Hello. I'm a new member; my name is Mary. I found this wonderfully supportive group Thursday and I've pretty much been glued here since.

I want to tell my story, but am so filled with sorrow, guilt and regret, I don't know how rational I will be. I'll try to be brief.

It started Monday when my precious Jeti, a 14 year old red miniature poodle, woke limping and favoring her left front leg. The limp soon disappeared, and I forgot about it. Then Tuesday the leg was worse. And she moaned a little under her breath. She held the leg up, couldn't put weight on it and folded her foot under at the joint. I sent her with my son, who lives with me, to the vet, when they opened. I'm disabled; use a wheelchair. I talked to them on the phone and sent a note with pertinent information. Ken, my son, returned later with Jeti and three medications for pain. And with a message that Jeti's prognosis looked bleak. I weas shocked. The vet said it wasn't Jeti's leg that was bothering her, it was her cervical spine. They took X-rays of her back and showed them to Ken. He said the spine looked bad.

Except for the leg, though, she seemed fine--fully alert, eating, drinking, etc. I asked the vet if I should give the meds separately or all together. She said they didn't interfere with one another and could be given together, so, at 1:00 PM I gave her all three, with food, as instructed. Around 6:00 PM, Jeti started falling apart. She vomited, first the food she had eaten, then a thick substance filled with blood. Ken took her to the ER. They gave two new meds, one for nausea and one for healing the stomach lining. They said to stop the Rimedyl. They said that med is what caused the lining of the stomach to bleed. I got one dose down her. She became agitated and was wheezing. She usually sleeps on the bed with me, but I was afraid she'd try to get off and fall; by now she was unsteady on her legs. So I made a bed by the side of my bed and tried to get her to lie down. She didn't lie down all night and paced around. I had to be alert and keep her from Nikki, my other 14 year old poodle, who is an alpha dog and very territorial. Jeti didn't need to have to deal with her. She drank a little water and immediately threw it up.

By morning, she was having difficulty breathing. As soon as the vet opened, I sent her back with Ken. They started IV fluids (she was dehydrated) and gave her oxygen. They did blood work and said her creatnine was 5 and should be 2. If the IV fluid didn't bring it down, there was no hope. And, even if it did, she had multiple problems: Kidneys shutting down, bad heart, congenital esophegeal problem, and her cervical spine problem. I was shocked because I take my little ones for regular checkups and no one has ever indicated that Jeti had a serious problem. I knew she had a heart murmur, but I didn't know it was serious. I told the vet that and she said the murmur was loud.

Anyway, they treated her that day; the vet said they had to give the fluids slowly because of the bad heart. Ken brought her home for the night. I didn't want her to stay there because no staff would be there. She would be unattended. But when I saw her, I knew she needed what they could give her. She was having difficulty breathing and still needed more fluid. So I sent her back. But I couldn't stand the thought of her being there alone, feeling so bad and none of her people there to soothe her and make her feel safe. She did have a pillowcase I had used, but there were no words of encouragement. Ken had a talk with me. He told me that she needed to go, to keep her would be selfish on my part. I couldn't stand the thought of her suffering, especially alone and afraid. She had originally been my husband's dog; when he died, she became my shadow. She followed me everywhere and when I left, she parked near the door and waited for my return. She had separation anxiety. The vets had presented the possibiiity of euthanasia but wouldn't come out and tell me to do it. Anyway, from what they told me, even if Jeti survived this (which was doubtful), she probably couldn't live much longer because of all her other serious problems.

By now, the vet place had closed. I called the answering service and wanted to talk to a vet about putting Jeti to sleep. They wouldn't call a vet for that. I looked at my iphone for numbers of vets whom had called me. I called every one of them, several times, and finally a cleaning person answered. I told her what I wanted and she started calling all the vets, finally got hold of one who agreed to call me. She was so nice. She agreed to go back and perform the procedure. She met Ken there, he held Jeti, who relaxed in his arms and went to sleep peacefully.

When Ken came home, I asked him to take everything connected with Jeti and put them away. I couldn't bear to see them. I catch myself making little adjustments that I made for her when she was here. Then I realize it isn't necessary. When I wake, I think she's at the foot of my bed, then see that she isn't. I see a mental picture of her sweet face--the big brown warm trusting eyes. I want to remember how she looked, and I'm afraid I'll forget. She was such a sweetheart. I love her so much.

I called the next morning and told them not to send her to be cremated until I could talk to a vet. I thought I might want to have an autopsy. Someone finally got back to me that afternoon. She said that Jeti had already been picked up and she was frozen anyway and you can't do an autopsy on a frozen body.

Now I wonder if I did the right thing. What if Jeti could have survived and had many more good weeks or months to enjoy life? I feel I let her down. She was such a little dear, so mild mannered, enjoyed running and jumping outside and perfectly content to be near me. She was a joy and I still expect to see her. Every room in the house reminds me of her. She depended on me to take care of her and make the right decisions. I think the Rimadyl is what killed her and I gave it to her. I feel I should have been able to save her, or, to prevent all that happened. She trusted me so much. Was my decision too hasty? I just didn't want her to suffer anymore. How can I live with myself? Life isn't the same without her.

Nikki is probably legally blind and deaf and she has many other problems. I thought she would be the first to go. She's very confused and still paces through the house looking for Jeti. She's usually very independent, but now she approaches me quite often for loving and stroking.

I called the vet hospital back and left a message with the secretary for one of them to return my call; I want to know more about the back problem, and the others. That was Friday. I haven't heard from anyone yet.

I feel so empty. And so lonely without my little shadow. And I still can't believe she isn't here.

Hi, Mary, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Jeti. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be released from their failing, frail physical bodies and restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Mary, you did EVERYTHING you could for your beloved Jeti that was humanly and humanely possible. I am so sorry you were not kept informed of her mounting medical problems and can certainly understand how shocked you are feeling with how quickly the circumstances of her health deterioriated. We can only make decisions based on the information we have at any given moment. In my heart as I read through the events that transpired you made the very best decision for your beloved Jeti to join the angels. I am so thankful that you were able to locate a vet who was compassionate to your need and helped your precious Jeti peacefully transition to the angels.

I hope someday you will come to know that you did not let your beloved Jeti down. This grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions, and it is a very painful one - both emotionally and physically. It is a daily journey of re-defining our lives and who we are now that our beloved companion no longer needs OUR physical care. During their earthly journey with us our beloved companions are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - their food, their medical care, their exercise, etc.. They literally become the center of our universe. They also give to us their undivided attention and unconditional love, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation. So, when they precede us to the angels our lives are totally changed - - and it is a very painful adjustment.

The good news is that our beloved companions are forever with us in our hearts and memories. Their sweet Living Spirit continues to share our earthly journey just as they always have and always will. The love bond we share with them is eternal - - it is not dependent upon the physical laws of time and space. They are always and forever a heartbeat close to us.

I can so relate to your deep sorrow for different reasons. When we lose a beloved companion who has been shared by a human family member, in your case your husband, it can feel as though we are losing our human family member all over again. So, it can feel like you are grieving for both your beloved Jeti now in addition to your husband. Emotions that you thought were long resolved can re-surface, which may enhance your feelings of loss. I hope it will comfort you to know that your beloved Jeti and your husband are together now, and they are keeping a vigil of love over you. They want you to remember them with a happy heart, and hopefully, someday, as your deep grief eases, you will be able to do this.

Mary, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Jeti with us. Please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of your beloved Jeti with us - - but only when / if you are ready. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Mary, and please do let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh Mary, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Jeti....There's not much I can add to the wise and comforting words that moon_beam said, but I want you to know how sorry I am.....My little Mickey (Maltese/Pekingese) 14 yrs. old, passed away here at home about 7 1/2 months ago. He had a heart murmur that got worse over the years and it affected his breathing. He was on heart medication for a few months, but he started shutting down about 12 days before he passed. He was having a fairly good day the day he died, but late in the afternoon he had a seizure and died.......So with all the problems your little Jeti had, I believe you did the best thing.......I know how bad it hurts when we lose our sweet companions, no matter how we lose them. I still cry for my Mickey.....

Mary, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know how you are doing when possible...God Bless.

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey

Dear Mary

I am so sorry for the loss of your darling Jeti. I send my hearfelt condolences.
Like Dear Moonbeam and LovemyMickey have said, you did everything that you could to help your sweet Jeti, but I know that you will be questioning your actions, as we all do, when we lose our darling fur babies.
Please know that I am thinking of you.

Hugs

Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Moon Beam, LoveMyMickey, and janika,

First, let me say, I'm so sorry for the loss of your own dear ones. And I am grateful for your compassion and generous help. Thank you so much for your warm and loving messages. It helps so much to be able to share my sorrow and to get such helpful and positive feedback.

It has been a difficult day. For the most part, I've spent today being angry at the vets, the manufacturers of Rimadyl and myself for inflicting such pain and discomfort on my sweet, innocent little girl. A week ago today, she was a happy go-lucky ball of energy, running through her large back yard, bouncing along the fence with her nose to the ground, and greeting the dog next door. It would have been impossible to believe that anything could have happened to take her away so suddenly. That she would go to the vet with a painful back and later. fall into a whole-body shutdown. The vomiting, the diarrhea, the churning of her guts which was quite visible as well as noisy, her dehydration, kidney shutdown, breathing problems and heart murmurs. After everything started happening, she was in a daze and didn't seem to know me or my son. She kept wanting to keep walking around. Or stand. She couldn't rest or lie down. Didn't respond to us when we spoke to her. It's as if we weren't there. She didn't deserve such misery. My poor baby. Was there something I could have done differently to save her? Should I have put her to sleep? I was in such denial, I don't trust my own judgement. I was afraid she would die alone in a cage with no one to comfort her. And, with all those problems, I don't know how she could have survived.

Oh my, I'm rambling on. I'm so sorry. I just want to let you know how very much I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words. You are angels. Your little ones are lucky to have you.

Blessings,
Mary

Dear Mary, Adding my condolences for the loss of your Jeti - I am so so sorry for your pain, and also wish to reassure that I know how "what if..." can assail you, the way you write about Jeti I know you did everything you could do within your power to help him, he knows this too, i hope today brings you a moment of peace, sending hugs, Leejaye

Dear Mary

I, too, want to add my condolences on the passing of your precious Jeti (what a wonderful name!). And to reassure you that it was nothing, NOTHING you did to hasten her passing into the Perfect World. My Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) passed almost exactly six months ago. She, too, crashed very, very fast. And, like you, I was RELIGIOUS about bringing her to the vet. My vet was the best in the city, for sure. He trained a University of Pennsylvania - where the horse Barbaro went after he broke his leg. THE best vet school in the country. One of Gretta's live enzymes was always high and we suspected Cushing's disease but she never "screamed" the symptoms at Dr Hinson, so we didn't treat it. (The treatment would have been chemo - can you imagine!). She, too, started with a limp in her right front paw. I came and went, but as she got older it mostly came. We still walked a few blocks a day, though. She was on Rimadyl for about a year with no ill effects. One Saturday morning her limping seemed a little worse, but we made it around the block. She couldn't seem to settle down, even after I "slid" her to lie down a couple of times. She started walking slowly around a big bamboo crate in our living room. By 10 AM we could barely struggle around the block and by 3 PM all she could do was stand. naturally it was Saturday so my regular vet was closed at noon, but we are VERY fortunate to have a vet school at our local university. I got a neighbor to help me get her in the car and we went over to the school. They had to carry her in. She hadn't urinated for about 12 hours (kidney shut-down). I was far too frightened to take her home for the night, so I left her in the clinic, where she was attended. They gave her a boatload of meds, fluids, xrays, etc. The next morning their vet called me and said the x-rays showed spinal collapse (what IS that anyway - I've been too frightened to look it up) and that she still hadn't urinated (36 hours). I knew that was fatal. You're right, the vet doesn't come right out and say that it's the end, even when I asked her if she thought it was time. It was an "option." NOT! My baby had spinal collapse and kidney shutdown - and who knowxs what else. She wasn't going to make it without some awful drastic measures. I made the saddest decision in my life - to set her free. I went to the school, held her in my arms and felt her sigh her last breath. My best friend was gone - and all in a day and a half.

i tell you all this to reassure you that, at least with spinal and other neurological problems, the decline can and does happen almost instantly. It's like a cruel stroke of lightning from the universe. (That's why this site is such a miracle.) You did EVERYTHING AND MORE for baby Jeti. And he knew it with everything he had. You gave him the most precious gift of all - a mother's love - the only other love in this world besides that of an animal that is unconditional. Animals are far smarter and wiser and more insightful than we humans are. Your love surrounded Jeti with a cocoon of comfort, love, serenity, softness .... that nothing, NOTHING can penetrate - even when you are not physically present. Now, as my wonderful vet said, "He's in a safe place now." The Perfect World. This is one of the strongest beliefs I have - that our special soul-mate animals live on in that Perfect World, that we and they have exchanged a piece of our souls, and that one day we WILL be reunited in that land of everything eternal.

Please take a little of my strength today - I am farther along the roller coaster of horrors that is grief - and I will tell Gretta to look for you Jeti and settle down to a "bragging" session about their moms. (You'll be the winner because you heart is so recently broken.)

Mary, I'm with you today, as are all your Lightning Strike family. We're a band of sisters and brother trying to honor the lives of some exceptional animals as we care for each other and wait for the joyous reunion.

Peace and blessings,

Gretta's mom

Hi Mary,

I, too, would like to offer my condolences on the loss of your precious Jeti. I'm so sorry you're second-guessing yourself about helping with her transition to the angels, but I'm sure if you search deep within your heart, you will realize that you absolutely did the right thing for Jeti. You ensured that her transition was a peaceful and painless one, whereas the alternative might not have been. You gave her one last, selfless act of love, and I know she will be eternally grateful for this, because she knows how hard it must have been for you to let her go. Please try to let go of any guilt or doubt that you have. I can tell how much you love her, and the decision that you made was made out of love, so how can it be wrong?

I'm so glad you've found this forum, and I hope we can all be of some comfort to you during this difficult time. We're right here with you every painful step of the way. When you're feeling ready, we would love to hear more about your sweet Jeti and perhaps see a picture if you're able? Sometimes it helps to talk about our passed loved ones.

Thinking of you and hoping you manage to find some peace today.

Cheryl x

Hi Mary,

I know exactly how you feel right now. I just lost my precious Dixie Dog on Friday, she went from happy wagging joy to dead in four days and I am having so much trouble dealing with it. She had trouble breathing and we took her to the emergency clinic where we were told she had had advanced lung disease and fluid on her lungs and had had it for some time - she had a thorough check up in April and NOTHING showed up then. We knew she had a heart murmur but she had lived over 15 years with no trouble but the lung disease had damaged her heart. The vet was confident that if we cleared up the inflammation on her lungs that the heart and the lung dieases could be treated with medicine. Unfortunately the meds we gave her to do that damaged her other organs and everything starting falling apart. She was getting better on Wed and was supposed to come home on Thu but instead took a turn for the the worse Wed night and we had to send her to heaven on Friday.

My heart is breaking as I know yours is and I am so sorry for your loss. The point is, I understand how you are feeling - Please hang in there.

Lisab

Dear leejaye, cheryl, Gretta's mom, and lisab,

I'm sitting here crying, not just for my sweet Jeti, but because I'm overwhelmed with all your kind and insightful messages. You are grieving yourselves and have such generous hearts. How hard it must be, especially for you, lisab, as you lost your precious baby so very recently, to support others through your tears. Please let me offer my condolences for the loss of your own darlings--Princess, Daisy, Gretta, and Dixie.

At my age, I've had numerous losses, including family, friends, and four legged creatures. My greatest losses were two husbands, two sons, my parents, two brothers, a best friend and three precious dogs. The only losses that come close to the grief I feel right now are Scott, my son who killed himself and my first darling poodle, Mimi. Mimi died 30 years ago and Scott. 11 years ago. I still have times of intense pain when I think of them. All three losses were sudden and a shock.

I understand about the stages of grieving, but that doesn't help much when my heart is breaking. Like you said, Gretta's mom, it's all so recent and so raw. Right now I feel like I can't survive this. But I've been strong in the past and I hope I still have some strength left. I'm glad I have Nikki. She needs me.

Some of your experiences were similar to mine. The swiftness of whatever it was that took our babies, some of the same symptoms, some of the same medicine, same side effects.

Gretta's mom, thank you for sharing the progression of Gretta's treatment. It helps to know that she took Rimadyl for a year without harm. I couldn't bear the thought that I caused Jet's problems by giving her that medication.

Learning all your experiences has helped me to feel less responsible for Jeti's death. I have my moments, but there are times I can appreciate and feel good that I saved her from more misery. Thank you so much, each and every one of you. I pray for peace for all of us.

I want to tell you more about Jeti later, maybe in a day or two; I am just so tired tonight. I haven't had much sleep.

Again thank you, everyone. You and your darlings are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary

Good morning Mary

What a tremendous number of losses you've endured in your life. I cannot imagine how you have reamined strong through all of them. You're a woman to admire, for sure, even though you may not feel like it now. Every loss is different and many people here say that their present loss is so much worse than anything they have gone through in the past. Usually they're talking about animals, but sometimes people, too. Over these months I have come to believe that all animals are very special but that sometimes there is a very special animal who comes into our lives. (American Indians believe this of a buffalo born white in color.) This animal is not a separate being but a part of ourselves. We are made of the same "soul stuff." These wonderful animals have searched the entire universe and waited until we have appeared on earth. Then they arrange to put themselves in our path. The rush of love and the intense, unspoken closeness that develops tells us that this being is different. We have been a part of each other forever, since time began and will be forever, until time ends. We have a 'them-shaped' place in our heart and they have an 'us-shaped' place in their hearts. When we meet, the two puzzle pieces lock into place and we are whole. For some reason - maybe to test our mettle (but it sounds like you have been tested beyond a 'reasonable doubt') - whoever made the universe made our spirit-animals' lives shorter than our own, so we know we will have to be apart again some day. When we say it's like a piece of us has been ripped apart - it's because that's exactly what happens. But only for a while.

Love is forever. They have gone before us into that Perfect World - where, as the old gospel song says, "every day will be Sunday". One day we will join them there and "what a joyous time that will be." Meanwhile, I have come to believe that during this time of earthly separation, although we cannot see or hearr or touch or cuddle them - and, as Moonbeam says, humans live in a world of senses and when the senses don't 'sense' our minds interpret that to mean that nothing is there. But it's not the same for these spirit-animals. They can see us and hear us and touch us and lie beside us and walk with us exactly as before. Some people get 'hints' of this, some don't. No matter. It's true.

How wonderful it is that our soul-mates understand things much better than we do. They can feel our love even when we cannot see them. They understand the meaning of what we say, even when the words aren't right. They carry with them the incredible gift of a special love.

Through the tears, anger and what-if's, you, Mary, can also be sure that your precious Jeti is watching over you, guiding your moves, sitting on your lap (unless he's a lab or larger!), licking your hand, gazing into your eyes with that incredible love. It is hard to see and feel that love through all the tears and grief, but it's there. And the love of you Lightning Strike family is surrounding you, too.

Breathe deeply, my new friend. Have the best day possible and we'll talk later.

Blessings,

Gretta's mom

Hi, Mary, just stopping by to say hello and to see how you are doing. I'm adding my sincerest sympathies to all the losses you have experienced through the years. It is no surprise to me that the physical loss of your beloved Jeti is surfacing the deep sadness from each of these losses.

Grieving is exhausting, Mary, so it is important that you try to rest as much as possible. Also, it is important that you keep appropriately nourshed. Grieving takes a lot of energy, so even if it's just a cup of broth several times a day it is important that you keep your strength up. The stages of grieving are not a straight line from point A to point Z. There are so many different emotions that overwhelm us, and sometimes all at once. I know the final "stage' is called "acceptance" - - but the names given to the stages of grieving are not entirely accurate. This grief journey is more one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of your beloved Jeti. As Gretta's Mom has shared with you, so I wish to affirm her words: Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. I hope as your deep grief eases you will come to find a peace in your heart and know that each of your loved ones - - including your beloved Jeti - - continue to be a part of you - - continue to share your earthly journey just as they always have and always will - - for they are forever a part of you - - they are forever a heartbeat close to you.

Mary, I hope today is being kind to you and your precious Nikki. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Gretta's Mom and Moon_Beam,

I'm afraid it's not a good day. I keep thinking about the last time I saw Jeti's normal self and then the very last time I saw her. An unbelievable difference in jut a matter of hours. Ken agrees with me that a lot of mistakes were made. I just wonder how many of them were mine. That morning she sat in front of me with Nikki and waited patiently for me to give her a bite of my breakfast toast. After Nikki got a bite, she turned and left. Jeti tried to leave and couldn't. I picked her up and put her in my lap and waited about two hours for the vet place to open up. Jeti was obviously in a lot of pain. She moaned a little under her breath. The first time in her 14 years I'd ever heard her do that.

I'm sorry. I can't go on. Remembering hurts so much.

Thank you again for your support. I can't tell you how much it helps. You are so kind.

Bless you,
Mary

Hi Mary,

I'm sorry that you didn't have a good day. Oh, I remember all too well going over and over painful events in my head, sometimes they even played like a video and I could clearly picture the scene perfectly. This is a normal but particularly painful part of the grieving process. As you've suffered an awful lot of losses in your life, I'm sure you know that it does get easier to deal with in time. Whenever I'd find myself replaying painful memories, I would quickly try to snap myself out of it and focus on the good memories of my fur-baby in healthier times. I found that this really helped, although it's hard to do at the beginning, especially when you're having a crippling grief moment. Always remember that you loved Jeti with all your heart and made all your decisions out of love. It's easy to second-guess ourselves after the event, but at the time when our hearts were breaking, we did the best that we could.

I hope today is a little better for you. Please know what you're in my thoughts and I look forward to hearing how you're doing.

Take care of yourself,
Cheryl x

Cheryl,

Thank you so much for your warm and caring message. I've been off-line for a few days, sort of just collapsed, trying to think of other things. Very depressed and missing my sweet baby so much. I have an appointment to see a therapist tomorrow afternoon.

I've called the vets three times and asked to talk to someone about what specifically caused Jeti's problem. Always told someone would call back but no one has. I need to know exactly what happened. It appears on one is ever going to tell me.

Anyway, I'm getting through the days, though there is no joy.

Peace and blessings to you,

Mary

Hi, Mary, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so sorry that you have not received a response back from the vet to your telephone calls. Perhaps it would be better if you made an appointment with the vet in person. This is important for you to have a face to face follow up to know what happend with your beloved Jeti, and I think your counselor may also agree with this.

I hope your appointment with your counselor goes well tomorrow. You are doing the right thing in seeking professional counseling to help you with your grief journey. Always remember that we are here for you to help you and comfort you in every way we can.

Mary, I hope you will have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to sharing how things are going with you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Mary,

Thanks for updating us on how you're getting on. I, too, am glad that you're seeking the help of a therapist, and I hope that over time this will bring you some comfort. Sorry to hear that the Vet isn't being more helpful. Please let us know how you get on.

Thinking of you,
Cheryl x