I have been putting off in posting for a little while because I just didn't want to deal with all the feelings but it's just a wave that washes over me everyday.
Growing up my family and I adopted the cutest little cotton ball cat - he was adorable, a kitten and just white and gorgeous with green (what I called Raptor) eyes.
He was the love of my life. He was my shadow. He was my shadow for 15 years other than the two years that my cat had to stay with my Sister because the bf's Mom wouldn't let me have him in the apartment. I am so grateful that I had him for his last year...
On Sunday I had to put him down. (
How can an animal be totally fine one day and then so sick the next??
In October of 2011 he was acting so very odd and it turned out that he had apparent kidney problems but he turned around and was back to his old self again despite losing around 8lbs from the Summer. He was 15lbs and dropped to 7lbs.
The last week or so he was constantly meowing...he looked confused sometimes...my boyfriend thought that maybe he was going deaf...I thought that he was developing Alzheimer's. He didn't eat that well or drink...although he was always in the washroom trying to drink from the tap. I just didn't know what he wanted half the time.
Saturday he was fine...we hung out together and everything and then Sunday I woke up and his back legs wouldn't work. He was hunched over and just wanted to stay in a dark cold spot so hid behind the toilet in our washroom.
I immediately took him to the emergency vet hospital and they did bloodwork...his bloodwork was really wonky...his potassium was so low and they wanted $1200 to do more tests and the vet said that it was only the beginning, he was old and fragile, I didn't have the money...
I had to make a decision and I had to put him down...
I held him before he was taken from me and he just looked tired. He is usually wide awake at the vets or trying to get back in his carrier but he just laid in my arms and made a low noise and looked like he was falling asleep. I cried and cried and stayed with him to the very end.

I just miss him so much.
I stayed in bed for about 3 days straight and cried and couldn't eat. I glance around the apartment and sometimes feel like I see him. I sleep with his pillow. I feel guilty and second guess myself. I just want him back so much...some days I am in denial and will have him back, other days I know I won't...but sometimes there isn't a spot in the apartment that I don't look at where he would sleep and I want to cry.

This is my first animal and death in my life...I don't know what to do. I love him so much.
I wish I didn't have to let him go, I wish I could have him a little while longer - the vet told me I could take him home for a night and see if he turned around but that she didn't know how much longer he would last.

I love you so much Sky. I hope you're not mad at me.
I miss you. I will forever miss you.

-Sandra.*

Sandra, please allow me to offer my sincere sympathies on the loss of your precious Sky. It makes it especially hard dealing with it since he was your first furry friend and first death. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I too lost a sweet little fur baby. My Danny boy died 2 months ago. I know what you are going through. It hurts like crazy, and it seems like the pain just won't stop. You mentioned that your little baby lost 8 pounds, which was more than half his weight. For a cat to lose that much weight in a short time indicates that there is something seriously wrong with them. If put on a diet cats should not lose more than 1 pound in a year.
Sandra, your little Sky is safe with the angels now, and you most likely spared him much pain and suffering by letting him go. Cats are very adapt at hiding their illness and pain, which means that by the time we notice they are sick their illness is usually at an advanced stage. Please know that we are here for you in this forum to help you through your grief.
Hugs to you,
DannysMom

Thank you DannysMom,

My sincerest sympathies and love for you and your little furbaby that was taken from you.
I know that 8lbs is a lot in 6 months. It is hard for me, I wish I could do something different, I SHOULD have done something different. It was my first pet, I just wish I paid more attention.
I know that guilt and second guessing is part of the process. I have never felt grief before. There is definitely a void there.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Immensely.

Thanks again. <3

Today is a particularly hard day.
Sunday is going to be even harder.
(

Hi, Sandra, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Sky. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions on this side of eternity - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Sandra, it doesn't matter if it's our first experience of deep sorrow or our thousandth - - the grief journey is never easy. It is uniquely painful because each of our relationships with each of our companions is different. Please let me try to reassure you that you did the very best for your beloved Sky by releasing him from his frail, failing, painful physical body. What you ask is so universal to each of us who know the pain of losing the precious physical presence of our companions: "How can an animal be totally fine one day and then so sick the next??" Sandra, our companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling. It is an inherited genetic trait from their wild cousins. Any indication of illness, injury, weakness makes them vulnerable and easy prey. Unfortunately for us, their caregivers, they do not reveal how badly they are feeling until they just can't disguise it any longer. By that time the effects of the illness / injury have already taken a toll on their bodies. Sometimes veterinary medicine can provide a good quality of life and sometimes, sadly, as the case with your beloved Sky, the only loving decision to make is to release them home to the angels. There is no greater love than this, Sandra, than to put the needs of another loved one ahead of what our hearts yearn for so much - - to keep them with us. Please believe when I tell you that your beloved Sky is looking on you from his heavenly home with his heart overflowing with eternal love for you thanking you for putting his needs first. There is no need to ask his "forgiveness" for loving him.

Sandra, this grief journey is filled with so many emotions that can overwhelm us all at once. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds it can truly make us feel like we are losing our minds. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. This grief journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. I assure you, Sandra, that you are never alone in your journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss in your heart. I can only hope that somehow the words I share with you will offer you some comfort, encouragement, support, and hope as you travel your journey. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Sky with us, Sandra. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to posting a picture(s) of him - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Sandra, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam