Hi all. My name's Jen, and I'm here because I lost my Jasper just two days ago. I never knew his exact age -- he was originally my mother-in-law's cat, and she doesn't remember for sure, but he was somewhere around 16 or 17. In February of this year, I noticed he seemed a little out of sorts. I didn't think much about it at the time, because he's had arthritis and IBD for years, so I just figured he was having a flare up of one or both. Also, I'd adopted a rescued c.o.c.k.atiel (the censor apparently has an issue with the name of my type of bird because of the first four letters) in January, and it turned out that Buzzy had several health issues and needed lots of care, and I figured Jasper was jealous of the time I was spending with the bird. In March I noticed Jasper had lost quite a bit of weight on top of the other issues, so I took him to the vet, and he was diagnosed with diabetes. We treated him with insulin injections twice a day, and he seemed to perk up quite a bit, and his glucose tests always checked out fine.

At his monthly check up last week, we discovered he'd lost a bit of weight again, so the plan was to give him a full physical with a complete blood workup at his next visit (and he went in once a month). Well, this past Sunday night, I noticed him stumbling, and my first thought was "hypoglycemia!" so I gave him some corn syrup and food, and he seemed to perk up some. I stayed up with him until 3:30am, and he seemed to be a little tired, but otherwise okay. When I woke up Monday, he ran to the bedroom door and meowed at me as normal, so I figured he was fine. I took care of him, my other furbaby, and the featherbaby, and then headed out for my volunteer shift at a wildlife rehab. When I got home that evening, I found Jasper stumbling again, right around the time his morning insulin should have worn off, which told me it probably hadn't been hypoglycemia. The vet's office was closed for the night at that point, but I'd already decided I would call in the morning.

He only ate a few bites of his dinner that night, and he wouldn't accept much handfeeding. He mostly just took the food into his mouth, chewed it a bit, and let it fall out again. He couldn't get down the stairs to his litter box (and my husband didn't want to move the box upstairs), so I carried Jasper up and down the stairs every couple of hours, so he could go. He peed, but didn't have any bowel movements. The next morning, he couldn't even stand up all the way (he was walking LOUDLY and on his entire back paws). He also kept walking into things, and seemed to be in pain. He didn't react when we talked to him or said his name. Of course, we took him to the vet.

The vet examined him, and said it looked like Jasper's nerves were shot from the diabetes. He said that they could hospitalize him and try a few things that might help him for a little while, but he didn't think it would do much good long term. So, my husband and I made the decision to let Jasper go. We decided to stay with him for the euthanasia, because we didn't want him to go with only the vet and techs with him. I don't regret it, but it was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done. The vet and techs were great, but when they put in the needle, ever ounce of my being wanted to scream "STOP!", and when they injected the liquid, I felt a sensation I've never felt before, and am not looking forward to experiencing again. I can't explain it, but it was like a piece of myself died along with Jasper.

The rest of that day actually wasn't too bad. I'd already had an appointment scheduled for Buzzy's "well birdie" checkup that afternoon (different vet's office, since Jasper's vet doesn't see birds), and I decided to keep it, thinking that taking care of another pet's needs would help, and it did. I also think my bird and Hook, our other kitty, knew we were hurting, because Buzzy stayed firmly planted on my shoulder for most of the rest of the day, and Hook snuggled with my husband.

However, yesterday and today have been miserable. I've actually started off okay in the mornings, but at around 11:00am each day (roughly the time of day Jasper passed), I've lost it. I haven't made it through a full day of work (fortunately, my boss seems very understanding). When I came home today, Hook kept looking at the door and at my arms, and I KNOW he was looking for Jasper. The rest of the day has been a roller coaster. I'll feel fine for a little while, and then I'll feel that awful pain and cry my eyes out for a little while. Hanging out with Buzzy and Hook helps, but I try to leave them alone when I'm at my worst, because I don't want them to pick up on that and feel miserable, too.

I just miss him so much, and I'm starting to go through the guilt phase. I can't help but wonder if I should have asked the vet try to try to save him (because you just never know), or if it would have made a difference if I'd taken him in back in February when I first noticed something was off. Or if I'd taken him in on Monday instead of Tuesday this week. Or if I'd asked to do the full physical and blood workup right after we noticed the new weight loss. I also wonder if the fact that I occasionally slept in a bit and gave Jasper his shot a little late had anything to do with it (the vet had previously told me it was okay once in awhile, because the insulin Jasper was on was the most forgiving one, but I still can't help but wonder!)

I just miss my kitty.

Hello Jasper's mom

I am SO sorry at the passing of your beautiful cat, Jasper. Your loss is so fresh that your mind and heart are in shock and you can't think two thoughts in a row. That's normal - although it hurts like you know what. Every one of us who has been found by and loved by and love a special soul-animal has been through this terrible loss experience - or will be soon. We hurt in proportion as we love. These special animals (our American Indians call them "white buffalos") truly are made of the same "soul stuff" as we are. Moonbeam said once that we exchange parts of each other's souls - you give a piece of your soul to Jasper and he gives a piece of his soul to you - forever. Love is infinite and it knows no time dimension. Jasper will always be with you, just like before. You just won't be able to see or touch him - and that's part of the pain.

And I think every one of us has gone through the "what if" or "why didn't I" lists: Why didn't I notice sooner? What if I had acted sooner? done more? tried something different? When someone loves a fur baby as much as you love Jasper, it's a GUARANTEE that you did youur very best and much more for him - after all, he's really you. Ancient survival needs mean that, unlike people, animals conceal pain, distress, sickness extremely well. Once symptoms appear, it's really a serious problem. People give much more warning, so I think we tend to interpret our fur baby's behavior as though a person were doing it - and it wouldn't be that bad. I know I did that with Gretta. It HURTS when your best friend and soul-mate leaves you for the Perfect World - especially suddenly. Whoever made the universe made animals' life spans shorter than humans' - and then gave humans the 'gift' of language so we could express both happiness and pain.

You're in the shell-shock period. You've experienced a severe trauma and your mind, heart and body are in survival mode. Once I said it was like being shot in the heart with a high-powered rifle and bleeding all over everything. Go slowly. Your mind will probably run the awful scenario over and over as if on an endless tape loop. One thing I found to survive that was to shut my mind off as much as I could and just experience the pain - and it is H_E_L_L! But at least the tape loop isn't going on and on and on. Rest. Cry. Do things that others would think were "crazy" (I was so sad and lonely that I slept on Gretta's dog bed for a few nights). They only think that because they are not lucky enough to have been found and loved by their other-halves. The body and mind can't sustain this shock mode for very long (a few days or a couple of week usually). After that it's the long "carrying around a huge concrete block on your heart and body" period. I'm in the fourth month after Gretta's passing and I'm crying like a baby writing this to you!

This site has helped me more than anything - it's been a life saver - a miracle. Every one of us has gone through the agony of being parted from their soul-mate. People grieve at different rates, yes, but we've all had to come though the dark night of the soul (some of us are still there) so we truly know what it's like. And, when the rest of the world is telling you "just get over it" or "it's only a pet" we KNOW how much that stuff is NOT TRUE. We're here for each other - any time day or night. Alone we're broken and weak but as a band of brothers and sisters, we're strong - we can lend each other comforting words, thoughts, prayers ... and together we can make it.

Be kind to yourself, Jasper's mom. Jasper is still guiding you and watching over you and loving you and being loved by you - exactly as he was when you could see him and touch him. Love knows nothing about time.

Hold on to something of Jasper's and just keep breathing - in and out - that's your only assignment for the next few days. Thank you for sharing the story of your beautiful Jasper. Pleas keep us up on how you're doing.

Your new friend,

Gretta's mom

Hi, Jen, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Jasper. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Jen, diabetes in our furkids is exactly the same as it is in humans. Eventually it does take its toll on the physical body, and there does come a point in time when all the insulin in the world cannot be of any help. Once the nerve damage has taken effect - - as it is a progression of the diabetes - - there is nothing that can reverse it. I do know how very difficult it is for you right now, but I hope you will eventually find some peace in your heart and mind that you truly did the very best for your beloved Jasper by releasing him from his failing physical body so that he can now be happy and healthy in the company of the angels and all of our beloved companions who have preceded us to the angels.

"The rest of the day has been a roller coaster."

Jen, this grief adjustment journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. There are so many emotions that can overwhelm all at one time - - so many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. Sometimes we can feel like we hardly know which way is up - - or out. Please know that you what you are feeling is absolutely normal, and it is important that you allow yourself the opportunity to grieve the physical absence of your beloved Jasper. Some people think that if they suppress their sorrow that their grief will not hurt quite so badly. However, clinical studies have proven that suppressed grief at some point in time leads to both physical and emotional consequences that will eventually need to be dealt with. So, please allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for your beloved Jasper.

"Hanging out with Buzzy and Hook helps, but I try to leave them alone when I'm at my worst, because I don't want them to pick up on that and feel miserable, too."

Buzzy and Hook are grieving the physical absence of their family member Jasper, too. They already know how deep in sorrow you are. Our beloved companions are very smart - - there is very little we can hide from them because they can see beyond the facade we try to put on. It really is okay to share your heart with them - - your deepest sorrow even as you are comforting them. You have lost the physical presence of a very important family member, and it is very healthy for you to grieve together.

Is there any "good news" in the midst of all this deep sorrow and pain? Yes, and Gretta's Mom has already so comfortingly shared with you the good news, and so I wish to affirm her words: Love is eternal. It is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Jasper is forever with you in your heart and your memories - - including Buzzy and Hook. Nothing can ever take this away from you, however long your earthly journey continues. Your beloved Jasper's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will. He is always a heartbeat close to you.

Jen, even with all the comforting words shared with you right now I do know there are no adequate words in any language that can begin to soothe the seering pain of loss you are enduring. Unfortunately there is no easy way through this grief adjustment journey, no fast forward or delete buttons to press to speed up the process or make it go away. This grief journey can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time, but please know you are never alone in your journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Jasper with us, and perhaps sometime you would like to share a picture(s) of him with us - - if / when you are up to it. Speaking for myself, I can only hope that in some way as you read the words I share with you they will in some way bring comfort, encouragement, and hope to your heart. Please know you, Buzzy and Hook are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, moon_beam and Gretta's Mom for your great responses. They did bring me a bit of comfort this evening.

Shortly after I read them, I felt what felt like a cat tail brushing across the top of my foot, and Hook was on the other side of the room!

I was planning on writing more, but I'm falling asleep, so it's off to bed for now. In the meantime, here's one of my favorite pics of Jasper (taken last Christmas):




Thanks again, and goodnight!
Jen

Oh Jen

what an amazingly sweet kittie! Love just SHINES out from his eyes. He's one of those very special animals whose beautiful soul shines on his face. My Gretta was like that too. People she'd never met, people who crossed our path on walks, often said she was "kind." Kindness is usually something you DO - some good deed or sacrifice. Gretta showed me - like your kitty is showing the world - that kindness and goodness and love is something you ARE. And when you are, it shines out on your face.

Thank you for the beautiful picture - my soul has been strengthened. Your kitty definitely visited you- they do that to tell you they're OK and safe and out of pain and in the Perfect World - and now they're taking care of you just the same as they did when you could see and touch them. You are one luckly lady and WONDERFUL mom.

Your LS friend,

Gretta's mom

Hi, Jen, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing and for honoring us with this wonderful picture of your handsome Jasper. Thank you so very much.

I am so very glad your beloved Jasper stopped by to give you a "good night rub" to let you know that he continues to be close to you - - always and forever.

I hope today has been kind ot you and your precious Buzzy and Hook, and I hope you and your furkids will have a very peaceful weekend. Plesae know you and your fur tribe are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to sharing with you how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks again to both of you! I'm glad you like the picture -- it's the one I have where his personality shows the most. Almost everybody he met loved him. The staff at the vet's office always said things like, "He's such a good cat! So friendly!" Sounds like Gretta had the same effect on people. (I'll bet her and Jasper are becoming friends right about now).

Today was a little bit better. I made it through most of my shift at work. I think it was more because I was too physically and emotionally exhausted to really feel much. I haven't slept much the past several days (starting Sunday night, when I was up until 3:30am with Jasper), maybe five hours a night on average. I was tired and went to bed early enough to get seven hours last night, but as soon as I laid down, Hook started howling. Since he's usually not allowed in the bedroom thanks to my husband's asthma, I got up, went back to the living room, and sat with Hook for a little while. He seemed content, so I went back to bed... and he resumed howling. I decided to let him in the room, which made him happy, but he insisted on walking all over us, constantly demanding petting. He finally settled down around 2:00, but started up again a little before 7:00. He's seemed fine so far today, but we'll see how he is once he's alone again.

Buzzy has been quieter than normal the past couple days. That's sometimes a sign of illness in birds, but he checked out fine at his vet appointment a few days ago, and his test results came back normal. He also acted quiet when my husband went out of town a couple months ago, so I suspect he does miss Jasper, even though they mostly ignored each other (I'll have to call the vet if he doesn't perk up within the next few days though, or if I see any other symptoms).

I did have a bit of a breakdown when I was driving home from work and didn't have to stop at the pet store to pick up Jasper's food, as I normally do on Fridays. (He and Hook ate different foods, due to Jasper's IBD and diabetes, and I'm well stocked up on Hook's food). Then I cried more when I got home and caught myself expecting to see him. Otherwise, I've just been kinda numb today.

Dear Jen, Moon_beam and Gretta's Mom have given you such wise and kind words - I can't really add much to them except to say my heart aches for you and your Jasper (and he is a very handsome boy I have to say!!), this is such a hard journey...I hope you can grab a couple of hours sleep and that Buzzy and Hook are okay, take care, sending hugs Leejaye

Hi, Jen, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Buzzy and Hook are doing. What you are describing with both Buzzy and Hook are normal feelings of grief in the physical absence of their companion Jasper. It took close to 2.5 years for my precious little Noah to accustom himself to the physical absence of his big adopted kitty brother Eli. They were so emotionally close to each other, and it was very, very hard emotionally for my Noah, as it was for me. Even though it "seems" like some fur and feathered family members more or less "ignore" each other, there is still both a physical and emotional energy that is present - - and appreciated. When this "energy" is no longer present, it changes the entire structure of the family unit - - and hence, this grief journey involves "re-inventing" and "re-structuring" and "adjusting" the family unit to a "new reality" - - which is very painful both emotionally and physically - - and it just takes time, Jen - - one day at a time.

I remember so well the drives home from work bursting with gut-wrenching sobbing after a day of suppressing the deep sorrow at my job. I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could go to compose myself so that I could go back to my desk and resume my work. And the shopping - - and the coming home to that one "instant" of anticipation because we are still "adjusting" to the horrible "new reality" - - it is very, very hard.

Some people think that suppressing their grief will make their adjustment journey less painful. Clinical studies prove that the opposite is true. Although this grief journey is the hardest experience we will know on this side of eternity, it is much healthier - - both physically and emotionally - - to allow ourselves the opportunity to grieve. The tears you are shedding are literally healing tears, Jen, for they help to release the toxins that build up in the body due to the stress of grief. So, please give yourself permission to grieve for your beloved Jasper as you feel comfortable doing so.

Jen, I hope today is being kind to you and your precious Buzzy and Hook. Thank you again so very much for sharing with us how each of you are doing. Please know you and your precious Buzzy and Hook are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to sharing with you how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks leejaye, and thanks again, moon_beam!

I had to work the entire weekend (I work at a museum, and I usually work Wed. - Sun.). It was slow for the most part, which is a good thing. I'm lucky to have quite a few animal-lover co-workers, and they were willing (and had time) to listen to me when I needed to talk. One of them lost a beloved cat to renal failure about a year ago now, so she could completely relate! I've found that just talking helps a lot. I still feel the pain of course, but it helps me work through it.

Hook and Buzzy seem to be doing a bit better, though Buzzy seemed quiet again this evening when I had him out in the living room with me. The evening "social hour" (usually more like two or three hours) is when he and Jasper would see each other. Hook's still yowling when he's left alone, but I've discovered that leaving a light on for him at all times helps.

It's been exactly one week now since I saw Jasper stumble. I kinda knew then that he wasn't going to be around much longer, but I was thinking a couple months. Not less than two days! Or maybe I was just trying to be optimistic. I seem to remember telling him "I'm not ready," when I was putting the corn syrup on his gum.

On the plus side, I could have sworn I saw him out of the corner of my eye for a second earlier tonight. I'd thought I'd seen him before, but each time, I figured out what I'd actually seen. This time, there was nothing in the area I could have possible confused with a kitty.

Hi, Jen, thank you so much for sharing with us how you, and your precious Buzzy and Hook are doing. I'm glad to know that you have co-workers who are empathetic to your feelings of grief. It is always helpful when you feel you can trust someone to talk to.

Jen, I can honestly tell it doesn't matter how long we are blessed with the physical presence of our precious companions. There simply is no way on the face of this earth that we can EVER "prepare" ourselves for the moment when they must physically leave us. We will ALWAYS want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more month, one more - - lifetime - - with them. Our earthly journey with our beloved companions is NEVER long enough.

Thank you again for sharing with us how you and your Hook and Buzzy are doing. I hope today is being kind to each of you, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, Jen, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you, Hook, and Buzzy.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam