Hi everyone....Firstly let me apologize if i have posted this in the wrong place.
Being new here i am clueless. I lost my 14 year old siamese Romeo yesterday morning and i just can't cope. The pain i have is just unbearable and the physical ache to hold him is
just overwhealming. All that i keep thinking of is finding him yesterday morning. its all i can see. I just don't know how im going to get through this....but i know i have to. Yesterday seemed easier as i had my
16 year old son with me. But now he is back at school and its just hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep seeing him out the corner of my eye which i know is my mind playing tricks on me but even so its cruel.
I was so afraid to go to bed last night....i dont know why. Ok enough of my rantings like a mad woman. Am i going crazy?

notoriouskitty - No you are not crazy. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You say that you found him, so assume you mean he'd gone to the Bridge when you did. Last December, my beloved Sir Thomas lost his 4 year battle with diabetes. I came home from work that evening to find him on the bathroom floor. The nurse on the phone at the ER clinic assured me he was gone. It's a painful journey this thing called grief. Filled with ups and downs. Guilt and "What if" questions. There are tears and self recrimination. To this day, a sound, a song, just any little thing at all with make me weep for my boy. The good news (if there is such a thing) is that it DOES get more managable with time and support. Although I'm not so eleoquent with words, thera are MANY caring souls here who are, and I'm sure will have words of wisdom and comfort. You are, in fact, in the right place to share your grief. I do, of course want to offer my deepest condolences and sympathy on the loss of your precious Romeo. Come back as often as you need for comfort and support.

Tom, Thersa, and Tang's dad Tracy

Dear Notoriouskitty, No way are you going crazy, and you don't sound like a mad woman - when i lost my Mischief cat I knew I would grieve but was blown away by the enormity of the emotions I felt, I wish I could take away that last picture you have of him in your mind, I promise with time it will slowly be replaced by the good memories of your life together, I know today it seems impossible to believe that, your loss is still so very recent - please come here whenever you need to, this grief journey is one tiny step at a time, be gentle with yourself today, sending huge hugs Leejaye

I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with and so sorry for the loss of your dear kitty.

I have to say I could have written your post. I feel very much the same way having lost my poor baby (Wicket) late Thursday night. I never anticipated how painful it would be and wonder if my reactions and feelings are normal. I don't know, maybe the more we love the more it hurts.

I can't speak to when the pain will go away or if it ever really does as I've never dealt with this before. But know you are not alone in how you feel. I hope you find peace in the memory of your beautiful kitty and I'm sorry that you must endure this.

Dear Notorious Kitty

As Tom's Dad says, you are definitely NOT going crazy. You have just experienced one of the worst losses there are in this world (some of us Lightning Strikers would say it IS the worst!). It's like you've been shot in the heart with a high=powered rifle and are bleeding all over the place. Your experience is made worse by your not having been present when dear Romeo passed into the Perfect World. A wonderful pet-loss counselor told me when I lost my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) last April that these special animals choose their entrances and exits. It's taken my a long time to try to make sense out of the horrible experience - somebody has called it the roller coaster ride from h-e-l-l.

First, I believe that animals and humans are made out of the same "stuff." We can interchange and exchange with each other easily. And some animals are special soul-animals. From what you write, I can tell that dear Romeo is one of these. Special soul-animals are our soul-doubles. They carry a part of our soul with them and we carry a part of theirs (although we dont know it). These amazing beings search all over the universe for their soul-mate. And they find us!!! Then they put themselves into our paths so that, no matter how improbable it is, we meet them. Looking in their eyes is like looking into our own eyes. The instant rush of love tells both of us that we're the ones - the two in the universe who carry parts of each other. it is in this sense that I believe what the grief counselor said.

Before and after living on this earth, Spirit Animals (all animals, actually) live in the Perfect World - perfectly happy in every way. For some reason, known only to them, the spirit animal knows it's time to take on a earthly body and find his soulmate. He's carrying a message, or he's got something to teach us, or he's trying to free up a part of us -- he's on some kind of mission. (One of my Gretta's missions was to teach me the incredible power of just 'being there in love'. But that' a story for another day.) They love us like no one else can, because they ARE us and we are them. We live with them. learn from them and - most important of all - love them and are loved by them. It seems like heaven on earth. But whoever made this universe made animal life spans shorter than humans' - and one day our spirit animal will take off his physical body and return to the perfect World.

This leaves us completely devastated. Why? Because, as Moonbeam (another LS-er) points out, humans live in a world of senses. We have to touch, see, hear, taste or smell something or we say it isn't real. What hurts so *&(*&^(*^ much is that now our soul-mate has taken off his material life and we can't hold him, pet him, play with him, listen to him purr. OF course it hurts - a part of ourselves has been torn away...but only from our perspective. Beings in the Perfect World live in a world of spirits and emotions. We are as real to them as we ever were. They can feel our love and hear our words exactly the same as they could when we could see them. To Romeo, your love was a tangible as a blanket is to us humans. And love knows no bounds of time or space. Even though you weren't physically present when Mr Romeo passed into the Perfect World, you LOVED him at that moment, just as you did for every moment of your life with him. And Romeo experienced that love exactly as though you had been physically present. It can't be any other way.

No, you're not going crazy. if you are, every single one of us on this site is crazy in the same way. This will be one of, if not THE, worst emotional pain you will go through in your entire life. You've gone through a very serious trauma and your brain and body are in emergency mode. A couple of things helped me during those first "shock and awe" days. One, I tried to slow down - body and mind. Thoughts are racing through you mind 100 km/minute, each one more hurtful than the last. Breathe slowlyand eventually the thought will slow down for a little while. Then, I let myself cry - and cry - and cry - and cry and ..... These are good honest (albeit extremely painful) tears. No toxicity associated with them at all.

If you find yourself going into the doing "crazy" things, everyone here has done some things that would surely have brought on the "white coats" had they seen or heard. The first night without Gretta, I velcroed two or her snowsuits (she hated them, but it's cold here in Minnesota, USA) together and made a pillow to sleep on. After a couple of nights, that wasn't enough closeness so I decided to sleep in her dog bed. (I'm a solo, so it's easier to do this stuff. And the bed is a huge orthopedic one, so I almost fit - except for feet sticking out.) Who is going to tell me I can't do that? Lay in a goodly supply of tissue - you'll be breaking into tears in all kinds of places and at all kinds of times.

Unless you're very lucky to have a friend or two who has met his or her soul-animal, people will be kind - ONCE. After that they're clueless because they haven't had the experience themselves. (This is why Lightning Strike is SO important to those of us who have.) People at my workplace don't even ask what's wrong any more when I show up for meetings with eyes red from crying.

Notorious Kitte, do this at your OWN speed. No two grief journeys are the same. But now you're a member of an elite family - the Lightning Strike 'tribe' - who, like you, have known the love of your spirit animal and have experienced their passing into the Perfect World. Welcome to the family, Notorious Kittie. I wish it didn't have to be under such heartbreaking circumstances.

Breathe deeply and be well,

Gretta's mom

Hi, notoriouskitty, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Romeo. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. I know it was traumatic for you to find him, and so unexpectedly. But I do hope in time you will feel comforted in knowing that your beloved Romeo joined the angels in the place that he loves the most: his home filled with the scents and sounds of all that he loves and cherishes.

As Tracy and leejaye have so comfortingly reassured you, so I wish to affirm their comforting words: What you are feeling is normal, including seeing him and feeling him. This is not your imagination, nor is it an hallucination. It is a normal response to the incredible grief that you are feeling, as well as your beloved Romeo's way of letting you know that he continues to be with you now just as he always has been and always will be.

Notoriouskitty, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can even remotely begin to soothe the seering pain that is in your heart right now, but I do hope that you know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no recriminations here.

Perhaps in time you will feel up to sharing with us a picture(s) of your beloved Romeo, and sharing some of your cherished memories of him. The love bond you and your beloved Romeo share is eternal, and I assure you no amount of time of your continued earthly journey will ever diminish the love bond you share.

Notoriouskitty, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Romeo with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam