About 2 years ago, a little stray kitten with big blue eyes came into our lives. For us, it was love at first sight. He was starving, his bones showed. We felt he had been put out. He seemed to have been abused. Tho he begged for food, it took some time to really win him over. We nursed him back to health & hoped he'd be with us a long time. But... he wasn't. After only 2 years, he was diagnised with FIV, & our hearts broke. We tried keeping him in doors & hoped to keep him alive awhile longer, but he was miserable, depressed. He had always been an outside cat. Not that we wanted him to be. We'd loved for him to stay inside with us all the time. But he had to have his freedom. And then he caught FIV!!! After about a month of his "captivity", as it must've seemed to him, I could not stand to see him so miserable any longer & persuaded my wife we should have him euthanized. The first time we tried to take him, we backed out halfway there. Later the same day, we got up the nerve for another try & succeeded. WE picked him up this morning & burried him. We are grief stricken. We miss him terribly!!! The vet said we did the right thing. I want to believe so. But we sure miss him. Before we put him in the ground, we unwrapped him for one last look. He was in a resting position & looked contented. He even seemed to have a smile on his face. That is about the only thing now that gives us any comfort or consolation. But God we miss our pet!!!! Can anyone offer any hints on dealing with grief?

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little loved one. What was his name? It is wonderful that that you had those two years together, although two years is far too short.
I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom. I can just share how my grief has been with me. My beloved Jordan (black lab) died five months ago. It was unbearable at first. I was overcome and consumed with grief. I felt so empty inside and was constantly showered with waves of pain. As the days passed the time inbetween the "waves" of grief/fits of tears lengthened. To my amazement, it did get easier. I still have hard days but I truly believe that our pets are better off and are happier than we can even imagine. It is those of us left behind that are hurting now.
I'm sorry you had to find this web site in these cir%%stances but its a wonderful place to talk and think about your boy. Just know that everyone here is very supportive and is heartbroken for their pets as well. Take care.
Jordan's mom

I think it is too soon for me to really offer any advise...but I do offer my condolences. My baby had to be put to rest on Saturday...so I feel your pain. There are so many wonderful people here at LS. And I just want you to know that you have come to the right place.

Hi billyc,
In my humble opinion ...yes you did the right thing. The cat is my avatar is the reason I found this site. He died after surgery. It happened over the summer and I was so heartsick for months! In my case it felt as if I literally and figuratively did take his life. (because we hit him ourselves in our truck in our driveway). He had been a stray--just like your whitie--and also "had" to be outside. I will never completely forgive myself for what happened...but I know I can not keep blaming myself or my significant other (who was driving).
Prior to taking in Ginger my first cat ever was also a stray and I learned that he had leukemia too. The vet talked me into keeping him anyway and I can tell you that when the end comes it is very very difficult. If I had it to do all over again, knowing what I now know, I would have handled it as you did. You spared your wonderful friend all the suffering that was going to be a certainty. You can be proud of stepping up to the plate to do this FOR whitie. You could have thought about yourselves....but you put him first.
I know that it is too soon to think about it--but it sounds like you have a big heart--I am starting to think that all the people and animals in our lives are there for good solid reasons! maybe whitie was "given" to you so that one day you would know the rewards of showing compassion for one of god's more "disadvantaged" creatures. I know that I learned so much from my wonderful times with Ginger (who not only had been downtrodden but was very mean to boot). I think I learned a great deal more about myself "through him" than I could have in any other way!---Maybe after awhile you will open your heart to another animal as you did this special messenger.
Maybe you could post a photo and whitie's story over on the memorial page. That helps alot to do that...because you are going to keep thinking of him anyway---so you might as well honor that.
I wish I could give you and your mrs a big real life hug. Here is a cyber one {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BILLYC}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{MRSBILLYC}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Write anytime. We are here
Love
Patti

Dear Patti,

Today memories of Whitie have begun not to hurt so much, which is perhaps an answer to prayer. I still miss him & probably always will, but he pain is easing. Can't say I won't have any more. That's probably way too optimistic an assumption. But I think I've forgiven myself for having him euthanised. Yesterday, I felt like a murderer, just terrible guilt. Perhaps that was the worst of my pain. This morning, I walked out to his little grave & was hurting, so I prayed to Jehovah to please give me comfort & take the pain out of the memories that keep flooding me. I did have a few more painful moments, lumps in the throat, ache in the heart or soul, & there were periods of real numbness. Don't know what tomorrow may hold. It helped to get out, away from the hose & yard that are so haunted by his memory. We worked at the food bank half the day, & later spent some time at the library. I think my wife is recovering some too, maybe not quite as fast. Not sure. We had already adopted another cat, a kitten at the time, when we realized Whitie was not going to be content to stay indoors with us all the time. For one thing, we feared the dear boy would one morning be found dead in the street. I know of several close calls he had. I would really love to post his picture & his story, but I have no idea how to post a photo. Thanks for writing & sharing. I'll pray for you too, & the others above. I'm grateful to them too. In time, I think I would like to get another cat. Right now, our finances would not allow us to buy one. My wife is out of work, which is one reason we volunteer at the food bank. But rest assured, if another little waif like Whitie showed up here, he would not be turned away.

your post brought a smile to my lips----because I know that one day whitie will send you another pal. You sound like wonderful people thanks for writing...I am very glad that you feel better! Whitie is at the rainbow bridge with my Ginger. They are friends, just like we are here.
Hugs,
Patti

Hi Patti,

I regret to say I've been having some more serious sadness this morning, but it will pass. I've prayed. But boy to I ever miss my little boy! Boy oh boy do I! I know my wife does too. We have a spare cat, Precious, which we got in case Whitie got run over. He'd had several close calls in the road that I know of. We expected that was how he would go. Never dreamed Feline AIDS would get him. Sure hate we had to have him euthanised. For awhile I felt like a murderer. I would give anything to have him back. If only he hadn't been so miserable, we'd still have him. He hated the medicene I had to give him & I feared he was beginning to dislike me for it. And he wanted to go back outside SOOOO bad. It was heartbreaking. Also, having to keep him in the bathroom so Precious wouldn't get FIV from him. She couldn't understand why she couldn't socialize with her old buddy. Since he passed on, she has become more affectionate & playful, like she was as a kitten. It's almost like she's trying to cheer us up. Well, I'd better go. Time to put on the morning coffee. Thanks for writing Patti!

billy--it is strange how the feelings come over us at odd times..like in waves! I know exactly what you mean when you say you would "give anything" to have him back..how often I have thought those very words! I know you did the right thing because my cat Viktor was very very unhappy and uncomfortable in the end. We people are so fortunate to be able to make their passing less stressful. Whitie is young and happy and outside all the time at the rainbow bridge. He is perfect now! Didn't God bless us with the most wonderful creatures to be our friends?? how often I have read here on this message board that people turned to their pets when they were sad and their pets were there for them---BETTER than people sometimes!! Ginger used to come to me when I called him....just like a dog. In many ways he was like a "kid" to me. He was a bully and I couldn't stop him from fighting. I was afraid when I took him in that he might have one of those dreaded diseases. I guess it never matters what form the end comes in---it is all wretched to be without them.!!! {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}!!!

Good morning, Patti. So far this morning I don't feel too bad. But yesterday was not one of my better days. Had several crying spells. You are right, I thot of Whitie as a friend. In fact, when we took him to the vet that last time, I told them, "He was my friend>" It came out in a sob. Very unmasculine. When both of my parents died & we lost our baby to SIDS, I did not show my grief in public & mostly shared my sadness with Kathy my wife,but when we too poor Whitie to be "put down" I could not restrain my tears. A few are rolling down my cheeks now. Perhaps it is because I am older? They say we have a 2nd childhood. As a child I was especially sentimental, to my dad's disgust. He was Mr. Macho. My mom, God rest her soul, thot tears were a sign of mental illness, so naturally thot me daft. My wife grieves with me over Whitie, weeps almost as much. He was like a child to us, as is Precious. It seem so awful we were able to keep him such a short time. Barely 2 years. We miss him SO much!!! I am glad he looked like he had a smile on his face, when we burried him. He was wrapped up in a blue sheet, but we had had to have one last look & to hold him one last time, even if he was cold as ice. No doubt they kept him in the refridgerator overnight. But he looked peaceful & content like he was taking a little catnap. I love you Whitie, wherever you are. I know the Jehovah's Witnesses believe animals have no resurrection hope, but I can't bear the thot of never seeing my little baby again. I don't believe I'll ever be baptized, even if it meant no resurrection or eternal life for me. I'm sure they will be disappointed in me. Yesterday at the meeting, I slept of & on all thru it. I think my sinus pill made me drowsy.

I'm not too familiar with the rainbow bridge, Patti. I have read some works by Andrew Jackson Davis that described the spirtworld as a rainbow ring. Another book, full of false prophecies, says Heaven is on planet Saturn, the ringed world. The JWs would have a canniption if they knew I had such stuff in my home. They've even objected to Kathy's unicorn collection, which got her hackles up.

Our other cat, Precious just came in & meowed for attention. I guess she wants me to throw some food for her to chase, our morning ritual. We taught her that when she was a kitten. Since Whitie's passing, she was become more affectionate & playful again, almost like she's trying to cheer us up. Kathy believes she misses Whitey too, tho in his last month of life we had to keep them separate.

Tho no one was written to me in a few days, I will add this update: Jehovah has sent us a new addition. Yesterday, at a church where we went to get some food, a little callico kitten came in the building & I went after her & claimed her. I had named her Sweety even before we left there. She is very young, maybe about a month old? I can hold her in one hand but she sticks out on both sides, head & fore legs on one & hindquarters on the other. Precious is seriously jealous, so that presents me with a challenge ofasurring her she is still loved. Thanks Patti & all for the kind words & prayers. We still miss Whitey of course, but are beginning to feel better.

Dear Billy,

I am so happy to hear that you have been sent another precious kitty to share your love with. I'm sure Precious will accept Sweety (such sweet names!) soon enough.

I hope you are starting to have more "good" days. I was touched by several things I read in your posts. Like you, I watched my husband hide pain and tears in public. He has lost his mother, father AND older brother. I watched him stay SO strong in public. However, when we had to put our precious Rachael out of her misery, he had a MUCH harder time hiding the tears. Even talking to him during the day at work over the phone, I could hear the tears when we talked about Rachael. I had no idea how much harder a furbaby's death affected us than most humans, until I started reading posts in here. He seems to have gained some control again, and although he talks about her and looks very sad, I am the one left still crying all the time.

I was happy to read that Precious became a much more active and affectionate furbaby for your family. We still have a three old black lab that I have found has become so extremely affectionate now. I am surprised at how much more we have bonded with him. My husband has started taking him on more car rides. Our yard is fenced and he runs and plays out there, but I suddenly decided to start taking him out on the leash for long walks around our neighborhood. He now gets to experience new sights and smells and he just loves it. I guess by the time we got Danny, Rachael had slowed down and then developed arthritis. Since we couldn't take Rachael for long walks or car rides like we used to, Danny suffered too. I thought about this when I read how poor Precious couldn't understand why she couldn't cuddle and play with Whitie.

We are very anxious to get another puppy. You are lucky that you were sent your new addition. I know when the time is right, we will find ours too.

Cheri

Hi Patti. Looks like you are the only one who is to write me more than once. It is good to hear from you again. The coming of Sweety was quite a surprise. We were there to get food. My wife is out of work & her unemployment check is too high to get food stamps. We were having a long boring wait, when in waltzed this little colorful ball of fur. I jumped up & went after her. I followed her into a room which I learned later was a women's restroom, luckily unoccupied at the time. I held her for the rest of our wait & two children came around wanting to pet her. I had mixed feelins; part of me thot it was cute & sweet, but another part felt like telling them 'git yer grubby paw of my new kitten!' (See a part of me was scared they would hurt her. Kids can sometimes be a tad rough. Anyway, her coming really lit up my life. Trouble is, I hate to be away from her so much. All morning we worked at the food bank, then my wife wanted to come to the library to do some research for her horticulture class ( she's studying trees & how to identify them). So I put Sweety back in the back bedroom & closed the door. I'm really protective of her! But she seems to little & helpless, just a little ball of fur with a spark of life. And she is so affectionate. Precious can be fairly standoffish. She likes to be stroked, but usually demands that I get down in the floor with her to do it. She is long past the time she would crawl all over me & curl up on my chest & purr. I still love her, tho must admit being a tad disappointed in her at times. So it makes me sad to see her looking so jealous. But hope it's all going to work itself out eventually.

Yes, it's odd, tho I loved my parents, I never had any inclination to grieve in public for them. Well, one thing about poor Whitey, I was taking him to his death & signed the paper. I felt guilty in a BIG way for that at first, even tho I knew I was doing it to end his misery. He was SO depressed at being forced to say indoors & I was too for having to make him. And he was starting to scratch big sores in his hide. I would try dabbing mercurochrone on them. It hurt to see his beautiful pelt so marred. As I think about him, a wave of longing comes upon me, wanting so badly to have him back, but only if he could be well & happy again. He was such a sweet cat! I'm getting misty again & I'm in a public library! Oh, well. Maybe we'll be together again someday. Not a common thing for a Jehovah's Witness to say, I guess. But I'm not baptized, & I sometimes think I never will be. I like a lot of their teachings, but not all of them. They do seem to be biblically based, but..... I don't know. Not important now.

Maybe if I had replied in more depth to the earlier posters they might have been more inclined to write more. I really appreciated all of them. I appreciate all of your kind feed back, Patti, very much.

There is still some worry that Precious coudld have caught Whitey's FIV, for they did touch noses one time when my back was turned, & I thot Precious was nowhere near. But we hope not. We'll have her tested again in a few months. Surre hope our financial situation improves by then. Still have about $200 .00 debt on poor Whitey on one of the credit cards! I guess, we should have had him put to sleep sooner. But I had hoped he could have a happy life inside. There were times I'd sit & hold him in my lap for hours. He seemed content to just lay there. If I stroked him He would make an objecting sound, so I'd quit & just hold him.

I'm sorry Patti, but the bulk of the above post was really in answer to Cheri, immediately above mine. For some weird reason, I thot you had written me again. Was at the library & not paying too much attention. Sorry for the goof! You have been a wonderful friend for which I am most grateful. I appreciate all the comforting words from each one who has posted here & have written all of you personal messages. I love you & may God bless you all!

Can't believe that nobody has written me in so long! I am quite disappointed! I wrote everyone here a personal message, but none have replied. Have I somehow offended everyone? I am very puzzled. We still miss Whitie very much & I guess our lives will never be quite the same, even tho the coming of Sweety has taken some of the sting out of his loss. Right now, my wife & I are suffering from poor health & financial hardships. This has been as VERY bad year for us, I think the worst we've had since we've been together, nearing 25 years now.

I am glad that you have found Sweety. She probably needs you very much, just as Whitie did. Whitie had a great life with you, albeit short, and she knew love. That is ultimately what counts. I am sorry for your loss.

As for people not writing you back, sometimes I didn't receive my messages until much later. I doubt if they are slighting you deliberately, so it might be that your messages didn't arrive, or they haven't written back yet.

Hi Billy,
I am sorry that your post still hasn't received more replies. The problem is, I think, that sometimes there are so many posts and sometimes if your post isn't at the front/beginning, it just doesn't get seen. I am sure no one here would intentionally hurt your feelings or ignore your post. I know that. You know, I remember seeing some of your posts in the past but at the time, I really was not posting much on the site or coming to the site much. I was just trying to help myself heal. It's so painful to read all about the sadness here. It just brings it all back, you know what I mean.
I feel really bad when I just don't have the strength to reply, but sometimes I just can't because my pain is too great. I know that sounds selfish, but sometimes I just feel incapable of getting up in the morning. I know you and your wife have probably felt the same.

Please don't be upset with the people here. Everyone here is hurting so much, as you are too. Post again okay -- in a new post. That way it should be seen.

Take care. I'm glad Sweety has helped ease some of your pain, and I wish you and your wife the very best.
Marcia

Dear DeeDee & Marcia,

Thanks for your posts! Yes, we are really happy to have found Sweety! She is great! I still look for Whitie tho. I guess we get used to them being around & a great emptiness is there. Also, I had a big fight with guilt over having put him to death. Even tho I know I did what I did for his own good, I still hated myself for taking that drastic step. But I believe I have finally forgiven myself & have asked his spirit to forgive me too. The JWs, whom we are affiliated with somewhat, do not accept animal spirits in their doctrine, so no comfort there, tho our home-teacher's recently had to put down a big dog they'd had for 17 years. Wish Whitie could've stayed with us even half that long. Alas. Well, we know life has it's sadnesses. We lost both our human babies, one being a miscarriage. I've lost both parents & my wife her father. Now her mother is fighting against cancer. Now we both are have health problems of our own. In fact, I am getting ready for another colonoscopy, to be on Thursday. Have been having bad pains in my back & side & groin, but an x-ray ruled out kidney stones, which I had a lot of symptoms of. So now I'm baffled & frustrated & still in pain!

Marcia, I'm not really mad at anyone, just disappointed, like I said. But life has it's disappointments & this year has sure had more than it's share. I sure know there is lots of grief & pain here & I've tried to offer comfort a time or so. Wife just told me to look behind me. I did & little Sweety is napping on the bookshelf behind me, the one my late father built. Well, he built all in the room, but this one was really fancy with glass doors.

Well, my thanks to both of you for your kind words. May God bless you both, as I sure wish he do for us. He did give us Sweety, but I sure wish he'd bless a little more. Well, nobody ever promised us a rose garden.

Billy,
You have really been through and are still going through an awful lot. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope all goes well and that you get better soon.

I am happy that you have been able to come to terms with the euthanasia -- I am still battling with myself over that. It's so very hard. I know all of our babies forgive us. They know we loved them and only did what we did so they would not suffer. We loved them so much.

Billy, I know what you mean about some of the religions not being very helpful in this great time of need. I just have to believe -- and I do believe that God loves the little animals He created and he knew how much we would love them too! I cannot imagine that it would be Heaven without our precious babies. I think most people do admit that the Bible doesn't tell us everything -- God didn't tell us everything, and this is just one thing that wasn't mentioned -- that our little companion animals go to Heaven too!

I know you have been a comfort to lots of people here, Billy. It helped me just now reading your post, particularly about where you've been able forgive yourself and that you've asked Whitey's spirit to forgive you too. You and your wife sound like such wonderful, loving caring people, and I am very glad we got to "talk" to each other. Thank you and take care, Billy.
Love,
Marcia

Hi Billy,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of Whitey. I took a break from LS for a couple of weeks and I guess that's about the time you posted. My first visit here was on around the 24th of August and there weren't really many posts on any given day. Lately there have been so many posts, sometimes several in one day and it is difficult at times to respond to all of them. I do read all of them even if I don't have the time to respond.

There are many great people here Billy and I certainly hope you'll find the comfort you need here. I'm so glad to hear Sweety has come into your lives. I know she'll have a wonderful home with the two of you and hopefully having her will help to ease the pain of losing your beloved Whitey.

Please continue to come here and talk as much as you need to. We're all here to help each other.

__Jim

Hi Billy,

I'm so glad that Sweety has been there to give you times of laughter again. I know exactly what that feels like. We still have our loving Danny with us, and even though we grieve our precious Rachael, Danny will come up and lay his head in our laps and just snuggle. He'll do silly things in the yard that make us laugh. It may not take away our grief, but it helps to give us "breaks" in the pain. I am very thankful for Danny, as you must be to have adopted Sweety into your home and family!

I think I have mentioned in here before that I battle with issues of religion and my Rachael. I am told constantly by church members that animals don't have a soul, and therefore they do not go to Heaven. Like Marcia stated (which brought instant tears to my eyes!), if God created these beautiful trusting and loyal creatures, how could they be left out when they pass from this life?! I just CAN'T imagine thinking that my loyal, devoted, trusting and 100% loving little Rachael would have no peaceful resting place to go to. I really took to heart what Marcia said about not telling ALL in the Bible or knowing ALL from God. It really would NOT be a Heaven for me without my furdogs!

Like Jim, I too had to take a break from here for a while. There are days I feel really strong again, and I read all the new postings and answer when I think I can add something helpful or encouraging. However, I started having those really bad days again, when the pain was too intense. The stories in here just had me crying ALL the time, and I found I couldn't handle reading and posting at that time. So, please continue to come here and share. I'm sure there are others as well that may need some time away temporarily, but we all usually come back

Take care of yourself and enjoy each blessed day with your new Sweety!
Cheri

Yes, Sweetyis a real joy & has helped us a lot. But recently the pain of losing Whitie has come back on me. I cried some this morning, & last night. I think I have forgiven myself for doing what really had to be done, tho I still feel sad about it. But the pain of missing him has returned. For awhile, it didn't hurt to remember all the things he used to do. Now it is hurting again. Others have pointed out that it comes & goes. For one thing, today I was looking for a marker for his grave in a Harriet Carter catalogue, then I staerted to cry, couldn't speak without my voice breaking. Now my nose & eyes are running as I type, so will have to bring this to a close for now. Many thanks & much love to all who have posted, & God bless you all too!!!!

Hi Billy
I wanted to write to you sooner but I have been spending all my time with my Snookie girl who has been so sick but I think she is going to make it. It is so nice that there are people in this world who take in the strays. My daughter has done the same thing she took in 5 cats. I do babysit them but am glad she has her own home or my house would soon be over run between all 4 of my children's fur babies. I so miss little Chili Bean as she almost lived at my house, well at least 2 weeks here and 2 weeks at my son's house. My husband cried for Chili Bean too and he doesn't let his feelings of grief show to often in all the 30 years we have been married. Give your wife a hug from me.
Ann

Good to hear from you Ann! I hope things are going better for you about Chilibean! She sure was a cutie. I would post a photo of my Whitie, but that is a tick I haven't learned yet. Maybe in time. I jst got into computers the first of this year. I used to really be paranoid about them. Yesterday, I had a colonoscopy & a large polyp was found & removed, thank goodness!!! This morning, I had to go back to have an CAT scan done to try to find out what has been causing me such intense pains in my back, side, rump & groin for over a week now. My poor wife too has been having health troubles, bellyache & diarhea for about 2 months & now some knee trouble. Her mother is suffering thru her 3rd round of chemo treatments. I sure hope I don't have any cancer! This has really been a rough year for us!!! I miss being able to help out at the food bank, We used to do volunteer work there a couple of days a week. But we haven't even felt like going to the Kingdom Hall lately. The year is nearly over, & we hope that 2005 will be an improvement. Of course, I think the worse blow was losing poor Whitie!!! He could be a nuisance at times, but so can human kids, & I always loved him despite any annoying behaviour he might manifest. The worst was his habit of pawing at the window screen in the middle of the night & waking us up. Now I find myself listening for him & wishing I could hear him there again. Normally I'm not a very emotional person, but his death hit me real hard. For only to have him not quite 3 years, he really has left a big hole in my life. Sweety cannot quite fill it, but she does help. She seems to like my wife better than me, but she gives me purring affection too. Whitie was my cat, & Kathy used to feel a little jealous. He liked to tease her. He would go to just out of reach & sit looking at her, as if to say "you come to me". When we'd go off & come home, he'd be either waiting for us, or come shortly after. He never was one to run much. He was a pokey cat. I rarely saw him really run. But he was a hunter, so he must've saved his exertions for night. Often I'd find one of his kills on the doormat when I'd look out of a morning, like he was presenting us with a gift. I was glad when he would eliminate another mole from our yard, as they have been a problem. Poor Whitie was sure a blessing to us!!! Well, I'll go for now. Friends, please keep writing me! It helps to hear from you all. Thanks & God bless!!!

Hi Billy I do hope all will be well with you when the test comes back. Maybe this will be a better year for you, your wife, and her mother. I use Digital Studio to make my pictures small enough, after I crop them I save them to a disk I put them on here from the A drive. Maybe you could try it that way. I'm so glad you have Sweetie and she helps fill the hole in your heart. We are not cryiing as often over Chili Bean but we miss her so much.
Ann

Well, this year is nearly over. My wife & I have both been very sick & our finances have been the pits. In fact, now she is trying to get on disability, because her knees are sooo bad now. She is having stomach trouble & may have an ulcer, but has no medical insurance to get it seen about. I had a colonoscopy in November in which a precancerous polyp was found & removed. This month, I had my appenidix removed & a tumor taken out of my back. But with all the bad that has been dumped on us, the worst was the loss of poor Whitie, who was truly my best friend. True, things did not always go smoothly between us, but we always made up. I loved him dearly & believe he returned it as strongly. After some respite, my terrible grief has come back on me really strong & hard! I feel like a real baby, like I must be in my 2nd childhood. Also this year, my mother-in-law has had a VERY hard time with her chemo treatments, & has been weakened very much. She even had to be hospitalized for about a week this month. We missed putting up an X-mas tree with year, due to our contacts with the JWs, which I fear have not helped matters, but more likely made them worse. It was the JWs who kept after me to have Whitie euthanized, & tho I feel they may have been right, it was a hard thing to do & so has not helped to indear them to me. I guess it was the poor boy's time to go & release from his suffering was the best thing for him. Yet mine continues & my wife's too to some extent. Was it a blessing or a curse to become so atttached to a little animal who just insisted on having his freedom & living dangerously??? At least I was spared the pain of finding his crushed & mangled body in the street, victim of an automobile. Or maybe that would have been easier? I don't know. I always feared that. I hope the new year will be a better one for us. This one has been sheer hell. I appreciate all the kind words of support that have been given to me by other grieving pet owners, & I say God bless you all. Too bad none of these icons show the tears falling that are mine. This one will have to do, to express the way I feel:

For so many of us this our first Christmas without our furbabies and it's so very hard. I can relate to how sad you're feeling about Whitie.

I'm also sorry to hear about all your health and financial problems. Perhaps the New Year will be better.

Kathleen

Hi Billy,
I have been thinking about ya'll and wondered how you are, with the holidays and all. I know it's been quite awhile since you've been here on the site.

I'm sorry to hear that things are still pretty tough for you and your family and that you are still missing Whitey so much. It hurts so much and it's such a loss that it often takes a lot more time than we anticipated. The holidays brought sadness to most of us here, it being the first Christmas for many of us without our "kids,"so we all understand how you feel. And Billy, my thoughts on your question -- it is a blessing to share our lives and our love with our little "companion animals" -- a gift from God, in my opinion to know such love. Don't you think? Even though we know we will most likely outlive them, we would endure the pain again because they were such a precious part of us and our lives.

I hope and pray you and all of us have a much better year in 2005! Please give my regards to your wife.
Love,
Marcia

Hi Billy I hope you and your wife and mother in law will be on the road to recovery. I have lost my little Snookie, she passed away Sunday Dec. 26 and I am so heartbroken but I wanted you to know I have been thinking about you and your wife.
Ann

First, let me stay thank you to all who responded to my latest post & all the kind words & support. But... something is wrong. I am supposed to be receiving email notification when someone replies to me, & it has not been happening. In fact, I think there are several here from my last post in November I wasn't notified about. I've checked it twice & both times it said I'm already a subscriber to this thread. Soooo.... does anyone know why I'm not getting said notification by email?

Ann, I am sure sorry for your loss of Snooky!!!! I shed some new tears on Snooky's behalf for you! God bless you in your time of loss. I was a very young man when last I had a dog, or so it seems. I guess my little Peke Susie died when I was in my 20s, & I just balled while digging her grave & burrying her. I still can feel the terrible pangs of loss, & I'm now 54. Whitie was the first real pet Kathy & I have had since getting married nearly 25 years ago. Before him, there was a stray cat that took up & we fed. But we did not have much fondness for her, as she was bad tempered. I called her Spooky & she was. She once bit me deep for no apparent reason & sent me to the ER for a tetanus shot! Another time, she lashed out & scratched Kathy badly, just for speaking to her. After that, we didn't feed her for awhile. But her begging got to me & I talked Kathy into resuming her chow. But when poor scrawny little Whitie showed up, that was love at first sight, & now that love is causing me great pain & an ocean of tears. Sweety, our new foundling, is a dear, but can't touch Whitie, tho she has some of his ways, including the unpleasant one of flatulence. Phew, but she can let some stinkies! Our other cat, Precious, is almost as neurotic as Spooky was. We raised her from a kitten. A lady advertized in the paper looking for homes for kittens, so we went & got her. It took a long time for her to settle down in her new home. Whitie was a long time accepting the little newcomer. But it was his insistence on roaming that led us to get her. He just wouldn't hang around on a regular basis. I used to call him "Wandering Boy". After falling in love with him, we needed an indoor cat to keep us company. Alas, Precious turned out not to be too much company, especially after being spayed. The vet must have really hurt or scared her to so traumatize her. We still love her tho. Oddly, she warmed up to Sweety in only a couple of days.

Well, this is getting looooooonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg, so I'd better stop for now.

Bless you Billyc! You and your wife are very kind hearted people. I wish there were more people in this world like you. You rescued your little whitie and gave him love and happiness for the remainder of his life. Many stray cats do not get the opportunity to be rescued and loved the way you loved whitie. He was very special !

Yes, Kimberly, he was indeed very special to us, & we sure wish he could've stayed with us longer. God bless you. So far, 2005 has started off worse than it's predecessor. We are having a real struggle this month. Seems like the JWs have turned against us too, or one in particular anyway. Well, all for now, except I still seem not to be getting notification when someone replies, tho so far it's just you Kimberly. Thanks again for your very sweet note. billyc

Thank You Billyc! I wish the best for you and your family for the New Year! Maybe another little stray will come into your heart like whitie did. I know I have rescued many a stray in my life. I had 11 cats at one time in my home.. I am getting to the point in my life where that would be to many for me now. I have 5 cats now and they range from 16 yrs old down to 1 1/2 yrs old. Bubba was my very special cat along with his mother, she is the 16 year old. I will always have cats in my life. Thank you for the kind words, and keep us posted!

Kim

We have 2 cats now. One we got before Whitey got sick, quite awhile before in fact, because he was so wayward & would not stay indoors with us much. She turned out very neurotic after we had had have her spayed. Poor "Precious" is a very nervous & insecure cat even after all this time. Not long after we lost Whitey (that is had to have him put to sleep) another stray did come into our lives. I named her Sweety, because a girl who works for the vet used to always tell us that Whitey was "a sweety". She is a calico cat, not full grown & already coming in heat. The poor dear is so so miserable, but we can't afford to have her fixed. And of course we pray that when we do that she don't turn out weird like her big sis, Precious. But I miss Whitey BIG TIME, & am beginning to wonder if I always will. It doesn't always hurt real bad. Sometimes it just feels like an emptiness, & that is almost worse than the pain. I think I've gotten over the guilt some, of having to sign the paper to euthanize my dear dear friend. And now a tear comes. Ah, Whitey, I miss you SO. And I hope you are waiting for me at some rainbow bridge somewhere. I want to see you again, my little "wandering boy!"

Dear Billy,

You'll always have a special place for Whitie in your heart...and you'll always miss him. I lost a dear kitty 10 years ago...she was 16 when I had to have her put to sleep, although I don't hurt over her like I did in the beginning, I still miss her and think of her often.

Take care,
Kathleen

Thanks, Kathleen!

Hello!

I have often wondered how you have been doing. I remember when Sweety found you
I'm sure you will always miss your sweet boy, Whitey. We can all only hope that the pain won't be as intense over the years. However, how lucky we all are to have experienced such unconditional and sincere love from a furbaby! So many go through life without ever experiencing such joy. Unfortunately, when we love these precious creatures, we know we taking that risk. They just don't live as long as we do.

I'm so happy to hear that you and your wife have still given your heart to another deserving kitty

Take care of yourself and God Bless you!
Cheri

Thanks, Cheri. We really aren't doing too well just now. Kathy seems to have some serious health problems & I'm seriously worried about her. We both adore little Sweety. I don't know if Kathy is still hurting over Whitey or not (she hasn't said) but I know I am missing him a lot. I finally had to take the flower & the 2 cinderblocks off his grave, as every time I looked over that way it felt like something was ripping out my heart. And I still feel that terrible feeling at times. Here I've been trying to say a few words of cheer to a few others & feel like I'm failing miserably at it, for how can I cheer someone else when I'm so lacking in cheer? I sometimes think that in this life we must pay for every little bit of joy & happiness with an unequally large amount of grief & sorrow. I hope I am wrong, but tonight I feel not too optimistic. Love you & the others for trying to comfort this poor old grieving guy!!!!

I wanted to thank you and tell you I'm sorry for your loss. I was new to pets and didn't understand how bad it could be. They become your babies and the sudden loss breaks your heart to pieces. I've lost a lot of family and this pain was just as bad. I am very thankful to all the people and advice I got here, It's helping to know that you understand the pain. Thanks Patty

Dear billyc,
How do you do? I am new to LS as I found the site only recently. I lost my beloved little dog on Dec 28th.
I read your story and my heart breaks for all that you and your wife have suffered over the past year.
Please know you are now in my prayers.
Sincerly,
Fran

Dear Billy
I have read your story today and can see that you and your wife have been through so much this year as well as losing your dear and previous Whitey. What a very special little boy he was. How wonderful you were to take him in and give him so much love and caring. You did all you could for him and at least you have the knowledge that he felt loved and secure in a happy home during his time with you. He was lucky to have you to care for him ... nobody could have done more.

I hope your little Sweety brings you much happiness ... a new little life to care for always warms the heart and brings a smile to our lips no matter how much we are still hurting inside.

My thoughts are with you
with love
jilly

Dear jilly, Fran & pjlpjl7,

Thank you so much for posting! I always appreciate hearing from people & sharing memories of our loved pets, tho sometimes the memories do hurt a bit. I was telling my wife yesterday that I would have gladly given one of my arms if I could have given Whitie a little more life. Life has knocked us about pretty hard in the past year, but the worst blow was having to lose Whitey. And I have so struggled with awful guilt over having to get him euthanized, but I keep thinking of the little smile on his sweet face & that helps some. It was like he was trying to tell me that I did the right thing. But, right or not, that sure won't stop me missing my little friend. And Sweety won't either, tho I love her dearly. She is laying under my chair. I have tried to comfort her in her suffering, as her heat is making her miserable, but there is little I can do. We need to have her fixed, but financially we're at low ebb. Cir%%stances caused my SS check to drop drastically this month. It goes back up next month, but alas my poor wife has gotten to where she cannot work; her knees have gone bad. So I don't know when we'll be able to get poor Sweety spayed. And when we do, I hope it doesn't mess her up as bad as it did poor Precious. She has become nervous & neurotic & not very trusting as a result. I don't know if she was hurt or mistreated at the vets, or what. But she is just not the sweet loving kitty she used to be, & I really regret that. For awhile, after we lost Whitey, it seemed like she might come back to her old self. But she is back to being neurotic again. Of course, we really love her & strive to make her happy.

Dear BillyC. I was wondering how you and your wife were doing I am glad to see you post. There are many place that have low cost spaying for those that are on limited income. We have a few places that spay kitties for around $35. Maybe you could type in low cost spaying and the name of your city and see if there are any in your area. The spaying never altered any of my children's kitties.

There was one that was a calico and she was neurotic before she was ever spayed. She wanted nothing to do with people and acted like everyone was out to get her. She eventually darted out the door and was never seen or heard from again.

It has been 4 weeks today since I lost my little Snookie and Chili Bean has been gone for 10 weeks. It' s been so hard losing our little girls and so close together has just been devastating. Our family is on the brink of tears all the time but we keep telling ourselves they are free from pain and somehow we carry on.
Ann

Dear Billy,

I just got through reading many of your posts about losing your beloved Whitie. I am sorry for your loss. It is wonderful that you have found another kitty to love.

I was going to suggest as Ann did, that you look for an "animal-rights" group in your area. There is a great group where I live that offers help to people on limited incomes. They supplement part or all of the cost of spay/neuter services (depending on your cir%%stances). There must be a place like that near you.

Thinking of you and your wife and wishing you a healthy 2005.

Sincerely,
Lynn

Hello Billy

Your bond with Whitey was so special. I can relate totally to what you say about you would give one of your arms to have given him a bit more time. I uttered very similar words when my little Ellie was struck by the car. I said I would rather live the rest of my life without my right arm than live it without my Ellie. I know the strength of feeling that you have for the loss of your dear Whitey and you have my thoughts and prayers.

It is so sad to hear what happened to Precious after she was spayed. I have heard very occasionally of it occuring and changing their nature and personality, but never knew anyone personally who had that experience. I believe when it happens it is more a hormonal problem rather than anything to do with the operation or how they were treated during the operation. How very very sad that it has had such a bad effect on her when she was such a sweet loving little kitty.

You have had so much misfortune with your animals Billy, and you have always been so caring and loving towards them, it seems their's no justice in the world sometimes.

With love
jilly

Today I walked out to Whitie's grave & I talked to him. I know he's not in that grave. His body was. I HOPE there's a spirit. I actually saw a spirit cat a few times many years ago, so how can I doubt? Yet doubts have haunted me nearly my whole life. After I talked to Whitie's soul & told him that I love him & how I long to be with him again someday, I walked over to the driveway & prayed. I begged God to PLEASE heal my broken heart! I could not call him Jehovah, after our dealings with the Witness cult, so I tried using the old name Yahweh, one which Kathy & I used to use many years ago. I wish I could have more faith that prayer will be answered, just as I wish fervently that I had faith to believe Whitie would be with me again in the next life. But I feel like a spiritually bankrupt man. Yesterday morning, I wrote another entry in my little "Life Without Whitie" journal. I've only written in it a few times. I had hoped to write in it more. Maybe if I did it might help my grief, or then again it might make it worse. It never fails to make me weep, just as posting here & thinking of my little lost boy. Life isn't fair, but we were never promised a rose garden. Maybe all the hurts are lessons that we must learn something from. I don't know what I'm supposed to learn. I keep thinking of Whitie's beautiful blue eyes, like my wife's, & mine fill up with tears & overflow. Got to go again. Sorry!

Hi Billy,
I'm awfully sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. Have you thought about going to a different church? I know your faith is still there, but has been shaken by all you've been through and the lack of support.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Marcia

I'm sorry that you're still feeling so sad. I'm very sad right now, too. I miss Zen so much...

It's awful that you've had such a bad time with religion. Like Hannah's mom said, maybe it's time to find a new church. Or perhaps you can worship in your own way. I'm an agnostic, but although I'm not a firm believer, this is what I think about God... God doesn't mind what name you call him by. God thinks it's OK for you to search around, trying to figure out what and how you believe. God forgives "mistakes", because they aren't so much mistakes, but wrong turns on the road of life. God appreciates all our efforts to learn, seek, and understand.

I think the only thing God would be seriously peeved off about would be cruelty, selfishness and deceit, things that hurt other people (or animals.)

If I ever come to be a true believer, I know God will metaphorically pat me on the head and say something like, "Took you long enough," and that'll be that.

Every time I look at a cat, I see the divine. That's religion enough for me.

I very much hope you find peace.

Kate

Billy- I have seen your postings about Whitie before and I am sorry for your loss. I can tell what a special boy Whitie must have been to affect you in such a profound way. The bond that you had (and have) with Whitie can never be lessened ordiminished by any religion or anything that anybody says. I hope to think that I will see my dear Lucy in the afterlife. I don't know it to be true, but I hope it to be true. I think it is wonderful that you visit his grave. He was proud to be your kitty I'm sure.

Fondly, Caroline

Caroline, Kate & Marcia,

Thank you all so much for your thots & comforting words! My wife & I have gone to the Church of Christ a few times, but we find it real hard to get up & out on a Sunday morning. I guess we are lazy! None of the churches or sects have anything much to say about an afterlife for pets. Right now I am reading a book called "A Wanderer In The Spirit Lands" that tells of the adventures of a spirit after leaving earth-life (by death). So far, it hasn't mentioned any animals yet except to say that there is no animal food for spirits to eat, & some of the lower spirits return to the earth in order to soak up the fumes of animal flesh cooking or obsess some mortal & enjoy their meal vicariously (something like that anyway). A simular book I read long ago called "Letters From the Other Side" mentioned someone encountering a spirit dog in the afterlife. I myself was once visited several times by a spirit cat, when I was a young man & still living with my parents. When I told them about it, they gave each other a worried look, like 'uh-oh, the boy is round the bend'. But, of course, what else could they think? Most people never say anything so peculiar. Right now, I sure wish little Whitey could pay me a visit to comfort me. I have dreamed of him a few times. But still miss him dreadfully. Some days it is worse than others. Yes, I am really suffering with the loss of my dear friend. I guess one big reason is that in my life I have had so few human friends. Right now, my wife is the only one, especially since we parted with the JWs. I think they would still love to convert us, but we feel great disappointment in them. Kate, was it you who said you were an agnostic? My wife & I have been in that camp a good many years. Not the most comfortable place, at least not for me. (I think my wife prefers it over all the brainwashing churches, but as for me - I feel something missing from my life.) Whitey, of course, is missing now. I wish God would answer my prayer, but I guess I don't have enuf faith. The bible says, "Without faith it is impossible to please him." Luv, billyc