on monday 30th january 2012 my heart and world literally stopped - i had to let my baby boy go to sleep forever he was just 4 i cant make sense of it all he was only 4 its not right. on the wednesday he had a slight limp he was always leaping and bounding around and we had just had a big walk nothing out of the ordaniary then he was fine after a bit thursday morning he didnt want his breakfast but was his usual bouncy self ate a little in the afternoon he was whining that night but by morning he was in so much pain howling - he kept trying to stand up but couldnt it broke my heart took him straight to the vets they kept him in he had xrays test etc all weekend but got steadyly worse and ended up paralysed sat/sun they said he had no deep pain response to his hind legs and rump and that it was a spinal or neurological problem they suggested a mri scan on the sat to which i was trying to arrange but by sun they said there was no point - i got a phonecall mon morning saying his situation was dire and i needed to make the decision to let him sleep i mentioned the mri to which i was told theres no point because allmost certainly he would need surgery and that would only have a 10% success rate, they said he was heavy sedated and crate rest would not make a difference i made the appointment for that afternoon when i went to see him i expected him to be i dunno unconcious i suppose but he wasnt he was sitting there he tried to get up and looked at me questionly as to why he couldnt. They showed me how they pinched his toes and he didnt have a clue they were doing it i spoke to the vet again who basically said if he was my dog i would do it in a heartbeat he was on morphine for the pain i looked at my babys face who was still trying to kiss his mummy and thought about the previous week when he was belting full pelt down the garden chasing his ball or a bird or teasing my 2 year old by running round with her teddy in his mouth and knew that even if we could control the pain he would not have been happy as a paraplegic dog and made the hardest choice iv ever had to make. When the vet did the injection he had such a look of confusion in his eyes ( this i will never forget) he then went down with such a thud she left and said shed come back in a couple of mins and that it would take seconds well after a couple of mins he was still breathing and i had to call a nurse the vet came back and gave him another shot and this time he went.

Im so confused i read somewhere once that your dog will let you know when their ready but he thought he was coming home my hearts telling me i did the right thing but i feel like i just took someones word on what to do and the fact the 1st injection was his way of telling me he didnt want to go but how could i let him stay in pain and have operations would proberly fail. The hardest thing of all is not knowing actually what was wrong

I LOVE YOU MY WINNIE WINNIE POOH POOH NOV 2007 - JAN 2012 XX

Hi, winniesmummy, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Winnie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Winniesmummy, please let me try to reassure you that you made the very best decision for your beloved Winnie. This grief journey is filled with many emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time, and unfortunately part of the grief journey always involves the "what ifs" that tear at our hearts. I am not a veterinarian nor a vet tech, but from what you describe it sounds like your beloved Winnie could have suffered a blood clot or ruptured spinal disc that permanently impaired his mobility. There is more involved with his not being able to walk. Once the nerve damage is done, there is also the challenge of incontinence, among other things. From what you have shared with us your beloved Winnie was in excruciating pain. Of course you wanted to do everything you could to take his pain away. Could surgery have helped him? What would have been his chances of surviving the surgery? If he survived the surgery, would he have been able to survive the recovery? If he survived the recovery and still was not able to walk, then what? It is not uncommon for our companions to rally when they see us and hear our voices. Even when they are comatose they can hear us even though they are not able to respond. At great sacrifice to you, winniesmummy, you made the most merciful and enduring love decision you could make for your beloved Winnie: you released him from his painful physical body. There is no greater love than this, winniesmummy. He is forever and eternally grateful for this. The love bond you and your beloved Winnie share is eternal, winniesmummy. It is not dependent upon the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Winnie's sweet Lving Spirit is forever in your heart and your memories - -he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

The first shot is a sedative to try to help them relax. They are still aware of what is going on around them, they are still aware of those who are in attendance with them. It is the second shot that releases them from their physical body. While this process is a "normal" experience for the veterinary staff, it is NOT a normal process for the companion nor the loved ones in attendance. I truly wish the veterinary staff could have been more compassionate for you, winniesmummy, as I know this would have helped ease your concerns and offered you comfort during this very stressful and sorrowful moment in your life.

Unfortunately the most sophisticated medical equipment cannot always answer questions but rather raise more questions and confusion. I do understand how unsettling "not knowing" a definitive answer can be. Perhaps at some time you may feel up to visiting the vet to try to get a better understanding of what happened to your beloved Winnie. I'm sure they have some idea but may have been reluctant to share the details with you to try to "spare" you the heartache. But perhaps if you explain that NOT KNOWING is causing you more heartache then you may be able to obtain some answers. It's just a suggestion for you to think about.

Winniesmummy, this grief journey is filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is normal grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically - - but very normal. Unfortunately there is no fast forward or delete button to press to speed up or completely erase the process. It is a one day at a time journey, sometimes one moment at a time journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are never alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Winniesmummy, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Winnie with us. I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss in your heart. I can only hope and pray that the words I share with you will offer you some comfort, encouragement, support, and hope as you travel your journey. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to posting a picture of your beloved Winnie - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, winniesmummy, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi winniesmummy

I am so sorry for your loss. My Chewy was 3 and a half when he was cruelly taken from me on the 3rd of January. So I know how it feels to lose a very much loved companion at such a young age. Nothing really can help in the sense of advice when you are in the first week r so of grief but I found this website very helpful in just knowing people understood and had been through it (although of course I wish there were less people suffering).

All the people I have met on this site are amazing and moon_beam offers kind and caring words as well as good sound advice.

I hope you start feeling the happy memories of your Winnie soon and my thoughts are with you.

I hope you are being treated well today.

xxForeverxx

Thank you both for your kind words its been 2 weeks now and feels like yesterday. Moon-beam your words so kind and thoughtful made me cry for which i am grateful as i needed to do this i was so upset that the injection didnt work 1st time he had 2 injections before the last one i that was clear and 2 that were blue which i am told is to stop the heart, it upset me so much when she said he was obviously strong and healthy. Anyway whats done is done i also have a 12 year old jack that has adapted loads better than me bless her. I have winnies ashes back and that makes me feel better. I think its the guilt thing more than anything this actually feels worse than when my lovely mum died i had no choice then but this time i did, i hope than my baby boy can forgive me.

dear XXforeverXX

my thoughts and heart go out to you on the loss of your chewy so little time we have had with our babies but such a massive impact they had. i have started to miss the little things like he was a big muscly staffi/cross but thought he was a lapdog he used to crawl on my lap realise he didnt fit and then wrap his paws round my neck to cuddle me with his head on my shoulder ***


P.s i tried to upload a photo of him but it keeps telling me its too large x

Hi, winniesmummy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. If you need help uploading a picture of your beloved Winston, you can e-mail it to the L S Administrator. He will be very happy to help you with this, as he has been so kind and helpful when I have been "technology challenged."

Winniesmummy, clinical professionals are now recognizing that the physical loss of our beloved companions is as painful as, if not more so, the physical loss of a human family member or friend. So what you are feeling is very normal - - very painful, true - - but very normal. Try to only focus on taking one day at a time for now, winniesmummy, and it is important that you give yourself the opportunity to grieve this horrible loss in your life. I promise you, winniesmummy, that your beloved Winston is forever with you, and each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, winniesmummy, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi all

Had a really bad couple of weeks feeling the guilt .................... its been a month now and things still feel like a dream i miss my baby is it normal to wonder did i do the right thing i hate myself just want my little boy back x

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miss you boy my winnie 2007 -2012

Hi, winniesmummy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing and these wonderful pictures of your beloved Winston. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically - - yet very normal. I wish there were an easier way through this grief journey, but unfortunately it is a one day at a time journey, sometimes one moment at a time. Please know we are here with you, winniesmummy, through every step you take.

I hope today is treating you kindly. Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Winston with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, winniesmummy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam