6 days ago, the one thing I have feared happened. I took my best friend to the vet because he had lost alot of weight. He wasn't feeling well and he wasn't eating. I was at the vet with him for about 3 hours. My emotions ranged from hopeful to crying my eyes out. And with all the preparing I could have done in those 3 hours, it wasn't enough. The vet said my kitty was sick and that he was not going to get better. There were treatment options, but the vet did not give Bud, my cat, a very good chance to survive. She also did not believe my cat would have survived the night. So, I made the decision to end his suffering and let my kitty go in peace.

I was in the room when the vet ended his life and to this day I cannot get that image out of my mind. I was able to pet and talk to him... and knowing I was the last thing he saw makes things even worse for me. I have had nightmares every night about that image thus I have not been sleeping well at all. I worry all the time wondering if I made the right decision... did I give up and Bud would have come through everything just fine. Did I make this decision too fast instead of thinking and deciding a better course of action. I asked the vet outright "If this was your pet, what would you do?". She answered she would put him to sleep. She stated that Bud most likely had a 20% chance to survive if I had opted to admit him into the hospital. The other option was to treat him at home, but she didn't believe he would have survived at all.

Officially, he had a very severe UTI. It came on very sudden. The vet did every test and besides the UTI, he was "healthy". But, with the weightloss, she believed he may have had cancer. Testing for cancer would cost alot of money and if it was, there was no way I could afford to treat cancer. According to the vet, this was the very best choice I could have made, yet I doubt it every second of the day. All I know is I lost my best friend for the past 8 years. I adopted Bud when he was 6 years old (or so they say) which would make him about 14. I was also told he was a male cat. I found out about 2 hours before I had him put down that he was actually a she. Knowing this, Bud could have been older than 14 for all I know.

It is so hard for me to come into the house because I know he's not here to welcome me and it kills me inside to know this. There have been a few times where I have gone looking for him... even though I know he's not here. I can't go to bed at night until my sleeping pills are making me pass out because Bud isn't here to cuddle up with me at night. I feel a huge hole in my heart and I feel lost without him. I live with my girlfriend who has 4 other cats but none of them are "mine". They have all chosen her to be their owner.

By the way, I know earlier I said that Bud turned out to be a she and yet in many places I have said he. This is because in my eyes, Bud is a he lol.

Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give.

Brian

Hello Brian, please allow me to offer to you my sincere sympathies on the loss of you precious 'Bud'. I know what you are going through as I had to make the same decision for my beloved Danny last December just a few days after Christmas. I know exactly what you mean about you being the last thing Bud saw and how traumatizing that was for you. I too could not get that image out of my mind of seeing my beloved Danny boy's lifeless body lying there on that steel table and his open eyes staring into nothing. It haunted me for weeks and it caused me great pain. I too questioned my decision, and my vet also told me that I had made the right decision. I have some comfort in that I spared my sweet Danny boy further pain and suffering. Your grief is still so fresh and raw, and it will hurt for a while. Please know that we are here for you to offer support and comfort during this difficult time. It hurts so much because we love them so much, but please know that your precious 'Bud' is made whole again in the company of the angels as my friend moon_beam would say.
Words are so inadequate, I know, but I am hoping that you know you are not alone in this and that we are here for you.

Hi, Brian, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bud. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Unfortunately our furkids are very adept at disguising how they are feeling. This is genetically inherited from their wild cousins. Any sign of illness, weakness, injury makes them vulnerable and easy prey. By the time they can no longer disguise how they are feeling, the illness / injury has already taken a toll on their body. This of course is of little help to us - - their guardians. Sometimes veterinary medicine can help provide a good quality of life, while other times - - as in the case of your beloved Bud - - the only thing we can do is release them from their frail, painful physical body. So the "severe UTI" could already have caused irreversible kidney failure. While I am not a veterinarian or a vet tech, I have had experience with kideny failure in a beloved furchild. Please let me try to reassure you that your beloved Bud is eternally grateful to you for releasing her from her painful physical body. Your first and foremost thought during a very difficult time was what was best for your beloved Bud. There is no greater love than this, Brian.

Brian, this grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of our beloved companions. When they come into our lives they become the center of our universe. They are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - food, medical care, exercise, etc.. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. Scientific studies show that every living being brings an energy to the family unit. When this energy is no longer present - - for whatever reason - - the entire unit is changed. It feels like even the house structure itself mourns the loss of the one who is missing. The good news is that your beloved Bud's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories. She continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will - - just differently. She is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey. It can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Brian, I hope today is being kind to you. Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Bud with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us - - but only when / if you feel like it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Brian, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

First i want to say im sorry for your loss, i would like to say it gets easier but honestly it dont. I lost my cat Casper about a month ago i also had to put her to sleep due to a blood clot she developed and for that it made her paralyzed, she had no movement in her tail or hind legs. The vet she was in alot of pain and putting her to sleep was the only thing to do. It is really hard. Im only 23 yrs old and had her since i was 6 she would of been 16 yrs old next month so getting through this is hard. All i can say is im so sorry to hear about Bud and stay strong.

Hi Brian,

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are. I also lost my best friend of 10 years a few days ago, so I can completely empathize with you. It definitely feels as if a part of my heart is missing, too. That is what happens when you lose someone that you love so much. Like you, I miss my Percy and all the snuggle he gave me. I hope that he and Bud are over at Rainbow Bridge keeping each other company, playing and doing kitty things, while waiting for us.

Grace

Thanks for all the kind words. I have been doing well up until today. I requested my cat's ashes and have been waiting for them to come in. I called them today and they said they did come in, but the name plaque was spelled wrong so they are waiting on a replacement one to come in. It's been a little over a week since I have cried and today it just came flooding back. My girlfriend offered to go get the ashes for me, but I know I need to be there to get them. Funny how a pet can make you feel so happy while they are with us yet when they are gone, we feel so lost and hurt.

Hi, Brian, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yes, when our companions come into our hearts and home our lives are changed for the better. They become the center of our universe, and we surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation or fear of rejection. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the incredible challenge of establishing a "new normal" - - and this is incredibly painful both physically and emotionally. I hope the new plaque comes in so that you will be able to pick up your beloved Bud's ashes and bring her home where he belongs.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Brian. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello Brian, I am so sorry that they spelled the name wrong on the plaque. That must have been very upsetting. The grief comes over us in waves. At first, the waves are so powerful and overwhelming, but as times goes by the waves become smaller and less intense. It may take a few more months before you feel better and are able to adjust to life without your precious little friend. They are such sweet little creatures, and they give us so much love.

Hello Brian

I am so sorry about the passing of your soul-mate Bud-kitty. Last April I had to send my precious Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived, back to the Perfect World from which she came and to which we will all return someday. I ssat on the floor, held her on my lap, bent my head over hers and told her how much I loved her - sobbing like I've never sobbed before. I gave the vet the OK to inject the "medicine" and my Gretta relaxed, sighed deeply and was gone from this earth. She was/is the first dog I ever had so this was my first experience with setting a suffering dog free. It makes me so happy that she died in my arms, in the arms of the person on earth who loved/loves her more than anyone in the universe. That she gently lay her head in the crook of my elbow and heard my comforting words. I held her for a few moments and then asked the vet and the tech to put her in the red wagon they'd wheeled her into the "comfort rom" in. By the time I opened my eyes again, they eevidently had closed her eyes and covered her (including her face) with a soft blanket. Everybody in the room was crying, including the vet and the 20-year-old male vet tech. I asked to see her face one more time before they wheeled her away. I gave her one last kiss and then our time on earth together ended. I think the sadness never does go away. It just changes form. First, it's like constantly being shot in the heart with a high-powered rifle, then it's "robot' time (or maybe shell shocked). Way later it becomes like carrying a boulder on your heart. That's where I am now almost a year later and that's where I expect to be until I jump into her arms when I get to where she is.

Sorry for talking about myself instaed of you, Brian. Somehow sharing and hearing others' stories helps ease the pain of one's own.

Please have a blessed night with at least a few moments of peace.

Gretta's mom

Brian,

Your story and mine are so similar... And so weird that I am reading yours exactly six days after my Coco died in my arms. She had a UTI which made her not eat. She was 17 plus. We had done antibiotics, liquids, fake food supplements... Nothing worked. There was nothing else to do. The vet administered the drugs to help her pass. I held her as she went limp and I feel so guilty. She was my best friend and she's gone.

The only thing that gives me solace is that she was suffering and now she's not. I am suffering instead. I miss my kitty so much too. I understand.

Rayn

Yes, I keep thinking and saying that it is one of those things that the better it is, when the bill comes due at the end, the bigger the bill, and that last payment is truly awful. We have a little cemetery here on the property. We would downsize and move, but..well..Sacred Ground.
So many stories are there, so many friends over the decades, so much perfect love.
It was years ago when Merlin had to go.
I know what you mean about the image. His beautiful golden eyes, now sightless.
After that, I can no longer be in the room. I just cannot do it any more. That was fifteen years ago or more, and it will haunt me forever.

Hi I am very sorry for your loss. I read this poem and wanted to post it on here for you.

Weep not for me though I am gone into that gentle night.
Grieve if you will, but not for long upon my soul's sweet flight.
I am at peace, my souls at rest.
There is no need for tears.
For with your love I was so blessed.
For all those many years.
There is no pain, I suffer not,
The fear now all is gone.
Put now these things out of your thoughts,
In your memory I live on.
Remember not my fight for breath
Remember not the strife.
Please do not dwell upon my death,
But celebrate my life.

xxForeverxx