Dear world,

First of all I want everyone to know that I was an extrememly passionate dog groomer for 51/2 yrs, until this horrific death in my pup. I strarted working @ this grooming salon close to home for about 5 mths. I bring my little chihuahua, bear, to work with me about almost once a week. He's been getting out of the house lately. My parents came into town. So I decided to take him to work with me so he doesn't get out of the house if my parents opened the door. This all happened on 10/6/2011. Bear usually stay by my station. I was grooming a dog and an owner walked in to pick up her 2 dogs and one was a lab mix and the receptionist was out back room checking on the dogs. So I took the owner to the back to show her her lab cause he was playing with other dogs and she was happy hear that. I had a dog in my arms that I was grooming. As soon as the owner and her unleashed pups was walking out to the grooming area with the receptionist, I was right behind, I noticed that lab mix was in my pups face (bear does not like other dogs most likely bigger dogs in his face, so he will show teeth and growl), I know bear growled and showed his teeth. I said "no!!!". I had to put the pup I was holding down. I heard bear screaming, and all I can see was the lab mix biting a few times but not shaking him. I picked up bear and said "he's bleeding!!!". Blood was gushing out by his his stomach. I grabbed a towel and wrapped him, @ the same time I heard the owner of the lab say "apply pressure". She also said her dog never done anything like that before. I ran out, and was panicking. I was telling the receptionist we have to go to a vet right away (I dont know any vet close by). I had bear wrapped up with his head on my chest. Bear took 3-4 deep breaths and I said "he's breathing!!". When bear stop taking deep breath, his head dangled on my arm and I assumed he was dead which he was. I screamed " he's dead!". The receptionist said he's not. We got in the car as I was holding bear in my arms, and the receptionist rushed me to a vet she knew. Got to the vet, ran inside and said I had an emegengcy, my dog was attacked and the vets receptionist said go to room 4 which I rushed in. I put bear on the table and I sat in a chair while the vet and vet tech unwrapped the towel. I knew bear was gone once the towel was unwrapped and saw near released his feces and I just broke down horrifically in tears.

Bear was only 6yrs old. I thought he was going to grow old with me. I've made the decision to get him cremated and get him back in an urn with a clayed paw print (waiting for it).

While in the room @ the vet with bear, I didn't want to let go. I was in there for about 2 hr with him. Then went home and went back with my Sis and stayed for about another 1 1/2 - 2hrs. We didn't want to let go, but we knew we couldn't take him home like this.

We do have 3 other pups @ home.

I am greiving and trying to cope. My family in town is helping a bit, but once they go home, I don't kno what or how to cope.

The next morning after everything, I've been thinking and made a decision to completely stop grooming dogs including some dogs I've groomed @ home for friend and old clients. I did inform them and they let me know the understand. Now I have no occupation. But I can't see myself working with animals knowing that I couldn't protect my own. I didn't know if I was being selfish or not. But I feel its time for me to move on ( not sure what am going to do).

Bear did not deserve to die this way. I ask myself, what did I do to deserve this?. He was my comfort. He weighed 4.5lbs (sometimes 5lbs if I spoiled him with treats). I took him everywhere when I felt alone, he made me feel safe. He was one of a kind. He was such a good boy. He groomed our other 3 pups. He was everything to me. My other pups means everything to me as well, but they are not as small as bear and not as well behaved, so I couldn't take the everywhere with me. I have a doggy bag in my trunk just incase bears runs out of the house while I'm going somewhere I'll just take him along. He was so spoiled. All my friends, family, & old employers knows bear bery well including my 3 pups. There are many many people that does not know that he is no longer with us.

I can't face the world. I only can face my siblings, parents, nephews, and boyfriend. When we have guest over, I won't come out the room.

Last night we took my nephews to Disneyland. They say Disneyland is suppose to be the happiest place on earth, but it wasn't for me. When I was there, I wanted to scream. I've been wanted to scream off the top of my lungs. But I would hold it back. Then I would cry a little and it makes me feel better.

I thought I was going crazy because a couple of days ago, I was surfing the net, and found preserving your pet. I thought to myself, should I do that so I can still pet bear and take him around. But I decide I shouldn't do that. I ask myself, is bear upset with me? It wasn't his time to go. Did he want me to cremate him or did he want to be burried? I don't know. I just want to do the right thing. I want bear to be happy even he's not presence with us anymore. I love him so much. I can't live without him. I don't know what to do. I feel I don't deserve to be happy. I feel it's all my fault, I shouldn't have taken him to work with me. Im getting mixed emotions. I'm feeling angry with myself and everyone else and it's not fair to them. I'm lost.

I'm tired. Thank you for taking your time to read this long long venting letter.

Dear Missingmybaby, I am so sorry for this dreadful thing - it is so hard to lose our furry children, but your experience is extra hard. You are not going crazy - this is such a serious, real and damaging thing you have seen and experienced, your grief journey has so many added dimensions. I know Bear does not blame you for anything, you loved him and gave him the very best life - I so wish and hope that life is even just the littlest bit better for you today, that the world gives you even the tiniest moment of peace with Bear's spirit, sending huge hugs, Leejaye

Thank you so much for your kind words Leejaye. Thank you for understanding. My family says they understand, but honestly Think they don't understand. Every time I see bears photo, I just want to hold him, hug him, pet him, and give him kisses. Im still in denial. And I feel like I will be in denial for a very long time. I started searching for pet communicator to see if that will help my pain ease, but I haven't tried it. I'm unsure about it. tp get me through the day, I read forum about pet loss, pet attacking another pet, how to cope, ect.

Leejaye, thank you for taking your time in reading my post. Your reply is greatly appreciate.

OH Bear's mom

My heart breaks for you and the loss of your precious Bear - especially in this horribly traumatic way. No being "deserves" this - and it seems that it's always the best-of-the-best who get the wrost-of-the-worst. You're in "shock and awe" right now. No two thoughts go together. Even a single thought stops in the middle for a tear or a scream. And you are NOT crazy!

Please know that you gave Bear the most precious gift of all - a mother's true love. Your love wrapped Bear in a protective cocoon that, while It can't make this horrible world go away - it protects hm from all fear, sadness, loneliness, abandonment. Your protective arms and heart were surrounding him during this horror. Now Bear is with my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) in the Perfect World. Like my vet says, "She's in a safe place now."

Bear's mom, it will take a LONG, LONG time for you to become even functional again. I can fully understand your shutting yourself away from people - family and guests. I did the same thing. The extra burden of having to expend energy your don't have is FAR too much. You're depleted, crushed, shattered. And it will take you a long time to get back even a little of your former strength.

I, too, wondered whether I should consult a pet communicator to reassure myself the Gretta was OK. I didn't - because what else would they say! I had a very soft huggable pillow made for my Gretta's ashes and even after 6 months, I sometimes sleep with that pillow. They day after Gretta passed, I was so lonely and bereft that i took two of her showsuits (it's cold here in MN) that she hated and velcro-ed them together into a sort of pillow. Even once in a while now I sleep with that pillow. For a few night I even slept on her dog bed (it's a big orthopedic one - I almost fit!).

Your heart will tell you when and if you're ready for any kind of relationship witha dog or dogs. Because we both know how wonderful those relationships are, I hope someday it happens for you. But if it doesn't, that's OK. Just know that Bear can see you and hear you and touch you the same as ever. You just can't do the same with her - and that's what hurts like *()*)()^&^&. Bear is sending you love and care and guidance and protection from the Perfect World. Bear and you excahnged pieces of each other's souls and will carry them with you forever ... really forever. You WILL be reunited with beautiful Bear one day - in the Perfect World. And you will never again be parted. Meanwhile, I'm sure Gretta has found bear and has taken her under her big chocolate lab paw and they're lying down in the warm sun having long talks about their moms. "Mom, I love you. I'm still her watching protecting and loving you. This big dog Gretta is helping me. She has a wonderful mom, just like you but [don't tell Gretta] my mom's just a tiny bit better :)"

Thank you for finding our Lightning Strike family, Bear's mom. We're a band of sisters and brothers who have all been found by our soul-animals - and we GET IT. We pick each other up when someone falls into a heap. We rejoice with the moments others tell of us their experiences with their soul-animals or with, as in my case, the new dog Gretta sent me (Rufus, a 100#, 9-year old lab Newfie mix.)

Bear's mom, you WILL live, Bear loves you, we love you, and you WILL be reunited with Bear - it's for sure!!

Please take things very slowly and easily for the neext few days. Your soul needs restoring. Maybe we can help. I hope so.

Blessings,

Gretta's mom

Hi, Missingmybaby, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bear. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Leejaye and Gretta's Mom have offered you the most compassionate responses which are in my heart as well.

If there is one thing I wish to emphasize to you it is to please do not hold your grief inside. Some people think that if they suppress their deep sorrow that it makes the excruciating pain of their loss - - both emotional and physical - - less painful. Clinical studies have proven the direct opposite. Grief suppressed can eventually lead to both serious emotional and physical symptoms that willl need to be dealt with, and perhaps in a crisis situation. The tears you cry are literally healing tears for they cleanse your body of the toxins that build up in the body from the stress of grief. This is why you have noticed that you feel better after you cry. Grieving is very stressful on both the body and the spirit. It is vitally important that you allow yourself the opportunity to openly (if by finding a private time and place in your day) grieve this tremendous painful loss of your beloved Bear's physical presence with you.

This grief journey is one filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds - - sometimes all at one time, and so many different emotions that we can feel like we are going insane. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. I promise you, Missingmybaby, that what you are feeling is very normal. And as both leejaye and Gretta's mom have so comfortingly reassurred you, so I wish to affirm their words: You ARE among friends here who truly do understand what you are feeling and are going through. This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Bear. It can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Missingmybaby, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Bear with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you are up to it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Missingmybaby, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Gretta's mom, moon_beam, thank for your time in reading the long post and for all your support is greatly appreciate it.

Staying in bed just makes me feel better. But I do get up and take the other pups out to the bathroom. I get up when I do get hungry. I have all the time in the world right now to babysit so I do babysit my nephew that is visiting from out of town. And that helps keep my mind off things. I try to go with my siblings wherever they go. But these are the only people I want to be around right now even If i feel they don't understand what I'm going through as they say they do.

My iPad is what I use now, and I have a picture of bear on the screen. Every time I look @ him, it hurts. I pet the screen as if I'm petting him. Im in denial and think he is @ the vet waiting for me to bring him home. It's been a whole week now since he's been gone. I talk to my 3 pups and let them know that bear is not withnus anymore and he won't be grooming them anymore, but i don't know if they understand what I'm saying. But everyday my 3 pups gets me through it a little @ a time. I feel talking to my pups than talking to my family In this situation makes me feel better even if my pups can't talk back. But they are great listener even if I don't know if they understand what I'm going through.

My emotions everyday is different. I will be angry, then I will be emotional, then want to scream, and then want to just break down.

Why couldn't I protect bear? Why did this have to happen? Why did I bring him to work with me that morning? Only if I can turn back to that day. I want to wake up from this horrific dream. I want everything back to the way it used to be.

Hi Bear's mom

Your question is the one that every one of us has asked ourselves: why couldn't I have protected my precious baby from this awful event? Whether is was as horrible as what you went through, or whether it was an accident, disease ... anything that took our loved one away from our sight. Why? Why? Why? Why didn't I take her to the vet sooner? Why didn't I treat her cushings instead of ignoring it? Why? Why? It's the question we most want answered and the one we willnot get an answer to on this side of the Perfect World.

If only I could roll back the day my Gretta crashed. If only you could roll back the day you brought Bear-Bear to work. Yes, we'd do ANYTHING to be able to do that. And when we can't we rage, scream, cry, pound things, cry, sleep, cry .....

A week is a VERY short time in this grief walk, Bear's mom. That you spend your time alone, in bed just means that your mind has been totally shocked-and awed by what happened. At those times, the body goes into survival mode and does exactly as you are doing - the absolute minimum to keep itself alive. No one knows how long this period will go on. (Mine lasted for about 3 weeks.) One day you will feel just the tteeniest, tiniest bit less horrible for a fleeting instant. And then, after a while, another instant.

This grief thing is the second hardest thing I ever did. The hardest was being at my sister's bedside for eight months while she was on the brink of death from an organ transplant gone seriously bad. (She lived, she's almost fine ... and every doctor she meets declares her a miracle!).

Oh yes, I pet Gretta's picture, talk to her, tell her how much I wish I could pet her velvet ears, how I wish we could play "Who wants to lay on the floor?" just one more time. I sometimes still sleep with the "pillow" I made by velcro-ing two of her (hated) showsuits together. Even slept on her dog bed for over a week. Because we love them. Because they love us. Because we cannot see them or hear them or touch them. And the hole in the heart never does seem to go away. But after a very long time, your heart will get some better and you will be able to come out and glance at the world.

Meanwhile, know thatyour precious Bear is watching over you from above, guiding your steps, warding off harm, and best of all - loving and being loved by you. Just as you wrapped him in the most powerful cocoon there is - a mother's love - now he is wrapping you in a equally powerful cocoon - a spirit-animal's love for his human "other." Love is forever, in both directions.

Please be gentle to yourself, Bear's mom. Our LS family's love is coming to you in the form of soft feathers, because that's all your heart can take right now.

Have a blessed night, Bear's mom. He's keeping his loving watch.

Gretta's mom

Thank you Gretta's mom. I am truly sorry for your loss for gretta. I am glad to hear your sister is doing well.

This will be a long grieving journey for me. But I will try to take it one day @ a time. I was a little bit more better this afternoon, tagging a long with my Sisters taking my nephews to take studio photos. I felt like nothing changed as if bear was home waiting. I know im in denial.

I came home feeding my 3 pup (so used to feeding 4 pups). It feels so empty. Im always waiting for bear to make his cute Lilttle sneezing noises along with little whimper because he wants me to pick him up and go on the bed. That's how he gets my attention. There's so many more great stories about bear, but it hurts to talk about it knowing he won't be here to do the cute little things he do.

I will soon post a picture of my bear bear.

<3 I miss and love you so much Bear <3

Dear Missingmybaby, Bear is gorgeous - thankyou so much for sharing his picture with us. You will know when (and if) you are ready to share stories about your baby, until then we are all here to help you however we can - nothing you say is crazy to anyone here. I lost my girl cat of 17 years about 5 and a half months ago - I have a new baby in my life, but I still have pictures of my girl where i can see them when I wake up and go to sleep, I tell her Good Morning and Good Night each day, and pat them when I do - I have told my new little cat about her. Losing Bear so terribly will take time to heal, he lived in every part of your life, please be gentle with yourself. Always remember, you and your boy have linked your souls, you cannot touch him (and i know how hard that is), but he will always be with you - maybe you can find a little bit of comfort in that thought... This is such a hard road, sending you hugest hugs along the way, Leejaye PS I hope the 3 other pups are adjusting to missing Bear, please give them their favourite pats.

Dear Bear's mom

What a beautiful, soulful, gentle, kind, loving dog Mr Bear is. No wonder he sought you out in this world. And no wonder you fell in love with him - and exchanged parts of your souls. He's somewhere in the Perfect World. NOw it's HIS turn to take care of his one-and-only mom. Maybe, just maybe, someday you'll feel a breeze on your cheek and wonder where it came from. Don't wonder - it's Mr Bear's breath - letting you know hee's OK, happy and on his job!

Have a calm day.

Gretta's mom

Hi, Missingmybaby, adding my sincerest thank you for sharing with us your beloved Bear and this wonderful picture of him. It is very hard to adjust our lives without our beloved companion's physical presence with us. For different traumatic reasons I know how you feel about wishing you could turn back the hands of time so that you could change the events - - so that your beloved Bear would still be with you. Unfortunately none of us have that power. We are now faced with the daunting task of continuing to live our lives in a way that will bring honor to the eternal love bond we share with them. I know you will do this for you and your beloved Bear, and I know your beloved Bear is very, very proud of you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Missingmybaby. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Today was a little better since I got up to do things. But I can't help thinking about it.

It hurts when I see his photo. But I can not not see his photo. I have to see it when I wake up and when I go to bed. I can't accept that he is gone.

But I know I have to take each day gently.

With Love,
Missing My Baby Bear