This past weekend my family suffered the great loss of our precious dog, Fiona. Fiona was an old girl (around 15 or 16- exact age not known because she was a shelter dog) and she has been sick for the past couple of months. Still, it came as a horrible blow to all of us. We adopted Fiona approximately 12 years ago, when she was around 2 or 3 years old. She was only days away from being put to sleep at the shelter, and when we saw her face we knew we had to save her! At that time I was 13 years old and I had always dreamed of having a dog. Fiona was EVERYTHING to me. She slept with me, played with me, and I was obsessed with training her to do all sorts of tricks. She was so very smart and affectonate and she filled my life with great joy. My family has gone through many financial troubles over the years. About a year after adopting Fiona, we ended up having to leave our home. We spent time living in motel rooms, shelters, an attic, etc. We took Fiona with us everywhere and always made sure she was cared for. During this time, my brother and I were not able to be in school so we didn't have any friends or people to socialize with. Fiona was my only friend, but she was the only friend I needed. She always loved us, no matter where we lived and she gave me hope and joy during what was a very dark time. When we couldn't properly care for her, she stayed with our family friend for a year, who had a big yard and we always visited her. We took her back as soon as we were settled again and she (and we!) couldn't have been happier to be permanently reunited.

My family is from Seattle, but eventually my brother and I ended up moving to the east coast for college and work. When I first went away to school, my mom recalls Fiona waiting patiently by the door for days thinking I was going to return any minute. She stayed in my room and in my bed and appeared to have separation anxiety. But my mom and dad loved her so much and took good care of her while I was gone. Every time I came home for a vacation, I feared Fiona would not recognize me, but she always did! She always jumped on me and was so excited to see me.

As time went on, work, grad school, and money made it difficult for me to come home and visit as often as I would have liked. But my mom would always put Fiona on the phone with me and when I would speak to her she would bark with excitement and what we perceived as recognition. The last time I was able to go home and see Fiona was this past August. I spent a week at home and Fiona was very happy. I could already tell she seemed very old, but she was still her happy and healthy self. She loved to follow me around the house and nap with me in the yard. When I said goodbye to Fiona I never dreamed it would be the last time I would see her furry, freckled, face. I never dreamed it would be the last time she would lick me and paw at me to pet her. But it was.

Fiona fell sick in November with kidney failure. The vet told my parents it was the natural progession of old age and nothing really to be done. She had medications and was hospitalized twice and she seemed to return to stable. Still, we knew she was very weak. My parents took amazing care of her. Even though money was tight, they spared no expense taking her to the vet and getting her medications. For that I am so grateful. However, we were all in so much denial that we kept convincing ourselves that no matter what the vets said she was getting better. Then, on Saturday, she was barely eating or moving. The vets gave her pain medication so she was in no pain but it seemed like the end was nearing. I decided I would fly home the next weekend, no matter how much it cost, to say goodbye to my dear friend. But, she didn't make it that long. She died on Sunday morning in my dad's arms.

I am beside myself in grief. I miss her so much. I can't get out of bed, sleep, shower, eat. I feel so angry at myself for not finding a way to go home and visit her more. I was not able to go home this past Christmas because plane tickets were too expensive, but now, I wish I would have borrowed or stolen the money to come back and spend time with Fiona. She was so protective, sweet, loving, and intelligent. She was the best friend, human or animal, I have ever known. I can't believe she is gone. The worst part is that I feel like no one understands. They think somehow that because I haven't gone home so often in the past few years to see her it isn't as bad. But I am plagued with guilt for not coming back and seeing her more. I am full of sorrow and depression that I didn't get to say goodbye. My only solace is that I know my parents loved her as much as me, and that the fact that she died in my dad's arms rather than try to sneak off and die alone shows how much she loved and trusted our family. But I am unable to stop crying or do anything. I forced myself to go to work today and broke down several times. How can anyone move on after losing their best friend...

Dear, sweet Amanda, I am so sorry about your dear Fiona. I do believe that our pets go to Heaven and their broken bodies are restored. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to cry. You are grieving a very important member of your life. I know that you are hurting and I hurt for you. Know that you are not alone. Folks at this website are very supportive. Try to get some rest and take care of yourself. Peace and blessings. Jennifer in Texas

Dear Amanda,

I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Fiona. I also had to let my Sweetie go this Saturday so believe me when I say I truly can feel your pain. Our dogs go through so many things with us and ask only that we take care of their basic needs and love them. In return, they seem to give us so much it's almost impossible to put into words what they do for us. When we lose them, the hole in our lives is so wide. It's not even a question of how do we fill it. We don't want to fill it. We just want our baby back. And sadly, that's the one thing we cannot have. I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain because for all that the kind people here have said to me, and they have truly been comforting, still my pain is so raw and bone breaking I can barely breathe at times. I know it will get better but for now, it is almost too much to bear. So for now I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. -- Sweetie's Mom

Dear Sweetie's Mom and Jennifer in Texas,

Thank you so much for your kind words and support, it means so much to me. I have found great comfort in this website and finding other people who understand my pain. Although it breaks my heart that you (or anyone) has had to experience the loss of a companion, it helps to know I am not alone. I hope this has been comforting to you as well.

I am still suffering the physical aspects of this loss (i.e. insomnia, lethargy, loneliness etc.) but I know these are normal feelings. I think my loneliness is amplified right now because I am living alone (my boyfriend is in the military and gone for months on end). Earlier this year, my boyfriend and I had been making plans to adopt a dog together so that I would have a companion at home while he was gone, but now that Fiona is gone, I feel I have to halt these plans because it doesn't feel right anymore. The one positive thing that has happened is that my parents, brother, and I have been brought closer together as we share memories of Fiona. Fiona always wanted to keep the whole family together (maybe her herding dog instincts) and I know she would be so happy that she has brought us closer together again.

Sincerest thanks,
Amanda

Thank you so much for your kind words. Thank you most of all for taking the time to listen to my story of sweet Fiona.

Amanda, your grief is still new, but you will know in your heart when it is time to get a new dog. And when you do, you will be saving a life and honoring Fiona's memory. Take care of yourself and have a good day. Jennifer

Im sorry for your last I understand your pain i had my cat for 16 years and last week i had to put her to sleep, like you i also feel guilt for the fact that last week i had to take a test for college to deicde weither or not i would graduate in june and all i kept thinking was that i was angry at her for dying last week making it so hard to concerate on anything. Then i feel like shes angry at me because i couldnt do anything to help her and the feeling sucks. I wish i can tell u time will heal but it doesnt well not for me anyway. But it really just sucks

Hi, Amanda, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Fiona. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Amanda, please permit me to try to offer you some comfort. The love bond you and your beloved Fiona share is eternal - - it is not dependent on the physical laws of time and space. You and your beloved Fiona are eternally united through the deep love in your hearts for one another. No amount of separation can ever change this, as you and your beloved Fiona shared this when you were able to come home for visits and talk to her on the phone. Please rest assured that she recognized your voice and knew beyond all shadow of a doubt what you were saying to her. Although she is no longer physically with you, she is forever in your heart and memories -- her sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will - - she is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Amanda, please let me reassure you that the deep sorrow you are feeling is very normal - - very painful both emotionally and physcially - - but normal. This grief journey is not one of "getting over" or "moving on" - - for these terms imply the ability to FORGET - - and there is NOTHING in heaven or earth that can ever make one FORGET the truest love we will know on this side of eternity - - for you the unconditional love of your beloved Fiona. Rather this grief journey is one of ADJUSTMENT to the physical absence of your beloved Fiona, and this is a very painful adjustment that can only be made one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. There is no date on the calendar you can circle that you can look at and say "this date the pain I am feeling now will go away." But I promise you, Amanda, that one day - - probably when you least expect it - - you will find yourself smiling again - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of your beloved Fiona's sweet Living Spirit and all of the wonderful treasured memories you share together. Yes - - present tense - - SHARE - - because your beloved Fiona is forever alive. She is now healed to her former youthfulness in the company of the angels, and she is keeping faithful watch over you and your family now just as she always did during her earthly journey.

I know these are words - - and I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss you are feeling in your heart right now. But I do hope and pray that as you read these words that you will find some comfort, support, encouragement, and hope that you and your beloved Fiona are still one with another in heart and spirit - - NOTHING can ever take this away from you.

Thank you, Amanda, so very much for sharing your beloved Fiona with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are never alone during your grief journey, Amanda. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Amanda, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I can't tell you just how much I understand what you're going through. I went through a very similar situation with my beloved cat who passed away January 4th. My post is quite sad but if you read it you will see how much I can relate to you. Fiona was very blessed, for even when you were away your parents were taking care of her. She was never alone. You have done so much for her, as much as humanely possible, you and your family. I wish I could comfort you more, I know it does help only to some extent but know I totally understand your experience and wish I could have done more for my cat Ollie like you were able to do. Feel free to write me if you wish, my thoughts are with you and Fiona