I lost my little Bonnie Lou, my twelve-year-old Yorkie, to kidney failure on July 30th. It seems like I'm having a harder time with this now than I was when it happened. I don't know, maybe the reality is sinking in now because for a while it just didn't seem real. But now I'm missing her worse than ever and having terrible dreams about her being gone. Everyone else has moved on and I feel worse. My husband says he hasn't had a hard time with this at all, which made me feel like he was being disloyal to Bonnie, because he really was very close to her. Her littermate, Belinda, has pretty much stopped looking for her and seems to have adjusted. But that's good because I've heard of things like this affecting the other pet's health and I wouldn't want that. I am not ready to move on or stop grieving because she was one of the best things I ever had in my life. She never brought me anything but happiness. I'm just wondering if it's normal to feel worse about her death now than I did two months ago.
Also, I would really like to be able to rescue another pet for Belinda to have company and also because I am used to having multiple dogs. But my husband says we can't afford to and I don't think he wants to. I think it would be a great way to honor Bonnie's life to give a good home to a pet in need and I think it would be good for Belinda to have a companion because she's never been the only pet until now. But I guess that will have to wait.
Has anyone else experienced this, that the grief seems to get worse with time instead of better?

Hi, BonniesMom, thank you for sharing with us how you're doing. July 30 through September 30 - - 8 weeks, now October 10 - - 10 weeks. Ten weeks since your beloved Bonnie joined the angels. BonniesMom, what you are feeling is very, very normal grief. Shock is a cocoon that envelopes our minds in the beginning of our grief journey. It is a coping mechanism that protects us from becoming overwhelmed with the grievous reality that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. We know it - - there's no denying it - - no escaping it - - but shock allows us to process our grief in our own time of being able to adjust to the "new reality."

It is not surprising that the shock is now lessening a bit - - like the layers of an onion - - each layer peeling off to a "new stage" of grief in your adjustment journey. I am so sorry your husband is not offering you the support and comfort that you need. Often times, unfortumately, it is the people who are the closest to us physically and on whom we reach out to in times of crisis and deep sadness who are unable - - for whatever reason - - to offer us the comfort and support that we truly need. His reluctance to accept a new companion can be an indication that he has not "moved on" in his grief journey as he would like you to believe, and perhaps would like to convince himself. Perhaps he feels that - - for him - - to say that he has "moved on" will help him not feel sad and will be an example of "strength" to you to help you through your sorrow. I am not married, never have been, - - I hope and pray that you and your husband will be able to share your grief together - - if not right now, then eventually - - and find a unified way of honoring your beloved Bonnie.

Our dear forum friend Cheryl has a topic entitled "Just when I thought I was doing better" in loving memory of her beloved Daisy. It truly speaks volumes of this grief journey - - for just when we think we are through the worst of the deep grief, we can hear something like a song or read something like a poem or watch a movie and find ourselves dropped to our knees in crushing grief as though it is the first moment when our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. This is why this grief adjustment journey is frequently, and appropriately, referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

The good news is that eventually the deep grief does ease, the radical ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds on the roller coaster do even out, and the deep seering pain that now consumes your heart will be replaced with the warmth of the treasured memories you have of your beloved Bonnie - - and you will find yourself smiling again - - truly smiling - - and this is what your beloved Bonnie wants for you. But to get to this place you must give yourself time to mourn the process of adjusting your earthly journey to the physical absence of your beloved Bonnie.

BonniesMom, I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey but unfortunately it is one that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time - - in your own way and in your own time. Please know that we are here for you through every step of your grief journey - - you are NOT alone - - NEVER alone. Each of us here DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you again for sharing with us how you're doing, BonniesMom. I hope you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Bonnie's Mom,

Please accept my sincerest sympathy on the loss of your dearest Bonnie Lou. She must have been quite the lady and I would have been honored to know her. My Trevor, a rescue C-o-c-k-e-r Spaniel died one week earlier, on Friday, July 22nd. As you say, it was awful and my heart and soul have still not begun to "heal".

BonniesMom, I have had 6 other doggies that were all sent to Heaven via the Rainbow Bridge, but, somehow, losing Trevor has been harder than all the rest combined. I guess what I am trying to say is that, yes, this grief journey can be extremely difficult, downright hard and take a long time. As our wonderful Moon Beam tells you, your grief journey will take as long as is necessary for YOU, and no one else. And that is normal, normal, normal. You loved Bonnie Lou with such a fierce devotion that time is the only and greatest "healer". I don't really want to say "healer", but time is the best helper along the path. Remember this was YOUR Bonnie Lou and YOUR relationship exclusively. I always think that the pain I feel is directly proportional to the love I have for Trevor. And I know you still have that love for Bonnie Lou (by the way, what a great name!).

Should you be over this? Only when you are ready. No one else can tell you when that time is or what it will feel like to you. We can give you hints as a sort of guide, but the rest will come from Bonnie and you. I still cry almost every night. I have pictures of Trevor in every room of my house. I have messages to him pinned up on the kitchen and hallway walls. (and the bathroom mirror) I light a small memorial candle for him every day. I visit him (and his brothers) at the cemetery almost every day now. I've been there so much that the Cemetery Director moved an old bench over to their graves so I have something to sit on and be there as long as I want to. I have a new rescue dog, named Dreamer, and I still call him Trevor! I don't have a particular place in the house to set up a small shrine as others have, but I do have pictures of all my boys on the top of my piano: Crocker, Birney, Kelly, Jasper, Rudy and Trevor. And I talk to them all the time. Crazy? Perhaps. But it's the way that I am able to cope with my loss and it's not hurting one other person, so I do it.

Missing Bonnie Lou more now is also normal. As Moon Beam said this is a hellish roller coaster ride with no specific end in sight, so there will be ups and downs. Right now I think you're in a "down" part. My friend, try to go with the flow - don't let others influence you if possible. Practice a human face for when you are in public and keep your real face (revealing your true emotions) in private, until you are ready to do something else. I also think getting another dog may be a good idea as long as you are not "replacing" Bonnie Lou. Don't force the issue, if possible, so your husband won't resent the new companion. Perhaps you can do some volunteer work at a good shelter or for a good rescue group as a way to be with the dogs to help you. Then your enthusiasm may just change some minds around your house.

BonniesMom, you are doing a remarkable job coping with such a loss. And remember, there are many, many people on this site who are willing to "talk", write, listen, support, grieve and feel happier with you 24/7. You are never alone in your journey and never will be.

Please write when you can. I am very interested in how you are doing, how Belinda is doing and would love to hear more about Bonnie Lou!

Blessings.............................
Bobbie