cowboy
Jul 26 2011, 07:56 PM
It has been 37 hours and 12 minutes since my dog cowboy passed. Its was so sudden and scary I cant even come to terms with the thoughts of it yet. I dont know what killed him and its not that important to me to know. The fact he is gone is all that matters. We had just gone out for morning bathroom time and come in to eat. He ate his breakfast and his treat then jumped up on the couch to give me kisses. I feel blessed that i told him how much he meant to me just before he died. We were laying down to take a nap before i went to work, him on his end of the couch on his couch bed and me with my foot rubbing his back when he suddenly started yelling in a way ive never heard. i jumped up and went to him asking him what was wrong and when he got silent he let out his last breath. it took nearly five minutes for me to realise he had passed. Sorry if my grahamer isnt correct i can barely see the screen. I think im jumping between the guilt and anger phase right now because i keep thinking there must have been a sign i missed. I keep wondering if maybe he wasnt dead when i wrapped him up and took him to the hospital to be creamated. Angry with myself for not being sure whether to get an urn or not, i decided not. I have pictures and some of the most wonderful memories. We had just gone to the vet on saturday and they didnt find anything wrong with him other than his heart murmur which was found 2 years ago but they never seemed concerned about it and just told me the signs to watch for. I just cant think of any moment that one of them appeared. Im hoping writing on here will help. I still havent been able to eat, but i do have a lapband that makes it difficult in the first place this is just making it harder.It just feels like I have a big weight sitting on my chest. I keep remembering all the good times and then the horror of him dying like that. I am usually one of those macho guys that doesnt cry and i havent been able to control it. Ive done ok during the day its just at night it gets to be overwhelming. i cant even turn on the tv. i was ok my first day back at work until my boss came and told me that we were done and there was no need to stay at work. It just hit me that i have to go home for the first of many times to my apartment without him. everyone keeps telling me they understand and that they are here if I need them but none of them ever took the time to get to know cowboy so i dont feel like they are the right ones to talk to about it. And then I get angry because I dont want understanding or to talk I just want cowboy back. Well I guess ive ranted enough for now. I hope it makes somekind of sense. Ill try to post again after ive gotten to a better place where i can understand myself. Thank you for reading this it really does mean alot to know others can feel the same way I do.
Kristina
Jul 26 2011, 08:38 PM
Cowboy
I will do my best to offer you some words of encouragement, however I am still new with the grief of my own, but all of us here need a sounding board sometimes. There are other members, moonbeam in particular, who are much better with words than I am, however I couldn't read your post and not respond.
All of us are here for one reason. We are each missing something very very important in our lives, our beloved pets. Every single person here has asked "what if" countless times. Although each of our pets passed in a different manner, the point is that we no longer have them with us, and it hurts like hell.
I will tell you that it does get better, day by day, although right now I know it doesn't feel that way. You will have setbacks along the way that will cripple you, but you will keep on going because that is what your beloved Cowboy would have wanted. Our babies don't want us to be sad over their passing, they want us to remember all the wonderful times we shared together.
I am a bit farther in my grief journey than you, having lost my beloved Dixie almost one month ago. I have good days and bad days, as will you. We are here for you 110%. If you need to let off steam, if you need to cry, even if what you are typing doesn't seem to make any sense to you, we get it my friend. We support each other, we give advice, we just listen, because each of us is hurting.
Our animals have such a huge impact on our lives. If you need to cry, do it. I will tell you that in the 8 years I have been with my husband I have seen him cry twice. Once being when we lost our Dixie. It is something that cannot be held in. Let it out.
Keep coming here. Tell us all about your Cowboy. Tell us about your day. Tell us anything. We will be here. Sending much love to you.
nurse2b013
Jul 26 2011, 08:39 PM
I am so, so sorry about your precious dog Cowboy passing away. I lost my cat one week ago...
Grief is multi-faceted. It is possible to feel many emotions at once...guilt, sadness, anger, etc. Cowboy knew how much you loved him. You gave him a wonderful life and were a wonder parent to him. Animals can feel and sense our love, even when they are no longer physically with us. Cowboy will always be with you in spirit, and in your heart. If it makes you feel better, talk to him. (I still talk to my Chessa all the time) I truly believe they can still "hear" us. Cry, let it all out. The grief and pain you are feeling is real, and justified.
Everyone here has had that special connection with an animal, so we totally understand what you are going through. Sadly, we have all (or are still walking) that road...please feel free to let out all your feelings and emotions here. It truly helps, honestly...
You and Cowboy will be in my thoughts...
cowboy
Jul 26 2011, 09:22 PM
Thanks yall. I keep reading other posts on here and it sounds like everyones going through or has gone through what im experiencing. I wish i was better at expressing myself but im very introverted. Kristina your Dixie looks just like cowboy. he was a black lab mix. Think 40 pound black lab. Thanks nurse i do talk to him in my head. i keep telling him i love him and hes a good boy. I even imagine him telling me he wants me to be happy. Its just hard wanting to get to the good times but having to go through the bad. I even feel guilty because my grandothers passing a few years ago while hard didnt even compare to how bad i feel now. well im going to see if i can get some sleep again thank you so much for the support. I hope we all have good days tomorrow.
LoveMyMickey
Jul 27 2011, 11:37 AM
Dear Cowboy....There isn't much I can add to what these dear ladies have already said. But I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Cowboy. Because of the heart murmur, he could have had a sudden heart attack or stroke. The heart just isn't beating right with the murmur.....Please don't feel guilty because if the Vet didn't see any other signs, then there was no way you could since it happened so sudden.
My Mickey had a heart murmur for several years and passed away 5 months ago. He gradually got worse and he was pretty weak about 2 weeks before he passed even though he was on medication. I am still heartbroken and get tears every day, but I can look at his pictures and smile at the fun times we had.
Cowboy it will take time to feel better. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Come back when you feel like it and let us know how you are.
God Bless...
LoveMyMickey
moon_beam
Jul 27 2011, 04:06 PM
Hi, Cowboy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Cowboy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing their physical company so unexpectedly is particularly traumatic.
Cowboy, I'm not a vet or a vet tech, but from what you described it sounds like he may have experienced a blood clot. Since he had just had a check up which indicated he was in good health, I'm sure the vet looked him over first to confirm his physical death before arranging cremation. Even if your beloved Cowboy had thrown a blood clot right in the presence of the vet, there would have been little hope of him surviving. Blood clots are very spontaneous and truly cannot be diagnosed ahead of time. I'm not sure any of this makes sense to you, or matters. But perhaps it will help to set your mind at ease about your concern: "I keep wondering if maybe he wasnt dead when i wrapped him up and took him to the hospital to be creamated."
As Jodi and LoveMyMickey have already compassionately shared with you, so I wish to add my affirmation to their words of comfort: You are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. This is one place where you will never need to put on a "public face" to disguise how you're feeling or what is in your heart. The nights are particularly hard because it is the time of day that is truly devoted to our beloved companions. The days are filled with busyness and distractions and decisions that have to be made. The evenings are when the seering pain of the "new reality" encompasses us - - and we find our hearts shredding anew with the deep ache and void of our beloved companions' sweet physical presence with us.
This grief jouney is one of "adjustment", Cowboy, - - adjustment without the privilege of our beloved companions' sweet physical presence. But the love bond we share with them during their earthly journey is eternal, Cowboy. It continues on because love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will feel your beloved Cowboy's sweet Living Spirit continuing to share your earthly just as he always has and always will.
Cowboy, thank you so much for sharing your beloved companion with us. Perhaps sometime you would like to post a picture(s) of him - - when / if you are ready. My beloved Oslo is a handsome Black Lab who is among the beloved companions in heaven's perfect garden with Dixie and Cinder, and many other precious companions (see Oslo if you'd like). And he now has a new friend with Cowboy. Rest assured that your beloved Cowboy is in the next to best company he could have - - for you are and always will be his TRUE HEART'S FIRST PREFERENCE.
Cowboy, I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that take away the piercing pain that is consuming your heart and life. I can only hope that in time you will find comfort, encouragement, and hope in all of the words that come to you from genuine friends here on this forum who truly do know what you are going through. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cowboy, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
merlin96
Jul 27 2011, 04:36 PM
Dear Cowboy,
I just wanted to add my condolences to those that have already been expressed. I know first hand unfortunately just how difficult it is to lose a precious animal friend and I have such a hard time replying to these posts because I become a sobbing, babbling idiot just thinking about it (and my most recent loss was over two years ago, if that tells you anything about how one moves on but they stay in your heart forever). I do find it difficult to articulate my feelings on this topic but just wanted to say you are not alone and there are literally countless numbers of us out there who understand the devastating heartache of having to come home to an empty home after a loss, often sudden and unexpected. So many questions face you that you wouldn't even have foreseen - do you pick up the water dishes, what to do with Cowboy's bed, can you bear to pick up his toys...and on and on. It's not like your dog carried on a verbal conversation with you but yet how can a house sound so echoingly quiet! Believe me, I understand and so do so many of the other people on here who have lost the loves of their lives. There is no secret to getting through this but just take one minute after the next after the next. They are the most precious creatures, totally innocent and full of love and for that reason I believe it is a loss liike no other. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your precious baby. I will keep you both in my prayers.
cowboy
Jul 27 2011, 06:11 PM
Hi everyone. Well I made it through today a little better. I even laughed a little bit at work. I just keep thinking about how he could never let anybody walk by without saying hi to them. Whether we were outside or inside. He didnt have anybody he didnt like. even other dogs that had tried to bite him he still wanted to go say hi the next time he saw them. Thank you moonbeam for pointing out the blood clot and that the vet would check before creamation. i kept looking online to make sure i had read the signs right. I was just so scared he was conscious in some way. I would have taken him in without wrapping him up if I had thought of that before i took him to the hospital. but i think its the whole denial or guilt thing. Im so sorry for everyone elses loss too. Im not very good at giving comforting words im usually a great listener but I hope in time we can all take some comfort in knowing they are in a better place. Thanks again.
Oh and im going to try to post his pic. I only have one online, i have never been a big picture taker and now wish i was. ive got a big picture of him right over my tv that i can look up and see him anytime i want. and one on my door so i can see him before i leave in the morning.
Click to view attachment
cowboy
Jul 27 2011, 06:31 PM
kristina i was just reading your post and something grettas mom said reminded me about the songs i would sing to cowboy. I think his favorite was the old bon jovi song that i changed the lyrics on
cause im cowboy, in a steel truck i ride and im wanted always alive
well i walk those streets, a loaded tail on my back
i play for keeps, cause i might not make it back
ive been everywhere still im standing tall, ive seen a million faces and ive licked them all
or the one i made up
cowboys the silliest dog the silliest dog i know
he never bites and hes always great and he licks all over your toes
cowboys the silliest dog the silliest dog i know
he never bites and hes always great and the children all love his nose.
that ones sung to the casper tune i think. well it just reminded me of the songs. i sang him that one after he passed.
Alfiebaby
Jul 27 2011, 06:47 PM
Hi there, I'm so sorry for your loss. My boy died very quickly like Cowboy a couple of weeks ago and as Moonbeam previously said, we think it was probably due to a clot on the brain. I know there was nothing I could have done, but it doesn't help very much at the moment. I hope you find peace soon. Thinking of you at this sad time.
moon_beam
Jul 27 2011, 06:59 PM
Hi, Cowboy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing - - and the WONDERFUL picture of your beloved Cowboy. Looks to me like he might have had some Border Collie lineage. My first canine companion, my Samson, was a mixed Lab / Border Collie. He, too, had the white tummy.
And thank you for sharing with us the songs you would sing to your furchild. Please know that the sound of your voice is still as sweet to him now as it always has been - - only now it is drifting upward to him in heaven's perfect garden. I still sing to my beloved companions who are there - - and still talk to them. I assure you that your beloved Cowboy is lisening intently to every word you say just as he always has and always will.
Thank you again so much for sharing your precious Cowboy with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cowboy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Gretta's Mom
Jul 27 2011, 07:53 PM
Dear Cowboy
I am SO very sad about the sudden passing of your boy, Cowboy. The first thing that came to mind when I read your description of the incident was, like the others have said, a stroke - a blood clot to the brain. They kill instantly - animals or people. You did everything for Mr Cowboy - I can tell from your writing. I, too, am here because the love of my life, Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) passed in my arms on April 10 of this year. For the first week r so, all it was like was shock. Like your heart had just been shot out with a high-powered rifle and you were bleeding all over everything - dying inside - and the rest of the world was going about their ordinary business (which you didn't really see because of the trauma). Then came the robot-walk - doing everything you have to or want to do just like a mechanical man. Then the concrete block appears - the one that weighs you down so that you feel you are, in the words of an old blues song, "almost level with the ground."
So you're a songster, too! Songs are wonderful. There are songs for absolutely every occasion in life and sometimes you only have to change the words a little bit to make them be about Cowboy. There are verses to Goebel Williams' "Hobo's Lullaby" that I've had to force myself to sto singing because theywere so sad and guilt-filled. But one foot in front of the other is the best we can do.
This is a family of very special people. We've been located by our one and only spirit mate and lived with them, loved them and (a million times better) been loved by them. I believe that human and animal "stuff" is all the same. And that love is eternal - in both directions. And that what has changed is not that they are no longer here or even very close by, but that we can no longer sense them with our ordinary senses. Can't see them or hear them or smell them or feel them. So we believe they are "gone". But they're not. They're still as close to us as they ever were - still loving us and being loved, still guiding us and protecting us. When you find yourself doing or thinking something just "out of the blue" - that's Cowboy guiding you. I believe my Gretta led me to this stie (which has been a lifesaver). How else would I have found it among all the zillioins of sites in ether-space?
Everybody grieves in his or her own way. Never be embarassed about anythingyou think or do. The first night Gretta was "gone" I took two of her snowsuits (which she hated, but it's cold here in the winter) and velcro-ed them together to make a pillow to sleep on. She was an old (almost 13) dog with arthritic and neuro problems so her bed was one of the best there is. The second night, the velcro pillow didn't seem close enough so I decided (since I'm a solo and can do things like this) to sleep on her dog bed. "No one can tell me I can't!" Some people say their fur babies come to them in dreams or they sense them around. If this happens, it's real. It's only happened to me once and even then she appeared as a golden retriever, not a chocolate lab.
Cowboy's dad - my heart is with you. I'm away from home right now, but when I get back, if you don't mind, I'll e-mail you a memorial I put together for my sister, whose beautiful c-o-c-k-e-r spaniel passed last Friday. It's based on the Hobo's Lullaby. Cowboy's dad, I know Gretta and Cowboy have met and are on their jobs - but now with no pain and no sickness - and all the squirrels they want to chase - who don't even seem to mind.
Keep the faith, and send a hello to Mr Cowboy for Gretta and me.
Gretta's mom
cowboy
Jul 27 2011, 08:14 PM
thanks everyone i dont know if i could cope as well as i am without having people listen and respond that understand as well as everyone here. Yeah id love to see the memorial. I enjoy reading about how special other peoples loved companions are to them. thats one of the reasons i joined this site was seeing all the pictures and reading the stories. Not just because i needed help understanding what was going on with me. ive tried to write on a couple of other posts but i can never think of anything to say. like i said earlier im a great listener but not so good on using words myself. let me know how you would like my email address i dont know if i am supposed to post it on here. again thank you to everyone.
moon_beam
Jul 27 2011, 08:44 PM
"ive tried to write on a couple of other posts but i can never think of anything to say."
Hi, Cowboy. Part of the reason why you are finding it difficult to respond to other topics is because you are in deep grief right now. Please do not feel the need to apologize for not being able to offer comfort and encouragement to others right now. This is YOUR time to RECEIVE from those of us who are able to offer YOU comfort, encouragement, and hope. I, too, am very introverted by nature. I am most comfortable in sharing with others through writing, and as you can tell - - I'm not very good at keeping my posts to "25 words or less." So just take it easy, Cowboy - - you're being here with us is just fine.
As to your e-mail address - - you can either include it in one of your posts - - if you would like it to be made "public" - - or people can e-mail you through what is called "Private Message". This way you will get an e-mail notification from the Lightning Strike Administrator that you have a personal message in your mailbox, and then you can just log onto the Lightning Strike website, and then read and answer your e-mail messages from Lightning Strike members that way. The choice is yours, Cowboy, if you want to openly share your e-mail address.
I hope you will have a very peaceful evening, Cowboy, blessed with your beloved Cowboy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort and cheer you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cowboy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
cowboy
Jul 27 2011, 09:27 PM
thanks moon beam. i think ill go with the private message on here. I know guests are aloud to read the posts and i dont want fishers getting my email address. I hope you have a peaceful night too.
raerae777
Jul 28 2011, 12:41 AM
Hi Cowboy,
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss of your precious Cowboy. He was a handsome man! I love that picture of him, he looks so happy. I know you gave him a wonderful life and he loved you for it. I'm glad you found this forum, it is a wonderful place. I lost my beloved black lab, Cinder, a week ago and I don't know what I would have done without this website. We are all here for you to help you along the way. I love your songs to Cowboy, they are so sweet. I hope you find some peace and comfort today.
Much love.
Cinder's Mama
cowboy
Jul 28 2011, 05:52 PM
Hi everyone. Well I managed to make it through the day without completely losing it till i got home. I Know from reading that what im experiencing is the body protecting itself from shock because ive gone from constantly thinking about him to having to actually think about him. I still dont know if knowing that is helping or not. I cant remember a time ive dreaded a weekend coming but atleast work is a good distraction. I dont have anything going on on the weekends to distract me. They were usually spent at home with cowboy. I quit drinking a couple of years ago and all my friends want to do is go to bars or when they had get togethers at their house they didnt want cowboy there so i got to the point i just wanted to stay home with cowboy. Now i dont know what to do with my free time. I refuse to start drinking again just because hes gone. I dont think hed appreciate it very much. Hey raerae. cinder looks so adorable. im betting cowboy and cinder are having a good time running and playing together with all the other dogs waiting for us. Thanks for the kind words.
cowboy
Jul 28 2011, 06:45 PM
I just opened the blinds for the first time. I was just remembering he would bark his happy head off at anybody walking by outside. I didnt even mind. I would just pause whatever i was watching and ask him who it was. sometimes i would even get on the floor and bark with him. then we would wresstle around and play tug of war with his rope. Then we would play king of the bed. I had a bed in front of the window for him to lay on while he looked out. Ive been told he was the most spoiled dog in the world. I had three beds for him. one in the bedroom, though i always tried to get him to stay in the bed with me, one on the couch and one on the floor in the living room. I called his barking the friendly neighborhood cowboy radio. Hed give me the play by play of what was going on. I loved the times he was just being a dog. I never tried to stop him from doing what came naturally to him. i never even punished him properly for doing number 2 in the bedroom. I tried telling him bad but i couldnt keep it up. I just would close the door before i went to work and he wouldnt go anywhere else. I remember coming home once and i had forgotten to take the bag of trash out in the morning. He must have been in heaven. half a pizza atleast gone not to mention anything else in there. I didnt even get mad. I just laughed and asked if he still wanted supper. Then there was the stuffed animals. he never really played with them. He would just pull them apart and leave the stuffing everyhere. I told a friend it looked like what a horror movie for stuffed animals would look like. i just picked up the mess both times and laughed. He loved his peanut butter treat i gave him on saturdays or i would let him lick the cheese off my plate after i had cheese and crackers. hed always look up and give me the "is there anymore" look. Id ask him if that was good and tell him good boy. I always saw it as me and him against the world. As long as we were together nothing could hurt either of us. I even have a picture in my head of me and him riding along with the wind blowing in our faces his ears and my hair blowing in the wind daring the world to challenge us cause we were unstoppable. and thats how he lived. never worrying what was going to happen just facing everything as it did. i love cowboy probably more than i have anything or anybody else. I just wanted to share some more memories that poped up.
moon_beam
Jul 28 2011, 06:57 PM
Hi, cowboy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing and some of your precious memories of your beloved Cowboy.
This grief journey is one of adjustment - - a "re-defining" of who we are and what we do with ourselves NOW. When our beloved companions come into our lives they become the center of our universe. They are totally dependent upon us for their every need. When they precede us to the angels we are faced with the unbearable "re-defiining" of our every moment. And this is a very difficult adjustment, and continuing to live our lives in a way that will honor the joy and valued lessons our beloved companions shared with us as to what is truly important.
Please know you are not alone in your adjustment journey, cowboy. I hope you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with the presence of your beloved Cowboy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort and cheer you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, cowboy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
leejaye
Jul 28 2011, 07:53 PM
Hi Cowboy, Thanks for sharing some of those lovely memories - it's amazing how our furry souls just gave us that feeling of "rightness", like you said you could face anything with your boy by your side - that's how I felt about my Mischief cat, no matter how much crap there was, there was always her to come home to, I sometimes think I am not even the same person that I was before I lost her, hang on to those beautiful memories, they will make you cry but they will lift you up too. When you are ready if you listen quietly to your heart you will hear and feel your boy still with you, the massive process of adjusting your life around the physical hole your boy has left has started, and it's so so hard, you just want them back with you, to make the world the way it should be again...sending you hugs and support to try to make today and the days after a little easier Leejaye
leejaye
Jul 28 2011, 08:21 PM
I forgot to say what a lovely smiley dog he is, I can see how he would have brought you much happiness - my mum had a little dog who had stomach cancer, we used to "sing" together (I'd howl, he'd howl...) - after his last major surgery mum and I went to visit him in hospital, she was so worried he wouldn't make it, I howled and he gave back the tiniest little howl ever, she knew he'd come home with us then - reminds me of you and Cowboy barking together!! Take care and thanks again for sharing your boy Leejaye
cowboy
Jul 29 2011, 07:10 AM
Thanks leejay. I like the name mischief. It makes me think of him prowling around and getting into everything. I had a dream last night that me and cowboy were together again. At the end he lay down on his bed and passed, peacfully this time, with me petting him and telling him he was a good boy and it was alright to go. I wish so much that he would have gone like that and i could have been more comfort instead of being frantic and trying to figure out what was wrong. I havent decided whether i will get another companion or whether it will be another dog. People are starting to ask me so I have to give them an answer. I just tell them what ive read online about waiting. But If I do this time im going to see about learning more about signs that a dog is having problems and what they mean. Im working very hard not to blame myself and to not think it was something i missed. Moon beam was kind enough to let me know about blod clots so I take some comfort from that. I hope we all have good days today and am thankful for all my friends here.
leejaye
Jul 29 2011, 07:01 PM
Dear Cowboy, That's a great dream you had - i think your boy is telling you he knows how hard you tried and he knows how much you love him, maybe trying to give you something to ease the pain of his passing... that feeling of frantic desperation from our children's end days haunted me too, eventually it will ease too...you will know in yourself when you are ready for a new furry companion, I was lucky enough to have my girl for 17 years and thought I would not be ready for a new friend for at least 6 months, but about a month ago a little boy cat came into my life and steals some more of my heart everyday...please be gentle with yourself, and have the best day possible, Leejaye
cowboy
Jul 29 2011, 07:06 PM
Well had a good day today. I am not crying quite as much but still feel it. Im sorry leejay i called mischief him i realized it later at work. I think im going to go to the vet tomorrow and thank them for the letter they sent it was really nice and let them know i dont blame them for him passing. I dont know if they think that or not but it means alot to me for them to know. I remember this time a neighbors dog was out and about and i couldnt find her to take otto home. he is a cut little pug that breaths extremely loud. So I brought him into my apartment till i could get a hold of her and him and cowboy just ran around having a good ole time. it was like having a sleep over. Course when it came time for bed i had to put cowboy on his couch bed and me on the couch and otto on the floor on a makeshift bed next to me to get them to calm down long enough to get to sleep. but what was so important was he never attacked or shyed away from otto. he was just excited to have a friend over. And ottos mom returned my call at 1 in the morning and came and got him so he was ok and me and cowboy went to bed but him and otto were always so excited to see each other after that night. He was always the type to do his own thing. we would go to the dog park and he would run up to every dog there and they would sniff then he would go off and do his own thing. He never got tired of finding new smells. And then marking them as his own. I wish i was a better writer so i could give a better story of cowboy but ill try to give yall parts as they come to me.
leejaye
Jul 29 2011, 07:16 PM
Hey Cowboy, that's such a cool story, I can just imagine a little pug running round with your boy!! Bet they had a ball! And what dog doesn't like collecting new smells - it always annoys me when I see someone walking their dog and they won't let them stop to sniff properly, I'm sure this is at least 50% of a dog's enjoyment when they are out and about!!I'm glad you had a better day today, please post as many good Cowboy memories as you can when you feel able, slowly but surely they will bring more smiles than tears, take care!! Leejaye
Kristina
Jul 30 2011, 01:28 AM
Cowboy's Dad
I have been reading but not really able to post much, however I wanted to tell you how handsome your Cowboy is! I am still having trouble typing so excuse typos.
I am really enjoying reading stories about Cowboy. Please keep posting more as you see fit. I have been thinking about things Dixie would always do as I have been laid up, and it makes me smile alot. I also sleep with one of her toys, which gives me comfort.
I feel you on the picture thing. I have tons of Dixie, but only a few of the two of us together and I regret that. I already promised myself that when we get our next familymember I will make more of an effort to take more with me in them.
I hope your days and nights continue to get better. Sending all my love to you and Cowboy.
cowboy
Jul 30 2011, 08:38 AM
Hey kristina im glad the surgery went well. i understand having to take it easy and the haze afterwards. Ive had a few surgeries done and while they want me to walk as much as possible the rest of the time im supposed to take it easy. Cowboy didnt understand why he couldnt go for walks with me last year after the lapband surgery. I couldnt have him pulling on the leash. Thats how we walked everywhere we went. he was so excited to go everywhere and couldnt wait to get there. Every day I would tell him patience we will go outside after i get dressed or put on my shoes. I would click my tongue and say "well" and that was a signal to him we were about to go outside and do something. I dont think he ever cared what it was he was just happy to be doing it. Im sitting here wearing a shirt that i just realized was the one that after i would hug him and we would lay down for a nap would be covered in his hair. I always had to use the lint roller on it cause it would be black with his fur. Its a cream colored shirt. well im going to head out and see where the day takes me so i hope everyone has a good day.
cowboy
Jul 30 2011, 08:41 AM
Oh hey alfiebaby i think i missed your post between other peoples. I just wanted to say thank you.
moon_beam
Jul 31 2011, 11:50 AM
Hi, cowboy, just being able to get caught up on how you're doing. Adopting a companion is a very personal decision, and can only be done when - - if - - one is ready. Some people have a really strange idea that when one loses the physical presence of a companion then one should go right out and "replace it." Some people have the same insensitivity toward a woman or couple who are struggling with the grief of the physical loss of a human infant / child. Their response, including some medical personnel, is: "Well, you can have another one." There is only one word I can think of that I can write here that inadequately describes these people: IDIOTS.
So, take your time, cowboy - - you will know when / if you are ready to embrace another companion into your heart and home.
I hope today is being kind to you, cowboy, and thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Cowboy with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
cowboy
Jul 31 2011, 10:04 PM
Hi everyone. Thank you for checking in on me and for the kind words. The weekend went alright. I had some friends that kept me busy for most of it. Still have a hard time sleeping though. I went to the vet and let them know i really appreciated them. I think they were glad for that. I left a bit fast cause i was about to have a break down being in there. I had a moment tonight at my friends they have a field next to their house and i swore i could see cowboy running around in it chasing the bunny rabits that were in it. Ive started eating again but i still have this headache that wont go away. if it continues after wednsday im going to the doc to see about some kind of medicine. I get a massage wed night so im really hoping that helps me to relax and relive some of the tension on my head. There are so many kind and caring people on here and i just want to let everyone know how much i appreciate the support ive gotten since joining. I keep everyone of you in my thoughts along with the departed friends we each have. I hope we all have good days tomorrow and have a peaceful night.
raerae777
Aug 1 2011, 12:07 PM
Hi Cowboy,
I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I love reading all of your stories about Cowboy, they make me smile and laugh. I bet Cowboy was running in that field. He's never far away from you now, but maybe he got distracted for a minute by some bunnies.

I just wanted to check in on you and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Much love.
Cinder's Mama
moon_beam
Aug 1 2011, 03:43 PM
Hi, cowboy, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. Going back to the vet's office can be very difficult. Each time I have returned to the vet after one of my furkids have joined the angels has found me in tears. It's another one of those many "adjustments" in this grief journey.
Grieving does take a toll on our physical bodies, so it is important that you get plenty of rest and continue to try to eat something, even if it's only a cup of broth. It is good that you are planning on seeing your doctor if you continue to have headaches and not able to sleep. The stress from grief can literally change the chemical balance in our brains, which then causes changes in our sleep patterns, can cause headaches, etc.. Your doctor will be able to offer you guidance as to what your options are to help you through these symptoms.
I hope today is being kind to you, cowboy, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
cowboy
Aug 2 2011, 08:36 PM
Hey everyone. Well I made it through the one week mark yesterday. I keep looking at the clock in the morning right at the time he passed. like my body knows exactly what time it is. The shades in my living room keep moving whenever the air is on. Kind of makes me think of when cowboy used to try to sneak over to them when they were closed to look outside. Time seems to be all thats on my mind. Time needed to heal. To come to terms. I keep finding myself with time on my hands and feel I should be doing something. Its always at points where I would normally be rushing home or need to take him out. I keep having to tell myself theres no rush. That I dont have to be anywhere. I keep feeling agitated at the littlest of things. I dont know if Im just going throught the anger part of grief or not. Its not directed at anything in particular i just feel angry. well I hope everyone is doing well and we find happiness in the memories of our furry friends.
moon_beam
Aug 2 2011, 08:49 PM
"I keep feeling agitated at the littlest of things. I dont know if Im just going throught the anger part of grief or not. Its not directed at anything in particular i just feel angry."
Hi, cowboy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Unfortunately what you are feeling is very normal. Anger is one of the many emotions we feel when we are adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions. The good news is that this too shall pass - - in time - - in healing time -- in your own time and in your own way, cowboy. Part of the anger comes from the "new normal" - - of "finding myself with time on my hands and feel I should be doing something. Its always at points where I would normally be rushing home or need to take him out. I keep having to tell myself theres no rush. That I dont have to be anywhere." This is one of the many difficult adjustments, because while our beloved companions are physically with us they are the center of our universe - - they are totally dependent upon us for every single thing in their earthly journey. And when they precede us to the angels, we are faced with re-inventing our lives - - our very selves - - and part of this is finding "new normals" to answer the overwhelming questions: NOW what do I do? NOW who am I?
The good news is that your beloved Cowboy is always with you as you continue in your earthly journey, and we are here for you, cowboy, to offer you both our individual and collective encouragement, comfort, and hope in your journey.
Thank you again, cowboy, for sharing with us how you're doing. I hope you will have a very peaceful evening with your Cowboy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort and cheer you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, cowboy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
raerae777
Aug 2 2011, 11:26 PM
Hi Cowboy,
I hope you are doing well tonight. I know how you feel about being angry. I have felt that emotion lately too. I get angry because I feel like not many people understand what I'm going through or people will say things like "it's just a dog." Those kind of people have not experienced this kind of love and I feel sorry for them. But anyway, I have also just felt angry for no reason. Angry that my precious baby had to leave me. It's all part of this process.
I also can relate to the feeling of "rushing." My dad was in the hospital for appendicitis and my mom and I were both there and I kept feeling like I needed to leave and hurry up and get home. But I had no reason to. It is hard to adjust, but I think in time it will get easier for us.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope tonight is peaceful for you.
Much love.
Cinder's Mama
cowboy
Aug 6 2011, 09:54 PM
Hi everyone. I wanted to let everyone know im doing ok and keeping up with how your doing. I think of yall everyday and love seeing the pictures and stories. I remember how cowboy would get freaked out by thunderstorms, just the loud thunder, and would come sit at my feet the whole time. I never could get his mind off the loud noises no matter what i tried. on the fourth of july I would stay home to keep him company and put his mind at ease. we would lay down on his bed to go to sleep. I remember he would shake with nervousness at times when a particularly close firework would go off and id just tell him it was ok and that he was safe. One of the things i feel guilty about is i was going to get a house for us at the start of next year with a yard he could run and play in. I guess I feel guilty about not being able to do it sooner. I tried to get him to the dog park as much as I could but it would have been nice to let him out everyday to just run around. Course with the heart murmur he would wear out pretty quickly. But we would always come back and he would be so happy that we went out and played. Well Im going to see about some sleep so i hope all is well and have a peaceful weekend.
moon_beam
Aug 7 2011, 08:20 AM
Hi, cowboy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing your wonderful memories of your beloved Cowboy with us. How beautifully tender of you to stay home with your precious boy to comfort him through the July 4 fireworks. They can be very stressful.
Our hopes and dreams to improve the lives of our furkids don't always work out as we'd like them to - - as your hope to have a home with a yard for your precious Cowboy to safely play in. Things that WE think are important are - - in reality - - simply "bonuses" in the minds of our beloved companions. The very most important thing you could give to your precious Cowboy you did so willingly and totally - - you gave him your heart. Everything else you were able to do for him during his earthly journey is an extension of your ETERNAL LOVE for him. Having a house with a yard would have seemed like a "palace" to him, and he would have genuinely appreciated it. BUT - - the only true palace he wants to live in is your heart - - where he will always be a part of you - - always be a heartbeat close to you.
Thank you so much for honoring us with sharing your beloved Cowboy with us. I hope today is being kind to you, cowboy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
cowboy
Aug 7 2011, 03:08 PM
Hi everyone. Well I went and spent some time at an adoption event and met this awesome little guy named chico. He has this underbite that makes him look like he is smiling all the time. He was the one that when I first walked over to just look at the dogs he jumped up and came over and wanted me to pet him. He was so adorable. now for the waiting. I almost broke down into tears while i was there. not sure why. I wasnt feeling guilty but maybe it was because cowboy was there with me helping me look. i dont know but i am going to wait two weeks and if he is still available im going to bring him home and see how we do together. I want to wait to make sure im not just trying to put a new dog in cowboys place. I want chico to be chico to me. Im crying agian. I havent done that all week. anyways i hope everyones having a good day.
raerae777
Aug 7 2011, 03:53 PM
Hi Cowboy,
I'm glad you were able to go look at some dogs. Chico sounds like a cutie. It's good that you are waiting if that's what you feel you should do. You know in your heart, and so does Cowboy, that he will never be REPLACED, and that your new companion will have his/her own personality and his/her own bond with you. I have been struggling with those feelings for a few days, I just don't want to think of replacing Cinder. There will never be another girl like her and that's hard for me to swallow.
I'm sure going to see the dogs was emotional for you. I get emotional when looking online for dogs and seeing friends' dogs in person. It's just part of the healing process I guess.
Well I hope everything works out with Chico. You and Cowboy are in my thoughts and prayers.
Much Love.
Cinder's Mama
moon_beam
Aug 7 2011, 05:04 PM
Hi, cowboy, thank you so much for sharing with us your time at the adoption event. Sounds like Chico especially tugged at your heart - - and I definitely agree that your beloved Cowboy is right beside you saying, "it's okay, dad. Whenever you're ready go for it. I'm always with you."
Please let us know what happens with Chico. If for some reason he finds a new home, then please take heart in knowing that your beloved Cowboy has a very special "someone" in mind for you, and when the timing is "right" you will know it.
I hope you have a very peaceful evening, cowboy, blessed with your Cowboy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort and cheer you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Paece and blessings,
moon_beam
leejaye
Aug 7 2011, 09:07 PM
Dear Cowboy, The adoption event sounds great - I can't come up with any better words than Moon_Beam has already shared with you, all i can say is no new fur child is a replacement, but you sound like you already know this too! I love my new little Purszival cat but I still get the "tears from nowhere" about Mischief, I'll be cruising along fine and then bang! there it is again, half the time I don't even know why...please let us know how you go with Chico, I really hope today is easier for you, Leejaye
cowboy
Aug 7 2011, 09:50 PM
Thanks yall. Im feeling a bit more confident than I have the last two weeks and I think it is coming from the hope of having a new friend. Yeah leejaye i was going to write on your other post about how cute purzi is. Thanks moonbeam and raerae. Yeah Rae I didnt get emotional until I was actually there and chico just jumped up in his cage as soon as I walked over and he looked at me with his eyes like he was saying "hey are you my new friend." That was the point i started losing it. Ive decided I want him to come home with me but I havent decided whether its fair to him yet or not. And thats more important to me than my being happy. I was just thinking of a book ive listened to on audio several times called starship troopers. Yeah its what the movie was based on but its a completely different story. I was remembering a part where the main character was talking to a psychologist about where they were going to place him in the military and one of his choices was with the dogs brigade. i cant remember the exact words used so this isnt a direct quote from the book. But the psychologist starts explaining about what the dogs actually were, they were a bit more intelligent than a normal breed, and was asking him about his experience with his dog. well the part i was really remembering was the doctor explained that the bond between the man and dog was so that when the man died the dog was put down immediately because he would go insane and when the dog died that it would be better to put the man down. they instead would put him into psychiatric help until he had recovered. The doctor then explained he new first hand because thats what he originally did in the military. I was just thinking about how we all have similar bonds to our furry friends. How it feels like i had lost my mind the whole first week cowboy was gone. well i just wanted to share that thought. I hope it made sense like i said im not much of a writer. But I was already a big fan of the book I think it just got a little better after thinking of that. well I need to try to get some sleep so i hope everyone has a peaceful night and we all have a good week.
Kristina
Aug 7 2011, 11:47 PM
Oh Cowboy
I was so pleased to come in here and see that you are thinking about adopting a new fur kid. I have two applications out for two different girls for our family, so I know how you are feeling. At first I felt I was being disloyal to Dixie, but when I really thought about it, I knew she would be pleased that mom was saving another life, that another sweet girl would live a fantastic life with me as her mom, just as Dixie did.
And typing that made me cry.
However, we are not being disloyal, nor are we replacing our babies. You and I and everyone here knows that they would want us to be happy. That we have so much love to give, it is only natural to bring a new family member home. As moonbeam says, our dogs are guiding us to our new furkid. We will know when we have found the right one, because of them.
Have you been in contact with the rescue about a trial period? I know many rescues that do it, to make sure it is right for everyone. I hope things work out the way you want them to. I have been thinking about you a lot.
Sending all my love to you my friend, I hope your week is a good one. Know your sweet Cowboy is watching you all the time.
raerae777
Aug 12 2011, 12:46 AM
Hi Cowboy,
Just checking up on you and seeing how things are going. Any news on Chico? I hope you are having a peaceful week.
Much love.
Cinder's Mama
cowboy
Aug 12 2011, 06:55 AM
Hey all thanks for checking in rae. I havent talked to chicos mom since sunday. My parents are coming to visit this weekend so i wont be able to have him come and visit but i plan on setting up something next weekend. I hope hes still available and i havent heard anything from his mom so im hopeful. next weekend will be almost 4 weeks. I still havent gotten to the point where i feel i can focus. I still have some emotional yo yo'ing that i cant get under control. I still get angry over small things that shouldnt matter. I hope by next weekend to have a better grip on it. I go to chicos page on petfinder everyday to look at the pic. If you want to check it out go to petfinder and put in dog, male, and small in the left search bar boxes and hes on the third page. theres another chico so hes actually the second entry. Again thanks everyone.
moon_beam
Aug 12 2011, 01:28 PM
"I still havent gotten to the point where i feel i can focus. I still have some emotional yo yo'ing that i cant get under control. I still get angry over small things that shouldnt matter. I hope by next weekend to have a better grip on it."
Hi, cowboy, just getting caught up with how you're doing. What you are experiencing with the "emotional yo yo" is very normal in this early stage of deep grief. This grief roller coaster ride really puts our emotions into high gear as well as making them very unpredictable. It takes awhile before we really begin to feel that we have a "grip" on things again. So, please don't pressure yourself into thinking that it's been four weeks, six weeks, 2 months - - etc., -- and thus and so "should be" like this or "should not be" like this. This grief journey is not a straight line by any strethch of the imagination - - it is more like The Beatles' "Long and Winding Road" and sometimes feeling like we're getting absolutely NOWHERE in the process. But I assure you, cowboy, that one day - - when it may be truly unexpected - - you will notice that you're feeling more like "you" again - - when the mind seems clearer and the "buttons" are not quite so quick to put you into "overload". Just take this journey one day at a time.
I hope your visit with your parents goes well, and that things work out with little Chico. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, cowboy, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
cowboy
Aug 14 2011, 11:48 AM
Well the weekend wasnt too bad with my parents but i did notice i kept snapping at them. I apologized too them for it but it just shows how much further I have to go. Ive decided that until I can go a day or so without getting angry about everything I do not need to get a new companion that might upset me without meaning to. Luckily im not violent but it wouldnt be fair if he pees on something because he doesnt know better and i get angry with him instead of using it as a teaching moment. Im going to look into sponsoring chico though. He still does touch my heart. I think I need to find my identity again. I still feel like its me and cowboy. I still find myself planning things around getting home as quickly as possible because I feel like this is where I want to be. It could just be that this is where I feel the closest to cowboy. Anyways Im so happy to hear about everyones adoptions and they are some great looking new friends. I still want to adopt Im just not ready right now. Thank you so much for the understanding and support.
LoveMyMickey
Aug 14 2011, 12:18 PM
Hi Cowboy....I understand completely what you mean about not being ready. If you still feel that's it's still you and Cowboy, then that is okay. That is a good idea, if possible, to sponsor Chico or any other you choose. That is what we are going to do.
Adopting right now would be a hardship on us, because we have other things to get caught up on. But I'm not sure we really want to. We still feel so connected to Mickey even though it has been almost 6 months.
So Cowboy, just enjoy your memories of your precious Cowboy and when the time is right, you will know....God Bless...
LoveMyMickey
moon_beam
Aug 14 2011, 12:25 PM
"I think I need to find my identity again. I still feel like its me and cowboy. I still want to adopt Im just not ready right now"
Hi, cowboy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. A major part of our grief journey is re-defining who we are NOW, and where do we go from here. I am so glad you are going to try to sponsor Chico - - this is a wonderful way to honor your beloved Cowboy. You could even make the donations in his loving honor. Only you will know when it is the "right time" to try to embrace another companion into your heart and home, cowboy - - and that is the way it should be for you.
I hope today is being kind to you, cowboy, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. I will look forward to knowing how things go for you about sponsoring Chico, and any other little waif who touches your heart who is waiting for a loving home. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, cowboy, and look forward ot knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
raerae777
Aug 22 2011, 12:02 AM
Hi Cowboy,
Just checking in on you to see how things are going. I hope you've had a good weekend and will have a good week. Thinking of you.
Much love.
Cinder's Mama