I'm not entirely sure how I found this forum - One minute I was just sitting here - The next I was reading through pages and pages of stories like mine - But, after reading these pages for a while, I felt like I needed to be here - I was supposed to be here. I don't expect many to read what I am about to write, if any at all, or with any interest - But, I need to do this. I don't know exactly what I will write - It will probably end up being very, VERY long, not to mention, a bit all over the place, as my mind is a bit all over the place right now - So, I will just let the words flow; let them arrange themselves in the way they believe to be the best, and then I will release them into the World. So, here I go...









November 2011

Angel was beginning to slow down a bit; he was beginning to show signs of his 'Señor' status. He was still spunky and happy, but just a little less. He slowly stopped barking at squirrels, other dogs, the door, the wind - I didn't hear him say much anymore, which was odd because he was always a very vocal boy. His body was beginning to tire, but his mind was as sharp as it always was. Having previously had a clean bill of health, everyone chalked it up to his age. Older dogs slow down a bit, that's a part of their life; that's a part of all things' lives.

One night near the end of November, Angel's 6th month into his 13th year, I awoke to a strange sound - A whooshing sound, is the best I can describe it. I turned on the lights and witnessed a horrifying sight... blood... blood everywhere... it was a scene from a horror movie. The blood was coming from Angel's nose. Every time he sneezed blood would cover the walls. Blood covered his paws, his bed, his face - I couldn't do anything but scream. I was frozen. He had been perfectly fine before going to bed... what in the world could have caused this?

The bleeding finally stopped while Angel was at the vet - It stopped on its own, but he had lost so, so much of it. While searching for the cause, the vet found a mass in Angel's stomach. How... how did I miss it? How?! I immediately blamed myself. What he has to face now is my own fault, isn't it? It's my fault because I didn't catch it in time. I hugged him, brushed him - I saw Angel every single day, yet, somehow, I never noticed his tummy getting bigger? Guilt. The one I love most in this world, the one I promised to take care of - He was now sick because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing for him. The vet gave us some advice (he wasn't sure exactly what the mass was, but he was sure in saying that Angel's body was beginning to let go... he didn't think Angel would even survive going through a surgery to assess this mass), and then he gave a heartbreaking prognosis: Angel, if left to Mother Nature, might make it to Christmas, that is, if he even survives the massive blood loss he has just sustained. One month away. Angel's time was beginning to wind down and my heart was thoroughly broken.

Devastated (I don't even think devastated is a strong enough word), we, as a family (but especially me), just couldn't let him go. Not then. It wasn't his time. Euthanasia was an option presented to us, but it was just not something we were ready for. We brought Angel home with an arsenal of supplements, medicine, and lot's of liver and steak to eat. Liver and steak on their own; liver and steak mixed with some dry food, or even an egg - Whatever Angel wanted eat, he was going to eat. Out with the old foam bed he always had to steal back from the cats, a foam bed that was now crusted with his blood, and in with his own queen-sized air mattress. He absolutely loved that mattress. He loved sinking into it... his face was so content. Why had I never thought of an air mattress before? The cats loved it as well, but now there was room to share, and so they shared.

Angel slept while I scrubbed his now dried blood from, well, all over my room. I cried the entire time - I knew he had lost a huge amount of blood, I knew how serious his situation was, I heard the prognosis, I felt my heart breaking - But up until that point, the point where I had to scrub every drop of blood away, it could have all been just a horrible dream. I understood, I felt, I cried, I listened, I feared, I blamed - The one thing I had yet to do was process. But process I finally did as I sat there and scrubbed - This was no longer a horrible dream, this was now a horrible reality and my thoroughly broken heart then exploded.

December 2011

It didn't take long for Angel to defy the odds and get stronger, a couple of days, actually. I was filled with a new sense of hope - I was happy - But then I remembered the mass that was inside of him. The bloody mess was behind us, but the mass was still there - That mass was trying to take him away from me.

I begged and pleaded with whoever/whatever would listen, "Please, just give us until Christmas... Let us spend one more Christmas with him... Please!" From his vet visit in November towards the end of December - That was the shortest month of my life. 24/7 it was all about Angel. I tried to make the days last longer; I tried to squeeze in record numbers of snuggles and play time, pets and brushings, not to mention, doing nothings - Just being together. I would lay awake at night listening to him breathe - Making sure he was breathing. But time was not on my side and the days just flew by.

Christmas

For Christmas, Angel received anything and everything under the sun - He even took it upon himself to steal presents away from the cats, doing what he loved to do with his stolen goods, declaring them "MINE!" Angel absolutely and positively loved stuffed toys - Even more so if they squeaked.


And yes, all of the toys bought for both canine and feline friends this Christmas were ones that squeaked. Christmas morning was a noisy one this year.

As Christmas-morning-present-opening turned into Chrismas-evening-turkey-eating, Angel eagerly awaited the feast he had been anticipating all day long; the aroma teased his nose as it danced in the air. Angel loved turkey. We, however, did not love his turkey farts - And they were plenty! As tradition in our little house, the heart and liver are for our canine friends. Angel, being the only canine this year, received both. Naturally, those two mesly little things weren't enough to suffice, so, inevitably, someone (or many someones) would be sharing their turkey dinner with the hungry boy, and thus he had his feast - Your feast, that is. It was quite a sight... people, dogs, and even cats all vying for a piece of this poor dead bird. If you weren't careful though, some fluffy friend might actually become impatient and try to steal right from your plate. But that's ok, Angel - This year, you go ahead and steal something... no one will say a thing.

It was such a happy time, yet I was filled with such sorrow, for I knew as I looked around the room that this Christmas was probably going to be the last that we would all be here, together. I cried - I cried at Christmas, before Christmas, I cried all of the time. I just couldn't hold the tears back. Angel was with me - He was happy, lively, loving. The event in November was behind us and we were so thankful that he was still with us, yet that mass was always looming over our heads. Angel never showed any signs of discomfort or pain from the mass - He was just Angel, as he was before (but a little slower) - He was my Angel, at 13 years and 7 months old. My 'Señor.'

I didn't want Christmas to be over. But, as quick as it came, it was gone and our 'month' was almost up. What was going to happen from this point on? Angel's month was obviously only an approximation, but once fear moves in, it's very difficult to evict. What do I do now? All I really could do was to continue on as I had been - Angel 24/7 - So that's what I did.

The New Year

Christmas came and went, and suddenly it was now New Years Eve. After a couple of silly New Years-hats-on-dog-pictures, New Years turned into February, February turned into March, and then March to April. Angel was obviously not the dog he once was before the illness, but he was happy; he played, he ate like a pig, he went for rides in the car, he went for his walks (although we kept them very short now - just a few minutes a few times a day). Angel still did all of the things he loved to do. And, of course, he still greeted everyone as they walked through the door - Although his response time to the door was a little slow, he got to you, eventually, and said his hellos.

After our scare in November, we all agreed that Angel was not to be left alone - Even if it was just one person at home with him, he was never left alone. Actually, now that I look back, Angel was very, very rarely ever alone. If he was left alone (excluding the presence of his canine and feline brothers and sisters), it was never for more than a couple of hours. For almost all of his nearly 14 years on this small planet, Angel had at least one member of his human family with him. I couldn't wait to race home from work to see him each day - That was my life now, nothing else mattered but him. I could care less, at that point, what was going on in the world - I just wanted to be with my Angel. I'm actually surprised I made it into work every day, these past few months. I certainly didn't want to go. But I made sure to tell him, every time we parted, just how much I loved him - Just in case. I checked in on him from work, every single day, multiple times per day - Fears of the worst kind ran through my mind as I asked the question, "How is Angel?" and waited for a reply. Thankfully, the only reply I ever got was, "Angel is fine."

Thursday April 19th, 2012

After a reassuring message from my dad that Angel was fine at home, I continued on with my work day. When it was time for me to leave, I was eagerly awaiting my reunion with my best friend after our short (agonizing) time apart - My dad came to pick me up that day; when I got in the car, everything changed. My dad hesitantly informed me that the bleeding had returned. I was in shock. I had just received my dad's daily "Angel is fine" message not two hours ago. I yelled at him, "Why did you lie? You told me he was fine! We agreed that you would let me know if anything was wrong so I could rush home from work!" My dad told me that the bleeding had just started, just before he came to get me. That 10 minute ride home felt like hours. I burst through the door - Angel was in the back yard today - So I burst through the second obstacle in my way. There it was, that horrifying sight again - Blood. Blood everywhere. Angel came running up to me with his tail wagging. He licked my hand - He seemed to, for just a moment, forget what what was happening to him.

The bleeding went on and on - I was constantly wiping his paws/his face/the floor to minimize the amount he tried to lick up. It finally stopped, again, on its own. The vet said the same as before - No need to repeat it. We knew. We did. But, with hopeful hearts, we did the same as before - Supplements, medicine, and the liver and steak - The same arsenal he had every day. Angel and I moved out of our room on that day. We both took up residence in the living room; we both had our own makeshift foam beds on the floor. And that's where we stayed. I didn't leave the house on Friday - Our routine was now broken. Angel and I just sat on the floor. He ate, he drank, he wagged his tail - Those things didn't change. What did change, however, was his mobility. He had a really hard time getting up, but he did it. He got himself up and went outside to the bathroom, but that took a lot out of him. He wasn't recovering like the previous time. That was when time finally decided to answer my cries and slowed down, but, unfortunately, it showed up a bit too late.

Our Last Weekend

During the weekend, Angel began to get up less and less and he slept more and more. In an effort to try to help him conserve his energy, we started carrying him outside to do his business. It was hard. He was a heavy boy. He was reluctant, at first, to let us carry him (Mr. Tough Guy) - But, after a few times he accepted it and he began giving us a sign when he wanted to go outside - He would life his head, look at us, then look at the door. When Monday came around Angel only ate a small amount of food (he still drank a lot though). He had a very hard time getting up - Even standing up when going to the bathroom was becoming difficult for him. So we just lay there, him and I, on the floor - Not counting minutes or hours anymore - It was as if we were suspended in time. I begged him to get better. I begged and I begged. But, inside, deep inside, I knew that this time we weren't going to be so fortunate. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. I didn't want to admit that some time very, very soon, I was probably going to have to let him go.

Tuesday April 24th, 2012

I hate Tuesday. Tuesday started off the same as Monday - But that didn't last very long. As the day progressed, Angel would no longer eat and he would drink only a little bit. He could no longer get up, at all - He could only lift his head. We would move his legs for him, just to keep the blood flowing. We would help him shift positions every hour, as well. His eyes were still bright and full of life - He wanted move around, he tried, but his body wouldn't let him anymore - It was too tired. He was trapped inside of himself. At that point, I knew. I knew it was almost time. I couldn't admit it out loud though - I couldn't say the words... that would make it real. How does one decide for another that their life will end? It's just not fair.

The decision was left up to me - Angel was my best friend, and I his. No one else would do it - No one else could do it. Of course, everyone stated their own
opinions - But the final decision had to be mine. Why me? Why not Angel's? Why couldn't he just tell me what he wanted? Why couldn't he tell me what he was feeling? I wished, just for that moment, that he could talk. Tell me what you want, Angel, and I will accept whatever it is you wish. His eyes were so full of life, but his body was tired - I had to ask the hardest question I have ever asked myself - Was Angel really living, or was I just keeping him alive? There was a difference between the two - A difference I had a very tough time admitting to myself.

Wednesday was to be the day - If Angel had not improved through the night, on Wednesday he would close his eyes for the final time. My world stopped. There were times I felt like I couldn't breathe. I tried not to cry in front of him - I didn't want to upset him. I begged him again, "Please get better - Please!" The bathroom breaks had stopped, no more lifting his head. The food had stopped - The water went next. The only things he had the strength to move were his beautiful eyes.

Wednesday April 25, 2012

Tuesday night was mine and Angel's time. Just us. I told him everything I wanted to tell him. I brushed his fur, I hugged him, I kissed him, I even begged him one more time. Midnight brought Wednesday into our lives - Dreaded Wednesday was here, even though I begged for it not to come. Angel's breathing began to deepen and he closed his eyes. He was just so tired. So very tired. I wished I was stronger so I could pick him up and take him to see things one last time - Our room had been empty since Thursday; I wanted him to feel the grass beneath his feet in our yard - I wanted to show him all of the sights of the world one last time - But, unfortunately, that was not in our cards. The living room, our new residence, was going to have to do.

After hours of talking to him, brushing him, and hugging and kissing him, we both just lay there, looking into each other's eyes. In the wee hours of the morning, after a few minutes of silence, I mustered up every ounce of strength I had left in me (which wasn't much) and I broke that silence, "Angel, it's ok if you want to let us go." I told him how brave he was for staying with me all of these months, and how thankful I was for that. I told him his strength and his will were inspiring, but it was ok, now, if he was too tired to fight anymore. I told him not to be afraid and that I would miss him so, so, so much - "Angel, don't stay because you feel you have to, don't stay just for me - I'm the selfish one for wanting you to say. If you are tired of fighting, then let go and be free."

The silence returned - I stroked his face as his breathing went from deep to shallow. For another 20 minutes, or so, we, again, just stared into each other's eyes. My eyes began to fill with tears, I could no longer hold them back. Angel never closed his eyes, not even once, for the entire time. On Wednesday morning, at 3:45 AM, Angel took a very deep breath - His legs stretched out for the first time in a long while, and I knew right then and there, he had made up his mind. One second is all it took. I yelled, "I love you, Angel" as many times as I could in that second. In one second he took his final breath. In one second the life left his eyes. For one last second I had my best friend. In one second, my Angel had died.

I gave him a kiss on the head and pulled his blanket up to his neck. I ran upstairs and announced that Angel was gone. Everyone came running downstairs to say their tearful goodbyes. We all stayed up, just sitting with our friend. There was a strange calm that came over me - Tears were no longer running down my face. I just sat there. Blank. I thought I was going to be ok. I now believe that I was in shock. I don't think I believed, at that moment, that he was really, truly gone. At around 7 in the morning, we made the call to make Angel's final arrangements. It was then, at that moment that it hit me - As I was sitting on the couch, looking at my best friend, my grief exploded through my calm - I screamed as I threw my hands into my face, "Oh my God - Angel is gone!" The pain I felt at that moment was absolutely crippling - It was a pain from the very core of my existence - I couldn't breath, my heart was pounding through my chest - I thought that I, too, would die. The pain was unbearable.

Angel never made it to the vet - He never entered that cold, sterile room, confused as to why he was there. Angel left this world in his home, beside his best friend. I'd like to think that he chose to leave us this way. I'd like to think he left on his own terms - The way he lived his life. I'd like to think he spared me from doing to him what he knew would kill me to do. I'd like to think a lot of things, but, as any grieving person knows, the mind runs a marathon a minute and it eventually takes you to places that you do not want to go.

A couple of hours later, we wrapped Angel in his warm, soft, lime-green blanket, and began the first part of his final journey. The car ride was very quiet - Only a few words were spoken. We arrived at our destination, a really lovely place, to decide how to put my Angel to rest. I knew I wanted Angel cremated, but there were still many decisions to make. We entered the building from the noisy streets of the city and found ourselves in a very warm and peaceful room. Soft music played in the background as my father and I were sat at a table in the centre of the room. Angel was seated at the table, as well - As we sat on soft chairs he slept to my left on an equally soft bench. Angel was a part of this difficult decision-making process, and that actually did make it a tiny bit easier.

A very understanding woman helped us with our decisions - She sat and patiently waited as I burst into tears several times. She never rushed us - She let us take our time. An urn was chosen and a paw print will be pressed. And then the time came to say our goodbyes - It was time for me to walk out the door, leaving my Angel behind. It was so hard to get up and leave. It was the last time I would ever see my Angel as he once was. When I walked out that door, all that I would have left of his beautiful sight would be photographs and memories - As wonderful as those are, they just don't compare to the real thing. I just wanted to sit and look at him - I wanted to take him in one last time... smell him, feel his fur, and look into his eyes. I didn't want to leave, but I knew I had to. I kissed his head several times and I told him I loved him over and over again - I then walked out the door, leaving my Angel behind.

Going home was hard - Very hard. I knew that when I got home, I would not be greeted by my best friend. The house felt (and still feels) so empty to me, even though it is still full of life. I gathered up all of his things and put them into a plastic box - Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing was to be thrown out. I even pulled some of his fur that was left in his brush and placed it into a plastic bag. I felt him that night - I felt him in the house. It was so confusing, because even though I felt him there, he was nowhere to be found. I saw him a few times, out of the corner of my eye, but when I turned to look, he was not there. It felt (and still does) as if he was just sitting in the hallway, the backyard, or upstairs - Just out of sight. As I sat on the couch, I would look down before I moved my feet to make sure I didn't bump him - He wasn't there. I had to go up to our room and sleep by myself. I didn't sleep much. I just cuddled one of his stuffed toys that I had wrapped his collar around. I even jingled his tags. I love that sound - That stuffed toy was that last one I brought home for him, not two weeks ago. I could still smell him on the toy. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, but I couldn't make it stop. The pain - That ache so deep in my heart was almost too much.

Yesterday

You know, yesterday just might have been more difficult than Wednesday. I woke up in the morning in my empty room and forgot, just for a split second, that Angel was gone. The ache returned. I think I only got about an hour of sleep - I haven't slept in days and I'm so tired, but I just can't sleep. My body feels heavy, as if gravity is pulling me down and although I haven't eaten in days, my appetite has packed up and gone. I am terrified to be alone - Even if no one says anything, I just can't be alone - But I feel bad, because I don't want to burden anyone. I had to return to work on Thursday. I pulled myself together the best I could and I went back. The hours felt like years - I just wanted to go home - But when the time finally came and I walked through the front door, I broke down. That was the first time I came home from work and Angel wasn't there.

Today

Today is much the same. I couldn't sleep last night, again. I just sat in bed, in my empty room, hugging his stuffed toy. The air feels so heavy all around me - When I breath it in it feels like cement. He is everywhere... all over the house. I can't even bring myself to clean up. If I vacuum or dust I will be wiping him from this place. I know it sounds silly, but it would feel like I was wiping his memory away - Wiping away the signs that he was once here.

Now, when I look back at these past few months, this past year, I feel like his death was my fault. Why didn't I catch the mass sooner? What if something could have been done about it? What if he didn't have to die yesterday? It's all my fault. What if he was in pain this whole time? What if, when he looked into my eyes on Wednesday, he was really saying, "Why aren't you helping me?" Why did I sit and watch a movie while he sat on the floor last year, instead of taking him to the lake? Did he really have a happy life with me? Did he know how much I loved him and how happy he made me? What if his final breath, that single second, was painful? Was pain the last thing he felt? Did I let him down? I'm terrified I will forget how he smelled, the feel of his fur, and the sound of his bark. I don't want to forget those things. I feel so utterly overwhelmed.

I miss him so much it hurts. I just want to hug him again. I am afraid to face the future without him by my side. I think of all of the things he is going to miss out on - All of life's little milestones. I just want him back. I want him to come back home - But I know he can't and it is crippling me.

MissingMyAngel

Please allow me to express my deepest condolences on the loss of your precious Angel. Your 14 year earthly journey is very touching. I know it's not much consolation, but you were there for him at the end. My Sir Thomas died while I was at work, and I could not afford individule cremation. From what you describe, I don't see how you could have known about his problem. Even regular vet exams probably would not have turned up anything unusual. The important thing is that you were always there for him giving him all of your love. As I've said on other first timer posts, I'm not very eloquent with words as others on here are. And they WILL come to offer you the encouragement you need at this sad and difficult time. I just wanted to once again offer my condolences so you'd know that you'll be in our thoughts.


Tracy, Theresa, and Tang.

Hi, MissingMyAngel, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Angel. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Please try to know that your beloved Angel journeyed home to the angels in the place he loves the best surrounded by his loved ones and the scents and sounds familiar to him. He is now with the angels restored to his former youthfulness and is patiently waiting for your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy.

MMA, as I read through your post my heart is deeply touched with the eternal love you and your beloved Angel share. There is no doubt in my mind that you gave him a happy and healthy earthly journey. Love is eternal, MMA - - it is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. Love is a living and growing emotion - - therefore is always PRESENT. Please know that your beloved Angel continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will - - wherever you go and whatever you do. He still enjoys listening to you talk to him sharing your life's events for the sound of your voice is like sweet incense lifting upward to him in heaven's perfect garden. He is always and forever a part of you, MMA - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

MMA, this grief journey is a very painful one - - both emotionally and physically - - so what you are feeling is very normal. It is important that you keep yourself nourished and rested for grieving takes a lot of energy. Even if you can only manage a cup of broth it is important that you drink it for you can become easily dehydrated from the stress of grieving. I know this is easier said than done, but it is very important for your health.

It truly does not matter if there are other companions in the household - - for the sound of silence is deafening when a beloved companion is no longer physically present. Scientific studies prove that every living being has its own energy, and when this energy is no longer present it literally feels as though the structure itself of the dwelling is mourning its loss. This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Angel, MMA, and it is a very painful adjustment both emotionally and physically. I promise you, MMA, that eventually this adjustment will be less painful and your deep sorrow will ease, but it can only happen one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time - - in your own way and in your own time. One of the many things you need to remember during your grief journey is that you are never alone. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart. I can only hope the words I share with you will bring you some measure of comfort, support, and encouragement as you travel your grief journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to sharing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I have to admit, this really touched home with me. My situation with my boy was different, but I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Dear MissingMyAngel,

I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful Angel. He is truly an Angel now in Heaven's Beautiful Garden. I cried all the way through your story that you wrote so well. It reminded me so much of my Mickey as he passed away here at home on his own with congestive heart failure. Like you, I was kind of in shock at first although we had been expecting it, but the tears and grief really overflowed later. It has been 14 months and I still get tears every day although not as bad.

MissingMyAngel, it will take awhile to feel even a little better in this grief journey and then there wll be ups and downs. Try to remember the good times that will bring a smile.....You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Try to take care of yourself.

((((HUGS))))

LoveMyMickey

Thank you all for taking the time to send such kind messages - I truly, truly appreciate it.


Tom's Dad,

I'm so sorry to hear that your Sir Thomas passed while you were at work - Honestly, that was my greatest fear with Angel. I even asked him several times to not go anywhere unless I was with him. The whole time I was at work I would worry - I could barely focus. I truly am sorry that you weren't able to be there. I still look at the spot where Angel
died - He was just there, in that spot, just a few days ago. I even notice myself kind of hopping over that spot (avoiding stepping on it). I keep seeing flashes of his final second in my mind's eye, as well. I'm so thankful I was able to be there with him at his final moment, but I think that image will haunt me forever - To see the life leave someone, especially someone that you love - It's... it's almost indescribable, and, for the moment, at least, not in a good way.

moon beam,

You really have a gift with words - Thank you again for them. I truly hope that Angel is out there, somewhere, and he is happy. He has to be. Some of the hardest times I have are the little things we all do with our pets - Those little familiar things that became so routine, we didn't even have to give a conscious thought about to do - I still find myself looking down before I move my feet while sitting on the couch, just so I don't bump him; When I open the front door I still look around to make sure he isn't trying to run out; If I notice he isn't in the room, I will get up to go and see where he is; I check the back door to see if he wants to some inside; I check the water bowl to see if it is full; When I go up to bed I almost say, "Come on, Angel... Time for bed." I do all of these things (and more) almost instinctively and stop half way through (I usually feel a little jolt, or surge, throughout my body) and realize that I don't have to do those things anymore - It's like losing him all over again each time.

DLL,

I read your story and cried. I am so sorry. I went through a very similar thing quite a few years ago - My cat, Milo, was only about a year and a half old. He wasn't an outdoor cat, but we would take him into the back yard (with a harness attached to a long rope, secured to a spike in the ground) so he could get some exercise and chew some grass. One day, my dad was out with him but had to run back in the house for something - By the time he got back, Milo had slid out of the harness and left the back yard. He was missing for a week. I called his name every day outside, but he didn't come back. Then, at the end of the week, my dad was leaving for work in the morning and he found Milo pretty much crawling up the driveway. Milo was so severely dehydrated and his back legs and the top of his back by his tail were all cut up and bleeding.

We thought he must have been attacked by another animal, but the vet said it didn't look like anything another animal would do (no bite/claw marks), plus there was a lot of injuries that were consistent, he said, with a 'beating,' whatever that may mean. We did live in an area where there were a lot of animal haters - They would freak out if a squirrel walked on one of their precious lawns - So we became very suspicious. Milo recovered and we eventually moved out of that area... thankfully. How anyone could bring any amount of harm to an animal is completely beyond me.

With Angel, I knew he had a mass in his stomach, but, under the recommendation of the vet (he didn't think Angel would survive a surgery), he was never opened up to find out exactly what it was. Was it cancer? Was it something else? I'll never know. I find myself searching for answers - Looking for symptoms of different diseases and trying to find similarities with Angel - But Angel never showed any symptoms, aside from the two nose bleeds - Other than those two nose bleeds, he acted like every other healthy dog out there. When Angel died, he took one deep breath and never exhaled - Did his heart just stop? Was it painful? Angel had and illness - He had a mass/tumor; he died at home, with me by his side - But I am still left searching for answers. Why? Why did he have to die? Did he have to die?

I'm just so filled with guilt, as I'm sure most of the people who have lost their furry best friends are, regardless of how they died. We bring them into our lives and promise to love and take care of them and then one horrible day when they have to leave us... it feels like we failed them - Well, I feel that way, at least. Even if I did do everything that I could do for Angel, even if it was just his time to go, no one will ever be able to convince me of that. Ever.

LoveMyMickey,

I am so sorry for Mickey's loss. I assume that's him in your avatar - He's beyond adorable! My brother's dog, Sadie, had congestive heart failure, as well. She died last June. He was so devastated. He had joined the army a few years ago and, naturally, couldn't take her with him. He would come home every weekend, though. The day Sadie died she looked really distressed... She started to go downhill very, very quickly. It was on a weekend, so my brother was coming home. The second he got home, he rushed Sadie to the vet. She died while they were there. It was almost as if she was waiting for him - She was holding on with all the strength she had left in her because she knew he was coming home and she wanted to see her boy one last time. Her tongue was literally blue, but she held on. He felt so guilty for leaving for the army and not being with her as much in her last years.

I know with Mickey and Angel we both knew what was coming, but it still doesn't make it any easier. I can only hope that they felt some sort of comfort leaving this Earth in their loving homes. I'm sorry again, LMM. Thank you for your kind words.





I had to venture out into the world today to purchase some cat food. While at the pet store, I walked by tonnes of stuffed dog toys - I was so tempted to buy one. But I didn't. As I was checking out, I turned my head and looked at the racks of cards pet stores usually have displayed near the cash registers. My attention was immediately drawn to one in particular - It's a picture of a snorkeling dog that looks almost exactly like Angel (when his fur is left to grow out). I don't know why, but I bought the card. I didn't even open it until I got home, but inside it just says, "Deepest thanks!" I think I might give it to Angel on May 25th for his 14th birthday.

Hi, MissingMyAngel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so identify with you doing the "second nature" things and feeling the jolt through the body at the very instant "remembering" that this diligent care that has been an integral part of you is no longer physically needed. It does feel like we are losing our beloved companions all over again - - and again - - and again - - through every moment of the deep grief.

Still there are routines that can be comforting to continue doing, such as you're calling to Angel telling him it's time to go to bed. Although your beloved Angel is no longer physically present I guarantee you his sweet Living Spirit is, and the sound of your voice is like sweet incense drifting heavenward to him. He is always a part of you, MMA, and he still enjoys sharing the routines you both did together during his earthly journey - - whatever brings comfort to your heart.

What a wonderful card you found at the pet store yesterday - - truly meant just for you and your beloved Angel. I can truly imagine how difficult it was for you to walk down the aisle of stuffed toys. I remember my first trip back to the pet store after my beloved Oslo joined the angels - - I openly wept during the entire time I was there in the store. Each day in the course of our grief journey holds some form of "first without" with our beloved companion(s), - - it's part of the painful adjustment journey we must endure when our companions precede us to the angels.

I hope today is treating you kindly, MissingMyAngel. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Angel with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MMA, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi MissingMyAngel...Thank you for your kind reply. I agree with Moon_beam, some routines you had with Angel can be comforting. We still tell Mickey goodnight and look at a favorite picture after all these months. Some of his toys and one of his beds is still out in the bedroom. It feels like we are still keeping in touch with him.

I'm like you, I still step over the spot on the living room floor where he passed away. I had never seen anything or anybody die before and I cannot get the image out of my mind. I don't think he was in any pain because he just passed out. We got down on the floor and comforted him until his last breath which was pretty quick. Like your brother's dog, his tongue was blue because of the lack of oxygen.....I'm so sorry for your brother's loss of Sadie.

MMA, thank you for sharing the nice pictures. Your Angel has the sweetest face and eyes......Take care.

((((HUGS))))

LoveMyMickey

I'm having a bad day today. I'm finding it difficult to do anything, even simple, mundane things, without feeling like I'm forgetting about Angel - Like I'm going on as if the past (almost) 14 years of my life with him didn't matter.

On top of that, my wonderful cat, Milo, is now in the hospital. Milo has always had some problems with constipation, but he's always managed to pass his stool on his own. This time, however, Milo has been unable to evacuate. He has been trying for a few days now, but nothing has come out. We know how to do things to help him at home (enemas, stool softeners, etc) but none of those things have helped him this time. Milo is still drinking and peeing, which is good, but he won't eat - With cats, not eating is a very bad thing.

So, Milo is now under the care of the staff at his pet hospital - I hope and pray they will be able to help him - I just can't lose another loved one. I can't.

Angel's ashes haven't even come home to me yet, and now Milo is in the hospital.

I just don't understand.

Why?

It sounds trivial to say, but it just doesn't seem fair - None of it.

Hi, MissingMyAngel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so very sorry that your precious Milo is requring in-hospital care. Constipation in our companions' bodies is the same for us - - it can take the appetite away. I'm hoping and praying that when the blockage is relieved that your precious Milo will once again have a healthy appetite. Please let us know how things go.

What you are experiencing with not being able to concentrate on anything is very normal for this grief journey, and it is even harder when a precious companion is also not well. This just compounds the stress levels.

It truly is okay to scream "it isn't fair" - - because what you are feeling truly isn't fair. Your world as you have known it and cherised for 14 years has drastically changed with the physical absence of your beloved Angel, and this is incredibly painful to adjust to. If it were within my power to take this deep pain from your heart I would, but it isn't. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship, MMA, in the hope that it will bring some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope to you as you travel your grief journey.

Thank you again so very much for sharing with us how you're doing and what is happening with Milo. Please know you and your precious Milo are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, moon beam, for your kind words for Milo. He is spending his second night at the hospital, as he has yet to fully evacuate. The vets say he is very alert, drinking, and peeing on his own. He has had a few enemas and the vets have even gone up there manually, so we are hoping he will completely 'empty out' soon. I kind of feel silly discussing my cat's bowel movements (or lack thereof) on the internet, but hey, we're all pet parents here... I'm sure we've all been up to our elbows in the gross stuff more than we'd like to admit. I just hope that Milo knows that we are coming back for him and that he is not afraid. I know that he is getting tired of people poking at his little cat butt - My poor kitty.


I picked up Angel's ashes today - I feel a bit torn about it though. On one hand, I am so happy he has finally come back home, but, at the same time, I am having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that he has come back home as ashes in an urn. I haven't even been able to take his urn out of the box. The box is beautifully presented with a ribbon tied around it (adorned with little paw prints). I did peek inside - I touched his urn and ran my fingers across his engraved name; I read the sympathy card; I read his cremation certificate; I even managed to take his paw print out of its satin bag for just a minute... that was very difficult to see. I ended up putting everything back in the box and I even tied the ribbon back around it - It's too hard to look at right now. I know that must make me sound like a horrible person, but I just can't do it. It's too hard to admit that the contents of that small box are all that remain of my best friend. He is really gone.

Hi, MissingMyAngel, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Milo are doing. Our companion's physical bodies are the same as ours with the same physical functions. When one "system" isn't working properly it can have an adverse effect on the rest of the body. I'm hoping that your precious Milo's "solid waste emission system" can once again function properly - - and that he is enduring through the "indignities" that the veterinary staff need to do to help him achieve this goal. Please let us know how things go.

Yes, getting your beloved Angel's ashes back is a two-sided coin, as you mentioned: Good to have him back home while yet being another "reality check" that he is no longer physically with you as your heart longs for him to be. You are NOT a "horrible person" for not being able to look at his ashes or pawprint. There is no rush to making decisions about putting things away or keeping things out that your beloved Angel needed during his earthly journey with you. These will come in time - - when YOU are ready, and this is the only thing that matters.

While right now it seems that the contents of the ribbon wrapped box is all that remains of your beloved Angel, I truly hope in time you will come to know that his sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories. The love bond you and your beloved Angel share is eternal, MMA - - the flame of his love light that he shared with you during his earthly journey is forever a part of you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, MissingMyAngel. Please know you and your precious Milo are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so sorry for being late to reply. On other forums around the web that are more about electronics,cars,life etc... when I see a large post I usually skip through it. But your story I read word for word and I cried a little.

I am so so sorry for you and can unfortunately relate to most of your experiences. The horrible situation knowing the time with your soul mate is becoming ever so smaller, day by day. But please take comfort knowing many of us including myself have and still are going through this heart breaking saga. I lost my beloved Tess only 4 days ago and it is unbelievably raw at the moment and I am upset 23 hours of the day. I too refuse to stand or walk in the area where her bed was and where she slept and look down to see an empty space which tears my heart in to pieces.

I'm still awaiting my best friends ashes and I am terrified for how I will feel when that day comes. I pray for Tess every day and hope she hears me.

Today I will pray for you and all of us who have sadly lost our friends and family members. I believe what other members have said in that Angel's soul will always be a part of you and you will be with him forever.

Please take my condolences and best wishes.

Thank you, scott, for taking the time to send your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, as well. It's been one month, to the day, since I lost Angel. Honestly, it feels like it has been years... time has a way of slowing down when you are in agony.

This one month 'anniversary' of Angel's passing happens to fall on his birthday. Today is, or, would have been, Angel's 14th birthday. It's hard to believe that only one month ago I was planning how to celebrate his birthday this year - What to get him, what he will have for his 'birthday dinner,' how will I manage to keep that darn party hat on him long enough to snap a picture, and so on. How badly I wanted to celebrate his day with him here.

I've heard a lot in this past month of how fortunate I am that I had him in my life for so long, and I am, of course, but that still doesn't ease the pain of him being gone, even now. An eternity isn't even long enough to spend with someone you love. Sometimes I still expect him to be on the other side of the door when I come home - I still don't think I've grasped the permanence of his absence yet.

I hope you found some comfort in having your best friend's ashes returned to you. When Angel's ashes first came home, I had a very difficult time even looking at them. I couldn't accept his new 'state of being,' if you will. But now... now I find myself bringing him around to different rooms in the house with me - I even brought him outside one day to sit in the sun and breeze. I was such a beautiful day. He loved sitting outside in the sun - He'd close his eyes and lift his head up to smell all the smells the breeze brought to him.

Hi, MissingMyAngel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your and your beloved Bucky's first month "angel-versary". You are so right when you say "An eternity isn't even long enough to spend with someone you love." No matter how long we are blessed with the physical presence of our companions we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day - - one more lifetime. The good news is that your beloved Bucky's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will until it is your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy.

I hope today is treating you kindly, MissingMyAngel. Thank you for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Bucky - - he is sooooo cute in his party hat. Please know you and your precious Milo are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, moon beam, for your continued kind messages... your words have honestly been a great help in this most difficult time. The pain of losing my best friend is still so raw, but I find that sometimes I am now able to think of him and smile, not cry.

Milo is good - He spent a total of 5 long days in the hospital, where he was subjected to repeated tests and some very invasive procedures - At the end of it all, Milo was diagnosed with megacolon. We were sent home with some 'advice' (not very helpful or even 'current' advice), as well as some Cisapride and Lactulose. He did pretty well for the first few days, but I think that had more to do with the fluid therapy he received at the hospital. After a few days, he became lethargic once again; he didn't eat much (aside from a few licks) and he was still not going 'number two.'

For the next little bit I syringe fed him food and water... lot's of water... but he didn't 'go back to normal.' After the Lactulose was finished, I decided to try RestoraLAX (MiraLAX in the US) because I had read that many cats with megacolon responded much better to that, rather than the Lactulose. Because RestoraLAX is a 'dose to effect' medicine, I played around with his dose a bit - When taking the RestoraLAX, he did regain a lot of his appetite, but he began vomiting, even with an extremely low dose... not to mention, he still wasn't going 'number two.' I decided to stop the RestoraLAX for 48 hours to let it pass though his system completely and was planning on going back to the Lactulose (it didn't make him throw up).

After stopping the stool softeners/laxatives completely and keeping up only with the Cisapride, a crazy thing happened... Milo went poo... a lot... and he ate... a lot... he began playing and 'spunking' out... a lot. I was shocked. He eyes brightened up, he didn't vomit anymore, and he went back to drinking water on his own - He was a cat again.

I don't know, I have yet to read of a megacolon cat that doesn't take a stool softener/laxative, but Milo seems to be doing amazing without one. He only eats grain-free wet food, so maybe the food is enough to keep his stool soft? Before he got sick he used to eat a mix of dry and wet food, but he won't touch the dry anymore, thankfully.

I don't want to speak too soon because he has only been on the 'Cisapride only' therapy for a week now, but I can honestly say he is doing a million times better than he was before. Of course, it will be a day-to-day thing for the rest of his life, but I'm hoping we have found what works for him and his body.

We still haven't ruled out surgery (subtotal colectomy), but that will only happen as a last resort. Hopefully he will continue to do well without it - My bank account would certainly appreciate it... 5 days in a pet hospital costs a small fortune. But, then again, the Cisapride is $70 for a 25 day supply, so maybe, in the long run, the surgery would be the smarter option... After all, the Cisapride isn't guaranteed to work forever either.

Anyways, Milo is staring at me - He wants something - So, I must go...

As always, moon beam, thank you for taking the time to keep up with Angel and Milo (and me) and for your kind words