On the 17Th of May, 2011, I brought my cat Petunia in to have her teeth cleaned, at the vets.
She ended up having two teeth pulled and was placed on Amoxi Drops and Metacam for pain.
I was not given any written directions from my veterinarian about the metacam.
However it did come with a client information sheet that I neglected to look at because I believed it to just be directions on how much medicine to give her, which I'd already been told. Besides I trusted my vet and didn't think any medications could be harmful to Petunia unless I purposely overdosed her.
The Metacam box only said to give so much for pain. It never said when to stop. I thought I was supposed to give my cat Petunia the Metacam for as long as it said to give the Amoxi Drops which said, till gone.
Saturday the 4Th of June, I called the vets to let them know Petunia wasn't eating much and was very sluggish. They told me "well she is middle aged".
I was told to take her off the medication and bring her in Monday if she wasn't better.
I wanted so badly to believe she was just suffering symptoms of the metacam, it can make animals tired and not eat.
I didn't tell the vets she had been off her medication for a few days believing she would be fine till Monday.
After rushing her to the vets Monday, they drew her blood and said she had renal failure. I was told I was only supposed to have kept Petunia on the Metacam for 5 days.
The vets admitted it was their error for not writing that down on the medication, but I have a horrible feeling that they
told me verbally and I just completely forgot. The vet said that he would put her on an IV drip to flush her kidneys, and place her on antibiotics.
He also said that he had done this with one of his own cats, and he had survived, and not to worry that he could "bring her out of it".
On Tuesday the 7Th, my mother called the vets first thing in the morning to see how Petunia was doing, and to see if it was okay to go and visit her.
She was placed on hold, only to have a technician come online to say "sorry, but your cat didn't survive the night, and that they were very sorry, but if it was any consolation they had kittens to adopt. They also sent me a generic sympathy card.
They said they had had a cat on metacam for 14 years without any problems before they heard it could make cats sick, and that this had never happened to them before. I wish they had stressed to me that this could potentially kill my cat.
I have unbelievable guilt that I'm not sure I can get over. Originally I was going to chose a pill medication but switched it to liquid to hopefully make it easier for Petunia to swallow. If I had stuck with the pill she would be fine, and would have gotten something else besides metacam.
I was also giving it to her in her mouth and letting her eat instead of mixing it with food. I didn't want my other cats to eat her medication.
Later I heard that putting metacam into the mouth of a small dog could cause renal failure.
Looking back she had symptoms of being sick that I didn't recognize for what they were. She was acting tired, but I thought she was just resting as my cats like to sleep a lot. I saw her urinate and it struck me that it might be more than the normal amount for her, but again I wasn't sure.
I didn't always see her use the litter box and I have another cat that urinates heavily at times and he is fine. I thought the symptoms of kidney problems were that cats couldn't go, but that's not true as I found out later. She also felt lighter but she was 13 pounds and I had been told that she should loose weight so I believed that it wasn't that bad. She was eating a little and drinking, but it turns out she was badly dehydrated from her kidney problem.
I believed she'd survive this because she was playing and even eating a little bit. I'd also had a cat previously that lived for quite a while with kidney problems. He was near 20 when he had to be put to sleep, Petunia was only 8.
I feel like it's my fault she died even though people are telling me it isn't, and that if I had gotten her to the vets earlier she would have made it.
I feel guilty that she died all alone in the vets office at night when she was terrified to even go to the vets.
She only trusted me, and would hide under her cat bed when ever anyone else came over. I was supposed to protect her and I let her down badly.
I really miss her and love her and feel like the worst person ever for causing her pain. I just wish I could see her again one last time to tell her that I'm sorry.

Dear Cat's Mom, I'm so sorry for the loss of Petunia - I really think the vet should have written it down clearly for you, and the casual way they told you she had passed away is not compassionate or understanding at all, you trust your vet to recommend the best for the patient, it's their job to know...please please don't feel guilty, you were doing absolutely the right thing looking after her and getting her teeth cleaned, this is not where it was supposed to end up, Petunia knows that, she knows you loved her, and if she has any regrets it is for your sadness and you thinking that you failed her...my Mischief cat was diagnosed with cancer about a year before we lost her, the medication for the cancer messed up her kidneys and I lost her to renal failure in a week, I have since read that some of the symptoms I saw were earlier indicators of renal failure but I thought it was to do with her cancer or age (she was 17) at the time, it's not something you automatically look for - especially if you don't even really know what you are seeing... please be kind to yourself, Leejaye

Dear Cat'smom,

Please let me offer by sincerest sympathy in the loss of your darling Petunia. Each loss is incredibly awful and, unfotunately comes with all of the heartaches you are describing. My little Trevor died just one week ago and my life will never, ever be the same. Butt we're here, now, to concentrate on you and your wonder cat, Petunia. Her name alone, speaks volumes of who and what she was. When you are ready we (your new and forever L-S friends) would love to hear about her and your's life together. Until then, and even after that, every single person on this site is heree for YOU - to listen, to cry, to laugh, to ponder, to ask questions, to hold you up, to be with you whenever and for however long you need/want us.

Petunia's sudden and unexpected passing is such a shock to your system, that I can understand all the questions you are asking, the confusion that surrounds your thoughts and is so responsible for your feeling guilty about everything. May I offer a few, ver inadequate words of comfort, being a recent bereaft myself?

First, and foremost, you are not responsible for Petunia's death! You never were and you never will be! Period. You are the human caregiver/parent/best friend of every one of your companion animals. You gave to Petunia every single thing that the vets or professionals coldn't. And you gave it 24/7, which not one other person was willing or able to do. As far as I know, you did not go to or graduate from medical, veterinary or pharmacy school. You didn't need to because what you gave Petunia, day and night, was far more important. You gave her unconditional love. You are not responsible for Petunia's death - you are responsible for her incredibly wonderful LIFE!

Now, please try to remember this: Hindsight is 20/20. and what you are feeling is very normal. Guilt is so common with every single person who has lost a loved one: be it their first or their 100th time. "should have", "would have", "could have", "why didn't I?", "why did I?", etc. are some of the words that (can) bring us down and make the agony you are feeling, even worse. Guilt is an emotion, a very strong emotion, that you are feeling and that may even be guiding your other feelings and actions. Guilt is NOT a fact. Guilt preys on every one of the thoughts, questions, hopes and dreams that you have now. And it is so very powerful. Next to the sorrow you have, guilt can consume your entire being. Except for one thing:

The love you have for Petunia far surpasses any guilt, second guessing, whatever you want to call it. I see in your posting that Petunia was your love. She was a good, kind and loving cat that delighted, not only you, but all those who knew here. And you delighted her as well! You are suffering so much because you loved so much! I don't know why, but that's the way it is for us: the deeper the love for our animal companions, the deeper the pain of their physical demise. Please let me reassure you, that your treasured Petunia has left her precious body behind on this earth, for us to do with what makes us feel best. But her SPIRIT, her LOVE, her REAL PRESENCE is still very much with you. They always will be and they count the most. For whatever reason, everything physical dies. But for whatever sweet reason, everything in a spirit(ual) form lives forever! Petunia time to change from your physical cat to your soul-cat came and she successfully made that transition as every one of our companions have. You may not feel it now. You may not even believe it yet. I know, I still miss my physical Trevor down to my core. But Petunia is right beside you every second of every day, watching and caring for you in ways we will not know until it is our time to transition to the spirit world that we know very little, if anything, about.

I've gotten quite "wordy" this early in your grief and apologize for that. I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering from your darling's passing. I want to reassure you that I am here for you, as is everyone on this L-S site, any time, any day, in any way that I can comfort, support, reassure or even just "be" with you. We are just on the beginning of this confusing and, often, awful journey, but we are no alone at all. We will take each step in the direction that will lead us to our Petunia or Trevor and we will be so much the better for it.

May peace and love follow you this night and during your days. Please let me (us) how how you are doing and, when you are ready, tell me all about Miss Petunia!

Blessings...............
Bobbie

Hey cats mom Im sorry for the loss of Petunia. I wish I was better with words like many others on here. I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you and petunia. She knows you were there in your heart the whole time.

Hello Petunia's mom

I am SO sad about the passing of Ms Petunia. It's awful enough without having to have all that guilt load you're carrying. As bobbie so eloquently said, you gave her LIFE and LOVE and CARE and FUN and JOY and SAFETY and... and ... and.... That's what counts. Who else but you was her one and only mom on the earth. Nobody but you, nobody but you.

A word about your vet: THEY are responsible for informing you about EXACTLY how, when, how much, how long, ... and all the other details about a medicine they prescribe. Not only that, they are responsible for MAKING SURE YOU UNDERSTAND IT AND CAN RECITE IT - ALL OF IT - BACK TO THEM - before they let you go home. They are the professionals, they're the ones who went to vet or vet tech school. It would be like someone telling me (a chem major) to go build a bridge - just put a bunch of concrete in a pile and you'll be OK. NOT!!

One other thing - maybe it's just peculiar to me but I have stopped going on the internet with medical and vet concerns. I was spooked for the whole time (3.5 year) my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) was with me by an emergency vet I had to take her to after she ate a pound of grapes the first weekend I had her. He said she looked like a "cushnoid" - a what! A dog with Cushing's disease. And for the whole rest of her life, she was having hormone ratio blood tests which were always either questionable or negative. My vet - THE best - would say "This dog is NOT screaming Cushing's at me whether the tests are inconclusive or not." And he was right. But boy did I scare myself for years trying to "research" the condition. Ask a good vet, in person, whether the method of administration (by mouth) really has any effect on side effects.

The most important reality is that Petunia has left this earth - and this hurts like h*&)(&)()(*. A wonderful old Black preacher once told us that faith was a choice, that you CHOSE to believe in something. SO this is what I have chosen to believe about animals. Animals and people are made out of the same "stuff" (in fact lots of Eastern religions say they can interchange lives with us). They and we have infinite lives - we've always been and we always will be. Both of our homes is in the Perfect World - where in the words of my dear vet, they are "in a safe place now." I believe that one (or sometimes more) animals has a "you-shaped" puzzle piece missing in his or her spirit and that you have a "Petunia" or "gretta" or "Trevor"- sahped puzzle piece missing in our spirits. Our animals search the universe over, then put themselves in our paths so that we will stumble across them - and WHOA - our spirits recognize each other and that's that huge surge of instant love we feel when we meet. We have the honor and privilege to live with them for a period of time. (For some reason, whoever created the universe decided to give animals a shorter life span than people.) They guide us, teach us, play with us, watch out for us ... and most importantly ... love us. And we love them. With a love that can ONLY be shared by spirit-mates. It's overwhelming and life changing. Very few people have this experience - even fewer of them know that - and I think most of them are here on LS!

Then they're time on earth comes to a close. We're devastated because we can't experience then with, as MoonBeam puts it, with our senses. We can't see them, hear them, pet them, sleep near their warmth, smell them ..... it seems like one big empty nothing. Even though it hurts and doesn't fix the "OMG, I just want them back for ONE minute", I do believe that the sensory connections are the ONLY thing that changes. They're still right here with us. Some people get signals, some don't (I don't). But, as one anonymous author has put it, "His head is in your hand, just as it always was." And I believe this - fervently. They continue to guide us, watch us, send us good things (sometimes a new brother or sister, sometimes something else, but they DO), keep our feet from straying into harm. Ad again, most importantly, the continue to love us and be loved by us EXACTLY as before.

Petunia's mom, I know that none of this comforts you in the least in this, the deepest part of your loss. Right now your heart must feel like it's been shot by a high-powered rifle and is bleeding to death. I though that feeling would NEVER end. And then one day, after several weeks, a realized that I had had a couple of moments with a little less pain. One the road to equanimity - NOT QUITE. It's a roller coaster for a long time after that. (I'm still on the little coaster of horrors after almost 4 months.) And I have NO in-my-heart belief that the tears will ever go away. But .... that just means that I need to be more attentive to the ways Gretta is still with me. When my feet are about to go astray and I suddenly reconsider ... that's Gretta. When I (with the biggest, smartest mouth in the western hemisphere) somehow decided to let a power struggle go ... that's Gretta. When I realize that people called her "kind" not because of what she did but because of what she radiated .... that's Gretta.

Petunia is in that safe place. And ... even while they're on earth, our soul-mate animals are FAR wiser than we are. They KNOW we love them. They KNOW our hearts are right. And that renders impossible any of the doubts we people have about "did I do enough" or sorrow about "I didn't love them enough." Gretta knows - her mom was FAR from perfect (REAL FAR). Petunia knows. She's right there, loving you and taking care of you exactly as before.

Petunia's mom, I hope your pain eases just a little. You don't deserve to have all this suffering of guilt. Petunia loves you and I love you.

Rest well,

Gretta's mom

Dear Cat'sMom,

There was enough of a history of kidney damage in cats from this drug that the vet should have informed you of that risk and the alternatives. That is their responsibility, they are the ones with the training.

I can relate to the sense of guilt that you are experiencing, because, like Bobbie said, hindsight is 20/20. We humans have this great ability to suddenly gain nearly expert knowledge on a situation, once that knowledge is no longer of any use. When my Dzambala died, I kept second guessing, thinking I should have taken him in sooner, thinking that I should have started syringe feeding him earlier, or any number of other things I didn't think of until it was too late. In my case, I don't think anyone, either myself or the vet, did less that what they were able to do.

Not knowing exactly what happened to him the last couple days that led to his condition reaching its end-stage rather than turning around as I had hoped drove me nuts for a while. I finally had to tell myself "no" every time I got the urge to search more information on renal failure and the medications he was on, to let go of the futile wish that somehow I could know with certainty. Even that knowledge wouldn't have brought him back - I guess I was looking for empirical proof that what happened was out of my control, to exonerate myself of that horrible guilt. The only way out was simply to let go of that grasping at straws and instead let myself feel, focus on the love that was, and to finally forgive myself for not being Almighty God.

I know it's easier said than done, but know that in your own time you will heal from this horrible guilt as you draw that unbreakable love between you and Petunia closer to your heart.

Peace,
Chris L

Dear Petunia's wonderful Mom,

I hope you felt a few minutes (and hopefully more) of quiet and stllness, remembering the happy or silly or loving antics of your precious Petunia. Take it from a veteran at losing pets, try seeking just a few (at first) moments that are just for you and Petunia. Feel the love that is still there and tell yourself (even though you might not believe it) that this is the love that will never fade - it will be with you both forever.
I really think that's all you HAVE to do today. The rest of the day's activities are just "stuff" to get through the day. If you can spend more time "with" Petunia, that is even better. Please greet her from an old lady who likes cats, but loves dogs.

Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. And remember that there are many, many, many of us L-S people that are here for you, all the time, thinking of you, praying for you and Petunia, ready to help in any way we can. We have all walked in your shoes.

Blessings................
Bobbie

Hi, Cat's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Petunia. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Coping with the insensitivity of the veterinary physician with whom you entrusted your beloved Petunia's care just adds to the grief burden.

As our cherished Forum friends have already offered comforting words of encouragement, so I wish to affirm them to you. Our beloved companions know we are "mere mortals" when we embrace them into our hearts and lives. All they ask is that they be loved and taken care of to the very best of our ability - - physically, emotionally, financially, and medically. Unfortunately we are not omnipotent, - - we are not blessed with the privilege of foreknowledge - - and this is brought home to us very painfully when our beloved companions precede us to the angels. And it is the "hindsight" that is the source of our "why didn't I" "I should have" " I shouldn't have" "why did I" - - and on and on and on. The "hindsight" can literally make us feel like we're losing our minds as we are entrenched in deep grief.

Cat's Mom, your precious Petunia knows that you love her, and you provided her the very best of care you knew how during her earthly journey with you. The only person(s) responsible for what happened with your beloved Petunia is the veterinary physician and staff. So, please do NOT blame yourself.

I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain that is in your heart. This grief adjustmet journey is the worst experience you will know on this side of eternity. It is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Petunia. There is no way you can "get over" or "move on" - - there is no "closure" to "accepting" the physical loss of a loved one - - be they our beloved companion, or human family or friend. Our beloved companions give to us their undivided attention and unconditional love, and we turn surrender ourselves to them - - the part that only belongs to them - - without reservation. The love bond we share with our beloved companions is eternal - - it is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. And this is one of the many reasons why it is so very painful for us to adjust our lives to their physical absence when they precede us to the angels. The good news is that we are forever blessed with their sweet Living Spirits as they continue to share our earthly journey just as they always have and always will. You, as your beloved Petunia's earthly guardian and caregiver, are forever blessed with cherishing your treasured memories of your earthly journey together. Your beloved Petunia is forever with you in your heart and your memories, Cat's Mom - - your beloved Petunia is always a heartbeat close to you.

One of the many important things for you to remember during your grief journey is that you are not alone - - ever. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Cat's Mom, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Petunia with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to posting picture(s) of your precious girl to share with us - - if / when you would want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cat's Mom, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Cat's Mom

Just wondering how you are doing - I'm concerned about you and the heartbreak you're going through. Your LS friends are always here and, even better, we always care.

Have as peaceful a night as you can.

Gretta's mom

Dear Cat's mom (Petunia)

My step daughter lost her dog the same way. The vet was treating pain with the same kind of med but the dog died. He also apologized and wrote off the vet bills but she and the family still lost their dog.


You are not alone in this medication error. You did not cause her death. The medication did. My puppy also just had teeth pulled and I was lucky the vet gave him a different kind of pain med and he only needed 2 doses. This probably does not help you. I just want you to know that I, along with the others here, feel your pain and loss. No matter what we day, Petunia, will not be back. The pain right now is horrible, I am sure but it will get better with time. She knows that you were only trying to help her.

Please keep coming back to this site because it really does help.