Hi,
I am new today to this forum! I did not know what else to do other than search the internet looking for some type of support to help me get through what I can describe as the worst form of guilt I have ever felt. My cat Bootsie died this past Sunday in my arms on the way to the vets clinic. Bootsie was 12 years old and what I thought was excellent health up until Sat. afternoon. She ate well, was a "very" active indoor cat who was so smart and she was my best friend. On Sat. morning she ate at 9:30am. She then went to sleep as she normally does(she had a very regular schedule). She woke up and I hear her throwing up. I ran to watch over her to tell her it was ok. In the past she has got sick periodically(hairballs) but after she would vomit she would be fine and how I knew this is within 5 minutes she would be sitting in front of me staring me down(with those piercing eyes of her) and she was telling me-mom I am hungry my stomach is empty and that dry cereal Ijust threw up just isn't cutting it. This time was different. She didn't come and stare me down-in fact she continued to throw up every 15 minutes or so and after a a while it turned to white bile. I live in rural arkansas and we do not have a weekend clinic/hospital that is open on weekends....but I knew my vet(he and his wife are a team) would allow a call at home even tho I had never had to do it before because up until now she never had a problem in 12 years. We even had her tested for all the feline diseases early on, etc. I called the dr. at 8:30pm to fill him in because my main concern was that at 8:20 she was sitting after vomitting and she lost control of her bowels and it was not like her EVER. She didn't even flinch. I thought possibly food poisoning from the can food and thats why I called him. He assured me he didn't think it was that and asked if she could have gotten into anything else. Of course I could not think of anything. I thought maybe a hairball as one other time she didn't seem well(I thought she had worms once) because she begged for food ALL the time(she weighed 12 lbs). We got her in the car that time and she threw up a big hairball on the way to vet and after that she was fine. I tried to give her hairball remedy as normally she would eat it like nothing...she loved food and was not finicky. Once in a while she would turn her head to a can of fancy feast and I would just throw it out because I knew bootsie was smart and could and would detect if it was tainted or bad. The vet told me if the vomitting continued to call him and he would meet me out at the clinic because of her age he thought she could become dehydrated fast as she was not eating or drinking(which was not like her AT ALL). This is where I am so angry to the point of almost feeling like I cannot and will never be able to forgive myself. He told to watch her, in fact he asked me to look at her eyes to see if they were moving side to side(they were not), he also asked me to get her out from under the bed(a place she barely ever went because she was not even afraid of storms)-I did pull her out and he asked me to watch her walk to see if she were walked to one side only...she wasn't but I told him she was so weak and walking slow and she walked around to the side of my bed and jumped up on her scratch pad and up onto the bed where she "normally" would sleep by my feet. He said that was a good sign. Well, I hung up phone and decided I was staying up with her all night to watch her and let her know I was there for her as she has been there for me all these years and when I would cry she would come sit on my lap. She went under the bed not to long after I hung up phone and thats where she stayed. She would cry out every now and then in pain and I'd go lay down by bed by her and she'd let me pet stroke her forhead and nose area...I could not get her to drink but left the bowl right there...she just wasn't leaving under the bed. I smelt the odor from her bowel movement and new she had not cleaned herself(again not like hers he always groomed herself so well)-I figured because she was weak and the dr. was probably right it was some bacteria in stomach. And, being she stopped throwing up I just waited. I waited to long and I hate myself right now for even saying this but I am trying to understand why I didn't call him back because of her cries out but she was laying on her side finally resting and Ifigured it was stomach pain and that was her way of getting through it. I was soooooooo wrong. I layed up on bed talking to her and back and forth petting her and at 2:30am I heard a noise and looked down quickly and I saw what I consider her having a seizure....my God I can't get that image out of my head, she was gasping for air-I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable here but I didn't know what to do-I just reached down and tried to gently hold her and tell her I was there and it was ok and I jumped up to get my husband awake from other end of house and told him to quickly wake up and call the vet. He was startled so I told him to stay with her and I hit redial and what felt like eternity(probably 30 sec.) he answered and I told him something is going terribly wrong and described it and said you have to get to the clinic please I can't have her suffer like this...he said yes...I will be there and remember we live in country and its dark(no city lights)-but I wrapped her in her blanket(me and my husband) I picked her up and we ran to car and I told her I was there and that I loved her and that she was and is so brave. She wasn't struggling from the time I put her in her blanket in my arms-her body was shutting down. My husband thought a stroke but I knew better. I knew she was dying in my arms. It wasn't 3 minutes into our 10 min. drive to clinic when I said to Dan she is gone. Dan said don't say that you don't know that and I said I do know that-a mom knows. I talked to her and kissed her and petted her and I knew she was gone. when we got to clinic the dr. arrived at same time and had to open door and Dan said we think she has passed and he said oh no, I don't know what could have happened that fast. He examined her and said yes I am sorry she is gone. The only thing he could think of is that she had twisted bowel as he said her bowels felt hard as he examined her and he didn't see anything from the stool sample he took. I don't know what happened-but what I do know is my guilt of what I didn't do. Everyone is telling me I am not God, I did my best, I called the vet earlier-that I listened to him. I just don't know why I didn't insist he meet me there caus he did say if she continued vomitting he would meet me out there and he would put an IV in her to avoid dehydration. Well, stupid me thought she stopped vomitting so of course she was going to be ok! How can I ever forgive myself. I miss her so much. I know she is in heaven with my mom and my dad and now she isn't in pain but I feel "I" caused her to suffer unecessarily when she didn't need to. Even if I took her out and he maybe took an Xray he could have done something or maybe nothing could have been done(I will never know) but what I do know is I wish I could have got her there before she suffered-I preach to to others about not letting a pet suffer and that at least we have in this country the choice to help our loved ones(pets) to make sure they don't suffer. I just had to post this at hopes that maybe someone could give me clarity or something. My husband is so loving and caring and we have another cat who is 11(she is close to Dan)-Niki and bootsie was my cat(a one owner cat have you). I can only pray and know she is with my mom loving her and mom loving Bootsie. Thanks for this forum-I feel like others think I am "crazy" for loving my cats like they are my children-well, they are my children and I treated them like they were and yes, I tried to give them the best life and I believe I did. I just can't find a way to get those images of her last minutes with me and the sounds out of my head & heart! God help me!

Hi, My Boo Bootsie, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bootsie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

MBB, this grief journey is filled with many different emotions sometimes overwhelming us all at one time. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds that it can leave us seriously wondering if there is any way through - - or out - - of it. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately guilt is one of the emotions we experience, and it is one of the hardest to reconcile.

MBB, we are mere mortals. We do not possess the privilege of foreknowledge. We do not have x-ray eyes that can scan our companions' physical bodies in an effort to detect medical problems so that they can undergo treatment before the illness / injury becomes too far advanced. Our companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling. It is an inherited genetic trait from their wild cousins. Any sign of weakness, illness, injury makes them easy prey. Unfortunately this is of little comfort to us - - their caregivers. By the time they show obvious symptoms that they are not feeling well the illness / injury has already taken ahold of their bodies. Unless an autopsy was done on your beloved Bootsie there are many things that could have made her abdomen feel hard. But even autopsies can raise more questions than answers.

I am not a veterinarian or a vet tech, only a fellow guardian of furkids who has walked the grief journey you are now traveling. Please let me try to offer you reassurance that you did indeed do everything in your power to help and comfort your beloved Bootsie. It is very evident in what you share with us that you did everything in your power to give her a happy, healthy, safe earthly journey. None of us know the circumstances that will present our transition journey to the angels, and unfortunately, - - very heartbreakingly - - this is true also for our companions. I do know how traumatic the final days, hours, moments can be with our companions, and they can be very traumatic. The more traumatic the circumstances are, the more our memory gets "stuck" into replaying them. It's a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, and it is very real. The good news is that it does eventually ease, but it takes time for your mind and body to work through the deep grief. Please know that your beloved Bootsie is eternally grateful to you for everything you did for her during her earthly journey. The love bond we share with our companions is eternal - - it is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Bootsie wants you to hold onto the many treasured memories she shares with you. She wants you to know that her sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language right now that can soothe the seering pain of loss you are feeling. This grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. But I promise you, My Boo Bootsie, that one day when you least expect it you wil be thinking of your beloved Bootsie and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of your treasured memories of your beloved Bootsie and her sweet Living Spirit. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone - - each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

MBB, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Bootsie with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. My Boo Bootsie, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon Beam-thank you so much for your words of wisdom, love & concern. Its hard to see things when we are grieving but having others who have been through the lose of their beloved pet who get the true depth of our love for them means so much to me. I uploaded a picture of Bootsie(Bootsie Boo Boo I would call her at times)...she usually used this pose after playing "fetch". I taught her from a kitten to play with a sponge ball...yes I got down on all fours and put the little sponge ball in my mouth and would drop it in a bowl. She would watch me so intensly put it in, take it out...I'd toss it a little and I'd fetch and repeat. Well, it didn't take her but 15 minutes and she did it and the rest was history. She began dropping it at my feet all the time and I'd throw it throughout the house, she'd play with it sometimes, hide it but then bring it back to me and when tired she'd lay down in complete relaxation and safe mode. She made that sound some cats make when running to me with ball in her mouth and I miss that "noise" that I'd call it at times as it could get loud. Its so quiet without her. Her morning rituals with me waking me up at 4am to crawl under my covers and lay on my stomach to warm herself some and then we'd fall asleep awhile...these are my great memories along with so so many more that Iwill continue to share in the days ahead. One thing that is bringing me comfort is that we did take her for private cremation yesterday and will get her ashes on Thurs. or Fri. I just feel I need them with me. She would never go or attempt to go out a door and a few times when she did she was afraid and would hurry up and run back in....wierd for a baby girl that wasn't afraid of any loud noises or storms or anything like that. I could not even consider having her remains buried or dispursed outdoors-that did not seem natural to me, especially for her! We will put her in our own special urn we will get for her and place a few of her favorite little sponge ball toys she played with(her favorite ones) and put them with her. I will do my best to continue to forgive myself and try to understand that guilt is probably normal but its something that is very new to me because I try to live life with no regrets and of course I feel some regrets as I stated. But, God must have had his reasons. I actually thought of it today that "what if" we would have taken her to the clinic and he started an IV and placed her in a cage thinking she needed fluids til the clinic opened mon. morning where they would further evaluate her (and) what if she would have suffered there, alone without me and my husband and died without me? I don't like "what if's" but maybe like I said God knew what was best. I just need now to find that peace within myself so I can better cope and heal as Bootsie would want me to. She was so special in so many ways and because of her special traits and what she gave me and how she looked out for me I have to learn to forgive and rid myself of this guilt somehow in her memory. I also need to work through avoidance(like going out for my evening walks)...she would jump up in the window when I went out the door and sit in the window sill and watch me walk back and forth up & down our street here. I would wave to her and hollar out...Hi bootsie boo and she would just watch me and when done after about 30 minutes of those passes past the house she would see me and talk to me through the window and when I opened the door she would jump down and come to me. I called her my protector as she watched to make sure I was safe! I would tease my husband that she was more worried about me making it back safe that him(kidding of course) but thats what she did and I am so scared to face that emotion of not seeing her in that window that I have not walked since Friday.
AGain, thanks so much and I look forward to hearing from you again-your words really made me feel less alone in this grief of mine! The upload of picture would not load, it failed...I will work on getting one uploaded somehow!

Please allow me to offer my sincere sympathies on the loss of your beloved Bootsie. I am so sorry that you had to go through all this. It must have been so heartwrenching watching your little one be so sick and not being able to do much for her except hold her and comfort her. It sounds like she was seriously ill, and might not have improved even under timely veterinary care. Like moon_beam said, our feline companions are masters at hiding their pain until their disease is so advanced. It makes it harder not to have any answers, and right now your grief is still so fresh and raw. Please be especially kind to yourself, get adequate nutrition and rest.
I know what you are going through. My sweet Danny boy passed on two months ago, and I still miss him so.

My Bootsie is home today! Yes, she is in heaven with my mom probably eating her favorite treat which is icecream but we feel so happy to have her ashes here with us where we want her to be and mostly where I know she would want to be! It will be a long long road ahead in the days without her. Its hard to believe how quiet this house feels now. One day at a time, one prayer at a time-please say a prayer for My Niki cat who is just as lost wondering where Bootsie is!

Thanks-your sympathies are so appreciated and I am sorry to hear of your Danny Boy passing as well. They are in our hearts forever!

Hi, My Boo Bootsie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Getting our beloved companions ashes back can be very comforting, and I'm so glad you are finding this to be true.

When there other companions in the home they, too, grieve the physical absence of their housemate. It is important to keep a watch on your Niki to make sure she is still eating, drinking water, and taking care of her personal needs. In offering her comfort and special attention during this time of great sorrow will also give her the opportunity to comfort you.

Please do not feel the need to rush back into your routines during this time of deep grief, such as walking where you used to. It is okay to give yourself some time to ease back into your routines, or to change your routines. It's important for you to just focus on what you feel comfortable doing right now and not stress yourself on trying to do things that you think you "should be" doing.

Thank you, My Boo Bootsie, for sharing your beloved Bootsie with us. I hope today is being kind to you, and that you, your husband and your precious Niki will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bootsie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Here is my Bootsie Boo! Professionals state that when our kitties lay on back with their belly in the air they feel safe! This was what Bootsie did every time after playing fetch with her spongie balls(we called them her babies)-mouse play I am sure as she would put them under my dresser, under my shoe rack or any place that there was space for her to try and get it back out-she'd do this every other time between me throwing it and her returning it to me. Then when all her "babies" were where she could not reach them I would have to take a yard stick and get under the heavy furniture and get them back out just so she could start all over again. Her favorites where the "pink colored babies" for some reason-I say its because her nose was so pink, lol. And, then she had one that I called "ole yeller"- it was falling apart and dirty-she didn't want the new ones to play with much...mainly the yellers or pink babies, haha! I can't find her ole yeller yet. Its been very hard looking for them and finding them but I want to put her favorite pink & ole yeller to put in her urn with her ashes! All this is helping me(just to type and talk about it). I hope this resized photo of her uploads this time=if not I'll keep trying and later I would like to share a photo of her that I won a contest first place at the state fair photo contest and the first photogragh of her(close up of her face) that I sold. I belong to a photo club for a few years and while some were on display at our court house a woman called me asking if I would consider selling the 8 x 10 framed of Bootsie(I called it Cat vs. Camera) for her best friend who she said was a cat lover. I sold it to her. So, it feels good to know someone thought my Bootsie was beautiful enough to be purchased and hung on their wall(I know it looks good on my wall, lol). Thanks for asking me to upload a picture of my baby girl(its hard to look at her pictures but I am going to make sure I do it no matter how hard it is to do so). I would think that avoiding the sad feelings of missing her and knowing she is no longer with me physically is not good so I am going to do so and "feel my emotions" and continue to let them out and not hold them in. My mom always told me to do that(I lost my mom in 2007 to ovarian cancer & a brain tumor) and my mom always called bootsie her "grandkitty"...she loved her "grandkitties" as these are my only babies! Until the next time. I hope you think she is as beautiful as I do...her face actually is heart shaped(upside down) as you look at her...you'll see that in the next picture I post. Appreciation from Bootsies mamma!

Hi Moon Beam,
I was able to finally figure out how to resize one of her pictures! I also resized one for my display image. I am so happy you suggested me doing so. Your suggestions and thoughts help so much. Its strange how our loved ones know we are hurting(other than my husband) but all they say is I'm sorry for your loss and I know this is hard. What is harder for me is the ones that I communicate with on facebook(I live 800 miles from my family in a different state) and I know they care-but the ones who have not lost their pet yet I don't know that they know just what to say...so in finding this site it helps me to go outside of their support where I feel there are others out there who "get it fully". And, most importantly they understand it is completely normal to love our special feline companions just as if they are our children! TAke care and God Bless!

Hi, My Boo Bootsie, thank you so very much for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Bootsie with us. She is so pretty. I'm smiling at your treasured memories of her playing with her toys. I hope you are able to find her "ol' yeller" toy to put with her ashes.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Bootsie with us. I hope you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I dont think ur crazy im 23 had my cat casper since i was 6 and she was my child she was put to sleep last month due to a blood clot, I know she was in alot of pain because her tail and bac legs were paralzyed she didnt eat and didnt drink. On the way to the vet i knew she was in and out and was cryin knowin the vet was prolly gonna put her down its almost 2 months and i still cry i wish i can say something to comfort u but there is nothing at this time just know your not crazy

Thanks EvEf-Just when we think we are doing a little better the little things just make me remember and cry immediately! I have had so many losses lately and this winter was actually so nice and I thought wow, I feel so good right now finally and then this happened and boom it hit me like a big truck hit me. I am so sorry for your baby casper. Nothing prepares us for our grief....nothing. I am worried now about Niki...although her and Bootsie did not have alot of affection they played and chased one another and Niki is really noticing she is not present anymore. Niki was always with "daddy" my husband and bootsie was what we called "my cat", lol..Niki showed me affection but bootsie was here first and when Niki came in she new who was queen, lol. But, now niki is really following me around and staying near me(other than when I sleep as she never did...bootsie did). Niki is sleeping in her same window basket we have for her so that is good and she is eating & drinking and playing...I am trying so hard to play alot with her and talk to her and help her understand(how does one do that?). Like you said EvEf-nothing others say can really comfort us, but knowing there are those people like you and others here in this forum that listen and read and reply makes me feel not so alone in my grief and my sorrow. We need to get by one hour, one day at a time and pray that as the months and years pass the grief will lift. I went through the death of my parents, my best friend died last february but I was prepared for their deaths because they were terminal-this was so sudden and so unexpected and thats why I am having difficulty processing it all. I don't like night time right now(if that makes sense)? I prefer the days and I have my husband and Niki but its a very alone feeling at night because bootsie is not at the foot of my bed where she slept for 12 years or under my covers. Know I care EvEf and you are not alone either!

Hi there! I just wanted to drop a quick line to you to say that I can completely understand what you are going through right now. Like you, I lost my precious boy cat, Percy, 2 weeks ago today. I miss him terribly because he never failed to make me smile and always had lots of snuggles for me. Bootsie is such a pretty girl! I know that your Bootsie is happy right now and is enjoying spending time with your mom. As much as you miss your furbaby, know that she still lives on in your heart.

I know and can totally relate to how lonely and quiet your house feels. I have a surviving kitty, too, and she keeps calling out for Percy and looking for him. Someday we will all be together with our furbabies, where we will all continue our lives together forever and ever. For the time being, I know in my heart that your kitties are being watched over and taken care of.

Thank you so much gracelysprocket-Percy is a beautiful name, I love it. I know how you miss him terribly-it is so hard each time something reminds us of them. At times if feels almost unbearable and I have to keep reminding myself Niki needs me and Bootsie Boo would want me to go on and not be as sad as I am. I carried her on my lap(her ashes in the box they came in) all the way home yesterday-=it was a 30 minute ride home and I talked and cried with her the whole way and it brought me some comfort knowing she was on her way home. See, bootsie was a "traveling" cat-from a kitten she loved riding in our cars or trucks...we pulled a rv cross country when she was 1 yr. old and she did not want the cage so we decided if she liked it lets just let her sit on my lap, on dan's shoulder or she would even lay in windshield and loved when it would rain and she would lay on passenger side dash on her back and watch the blades go back and forth. We would stop for icecream and she would be right over to the window looking for the icecream...the employees were amazed and would call over their coworkers to say look a cat who likes riding in a car, omg! lol We'd go to the bank but wouldn't you know they di dnot have CAT snacks-only dog ones...I told them they needed to change that but I would get a cherry flavored lolly pop and she would get her few licks in...she loved creamsaver flavor(probably caus it tasted like icecream her favorite). I never gave her much for fear of diahrea or any problems but she would just lick those lips and stare like omg, that is the best, lol...it was so precious. I can't even bare bring myself to the freezer yet to have icecream because I can't give her a little taste! SAD! I will in time and I am going to have my feline friendly loved ones all have icecream in her honor when we are ready! For now, I will just try and get by one day at a time like all of you. I feel so much better finding this forum...its wierd...your posts are really encouraging! I thank you for that and I am sorry for all your losses as well. I will find the time to read your stories and maybe you all have pictures of your babies that I can see. Right now, its even hard to look at her picture but I try to do so because I don't want to avoid it but I can't do it for long. Take care and Blessings to all of you for your great hearts and compassion! God Speed!

Hi

I just wanted to add my sympathys at the loss of your Bootsie. I had to sadly but my cat Chewy down as he was attacked by a dog at the start of January and well it is the first time I have experienced depression so I know how you feel.

It made me smile to hear you mention that when they lay on their backs with their bellies in the air that feel safe....my Chewy use to do that all the time....I have loads of pictures of it so it is good to find out that he felt safe a lot so thank you

your Bootise was a gorgeous cat and definately looked like she felt safe and loved with you!

This will be a rollercoaster journey but this site is wonderful with so many caring people so you will feel comfort in coming here.

I hope you are being treated kindly today.

xxForeverxx

Hi, My Boo Bootsie, thank you for sharing with us how you're doing. It is normal to prefer the days to the nights, especially during the deep grief. During the day we have many distractions - - work, errands, chores - - to keep our minds occupied. It is in the evening when we are faced with the heartbreaking "reality" that a very integral part of the family is physically missing, and this makes the evenings particularly challenging. It's a part of the "adjustment" journey of establishing a "new normal" with different routines.

I hope today is treating you kindly, My Boo Bootsie, and thank you again for sharing your beloved Bootsie with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Does anyone have "any" suggestions for those of us who are having what I would call "flashbacks" to the night my baby girl passed away in front of my eyes? It is not her passing but how she went-her suffering and me being there trying to let her know it would be ok and telling her I was with her? Just when I think its easing up I walk past my bed where it happened by my night stand and I tell myself don't think about it Patti, don't think about it Patti, Please God help me get this image out of my mind and then its there and I start trembling and crying and it hits me again! I know its not even a week(tomorrow night one week) and I hope it will get less and less. Someone posted that its PTSD(post traumatic stress). I know what it is, I have an understanding but how can I get through it? Or does it just take time or other than talking to my husband about it and my sister do I need to talk to someone else? I tell ya, I dealt with the passing of my mom and my father and one year ago my best friend all from cancer and I tell you those were so difficult but I think the months leading up those I was going through all my emotions of grief knowing they would pass and knowing that they were with hospice who helped them so they did not suffer. This is so different and she was like my child(she WAS my child) and I am trying to go back to 2007 when mom was told her ovarian cancer spread and she now had terminal brain cancer-the shock I felt then was intolerable but I somehow was able to prepare myself for the past 2.5 mos. I had with her but I couldn't with Bootsie. I will continue to give it "time" as they say time heals but and yes it does I know this through my experience with mom, dad and my friend Barbara....but I am thinking I am still in a state of shock? Thanks much for "listening", maybe just getting this out through words here will continue to help me manage my emotions some? Thanks every1

My Boo Bootsie
First let me tell you how sorry I am for this tragic loss. The last images are tough, we all have this in our heads. I put my 13 year old kitty down on new years eve of this past Dec. I will tell you how I have gotten to a better place these past months. First I refuse to have that one moment of a wonderful life define my baby's life. I realize now that I am left alone without him, how much I did for him. He was my everything and I gave him a good life, one that I believe no one else could've given him. You know you gave Bootsie the best of the best. We can't know how things will turn in the end, because they happen so quickly, but remember to cry as much as you need. Read the links on this site about grief and coping every chance you get and Try to little by little know he was given a great life because of you. Any cat would love to have you for a mommy and Bootsie is healthy and happy and smiling down at his.
Cheri

God Bless you Cheri-I will do just as you said about reading the links about grief and coping! I really appreciate you and you are soooo right about not letting that one moment define my bootsie's life...she was so much more than that and I will do everything in my power to work on getting past those images and cherish the 12 wonderful years of great memories & affection we gave each other! She was a blessing and she still is my blessing as you said...she is now my guardian angel and is looking over me! You to are a blessing Cheri-all of you who understand, support & comfort people who are grieving. Its so fresh right now but I do know in time as the days go by it will ease my pain. Hope you have a blessed day & weekend! Patti

Hi, Patti, thank you for sharing with us how you're doing. What you are experiencing is normal deep grief. It is normal for the last moments, hours, to be foremost in our minds for awhile following the physical loss of our beloved companions. The more traumatic the events are, the more our brains "replay" those moments. How do you get the final moments to shift focus to the more positive memories? It takes a lot of time and dedicated effort. Sometimes changing the furniture around can help to shift the focus. When you begin to find yourself thinking of those final moments, you need to force yourself to focus on something else. For a different traumatic event in my life several years ago, this is one of the techniques that my counselor worked with me on. It doesn't come easy, it takes a LOT of work, but it does work. It won't "resolve" the flashbacks in a matter or hours or days, but I promise you, Patti, eventually the trauma of the final hours and moments of your beloved Bootsie's earthly journey will ease so that you can focus on the many beautiful cherished memories you and your beloved Bootsie share.

Cheri has offered you very good counsel so please read her words of encouragement often. This grief journey takes time, Patti, - - lots of time. Please know each of us are here with you through every step of your journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Patti, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi,
What is so strange about this "moving the furniture around" is two days before she passed I moved my living room furniture around, she was there watching me and we found so many of her toys(straws, all my pens or pencils I was missing, lol...under the couch). I was thinking of moving my bedroom furniture around but am having a hard time thinking of doing so but I know I really should as it would help. I have ordered a memory box that displays pictures and rotates that I can put her ashes, her "babies"(balls) and maybe a little note to her from her momma! I ordered from Amazon and am waiting for it to get here, when it gets here I will feel better having her in a special place(she loved boxes, bags-you name it if it was something new in the house and she could fit in it she was there! lol. I am working on the 12 years of great memories and just yesterday some family members who are pet lovers and understand sent some cards and our youngest grandaughter who "loves" animals more than anything in this world called to talk and she cried with me caus she knows I was sad-only 9 years old and part of me knew I had to be strong for her and I told her bootsie was with my mom and before we hung up she said "remember bootsie is sitting on your moms lap" and she is feeding her now! Awe. Its those little things that help but are hard at the same time. I don't want to sit in my grief alone and as hard as it is I am trying not to be a recluse. Ihave lawn business and I start work here in a few weeks again and I can't wait as I need to get out and keep my mind busy right now! Thanks MoonBeam for your suggestions and support-I look forward to your messages. Patti

I had to share something that some of you might find comforting! Growing up my mom used to sew a little pocket inside my sisters and my bra's so that if we were ever in a situation and needed to call home there would be a dime in our bra(LOL). I know thats funny right. Well, back then there were no cell phone's in the 70's or early 80's. We always laughed over the years about those dimes!!! Well, after mom died in 2007 "dimes" would show up here and there around my house and my sisters. We finally one day during our mourning shared a story or two and after that we knew it was a sign from her. We started each saving our dimes. My family and my husbands family lives about 800 miles from us. I never had children of my own and when I married my husband he came with his 3 children and I now have grandchildren through him. In my previous post I mentioned our 9 year old grandaughter-she is the the youngest girl and being we live so far away we don't get to see all of them but 2 times a years so its difficult and the same for my sister and my godaughter! Back to the dime story, I used to tell the story of my mom's visit(her last visit) when bootsie was young and mom sat down on the recliner(not knowing bootsie was fast and sound asleep on the back top)-well when mom plopped down bootsie when flying up over her and landed in the middle of the living room on all fours! She was fine, she shook it off but mom felt sooooo bad for a long time. Then as time went by we'd speak on phone and we'd laugh when she finally got over feeling bad and knowing that she was ok and she didn't hurt her. Well, I mentioned earlier today I moved my living room furniture around last thurs(2 days before bootsie passed)! What struck me is I had not moved that recliner or any recliner back to that spot in the living room ever again and on thurs. I put it there for the first time since the time mom was down and bootsie flew up and over her! I don't have much choice of how to rearrange furniture so I don't move it hardly ever(as you can tell). Well, this past Monday when Dan my husband picked bootsie up to take her up to Missouri to the hosp. where she would be creamated he came home and went over and sat on the couch and I was in the recliner(the new spot) and we were talking and saying how hard it was for him to do what he just did, we were discussing good memories of Bootsie and so on. Now, for some reason my cat Niki walked behind my recliner and tried to squeeze behind the wall & 2 recliners and table thats between and I got up to make room for her as this new arrangement was new and I wanted to make sure she didn't trip on a cord, etc.(no remember I just arranged and vacuumed, and there was nothing on that floor after I worked thurs and put the recliners back over her). I got down to wrap a cord and right behind my recliner(that spot from years back where mom sat and bootsie sprung through the air) was a dime-it was a older dime...I thought omg, it probably fell out of my recliner. I picked it up and said "Dan look a dime" he said Patti thats your mom telling us bootsie is ok and is with here in heaven it has to be a sign"! I cried and cried. I felt comforted and knew it had to be a sign as we don't leave change laying around this house at all EVER. Thats why when any change showed up in past 5 years I thought it was mom...I asked Dan are you sure you didn't put this dime here...and he got upset and said honey I would never do that to you NEVER. I didn't think he would but I told him maybe he was trying to make me feel better and he said NO I did not put that there Patti! Again, he said I would never do that to you! I do believe it was my mom sending me her "dime"- a sign of safety and security! I can't imagine it getting there any other way as it had not been there prior as I had vacuumed before and after putting the recliner back over here where it had not been since 2001-2003(yes that long)! I just had to share that inspiring story. I am putting the dime in bootsie's memory box when it gets here with everything else that was special to her and I(us)! Hope you find comfort in this story!(true story). God Bless!

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about the loss of your kitty. You did everything you could do, and although I totally understand the guilt (because I'm like that too) but there is nothing to feel guilty about. You did what any good mommy would have done.

It's so hard to lose a pet when we love them so much. It happening so unexpectedly and with no concrete explanation adds a whole other level. Please know that you aren't alone, and you are going thru (what in my opinion is) one of the hardest things in the world.

Your Bootsie knows how much you love her.

Thank You Petunia - I to am sorry for your loss of your beloved feline baby! My cats are my life and as strange as that sounds to non cat lovers I don't care. I decided a long time ago when I didn't have childen of my own that I think I found out why I was not able to have children. A few elderly friends of my who I have been caretakers for over the past 10 or so years had 3 cats and I took care of theirs as if they were my own as well-they told me I treat my cats like queens, lol. Cats unlike children cannot speak to say I have a stomach ache, etc. and I did my best to try and look after them to the best of my ability. Some may think my husband and I went overboard in worrying about them when we were gone and had cat sitters, etc. and would call to check on how they were doing w/out us, etc. but thats just how we are. When I brought Bootsie & Niki into my home I did so knowing that they were under my care and I don't take and didn't take that responsibility lightly. I loved them as they loved me, I tried to comfort them as they comfort me and if they looked bored I would get their toys and get them to play and run around so they didn't feel bored. So, our lives are meshed as one and part of me is missing and heart broken. But, like others said I will honor her memory and take care of Niki as she is feeling a loss as well-I am trying to take my sadness, my guilt, all these emotions and someone put As much energy into caring for Niki so that she knows she is just as special and that my heart break is not because she is left here with me but that now its time for mommy to take care of niki's broken heart as niki is trying to take care of mine. Petunia, from the story of your loss you to have gone through guilt and it is the worst part of our grieving I think. Because we can't change that time and we can't fix it or do things over. But, what we can do is honor them the best way we know how. I talk to Bootsie as some say thats good and healthy and I tell her I miss her, I tell her she was my angel while with me physically but now she is my guardian angel looking over me, daddy & Niki and I know she would not want me to carry this guilt nor would your baby want you to carry any guilt-take care of the rest of your babies as that will honor your beloved baby looking over you! God Speed and keep in touch!

Hi, Patti, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful story of your mom and the dimes. My mom would do the same thing - - sew a little patch into my siblings and my clothing with a dime / quarter just in case we needed to call home for help. WAY BACK WHEN before cellphones, there were public telephones EVERYWHERE, - - and emergency phones on the interstate highways - - so there was a good chance we would always have a place that we could call for help if we needed it. So it doesn't surprise me one little bit about the dimes being your mom's way of letting you know that your beloved Bootsie is safe and well and happy in heaven's perfect garden.

Take your time about rearranging the bedroom furniture if that is what you would eventually like to do. Just do what you feel up to doing. You will know in your heart when you're ready. Working is helpful as it gives your mind something different to focus on for awhile - - BUT you must still find time to allow yourself to grieve through your adjustment journey. Some people think that if they keep themselves busy and suppress their sorrow that it will help to make the grief less painful -- even go away. Clinical studies have proven that this is not the case. In reality, suppressed grief causes more serious physical and emotional harm which eventually will have to be dealt with in some form or fashion. So please make sure you give yourself time to grieve as you need to.

I hope today is treating you, your husband, and your precious Niki kindly, Patti, and that each of you will have a very peacerful evening blessed with your beloved Bootsie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam