I'm new here, this is my first time posting. Two days ago, I lost my babygirl, Ellie, to kidney failure. I'm having the hardest time dealing with this......

We found Ellie 5 years ago. She was a stray in our neighborhood and it took me almost 2 weeks to get her to trust me enough to let me pet her and feed her. When I finally was able to, a neighbor ended up calling animal control and they came and got her. Mind you, this dog was terrified and had clearly been abused (she had cigarette burns on the insides of her legs, she urinated on herself anytime a man came close to her). My husband and I ended up going to animal control and adopting her after the 3 day wait period, all the while thinking we'd find her a good home because we already had two dogs. Well, long story short, we couldn't part with her and we ended up keeping her.

Last Thursday, my Ellie stopped eating. Well, she ate Thursday morning, but not Thursday night, which wasn't unusual, especially when the temps started warming up. Friday she didn't eat again, so my husband and I took her to the vet Saturday morning. Vet told us that it showed the symptoms of a stomach bug, so they would treat it that way and gave her a shot and some pills for nausea. She told us to feed her chicken broth and that she would start eating again soon. Well, as you can imagine, she didn't eat anything Saturday or Sunday, so we took her back on Monday thinking she needed something else, never suspecting it was anything worse. We saw the same doctor at the vet on Monday morning and she still thought it was a stomach bug, but she decided to run blood work. When she came back in the room, the look on her face was awful. She said, "It's kidney failure, what did she get into?" My husband and I were positive that she didn't get into anything, and she just kept saying it had to have been anti-freeze, grapes or raisins. Then we were told we were going to have to hospitalize her and try and get some fluids into her. Well, we stayed with her a while on Monday, she seemed like she felt better once they got the IV in her. It seemed like there was some hope.

Tuesday afternoon, as soon as I got out of work, I went to visit her. My husband had gone in the morning and had tried to feed her some chicken, she ate a little bit, he said that she seemed to be doing ok and they would check her levels on Wednesday. Well, when I was there in the afternoon, she seemed ok, but when the vet came in, I could tell that things weren't well. She told me that Ellie was refusing to eat, which was a bad sign, and that maybe she had a 50/50 chance. She said the levels were so high and that she really wish I had caught it earlier and brought her in on Thursday or Friday, maybe she would've had a better chance. I wanted to scream at her and say I brought her in on Saturday and that they didn't even run blood work. She also kept asking me, again, if I figured out what she got into. I told her that my husband and I looked everywhere and that there wasn't anything that we could see that she had gotten into. My dogs spend most of the day outside in our fenced in backyard and the other two dogs were fine.

Wednesday came and brought the worst news. Her levels didn't improve enough and were still off the charts. We were told that there wasn't much else that they could do for her. We made the decision to bring her home and have a vet that my mother in law knows come to the house to put our baby to sleep. She confirmed that the numbers were just too bad and that if it was her dog, she would do the same. When we got her home, it was almost as if she was already gone. She had absolutely no life left in her. She was able to make it outside to pee and drink some water, she kissed our other two on the mouth (they missed her after not having seen her for 2 days) and then she came inside, laid down and never got up again. I held her and kissed her while the vet administered the euthanasia. My husband pet her the whole time and told her what a good girl she was. She went very peacefully, while I cried.

I haven't been able to accept that she is gone. I don't understand what happened to my beautiful 5 year old baby girl. A week and a half ago, she was completely fine, bouncing around, loving life. Now she's gone and I'm left wondering what the hell went wrong. I don't know if she was born with bad kidneys and they just played out, I don't know if someone jumped over my wall and poisoned her..........I'm left just completely dumbfounded. I keep searching the internet for answers. I'm also paranoid that it's going to happen to my other two dogs, who are about 11 years old. Even though they are showing no signs of anything wrong, I keep thinking the same thing is going to happen to one of them....or both.

The guilt and the pain is overwhelming. I don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this. I was diagnosed with untreatable infertility earlier this year and I just feel like this is too much to deal with. I feel like this is too unfair. I lost my baby girl. She trusted me and I let her down. How do you move on from something like this?Click to view attachment

Hello Ellie's mom

My heart is crying for you in the sudden passing of your baby girl Ellie. There is not shock and pain in life like that of losing the earthly presence of a special fur-baby. Nothing, nothing can even begin to touch the pain right now, Ellie's mom. Only let me reassure you that you did EVERYTHING you could and EVERYTHING right. Ellie is what some American Indians calla "white-buffalo" animal - one who is actually part of another being, usually a person. Your story of Ellie coming to you tells me that you and she are truly one being. You each carry a part of each other's soul. (More about that later).

Then, let me also reassure you tha animals sometimes crash suddenly. My Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) crashed in one day (April 9, 2011) of a total neurological collapse - something that had never even been suspected on our many visit to our vet - who, in my opinion is the best vet in the state, if not the country.

One day they're here, the next day they're not. But the truth is, like people, animals also live on after their earthly existence - particularly spirit-animals, since they're actually part of another's being. A wonderful friend here, the "mother" of most of us on this site, Moonbeam, will send you a truly wonderful message as soon as she sees you are here for the first time. I've learned a lot from her: that just because we cannot see or hear or touch our soul-mates doesn't mean they're not existing and are right beside us, where they always were when we could see them. My vet, the ultimate man of science, told me about Gretta, "She's in a safe place now." If HE believes it, it has to be so.

Our fur-babies are in the Perfect World, from where they came. They are well, warm, happy, fed, loved - and are still watching over us, guiding our steps, and loving and being loved by us - their other halnes - exactly as before. Ellie will never leave you, nor you her. Look what she went through to find you - her one and only in this infinite universe!

No words can comfort you right now, Ellie's mom. You're in the shock state - every moment is like begin shot in the heart with a high-powered rifle. In a few weeks, this might move on toe the "robot walk" stage - walking through like's errands, no longer bursting into tears a hundred times a day (only 50!), your heart and soul shredded. I'm almost exactly a year away from having seen my Gretta for the last time on earth and I still cry (like now). Some people say that someday the pain turns into happy memories, but I don't really believe that. For myself, after one year, my heartache is about 80% of what is was the day after Gretta hopped on the bus and went home. It'll likely remain there until the day I join her in the Perfect World.

Rest in the knowledge that Ellie lives, she's right there with you, she's soft and warm and wants only the best for you - a live of peace. Impossible now, I know, but that's what she'll lead you to. (And don't be afraid if you do some crazy stuff in your grief - I slept on Gretta's huge orthpedic dog bed for over a week and still hold the velvet pillow I had made for her.) Love is like that. And one thing we know, love NEVER dies.

Please keep in toch here, Ellie's mom. This is the best support site there is. There are no crazies, everyone truly cares and is loving and supportinvee of our LS brothers and sisters. We'll make it, Ellie's mom, we really will.

Gretta's mom

Hi, Rajawintermiko, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Ellie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

I am so very sorry about the circumstances that led to your beloved Ellie no longer being physically pwith you. You ask "How do you move on from something like this?" The answer is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity, and unfortunately it is filled so many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at once that can make us feel like we are going insane. I assure you, Rajawintermiko, that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both physically and emotionally - - yet still very normal. Unfortunately there is no fast forward or delete button you can press that will speed up the process or make it go away. This deep grief pain will not go away overnight, in a week or a month. But I promise you, Rajawintermiko, that one day when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Ellie and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and you will feel your heart fill with the warmth of your beloved Ellie's eternal love for you once again. It's there now, but is overshadowed by the deep grief you are feeling. Your beloved Ellie knows that you did everything in your power to give her a happy and healthy earthly journey with you, and she is forever thankful for your enduring unselfish love for easing her transition home to the angels even though your heart was breaking, and continues to break under the heavy burden of grief. Please know that her sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories, Rajawintermiko - - she is forever a heartbeat close to you.

One of the many things you must remember during your grief journey is that you are never alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I know right now there are no words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart. I can only hope that as you read my words that you will find some comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Ellie with us, Rajawintermiko, and the wonderful picture of your little girl. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam