I lost my cat in the third week of Feb 2011. I found this place by googling ..I was actually looking for suicide support in my googling... I really wasn't suicidal..but maybe I was... I was just so grieved that I wanted to die and I was desperate...
I found this place (thank the gods) and it got me through the most profound hell I've ever experienced..the loss of my baby to some unknown car driver that sped off and took the most precious thing in my life (okay 2nd most, my wonderful husband is #1 but at the time, all I thought of was my Finn).
I posted a lot. I posted about my own pain and I tried to help others. I don't know if I did but it was cathartic to me thinking I was helping. My last post was a few months ago and I always intended to visit at least weekly to offer my thoughts and get and offer support to those in my position.
Life got busy and I stopped posting.
And now I'm hurting again and I feel guilty for coming back after all these months asking for support when I abandoned even my own goals to be there for others in grief.
Grieving is a very odd experience, especially when grieving with others. It's a really selfish thing when you think about it. That's not to say it's bad or sinful. Believe me ...I know. But one gets so overwhelmed by the sadness and can't think of anything else. It's one of the few times I think we are 'allowed' to be 'selfish'. It hurts so bad. So very very bad..and nothing else matters. I know... It's okay to be allowed to be sad and angry and 'selfish'. It shows how much Love we have in our hearts for these pure, nonjudgemental, delightful creatures..it's the flip side of the Joy of Love.
Nevertheless, I'm in month eight. I've been pretty much okay the last month or so and although I still think of my baby every day, the sharpness of the pain has dulled as I gravitate to acceptance of his death. I don't think I will ever totally accept his death, his young age, in his prime, so full of joy and zest for life.... but for my own sake I need to find a way lest I make myself crazy.
Tonight, I started the first fire in our fireplace for the long slog of winter. As I wrote those months ago in Feb, Finn was always there when I lit the fire. He was a bit of nuisance frankly, as I tried to put in the kindling, the logs, etc. He was so excited for a fire. He loved sleeping on his blanket with his best friend Sean (my other cat who is now resting alone) in front of the heat.
Just when you think you are over the hump and are accepting of the loss, these moments hit you and you fall into tears and relive the whole nightmare of the day of the passing. I'm crying now, missing him all over again. Moonbeam told me a long time ago that it takes a year...maybe one has to go through all the seasons and all the holidays and all the whatever..reliving all the 'normal' events of life that occur in a year, without that precious presence before you can truly start to heal. I'm starting to believe that.
I'm sorry I've not been around more to contribute to those who are hurting as much as I was in Feb. This is such an important place for so many reasons. As the winter approaches and the demands of my life ebb (I live on a big piece of land with farming and so many obligations in summer), I will make every effort to come back to this 'home' that in many ways, saved my life.
To those who are grieving, you are not alone. You are understood. This pain is undescribable. Even to family and friends, many won't understand the depths of your hurt. I do. The people here do. It's okay to hurt and we all hurt the same way. And it does get better... the hurt takes a loooooong time to process and diminish, but it does. Please know that. And as the pain lessens, that doesn't mean you love your baby any less. That's something I'm learning now and maybe will share in another post....
My heart is with all of you who have lost your best friends.
I miss you Finn. so very much
PS just noticed i screwed up my sub topic header..sigh...meant to say "I'm sorry I've NOT helped more"