It's been 2 weeks since I put my darling boy Milo down, but I can't seem to pull myself together. He had a urinary blockage and had been losing weight and acting lethargic and my husband and I decided it was time to let him go. As soon as it was done I regretted it. I knew we should have done more. I can't believe I just gave up on him like that! We'd spent over $3000 on him in the last year and have a baby on the way and limited finances, but it was treatable. He might have been fine.

The whole thing feels like a bad dream. I feel like a monster. My baby boy trusted me completely and I let him down. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm crying all the time and it's affecting my work and my marriage. I'm just so angry at myself. Why didnt' I get a second opinion? How could I put a dollar limit on his care! I'd give anything to take it back. I just can't seem to accept that it's done. He was only 8. I just keep thinking we might have had so many more years together. I keep replaying the horrible day in my head thinking of all the things I should have done differently.

I'm angry at my husband for being so fine with the loss. I'm ashamed I let him influence my decision because it's clear it was "just a cat" to him, but Milo was my furbaby. My sweet shadow that followed me everywhere. He would have never given up on me. I'm so lost without him.

I don't feel like I did what I did out of love for him or that it was what was best for him. I don't know how to forgive myself and I dont' think he will forgive me.

Hi, jgar, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Milo. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Jgar, I am so sorry for the deep seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. Please permit me to try to offer you some comfort. You said that your Milo had been lethargic and losing weight. Jgar, I am not a veterinarian nor a vet tech, but I have experience with furkids who have suffered with kidney failure. I don't know what your vet explained to you at the time you and your husband decided to send your beloved Milo home to the angels, but from my personal experience I assure you you did the right thing for your beloved Milo. When the kidneys no longer function properly, toxins build up in the blood stream because the kidneys are no longer able to properly filter out the toxins from the blood stream. Urinary blockages are a symptom that indicates that the kidneys are not functioning normally. Inability to eliminate the toxic waste pushes it back into the blood stream. The body continues to get poisoned. As this occurs the body becomes lethargic. For this situation to continue for your beloved Milo would not have been pleasant for him to endure. I truly hope and pray that somehow someday you will be able to find some peace in your heart that your beloved Milo is truly eternally grateful to you for releasing him from his frail, failing physical body.

I am so sorry that your husband is not offering you the comfort you need in your grief journey. Clinical professionals recognize that the grief for a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. Unfortunately sometimes it is the people who are closest to us who fail to recognize this and are the least able to offer us the comfort and support we need in our time of grief. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum was started. It is a safe place where each of us can come to share whatever is in our hearts and on our minds. Jgar, please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Jgar, please know that your beloved Milo always loves you. His sweet Living Spirit is forever in your heart and your memories. He is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. He knows you would have done everything in your power to give him a happy, healthy earthly journey. The hardest thing we will ever do in our earthly journey with our companions is to make the decision to release them from their irreversibly ill physical bodies. There is no greater love than this, jgar, and your beloved Milo is eternally grateful to you for your unselfish eternal love.

Jgar, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart right now. This grief journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are never alone in your grief journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Milo with us, jgar. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, jgar, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Moon Beam. It helps so much to share. I feel like I'm looking for the absolution I can't seem to give myself. Your words of comfort and support help.

Daer Jgar

As much as you obviously loved Milo, please know that you did the ABSOLUTE BEST for him. Yes, there are always treatment options, but as MoonBeam pointed out, they're never successful and in the meantime the baby has to suffer (sometimes greatly) in silence). You made the greatest sacrifice one is called on to make in this world, to knowlingly accept the worst broken heart so that someone you love with your whole heart anad soul can be free of pain, happy healthy, warm, well-fed, with a million companions - you know I'm talking about the Perfect World - where our beloved friends cam from and where they've gone before us to await our arrival. Reunited NEVER EVER to be parted again.

Cry as much as you have to .... don't let someone tell you it's not OK. Crying is cleansing and ... well ,,, human.

Peace and blessings

Greetta's mom

I just don't feel like I'm getting through this. I can't accept that I put my sweet boy to sleep. How could I have done that without at least confirming it was cancer or kidney failure. What if it was just his diet. What if he would have been fine? The vet made it sound horrible, but now I know it's much more common and he may have been okay. How could I act so permanently on a suspicion to save money! I keep having flashbacks to that day and I don't understand why I didn't do more to help my boy. I wanted to, my heart was telling me to, why didn't I listen to it. I just shut down. So what if it would have meant more debt. He's worth it, I owed him that care. He depended on me and trusted me to take care of him. I just remember thinking that I didn't want to do it, but I did it anyway. I honestly don't feel like I made the best choice for him. We're expecting our first child in just 6 weeks and my husband and parents were telling me I had to be practical and the baby had to be the first priority and we didn't have the money, and he'd probably die anyway blah blah blah and I listened. Like I was in some crazy fog, but he was my first son, my fur baby. And now I've spent the last three weeks depressed and sobbing and I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night when I've been able to sleep at all and I'm afraid of what effect it will have on the baby. I seem to be failing as a mom on all counts.

Dear jgar

Let me share a little about the circumstances in which I sent my most beloved friend and soul-mate to the perfect World. Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived, was 9 or 10 when I adopted her. She had been used for breeding and was found starving, wandering the streets. A wonderful rescue organization saved her from euthanasia at Animal Control and SHE adopted ME at the first adoption event we met. She laid her nose on my lab and pwed me a couple of times as if to say, "Take me home. Please."

fast forward 4.5 years. She had all the senior dog problems - ear infections, incontinence when lying down, and a liver enzyme that just wouldn'r go down to normal. Ordinarily that points to Cushings disease, but the vet (the most wonderful vet on the face of the earth) kept telling me that she just didn't "sream' Cushings at him. I had some non-invasive test done, all inconclusive. But we went on three mile daily walks, we played, "Who wants to lay on the floor?" (our only trick) and were inseparable for four and a half beautiful years.

Then she crashed - began to walk very slowly (no more mile walks!!) and one Friday night she just kept standing up, circling around our coffee table, in obvious pain. I did my best to soothe her that night and in the morning I brought her to the 24/7 vet clinic at our state university. They examined her and now I can't even remember what they told me - except that she hadn't peed for 12+ hours. After the night we'd just had, I did the most chicken thing I've ever done: i asked them if she could spend the night in their hospital. I felt I couldn't take care of her. (But I was really running away.) It turned out to be her last night on this earth.

The next morning the vet school called me and told me all the things they'd tried during the night and that she still hadnt peed. This was 36 hours w//o urinating - which I knew meant organ failure of some kind. I asked the doctor if she thought it was time to let her go - and of course they never give you a straight answer. I knew I couldn't take care of her if she came home - actually I was SCARED to take care of her if she came home. So I made the decision to let her go. It was the hardest, saddest day of my life.

I can never forget her sad eyes as they wheeled her in in a wagon to see me (she couldn't walk at that point). The "helpful" neighbor who had gone with me said, "There's not much there." The w&(*)&*T!!!!!!! She could have said something loving and conforting like, see how see looks at you with such love. I sat on the floor and held her in my arms as she breathed her last and went on to the Perfect World. Everyone in the room was sobbing - even the doctor.

But, like you, I often feel as though I didn't do enough for her, that if I had just had the painful tests for Cushings and it had been Cushings I could have given her medicine which often stops one form of Cushings. But it's chemo - and how could I put my Gretta - whose only purpose in life was to love and care for me - through chemotherapy - with all its side effects. I work full time so I wouldn't be abel to be with her during the day. Every chance if I did that she'd die alone. All the rationalizations .....

But you know what? I still cry over doing that. Intellectually, it WAS the best decision, but my heart will always be bleeding over it.

I'm sorry for your being in the immediate throes of grief. The period that feels like every minute you're being shot through the heart with a hig-powered rifle. Eventually it passes into the robot stage - where you just walk through like like an automaton. Almost a year later - and with a wonderful dog Rufus (half black lab/half Newfie) - I still feel guilt about Gretta.

I know she understands. I know she's in the Perfect World just waiting for me and your little fur baby is waiting for you. I gave her all the love I had and it wasn't enough. That heartache will never go away - it's always just beneath the surface and will be until I see her "babyface" and see her running across the green fields of the Perfect World to jump into my arms - and never again be parted. Until then, the best thing I can do is live a life that honors her memory and try to ease the pain of others traveling along this lonesome road.

Here's a big hug from me and a big sloppy kiss from Gretta and one from Rufus, too.

Gretta's mom

I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilty, there is nothing else you could have done for Milo. It was a kind thing to let him go. When i lost my Otis we couldn't afford the vet bills either so i know how you feel. Your little Milo will always love and cherish you and will thank you for ending his suffering. There was just nothing more that you could do. May my deepest condolences be with you. It is extremely hard to lose a pet, especially if you were so close to him. May God be with you xx

Jgar, I am very sorry for your loss. I know it must hurt so much that to your husband Milo was "just a cat". I am so sorry that he is not able to give you the support that you need during this difficult time. The first three months are the most painful in the grief journey. It feels like the pain just will never end, and the waves of grief wash over us. I lost my Danny boy almost 3 months ago, and I still miss him so much. He was a sweet and gentle kitty boy. Please know that Milo's memory lives on in your heart, and he is made whole again in the company of the angels as moon_beam would say. I hope that life is treating you kindly today.

Hugs,
DannysMom

In my life, I have lost two cats to kidney obstruction/damage, and three to cancer.

There were times in my life when money was no object. The first time, the vet BEGGED me to "Do the kind thing" because he could not stand to see Sheva suffer further.
My guilt is because of not putting him to sleep. Trust me, that guilt is worse, because...
It is that selfishly, I kept him alive no matter the cost, and caused him weeks of needless pain.
And it all ended the way it would have had I not treated him at all.

Our job in the Stewardship Deal when we have an animal friend is that we agree to care for them, love them, and protect them.
That includes the horrible decision to protect them from pain in a situation where survival is doubtful.
You did your job, and honored the bargain you made when you accepted your friend's love.
We can feel terrible for the loss, but do not feel as badly about something you had to do out of compassion.

Dear jgar,

Firstly, I just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you had to go through this with your Milo. I am also sorry that you are dealing with guilt over your decision. It must be so very painful and hard to wonder "what if?" It is unfair when we have to make choices - or feel like we have to - based on finances, but that is the unfortunate reality. However, it does not sound like only money played into this choice. I see that you clearly love Milo, and that you truly wanted him not to suffer. Please allow me to share my experience with my little Pippin.

My Pippin was only 7 when we lost him. He was diagnosed with diabetes, and then kidney failure. We tried every last thing we could for him. We spent, literally, tens of thousands of dollars on him, which we were very fortunate to be able to do. But after three months of us, and him fighting, and three days of dialysis, we still had to let him go. I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decision not to let him go earlier, but that's neither here nor there. (And let me reassure anyone who reads this - he did not suffer. He was a very brave boy, and he let me know when he was done fighting.) I'm just saying that it's impossible to predict what will happen.

Dear jgar, you made the best decision you could with the information you had. That is all any of us can do, and no matter what decision we make in these terrible, heart-rending circumstances, we feel guilty. It is the price of being our little ones' stewards in this life. It stinks, no doubt, but please know that even if you had pursued treatment to its fullest, it might not have changed anything. "What if" is such a terrible path to go down, but it is inevitable that we will wander that way, and through all the extra heartache and pain and guilt the What-If path brings us.

The bottom line is this: You love Milo. Please ask yourself - did Milo know he was loved? Was he happy for as much of his life as he could have been? Did he have a good life? Those are the important things, not the what-ifs. (Believe me, this is a talk I have to have with myself on a daily basis!)

Hang in there. Little Milo knows you love him, and I have no doubt that in spite of other factors that may have arisen at the time, you made your choice out of love.