Dear Peanut's Mom.

I am taking the liberty of writing to you after you wrote to Gino's mom, who I write to often. Please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss of your beloved Peanut. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain, confusion and sorrow that you must be feeling all the time. I lost my Trevor, the bravest little dog that ever lived, last July 22nd and am still writing him love letter every day.

I will wait until you feel up to writing about yourself, Peanut and your feelings. Just know, that every single one of us on this LS site has lost at least one of the most precious companions we ever thought we would have. None are exactly alike, but the grief we all experience is clost enough and we are all mature enough to understand, listen, cry with you, laugh with you when that comes, talk with you and especially HOLD YOU UP when you do not have one more ounce of strength to do it on your own. And you know, we all love you because you loved at least one of God's very special creatures!

I will check in again in a few days and will tell Trevor to look for Peanut, as he did for Hermy and Gino and the list goes on and on. Peanut is well taken care of and at the same time his/her Spirit is just a heartbeat away from you. His/her Spirit is right next to your heart ALL THE TIME. So you two really are never apart from each other.......just the form has changed.

Bless you, Pam, and Peanut. I look forward to geting to know you.

Bobbie (Trevor's mom)

Thank you, Bobbie. I'm taking time today to build a garden for Peanut, in the area where we laid her body to rest. The pain is raw. She was only six, but developed HCM last winter. Outside of one very bad week in March, when I fed her with a syringe, injected her with her medications because she wouldn't eat, and slowly brought her back, she was, every ounce of her, our Peanut. She played like a kitten-we often called her kitten, she was so tiny-she'd walk up on my chest with her little paws, touch my cheek with her pink nose and and make a peep of hello. Her favorite toy was a paper grocery bag full of tissue paper, oh she had such a ball with that, and the toy I'd dangled, every night.

So incredibly heartbroken.. Someday I'll do a eulogy, but for now, just this. I took Peanut to the cardiologist for a re-check on Tuesday morning, and all was well. Still some fluid around her heart, but the obstruction was down by half. The doctor adjusted her meds slightly and sent us home. She had a terrible afternoon, difficulty breathing.....the doc suggested shots of Lasix a few hours apart, but they did no good, and then it was too late. It got very bad very fast after those first few hours of hope that being home and in my care would bring her back to herself. I called every doctor I could think of, and finally found one able to take her in. She was in my arms as we drove in, and began to scream in pain. Then she'd fall back into my arms and struggle to breathe, and occasionally give my the tinest of meows. Over and over and over again I kissed the top of her head again and again, I told her how much I loved her, that I was so sorry, to let go, it was okay to let go. I love her, I loved her so deeply and I can still feel her in my arms.

I can't do this, too hard. She died in so much pain, and releasing the guilt is not possible yet. It's mixed in with the horrible, heart ripping grief. Thank you for caring, Bobbie, it means so much to me to connect with those who truly understand how deep the love can be with our furry family members.

Dear Pam,

Oh, I am so sorry to hear about Peanuts' final hours and minutes. But, you know, she spent them in the arms of her mom who loved her more than everything in this world and whom she loved equally. Peanuts knew she could cry out, then relax and do what she had to because her mommy's arms were around her and your love flowed into every one of her pores.

The idea of a beautiful garden where Peanut's physical body lies in repose is such a thoughtful and loving gesture. That tells me that you are continuing to think, not just of yourself, but of Peanut, too. Pam, this is going to be the hardest time in your entire life right now. Please do not think or listen to anyone who tells you that you should "get over this" quickly. Uh uh! This will take time, perhaps lots of time and that is perfectly normal.

As you said, I'm not going to get into all the things we could talk about tonight. Suffice it to say, that I hope you are able to get some rest and rest with some of Peanuts' favorite things (even if it's food). For the next several days, all that is expected of you is to BE. If you work and have to go to work, that's what you do..go to work. If not, all you have to do is breathe in and out. Your heart is already beating by itself. Oh! And I bit of nourishment would be good. But that's it. I mean it. That's all I did for weeks.

You and I and the other wonderful folks here at LS will come to help you, too. You are never alone for even a second. May you get some rest tonight. I will check in with you tomorrow.

Good night and God bless.........
Bobbie & Trevor

I somehow lost the reply I'd written. Suffice to say my heart still feels blown apart, and I miss her so ..... it's been a week, but feels like yesterday she was in my arms, warm and purring.