My little dog died a few weeks ago at the age of almost 18. She'd gotten ill in mid-January, seemed to be getting better for a while, and then started to decline rapidly during the last couple weeks before her body finally gave out. Her last few days were spent rushing from vet to vet to try and save her.

The guilt is eating me alive. During her care I didn't do research on her illness the way I needed to (I skimmed stuff or bookmarked and later forgot), didn't ask many questions, I procrastinated at times (and rationalized it away), forgot medicine doses occasionally and her food would be late sometimes or miscalculated, started a journal for her but didn't stick with it, didn't make a chart to keep track of what she got each day as she got it, didn't get certain treatments she needed because I didn't realize how important/urgent they were (though apparently one of them would've made her heart give out but I didn't know it at the time), I'd get tired and figure I'd do more later/tomorrow, etc... I kept doing what seemed like "enough" to keep her going or what was quick and easy instead of giving my all. I didn't stop and think about how serious all of this was. I'd get stressed out and would spend time I should've spent on her on the computer or reading. When she started to decline, she began getting maybe half of the calories she would normally need when I had to start force-feeding baby food. I didn't put in the effort I should have to make her eat her full caloric requirements even if she didn't want it. I didn't have much money at all through most of this, so I made incorrect guesses on symptoms she was having or stuff she needed. I was also under a lot of other stress, and felt like I was falling apart at the same time she was ill.

There were some things I did right. I tried to take her out more often, I slept at her side, etc... but the screwups outnumber those things.

She was looked at by another doctor after she died, who found she had severe heart disease, dementia, bad lungs, failing kidneys, etc... The doctor said she died of old age.

I'm losing my mind. I hate myself so much for, even if she was dying anyway, not giving my all and being diligent and on top of things. There were even a couple meds that could have made her feel a little better that I wasn't giving her. This was her last month and a half of life and I gave C-grade care. I can't move on, I can't think about anything else. All I can think about is how horrible I was to her and how I took her for granted. When I try not to think about it the pressure builds up in the back of my head and it all floods back in worse than ever. Everything reminds me of her. It just feels like this is unforgivable. I've always idealized heroism and high morals, but I failed my little girl when she needed me most. I just feel like dying.

I don't know what to do.

Dear NoRainbow

My heart goes out to you in the loss of your long-time friend and soul-mate. I think you should be complimented on not "researching" her diseases. Most of the time the info poeple find just scares them more because it only applies to the general case, not your specific baby.

Oh, No Rainbow, Moon Beam will answer you soon and she will tell you that guilt is ALWAYS a huge part of grief. I can tell from your writing that you did THE BEST you could for darling Tyson. Nobody can give their fur baby enough care to stave off his or her passing. Tyson's life was unusually long - because of your love and care for him. I've had to force feed a dog once - and that experience has left me with the resolve NEVER to do it again. A psychologist at the vet school where I "lost" me Gretta last April said something that struck me deeply" Animals choose their times of arriving and their times of departing. My vet, the ultimate man of science, when he heard Gretta was gone, gave me three huge hugs and said, She's in a safe place now. So is Tyson. He's young again, romping around in the sunshine, and one day (oh, it's way too long, I know) you'll get together again.

Feel TYson's breath on your face, even if it brings on unbeearable sorrow. He's right there watching over you and loving you and being loved by you. Hold that thought, have the best day possible - even if you break into tears a hundred times - and I'll write you again tonight.

In sorrow and faith,

Gretta's mom

Hi, norainbow, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Norainbow, please let me try to offer you some reassurance that what you are feeling is normal grief - - very painful both physically and emotionally, - - yet still very normal. There are so many emotions that overwhelm us when we are in deep grief, and unfortunately guilt is one of them and is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile. We are mere mortals, norainbow. We do not possess the privilege of foreknowledge - - only the wisdom that comes with hindsight. It is only through looking backward that we can obtain a perspective of events that happened. When the course of events turns out positive, we know we made the right decisions. When the course of events turns out differently than what we hoped for, we find ourselves engulfed in the "second guessing" - - the "what ifs" "why didn't Is" "why did Is" "I should have - - should not have" and on and on and on become an emotional torture.

I totally agree with our forum friend's Gretta's response to you about the research: "I think you should be complimented on not "researching" her diseases. Most of the time the info poeple find just scares them more because it only applies to the general case, not your specific baby." While there is a lot of helpful information on the internet, it really needs to be guided by the specific situation of your companion. While there are many improvements in veterinary medicine does not mean that the procedures are appropriate. Decisions always need to be made on the basis of what is BEST for your companion. And you made the tough decisions, norainbow, that each of us have struggled with. Your precious companion is eternally grateful to you for everything you did for her during her earthly journey. I hope and pray that someday you will be able to find a peace and comfort and reassurance in your heart.

Norainbow, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes one moment at a time. Unfortunately there is no fast forward or delete button to press that will speed up the process or make it go away. But I promise you, norainbow, that one day when you least expect it this seering pain that is in your heart will ease. When this happens it will be a good thing because you will then be able to think of your beloved companion and smile -- truly smile - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of your and your beloved companion's eternal love. This is what your companion wants for you, norainbow - - as do each of us here. The love bond you and your beloved companion share is eternal, norainbow. It is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit is forever a part of you, norainbow - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart, norainbow. I can only hope and pray that the words I share with you will bring some form of comfort, encouragement, and hope to you as you travel your journey. One of the many things for you to remember is that you are never alone, norainbow. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved companion with us, norainbow. I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of your baby girl with us - - but only when / if you feel like it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, norainbow, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear norainbow, please accept my sincere sympathies on the loss of you precious little dog. I am sorry that you are going through this. I think that too often we judge ourselves too harshly and torture ourselves with guilt and questions of "what if". The role of caregiver is not an easy one, and feeling stressed out as you describe it happens to caregivers. It is evident that you loved your little dog very much and tried to take very good care of her without stressing her out in the process. You were so mindful of your dog not being able to eat that you didn't try to force feed her the full caloric requirement. You were being compassionate instead of making her do things she didn't want to do. It sounds like you had a difficult time coping with your little dog's illness and you probably could have used someone to take care of you at the same time. I am sorry you had to go through all this. From my own experience I know that the guilt feelings are especially strong the first few weeks into the grief journey. Like you I felt horrible and was eaten up by guilt. It's been almost 3 months now since my beloved Danny boy passed on, and it has gotten somewhat easier.

Your little dog had so many diseases that her tiny fragile body finally gave out. Please do not judge yourself so harshly. Please try to get enough rest and be especially kind to yourself as the grief journey wears us out.

Hugs,
DannysMom

Norainbow, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is quite obvious that your dog was very special to you, and I have no doubt - in spite of your feelings of guilt right now - that sweet girl knew it. Please allow me to add to what the others have said. The guilt you are feeling right now is very normal, as painful as it may be. I think we have all second-guessed ourselves to infinity and beyond, in the wake of losing our beloved companions.

I hope you'll allow me to add what I've seen in my experience as a nurse, as well. Being a caregiver to anyone with a chronic illness is overwhelming and exhausting, whether that is to a human being or a cat, a dog, a bunny, a ferret - being a caregiver is tiring. May I reply to you line-by-line?

During her care I didn't do research on her illness the way I needed to (I skimmed stuff or bookmarked and later forgot)
- There is a lot of information to take in, with any illness. No one becomes an expert overnight, and it sounds like you were trying to become more knowledgeable, even if you weren't able to learn everything you wanted to. Dealing with a major illness can being near-paralyzing, sometimes.

didn't ask many questions,
- Did you even know what questions to ask? Sometimes, it's hard to even know where to begin, and it's very understandable to be overwhelmed.

I procrastinated at times (and rationalized it away),
- I think this is sometimes how we protect ourselves from something that is so deeply frightening and devastating as a major illness. It's hard. And I think most of us have done this.

forgot medicine doses occasionally and her food would be late sometimes or miscalculated,
- I know you're beating yourself up for this right now, but let me just say that no one is perfect. We all forget things. We all make mistakes.

started a journal for her but didn't stick with it, didn't make a chart to keep track of what she got each day as she got it,
- Sometimes you don't realize just how much there is to do, until you try to do all of it! I was so tired and overwhelmed when my Pippin was sick, and it took me a while to think to do this. Forgive yourself; now you'll know to do this in the future - though I truly hope you never have to go through this again.

didn't get certain treatments she needed because I didn't realize how important/urgent they were (though apparently one of them would've made her heart give out but I didn't know it at the time),
- I'm sure this is something you're struggling with right now - wishing you knew more when you needed to know it, not now when it's too late. Hindsight is a terrible know-it-all, that way, isn't it? :-/ I can only speak from my own experience, but sometimes, all the knowledge in the world still doesn't change the way things turn out.


I'd get tired and figure I'd do more later/tomorrow, etc... I kept doing what seemed like "enough" to keep her going or what was quick and easy instead of giving my all.
Forgive me if I'm overstepping, but you sound exhausted to me, norainbow. It doesn't sound like any of this was quick or easy for you. You did what we all do - what I do on a daily/hourly/by the minute basis professionally - you prioritized the most important things, as you were able to understand them, and you did them. Sometimes you just can't do everything.

I didn't stop and think about how serious all of this was. I'd get stressed out and would spend time I should've spent on her on the computer or reading.
- As I said, being a caregiver is overwhelming and exhausting. I encourage my patients' families to take breaks, and to make time for themselves, for sleep, for meals, and so on. You had to take some time to step aside - how else could you have returned to caring for your dear girl if you didn't do that? (You couldn't have.)

When she started to decline, she began getting maybe half of the calories she would normally need when I had to start force-feeding baby food. I didn't put in the effort I should have to make her eat her full caloric requirements even if she didn't want it.
- You see this as not putting in the effort to make her eat her full caloric requirements, while I see this as not spending the last days/weeks of your beloved dog's life forcing her to eat. You respected HER wishes! There is nothing wrong with this. How much more stress would it have caused you and her to force feed her more? How miserable would that have made those days?

I didn't have much money at all through most of this, so I made incorrect guesses on symptoms she was having or stuff she needed. I was also under a lot of other stress, and felt like I was falling apart at the same time she was ill.
- What would you tell a friend you really care about, right now, if she were saying these things to you? Be kind to yourself, as much as you can. This is so hard, losing a beloved companion. Be gentle with yourself. You were falling apart.

There were some things I did right. I tried to take her out more often, I slept at her side, etc...
- Yes, yes, yes! Focus on what you did right, because I bet you did a lot more right than you realize. In the long run, do you think that force-feeding her more food, or reading more about her condition would have made her last days better? I doubt it, but I know that taking her out more often and sleeping by her side made them immeasurably better!

She was looked at by another doctor after she died, who found she had severe heart disease, dementia, bad lungs, failing kidneys, etc... The doctor said she died of old age.
Norainbow, I'm no veterinarian, but I can say that so many of those things are so common in old age in pets and people! Pets are so very stoic, and try so hard to hide their illnesses from us, just out of pure instinct. There is no way you could have know about all those conditions, and certainly no way that - I'm guessing - they could have been cured. They all sound like chronic, irreversible conditions - and I imagine you could as your vet what he/she thinks about that, if you felt like it. With all of those things going awry in her body, perhaps the other vet was really just trying to say: this was going to happen, either way.

Norainbow, I am so very sorry that you are hurting and feeling gut-wrenching guilt right now. Please know that what you're feeling is normal, and we're all here to support you through it. Know that being a caregiver is exhausting and overwhelming, and what you were feeling at that time is also normal. Also, know this: You did the best you could with the information you had at the time, and she knew she was loved.

Dear norainbow

I am ever so sorry for your loss.

Your baby lived a wonderful long 18 years of love and care and knows if you could have done more you would have.

You did do enough norainbow. You showed her in her last few days that you were willing to take her anywhere to help her survive but it was her time to go and when it is time there is nothing we can do as humans.

This is not your fault though. Guilt is a horrible part of bereavement. I should have done this and I should have done that. But you will slowly be able to swap some of the guilt you feel with memories of the fun times and the memories of all the love you gave your baby. Bereavement is a journey and some find it easier to get through then others. When you love a pet that much you will never lose the sadness you feel about losing her but time will heal in the sense of the guilt and anger you feel and the ableness to smile at your times together again.

My thoughts are with you.

xxForeverxx