Warning-LONG post ahead!
As I type this, it still doesn't feel real, like I'm reading about someone else's pain. In July, 2010, my husband and I lost our first (of 3) dogs, Bugsy. He was 8 yrs. old, a boxer, with a very progressive heart murmur. He passed away in my arms and didn't seem to suffer as he didn't show any signs of being in pain at all. We got Bugsy after my brother passed away in 2004 and his wife decided she could no longer care for him. He was such a happy, loving dog. He even made our other two dogs (both lab mixes, 12 yrs. old) seem more youthful being around him. He brought smiles wherever he went. To say we were heartbroken when he passed so suddenly would be an understatement.
Fast forward to September, 2011, when Linus (our male lab mix and brother to Lucy, our female lab mix) was diagnosed with lymphoma. We decided to do whatever we could to extend his life for as long as possible as long as his quality of life was good. Because he was 14 at he time and our finances were limited, this meant putting him on prednisone and converting his food to a raw food diet-which he absolutely loved! We were fortunate enough to have 4 more months with him before his quality of life declined to he point where we felt like we were being selfish by keeping him here. We called our vets office and because they know all of our pets so well and they know that we will always do what's best for them, they came to our house to put him down. It was very peaceful and we were all right there with him when he went, so there was no fear at all. That was January 7th.
A week ago yesterday, February 18th, we had to put our girl Lucy down. Lucy had had health problems from the day we brought her home from the humane society. Whether it was ear infections, liver problems, heart murmur, you name it, the poor dog always had something going on. Back in November, we noticed a lump growing on her back right next to her spine. When we took her in to have them look at it, the X-rays revealed what appeared to be cancer. At the same time, they found a couple of masses in her chest that they were a lot more concerned about, but because she was 14, they wouldn't operate on her because they were afraid of losing her during the operation. She had started getting a cough about 4 weeks ago that made her sound like she had smoked for 20 years,the vet said it was probably related to the masses in her chest. Last Saturday, she started coughing up saliva mixed with blood. By the time we got her to the vet, it was all blood. At that point, we felt to was best to put her down because there really wasn't anything the vet could do for her, without being able to operate.
We got Lucy and Linus from the humane society when we went in looking for ONE dog. They were in the kennel together and we were told they were brother and sister. We didn't want to separate them but because we were living with my husbands parents at the time, we were only able to take one, so we took Linus because he was shaking and absolutely terrified to be there. We made a promise to Lucy that we would find her a home. Two weeks went by and we couldn't find anyone who wanted her, so when I called that afternoon to see if anyone else had adopted her, they told me no and that "today is her day", meaning they would put her down. I told them I would be down after work to get her. We went to get her and promised my in-laws that we would find a home for her. We got our own house 6 months later.
When I say our lives are empty without our dogs, it is not exaggeration. We don't have kids, so our dogs were our "kids". Our house feels empty, quiet, lonely, and so big without them. We built so much of our lives around them. I know now how empty nesters must feel when the kids go away to college, only I can't call and ask when they're coming home to do laundry or have dinner! We are really lost right now. It feels like our house is haunted. Everywhere I turn I see memories. I don't even want to go in the backyard.
We also have guilt for wanting to travel and have a little time to ourselves.
We are VERY blessed to have friends and family who understand what they all meant to us and have offered sympathies, friendship, etc.
Sometimes I feel lie I'm going crazy or losing my mind, other times, I feel like I can't breathe. Then, I have moments when I am able to block it all out and focus on other things going on in our lives.
Thanks in advance for reading my post. I really want other furry kid owners who have lost a pet, I know what you're going through and you're never alone!

Hi, I am sorry about your huge losses. I so remember the "lonely, quiet house" and how difficult that was.

I am glad to hear you have understanding support through this grief! That can be so healing. And I'm glad you found this site.

Wanted to mention something about guilt.. I'm sure that Bugsy, Lucy, and Linus want you to travel guilt-free. It doesn't mean you are glad that they have passed on from their physical bodies. It's simply something that you couldn't do before, but now you can. (And now that they're Spirits, with no time/space limitations, they can travel with you too. )

Thanks for sharing your story. Sending prayers of healing and peace to you,

Kathy

Hi, lulibugmom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical losses of your beloved Bugsy, Linus, and Lucy. Losing our companions is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with their privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of our beloved companions. Having to adjust to multiple losses in a short period of time is very traumatic and prolongs and enhances the grief journey. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief -- very painful both emotionally and physically - - yet very normal. Many people find it helpful to travel for a change of scenery. So please do not feel guilty about needing this time.

When our companions come into our hearts and lives, our lives are changed for the better. They become the center of our universe. They are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - feeding, medical needs, exercise, emotional well being. When they precede us to the angels, our lives are changed again. We are faced with the incredibly difficult challenge of re-inventing our lives that no longer includes the physical presence of our companions. We are faced with the painful task of creating a "new normal" in our daily routines. The good news is that the love bond we share with our beloved companions is no longer dependent upon the physical laws of time and space. The love bond you and your beloved Bugsy, Linus, and Lucy share is eternal - - your beloved companions sweet Living Spirits are forever in your heart and your memories - - they are forever a heartbeat close to you.

Lulibugmom, this grief journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time. Unfortunately there is no fast forward or delete button you can press to speed up the process or eliminate it entirely. There is no date on the calendar you can circle and say "this is the date that all this deep sorrow will be gone." This grief journey has many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds that literally make us feel like we are indeed going crazy. But I assure you, lulibugmom, that what you are feeling is very normal.

One of the many things you need to remember is that you are never alone in your grief journey. I'm so glad you have the support of good friends and family to help you in your grief journey. Please also know that each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Bugsy, Linus, and Lucy with us. Perhaps sometime you may feel up to sharing a picture(s) of them with us - - but only if / when you feel up to it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, lulibugmom, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

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Dear Kathy and moon_beam,
First of all, I want to Thank You both for reading my long post and for responding. It really helps to know that other people are out there and know first hand what I'm going through!
I'm finding that each day is different. Some days I can be strong and not dwell on what's happened. Others, I find that's all I can think about and I feel so alone. I feel like if I let myself think about it too much, it will overwhelm me. Part of me wants to be overwhelmed for the healing it would produce. The other part of me is very afraid of being overwhelmed by it for fear I can't bring myself back.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, our house feels sooo EMPTY, just like my heart. I feel like I'm going through the motions for the most part. As long as I'm at work or out of the house, I am ok. But as soon as I come home, it's all I can think of.
I've tried to attach the best photo I have of my beautiful babies...Bugsy, Linus and Lucy (in that order) all together. I guess I won't know if it worked until after I've posted.
Thanks again for being there for me.
Peace to you both,
Lulibugmom

Hi Luli

What a set of incredible dogs! Bugsy, Linus and Lucy. No wonder you are heartbroken. Please know that my heart is with you - and so are the spirits of Bugsy, Linus and Lucy. You gave them the best lives possible on this earth, then made the supreme act of love by taking on what you KNEW would be some of the most intense pain there is by letting them be well, same, warm, happy and together in the Perfect World where they are now. Still on their job. Loving you, being loved by you, watching out for you, protecting you, thumping their waggy tails ... bragging about how wonderful their mom and dad (the newbie's get first bragging rights). I know my babyface, Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived, and who went to the Perfect World last April, has taken your trio into her pack and are hanging out just having all the fun in the world.

You're in the right place. all of your LS brothers and sisters have been or are going through life's most agonizing time. We strengthen each other and together we are strong, caring and loving. Welcome to our LS family, both here on this earth and in the perfect World, where we'll be reunited never again to be parted.

Peace and blessings,

Gretta's mom

How are you this morning, Lulibugmom? Just wanted you to remember that your LS family is with you night and day. And that there's a Perfect World where we'll all be together once again - in perfect happiness.

Have a peaceful day.

Gretta's mom

Gretta's Mom,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby as well!
Today is better-for now. I keep busy in the morning and throughout te day so evenings are when it's closer to the surface. Thank You for your kind words and reminding me that we are all in this journey together and that someday, we will go on to a place that will make up for all the sadness, loss and heartbreak that we go through while we are here. If that place is half as beautiful, fun, and rewarding as I believe it to be, I await anxiously!!
Peace and hugs to all my LS friends! Thank You.

Lulibugmom

Hi, Lulibugmom, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing and this wonderful picture of your beloved Bugsy, Linus, and Lucy. They are a trio!!!

Lulibugmom, it is very normal to feel overwhelmed during this time of deep grief. This grief is very consuming - - both physically and emotionally. It is important for you to allow yourself to grieve as you feel appropriate. I promise you it will not always be this painful.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Bugsy, Lucy, and Linus with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lulibugmom, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Lulibugmom

Just stopping by to see how you're doing and wish you a good day today. As Moonbeam says, it won't always hurt this much and your LS family will always be here for you. We get it b/c we've either gone through or are going through what you're going through now. Our fur babies are on their jobs - watching over us, loving us and being loved by us.

Peace and blessings.

Gretta's mom