Click to view attachmentHello my name is samantha.Two days ago I had a horriable thing happen.Let me start from the beginning.I own two pitbulls Dozer and Muppie.They are like my kids.Well my landlord lost the house i was living in so i had to move.I moved in with my mother in law and i didnt have room for both of my dogs so Dozer went to stay with a friend of mine.I went to visit him evey week he was very happy and got along with the other dog great.Him and the other dog became very close.He really adapted to his new temp home.
Last week my friend called me she was concerned because dozer had a couple of seizures.I called and made an appt for the vet.The day of the appt the vet had canceled due to an emergency surgery.I didnt reschedule my friend said Dozer seemed ok and hadnt had any more seizures.
Well two days ago i got a message on my voice mail saying Dozer was in bad shape.So I rushed over there and found my dog in a coma like state convulsing covered in vomit.It was the most horriable thing i have ever in this life had to see.It was beyond horriable.I cant tell you the terror I felt.I picked my dog up and put him in the car he was still seizuring non stop.I drove him to the emergency vet and the vet told me that there was a 20% chance that my baby would survive.I just collasped.This couldnt be happening.This was my worse nightmare come true.The vet said they could put him on i.v pump him full of anti seizure med and see if he ever comes to.They wanted $3000.I did not have that kind of money.I didnt even have $100.So the vet advised me to put him asleep.I didnt want him to suffer any longer than he already had.So i went in the room where he was ,still seizuring and I laid my face against his while the vet gave him the shot.I told him I loved him and that mommy was so sorry,i told him he was a good boy and again how sorry i was and he took a deep breath and then he was gone.I wanted to die from the pain i felt inside.I was so sorry that I didnt take him to the vet the week before.The guilt overwelmed me.If I wouldnt have left him with someone else this never would of happened.I was sick inside.I couldnt stop crying.I went home and cried and cried.I later found out that at my friends house Dozer laid on the floor that day for 24 hours before i came and took him to the vet.The thought of him laying there suffering is more than i can stand.I cant get the picture of him laying on the floor that day seizuring covered in vomit out of my head.when i close my eyes that is all i see.I didnt know that anything that disturbing could happen to a dog.I feel so regretful that i didnt get to him sooner.I am so angry that no one took him to the vet or tried to get him any help.The guilt and sadness over this is killing me.

Samantha I am so so sorry you and Dozer had to go through this terrible parting, please don't be harder on yourself than you need to be, your heart is already breaking - it doesn't sound like you had any choice about having someone look after him and when you found out what state he was in you did all that you possibly could, and most importantly for your Dozer you were there with him loving him with all your heart and soul at the end, he knows this and he wouldn't blame you for anything.

Thank you for your kind words.I feel so alone.I cannot talk to anyone because they look at me like"its just a dog"and it makes me feel stupid like i overacting or something.I wish I could get the horriable picture of when i found him on the floor out of my head.I am scared to close my eyes.I just am so sorry I cant stand it.

Oh Dozer's mom

Your suffering is the worst there is on this earth. Even though it won't comfort you know, please know that you did everything, EVERYTHING in your earthly and heavenly power for your Dozer. (And I hope you scratch this "friend" off your list!). Along with all those oh-so-helpful people who come with this "It's only a dog." No, it's NOT. You are one of the rare and lucky ones who has been found by your special spirit animal - one who carries and part of your soul and a part of whose soul you carry - and have since the beginning of time and will until the end of time. Thes soul mate animals have done the most amazing things: they have searched for us over the entire universe, found us out of the billions of people on earth, put themselves in our paths so we'd find them. When we do, we instantly recognize each other and there is that instant rush of overwhelming love. Then the greates love affair of all time starts - we love them with everything we have and they love us thousands of times more. They're here on a mission - not only to love us but to guide us, teach us life lessons, protect us from harm, hurt and danger - and most of all to fill our hearts with their love - and show us that love is just being, not doing. Doing is an extra.

Whoever made the universe decided to make their life spans shorter than ours. That means one of the things they have to teach us is how much strength we have (and, boy, do they overestimate us!!). Each of us is asked to show that our love for them is greater than our love for ourselves - we have to, eyes open, knowing the agony to follow, make the decision out of love for them to release them from their suffering and open the door for them to go on before us into the Perfect World. My vet said about my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived), "She's in a safe place now." (This from the ultimate man of science!). I know it's true ... they are well, happy, and still on the job - watching over us, guiding us, loving us ... same as ever. Someone here on LS said "They're only a breath away." That's your Dozer.

One wonderful things about these special spirit animals (and, really, all animals) is that they see and feel to the heart of things. There was never a moment when you Dozer didn't know to the deepest limit of his heart, that you loved him and the you were doing the VERY VERY best you could for him. Even though I say my Gretta crashed in one day, she really didn't. I know now that she was failing and probably in pain for a long time and just didn't "say" anything. The image of your Dozer in that horrible condition will stay with you for a long time. My image likee that is asking to see Gretta's face just one more time after she was gone. It's got to be thousands of times harder know that your "friend" let that go on for so long. But even then, Dozer knew, he KNEW you loved his - how? Because you two are carrying parts of each other's souls!

I'm farther along this lonesome road and - like others have said - it does get a little easier with time. And, like you (probably), I didn't believe a word of that for a long time. Please know that you did nothing - and I mean NOTHING - wrong. Dozer knows that. He's loving you, following you, guiding you, ... and pain free and happy. Love is forever. You two WILL be together again - how could you not be? Both of your souls would be incomplete if not. Meanwhile, as Moonbeam here on this site has said, your heart will always have a Dozer-shaped "puzzle piece" missing. This means that you will always remember, miss and love him. And know that, when from the depths of our hearts we ccry out to them for forgiveness for what we think we did, didn't di, should have done ,etc, etc, they know that there is nothing to forgive because (thank goodness) they know the essence of things - which is we did and do WAY more than we possibly could/can just because we love them.

Because I'm further along the road and have a little bit of strength to spare, please let me take on some of your burden today, Dozer's mom. And here's a special set of head pats for Dozer and Muppie.

Between tears, see if there is just one tiny ray of sun today, my friend.

Gretta's mom

Dear DozersMom,

My heart is breaking for you right now. I wish there was something that I could do to take away your pain. I want to tell you over and over that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. It really isn't. The circumstances were beyond your control. You loved your baby with all your heart and did the best you possibly could for him under the circumstances. I hope that, in time, you're able to let go of the guilt. I know your precious Dozer DOES NOT blame you -- he loves you so much and is so grateful that you were there with him when he made his journey to the perfect world. He is watching over you and will always be with you. Try to think of the good times you shared. I know it's easier said than done. I'm just so sorry that you're going through this. With time and tears it will get easier. But please do not feel alone -- now you have found this wonderful forum, you are not alone. We are right here with you every painful step of the way. Feel free to write as often as you need to.

Try to take care of yourself and I hope you return and let us know how you're getting on. You'll be in my thoughts.

Gentle hugs -- Cheryl x