Three days ago I lost my best friend. Rather, I ended her life. I am wracked with guilt, sorrow and anger. She was diagnosed with a neurological disorder last June, that affected her spine. We first noticed something was wrong while walking her. Her back paws would occasionally knuckle under. We took her immediately to the vet who suggested it could be the beginning of degenerative myelopathy. We just monitored her over the next few months. Slowly, we did see her condition deteriorate. We tried cold laser therapy, acupressure, hyperthermia, and every drug we could, steroidal and non-steroidal. She always seemed to improve a bit at first, but would quickly revert back to showing little or no improvement. She began having accidents a few months ago, I think because she was unable to easily get up and go to the door to tell us. We took her to our primary care vet about a month ago to discuss what else we could do/try for her. He suggested that we visit a neurologist, just as a second opinion. We met with the neurologist 3 weeks ago. He examined her and determined that she mostly likely had one of three things: degenerative myelopathy, disk disease or a tumor. The only way to know would be to perform MRI's, spinal taps, CT scans, etc. Not only would this be costly, about $5000, but in my opinion, it would be fairly stressful to her. After all the tests, we may have a name for what we are dealing with, but that didn't necessarily mean that there would be a cure. Surgery could be an option depending on what we were dealing with, but there was no guarantee that surgery would help, and again more stress to Nina and I'm sure, very costly. If I truly believed we could have helped her through all the tests and possible surgery, we would have come up with the money. But the bigger issue was that she was 13, and I believed at the time that all of the vet visits, tests, exams and possible surgery would be more stressful to her than anything. Now I don't know. What if I made a mistake? What if we did the tests, surgery, and it did help her? The last two weeks of her life she could no longer walk on her own. She knuckled under with both back paws every time she walked, so badly, that they were scraped and she had a little sore develop. My husband carried her outside, but when he wasn't home, and I had to help her outside, I lifted her back end as much as possible, but they still scraped a bit. I bought her little booties but they didn't seem to help much. My husband built her a cart, but she seemed confused and unsure about using it. My poor baby would come inside after pottying and literally fall down on her bed. I would help her become comfortable because sometimes she would land in what appeared to be very uncomfortable positions. She also loved food, but especially during her last month, it became an effort to get her to eat. We bought special food, and I would mix in things she liked to eat such as hard boiled eggs, but even towards the end, she seemed as though it was an effort for her to eat. She lost 4 lbs in 2 weeks. Two weeks ago, she began to have accidents on herself, making no attempt to let us know she needed to potty. I did not care about the accidents in the house, I was just concerned that she was stressed by them. On Monday my husband noticed a smell and felt underneath her and realized she was absolutely soaked with urine. He gave her a bath, which was also stressful for her. I guess the bottom line is, I felt her quality of life was poor, that she was stressed, and her condition was not going to improve. We made an appt. with our primary vet on Tuesday to discuss her quality of life. I asked him if it was in her best interest for us to let her go, and he stated that if she is having more bad days than good, it was most likely the time. I stayed with her, and held her until she took her last breath. She was my first dog, so this is all very new to me, and I can't help but feel to tremendous guilt and regret. I did and still do believe that her bad days outweighed the good, by quite a bit, but that doesn't stop me from believing that I should have tried harder, should have just had all the tests and possible surgery performed, should have kept her here, and just cared for her. I killed my dog and I don't know how I'll ever move past the guilt and sadness. I cry all day, don't want to be at work, don't want to be at home, don't want to cook or eat. I go from uncontrollable sobbing to anger, to intense guilt to numbness. I do have moments of happiness, a memory of the good times, but as quickly as I can, I shut it down and scold myself for trying to be happy. We have another dog, who is also 13, and I cannot bear the thought of losing another dog. He is healthy, but given his age, it is only a matter of time before we must face this torture all over again. I cannot bear the thought of getting another dog, because I cannot bear the thought of having to relive this with each of them. Our home feels so empty without her, even with our remaining dog present. We cannot have children, so I truly feel as though I lost a child; she was my baby girl. It has been the four of us for so long. I feel as though I cannot breathe at times, the pain is so unbearable. I'm sorry this post is so long. I guess it helps just writing down my feelings.

Hi, Kristin, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Nina. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the comany of the angels.

Kristin, please let me try to offer you some words of encouragement. My beloved handsome Black Lab Oslo was diagnosed with degenerative myelopathy. He also had Laryngeal Paralysis, a canine form of Lou Gehrig's Disease, as well as hypothyroidism which is also associated with LP. There is no cure for LP or DM. The incontinence your Nina experienced was the result of DM -- irreversible. My Oslo was also challenged with incontinence. I tried my very best to keep him on a regular schedule for personal needs, but there were times when even that did not have positive outcomes. He developed cancer in a salivary gland on his neck which was inoperable. Even if it were operable due to his advanced age and the complications of LP and DM he would not have been a good candidate. On November 29, 2009, I woke up to discover that my handsome man was in the throes of a stroke. He was actively transitioning home to the angels. I called a vet friend who came to the home and eased his journey home to the angels.

The only reason why I am sharing my experience with my beloved Oslo with you is to try to help you understand that you did EVERYTHING in your power to give your beloved Nina a happy, healthy earthly journey with you. I TOTALLY agree with your decision to not subject your beloved Nina to the stress of the tests and any subsequent treatments. There comes a time when the only thing we can do is to try to keep our companions as comfortable as possible. Sadly their physical bodies are like ours - - they are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. I hope somehow in time you will come to have peace in your heart that your beloved Nina thanks you so very much for all of your love and dedication. She is eternally grateful for you being her Forever Mom.

The love bond you and your beloved Nina share is eternal, Kristin. It is not dependent upon the physical laws of time and space. Her sweet Living Spirit is forever with you, Kristin, in your heart and your memories. She is always a heartbeat close to you.

I do so understand your feelings when you say: "I cannot bear the thought of losing another dog. He is healthy, but given his age, it is only a matter of time before we must face this torture all over again." Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief.

Kristin, this grief journey is filled with so many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at once. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and arounds that can make us we feel like we are going insane. This grief journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of our beloved companions, and it is one of the most painful experiences we will know on this side of eternity both emotionally and physically. It can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are never alone in your journey, Kristin. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Please let me try to offer you encouragement about getting another companion. This is not a decision you need to make right now. Some people find comfort in adopting another companion right away, while some people wait until their deep grief eases. Other people never adopt again for the very reason that is shattering your heart right now - - "I cannot bear the thought of getting another dog, because I cannot bear the thought of having to relive this with each of them." Kristin, there is no "wrong" or "right" decision about adopting or not adopting another companion. Only your heart will be able to let you know when / if you will be ready to embrace another companion into your heart and life.

Kristin, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart. I can only hope and pray that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, encouragement, support, and hope as you travel your grief journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Nina with us, Kristin. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her - but only if / when you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kristin, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blesings,
moon_beam

Hi Kristin

6 weeks ago my husband and I were where you are.My 11 year old American Eskimo was sick(enlarged organs and in kidney failure).The vet discussed our options.More tests,bloodwork,medications and IF they could her stabilize her enough then they may be able to do surgery.They were all BIG IFs.He gave her a small chance of stabilizing enoough for surgery and only a 20% chance of recovering from surgery.

I asked him point blank what he would do is this was HIS pet.He said" I would give her the gift of a humane exit" So that is what we did.I questioned myself hourly.Did we do the right thing......I believe we did.She was suffering and VERY depressed.Dogs do not want to live with failing bodies and losing their freedoms.

As for getting another dog,we have an 8 year old Sheltie who misses her buddy VERY much.The whole family does but we are not ready yet and may never be.It's not a decision you need to make now.Give yourself time to grieve and like Moon-Beam said"your heart will let you know".What is right for some is not necessarily right for others.

I am so sorry you are going through this.It iS very tough when you are questioning such a decision but in your heart of hearts,I think you know you did what was best for your beloved Nina.A peaceful exit.What more could anyone ask for

I offer my deepest sympathies over the loss of your beloved Nina.May she forever rest in peace.Free from pain and illness!

Take care of yourself and I wish you peace on your journey.

-Jennifer/Maggie's Mama

Dear kristin

My heart is crying with you on the passing over of your BEAUTIFUL wei-dog. When I lost my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) my vet, the ultimate man of science said, "She's in a safe place now." There are only a few minutes this morning before I have to go to work, but I want you to know two things. One, you did NOT kill you dog. You did the most excruciatingly hard thing a human begin is called upon to do on this earth - set our beloved soul-mate free - while he can still see you and tell you with his eyes that he loves you. And, two, love is forever, your shared love will never die, so that means your Wei-dog, too, is in a safe place now. Still on the job. Still watching over you, guiding your steps, and most importantly, loving you and being loved by you exactly as before.

Take my strength and use it today when you need it. I'll write when I get home this evening.

In gentleness and peace,

Gretta's mom

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Moon beam-your reply made me cry, but in a good way. You are such a kind, loving person. It is so helpful to hear from others who share their story. Are you Norwegian? I wondered if this is where Oslo's name came from. I do feel a TINY bit better each day. The horrible feelings of guilt and doubt have thankfully subsided, and I have been able to think of how much I did love her and how well we did care for her. The vet called Friday to let us know that they had her ashes. I didn't want to go, but at the same time, just wanted to get it over with. The receptionist handed us a small, canvas bag, and it made me cry to think that this was all that was left of my sweet Nina. Just a small bag. :'( Inside was a small wooden box containing her ashes. The funeral home also made a plaster paw print and displayed it in a leather bound case with the rainbow bridge poem. It was nice to have, and I am glad I had it done. I purchased a memorial necklace on etsy and have been wearing it daily. When I first lost her, I thought I wanted to get rid of anything that reminded me of her, including pictures. Now, I feel just the opposite. I want to go through (when I have the strength) her pictures and frame as many as I can to have them around. It's comforting to talk about her, rather than to try to forget. I saw a quote today that I believe God sent just for me. "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I love that and really needed to hear it. Sadly though, our remaining Weimaraner is just starting to show signs of the loss now, a week later. He has been a bit mopey the last two days, and has not wanted to go on morning walks. He acts anxious when we leave, and yesterday he barked when we did leave for work. He has also been lying in the spot that our Nina used to sleep. Heartbreaking. We are trying to keep his routine, and give extra attention, but I do think in time he will benefit from another dog. He and Nina shared 11 years together; a long time. Thank you Jennifer, and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. No one mentions, when getting a dog, how difficult it will be when the time comes for them to leave us. Gretta's mom-your words, "she is loving you, and being loved the same as before" were such a comfort. You are right, just because my Nina is no longer with me physically, it doesn't mean that I cannot love her, and she love me. I know I will see her again someday, and it will be the happiest day of my life!

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Hi, Kristin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yes, getting your beloved Nina's ashes back is a two-sided coin: on one side is the relief of having your beloved Nina back home while the other side is yet another "reality check" that she is not with you in the way your heart longs for. I am so very glad that you are going to keep your beloved Nina's pictures and other things that belong to her. It is perfectly normal during our deep grief to not be able to look at pictures, toys, blankets, etc., because they too are "reality checks" that our lives now no longer revolve around our beloved companion's physical needs. There is no way in heaven or on earth that we can ever forget our beloved companions, Kristin, for they are forever a part of us - - they are forever a part of our hearts and memories - - they are forever a heartbeat close to us.

I'm smilling at your question as to how Oslo got his name. He began his life as a puppy at Guiding Eyes for the Blind in Upstate NY. The naming of the puppies is done similar to the naming of hurricanes. When his mom was "expecting" her babies were assigned the letter "O" - - so every puppy born to her at that time was given a name beginning with the letter "O" - - hence that is how Oslo got his name. He went through the puppy raiser program and was trained as a Special Needs Guide Dog. Unfortunately the match did not work out, as sometimes happens, so he was returned to GEB for evaluation for re-training for another client. It was determined that the amount of time to retrain him would be longer than what his active career would be, so the folks at GEB gave him an early retirement. I was on their list for adoptees and they contacted me - - and this is how Oslo and I came into each others lives. Oslo's second career was as a Therapy Assistant. We did visits to nursing facilities and hospitals together - - and he was a BIG HIT with just about everyone who met him. He LOVED being out and about in the public, and I was very privileged to be his human partner on the other end of his leash.

About your surviving companion, it is normal for him to need extra reassurance. Your heart will know when it's time to introduce a new companion to him. Your heart must be ready first, Kristin.

I hope today is being kind to you, Kristin, and that you and your family will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Nina's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Plesae know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kristin, and that I look forward to sharing how you're doing and your treasured memories of your beloved Nina.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Nina's mom

Stopping by to see how you are doing. I'm glad our messages helped you a little. Having a fur-baby pass into the perfect World is an excruciating experience, especially when that animal was a true soul-mate. You carrying a piece of her souls and she carrying a piece of yours - from the beginning of time until the end of time.

When I was a child, I used to be afraid of Weimareiners (sp?) - they looked sort of menacing. Then, years later, when volunteering at the local humnae society I became good friends with a beautiful Wei. My heart was hooked, hooked on their beautiful smooth exquitely grey fur, hooked on their heavenly blue eyes, hooked on their friendly hearts. They're the best - next to labs of course .

Yes, Nina's mom, she's there beside you. Some people get glimpses or signs, many don't. But either way, you are still together. And I second what MoonBeam said about doing things in your own time. Sometimes people trying to be helpful tell you to get rid of everything that reminds you of the invisible one. Ever notice how they only say this about animals? Did you ever hear someone saying that about a person? Poor people, they have never had the heavenly experience of begin sought out and found and lived and loved their one and only soul-mate. There are no shoulds along this road - only what your own heart - and Tess - tells you what to do.

We're with you all the way, whenever you want or need us. We're a band of brothers and sisters united by an unbelieveable experience. We've been asked to do the most painful but loving thing on this earth - set our soul-mate free. We get it, Nina's mom. And we're all trying to live our lives so that they honor our soul-mate's life. Truly, when we are reunited with them WILL be the happiest day of our lives.

Rest well and when it doesn't hurt too much, think warm thoughts about Nina - as she is thinking about you.

Gretta's mom

Moon beam- Oslo sounds like an amazing dog. They are all so neat with their unique personalities, aren't they? And so darn smart! Thank you for your kind words and concern.
Gretta's mom - Wow, just when you think you're doing ok....bam! I was packing for a weekend trip and came across Nina's Christmas collar. I've seen it a few times since she died, but tonight I absolutely lost it. I could hardly breathe. My husband came in and held me and I couldn't even talk. When I finally did, I just sobbed, "I want her back!" He said, I know, so do I. My head hurts and my eyes are puffy and I am exhausted. Headed to bed. We are taking a weekend trip to St. Augustine, just to get away. Our Thomas is coming with us, as St. Augustine is supposed to be very pet-friendly. I'm looking forward to the break. And that is so funny about your fear of Weimy's. I guess they can look a bit scary, hence the nickname, grey ghost! Thank you for checking in. I guess I'm not healed quite as much as I thought, but I will get there in time.

Oh Nina's mom
A couple of weeks is WAY to soon to think of "doing better". As much and as long as you and Nina shared love on this side, you're heart will weep for a long time. But don't worry, the pain does subside to a tolerable level. You're still in the shock-and-awe period - as you say, something unexpected shows up and your heart is shattered again. My Gretta went to the Perfect World 13 months ago and I still get leaky eyes often: posting here, singing Gretta-songs, even just looking at her gentle picture. I think about 25% of the initial pain has subsided and i think it'll stay here until I rejoin Gretta.

Beautiful Wei-Wei is right there beside you, breathing her love on you and soaking in your love just as always. what hurts like a rifle shot to the heart is that WE can't see THEM. Part of an old anonymous quote says: "His head (meaning a dog who has passed) is in your hand the same as always.

Here's some strength coming your way to use whenever the pain gets too much to bear.

Gretta's mom

Hi, Kristin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing my Oslo with me. If at some point in time you should ever find yourself scrolling through the many topics and you come across the one titled "Oslo" - - this one is about my handsome man and our journey together.

May I add my support to Gretta's Mom's response to you that "A couple of weeks is WAY to soon to think of "doing better". I am glad that you, your husband, and your precious companion Thomas are going to be able to get away this weekend. Sometimes a change in environment helps - - at least for a little while.

I hope today is being kind to you, your husband, and your precious Thomas. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kristin, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing, and sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Nina.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam