Yesterday my boyfriend and I made the tough decision to put our cat Molly to sleep. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make in my life. It all happned so quickly. This past Monday we took her to the vet because we knew someething was wrong with her. Her belly had gotten really big and we could see and feel her spine. We thought that she just had a bad case of worms because I brought home a kitten from the shelter I volunteer at and he had worms. When we got to the vet they wanted to test for feline lukemia but that came back negative. The next step was to take a full blood sample and thats what told us what was wrong with her. She was dignosed with auto immune disease...her immune system was basically attacking itself. Her white blood cells were attacking her red blood cells. The vet told us the prognosis wasn't good, she had a 50/50 chance of survival if we gave her meds. We decided that we had to give the meds a chance and brought her home. By Wednesday she was not looking any better, so I made an appointment to bring her back the next day. She had lost 2 lbs in 3 days, so she was down to 5 lbs and also lost more red blood cells. At that point she was very dehydrated and wasn't eating, so the vet gave us the options of force feeding her, doing a blood transfusion or putting her to sleep. We couldn't afford the blood transfusion and she couldn't keep food down...so unfortunatey that left us with putting her to sleep. We knew she was really suffering and didn'y look good at all. We sadly decided to put her to sleep The vet brought her in so we could see her one last time. I just hugged her and petted her and didn't want to let her go. I decided that it would be too hard to be in the room with her when they put her sleep and my boyfriend felt the same way. That was one of my biggest regrets. I REALLy wish one of us was with her. I want to go back to yesterday just so I could be there when she went. I feel aweful that she was alone...she was only 2 years old so she was still little. I keep picturing her little sad, sick face in my head...I am having a really hard time with all of this. The only time I was not upset since it happened was today at work because I kept busy but now that I am home and the Molls was not here to greet me at the door I am crying all over again. I just wish I could see her one last time and to be with her in her final moments

Dear Molls825, I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl - it's so hard to see them suffering, my Mischief cat was diagnosed with cancer a year before I lost her, in the end the cancer meds damaged her kidneys and I lost her in a week - the vet had me give her subq fluids and syringing food cos she wouldn't eat. The last day fluid had built up in her lungs and she could barely breathe or stand - like you, I just couldn't bear to see her like this, so I broke my own heart to set her free, also like you, I think it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Your Molly knows how much you love her, she knows you made your choice thinking of her first, she was wrapped up tight in your love when she left you that last time and that love forges bonds that can never be broken. I found night times to be the hardest - you can get through the day by distracting yourself with busyness, but coming home and those nights without her were so very hard. Please come here whenever you need to, I really hope you find a moment of peace today, sending you some huge hugs Leejaye

Hi, Molls, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Molly. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be healed to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Molls, I hope you will be able to find some peace in your heart about not being with your beloved Molly at the time of the euthanasia process. There is no "wrong" decision. Your beloved Molly knows you did everything in your power to try to help her feel better, and she knows you would move heaven and earth or walk over hot burning coals or roiling lava to give her a happy, healthy earthly journey. Your beloved Molly is eternally grateful to you for your loving care during her earthly journey, and her heart is filled with deepest and eternal gratitude for making the hardest decision you will ever make on this side of eternity - - the decision to mercifully ease her transition journey to the angels. I assure you your love for her lifted her to the arms of the angels where she is in the company of each of our beloved companions helping her to settle in while she patiently waits for your appropriate time to join her in eternal joy.

But for now, and for awhile yet to come, you are faced with one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity: adjusting your earthly journey to the physical absence of your beloved Molly. This is not an easy transition to make, for it is filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

Molls, unfortunately there is no easy way through this grief journey. It can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. And I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that you are feeling in your broken, shattered heart. One of the many things you must remember is that you are never alone during your journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Molls, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Molly with us. Perhaps sometime you will be feel up to posting a picture(s) of your beloved Molly - - but only if / when you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Molls, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Molls825,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Molly. The loss of a family member is so difficult and I’m sure her loss at such a young age caused this to be an even bigger shock to you. I understand the grief you’re feeling but please try to release the guilt. I have had many cats in my life and can tell you first hand, once you are faced with that particular illness, there is really nothing you can do to alter the outcome. Even the transfusion just buys you some time (MAYBE - I had a cat they almost lost on the table during a transfusion, it’s a shock to the body and any creature in a weakened state is vunerable to passing at that time). But the transfusion does not correct the root cause of the illness so within days or maybe weeks, you're facing the same situation again. Ultimately, you decided upon the option that spared your sweet Molly pain and trauma of trying to continue a fight that could not be won. That is an act of pure love and strength.

Also, please don’t beat yourself up about not being in the room with her when she passed. Very often, if an animal is given the option, they will find a way to go off by themselves to pass. As a general rule, it’s not in their genetic makeup to want others present at that time. Not having you in the room is not something that would have traumatized her, especially considering how sick she was. I’m sure that Molly passed, knowing that you loved her and did everything in your power to ensure her best interest was always the priority. I swear to you, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Please know you will be in my thoughts and I hope your heart finds comfort in the wonderful memories of your Molly.

Please take care,

Peggy

Dear Molls

I am SO sorry about the passing of your little kittie, Molly. I want to second the things the other have already said so beautifully. We and our special animals are made of the same 'stuff' - once in a great while an animal who is really our other half searches the universe for his or her other half and miraculously finds us, puts herself in our path so we meet, looks at us with the very look we have in our own eyes - and a rush of love tells us that this fur baby is special. Our animals both come from and return to the Perfect World. While they are her, they retain their power to know and understand things for what they REALLY are. Not like us humans, who think too much and then can't often see through to the heart of things. All of this is to let you know that even though you weren't physically present when Molly went back home, you WERE there, your love was there, your heart was there, your tears were there - and these are the REAL things. For SURE Molly felt them exactly as though your physical presence were there. It's hard to explain. Moonbeam says so insightfully that we humans live in a world of senses - if we don't see, hear, touch, tast or smell something, it's not real for us. But spirit animals live in the spirit world - where feelings are as real as senses. Love - your love for Molly and her love for you - knows no time or space. It's infinite in both directions.

You're in a very agonizing place right now - one of the worst experiences this side of heaven. You've been physically separated from a part of your soul. Molly took a little piece with her - and left you a little piece of hers. The first few days and weeks are hades-on-earth. Hurricane whatever-it-is doesn't have half the water that our tears do during this horrible time. But these tears, thought they hurt like they will kill you, are good tears. They are tears of pure love. We hurt in proportion as we love. You Molly, my Gretta, and all the other precious babies who have disappeared are the lucky ones. They've made it to the Perfect World. And one of the really good things about the Perfect World is that they are still by our sides, exactly as they were when we could see them. WE are the ones who are bereft because we have only our sense to rely on.

Please be kind to yourself during this shell-shock phase. Tears will come at unexpected times. People will look at you funny after a while and say things they think are comforting - but really aren't. These are the people who have not had the miraculous privilege of having been visited by their own soul-animals. But we here on Lightning Strike DO understand. We've been through the greatest love there is and are struggling to keep on in spite of the fact that our senses lie to us and tell us our babies are gone. They're not. They're right here, loving us, taking care of us, and being loved by us the same as always. And we, the LS tribe, are always here for you. Alone we're like broken straws, but together we're strong and we DO understand.

Welcome to the family, Molls. I only wish the price of admission weren't such heartbreak.

Gretta's mom

Thank You everyone for your words of encouragement. I know we did everything we could with the limited finances we currently have...we both just graduated college this past May so neither one of us has much money right now. I just wish this would have happened later when we were more finanically stable and could've tried the blood transfusion. Molly was our first pet together and was like our baby. Since she died so young at the age of 2 her life was cut too short and we didn't have much time to spend with her. My boyfriend always joked that she would be around until she was 20 because she was such a petite cat with an attitude. I know things will eventually get better, I just hope it's sooner than later because we have another kitten who needs our love and attention. I know this sounds terrible but I am having a hard time wanting to spend time with our kitten because I miss the Molls so much. I know she is in a better place and is not suffering which is comforting to know but I just want to see her again. Thank You all for being so kind to me and sharing your stories and words of encouragement with me to help me get through this sad time.

Here are a couple of pictures of the Molls:
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This is my favorite picture of her. I think this was taken the week we brought her home.

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Molly playing on my laptop. Taken this past winter.

Hi, Molls, thank you so very, very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these wonderful pictures of your beloved Molly. I do so understand how you are feeling about the brevity of your beloved Molly's earthly journey with you, as well as the sorrow you are feeling about not being "financially" secure to proceed with intense medical care for her.

Unfortunately, when we embrace our precious companions into our hearts and home we do so with no guarantee of how much earthly time we will have with them. The reality is that our earthly journey with our precious companions is NEVER long enough - - even when we are blessed to have the privilege of their company for 6, 10, 15 years. We will ALWAYS want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more month, one more year - - one more lifetime with them.

Likewise, unfortunately, there comes a time when all the gold in China or Fort Knox will not change the course of our precious companions' medical status, nor the heartbreak of having to make the most sorrowful decision we will know on this side of eternity - - to release our precious companion from their physical body - - and physical presence. Part of this grief journey is "coming to terms" with what we could not change - - and that being the fact that we are in reality mere mortals with limited abilities and resources.

The good news is that our precious companions do not care what our social status is, where we live, what our financial wealth is, and all the other human defined socially acceptable standards may be. All they want from us - - AND WITH US - - is to be loved - - first and foremost - - and once that bond is established - - they KNOW all the rest will follow to the very best of our limited abilities. YOU, Molls, are your beloved Molly's FOREVER MOM - - through ALL ETERNITY. The love bond you share with your beloved Molly is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. NOTHING regardless of how much time passes during your continued earthly journey will ever change this. And no amount of time that passes will deprive you of the many treasured memories you have of your beloved Molly that only YOU are blessed to have in your heart. Your beloved Molly is forever with you in your heart and your memories - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

"I know this sounds terrible but I am having a hard time wanting to spend time with our kitten because I miss the Molls so much."

Molls, what you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. Your heart is buried in the veil of deep grief, and it is very hard to embrace the presence and needs of a new furchild. I hope in some way you will find taking care of this little one will bring some comfort to you. Sometimes our precious companions bring new family members into our lives knowing that they will be physical leaving - - to help comfort us in our deep sorrow and bring joy to our hearts and lives again. Your little kitten knows your heart is shattered right now. This little one will NEVER "replace" your beloved Molly. I do believe that "love comes softly" -- day by day - - through the course of taking care of your little one. All he wants is to have his own place in your heart, and as your deep grief eases I hope and pray you will discover this has happened, and will find great happiness in your heart to be sharing his earthly journey.

I know these are words - - words that may make some "intellectual" sense to you, but words that are hard to grasp right now with your heart. That's okay, Molls. My hope is that someday as your deep grief eases that you will be able to find some peace in your heart and find some comfort in these words.

Molls, thank you again so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these wondeful pictures of your beloved Molly. What a sweet, precious little girl she is, and how blessed you are for being her FOREVER MOM. I hope today is treating you and your little one kindly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Molls, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Molly,i have just read your post and my heart is absolutely breaking for you,what an awful thing to lose your baby at only 2,so,so sad.There are no words that really comfort us or stop the tears and nothing that you can do to make yourself feel better,it is literally a black hole of despair.Just know that we are all here for you,i wish we could all meet up one day but i think our tears might drown the world!Be kind to yourself and your new furbaby (when i lost my first baby she was 17 and a half,4 months on having agonized over the decision i got a kitten and just like you i really struggled to bond with her and resented her in a weird way but now 13 years on we are still together and love each other a crazy amount,she is so special to me even though she is a slightly unbalanced cat who thinks she is a dog,that is another story!).Anyway look after each other and remember you will be reunited 1 day at Rainbow Bridge.*********

Hi Molls

Please don't worry about seeming not to want to spend much time with your baby kittie because your heart is too broken from Ms Molly's disappearing. About three weeks after my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) passed, I brought in a "son" - another rescue dog - a black lab-Newfie mix - definitely a boy. Gretta is SO gentle, a "velcro" dog - followed me around everywhere, mostly with her head down (which ended up being a neurological condition that eventually took her earthly life). Rufus is several years younger, much bigger and definitely NOT the snuggling type. I got Rufus because my arms had no one to hug and my heart had no one physically present to love.

My heart was SO divided. After a few days I had a talk with rufus, assuring him he wasn't a "replacement" dog, the he was loved for himself. Peggy and Moombeam assured me that not eevery love was a rush of love at first sight. Sometimes it's like little tendrils that form day by day and one day you wake up and realize that your hearts are so intertwined they can't be separated.

Animals are WAY smarter than people. They live in a world where feeling are as tangible as things are to us. Your baby kittie knows you love him even if you only give him a few pats now and then. It's minute by minute where you are - and we're all with you - the LS family.

Blessings

Gretta's mom

Sorry for taking so long to get back on here. I have been busy at work which has been a great distraction from all of this. Each day that passes now seems to get easier and easier for me. I am now able to talk about Molly without getting too upset like I had before. I still think about her everyday and think to myself how weird it still is around the house without her. This Thursday will be exactly a week since we had to put her down and unfortunately I do not have work to distract me, so hopefully I can make it through the day okay. As I have said before, Thank You all for your kind words and support!

Hi, Molls, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Being busy can be a welcome refuge from the stress of grief, but it is still important for you to allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for your beloved Molly in the way that is helpful for you. The angel-versaries can be very difficult, particularly so early in the grief journey, so please know we are here for you whenever you may need some support and encouragement and comfort.

I hope today is being kind to you and your little kitten, Molls. Please know you both are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam