hi everyone,

on Sunday, October 2, my world changed. everything was fine, in fact, i was actually finally happy with my life - business was going good, i got new furniture over the summer and i was getting ready to spend another winter at home with pablo.

then something bizarre happened and we had to take pablo to the vet on an emergency call. i wont go into a lot of detail in this post, but he ended up getting a few pain injections and we brought him home and since this had happened a few times in the past, i knew it would take at least another day before he was back to normal.

so comes tuesday and he is fine once again, same ole pablo, barking at everything and everyone.

wednesday morning at 5:30 we are awakened by his pain yelps. that morning i take him to the vet once again. he is given an injection for pain relief and i might add, that i was not even asked, it was just given to him.

i took him home and he acted very strange for the rest of the day. he stood there, staring at me almost all day long. he would not lay down, he would not sit down and he threw up his breakfast at around noon.

thus began the battle.

nothing ever went right after that. after many more trips to the vet and a few day time stays to get hydrated, finally on sunday, they delivered the news to me, rather abruptly i might add, that pablo was suffering from liver failure and that he more than likely had tumors or cancer of the liver and that it was a battle he more than likely would not win, especially since he was a diabetic and had not eaten or had any insulin since wednesday.

i cannot tell you how the shock of the news hit me because i dont want to remember it all i know and remember is that i felt like my world had just died.

i knew that i was going to have to make the decision of whether or not to send him to the big vet college that has all the big mri machines, etc and get a bunch of tests done to him and see what the verdict might be - i knew in my heart that he was too weak to make it that far, i thought about prolonging the inevitable at least a few more days so i could spend them with him, but by sunday night, i knew he was in pain and i knew that it would have to be monday morning, first thing.

i was exhausted, i had spent almost every night for the past week up all night with him - it was gruelling and sad, but i was his mommy after all so i had to be there for him and i wouldnt want it any other way.

i held him and hugged him and talked to him, but i knew he was in so much pain that it probably wasnt registering with him or maybe it was. we had a bond and i know he was leaving it up to me to take care of him.

when it was time to say good bye monday morning i was ok with it at first becasue i knew he was suffering. afterwards, i wrapped him up but kept his head out so i could stroke and kiss it and bury my nose in his fur one last time.

my husband dug his grave after i chose the spot. then when i was ready i wrapped him and carried him out and laid him to rest.

it was one week before i could really go bak out there and at two weeks, i went and finally planted the rose bushes and set up the bird bath i had selected for his grave.

its now been over two weeks and every day i think it will get better, its not. i am in pain and i am lonely. you see, pablo was my world and as lame as that may sound to some people, i loved it. i am alone at home most of the time and he was my buddy for 11 years and he was everything to me.

there have been days where i have felt that if i was dealt with a medical diagnosis telling me i only had a short time to live, i would be fine with that because that meant i would be reunited with my pablo again. i'm not sure that is a very healthy thought....

i miss our routines. i miss how he greeted me every time i came home.

but most of all, i miss how much he loved me, because it was very apparent.

what i fear the most is his memory fading because lets face it, the pets we had years ago that have now gone, arent really that prevelant in our memories anymore are they? once you get another dog, they become part of your world and you love them so much and then slowly, the memory of the last dog starts to fade and i am so afraid of that happening that i dont think iw ill ever be able to have another dog...

i have cats, but they arent very much comfort... lol....

anyways, i'm just a mess. a big emotional mess right now. i'm glad a friend recommended this place, i hope talking about it with others who have lost will help.

First of all, I want to say that I'm so sorry about Pablo. We're never ready to lose them, no matter how long they are with us.

I need to tell you that what you are feeling is normal and you are mentioning things I have thought and still think -
"he was everything to me"
"days where i have felt that if i was dealt with a medical diagnosis telling me i only had a short time to live, i would be fine with that because that meant i would be reunited"
"fear the most is his memory fading"

Tomorrow marks the day I let Misha go 12 weeks ago, and when I lost my Bowie, 2 months ago. They were everything to me. I'm a homemaker and have no children. They were my kids. I have no other pets right now. I'll be honest...I loved Bowie more, and when I lost him, I felt I had nothing, absolutely nothing to live for. I didn't care if I died. Still sometimes don't. So, you're not alone in feeling that way. I don't feel it's healthy either, but I've accepted it's part of this grieving process.

I was so afraid of Bowie's memory fading. The intense feelings I had of love, peace, and of his love for me have faded (as much as I tried to prevent it), but memories are still there. I do still fear that when I've healed enough to get another dog, that dog's memories will replace Bowie's and Misha's. Maybe that won't happen, but to help prevent that, I'm writing (slowly) Misha's and Bowie's life story. I feel like I need to get everything on paper while memories are still intact. I've also been keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings since earlier this year, when Misha was clearly going downhill with her cognitive dysfunction. When I re-read some of those entries, I go right back to where I was at that time. I feel, or at least hope, these journal entries will also help keep those memories with me and be something I can read when I feel I'm disconnecting from Misha or Bowie.

And, I still cry every night in bed while trying to fall asleep. I thought I was okay for a week or two there, and then it all came back again. From reading other posts here, I've accepted that this is normal, as is all the other weird thoughts and things I have done in the last couple of months.

I sought out local, in-person pet loss support groups in my area and found that talking about my pups helped me a little. Listening to other people's stories and what they were going through was also helpful. Others were saying what I was thinking.

You'll also find that kind of support here, but I felt I needed a little more help, so I looked for it.

Again, I'm so sorry about Pablo and I know how much you are hurting right now. I didn't come out of the fog, or become a functional human for 3-4 weeks after Bowie's loss. I'm still working on creating a new routine, a new "normal".

Know that I'm thinking of you.

Misha's (and Bowie's) Mommy

thank you misha's mommy for taking the time to write. i really do appreciate it.

i lost max, my cat of 12 years in May so i really thought i was 'safe' for a while. i was not prepared for this (is anyone?).

i was able to survive max's passing because i had pablo - i have been able to survive everything over the last 11 years because i had pablo.

shortly after his passing, i had the urge to get another bichon puppy, just so i could see his face again, i just had this overwhelming urge to hold and squeeze a dog that at least looked like him. i'm glad though i restrained myself because i think in reality it would have been too much to bear.

i'm sorry for your losses as well, if i can ever return the favor and listen to your stories and offer support, i will try to be there for you!

Hi, pablosmom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Pablo. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Pablosmom, please let me try to reassure you that, no matter how much time continues in your earthly journey and the opportunity to share your heart and life with other companions, your beloved Pablo will ALWAYS be a part of you. I still remember my little kitty brother of when I was a little girl so many, many, many, many - - well, many - - years ago. I remember the little kittens who came into our house temporarily but were adopted out because my parents didn't want them. I remember all the strays that came looking for a home only to be told they had to go somewhere else. I remember the kitty that came into our home when I was a young teenager which we inherited from a family member, and I remember her feline "suitor" from a neighbor's house. I remember the little kitten who this kitty adopted only to have him murdered by the neighborhood hoodlums, and watching my little kitty sister grieve for her adopted brother. I remember the kitty that came into my life when my mother was battling cancer, and the canine companion who was a gift to me from my mom when I moved into my first house. And then there are my beloved companions who have more recently joined the angels. Each and every one of them are FOREVER a part of my heart, my life, and my memories. None of them have ever been a REPLACEMENT for the companions who were no longer physically with me. I can only hope that, in time as your deep grief eases, you will come to know this, too, and you will be able to find some peace in your heart.

Only YOU will know when / if it is the "right time" to embrace another companion into your heart and home. Some people find that adopting another companion quickly is right for them. Some people prefer to wait until their deep grief eases but are able to foster homeless waifs temporarily and / or pet sit for family members or friends which helps to bridge the feelings of emptiness and loneliness. And some people never adopt again - - for whatever reasons - - nor do they foster or pet sit. Whatever YOU decide, Pablosmom, is the RIGHT decision for you.

Misha's Mommy has so comfortingly reassured you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal - - and she is absolutely right. This grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions, and it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. There are so many emotions that we feel during this journey, emotions that can overwhelm us and sometimes all at one time that we find it very hard to know which way is up - - and out - - of the darkness of grief and despair that seems we have no control over. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

I wish there were an easier way through this adjustment journey, but unfortunately there is no "fast forward" or "delete" button to press to speed up the process - - or eliminate it. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone during your journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here, Pablosmom.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Pablo with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of him with us -- but only when / if you are ready. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, pablosmom, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Pablo's Mom.

Please accept my deepest sympathy for the devastating loss of your amazing Pablo. He sounds like such an incredible little guy!

I lost my beloved Trevor (the bravest little dog that ever lived) 14 weeks ago tomorrow. And I can truly say that Trevor sent me here today. I usually don't come to this site until the nighttime, which is the hardest time for me. But I found a stack of papers that were print outs of the initial pages from this site after Trevor died. I started reading them and found that, indeed, my pain has not decreased as I thought it had and I was eternally grateful that I had printed every page from every one of "my" topic sites, so far. And I came here to tell Trevor, once again, how much I loved him and missed him. And here you were!

You are worried that you will "forget" Pablo, that his memory will fade, perhaps even disappear. I can reassure you, this will NOT happen. I have been the proud mother of 6 C-o-c-k-e-r Spaniels who are now living beyond the Rainbow Bridge in Heaven. I remember each and every one of them as if they were here with me today. Oh, I do not remember everything and wish I had had the foresight that Misha's and Bowie's mom has to write their stories down. But I definitely remember many, many incidents (Birney eating part of my wedding cake right off the table) (Kelly wanting my dirty socks every night to hold in his mouth for hours - new socks were no good) (Rudy getting tired of mom constantly petting and touching him when he was lying down, so he would simply get up and move some place else and lie back down) (Crocker wanting to "talk" to me on the phone every day when I called home from work) (Jasper running right through our screen door chasing a squirrel on the fence) (and Trevor.....well, you can read all about him all over this site). No, Pablo's Mom, the important memories (and they are all important) will never leave you. They may take a back seat to other thoughts, but they are just a thought away, that's all).

You can help yourself make this a reality by finding ways that fit you best to keep Pablo's memory alive. I send Trevor a love note on this site every night that I can. I sleep with a piece of his blanket and a small picture of him. I have pictures, actually of all my dogs, on top of the piano and extra pics of Trevor in just about every room. I visit Trevor and my other boys, who are buried at the local Humane Society Cemetery, almost every day. I go there so often, the director moved a bench closer to "our" spot so I could sit for as long as I wanted. (I'm disabled) Doing these things are very comforting for me also. My husband is very understanding and he and I still call our new rescue little boy, "Trevor" even though his name is Dreamer - and we don't correct each other.

This grief journey, how can I say this?, has been described as a Roller Coaster from Hell. The ups are OK, but the downs are.................! But there are a couple things to hold onto, if you'd like. One is knowing that Pablo is completely healthy again, feeling fine, eating, no diabetes either and he has hooked up with his borther/sister, the Cat you lost so many years ago. Not only that, but he has been welcomed by every single creature in Heaven or whatever you call that Wonder Place. I know each of my boys has said hello (including my two canaries). And I also know that Pablo is bragging all over the place about his mom - YOU! He is patiently waiting for you and , in the mean time, he's going to tell every individual animal about you and how much he loves you! Second, you are NEVER alone. There are many, many wonderful people here to comfort you, listen to you, support you, help you and just "be there" for you 24/7. Lean on us when you need to. WE have all been in your shoes. And, when you are ready, please tell us more about Pablo.

I thank you for writing your posts. I look forward to hearing how you are doing and will be here for you any time.

Blessings...............
Bobbie (Trevor's mom)

Hi Pablo's Mom,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I really related to your post because I feel like I have built my whole life around my dogs and so your sentiment that he was your whole world really struck home with me. I haven't worked in years due to health issues and live a pretty isolated life. My dog is very much my whole life. While I do have family, my social life has dwindled and without my fur baby, my life ceases to have any meaning or structure to it. When I lost my last baby several years ago, Jack, I was so lost, I pretty much didn't get out of bed, not just from grief, but because I had no reason to. So you see, you aren't the only one to feel that way. As Misha said, no this is probably not healthy, but I think for those of us who for whatever reason don't get out into the world much or have a lot of people in our lives, our animals give us that unconditional love and acceptance that we all need in this world. When we lose it as is inevitable because sadly, their lifespans are so much shorter than ours in most cases, it is sometimes a loss of our one or one of our only true friends. Friendship really does cross the species divide and anyone who has had a relationship with an animal knows that. It is a loss that we learn to live with but not necessarily recover from.

As for forgetting Pablo, I do believe that we may forget the details as time goes on - at least I have forgotten many of the details, to my immense frustration. I have had 7 dogs over the past 25 years (several at the same time) and as time passes after they have crossed over, I will honestly say there are things that I can't remember. What I have found helpful is writing things down in a journal and with my current companion, Sweetie, I am trying to make an effort to write things down now, sort of to keep a keepsake for later -- not in a morbid way, but more like a remembrance of all the cute little things she does that I know may fade with time because at least for me, my memory just doesn't retain everything. You may want to take some of this time now to write your memories of Pablo while they are still fresh and you may find that this helps you as you go through your feelings of loss and grief.

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

see, here's the thing - when i found teddy (another bichon) on the side of the road and took him in back in 1991, i fell in love with him and he was everything to me. just as i now feel about pablo, i felt about teddy. then when i moved to england in 1999 and had to rehome teddy, i thought i would die. literally.

teddy died a little over a year later - i always felt so guilty about this because i do think that it was in part due to a broken heart. i have never gotten over this but instead buried it deep within me. i rarely talk about teddy because the pain is still there. teddy was and always will be one in a million, at the time i had to rehome him, i never thought i would recover.

right before teddy died, i was desperately wanting that 'attachment' again so i found a bichon puppy - i decided i wanted to see what teddy may have been like as a puppy and i liked the breed so i went with another bichon.

thus, i became the mommy to pablo and therein grew a deep intense love for this new baby and over the years, teddy's memory faded and the strong feelings i had for him began being replaced by the overwhelming love i had for pablo. pablo became the apple of my eye and everything was pablo this and pablo that.

i never had children (not that i need an excuse for these feelings, but i do feel it is a part of the reason why i have become so attached to the 'mommy' role with my pets) and doted all my attention and love to my cats and pablo.

over the last 4 years i started working from home and became even closer to pablo (if that was even possible!) and i tell you this, i loved being home with him - i absolutely loved the fact that i could take him out peepee at any time he wanted and for a while there we used to sit outside in the morning and have my coffee. i would just sit there in my lounge chair, taking in all the morning sounds and he would lay between my legs, half on the chair and half on me, for as long as i was there, so would he be. he never left my side. i almost hated getting up from my desk to go to the bathroom because i knew as settled in as he was in his bed (under my desk) he would always follow me.

so yes, while i will always have a special place in my heart for teddy, but if i were to die today, i would first go looking for pablo . . .

i know that while his death is still very fresh, my feelings are very strong. i know that with time, the wounds will begin to heal and i will feel differently - BUT I DONT WANT TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY!

i still want him to be my first thought in the morning and i want to be reunited with him if there ever is that chance....

i know i may not be making sense, and i guess the best solution is to not ever get another dog, but i am barely 49 so i have a feeling within another year i may change my mind but right now, its a big no.

i dont think its healthy to try to hold on to the intense memories and feelings because i dont think my mind will allow it and trying to fight it will only make me miserable....

so that's why i am afraid. i am afraid that the intenseness of his memories will fade and i will move on because right now i dont want that to happen....

boy, i am rambling arent i, i just have so many feelings going through me, a whole bunch of guilt and a lot of 'maybe if i had . . . . '

time, all it will take is time i guess - i think i am answering my own questions! in time i will probably want that attachment again and will probably get another dog, and then that dog will be my world and so on and so on and so on........

its just hard for me to think that some day there will be another intense love and pablo's memory will begin to fade a bit.

thanks for letting me ramble.... i'm probably not sounding very coherent right now.....

I'm so sorry about Pablo ((((((hugs)))))

I lost my Ginger very quickly and unexpectedly on Sept. 28, she went from being a perfectly healthy dog to gone in just a handful of hours. It's never easy, no matter how they go.

I feared the whole memory fading thing too, so immediately the next day, even though I was sobbing so hard I could barely see the computer monitor, I started a list of everything I could remember about Ginger, no matter how trivial or unimportant it seemed. Every nickname, every facial expression, every behavior in any given situation, memories of events and special moments, the sound of her lapping up water in the bowl (she always did it in a triplelate rhythm, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, lol), just everything. Over the last month my husband and I have been adding to The Ginger List as memories come up. I also organized all my photos on the computer of her into one folder just for her. I want to create a photo slideshow set to music someday, when I'm a bit emotionally stronger.

Maybe making a list like this for Pablo will help. I find that once a thought is written down in detail, the memory sticks with you better in the future. You can go back and revisit each memory and as you read the words it will bring up a host of other associations too.

Dear PablosMom....I am so sorry for your loss of Pablo....Bichons are so cute.....About remembering everything, I think you will always remember the most important things....Gingerella72 has a good idea about writing memories down while they're fresh in your mind and organizing pictures.

We lost our Mickey(Maltese/Pekingese) last Feb. and right now I don't want to get another dog. I want his memories fresh in my mind because he was so very special. We lost our little MaltiPoo, Annie, in 2001 and Mickey was offered to us 5 months later. She was special too, but as we started caring for and loving Mickey, some of her memories began to fade. But we always remember the very important things. Now that both our babies are gone, I keep remembering things about Annie too. I feel their Spirits in the house, especially Mickey's.

PablosMom, I hope you get to feeling better soon and remember the fun things that make you smile, not easy, I know. You are in my thoughts and prayers....Hugs..

LoveMyMickey

pablosmom - you continue to say things that I feel and felt in those first few weeks after losing my Bowie. Your words make complete sense to me. I remember being so afraid of forgetting that intenseness, and I felt it and his presence slipping away, every day. I was angry it was fading. I was afraid that it was fading. I didn't want it to.

You say "i know that while his death is still very fresh, my feelings are very strong. i know that with time, the wounds will begin to heal and i will feel differently - BUT I DONT WANT TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY!"

I felt this way. I felt that I was closer to him while I was in that place, and I didn't want to leave it. I didn't want to get better, or to feel better. I thought of Misha and Bowie when I woke in the morning - they were my first thought, and immediately the tears began flowing because I realized they were gone, and I had no reason to get up. Bowie's intense love was gone. They aren't my first thought every morning now. I didn't like it when I realized it was happening, but I couldn't stop it. I had a lot of anger in my 4th-6th weeks, and I'm sure that the fading intensity contributed to it. I started journaling in bed in the mornings - right after waking up. I needed to find something to focus on, even if it was through intense sobbing. Mornings and bedtimes were the worst times for me. This support group, pet loss books, and local support groups helped.

You and Pablo sitting outside in your chair, with Pablo half on you - Oh, that is something that Bowie and I used to do, mostly in the evenings. We did it a lot in those 6 weeks after his cancer diagnosis. I took photos of him sitting with me. I remember watching him scent the air and watching the birds flying over him. I miss that. I barely go outside now. I haven't sat in that chair since I lost him.

My identity was "dog mom". That's what I was. I couldn't imagine being without a companion and I never understood when people said they couldn't get another after losing their pup. In the days following Bowie's death, I finally understood why. I have mixed feelings about getting another dog. I can't right now. Misha had been going downhill for the last couple of years and I was putting a lot of time into her. It was very stressful; she had one problem after another for the last 2.5 years. Our life was on hold; so was Bowie's. Misha had a knee ligament tear in Aug 2009, which stopped all hiking trips for us - something we used to do all the time. She had multiple mini-strokes last year and the fear of her having a major stroke while I/we were gone scared me to death, so we barely went anywhere. Then she started having bowel accidents in the house when we were gone- another reason not to leave home much. Bowie was cheated out of a lot over the last 2 years and I always planned to make it up to him. We knew Misha didn't have much time left, so my husband and I were planning trips and so many other things to do with Bowie over the next couple of years. I always thought he'd be with me until he was at least 12. I was so looking forward to fun times with my Bowie. Time to heal and focus on him after letting Misha go. Time to recover from the stress over the last couple of years. I was so looking forward to a couple of fun, easy years with him. With that cardiac HSA diagnosis, those plans vanished and my world fell apart.

The thought of bringing another dog into my life scares me. My husband and I are talking about getting a puppy in the spring. I do want another dog, another Vizsla, like Bowie. But, puppies are so much work. Bowie was so obedient, so easy to train as a pup. I don't know if I'll be that lucky again. Just 3 months ago, I was looking forward to spending time with an easy, very well behaved 9 year old. I'm also so afraid to love that deeply again. I'm afraid that I'll be replacing Bowie's memories with this new pup's. I'm afraid I'll be looking for him in that pup and will be disappointed. I'm afraid of all these things, and more, because I know it will happen. I'll think of Bowie less and the new pup will become the center of my world, as Bowie was. I don't want it to happen, but I know it will. It scares me because right now, I don't want another dog, I still want my Bowie. I understand what you are feeling. But, I don't think the important memories will ever fade away.

I also did what Ginger's mom did. There's a post I made to Bowie in the Tributes section of this forum. I noted everything I could think of that I missed about him that day. I didn't want to forget. I've put many more in my journal.

As Ginger's mom said, maybe noting down these memories and journaling could help with some of your fears. I think they helped me be less afraid of losing that intensity, because I had my thoughts and feelings down on paper and in forums.

Misha's (and Bowie's) Mommy

Hello Pablosmom,

Today is another day for you to grapple with the myriad of emotions running through your mind, heart and soul. I am still so sorry for your loss and offer my friendship and support.

As I mentioned yesterday, I've had 6 C spaniels and am with #7 right now. I have not written about any of my boys, to any great extent, but i'm sure once I got started, it wouldn't take long to make those lists, as Gingerella72 is doing. Maybe one day I will. Perhaps memories do fade, but I look at the memories, especially the intense ones surrounding Teddy and Pablo as "softening", rounding out the sharp and painful edges, so that you can begin to smile at first, then maybe give a little laugh about an antic you remember and then, perhaps, finally laugh out loud.

DO NOT WORRY, Pablo's mom, about so much about the future, right now. Living in the present moment is hard enough on you, without anticipating what might be in the future. To me, that's far too much for your heart to bear. Do not worry about "feeling differently" in the future. The present is how you are feeling now and THAT is what is important. He WILL be your first thought in the morning for as long as you want him to be. And he'll be there in the afternoon, evening, night, etc. Trevor is with me 24/7, even though I have not had the priveledge of sensing his presence as others have felt their own companions. But, then I've never "felt" any of my boys' actual presence. But I KNOW that they are with me, and especially Trevor. How can that be when I have a new rescue dog? I don't know, really, I don't. But I DO know that Trevor is first in my mind every day. Dreamer is a wonderful English C Spaniel, energetic, gets into mischief, takes me on long walks, etc., but he's not Trevor, nor will he ever be Trevor. Loving Dreamer is coming easier all the time, but it is NOT changing how I feel about Trevor. Does that make sense?

You can make all the decisions about getting another dog or not, now, but don't be surprised (or angry at yourself or disappointed, etc.) if you change your mind over and over again. This is not necessarily the time to make major decisions. This advice is one of the first given to most widows and widowers and it's really the same for you and me. Yes, you are definitely young enough to have at least one more dog, if that turns out to be the case, but, again, do not worry about that right now. And, if, like me, you get a dog sooner than you thought you would, do not worry about that and do not see the dog as "replacing" Pablo. No dog replaces another. Each dog is as individual as the snowflakes that fall from the sky every winter.

Dear Pablosmom, your feelings are not going to change that fast, especially since you had such an intense bond with Pablo. Time moves at different speeds for each one of us. My speed seems quite slow, compared to others, but when I think about it, Trevor hasn't been gone very long at all. Time will move, and heal, at that which is best for YOU! I am OK with my speed. One day, you will be, too. But for now, do what you need and want to do for YOURSELF! If that means thinking about Pablo all the time - fine. Crying? I've cried so much I call it "leaky eyes" now - my eyes leak all the time. Talking about Pablo? Please do, by all means! I know we on this site would love to hear about him.

Members of Lightning-Strike are here for YOU. Let us help carry this enormous burden, we all have "been there, done that", probably in many ways you would be surprised to hear about. Take care of yourself for a bit today and know that we are all thinking about you and Pablo (and Teddy) and are sending peace and comfort your way.

Blessings...................................
Bobbie

i feel like i have answered my own problem/question.

when i was leaving teddy with his new family, i was worried then that his memory would fade and i was equally worried the pain would damage my soul/heart. i felt deep down that nothing would ever take his place, he was after all, irreplaceable.

the prospect of living a life without him sent me into a depression that took me a very long time to get out of.

yet, i did.

one year later i opened up my heart and got pablo. i had 11 wonderful years with him and loved him more than life itself.

i know the kind of person i am and i know that i cannot close my heart down and refuse to open it up. i know that some day, may it be next month or next year, i will open up my heart again and bring another dog home to live with and i will love that dog as much as i have loved in the past, they will get my full and open heart, because that is in my nature and that is what they deserve.

will i have the same closeness i had with pablo, with another dog?

probably.

our hearts are built to heal, they may feel like they are broken, but in time, they heal and while we will never forget our past loves, we move on and build again.

today i feel broken.

tomorrow is another step closer to healing and i know that pablo would never want to see me this sad.

Hello Pablosmom!

What courageous words and tremendous insight you have!

I am sorry you feel broken and don't know how long that will continue, but I will be with you all that time. Already I can read the healing begin for you. You are an amazing person!

Have a peaceful night and a good tomorrow. Pablo is right there with you. So is Teddy.

Blessings........................
Bobbie

thank you all for your wonderful words and insight.

this is an extremely difficult journey for me (as it is for everyone i am sure), but it is one i know i will get through, i have to have this thought or i will go completely mad with sadness.

while the days are not becoming easier, they are, however, becoming more tolerable. i am not looking forward to the holidays as i had plans to be cuddled up with the fluffy one (we took a nap together every afternoon), enjoying the fire while the cold outside would soon become unbearable, decorating for christmas, and letting him sample my cooking.

i know that our minds play tricks on us when we are this susceptible to 'signs' but while i was sitting at my desk the other day, i could have sworn i heard his trademark 'sigh' when he was settling down to nap while i would be working away. this freaked me out a little, there is no other explanation for this sound, no other animals were in the room at the time, maybe he is still with me in spirit, i sure hope so.

i would trade all my possessions for more time with him.

the bad moments are finding something of pablo's still in the place he left it, or his treat jar on the counter top, his shampoo on the side of the tub, or his collar.

i have not thrown out his treats. my god he lived for his treats!

even though i have fixed up his grave, i cannot bring myself to be out there. i am surprised, i really thought i would find some peace by being out there, but i'm just not there yet i guess.

he had so many nick names: pooh bear, baby kitty (he has always thought he was a cat), poohblo, sweetie pie. i miss using those names.

i never had to call him though, cause he always wanted to be where i was, and that is something i really miss. i miss being in the kitchen and watching him walk in to see what i was cooking . . .

i miss the looks he used to give me, they could melt a man in armour!

i miss how smart he was, boy, all i had to do was think about giving him a bath and if i came anywhere near him, he would run and hide under the bed..... he was a smart little boy.

Dear Pablosmom.

OF COURSE, the sigh you heard was Pablo's Spirit at your side. Many, many people are reassured by their now-Spirit dogs/cats, etc. that they are still together, but in Spirit, not physical bodies. How strong the love-bond is between Pablo and you! He's already reaching out to you!

I have to go for now, but will check in with you later. Hang in there, my friend. WE are all with you on your journey!



Blessings...................
Bobbie

PablosMom, I agree with Bobbie, that was Pablo's spirit. Our Mickey has been gone 8 months and we still hear or feel things. My husband is always hearing things because Mickey would take his afternoon nap on the bed with him. The other day my husband thought he heard Mickey getting a drink of water (we always kept a bowl in the bedroom).

I still have his treats (he loved Pupperoni treats) in the kitchen cabinet and some of his toys are still out and also one of his fluffy beds...........Sounds like your Pablo had a personality like Mickey, especially coming in the kitchen to see what's cooking. Like you, I don't look forward to the holidays, especially Christmas.

Pablo'sMom, I hope each day brings you more peace. Thank you for sharing......God Bless..

LoveMyMickey

Hi, pablosmom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Bobbie has so comfortingly reassured you that your beloved Pablo is still with you, - - as you heard his sweet sigh the other day. At first moments like this can be unsettling, but I hope you will begin to feel comforted by them. Even though we are physically separated from our beloved companions their sweet Living Spirit continues to share our earthly journey just as they always have and always will. No matter how much time we have with our beloved companions during our earthly journey an eternity with them will never be long enough. But one day at your appropriate time you will be reunited with your beloved Pablo in eternal joy - - never to be separated again.

The holidays, the anniversaries, the birthdays, the vacations - - each and every day is a reminder that your beloved Pablo is not physically with you to share the events. We live in a physical-oriented world ruled by the senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. When our companions are physically with us they share our daily routines, and we are blessed with being able to touch them, to hear them, to see them, - - to share the physical world with them. When they precede us to the angels, it is a very difficult and painful adjustment in our lives not having their precious physical presence with us. Nothing is the same - - for when they came into our lives our lives were changed for the better, and when they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. This time, however, we are blessed with treasured memories of their earthly journey with us, and hopefully, somehow, as the holidays approach your heart will be able to find comfort with your beloved Pablo's eternal love reaching across to you from heaven's perfect garden.

I hope today is treating you kindly, pablosmom. Thank you for sharing your beloved Pablo with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, pablosmom, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Pablo. I know exactly what you mean about the fear of feeling different about him than you do right now. The pain of our loss hurts but sometimes the easing of the pain hurts too. But it doesn't mean you love him any less as you recover. He wouldn't want you to be unhappy and unable to go on without him.
One of my Yorkies passed 3 months ago today and I try to talk about her with my family every day because I am so scared of forgetting something about her. She was such a precious little soul.
I'm glad to see you think you will want another dog at some point. I too have known many people who say they can't stand to ever lose another pet so they never take another little furbaby into their lives. I'm not judging anybody who can't cope with the fear of grieving again. But I, and many on this forum, have realized that we would never have wanted to miss a single day we had with our babies, no matter how painful it was to lose them. They were worth everything we have had to go through. And I would never want to deprive some future pet of a good home because I was afraid of losing them.
Hoping you have better days ahead as you deal with your grief. And you will know someday when the time is right to honor your dear Pablo by giving a wonderful home to another sweet furbaby. We know the babies we have already had can NEVER be replaced and our precious departed pets know that we are not replacing the love we have for them. Your sweet Pablo is happy and healthy, playing with all our babies who are now young and well again, and he still loves you very much.
Sending healing thoughts to you.

having a bad day. last night i tossed and turned and kept waking up thinking about pablo.

i did everything i could to protect him over the years, yet in his last days, i could do nothing and this kills me.

i was an over protective mom actually. i would never let him outside alone for more than 5 minutes, even though he was in his own fenced in yard, i always worried about someone coming by and stealing him. i worried about him all the time and spent a lot of time making sure nothing would ever happen to him. i was the proverbial overprotective mom and my husband never understood this.

i get through a few hours of the day without thinking about him so much and the fact that i cannot cuddle with him or see his cute and funny face, then it hits me again and the sadness floods me in a huge tidal wave.

its so extreme, the sadness. its like these big huge waves, i just want one more cuddle, why can't i have one more cuddle????? why why why???? i want to see him well, i dont want to see him like i did in the last few days, even though this all happened within a week, the last two days were awful.

i was in a store on saturday with my husband and we were getting some stuff taken care of and i just started crying - he looked away cause he just cannot understand this. to him, its done and over and pablo is nothing more than a good memory - for me, a part of me is gone, my life just doesnt feel the same and i just feel dont feel right. if i start to feel a little happy about something or get my mind on something else, then i feel guilty and i feel like i should be thinking about him every minute.

when my dad died, i was ok within a few days, sure i miss him, but my grief was nothing like this.....

the other day i found a very small video i had taken on my phone, i was videoing some geese that had landed on our pond and i was out walking pablo - i can see pablo walking around and its really difficult watching him move, its one thing to see pictures, but its another thing ot see him so full of life. i had forgotten i even had that video.

I'm not looking forward to the holidays, either. I'm not giving candy out to trick-or-treaters tonight; my husband and I are going to dinner and a movie. We won't be at home and won't be celebrating Christmas and New Year's. I'm not in the mood for celebration. Thanksgiving, though, I can't wiggle out of.

I couldn't do much in my kitchen for the first month. My husband wasn't too happy with that, but the dogs were ALWAYS in the kitchen with me, sampling stuff. It hurt too much for me to be in there. I had been home-cooking for Bowie for weeks because the tumor was upsetting his digestive system. Being in there afterwards, it was too hard. Making my coffee in the morning was difficult. Bowie loved half and half and got some every morning when I got it out for my coffee. I couldn't touch eggs until recently because it was one of the things I frequently made for him. Every time I forced myself to go in there, though, it hurt less.

I also had so many of those waves of extreme sadness. I'd cry so hard that I could barely breathe sometimes. They've gotten less frequent, but I still have them. Sleep did not come easily for me. I still sleep less than I did before I lost them. I think of them at night and can't fall asleep. For the first month, they were my first thought when waking, even if I woke at 2 am, and I'd be unable to go back to sleep. I didn't want to even go to bed until I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. That's the only way I knew I'd be able to fall asleep without crying myself to sleep. I watched a lot of late night tv and pre-recorded movies. It's only been about a week now where I've actually slept through the night without waking.

I had a lot of anger toward my husband in the weeks following Bowie's death. We couldn't understand each other. He seemed to be over it within a couple of days. All I wanted to do was talk about them and he'd always change the subject! I couldn't understand it! He didn't want to talk about them and he didn't want me to be sad or cry for them after a couple of weeks. It led to me being short with him and I wasn't a pleasant person to be around. But, books and support groups were telling me that I was grieving the way I needed to grieve and that's what got me through it. After about a month, at some point when I wasn't feeling so emotional, we talked, and he told me he just wanted to figure out a way to fix it for me and that he was frustrated that he couldn't. He told me that he was trying not to think about it, about them, and was trying to think about the future - the complete opposite of the way I was dealing with it. I told him he couldn't fix it and I also accepted that he was completely different, that he was done grieving, and we'd just never be able to understand each other when it came to that. I do know that he misses them, though, and thoughts of them, when they were healthy and things were good, do make him sad.

And the guilt you feel when you think about something else, or feel happy, is a normal part of this. I had a lot of that.

I hope something I wrote helps you. Know that I'm thinking of you.

Misha's (and Bowie's) Mommy

still trying to get past this struggle to at least have a day without crying, its been 4 weeks yet i feel like i am still experiencing a bit of shock, still can't believe he is gone. i got a kitten 3 weeks ago to help the older two cats, i thought bringing a bit of life into the house would make them happy and maybe bring a few smiles to everyone - and of course it did, i mean, who can resist a kitten, right?

last week i decided i would get a puppy, another bichon. i thought having a likeness of pablo around would help and i desperately wanted to form that bond again.

i thought i was ready and picked one up, a little boy and i named him woody.

but i felt no joy. sure he was cute, but looking at him was a constant reminder of pablo and the fact that he is no longer here. i dont know if it was just too soon, but i did not feel it was right. i kept looking at him expecting to see pablo and maybe subconciously trying to resurrect him.

its also been 11 years since i have dealt with a puppy and the training and all that, and while it probably could have been a good way of getting my mind off pablo, it was just too much for me, both mentally and physically.

i returned the puppy the next day and cried teh whole way there. he kept looking at me, and giving me those 'puppy pablo' eyes, i thought i was going to die but i think it was for the best. Either i am just not ready, or pablo was it for me.

i thought about the puppy all night and wondered if i had made the right decision, the breeder offered to keep him for a few weeks but i declined. it didnt feel right then and i am not sure it will feel right in a few weeks and i would hate to think she would turn someone else away who wanted him.

if in the future i do decide to get another, i am doubtful i will be getting a bichon - as much as i love the breed, its too difficult to see the likeness of pablo in another dog - it was almost spooky how similar they looked and i felt that in a way, it almost took away from the uniqueness i felt about pablo.

the intense closeness i felt for pablo is starting to fade and that makes me sad and a bit panicky. i have been trying to hold on as tight as i could since it happened and i am in fear - but the mind has a way of doing this regardless of how hard we try, its the only way we can survive the loss and move on, because otherwise life would be too sad.

i'm taking it day by day and starting to smile a little more, the cats are actually coming out of their shell a bit more because even though they 'tolerated' pablo, i think they are enjoying a dog free zone.

so that's my update. it does get better and even though for a while there i didnt want it to get better, i am glad it is now. that sadness is utterly horrible and i still miss him terribly but i have to get on with life and i know that some day we will be together again and that consoles me.

Hi, pablosmom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. You did the RIGHT thing for you in surrendering Woody back to the breeder so that he can find a loving forever home. It is not unusual to go through this type of experience. Last summer, 2010, I thought I would be able to bring a baby kitten home for my Noah to mentor, but Noah wanted no part of him. I returned the kitten to the vet so that he could find a loving forever home. Since then it is just my Noah and me, and this is how it will be through the rest of Noah's life. Since I am much older now and have physical challenges which will only become more challenging as I get older my little Noah will be my last furchild.

The point of my sharing this with you is that only YOU can decide what is best for you. Perhaps in time you will be able to enjoy the company of another canine companion - - or not. Whatever decision you make, pablosmom, will be the RIGHT one for you.

Some people think that if the sadness eases that they are forgetting their beloved companion. I promise you, pablosmom, this will never happen - - you will ALWAYS remember your beloved Pablo because he is forever a part of you. As the sadness eases we are able to once again embrace the many treasured memories of our beloved companions - - and feel the warmth of their sweet Living Spirit with us continuing to share our earthly journey just as they always have and always will. I hope and pray this will happen for you, pablosmom.

Thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I hope today is being kind to you, and that you are finding comfort with your feline companions. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, pablosmom, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam