Well here is my story. I woke up a week ago on tuesday to a day I will never forgot. I have two dogs Jake and Sandy. Jake is a 11.5 year old German Shephard mix and Sandy is a 7 year old lab mix. I have 3 kids ages 2, 5, and 6. I got my young kids off to school. I noticed in the morning that Jake had thrown up a few times. I was not alarmed. He threw up once in a while. I let the dogs out and then took my kids to the bus stop. When I came home I went to let the dogs in. Sandy came in, but not Jake. I went to see what he was doing. He was not hearing as well as he once had. He was laying with his head up enjoying the cool air. So I said come on Jake. Grabbed his collar and he got up like usual, came up on the porch and came into the house and laid down.
I thought he didn't really look right.. I called my husband and mentioned it to him. He said call the vets and keep and eye on him. My husband had seen the dog 20 minutes prior. I thought ok. The vets weren't open, so I was thinking lets go in the car Jake. I got his leash and he got up and then jumped in the back of my SUV. We drove down the street a little and stopped for a minute. He stood up as he often did when he thought we were at our destination. I went home and he jumped out the car. I then wanted to see if he wanted to go for a walk. He laid down like he was tired. I thought ok maybe he is tired. I went inside and he laid down and drank some water. I then thought ok. Well maybe I was wrong, and figured he was just tired. He didn't try to vomit or anything. My daughter and I then left to run some errands and when I returned he was laying at the bottom of our stairs. I called my husband and said he didn't look good. I called the vets and said the same. They said they could get him in at 430. By this time it was 130. I thought the dog was hot and went downstairs where it was cool. He often laid around, so I was thinking maybe he is just not feeling well. Aside from being overweight. The only other thing was that Jake would breathe heavy at night and often lick his paws alot. The vet called back and asked if I could bring him in at 330. I said I would. My son had a dental about at that time. I called to cancel his appt. I was thinking ok the vet didn't say much so I must be overreacting. My husband came home at 330 and we had to lift Jake in the car. Which was not easy, he was a good 95 plus pounds. The vets was a few minutes away. She asked us info and came to the car to look at him. Said he was laid out. He had a fever. She didn't seem too concerned. We carried him inside, where she administered fluids, antibiotics and pain med. She said she would do blood work and call us in 30 minutes with the results. Well a little over 2 hours later, she called to say that he had died. She said his white blood cells were elevated and his calcium was high. She mentioned something of toxins in his body. She said that he came around for 20 minutes or so and snapped at flies and thenn put his head down and that was it.
She never mentioned anything about xrays. She said it could have been bloat. But really said that she wasn't sure. I never noticed his stomach swelling. He had a big chest and was overweight to begin with.
Now I am beside myself. I feel tremendous guilt about leaving him at the house, while I ran out. I should of went with my gut feeling. I should've taken him in the morning somewhere. Anywhere. I just thought well he probably just tired. He didn't cry,moan, or walk around like he was in pain. He laid down put his head up, drank some water and put his head down like he always did. I never thought he was going to die.
I am not sure if anyone else has any input as to what it could be, but anything would be appreciative.
I just don't know how to get over the overwhelming feeling of grief and guilt that I have. I had Jake for the last 10 years. I had him before my husband and children came along. I spoiled him before I met my husband, and we spoiled him after we met. He went through 4 states with us as we moved around. I feel so empty with out him here

I'm so sorry about your Jake; I just lost my dog Ginger a week ago today and she had similar symptoms to Jake, only it was bloat. The red flags didn't go off for me right away either. It's good that you were so in tune with his body language that you did know something was wrong, and got him into the vets as soon as you could have. I'd ask them if they did do x-rays and what the results were. With Ginger, she didn't look or feel bloated either and even the vet had a hard time pinning down what was wrong with her until after he'd done the x-ray. Even so, it was too late to save her.

Please don't beat yourself up too much, you really did do everything you could have for Jake. Ginger was a German Shepherd mix too....I'm sure they're romping together at the Bridge. (((hugs)))

Thank you. I am sure they are off romping too. Jake never looked bloated that was what was so hard for me. The suddenness of it all. No retching, no crying, no anything. He would cry when he got shot and was the biggest baby, and yet not so much as a whimper from him. I thought that he would be ok when I didn't hear from the vet for a couple hours. A person always says no news is good news. Not really knowing what it was is hard for me. The guilt is the worst. I am not sure whether or not Jake would've survived the surgery either. He had fatty tumors on him as well. The vet we took him to while at my mother in laws, didn't want to operate on him because of his age.

Hi, Cass, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Jake. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing their precious physical presence so suddenly adds to the trauma.

Cass, our beloved companions never want us to worry about them. They have inherited a genetic trait from their wild cousins that makes them try everything in their power to disguise how badly they are feeling until they just can't do it anymore. By the time symptoms begin to become obvious, the illness has already established a foothold on their bodies. Sometimes the illness can be treated successfully, sometimes for the rest of their lives to give them a good quality of life, and sometimes, unfortunately, the illness has already progressed to the point where medical intervention cannot change the course and outcome of the illness. I am so very, very sorry that the latter situation was the case for you and your beloved Jake.

Ginger has given you very good counsel to try to talk to the vet to determine what procedures were done and what the results are: blood tests, x-rays, etc.. I know this will be very difficult to do right now with the deep grief you are feeling. Perhaps you might find it easier if you make an appointment to speak privately with your vet. This way he / she can show you the x-rays and go over the results with you in person, and will be available to answer your questions, and hopefully, offer you some comfort.

Cass, this grief journey is filled with so many different emotions, sometimes overwhelming us all at once. Unfortunately, guilt is a "standard" emotion we all have to battle with, and it is one of the harder grief emotions to reconcile. Your beloved Jake knows, as each of us here also know, that you did EVERYTHING in your power to give your beloved Jake a healthy and happy earthly journey. He knows, as each of us do, that you would move heaven and earth, or walk over roiling hot lava or hot burning coals to make sure that he had the medical care he needed to keep him healthy. Unfortunately we are mere humans - - we can only make decisions to the very best of our ability at any given time with the information we have at that time. Our beloved companions' physical bodies are like ours - - they are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. They are subject to the identical illnesses and injuries that human physical bodies experience. I hope as your deep grief eases that you will be able to find peace in your heart and your mind that what happened with your beloved Jake is NOT your fault.

This grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical loss of your beloved Jake. This grief journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately the adjustment to the "new normal" in your life now can only be done one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. There is no "fast forward" or "delete" button to press to hasten the process or make it go away. One of the many important things for you to remember is that you are not alone in your journey, - - you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Cass, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart right now. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will come to know that your beloved Jake continues to share your earthly just as he always has and always will. Love is eternal, Cass - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Jake is forever in your heart and your memories - - he is always a heartbeat close to you.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Jake with us, Cass. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to posting a picture(s) of him to share with us - - but only when / if you are ready. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cass, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I spoke with the vet and she said they didn't have time to take xrays. I have a hard time believing they didn't have time to take xrays. He was there for over 2 hours.
She thinks it was either cancer or bloat.

Dear Cass, I am so so sorry for the loss of your Jake - the suddeness and not knowing why you lost him must be so hard to deal with. My niece lost her 10 year old labrador in a day, she was devastated - he went off his food the night before, they took him to the vet when he wouldn't eat in the morning, he was gone by the afternoon, his vet diagnosed stomach cancer and advised euthanasia as the only option. My heart goes out to you as you struggle with the massive hole in your life and heart, please come here whenever you need to, the people on this forum helped me immeasurably in those first nightmare days and weeks, hope the universe is kind to you today, Leejaye

Moon Beam,
Thank you for your kind words. I know in time I can rid myself of some of the guilt that I feel. I still have another wonderful dog that needs me. She is only 7 and was Jake's best friend. Let me ask you do you think that our pet's watch over us like people do when they pass? I hope that sometime down the road that we are all reunited with our friends that we have lost. Wouldn't that be a nice party?
Given the situation I know I would have done things differently. It goes to show you how we sometimes forget how valuable life is. We take things for granted. we don't think about how precious life is until it is too late.

"Let me ask you do you think that our pet's watch over us like people do when they pass? I hope that sometime down the road that we are all reunited with our friends that we have lost. Wouldn't that be a nice party?"

Hi, Cass, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yes, I do believe our beloved companions continue to share our earthly journey just as they always have and always will from their heavenly home. And I assure you, Cass, when it is your appropriate time, you will be reunited with your beloved Jake and all of your beloved companions.

Cass, each of us need what I call a "comfort zone" in our daily life. It's not that we take the ones we love for granted - -whatever their life form - - but more that we need a comfortable routine with the ones we love. Truly when a crisis situation arises we acquire a new appreciation for the blessings we have in our lives. The good news is that our blessings do not disappear when our loved ones precede us to the angels. Our beloved companions are forever in our hearts and our memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us.

I hope today is being kind to you, Cass, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Jake with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cass, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon Beam,
How does one reconcile the immense guilt that they have?? I have been told to get over it, you have a family to raise and you didn't kill him. While this might be true, I feel as though I didn't do as much as I could of to help him either. I had instincts that morning yet I feel like I ignored them based on what I perceived when I saw the dog. I thought ok he is probably just tired and I left. It is very hard to forgive myself for doing that and not just taking him right in when I suspected something. Maybe you can help me shed some light on this. Thank you

"I have been told to get over it, you have a family to raise and you didn't kill him. While this might be true, I feel as though I didn't do as much as I could of to help him either."

Hi, Cass, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. First of all, anyone who tells you to "get over it" is totally clueless about enduring the deep grief of a loss - - any loss - - and partuclarly the physical loss of a beloved companion. This attitude is a reflection of humanity's belief that any life form other than human is expendable on every level. This is NOT an attitude you need to expose yourself to, which is incredibly hard if you happen to be living with someone who believes in and expresses this opinion. You do have the right to walk away from anyone who insults you and demeans your feelings.

What you are feeling about not doing "as much as I could of to help him" is perfectly normal. It is, unfortuntely, a part of this deep grief that seems to prey on our hearts and minds. When my number one kitty son Eli was more content staying inside with me during the heat of the summer rather than being outside on his tether with his adpoted kitty brother Noah, I thought it was just because he was older (6 years old) and wanted to have some dedicated time with me. There would be times when he would eat his food with enthusiasm and other times when he acted like he wasn't hungry. His annual physical was coming up, and I thought perhaps he might have a tooth that was going bad. When I took him for his physical I was NOT prepared for the events that followed: emergency surgery to remove an abdominal mass that had totally involved his right kidney which required removal, and a 6 week course of palliative chemotherapy. He was diagnosed with End Stage Lymphoma, and two months post-chemo he was compassionately assisted to the angels by his treating physician. What had I missed? Why didn't I take him in sooner for a check up? It not only broke my heart, but my little Noah was beside himself with grief. It took almost 2 years for my little Noah's heart to forgive me for not bringing his big adopted kitty brother home again - - from the last trip which ended Eli's painful physical earthly journey.

None of us ever want to think of our beloved companions as being seriously ill, and our companions will do everything in their power to disguise how they are feeling not only as a built in survival response to not showing their frailty but also in an attempt to spare us worry and concern. Of course as their caregiver this doesn't help us to provide them the medical care they need BEFORE an illness overtakes their physical body. And when the illness is in its final stages by the time we know something is wrong, the only thing we can do is to lovingly and compassionately ease their journey home to the angels as best we can.

Cass, you did the very best for your beloved Jake at all times and in all circumstances with the information you had at the time. I wish there were an easier way to reconcile the guilt that consumes each of us during the deep grief, but it's part of the grief process and can only be resolved in your own way and in your own time. Perhaps when you begin to think about your Jake and the "why didin't I" you might try forcing your thoughts to other more positive memories. This is easier said than done, I know, and it does take a conscious effort to re-train our thoughts particularly in the beginning of doing this exercise. But it does work given the effort and time. Guilt can become a source of depression if it begins to consume you, and this is easy when we are in deep grief because our physical body - - including our brain - - are in a very vulnerable state. Sometimes grief causes a chemical imbalance in our brains that may require temporary medicinal intervention to correct. For different reasons many years ago I required a period of time on anti-depressants under the supervision of my doctor. If you find that you are beginning to experience symptoms of depression, you may want to speak with your doctor. There are now medications that are non-addictive which your doctor may want you to try under his / her supervision.

I wish to reassure you, Cass, this is NOT a negative reflection on you. Grieving takes both an emotional and PHYSICAL toll on our body - - all of our body - - and it is important that you find healthy ways to endure the stress of grieving. It is NOT something that can be resolved in an hour, a day, a week, a month, 6 weeks or on someone else's time table or expectations. You and you alone are the only one who can travel this grief journey in your own way and in your own time. It is always helpful if the people who are geographically physically close to you offer you support and understanding and encouragement, but unfortunately in our society this is seldom the case. So please know each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Cass. We DO understand what you are feeling and are going through. There are no time limitations or expiration dates here for support, encouragement, and comfort.

I hope what I have shared with you will be of some comfort to you, and will help you to know that you are NOT going crazy, that there is NOTHING WRONG with you. I hope you will have a very peaceful evening, Cass. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessing,
moon_beam

Cass,

I'm crying right now (bawling actually) as I read your story. I see myself in your words.

I lost my cat Finn very abruptly. I have a million questions. I have guilt. I am still angry.

Our stories are very different but I can tell the anguish is the same.

If you are like me, you are replaying the events of the day. "What could I have done differently... Was someone else to blame....I want someone to blame so I can 'hate' them and help relieve the undeserved! guilt."

Okay I can barely type now ... my heart is stilll so fragile and when I sense another who is experiencing the same thing I did, well it makes it hard to form cohesive thoughts to write.

All I can say at the moment is I really really really understand your pain. And nothing sucks more than what you are experiencing.

I was so beside myself with grief, guilt, anger, hate ...during that first week. (I ended up losing 10 lbs (4.5 kg) in a month because I couldn't eat.) It took me about four days into his death before I started writing about it. For me, that helped and then I found this place and plopped a 20 page essay of my literary labors on the LS folks. Thankfully Moonbeam and a few others read my whole nightmare...(pretty dreary reading)... You wrote about your experience here so I think you have the powerful tool of words and community to process this, in time.

LS (moonbean esp) helped to provide a lighthouse in the storm. To this day don't know how I would have gotten through the flood of thoughts and emotions without the lighthouse this place provided.

You have a painful slog of a journey ahead of you, to be honest. It just plain sucks. But you found the right place to begin it. It's been eight months for me and although I'm much better, those guilt and anger thoughts still find their way into my thinking.

I meditate sometimes and I've had brief flashes of insight where the higher self tells me, "Finn is (was) destined for more and after energizing his spirit with the love and joy of life in the incarnation he had when lived with our family, he is now rested and primed for his 'true' path." He is a little Buddha, I'm certain of it.

That fateful day...It was just his time.

I'm so sorry for your loss and all the questions, second guessing, pain, anger...etc. you are experiencing. I will send you with all my will, positive energy in your direction to help you cope. My heart is your heart.

Connie

Connie,
Thank you for your kind words. I thought today would be better, but it wasn't. I had my kids home from school and that helped a little. It is the 2 week mark. I was replaying everything in my head again over and over like it happened two weeks ago. I just can't believe I didn't take him earlier. I knew and yet I feel like I ignored the signs in front of me. I left. I still can not explain why I left and ran errands. I think now I didn't have to go, so why did I? I believed he was just not feeling well, but still. I have 3 small children, plus another dog and two cats and I wouldn't leave my kids if that happenedd to them. I would watch them. I am so mad at myself for what I believe to be walking out on my Jake. The one time he was sick and I wasn't there when it mattered the most is very hard for me to deal with.
My husband doesn't have the same feelings as me. He is dealing quite well with this. He was at work for most of the day though. This happened after we found out that our son needs $3000 plus of work on his teeth. He is only 6 and the regular dentist never mentioned a thing about this needing to be done. We no sooner got hit with this then jake started feeling bad. I had an appt for my son the same day Jake died. I know my mind was clouded by alot going on but still. I feel like I walked out on him. Why didn't I just stay and see if he looked better in an hour. I don't have an answer for that. That is hard for me to swallow. I feel like a terrible pet mom. I would never do this to my children, so why did I do this to Jake.
I would be alone on this if it wasn't for everyone on this site. I thank you for your words of encouragement, they mean alot. Only you guys truly understand what I am feeling.
Cass

Cass, so sorry for your loss. My condolences. I lost my chihuahua bear a week ago due to a dog biting him. I am going through what you're going through, and I don't know how to cope. No one @ home understands, but coming here for the support and understanding friends helps. Again, my condolences for your loss for Jake.

Missingmybaby,

Thank you for your kind words. It is really hard. No one understands. At one point my husband asked me how long it was going to take for me to get over this. I said when I am ready I will. I can't help how I feel, I don't choose to feel this way. He doesn't have the guilt that I do. He was at work. My mom thinks that I am feeling sorry for myself by missing Jake. I told her no that is not the case. I feel guilty about not doing something sooner. It is real hard when people don't understand. It hit me at dinner the other night and my husband said can we enjoy our dinner. I was upset. I can't control when I will feel bad, it just comes on. Do you feel like this at any time?