I'm not very familiar with message boards so forgive me if I've posted this in the wrong place.

My cat got sick and died in the space of 4 days or so. I am wracked with guilt. My family has very little money and he hadn't been able to get a checkup in a while. If only we'd been able to taken him sooner they might've found whatever was wrong with him and treat it. He started acting listless and stopped eating, and was making a terrible howling sound, so as soon as my mother got her paycheck she took him to the vet, who did tests and said he was dehydrated, and his gums were discoloured so it was probably kidney disease or a tumor, but he didn't know. Then the next day he called with the blood test results and said he was very, very anemic, and it could be lymphoma or a tumor, but he wouldn't know unless he did an x-ray, which we couldn't afford, but even if he did pinpoint a tumor, Rocky was too weak for the surgery. He gave us some antibiotics he said might help. At this point I still didn't get how bad off he was, I thought the antibiotics would strengthen him. Then the vet called back and said he'd spoken to the pathologist, who said he badly needed a blood transfusion, the best thing to do was take him to an emergency veterinary hospital and admit him, they could do it there and help him. I called the emergency vet, after applying for and being denied for CareCredit, explaining what the other vet had said, and asking if they had any sort of payment plan. She said if I could just come up with a few hundred dollars, I could take him there, they'd do the transfusion, admit him, etc. But I didn't have it. I called my father to beg him to lend me the money. In the meantime, the other vet called back saying I was supposed to give him a syringe full of water after the antibiotic, which I'd given him a half hour ago. I did so, and he didn't like it, but didn't seem to choke or anything. But while I was on the phone with my father, he stood up, seemed dizzy, and then collapsed and started having a lot of trouble breathing, making a horrible rasping sound. I decided to just rush him to the vet and worry about the money later..but as I was driving there, praying and praying, the rasps got farther and farther apart..they'd stopped by the time I pulled up, and I went in and begged them to see if he was alive and if not resuscitate him..

They came in and told me there was nothing they could do. I begged them to do something, they said they had atropine or something, but it was very unlikely that would work, as he had no heartbeat. Now I am beating myself up, I wish I'd insisted they at least try the atropine. But I asked "what are the chances it would work" and they said "Very, very, low..I really don't think we can do anything." I held him after he was gone for a half hour but I was just basically hysterical. I have been unable to calm down since. I just want to die so I can be with him. He had a lot of allergies and skin problems when he was younger, and he was so brave and overcame all of them, all the vet visits and Elizabethan collars he had to wear and bandages he had..I thought5 he was fine, since his skin problems had almost totally cleared up. He was 13. I have many mental problems and I just always imagined nothing would happen to my cats until I had gotten my mental issues under control and could handle it. I can't handle this. I keep replaying everything over and over, his final moments. I kept saying "Jesus, Jesus, please, please, just let me get there in time, please save my baby, please God please please"..I feel so bad that Rocky had to hear me frantic in his final moments, but I was TERRIFIED. I wish I'd been able to be calm and reach over and put my hand in the carrier and tell him it was alright. I did tell him I loved him so much, but I was very upset. I was just like "Please, please Rocky, please hang on. I love you so so much." I just feel so, so so horrible. I honestly can't see how I can go the rest of my life with him gone.

I wake up every morning and it takes a few seconds before I remember he's gone and then I burst into tears. I have been completely breaking down, just crying and crying so my whole body is shaking, and I can't stop. Everything reminds me of him. If I eat something I remember the last time I ate it, he was alive. I took a shower and cried because the last time I'd showered, he was alive. I just can't believe he is gone and I'm afraid. I just don't see how i can stand this pain. I have never ever felt anything so horrible and totally..consuming. My therapist tried to suggest I should be in a mental hospital but I've been there before and they are useless and the last thing I need is to be stuck somewhere where I spend all day listening to other people talk about their problems which can't compare to how much pain I am in. I truly feel like nobody could ever love a cat as much as I love Rocky. He has a sister, Baby, and she doesn't seem to realise anything is wrong yet. She still eats, sleeps with me, purrs..but today she went and sat in Rocky's window, on his blanket. I'm worried she's starting to wonder where he is. I don't want her to get all upset and never recover..but I am afraid I will never recover. This just feels unbearable. What can I do?

Sorry this was so long. I feel like I have no one to talk to. My mother listened to me cry for hours, but even she said "You have to try to stop crying so much. I think it's upsetting Baby." I can't stop. I just can't. It hurts too much.

Hi, Gloria, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Rocky. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Gloria, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is filled with many different emotions that overwhelm us all at one time and can make us feel like we are literally going insane. Unfortunately guilt is one of the many emotions we have to endure and it is one that is very challenging to reconcile. Guilt comes from hindsight - - from looking back - - and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't make sense at the time they were happening along with all the "what ifs, why didn't Is, why did I's, should haves / should nots" and on and on and on. You did everything you could for your beloved Rocky according to your circumstances and resources. From what you have shared with us it sounds like Rocky was very, very ill. Sometimes veterinary medicine can provide treatment that will give our companions a good quality of life, while in other situations - - such as with your beloved Rocky, the only thing that can be done is to offer comfort and compassion as they transition home to the angels. As with humans, there is a time limit on when extraordinary measures - - such as resuscitation and all the treatments involved with it - - can be effective. Although intervention beyond that time frame may technically be "successful" in restoring a heartbeat, the brain has been severely deprived of oxygen - - as has the rest of the body - - and other serious medical complications such as severe seizures and total failure of the kidneys, heart, etc., arise. I know this is not what you wanted for your beloved Rocky. As painful as it was for you to have the veterinary staff tell you there was nothing they could for your beloved Rocky, they really were acting on your beloved Rocky's behalf to not put him through the ordeal of resuscitation.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief -- very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - -still very normal. Nothing is going to make sense for a very long time, for you are now faced with the most challenging task of re-inventing your daily routines that no longer includes the physical presence of your beloved Rocky. It is very normal to think "the last time I did this, Rocky was still with me". And it is very normal to cry - - gut-wrenching sobbing - - for your heart is shattered with the deepest sorrow. We live in a physically-oriented world governed by the 5 senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. When our companions are with us, every time they touch us and lick us they are literally imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from the millions of other people in the world. Scientific studies prove that there is a chemical bond that forms, and when our companions precede us to the angels, our bodies go through a literal physical withdrawal from not having them physically with us. So all the symptoms of grieving you are having are very normal - - uncontrollable emotions, lack of appetite, lack of concentration, depression, etc. - - are all very normal. However, since you have challenges with depression normally, grieving can intensify these symptoms, so your doctor may want to temporarily adjust your medication to compensate for the extra stress you are feeling. You may also want to try to find a counselor or grief support group who is familiar with the sorrow of losing a beloved companion for addiitonal support during your deep grief.


Gloria, this grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Rocky, and it is a journey that can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time. Your sorrow will not disappear in an hour, a day, a week, a month - - or even 6 months, but eventually I promise you one day you will be able to notice that your sorrow is not quite as painful as it was before. And this is a good thing, for the tears you cry are literally healing tears as they literally wash away the toxins that build up in the body from the stress of grief. But until the sorrow in your heart begins to ease, please know you are not alone in your grief adjustment journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here, Gloria.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart. I can only hope and pray that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

One of the many things you need to remember is that the love bond you and your beloved Rocky share is eternal. It is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Rocky's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will. He is forever a part of your heart and your memories, Gloria - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Rocky with us, Gloria. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Gloria, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Gloria, please accept my sincere sympathies on the loss of your precious Rocky. I am very sorry for your loss. I know it hurts so bad when our fur kids leave us, and that sometimes it feels like there is no end to the pain. The first few days and weeks are especially difficult. As hard as it may be, please try to focus on the good things in your life, on things that give you comfort. Baby needs you, and she is probably grieving too. Please try to get enough rest.

Gloria, your story almost mirrors mine, and my beloved Murfy. Just know, that you are not alone. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you so, so much. It means so much to me that you took the time to think of and write all this to a total stranger just to try and comfort her.

I am so glad to see you mention this side of eternity and that Rocky's spirit is still with me. I really believe that I will be reunited with him one day but it just hurts so much to have to wait. For the first two or three days I just wanted to kill myself so I could be with him again. The idea that I will never in this earthly life pet him again or see his face or feed him..it feels unbearable. I just can't stop picturing what he looked like when I was holding him after he was dead. I can't believe those words..Rocky is dead. Dead. My wonderful, precious, innocent boy..he just didn't deserve this. He was so good, I know quite a few people who deserved this much more than he did. I just can't stand thinking about his last few days..I hate to think he was thinking "Why are you letting me suffer? Why aren't you helping me?"..I hope he knew I loved him and I was doing everything I could..

I just keep thinking of waking up EVERY morning for DECADES and remembering my son is gone, and it seems so daunting and painful and hard. I just worry I am not strong enough.

I see my psychiatrist next week, I will mention it..but the medication I am on, if I get on a higher dose, then I have to adjust my diet a lot, and I'm not sure I want to live without cheddar cheese or lunchmeats, but I suppose if it would possibly make me feel better I would try it.

I can't seem to do anything without bursting into tears. My mother tried to take me to the grocery store, to a restaurant..I ended up making a scene by uncontrollably crying in both places. I'm just afraid I'll never become any sort of functioning human again.

I just feel so, so bad for him. He was a better friend to me than almost everyone who calls themselves my friend. I would rather have all my limbs cut off and a flesh-eating disease on the remaining body parts than have lost him. I just hope this gets even a tiny, tiny bit easier..

Thank you again.
I am attaching a picture of my sweet angel boy.

Thank you very much. It does feel like there's no end to the pain and that scares me a lot. I feel like I have nothing to live for, and just want to be reunited with my son. I know Baby needs me, i'm trying to remember that. I'm very scared now because what if something happens to her? Rocky was fine and then gone within less than a week. In the past day, Baby's eye started watering, she's sneezed a few times, and when she was sleeping next to me, I heard her making this sound while she was breathing, almost like a wheezing..I touched her side and felt a rattle in there, like she was congested in her chest. I am just so scared she'll stop breathing before I can get her to the vet. We have no money, but I was told a certain place provides free exams for people receiving government assistance, so I'm calling them first thing in the morning. Baby's still eating, purring, cuddling with me..it's only when she is asleep she makes this sound like her chest is congested..I really hope she's okay. I simply couldn't bear to lose her too.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words.

I am so sorry about Murfy..how long ago was it? Is life any easier at all? I'm scared my life is over, I will be paralysed by this sadness and grief forever.

Hi, Gloria, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and the wonderful picture of your beloved Rocky. What a handsome lad he is.

Please let me try to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement, Gloria. As I mentioned before we live in a physically oriented world governed by our 5 senses, and because of this we are conditioned to equate the physical with life and the absence of physical as death. As I have gotten older, I have come to realize that while this "conditioning" is "normal" it also is very inaccurate - - and the physical absence of our beloved companions - - and other loved ones - - really brings this to light.

Although Rocky is no longer physically present with you, he truly is not "dead." If he were "dead," then he would not have a sweet Living Spirit to continue to share your earthly journey as he always has nor would he now be restored to his former youthfulness in the company of the angels patiently waiting for your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy. Your beloved Rocky is very much ALIVE, Gloria - - he is just not visible to your physical senses.

And his not being visible to your physical senses is the primary reason why this grief journey is very painful - - both emotionally and physically. This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Rocky and re-structuring your daily routines that no longer include your beloved Rocky's physical needs. BUT - - he is still with you wherever you go and whatever you do. It is okay to talk to him as you always have for the sound of your voice is still sweet to his ears as he intently listens to what you share with him. The hardest part of course is not being able to hold him and look into his face and eyes. To help bridge this painful adjustment it is okay to hold a blanket, a toy, his collar - - something - - that belongs only to him when the deep sorrow becomes more than you can bear. For the longest time I slept with my furkids' collars under my pillow and when my arms ached to hold them one more time I held a blanket that belonged only to them tightly in my arms - - and cried - - gut wrenching sobbing.

It took me a very long time to be able to go the store to get supplies for my precious companions who were still with me without crying in public. It took me a very long time to be able to take my precious companions who were still with me to the vet for their routine medical needs without crying. While I was working I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could go to regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to continue on with my work. And when I got into my car to drive home the floodgates of uncontrollable sobbing opened. Thank goodness I did not have far to drive to get home. You are not embarassing yourself by openly crying, Gloria. If anyone asks you if you are okay, you can simply say you have lost a very good friend - - no further explanation is needed. Anyone who is offended by your crying is the one who has the problem, Gloria. Please let me try to reassure you that in time - - one day at a time in your own way and in your own time - - the deep seering sorrow that is in your heart will ease and you will find the days and nights easier to cope.

As for looking down the road and fearing you are not strong enough to endure through this grief journey, please let me try to offer you some words of encouragement. In terms of what you share with us: "I just keep thinking of waking up EVERY morning for DECADES and remembering my son is gone, and it seems so daunting and painful and hard" - - - right now the only thing you need to focus on is the moment at hand - - nothing more. As your deep grief eases you will be able to focus more on the POSITIVE aspects of your continued earthly journey. For now, the primary POSITIVE focus needs to be on just taking one moment at a time and focusing on what needs to be done at that moment. In terms of "I just worry I am not strong enough" - - NONE of us are strong enough to endure through this grief journey by ourselves. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum was developed - - to be a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts with others who know - - truly know - - and truly understand what we are going through. Through our collective presence each of us finds the strength, courage, support, and hope to endure through one of the most painful experiences we will know on this side of eternity - - adjusting our lives that no longer includes the precious physical presence of our beloved companions. So please let us be your strength until you are feeling strong again, Gloria.

I know some of the things I share are very "unconventional" in the ways of what is "socially acceptable". Still, I hope I have been able to offer you some measure of comfort, encouragement, and hope, Gloria, as you continue in your grief adjustment journey.

I thank you for sharing your beloved Rocky with us, Gloria, and hope today is treating you and your precious Baby kindly. I can very much understand your fears about your precious Baby and am very glad you have access to veterinary assistance with your present financial circumstances. Please let us know how things go when you get her checked out. Please know you and your precious Baby are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Rocky.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Gloria, I lost him on Monday. I have a thread here from a few days ago titled "Murfy, My Beautiful Silver Persian". My tear ducts still hurt from crying so much. Am returning to work today (Thursday) and tomorrow we are closed. I work by my self in a private cubical, so that makes it possible. I also take Effexor and Propanolol to help regulate my anxiety and stress. I'm going to spend the weekend at the beach with my Mom and dog to try to relax after spending 18 days providing what basically amounted to Hospice care for my beautiful boy. Hoping the change of scenery might help.

Wishing you peace,

Inessence

P.S. A few of the songs I'm playing that help me to process my emotions:

Spiritualized - Broken Heart
Peter Gabriel - I Grieve
Queen - My Best Friend
Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart (My Murfy's song)

Hello again moon_beam,
Thank you so much. Especially for looking at Rocky's picture, as apparently you're the only person who did.

I can't possibly thank you enough for all the things you said and how much they've helped me and how much it means to me that you would spend all this time to think them up and say them to me, a stranger. Some of the things you said just went straight to my heart and made me feel like "Wow. I hope that is true. That would be so, so nice and comforting if that really was true." and I try to believe that it is true, but I don't have any proof. I want to think Rocky's always with me, and I will see him again..but what if that's not true? I don't want to be deluding myself..but then I think that the higher power I believe in wouldn't be that cruel. Our animals mean too much to us for the few precious years we have on Earth to be all we get with them for eternity..I hope...

Rocky never wore a collar, because he never really roamed anywhere, he would just go sit on our deck and sun himself. But I have his blankets, and pillow, still covered in his fur. Quite a few times I have hugged them and just broken down looking at his fur. I'm glad you were able to sleep with the collars under your pillows. I'm so sorry for your losses though..is there a post about your furkids, or would you be comfortable telling me about them?

Just everything in this post is so kind and helpful and ..atypical of how I know human beings to be. I think maybe pet owners are just a different type of people than regular people. I'd lately been thinking that I seem to have surrounded myself with jerks, mean, cruel, people who always seem to want to bring me down and make me feel bad about myself or try to get something from me...and then this happened, and though I would give anything for it not to have happened, I have found a handful of people who completely surpass my expectations of people, especially ones I haven't met.

The vet I first called said they did charge, they didn't have that special deal anymore, but I found another vet that actually had a coupon for a free exam and consultation, so Baby's appointment is today at 4:40. I'm very nervous. I keep picturing the worst--the vet telling us she most likely has some dreadful, incurable disease, or tumor, or something..but that's not going to help me..and her cold symptoms have gotten better. Her eye is no longer watery and she doesn't seem to be sniffling or sneezing anymore. I even think the wheezing sound I heard might've just been snoring. So I'm hoping and praying the vet today says she's just a normal older cat, and she probably snores because she is a bit overweight, but otherwise healthy. I just can't help picturing receiving horrible news, and losing Baby. My mind gets ahead of me and concocts horrible future images and I can't stop it. (I have OCD and that makes it much worse..I keep touching the doorknob, nightstand, kitchen table, etc over and over to try and put the right image of the vet telling me Baby's okay in my head, but my head keeps replaying images of Baby being unhealthy instead!) Plus, Baby HATES the vet, every time she's gone in the past, they had to muzzle and/or sedate her..so I'm just nervous about that. I'm afraid they will charge extra if they have to sedate her and we can't afford it. Hopefully a muzzle will do. She just can't stand it there. It's strange..she's the most laid-back, easygoing, always-purring, face-licking, loving cat around at home, but at the vet and for an hour or two after, she's almost demon-possessed. Any ideas on how to try to calm her during and after this ordeal? If not, that's okay. Just having a place to talk about my worries is so helpful.

Thank you so, so much, moon_beam. You are an amazing person.

Hi, Gloria, thank you so much for sharing with us how and your precious Baby are doing. When we are physically separated from our beloved companions - - as well as loved family members and friends - - it is very normal to have questions similar to the ones you share with us: "I try to believe that it is true, but I don't have any proof. I want to think Rocky's always with me, and I will see him again..but what if that's not true?" The only answer I have for you is to have faith - - for faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. It is difficult for us humans to have faith because we live in a physically oriented world governed by the 5 senses of taste, touch, sound, smell, and hearing - - which gives us "proof" that something in our world exists. But there are three qualities to our existence that cannot be measured in proof - - they are faith, hope, and love. Without hope we lose the will to live. Without love - - regardless of the life form it is shared with - - our hearts and lives feel cold and empty. Without faith, we have no hope for anything good to happen for us. When our hearts are filled with deep sorrow and grief, we are emotionally vulnerable to the doubts that are a part of our daily lives but are not in the forefront of our minds. This is why when we are are in deep sorrow that it is very important that we hold tightly onto faith and hope and the truth that love is eternal.

Please let me try to reassure you that there are no strangers here. Although we probably will never meet in person on this side of eternity we share a friendship that is based on the best common bond we will ever know: the love we share with our beloved companions. You are among friends here, Gloria.

Thank you so much for asking about my beloved companions. I do have two topics on this forum: one topic is titled "Oslo" - - for my beloved handsome Black Lab, and the second topic is titled "Abbygayle's Journey" for my beloved beautiful baby girl. These topics are here in the "Death and Dying" section. I started a topic on Abbygayle in the "Pet Disease and Sickness" section titled "Abbygayle's Cancer" - - if you would like to read through these topics.

I hope Baby's examination by the vet today has gone well and that you both are now home enjoying each other's company, and hopefully reassured that your earthly journey together will continue to be a healthy and happy one for many years to come. I look forward to sharing your news as to how things went today.

Gloria, thank you for sharing your beloved Rocky with us. I hope what I have shared with you will be a source of comfort, encouragement, and hope to you in your grief adjustment journey. Please know you and your precious Baby are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Rocky.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Gloria, I looked at Rocky's picture right after you posted it too. Hope you are doing OK.

Gloria, I feel your heart hurting so much. I'm hurting, too, right now. I just wanted to add to what others have said in that you are not alone. Let our kindred spirits who mourn the losses of our furbabies support us in our grief.
My therapist said to me today, "Things will be better again, just not today."

Peace to you and Baby. Hold on tight to each other. I loved your picture - thank you for sharing it with us.