On Friday we made the heart breaking decision to put our nearly 16 year old ##er spaniel, Dixie to sleep. She went from behaving normally on Sunday, to having trouble breathing Monday night to dead on Friday and all I want is to to die too.

The vet said she had advanced lung disease and had for sometime and it had damaged her heart but what was killing her was an inflammation that was filling her lungs with fluid. How could I not have known my baby was this sick? How could I not have seen this? She spent the last three days of her life in a hospital trying to save her. She improved a little on Wed, so much they thought she could go home on Thu with meds for the other problems. But then the medicine she was taking to clear up her lungs caused her harm to her organs and she started getting blood clots and she worsened overnight.

This hurts so bad, I can't see my way clear. I feel so guilty I couldn't save her and she looked at me so worried and confused right before we said goodbye. She died in my husband's and my arms.

What do I do to deal with this? Please help me understand how this could have happened so fast? I don't think I will ever feel joy again.

Hi, lisab, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Dixie. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Lisab, what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. Your questions are very normal as well. Our beloved companions are very adept at disgusing how badly they are feeling. This comes from a genetic trait they inherit from their wild cousins. Any sign of illness or injury makes their wild cousins prey for the survival of the other wildlife. Even though our companions are domesticated, they still try everything to disguise their illness until they simply cannot do it anymore. By the time symptoms are evident, the illness has progressed. Sometimes, it can be managed with medication. Sometimes the symptoms are so critical that it causes multiple body crises that force us to make emergency decisions from the depths of our love for them - - to release our companions from their pain and suffering.

Lisab, you and the veterinary staff did everything that is humanly and humanely possible to give your beloved Dixie a chance to overcome her medical challenges. She knows you would have moved heaven and earth, walked over hot roiling lava or hot burning coals to give her a happy and healthy earthly journey. Sadly our beloved companions' physical bodies are the same as ours - - they are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. When they precede us to the angels, our grief adjustment journey is very painful - - both emotionally and physically.

Lisab, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can even remotely begin to soothe the seering pain that is in your heart. This grief journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. It is important that you give yourself permission to grieve your physical loss of Dixie so that, hopefully, one day, as your deep grief eases you will be able to remember your beloved Dixie and smile again. The love bond you share with your beloved Dixie is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Dixie's sweet Living Spirit contniues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will. She is always a heartbeat close to you. And she wants you to be happy, again, but she also knows as she watches over you from heaven's perfect garden that you must first grieve this very painful adjustment without her precious physical presence in your life.

There are many things for you to remember during this grief journey, and one of them is that you are never alone. You are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. This grief adjustment journey has many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Each of us know how traumatic this journey can be, and we are here to offer you both our individual and collective strength, comfort, and encouragement through every step of your journey.

Lisab, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Dixie with us. Perhaps in time you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of your beloved Dixie with us - - but only when / if you want to. I hope you and your husband are having a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lisab, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear lisab, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain - I can't give you better words than the ones that moon_beam has shared with you, but wanted you to know I am thinking of you and Dixie as you grapple with this hard journey, please come here whenever you need to, the people here helped me so much when my own loss was so new and heart stoppingly hard, sending you huge hugs, leejaye

Thank you moon-beam and leejaye - this is so hard and I am having such a hard time. I'm so grateful to find someone who understands. My husband is sad to but it hurting more for me. I have always been a happy bubbly person and it is just gone - he told me last night he would do anything to see my cute smile, and I just can't smile.

Here is a picture of my precious girl. It was taken just 12 days before she died.

By the way moon_beam, our Dixie Dog was a Virginia doggie. We lived in Fredericksburg VA when my husband got her for me on Valentine's Day. We already had our very precocious Mustard "Muss Kitty" cat and she had been very ill and we thought we were going to lose her, getting the puppy gave Muss Kitty a new lease on life and she lived to be 17. We mourned her too but had our Dixie when she died and it we all missed our Kitty together. But now I have no one.

I will try and remember the good times but right now all that makes me do is cry.

Hi, lisab, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing and the wonderful picture of your beloved Dixie. She is a very sweet little girl.

"I will try and remember the good times but right now all that makes me do is cry."

Lisab, this is very normal during the deep grief. How can we remember our beloved companions with a happy heart when we are struggling to endure the most painful adjustment in our lives to their physical absence. But I assure you, lisab, one day -- when you least expect it - - sometime in your own journey you will be thinking of your beloved Dixie and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will flood with the warmth of your eternal love - - and you will feel your beloved Dixie smiling with you. I promise you, lisab, this day WILL COME - - eventually. Before this happens, though, your heart needs to deal with the deep sorrow you are feeling, and we are here for you, lisab, through every step of your adjustment journey.

I am very familiar with Fredericksburg. I grew up in the northern VA area, and in 1989 had a chance to move to the Roanoke Valley where the traffic and the daily pace of life is less hectic (and the taxes are more affordable).

Lisab, I hope today is being kind to you, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Dixie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear lisab...I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Dixie.....Her picture is so pretty.....It is so sad how our pets can go down hill so fast, and sometimes the meds to help them harm them in other ways....My Mickey was running with me down the hallway one night trying to get his treat and the next day he started not wanting to eat much and within about 12 days he passed away. He was on meds for his heart. I'll always wonder if they made him worse, but they did help him breathe better.

As time goes by, I hope you feel better and remember the good times with Dixie. I know it's not easy.

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey

Dear LisaB

Let me join with the other voices in offering you my deepest condolences on the passing of your darling Dixie Dog. It truly IS as Moonbeam says - our animals crash at alarming speed. My Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) crashed in basically one day - almost exactly six months ago. Oh, she had limps and gimps - she was 13 year old, after all. But it happened just as you say - all of a SUDDEN! I've read that over and over on this web site, especially about dogs.

LisaB - Dixie knows that you moved heaven and earth to give her a few more days or weeks of life. But even more important, every day of her life on earth and in the perfect World of herafter, Dixie was enveloped in the most precious cocoon there is: a mother's love. No one and nothing can penetrate the love of a mom. Even though she looked confused - who wouldn't at a doctor's office - she took her last breath in the safest, warmes, most loving place on earth - the arms of her mom and dad. No one could ask for more.

Gretta is the first dog I have had as an adult - the first PET I have had as an adult. Everything was a new experience - and I learned SO many lessons and truths from Gretta. The most important one is that love is forever - in both directions. From the beginning of time, our special spirit animals have known who we were and have loved us. And, just as we continue to love and miss them terribly, they continue to love us, just like before. The only difference is that they can still see and hear and touch us - but we cannot do the same with them - and that just about kills the heart.

Dixie is a BEAUTIFUL C-spaniel! Bobbie on this site is my sister and she has had C-spaniels for 30+ years. Earlier this spring, her dearest soul-mate, Trevor, passed. You two will have a lot in common. Once I let her know that Dixie is a C-spaniel, you'll never hear the end of it (in a good and loving way, of course).

LisaB - I'm afraid it's going to be quite a while before your bubbly face returns. We grieve in proportion as we love - and from you post and her picture I can tell yours was one of those rare, special loves between two beings who are actually one - part of each other. Moonbeam says that when that happens, we exchange parts of each other's souls. And it's true. You carry part of Dixie's soul with you and she has carried a part of yours iwth her right on into the Perfect World. Every new arrival is greeted by a huge party in which the newbie gets all the time s/he wants to tell about her mom and dad and her wonderful life on earth. I think I hear Gretta saying that she has heard some pretty amazing things about you and her dad from Dixie-Dog.

Please be gentle with yourself. At first it seems like shock-and-awe, numbness, shell-shock. For me that went on for a week or two and then came the 'robot walk' - the "going through the motions" of everyday life but not being present - too much sadness, too many tears. But remeber, you are NEVER alone - all of us are here for you 24/7. All of us understand that each grief journey is different and yet somehow they are all the same. We're a band of brothers and sisters and we give each other strength when we're down and rejoice when we're happy.

Have the best night possible.

Gretta's mom