Hello everyone. I'm new here and I'm sorry about everyone's pet losses on this forum.

My 12-year-old Yorkie, Bonnie, had to be put to sleep on July 30th after her kidneys stopped working. She'd had Cushing's Disease and Diabetes for almost 2 years but her blood work results were always good for those. I gave 2 insulin injections a day and a pill for the adrenal disease. She was otherwise healthy and happy with a great appetite and funny little personality. Since her medications were doing so well I did not expect her kidneys to give up. She became ill literally overnight and wouldn't eat or drink the first day. I thought she was just nauseated and had maybe a little stomach bug but by the next morning she was no better and could not pee when I took her out.

She was rushed to the vet first thing that morning and her blood work showed that she was in severe kidney failure. It was so bad that they could not even get numbers for how bad it was. The vet gave her fluids all that day and night hoping something might turn around but it didn't. I was advised that the kindest thing and the only fair thing to do was let her go. I still don't know if I did the right thing. I've never seen her so sick that she wouldn't even drink water. I've also never seen her look so sick and miserable. My mother-in-law was with me and suggested we take a picture of her before she was put to sleep and in some ways I'm glad I did because whenever I doubt how sick she was I can see it in the picture and I feel a little less bad about what I did.

I went with Bonnie and the vet into a small room at the back of the clinic where I was allowed to spend several quiet moments with her before she was given any drugs. The lights were off and we only had the sunlight coming in through the window and there was something so peaceful and precious to me about those last moments I spent alone with her. I got to tell her how she was one of the best things that ever happened to me and how much I loved her. The vet gave her the sedative and waited several minutes for her to get drowsy and go to sleep before giving the drug that stops the heart. She slipped away so quickly it was hard to believe but she was able to do it with dignity, which is more than I can say for family members I have watched pass away.

Sometimes I still have moments, like today, where the guilt and sadness are overwhelming and I begin to doubt whether I did the right thing or not. Also I have her littermate, another female Yorkie, who misses her. My husband and I are in our 40s and have no children. That was never a real option for us. My husband developed a mental disorder (nothing dangerous) but a condition which makes him somewhat childlike. These dogs have been my children. So I am left feeling all alone in my grief. I want to talk about Bonnie, laugh about all the silly fun I had with her, look at her pictures, but nobody around me is interested in giving me even a few minutes to do so. Most folks around me have the "it was just a dog" attitude. Even my own family members, who are dog owners, only said they were sorry on the day it happened. Only one cousin who lives far away has even mentioned Bonnie again, and she has been kind enough to check to see how I'm coping.

So I was glad to find this forum with people who feel the way I do. We have lost family members when we lost our pets. These were very important parts of our lives yet the rest of the world seems to think we should just pick up the next day and go on like nothing happened. I miss her so much. I ate with my dogs, slept with them, took them on road trips, stayed in hotels with them, celebrated their birthdays just like they were my kids. I can't pretend it's OK when it isn't.

Long post but I thought I'd introduce myself and my little Bonnie and my feelings all at one time. My heart goes out to every one of you who are going through this.

Hi, BonniesMom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bonnie. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

BonniesMom, this grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of our companions. There is no "getting over" or "moving on" when we are separated from the physical gift of our beloved companions. This grief journey is one of "adjustment to" - - for we are forever united in heart, mind, and soul to our beloved companions. We live in a physical oriented world: sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. When our companions come into our lives, our lives are changed for the better. They become the center of our universe blessed with their unconditional love and undivided attention. We in turn surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation. During their earthly journey, our companions are totally dependent upon us for their every need: feeding, brushing, training, medical care, etc.. We not only establish an emotional bond with them but we also form a physical bond with them as well. Every time they touch us / we touch them, every time they rub up against us, every time they kiss us -- they are marking us with their scent to tell the world that we belong them - -as well as taking our scent onto themselves to tell the world that they belong to us. This is one of the many reasons why it is so very painful for us - - both emotionally and physically - - when our companions precede us to the angels. We are not only grieving the emotional depth of our sadness but we are also grieving the physical separation - - and it is very, very painful, particularly during the deep grief.

"I can't pretend it's OK when it isn't."

Unfortunately our society in general just barely acknowledges the grieving experienced when we lose the physical presence of a human family member or friend. After the funeral, we are expected to continue on with our lives, although public emotional grief moments are "tolerated." Clinical professionals now recognize the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful as that of a human family member or friend, if not more so, and the grief emotions are identical. But our society in general does not, and it is very upsetting when those who are closest to us - - family members, friends, etc. - - extend little empathy, or patience, for the deepest sorrow we will know on this side of eternity.

I assure you, BonniesMom, that each of us DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There will never be a need to put on a "public face" here to disguise how you're doing. This is a safe place where you can come to share whatever is in your heart and on your mind. You are among friends here.

BonniesMom, this grief journey is filled with so many emotions sometimes overwhelming us at one time - - so many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds - - it can make us wonder if we're losing our minds sometimes. I assure you that what you are feeling is normal. It is important that you give yourself permission to grieve for your beloved Bonnie, for the tears you shed are literally healing tears, for they rid the body of the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. The stress of grieving does take a toll on the immune system, so it is important that you eat and drink fluids so that you do not become dehydrated - - even if you can only muster a cup of broth. It is also important that you reduce as much stress as you can so that your body is not overwhelmed. During this deep grief you may find it difficult to focus, to concentrate on things, to remember things, to want to do anything. All of this is normal, I assure you. It will pass as your deep grief eases, so it is important that you try to avoid stressful situations as much as possible.

For now, BonniesMom, just focus on taking one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. I know there are no words in any language right now that can even remotely come close to comforting the seering pain that is in your heart, but I assure you, BonniesMom, that one day - - in your own time and in your own way - - this pain that is in your heart will ease. And as you find this deep grief easing, I hope you will be able to know that your beloved Bonnie is forever with you in your heart and your memories. Her sweet Living Spirit continues to share your life just as she always has and always will. The love bond you share with your beloved Bonnie is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Bonnie is forever a heartbeat close to you.

BonniesMom, thank you so much for sharing your beloved Bonnie with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to posting a picture(s) of her to share with us - - but only if / when you decide. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh Bonnie's mom

My heart goes out to you in the passing of your darling Bonnie. Cushings is a difficult disease - my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) had it and it was a constant low-level battle. Kidney failure is another metter entirely. Gretta was just beginning to get that (I think as a complication of Cushings).

You did the ABSOLUTE right thing in freeing Ms Bonnie from her earthly suffering. It's the hardest decision we have to make - bar NONE. And your true and great love for her showed by your presence at her passing. Not everyone is able to do that, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I, too, stayed with my Gretta and even though it was the saddest moment of our lives together, I'm SO happy I did. As you say, you get to tell them all your loving words, how much they meant to you, how much you loved them. And you get to cradle them in your loving arms as they gross over. YOu're right - it all seems so quick. And the last breath they take and the dropping feeling of their full weight on your arms is something that I'll never forget. I was sitting on the floor in a comfort room of a vet school clinic. I couldn't bear to see them lift her up into the little red wagon they wheeled her in in. Didn't want that picture in my mind. But I did ask to see her face one more time. For a long time I thought that was a mistake - that vision haunted me for months. But know I feel those moments were the tenderest and most loving moments we shared. Your Bonnie knows what a big and loving heart you have.

Gretta passed on April 10. I'm over the intense, searing, burning, exploding pain (took a couple of months). And most days I don't feel the huge concrete block that is encasing my heart. But I do cry - and often. Every time I post here, tears flow. Someone said we hurt in proportion as we loved - so we, you and I, must have given the most spectacular love to our doggies there ever could be. My vet, a supreme man of science, said something that surprised me and has comforted me many times over these last few months. He gave me three big hugs and said, "She's in a safe place now."

People who have never exchanged souls with a special spirit animal DO NOT GET IT. Nothing wrong with them. They just haven't had the experience that transforms your life and your heart. That's why they think that, "It's just a dog." NO, it's NOT just a dog. It is the being in the universe with whom we have exchanged pieces of our souls - bonnie has a piece of yours and you have a piece of hers - forever. For us, it can NEVER be "just a dog".

Bonnie's mom, you've come to the right place. Every one of us has been exactly where you are right now - and I'm willing to bet, knowing what we know, every one of us would change places with you to spare you the major heartbreak that the passing of your Bonnie is. But we're here 24/7 and we're a family, the LS family. Together we are strong and can support each other when someone has had a new loss or is just having one of those days on the grief journey. (One LSer called it the horror roller coaster from H_E_L_L.

Write, cry, post a picture of your Bonnie - keep in touch with your "tribe" who all "get it."

Welcome, my new friend,

Gretta's mom

Thank you for all the kind words. Today has been harder than Monday or Tuesday because I work on those days. At home I'm reminded of Bonnie in every room. My other Yorkie, Belinda, looks for her and it just kills me. Belinda was very independent until now but she won't let me out of her sight. Although she is eating better and not whining like she did the first week.

I'm going to try and upload a photo. Looks like it added as an attachment. I'm not too good at this.

Thanks again for your kindness.

Dear BonniesMom...I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Bonnie. We lost our little Mickey 6 months ago to heart problems. He passed here at home. Years ago we had to put another little dog to sleep, she had kidney failure. Both ways of passing are so heartbreaking.

We still haven't put all of Mickey's things away. It is comforting to see his things and look at the many pictures I have on the computer. I still get tears every day, but it gets a little better as time goes by.

Again BonniesMom, I am so sorry. I'm so glad you found this board. The nice people here are very supportive and comforting.
Thank you for sharing the pic of Bonnie. She is so cute......Come back and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey

Hi Bonnie's Mom

Thank you for posting that wonderful picture of Ms. Bonnie. The sparkle in her eyes is her love for you.

Regards,

Gretta's mom

Hi, BonniesMom, thank you so much for sharing your beloved Bonnie with us, and for sharing this wonderful picture of your little girl with us. I do know how hard it is to see the remaining furchild grieve for her housemate. The good news is that you have each other to comfort one another.

I hope you and your precious Belinda will have a very peaceful evening, and please do let us know how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Bonnie's mom

Just stopping by again to see how you are. Your lovely little Bonnie is smiling at the whole world just like she smiles into your heart. Someday all of us will be together and, in the words of the old preacher, "What a day of rejoicing it will be."

have a good night.

Gretta's mom

Thank you. I'm doing OK today. Worked all day, then my family & I attended a church dinner & devotional time, so it was very comforting.

Last night I had a few bad moments. I woke up because Belinda wanted off the bed, she was too hot, so she went and lay down in the bedroom corner. Later I woke up & thought I saw both dogs but one was just a little pile of black dress shoes I had put in the floor. There for a minute I didn't remember Bonnie was gone & then when I realized it I felt so awful. That first few moments of waking up & remembering my girl is gone are very hard.

Belinda is doing better. She hasn't looked for Bonnie today. I try to keep her busy doing new things & playing with a new toy. Although she is 12 also, she still bounces around like a puppy. She had some visitors today while my husband was home & she enjoyed all the petting.

Thanks so much for your concern. My heart goes out to all of you. I also believe we will be with our pets again. One thing we know about heaven is that it will be even more wonderful than this beautiful world we live in, and I believe that includes our pets in new healthy bodies.

Hi Bonnie's mom

Maybe not, but your vision could have been a visit from Bonnie. Some people have these wisps of sight or hearing from their babies in the perfect World, letting their grieving moms and dads that they're OK and waiting for them. Bonnie is the cutest, smallest dog I ever saw. You truly HAVE written each other's stories on your hearts.

Rest well,

Gretta's mom

Dear Bonnie's Mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little Bonnie - yorkies are just gorgeous! I lost my Mischief cat at 17 years to sudden kidney failure due to medications she was on for feline breast cancer, we got through a year with the cancer and then her kidneys packed it in within a week (and what a living nightmare that week was). Please never doubt that you made the right decision, you can't love someone the way that you loved Bonnie and make a bad decision, you broke your own heart to set her free - the ultimate gift. My first night without Mischief I woke up at 3am looking for her, and then I remembered... and there was all that pain, all over again...I hope you and Belinda have a good day, well, as good as possible, sending hugs Leejaye

Missing my snuggly precious Bonnie today. She loved to cuddle and be in whatever room I was in. No room in the house is safe from missing her because she followed every step I ever took. On the upside, Belinda is doing better. She's being more independent like her old self. I'm happy to see she is going to be Ok.