My dearest, darling, wonderful, loving Trevor,

Tonight marks the one month anniversary of the last night we spent together. It was such a hard night for me and you had a bit of trouble sleeping, but we were toether on the floor, on your blankets. I didn't want the night to end because I knew what the morning would bring. Hopefully, you didn't, other than more medicine to help the pain and more of that yummy salmon canned dog food!

Thank you, Trevor, for coming into my life and turning it completely upside down. You taught me lessons on love, patience, acceptance, trust and so much more in such a short period of time. How were we to know that our time together would only be 790 days? But I promise you that every one of those days was so special. There will never be days like that again, not in my lifetime. Not ever, because they were OUR days together. Thank you for your gifts of love and tenderness, of tolerance and joy, of bloody marrow bones all over the carpet, but only in mom's hands, of switching from regular to Honey Nut Cheerio's, of lying on the floor in the upstairs hallway because you were either not ready or tood scared to come down the stairs yet. Thank you for always wanting to know exactly where I was and for being able to detect, while you were in a deep sleep, when I was going into the bathroom, so you could get your Cheerio's.

Trevor, you were and are a gift from God, a blessing in my life that will continue blessing me for all time. You were the epitome of love and the acceptance of all the suffering you endured at the hands of your illnesses, a few of the vets and one sadistic groomer. This you accepted in silence. You were a silent sufferer, although I could always see it in your eyes. That's what hurt the most - that I could not take away all the suffering, even though I tried. I would have given my life to take the pain away from you. But that was not to be. Even as things got worse, and you nneded me more and more, you always had your dignity and such a tremendous capacity to be so grateful. You were the best, Trevor, and still are. I wish we could be together right now, but I guess we'll have to wait awhile for that.

Please know, my love, how much mommy loved you with all her heart and soul. And how she continues to love you more each day. I may be sad tonight and tomorrow, but I know you'll understand from your Perfect Home, part of which is in my heart and soul. I love you, Trevor. I can't seem to say it often enough: I LOVE YOU, TREVOR!

XOMommyXO

Oh Bobbie

What an amazingly beautiful letter to Trevor Forever. You have so much in your heart and express it so beautifully. You and Trevor didn't exchange PARTS of your souls, you are clearly ONE soul. How heartbreaking it must have been to see the pain in his beautiful eyes and not be able - no matter how much you love him - to take it away. Trevor clearly is teh bravest little dog who ever lived. Dignity and the ability to keep on giving love through his awful physical circumstances and some pretty heartless - downright evil - people. If only we humans could be one percent that good. You are a living testamony to the power of Trevor's amazing love. In spite of the shattering heartbreak of not being able to physically see Mr Trevor, you are still standing, silently as far as the world knows, opening your heart to people in need, and now opening your arms to the brother that Trevor is sending to you. You are one amazing woman, sister!

Gretta's mom

Today is a very hard day for me. Trevor died one month ago at approximately this hour. I still feel all the physical and emotional pain, as well as see the situation perfectly in my mind. Oh my Trevor, how mommy misses you and wishes every second that we could be together again, but only if you are out of pain completely. I am just now realizing how courageous you really were - all the time, day and night. I'm so glad that you came to realize that neither daddy nor I were ever going to do anythng to hurt you. There were times we had to put drops in your ears, but those hot dog slices were always there at the same time. I do have some regrets, wishing I could have done more for you and saved you from more of your pain. But you and I know that we did the best we could as a team. So I guess, eventually, there will be no regrets.
One thing, I am very grateful for, is that te Rescue Group lied to me about you and your condition. I really think you would have come to our house anyway and been the perfect little guy you were!
May today be one of joy and love for you. Have a party - find a new, juicy marrow bone. Mommy's going out to the cemetery now and see if your headstone is finally here!
I love you, Trevor, with all my heart and soul. You are the best and the bravest doggie that every lived.

XOXOMommyXOXO

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so much for sharing your heart filled love letter to your beloved Trevor with us, and for sharing with us how you're doing. It doesn't seem possible that a month has gone by already since your beloved Trevor joined the angels - - it feels to me like it was just now. How is that a month has gone by already??

"I do have some regrets, wishing I could have done more for you and saved you from more of your pain. But you and I know that we did the best we could as a team. So I guess, eventually, there will be no regrets."

I promise you, Bobbie, that one day the lingering "regrets" that are in your heart will ease and will be strengthened by the truth that you totally did everything in your power to give your beloved Trevor a happy, healthy, and love-filled life with you.

I hope Trevor's headstone is in place today, and again, if you'd like to share a picture of it with us it would be an honor to see it. I hope and pray with all my heart that everything is okay with his resting place.

I hope today is being kind to you, my friend, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bobbie, and look forward to sharing your news. (Any new news about Dreamer?)

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Trevor,

Thank you for the wonderfu life you gave me. I miss you so much and love you even more. You ARE the bravest little dog that ever lived. Save a place in Heaven for me, OK?

With the deepest love there is,
XO Mommy XO

Oh Bob

Of course you will have a place in heaven ... right next to Trevor and always among the "tribe" of birds and dogs that you have welcomed and made "LaSovs". All of them love you as much now as when you could see them. The love you shared with Trevor is something truly rare in this world. It is so strong that nothing in heaven or on earth can diminish it one bit. It grows every day. You're right ... it is a good thing that horrid rescue organization did all that lying. it was in the Divine plan to bring beautiful Trevor Forever into your home and heart, where he could be loved, cared for and truly treasured. Only you - and I mean that - could have loved him enough to have gone to the best pet hospital on earth to find out what was REALLY causing his pain, and then to move heaven and earth to do the best humanly possible to keep him in as little pain as possible. All the while he felt the tremendous love you have for him ... and that was a huge and powerful anesthetic that put a loving, curative cloud between his heart and his pain. Only you, Bobbie, only you were the one in all the world that could do this - and you two did move the universe to make it happen. Bask in the love and cool sunshine that Trevor, the White Buffalo dog, the bravest little dog who EVER lived or will live, is shining down on you.

Your sis

Gretta's mom

I just want it the way it was. Trevor, with the medication working and out of pain, and me lying next to him, feeding him Cheerios or holding his paw in my hand. Snuggling under "our" blanket in the morning. Or just watching him do whatever he wanted to do.
I am so incredibly sad again tonight. Why does this happen, night after night? I don't want another dog. I want Trevor. I know that is so selfish of me. He was in agony at the end. Why would I want him back with me in that condition? I wouldn't. But I want the loving little boy that made me feel so loved and gave me a real purpose in life: taking care of him, making him feel loved and content, being with him so he'd never be hurt by any other animal or human in his life (this last one didn't work out so well, even though I tried my hardest).

Now I don't have my little guy to look at, to tell him I'm right here, that he's such a good boy, that things will be better, THAT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, that mommy will always be there for him, to hold his marrow bones so he could enjoy both the meat and the marrow. I miss him so badly that my heart is shredding even more and my soul is being crushed inch by inch. I hurt, inside and out. I don't know what to do...to make this not so much about me, but about Trevor. I can't write in his manuscript when I am crying so hard and remembering makes me cry even harder. I'm a mess. And it's been a month and nothing is better.....at all.

My husband tells me that he is under tremendous stress, which he really is, but one of the stresses that is adding a great deal right now.....is the new, potential dog might ruin this new carpet too! And that we don't have money to replace it again! What the hell? I was so desperate to not lose another (potential at this point) dog that I agreed that if Dreamer does "too much damage" in two weeks that we could return him and he would be fostered up here, instead of down south where his conditions aren't that good. What was I thinking? I had to be out of my mind.

Trevor, I think you may need some of Rudy's help on this one.

I feel just as badly ths minute as I did when I began this message, but I'm not crying (probably because I'm mad at my hubby now, too). So I'll take this opportunity to say good night and try to get some sleep.

AND TREVOR, DON'T FORGET: MOMMY LOVES, LOVES, LOVES YOU!

Bobbie

Dear Bobbie

You know what I think of loving, soul-mate dog vs carpet! You've had so much disappointment and heartbreak in the last month that everything is magnified a thousand percent. Plus, at a month out, even though I already had Rufus, I was dissolving in tears many times a day, too. It hurts as though it will never go away - and having Mr Sympathetic on the job only makes it hurt MUCH worse. But don't worry ... Trevor Forever, Gretta, all your boys (and me, the tiger sister), and all the Lightning Strike animals are getting a posse together to send down a lightning strike to open the door for you. Just say "no" to the two weeks. Remember anger gives a person adrenaline shots and the energy of adrenaline is converted into whatever emotion is most powerful at the time. For you it's sadness. (Where do you think PMS comes from?)

I'm on the job for you, Bobbie, and so are all your LS family.

We're marching ........

Gretta's mom

Oh, and by the way, the reason it's called the Perfect World is that you DO get to have things EXACTLY the way that makes you most happy - for you: just the way you described in your last post. It's coming ..... but WHEN, WHEN, WHEN!!!!!!!

Here we go again..........................one of those not-so-good nights.

But I noticed one thing while really studying Trevor's picture on my computer. If you look directly at his eyes, blocking out most of everything else.....HE HAS ANGEL EYES!!!!! He truly does! He's looking right at you and right through you. That is so sweet and wonderful to discover!

Trevor, I love and miss you so, so much. I hope you had a good day today and have a gentle night's sleep tonight. I'm going to try and go to sleep with your picture and your baggie o hair. That poor baggie - it's in pretty bad shape already, but I know you don't mind.

Mommy will write a LONG note tomorrow and will see if that cemetery "director" has gotten your headstone yet. So far, he's only 3 weeks late. But we'll give him another chance. I'm going to call your Grandmom tomorrow, too. We haven't talked and we need to. She loves you so much, too.

I LOVE YOU TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoMommyxo

Hi Bobbie,

Just checking in on you. I hope you are having a peaceful night with wonderful, happy thoughts of your sweet Trevor. I know he is your angel and is watching over you always. I do hope you get his headstone too, I think that will be comforting for you. We want to get Cinder one eventually, she has an illuminated cross right now which I like to look out at night and see it glowing. Our babies are not so far away from our hearts. I hope you have a wonderful week and know you're always in my thoughts.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Dear Bobbie, You wrote the last best chapters in Trevor's life story, you feel like you couldn't completely take away the suffering in his soul, but you rewrote the great ending for him - this is a magical gift, his soul is woven with yours now, please know this in the deep stillness of your heart and please let it bring you some comfort, sending you hugs Leejaye

Hi, Bobbie, just stopping by to see how you're doing, and can only add my affirmation to Leejaye's beautiful response. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bobbie, and look foward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well, it's another night......sleeping with Trevor's picture, blanket and baggie of hair. Somehow that's just not right. And sleep dosn't come until I have cried for myself and Trevor. I read about people who have passed this "stage" of grief and I wonder how they do it. My heart hurts, my hands ache to touch him, my eyes fill with tears hoping to see him, I feel empty inside most of the time. And I cry. And I cry. And I cry.

My counselor said, today, that there had to have been something incredibly different (special) about Trevor for his loss to be affecting me so deeply, when I have never felt this way about any of my other animal or human family. We are going to talk some more.

Trevor was love. Pure, unadulterated love. I have written 8 Rules of Life that Trevor lived every day and have them posted throughout the house so that I will remember to do them myself. Then, perhaps, in some small way, I can be as good as Trevor was. I can write about his mannerisms, his routines, his snoring, his biting and anything else you would like to hear about him. But the best word I can think of to describe my Trevor is LOVE.

And I only hope to God that I loved him enough. I don't think I did as much as I could have for him, but I do know that I LOVED him so, so much.

My sweet, sweet little white buffalo boy, I love you with everything I have. I miss you the same. I hope you and "the boys" are having a great time together, especially sharing the "mom" stories.

Good night, my love. Sleep well........................
Mommy

Dearest Bobbie,

I am so sorry for the pain your experiencing. I know exactly what you're talking about and wish I could say something to help begin healing your broken heart. I (and Trevor) know how deeply you loved him and how difficult it is to adjust to his absence. This world can be such a challenging place to be and nothing is more difficult than learning to live without a soul who was truly a huge piece of our hearts. Our lives become so entwined that we literally have to re-learn how to go about our daily tasks when a big focus of our routine is ripped away. It's like having to learn how to create a new life without that wonderful soul walking the path with us. And it seems impossible sometimes. I know it's hard to believe now but I promise that the huge, gapping hole that's with you 24 hours a day right now will slowly begin to close. It takes a great deal of time, and I can't say that the pain of loss is ever truly gone, but I promise that the despair and agony you're feeling now will slowly abate. You will always love and miss Trevor. Nothing will change that. However, you will eventually reach a point where the crippling pain will not be with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Today is Peggy's 6 month anniversary and although I still cry for her, it is (thankfully) not the same intense, gut-wrenching, paralyzing pain and despair I had in the first few months after she passed. I still feel like a huge piece of my heart was ripped out but most of the time, the tears are not in the forefront and I can function. While the tears still come to often (mostly at night), I have found that time does help us to move past the worst of the pain. I know this is not really a comfort but all I can really promise you is that over time, your soul will find a way to cope and continue on it's journey. I truly hope that you'll be able to find comfort in knowing how wonderful you made Trevor's last days on this earth. He was loved, pampered and catered to more than most people get and what a blessing he had in you! Obviously God knew how special he was and made sure to place him with the perfect match for his needs. As much as Trevor gave to you, you returned 10 fold. Based on what I know of his past, it was probably the first time the little guy was ever truly loved and treated with the value he deserved. I am sure he's out of pain and popping over to visit you on a regular basis. He made it plain that you were the love of his life and his passing to another consciousness isn't going to change that fact.

Bobbie, you are a loving, compassionate and giving person (you know what I think of you!) and nobody could ever say you didn't do everything humanly possible to make Trevor's world a better place. There may have been a few times when other committments got in the way of what you would like to have done with Trevor but that's part of life. You are being much too hard on yourself. Please do me a favor and look at this from the outside. If your story of life with Trevor were my story and I was telling you I didn't do enough (because I'm human and not perfect 100% of the time), would you agree with me or would you tell me I was being much too harsh in judging myself? I know the answer so here's my favor, please be as great a friend to yourself as you are to others. Frankly, if I were critically ill, you are the person I would most want to tend to and comfort me. When you put your focus on someone, you leave no room for them to doubt how special you believe them to be. I know Trevor was well aware of that. He saw you very clearly for who you are and that's why he was so in love wit you.

Please remember that even when my life is out of control and I can't make time for this board or e-mails, you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you a big cyber-hug!

Love,

Peggy

Dear, dear Peggy,

Can it possibly be 6 months for you? I am so sorry that you have to live through ths day, although I also hope the happy and good memeories will crowd out anything else.

You are an amazing woman. You know exactly what my thoughts are and what to say to me about them in such a way that is so comforting.

HOPEFULLY, Trevor's headstone will come in today. Can you believe it's been 5 weeks to get it in place? Now watch, something will be misspelled and we'll wait another 5 weeks. Want to hear the funny part? The cemetery guy was so apologetic that he offered me a discount on our NEXT headstone!!!! We don't even have another dog yet! Oh well, he means well.

Have a peaceful and blessed day, my friend. And please give my love to your mom!

Bobbie

Dear Bobbie...I just want you to know I am still thinking and praying for you. I wish I could take some of your pain away. Don't ever ever think you didn't do enough for your sweet Trevor. I've never seen anyone as devoted as you were for so long to a sick little dog. That is pure deep love.

Bobbie, I hope you can feel better and find peace soon, but until then, cry all you want and sleep with whatever you want of Trevors........God Bless you my friend.

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey

Dear LoveMyMickey and all you L-S friends,

I want to first apologize, especially to the newest members of this life saving forum and site, for not adding replies to your poignant messages and cries for help on this most difficult and awful journey we are each taking - some more than once or twice. My heart goes out to each of you and my thoughts are right there for you. For the many friends who encourage me day by day, I want to thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart.

But something is going on and I'm not sure that it is. All I can concentrate on is Trevor. The only strength I have is for visiting Trevor at the cemetery and thinking about him while I'm either at home doing chores or out shopping, etc. Oh, I can be pleasant and carry on some "normal" conversation to a few people, but when I am by myself I can only think of my little rescue boy. Tomorrow will be yet another week that he has been physically gone and, guess what, I'm not feeling much better. I feel mostly like I did on the day Trevor died and was buried in a beautiful ceremony: tired, sad, empty, lonely, drained, exhausted, lonely, lonely and then lonely.
Oh, I do work around the house, strenuous work right now as we are packing up my sister-in-law's apartment because she moved to New York State to live with her daughter and we're left with most of the packing, etc. She lives an hour north of us. I'm also getting ready for a huge annual community yard sale and trying to put my house back together since it's been completely recarpeted. But every thought travels right to Trevor and how I miss him with me in the house. We were always together and now all I have are pictures. Not the same.

I'm sorry if this sounds like I am whining and feeling very sorry for myself. I guess in a way I am because I have suffered a terrible loss.

Trevor's headstone was finally placed today and it looks beautiful. I will try, with anyone's help that can help me, to post those pictures and some more of Mr. T, when I can find them.

THANK YOU ALL for your understanding and your daily love and support.

Blessings...........................
Trevor's mom (Bobbie)

Oh Bobbie

You are absolutely NOT selfish. Something IS going on - you're in post-traumatic stress (beats PTLD but not by much). Soldiers report just what you're talking about - that the "film" runs over and over and over and over .... it never seems to let up. Please do not feel bad or worried that you don't feel a bit better after a month. Neither did I. As a matter of fact I don't feel all that much better yet. Like you, I "carry on." Go to work, write training materials, create slide shows, break up fights between executives .... but then i stop by my desk and remember Gretta ... and cry.

To make this worse for you, your loving arms are still empty (not funny, Mr Weather-Maker - sending the all-time worst hurricane to exactly the area where Mr Dreamer is waiting to come home to Bobby). I only had Gretta for a short time but now I, like you, know how empty a house is without another living being in it. No one to hug. No one to talk to (except yourself - which get pretty boring fast). The feeling of "empy arms" - so much love to give and nowhere to give it ... I'd never experienced that before and it's uniquely hurtful. Of course, you know all this.

Trever the White Buffalo HAS changed you in some way. No one, including you, knows just how and why, but your special grief shows that you have been transformed in some way. Maybe it's the power of unconditional love. Maybe it's the gratitude and love that shines out of a precious being in pain trying to let you know that he loves you and that your love, though it can't take away the physical pain, is soothing his heart and bathing it in warm, soft love. That look MUST be transforming.

Bobbie, please don't feel guilty about not responding to new - or old - people here on Lightning Strike. You still need OUR help and love and support. When you heart is exhausted, just sit back and let the love of your LS friends enclose you. That's why this site is here and that's why we're here. Your story of Trevor has touched and helped many hearts all over the world. What a powerful little dog he is (IS!). HIs spirit lives and is saving the world, one loving heart at a time. Yes, something IS going on. And despite the huge heartbreak, you are one lucky woman to have been found and loved and transformed by Trevor - the bravest (and most powerful) little dog who ever lived - "a fella you CAN trust."

Gretta's mom and your sis

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Thank you Gretta's Mom, for those beautiful, comforting and sustaining thoughts about Trevor and me. I just don't understand why this particular grief journey should be so different than the others. But it is......in a huge way.

I know that I say it over and over, ad nauseum, I LOVE YOU TREVOR! I MISS YOU TREVOR! But I find that I must say those things to him. Maybe if I stop saying them, his memories will fade. I certainly do't want that to ever happen. Maybe I am stuck in my grief and need to move on.

But, I don't want to move on. I don't want the memories to fade. I don't want to stop talking to him throughout the day. I don't want to stop visiting him every day and cleaning off his "guard" companion dogs. Perhaps that's the problem: I don't want to. Perhaps I should try to want something. And I already know what that is: time with a healthy Trevor.


I miss you, my dear sweet little one. I love you more each day. I really look forward to when we can be together again in that Perfect World. Until then, I must stay on earth and make sure you are never forgotten.

I love you, Trevor....................................................

Dear Bobbie,

I completely understand what you’re feeling. Just a few short weeks ago you suffered a tremendous loss and it’s going to take a lot of time for your heart to begin healing. You had a very special connection with Trevor and that’s not something you’re going to be able to adjust to in such a short period of time. A few weeks is less time than a ’snap of the fingers’ in the grand scheme of things. When I lost my Peggy, I was in absolute agony for more than 2 months. It was all I could do to continue meeting my professional and personal responsibilities - and I blew off many of my personal committments. I often broke into tears, even when focusing on not crying (and I’m not a crier, by nature). Even when it ’subsided’, that just meant the pain wasn’t the primary focus of my world for every minute of every day. It was always in the background but I would be able to focus enough to accomplish my tasks. And when I say ’it was in the background’, I mean it was BARELY behind what I was trying to focus on. Kind of like having a really bad case of the flu but you have to work anyway. You’re very aware that you’re sick and are desperately trying to ignore the symptoms your body is manifesting and focusing on accomplishing what needs to be done, but you have to keep consciously pushing aside the fact that you’re sick and just want to fall unconscious in bed. Kind of like that. I had to work hard to keep my focus where it was supposed to be and tell myself that I could collapse later on, when I had completed my tasks.

Like the rest of us, you are absolutely allowed to experience your pain without having to apologize to any of us. Please don’t feel bad about responding to anyone (especially not me!). I promise you, there is no painful emotion you can feel that I won’t completely understand and empathize with. Accepting and learning to live with the loss of a loved one is such a brutal process. Nobody can tell you what an acceptable amount of time is to make the adjustment. Personally, when I think of Peggy I feel bereft, and we‘re 6 months down the road from her passing. That’s the only single word I can think of that begins to capture the hole in my heart, the deep loneliness I feel without her here and the soul wrenching longing to see and hold her again. I’m beginning to understand that I will probably never feel any differently about her being gone. Like me with Peggy, your relationship with Trevor transcended ’normal’ relationships. You connected on a level you can’t begin to verbalize. Most people will not understand unless they were fortunate enough to experience that type of relationship themselves. Thankfully, most of us on this site know exactly what you’re talking about, which is why we all sought each other out.

I don’t know if it will help you but for me, writing (very, very bad!) poetry helped me work through some of the pain. I hadn’t written for years, prior to Peggy passing. However, within hours of her passing, felt compelled to start writing. I don’t mean for you to spend hours trying to write something significant. I mean just sit down, think of Trevor and let it come out however it wants. The times I’m overwhelmed with Peggy’s absence, I now recognize that I need to let it out by writing. It really isn’t any effort (granted, if you’re read any of the poems I’ve posted on this site, that shows!) but I immediately recognized that it captured what I needed to express - which is why I don’t really edit and try to make it better. Once it’s out, I feel like I’ve released some of the pain, kind of like a a pressure cooker. The pain comes back but writing releases some of the excessive emotion that’s pushing me over the top. I would like to suggest you try that. I know you have writing talent and do well expressing yourself that way so maybe it’s worth a shot? The one downside, if you truly capture the emotions in your writing, it will make you cry when you read it months from now. However, it’s still a good release so I hope you give it a shot.

I am so happy that Dreamer is heading your way! I’m sorry you won’t have him this weekend but he’ll get there when he’s meant to be there. And you have 1 more week to prepare. His presence will help in some ways and at times, will drive home that he’s not Trevor (assumption on my part since I went through that with Brandy and she‘s Peggy‘s polar opposite, but it has all worked out well!). BUT, in the long run, having a dog to bond with, pat and share with is better than being alone. Also, filling his needs will help build in some of the missing routine you’re dealing with. Trevor required a great deal of attention so on top of dealing with his loss, you’re also dealing with having lost your focus in life. Your evenings are your own now and I’m sure they feel so empty without him there. While there are always a million tasks we could be doing, it’s not the same as the loving tasks we so willingly did while they were here. It’s a tough adjustment and drives home their absence.

I think I’ve babbled long enough so please just know that I am so sorry you’re going through this painful time. You and Trevor are in my thoughts and prayers and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Dreamer arrives in the next week or so.

Big hug to you, ((((Bobbie)))))

Peggy

"But, I don't want to move on. I don't want the memories to fade. I don't want to stop talking to him throughout the day. I don't want to stop visiting him every day and cleaning off his "guard" companion dogs. Perhaps that's the problem: I don't want to. Perhaps I should try to want something. And I already know what that is: time with a healthy Trevor."

Dear Bobbie, just being able to find some words to share with you as I have been keeping up with how you're doing. There is no reason on the face of this earth why you should stop talking to your beloved Trevor, stop visiting his resting place, stop remembering his earthly journey with you, and especially the love bond you eternally share. There is no "moving on" or "moving beyond" our beloved companions, Bobbie. Anyone who says that to you is totally elusive to the deepest and truest nature of the most unselfish LOVE we can know and be blessed with - - the eternal love bond we share with our precious companions. So, DON'T "move on" without Trevor - - because this is IMPOSSIBLE. Trevor is FOREVER a part of you, and I assure you, my friend, the memories you have of your beloved Trevor will NEVER fade. How could they - - for your beloved Trevor is sharing these very same memories with you!!!

You are a very, very special person for taking care of Trevor during the most difficult time in his life - - the twilight time of his earthly journey. YOU, dear Bobbie, did everything in your power to give him a loving, comfortable journey. Please know that your beloved Trevor is no longer bound by the physical effects of a declining physical body. He is now enjoying a youthful, energetic, healthy life form, and I promise you that your heart's desire will be fulfilled when it is your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy: " time with a healthy Trevor." Yes, I know - - the hard part is the waiting - - and enduring through this horrible grief journey.

But for now, Bobbie, it is your gift to continue your earthly jouney in a way that will honor the love you and your beloved Trevor share. And yes, I do mean "GIFT". Perhaps there is some way you can think of honoring your beloved Trevor by making a donation in his name - - to his neurologist, his local veterinary practitioner, etc. And how about writing that book? What a loving tribute that would be to him!!! And it would keep his memory alive as well. Something to think about, perhaps. Perhaps something that might bring a new focus and purpose to your earthly journey.

"I feel mostly like I did on the day Trevor died and was buried in a beautiful ceremony: tired, sad, empty, lonely, drained, exhausted, lonely, lonely and then lonely. I'm sorry if this sounds like I am whining and feeling very sorry for myself."

Bobbie, a HUGE part of what you are going through is total emotional and physical exhaustion. What you are experiencing is normal caregiver collapse, and it just takes time to endure through it. IN NO WAY ARE YOU WHINING OR FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Please know you are not alone in your grief adjustment journey, my friend. There are times when I read through your posts and I remember what I went through 26 years ago with the automobile collision which claimed the physical life of my mom, and what I still struggle with every day as a "survivor". Believe me, my friend, you are NOT alone in what you are going through.

I am so very glad that Trevor's marker has finally arrived and that you are very pleased with how it looks. This is a HUGE relief to you. I am looking forward to seeing picture(s) once you are up to the task of posting them.

Bobbie, I hope and pray that today will be a peaceful one for you, and that the storm's effects from Irene will spare damage to your beloved Trevor's resting place. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and always look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well, here it is...the end of a month, almost another week since Trevor's been gone. And I still cry. I still miss him with every fiber of my being. My heart is still shredded and my soul crushed - an empty cavern. A picture of Trevor is my main picture on my computer and I could look into his soulful eyes for hours. When I do, I send him messages of love and thanks and I just admire how he lived and how he loved.
No one, it seems, can fathom how a dog with very little functioning grey matter, constant feelings of bugs creeping all over his neck and back pain so bad because the fluid was destroying his spine and spinal column, could love another s much, and do the little things he did. And we concentrated on those little things as huge victories of the day. Finding all his Cheerios was cause for giving him some more! Licking the marrow from mommy's fingers was like a kid licking his first popscicle. It was all those tiny things that made Trevor the larger-than-life hero he truly was.
How do I explain to people just how wonderful and awesome Trevor was as my buddy and my baby? My feelings run deeper than anything I can compare them to. They are me, right now. Totally me.
I go out to the Humane Society Cemetery every day to visit Trevor and his brothers. I have a special bench, I think I mentioned, that makes each visit such a pleasure and happy occasion. Since Hurricane Irene, I'm trying to help the Cemetery manager (he's only like 27) pick up branches, sticks, bunches of leaves and stack them in piles, I'm putting larger rocks on the markers that are coming loose and should soon start raking between the rows. This cemetery is huge and I'm barely making a dent, but I'm doing Trevor's section so that it will be naturally beautiful. It helps.

And then, we're getting a new rescue C spaniel on Saturday. He's 3 years old and black and white. My mind says that I am excited, but my heart just isn't there yet. Not even close. I'm still with my Trevor. Is that normal? Perhaps when I meet Dreamer, my heart will change without letting go of Trevor.

I LOVE YOU, TREVOR!!!! I MISS YOU, HONEY!!!!!!! I'LL NEVER, EVER FORGET YOU TREVOR, FOREVER!!!!!
XOXOXOXO Mommy XOXOXOXO

Dear Bobbie, I know that you can't touch him or stare into his eyes anymore, but Trevor is still with you, he's in your heart and your soul, the very fibre of you is woven with his forever - I have been picturing him back in his puppy body, before people showed him the cruelty of humans, gambolling and leaping with Jeanne's Gretta, both of them looking down on their mums, loving you as intensely as they did when they were down here with you...sorry if that sounds silly, it's just a picture I had...you don't ever need to let Trevor go, and you don't have to stop loving him to love Dreamer (and I think Trevor had a paw in there too, bringing him to you), I think it was Kayla's Mom who said to me that the human heart is elastic, give yourself time and be gentle with yourself, sending you huge hugs Leejaye

Tonight is a very sad and lonely night. Maybe I'm just selfish, but does anyone still think of Trevor?

If it has to be, it can be just Trevor and me. We'll help each other, some how, just like we did when he was alive. He always came to his mommy when he needed or wanted anything or when he'd have an accident he'd check to see how mom would react. I never reacted negatively - he couldn't help it. He was sick and he was dying. Give him all the breaks and then some.

The tears fall and they don't help at all. i don't want Trevor feeling badly because I am still so sad and not recovering. But I miss him beyond words, beyond feelings, beyond grief, into agony. Why Trevor? What did he ever do to deserve the hand he was dealt? And I can't do anything for him any more and that makes the hurt even worse.

Some days are OK, but most others are like this and they hurt so badly. I've never felt this awful for this long before. What do I do? My heart is crying, my soul is crying, my whole being is crying...........sobbing beyond belief. Oh my God, how I miss youTrevor. How I miss you.

But I want you to feel well and good, my love. I want you to be happy, peaceful and your true self. Mommy will be with you again. That I promise to you.

XOXO

HI Bobbie

It's not just you - it's the three musketeers who remeber and miss miss miss Trevor. I felt pretty bad when I got Rufus - like I didn't really love him, like I could never love him the way I loved Gretta (and that's probably right) and I still hurt and cry for Gretta - for her healthier days, when she could run without pain and didn't leak in the house through no faul of her own. Of course, trevor was a thousand times sicker than Gretta and gives our hearts a thousand times more reason to ask "Why a dog as through-and-through wonderful as Trevor had to go through what he did. In my heart of hearts I think it was PEOPLE'S faults - those who didn't take the time and money to find out what his real problems were when they were small enough to treat, those who were cruel to him, those who left him out wandering the streets. Everything comes back ... whoever did these awful things have some payback coming and we can be sure that God will judge fairly.

Also, you must be giving yourself some pretty meaningful adrenaline "shots" getting ready to take a new "boy" into your heart and home. Is it fair? Will it work out? Will hubby love him? Will I love him? Will he love us? Having Rufus has really taught me that one's love for ttwo dogs is NEVER the same. When I was in Balto and was sad thinking he'd be better off at his foster mom's, Moonbeam and Tom's Dad asked my some hard questions - and they came out in Rufus's favor. It's still not the fill-the-heart rush of love liek it is with gretta, but I DO love him and I'm NEVER giving him up.

Trevor is bouncing around up there, sending some last-minute instructions to Dreamer - and some wondeful stories of how blessed it is to be a LaSov dog.

No, Bobbie, I'l never forget Mr Trevor Forever, a fella you CAN trust.

Trevor - love alert! Send down a ray of two NOW - mommie needs you!

Back on the floor today,

Gretta's mom

Hi, Bobbie, stopping by to say "hello" and get caught up with how you're doing. Bobbie, please do not expect extraordinary expectations of yourself. Grieving is a process - - you cannot expect yourself to feel anything than what you are - - totally expended both emotionally and physically. It takes time to "re-group" - - and to be able to once again feel "alive" - - instead of feeling like an unwilling participant. Your beloved Trevor, and each of us, understand this, Bobbie.

It is so wonderful that you are helping the caretakers of the cemetery with the clean up process from Irene. Your Trevor and all of your boys are very proud of you. This is not a only a comfort to you, but you are offering others comfort with their beloved companions' resting places as well. This is a kindness that will not go unnoticed.

So, Dreamer will be joining your household this weekend. There is no doubt in my mind that he will be loved and taken care of - - for who HE is. Your beloved Trevor, and all of your boys, are forever in your heart and your memories. Each one has his own special place in your heart, and Dreamer will be no exception. With any relationship that has meaning to us it takes time for the bonding process to take place - - because the bonding process is a LIFETIME process - - it is a living process one day at a time, one experience at a time. As much as I love my Oslo, he and I did not have the same relationship that my Samson and I shared during Samson's earthly journey with me. Our earthly journeys were shared at diffierent times in my life, and theirs, -- two different personalities each one precious in their own special way. Does this mean I love Oslo less? Absolutely NOT - - it just means that I love both of them deeply and truly - - but differently. You will love Dreamer, too, Bobbie - - no doubt about it - - and this is what your beloved Trevor wants, too.

I know you must be in preparation for Dreamer's homecoming on Saturday. If your husband is concerned about the new carpeting, your beloved Trevor has provided you experience in how to provide Dreamer the assistance he needs while limiting the effects on the new carpet. I know that you will do everything in your power to give Dreamer a happy and loving home where he will feel accepted and wanted. And I will look forward to knowing how you and Dreamer are doing.

Bobbie, I hope today is being kind to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and am here for you, with you, and beside you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon Beam,

Thank you, again, for sending me such comforting and sustaining words, thoughts and ideas. You seem to know EXACTLY what I am thinking/feeling and needing all the time. I'm so sorry that part of it has to have been your own awful experiences. But I am most grateful that you are willing to continue to support such a needy person as myself.

I'm sure that most of my intense feelings right now are because Dreamer will be here in less than 48 hours and I have no idea, just where all my thoughts of Trevor are going to fit in. I know each dog is completely different, with their own personality, humor, quirks, needs and love, as were my Crocker and Cirney and Kelly and Jasper and Rudy and Trevor. That covers a span of almost 30 years and some of those memories are so very comforting now. Like Birney eating part of our wedding cake off the table and my mother teling me just to get a sharp knife and cut a smooth edge - no one would know the difference!

I am scared of the unknown right now and seek the "known" past for security and love. Thank you, so much. long with other LS'ers who are willing to write to me all the time, even through their own grief. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

And now it's time to learn from some other L-S ers.

Blessings.......................................
Bobbie

"I am scared of the unknown right now and seek the "known" past for security and love."

Hi, Bobbie, what you express is SO NORMAL. Your life has been turned upside down and twisted in more ways than a pretzel. Rest assured that your beloved Trevor and each of your boys are going to be right beside you, helping you, inspiring you - - both you and Dreamer - - guiding the both of you in your new "love story". It will be a new chapter in both your and Dreamer's life, each page written by two hearts who have known heartbreak - - each page the beginning of finding "new love." And rest assured that your beloved Trevor and Cirney and Crocker and Kelly and Rudy and Jasper are sharing in your and Dreamer's journey - - and they are so very, very, very proud of you - - and blessed to have you as their Forever Mom. When you close your eyes and think of your boys, I hope you will see them gathered together saying, "Way to go, Mom. Hey, guys, look - - Mom is SMILING!! Go Dreamer!!! YES!!!!! Can you hear us, mom? Okay - - altogether - - Go Mom Go. Hurray for Dreamer - - he's our man! Yea, Mom!! Yea, Dreamer!! Dreams may come, and dreams may go, but Dreamer is ours forever!!! YEA!!"

When you're feeling overwhelmed, when you feel in the throes of a panic attack - - know we are here for you, Bobbie. Take time to breathe - - slowly inhale, hold - - then exhale slowly - - and repeat as often as you need to. And please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

MY DEAREST, WONDERFUL TREVOR,

TODAY MARKS 6 WEEKS SINCE WE PARTED EACH OTHER'S PHYSICAL COMPANY AND YOU GOT TO GO TO THAT HEAVENLY PLACE OVER THE RAINBOW BRIDGE.

I MISS YOU MORE THAN EVER AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN THAT. YOU ARE THE BRAVEST LITTLE DOG THAT EVER LIVED, AND DON'T YOU FORGET THAT!

I AM SORRY TO BE THE ONE WHO CHOSE YOUR DATE OF PASSING AND I SO WISH WE COULD HAVE BEEN TOGETHER MUCH LONGER. BUT YOU WERE HURTING SO BADLY AND YOU KNEW THAT ONLY MOMMY COULD STOP THE PAIN (like in the past), SO I DID WHAT YOU REALLY ASKED ME TO DO.

IT HURTS SO MUCH TO BE ABLE TO HUG ONLY YOUR PICTURE AND NOT YOU. BUT IF THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO, I WILL UNTIL WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN - THIS TIME FOREVER.

I LOVE YOU, MR. T, YOU ARE THE BEST!

XOXOMommyXOXO

Hi, Bobbie, just stopping by to say hello and to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Today is a BIG DAY for you, Trevor, and all your boys. A new fur son is coming into your heart and home - - Dreamer - - and he has quite a welcoming committee - - for he surrounded by your beloved Trevor's and his brother's sweet Living Spirits who will guide him - - and you - - in this new "union."

I hope today will be kind to you, Bobbie. I know it will take both you and Dreamer to get settled into a new routine, and I am looking forward to knowing how things are going for the both of you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam