Full Version: Almost A Month
It's been almost a month since my baby died, and I can't shake the guilt and regrets, and not knowing what happened to her eats at me every single day. The nights are scary and the house seems empty, it even smells different. I keep wondering what her last thoughts were. Was she scared because she was dying? Was she sad because it was too soon? Did she know what was happening? My purpose in life was to take care of her and I failed. I wasn't even there when she died. I was asleep. I should have felt her die but I didn't. I feel like I have no reason to keep living and everything I believed about what happens after we die I'm questioning. What if we never reunite? What if there is no purpose to our lives at all. I miss my little girl so much. I miss her soft floppy ears and her little white chin. I miss how she was always there when I was upset. I've never felt so alone in my whole life. All I think about is dying so I can see her again, but then I wonder if I'll even find her or if we all just evaporate.
Oh dear Erin
What a terrible load you're carrying! The social worker at the vet school where Gretta passed told me that animals choose their entrances and exits - and I believe that. Animals and people are really the same beings. Our souls are intergchangeable with theirs. I think I put in one of my earlier replies that a great Black preacher taught me that faith was a choice - you CHOOSE what you believe in. That's a tremendously comforting thought. This horrible agony we're going through CANNOT be meaningless. It's too powerful and it comes out of too strong a love to just be dust. No, love goes on forever. And the love we blessed few shared with our special soul-animals is a rare thing. We actually experience the oneness of humans and animals. They understand us and we understand them. One thing I've discovered is that people are one of the denser life forms in the universe. We intellectualize. We refuse to believe things we can't see. Animals have much better sense than that - especially spirit animals. Zoe went on to the Perfect World in just the way she was ordained to do. She's been in that world before - it's where she came from. She wasn't scared. She knew there was something wonderfuul on the other side of the doorway she was crossing, because she had to cross that doorway to get to this world. One thing that animals don't have is guilt - that's because they are made of love - every atom of them.
After less than a month, your heart must still be shot-through and bleeding heavily. But please don't give up on your life. Don't leave that way. Please stay with us and let us walk this rocky road with you. Refuse to let doubt about being reunited poison your heart. Choose to believe that we WILL be together, forever, in a Perfect World. It's a jealous demon who tries to get you to doubt that. All of us LS friends KNOW that all of us will be reunited. As they say, "That's my story and I'm sticking with it." yes, I have doubts and sad times, times when I have to remind myself the faith is a CHOICE. Choose to believe, dear Erin. It's what makes life possible.
End of sermon.
Much love and cyber hugs for you tonight and tomorrow and every day.
Gretta's mom
What a terrible load you're carrying! The social worker at the vet school where Gretta passed told me that animals choose their entrances and exits - and I believe that. Animals and people are really the same beings. Our souls are intergchangeable with theirs. I think I put in one of my earlier replies that a great Black preacher taught me that faith was a choice - you CHOOSE what you believe in. That's a tremendously comforting thought. This horrible agony we're going through CANNOT be meaningless. It's too powerful and it comes out of too strong a love to just be dust. No, love goes on forever. And the love we blessed few shared with our special soul-animals is a rare thing. We actually experience the oneness of humans and animals. They understand us and we understand them. One thing I've discovered is that people are one of the denser life forms in the universe. We intellectualize. We refuse to believe things we can't see. Animals have much better sense than that - especially spirit animals. Zoe went on to the Perfect World in just the way she was ordained to do. She's been in that world before - it's where she came from. She wasn't scared. She knew there was something wonderfuul on the other side of the doorway she was crossing, because she had to cross that doorway to get to this world. One thing that animals don't have is guilt - that's because they are made of love - every atom of them.
After less than a month, your heart must still be shot-through and bleeding heavily. But please don't give up on your life. Don't leave that way. Please stay with us and let us walk this rocky road with you. Refuse to let doubt about being reunited poison your heart. Choose to believe that we WILL be together, forever, in a Perfect World. It's a jealous demon who tries to get you to doubt that. All of us LS friends KNOW that all of us will be reunited. As they say, "That's my story and I'm sticking with it." yes, I have doubts and sad times, times when I have to remind myself the faith is a CHOICE. Choose to believe, dear Erin. It's what makes life possible.
End of sermon.
Much love and cyber hugs for you tonight and tomorrow and every day.
Gretta's mom
My friend also told me that they choose their exits, but I just don't understand why she would leave. Was she so unhappy? There was nothing she wanted that she didn't get. I tell everyone she was the "Angelica" of dogs. When she was outside barking like a big dope at someone taking a walk we would have to bribe her in the house with food, so she was even getting rewarded for bad behavior. I think back on these moments and they seem like just yesterday. I don't really have anyone to talk to either. My family is out of the question and my boyfriend tries but he doesn't always know what to say and I need some type of response and reassurance. My best friend lives out of state and his phone isn't always working so I can't really talk to him. Sometimes I feel so alone that I think I might drown, or I want to just start screaming. I feel like I get lost inside my head sometimes. Lately it's been "If I could turn back time I would fix everything, I would do everything I could to keep you here." Or "If I had one wish I would wish you were still here with me." But we brought a puppy into the family and though I was distant at first I'm starting to really love her and accept that she's mine. And then I ask myself, "Would I play death and bring my baby back if it meant denying the puppy a fantastic home, knowing that my baby girl was going to leave me eventually, would I do that?" And then I felt horribly guilty for not knowing what I would do were I put in that situation. I know that I'll never be put in that situation but I get so caught up in the thought I end up having some sort of anxiety attack.
There are also many times where I think about just ending my life. Just the thought of having to live the rest of my whole life with this grief is agonizing. But I couldn't do that to my family and I think if I did do it Zoe would be so sad. And then I say to myself, "Well if I think Zoe would be so sad if I did that then I must believe that she's waiting for me somewhere." And I do this over and over until I get so tired that I have to sleep.
There are also many times where I think about just ending my life. Just the thought of having to live the rest of my whole life with this grief is agonizing. But I couldn't do that to my family and I think if I did do it Zoe would be so sad. And then I say to myself, "Well if I think Zoe would be so sad if I did that then I must believe that she's waiting for me somewhere." And I do this over and over until I get so tired that I have to sleep.
Dear Erin,
I'll share what i believe about living on, but first, at the risk of begin rude and offending you, I must ask you to consider something that will probably make you gag. Please, please my friend talk to a professional. You don't have to be this desperately in pain. You're going through ALL of life's major but unanswerable questions now and you're doing it all alone. Please PLEASE do not take your life. Even though most professional counselors arene't worth the money they paid for their degree, it will be one point of contact for you - a sort of lifeline. If you have a vet or med school near you, that's sometimes a place to look. Grief counselors are decent, too. But promise me that you'll make a call. I'm very worried about you.
About all those things like life after death, choosing exits, being together in a perfect World .... Erin, NO ONE knows for sure. As a scientist, for many years I just "knew" that the elements that make up our bodies will recylce themselves into, say, some green beans or something like that. And i was OK with that. That OK-ness was only because I had not yet met the crushing blow that made me realize that I HAD to find something bigger than me, bigger than science, in order to go on living. The occasion was my sister - we're joined at the hip, as they say - had a failed organ transplant and got body-wide lymphoma. She was an eyelash from death. The doctors said that her only chance - and that was in the low single-digits - was a whopping dose of chemo that would most likely kill her. Her husband and I decided to go ahead, but I knew I couldn't just sit by her bedside and watch that fatal fluid drip drip drip into her vein. Her best friend asked me if i wanted to go to church with her. Thinking I would hear some good old-fashioned gospel music, I said yes. I know she tipped off the preacher, because his sermon was called "Give God a chance." I don't know anything more about life here and now or life after here and now than I ever did, but I DO know tha I couldn't have gone on living if I hadn't decided to grab on to something bigger than me, bigger than lymphoma, bigger than chemo, bigger than anything. Some people call that God, some Atman, it doesn't matter. All I know is that there is a despair so great and deep and balck that you HAVE to grap some kind of lifeline and choose to believe in at least part of it.
You may have seen that I write a lot about spirit animals, soul-mates, being found ont of all the billions in the universe, the Perfect World, animals sending us signs, choosing their exits, etc, etc,. Erin, I don't know if all that is true. Who does? Who has seen it and come back to tell the story? But I do know that those beliefs are the only thing that sustains me in times of despair - like you and I are in over the loss of the dearest friend we ever had. I'm a month ahead ot you on the road, and yesterday I cried all day about my Gretta. (I'm crying now, too.) I have a ne dog, too, because it was just TOO sad to be dogless. He's a huge alb-newfie, a big lovable lout and it's a good thing he doesn't understand English because every time we're on walks, I make up wrods to folk songs about how much I miss Gretta and by the time we're home, I'm crying (as obviously as one can on a public street). Deep, searing grief, while it D)(*Y near kills you, is OK. But please don't let it actually kill you, Erin. If you choose to believe, as I do, in animals living on after this earth, about their being a "Rainbow Bridge" they go over and wait for us, you realize that there IS no answer to the question we most want to know the answer to: WHY?
No, you beloved dog was not unhappy. You gave her the perfect life and the perfect love. It's a cruel turn of events that whoever made this universe made animals' life spans much shorter than ours. I sometimes write about how animals are here to teach us some kind of lessons. I don't know but I choose to believe that. And, just like Mother Teresa is reputed to have said, God never gives me more than I can bear, but I wish He didn't think I was so strong. In some ways, I think we're being refined by this awful suffering - like silver and gold are in the flame. What I want to know is why the H)(*#$ does it have to hurt so much? If I stumble across that answer you'll be the first to know.
Erin, please e-mail me back if you don't feel right about posting in a public space. My personal e-mail is chamee8@hotmail.com. And Please, please let me know often how you are doing. (And, of course, I won't be "mad" in the least if you don't call that professional.)
Treasure those moments with your new puppy that are so hilarious! They're coming to you to brighten up a few seconds of your day. Over time, a long time, those second will get longer and turn into a whole minute ..... and then into 5 minutes ..... you know what I mean.
A gentle day to you, my friend,
Gretta's mom
I'll share what i believe about living on, but first, at the risk of begin rude and offending you, I must ask you to consider something that will probably make you gag. Please, please my friend talk to a professional. You don't have to be this desperately in pain. You're going through ALL of life's major but unanswerable questions now and you're doing it all alone. Please PLEASE do not take your life. Even though most professional counselors arene't worth the money they paid for their degree, it will be one point of contact for you - a sort of lifeline. If you have a vet or med school near you, that's sometimes a place to look. Grief counselors are decent, too. But promise me that you'll make a call. I'm very worried about you.
About all those things like life after death, choosing exits, being together in a perfect World .... Erin, NO ONE knows for sure. As a scientist, for many years I just "knew" that the elements that make up our bodies will recylce themselves into, say, some green beans or something like that. And i was OK with that. That OK-ness was only because I had not yet met the crushing blow that made me realize that I HAD to find something bigger than me, bigger than science, in order to go on living. The occasion was my sister - we're joined at the hip, as they say - had a failed organ transplant and got body-wide lymphoma. She was an eyelash from death. The doctors said that her only chance - and that was in the low single-digits - was a whopping dose of chemo that would most likely kill her. Her husband and I decided to go ahead, but I knew I couldn't just sit by her bedside and watch that fatal fluid drip drip drip into her vein. Her best friend asked me if i wanted to go to church with her. Thinking I would hear some good old-fashioned gospel music, I said yes. I know she tipped off the preacher, because his sermon was called "Give God a chance." I don't know anything more about life here and now or life after here and now than I ever did, but I DO know tha I couldn't have gone on living if I hadn't decided to grab on to something bigger than me, bigger than lymphoma, bigger than chemo, bigger than anything. Some people call that God, some Atman, it doesn't matter. All I know is that there is a despair so great and deep and balck that you HAVE to grap some kind of lifeline and choose to believe in at least part of it.
You may have seen that I write a lot about spirit animals, soul-mates, being found ont of all the billions in the universe, the Perfect World, animals sending us signs, choosing their exits, etc, etc,. Erin, I don't know if all that is true. Who does? Who has seen it and come back to tell the story? But I do know that those beliefs are the only thing that sustains me in times of despair - like you and I are in over the loss of the dearest friend we ever had. I'm a month ahead ot you on the road, and yesterday I cried all day about my Gretta. (I'm crying now, too.) I have a ne dog, too, because it was just TOO sad to be dogless. He's a huge alb-newfie, a big lovable lout and it's a good thing he doesn't understand English because every time we're on walks, I make up wrods to folk songs about how much I miss Gretta and by the time we're home, I'm crying (as obviously as one can on a public street). Deep, searing grief, while it D)(*Y near kills you, is OK. But please don't let it actually kill you, Erin. If you choose to believe, as I do, in animals living on after this earth, about their being a "Rainbow Bridge" they go over and wait for us, you realize that there IS no answer to the question we most want to know the answer to: WHY?
No, you beloved dog was not unhappy. You gave her the perfect life and the perfect love. It's a cruel turn of events that whoever made this universe made animals' life spans much shorter than ours. I sometimes write about how animals are here to teach us some kind of lessons. I don't know but I choose to believe that. And, just like Mother Teresa is reputed to have said, God never gives me more than I can bear, but I wish He didn't think I was so strong. In some ways, I think we're being refined by this awful suffering - like silver and gold are in the flame. What I want to know is why the H)(*#$ does it have to hurt so much? If I stumble across that answer you'll be the first to know.
Erin, please e-mail me back if you don't feel right about posting in a public space. My personal e-mail is chamee8@hotmail.com. And Please, please let me know often how you are doing. (And, of course, I won't be "mad" in the least if you don't call that professional.)
Treasure those moments with your new puppy that are so hilarious! They're coming to you to brighten up a few seconds of your day. Over time, a long time, those second will get longer and turn into a whole minute ..... and then into 5 minutes ..... you know what I mean.
A gentle day to you, my friend,
Gretta's mom
Hi, Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief journey is a very painful adjustment journey. It is a one day at a time journey, and during the deep grief, a minute at a time journey. Unfortunately the only way this seering pain in your heart can ease is to allow yourself the gift to grieve the physical loss of your precious Zoe.
Gretta has given you some very comforting words, and I hope you will read them often.
Erin, I do understand the depths of despair. Despair leads to feelings of hopelessness, and hopelessness can lead to feelings of despondency which can lead to paths which under different circumstances we thought would never enter our minds. Grieving can cause physical chemical imbalances in our brains which may require temporary medicinal intervention under the supervision of a physician. If you are concerned about how you are feeling then it is very wise of you to talk to your doctor. Many years ago for different traumatic and tragic circumstances I needed professional counseling and temporary medicinal treatment. This is NOT a negative reflection on you, Erin -- it is NOT a sign of a lack of endurance or lack of self-will to "handle" things. It isn't even a sign of a lack of faith. Grieving a loss of a beloved companion can sorely challenge the faith / beliefs of one who professes to be a stalwart believer in whatever their beliefs are. So what you are going through, Erin, is very normal. But you must also take care of yourself - - both physically and emotionally, and please know we are here for you - - you are NEVER alone, Erin. Sometimes it takes a "leap of faith" in times of great turmoil for us to grow - - to discover new dimensions of looking at things. Our beloved companions broadened our "horizons" when they joined us in our hearts and homes, and they continue to help us discover "new dimensions" when they precede us to the angels. This side of eternity is a constant journey of "growth" - - physical, emotional, and - - spiritual. Unfortunately sometimes this growth process is very painful - - as evidenced in the grief journey when we lose the precious physical presence of our beloved companions. Our beloved companions do not want us to become so entrenched in "what used to be" that we forfeit the wonder and beauty of "what is and can be and hope for."
So don't be afraid to make friends with the new fur family member. Perhaps you may not believe this right now, but perhaps your precious Zoe helped to guide this new puppy to you for comfort. Please believe me, Erin, NO new companion will ever "replace" your precious Zoe. Zoe will ALWAYS and FOREVER have her own special place in your heart and life. It really is okay to smile again, Erin, for this is what your precious Zoe wants for you.
Erin, I hope what I have shared with you will bring you some comfort and encouragement. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Erin, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Gretta has given you some very comforting words, and I hope you will read them often.
Erin, I do understand the depths of despair. Despair leads to feelings of hopelessness, and hopelessness can lead to feelings of despondency which can lead to paths which under different circumstances we thought would never enter our minds. Grieving can cause physical chemical imbalances in our brains which may require temporary medicinal intervention under the supervision of a physician. If you are concerned about how you are feeling then it is very wise of you to talk to your doctor. Many years ago for different traumatic and tragic circumstances I needed professional counseling and temporary medicinal treatment. This is NOT a negative reflection on you, Erin -- it is NOT a sign of a lack of endurance or lack of self-will to "handle" things. It isn't even a sign of a lack of faith. Grieving a loss of a beloved companion can sorely challenge the faith / beliefs of one who professes to be a stalwart believer in whatever their beliefs are. So what you are going through, Erin, is very normal. But you must also take care of yourself - - both physically and emotionally, and please know we are here for you - - you are NEVER alone, Erin. Sometimes it takes a "leap of faith" in times of great turmoil for us to grow - - to discover new dimensions of looking at things. Our beloved companions broadened our "horizons" when they joined us in our hearts and homes, and they continue to help us discover "new dimensions" when they precede us to the angels. This side of eternity is a constant journey of "growth" - - physical, emotional, and - - spiritual. Unfortunately sometimes this growth process is very painful - - as evidenced in the grief journey when we lose the precious physical presence of our beloved companions. Our beloved companions do not want us to become so entrenched in "what used to be" that we forfeit the wonder and beauty of "what is and can be and hope for."
So don't be afraid to make friends with the new fur family member. Perhaps you may not believe this right now, but perhaps your precious Zoe helped to guide this new puppy to you for comfort. Please believe me, Erin, NO new companion will ever "replace" your precious Zoe. Zoe will ALWAYS and FOREVER have her own special place in your heart and life. It really is okay to smile again, Erin, for this is what your precious Zoe wants for you.
Erin, I hope what I have shared with you will bring you some comfort and encouragement. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Erin, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Thank you guys. I've just been having such a tough time. I've been wanting to go the animal hospital down the road to see if they could recommend anyone but it's where my baby died. I also wanted to ask them if they have on record what the cause of death was.
She loved being outside and we had this big long leash for her. She would go into the yard near the driveway and lay in the grass. Sometimes I would look out the window and she would be rolling around (and of course I would have to go outside and see her). The best is when one of us came home from wherever we were. If she was outside she would stand up and when we walked toward her all smiling and happy to see her she would start jumping up and down. She was so excited when we came home.
That's how I picture our reunion, only there's a big tree. I'm going to see her and run up to her and she's going to be all excited and jump around like she used to, I hope. My only problem now is I'm focusing so much on our reunion that the rest of my life has no meaning to me. It's almost like I KNOW it's going to be soon. It's difficult to explain.
I started an altar for her. I lit candles for her tonight because in a few short hours will be the one month anniversary.
Click to view attachment
The pig is there because I always called her Piggy. There's also a little plastic pink bear that I found when I was planting roses for her. I'm going to continue to add to it for as long as I live.
She loved being outside and we had this big long leash for her. She would go into the yard near the driveway and lay in the grass. Sometimes I would look out the window and she would be rolling around (and of course I would have to go outside and see her). The best is when one of us came home from wherever we were. If she was outside she would stand up and when we walked toward her all smiling and happy to see her she would start jumping up and down. She was so excited when we came home.
That's how I picture our reunion, only there's a big tree. I'm going to see her and run up to her and she's going to be all excited and jump around like she used to, I hope. My only problem now is I'm focusing so much on our reunion that the rest of my life has no meaning to me. It's almost like I KNOW it's going to be soon. It's difficult to explain.
I started an altar for her. I lit candles for her tonight because in a few short hours will be the one month anniversary.
Click to view attachment
The pig is there because I always called her Piggy. There's also a little plastic pink bear that I found when I was planting roses for her. I'm going to continue to add to it for as long as I live.
Hello Erin
It's so good to hear from you! We care and I, for one, was worried about you. And thank you for sharing the picture of your altar to Zoe. I've got a little one for Gretta, too. And I say hello to her in the morning and good night at night. I tell her what a wonderful dog she IS and how much I miss her and thank her for sending me another dog in need, Rufus, the half-lab half newfie.
If you're ready to and want to find out about Zoe's physical problems, a visit to the animal hospital may be good. I waited for about two weeks before I did that. I have a WONDERFUL vet and was already missing all the great people who work at his clinic. First thing he did was give me three big, silent hugs. Even though I understand medical terminology, he gave me a kind of 3/4 version and I'm grateful he did. Only go if and when you're ready and take someone with you. I'm so relived that you're thinking of asking the animal hospital to recommend someone to talk to. You don't have to actually go there. You can just call them. If they can't think of anyone, here's how to get to the social worker at the U of MN Vet School in Saint Paul, MN. It might be far away from where you live, but she could probably recommend someone in your area.
Google "University of Minnesota Vet School"
The select Emergency Clinic (they're open 24/7) and ask to speak to the social worker. her name is Janine Moga. I talked to her yesterday and I'm sure she'd be helpful.
Erin, maybe what you're feeling as it being soon that you'll be reunited with Zoe is Zoe's spirit hovering around you. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, but it seems likely. Gretta came to me in a dream (as a golden retriever, not a chocolate lab) once, and called my name once (I know, on earth here dogs don't talk - let alone in English!). Zoe loves you the same as always. Love is forever. It's only the outward form that changes. She knows your heart and how much you are suffering. She cares. Oh yes ... she does. You're in the deep grief that feels like someone has shot you in the heart - and you're holding up ... out of love for Zoe and for yourself. I applaud you, because I know the H^&(*&^ you're going through and that nothing anyone can say can make it go away.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for staying with us. As individuals, we break like twigs. Together we're strong enough to hold each other up. Have the best day you can and try to find a tiny few seconds of relief.
Your concerned friend,
Gretta's mom
It's so good to hear from you! We care and I, for one, was worried about you. And thank you for sharing the picture of your altar to Zoe. I've got a little one for Gretta, too. And I say hello to her in the morning and good night at night. I tell her what a wonderful dog she IS and how much I miss her and thank her for sending me another dog in need, Rufus, the half-lab half newfie.
If you're ready to and want to find out about Zoe's physical problems, a visit to the animal hospital may be good. I waited for about two weeks before I did that. I have a WONDERFUL vet and was already missing all the great people who work at his clinic. First thing he did was give me three big, silent hugs. Even though I understand medical terminology, he gave me a kind of 3/4 version and I'm grateful he did. Only go if and when you're ready and take someone with you. I'm so relived that you're thinking of asking the animal hospital to recommend someone to talk to. You don't have to actually go there. You can just call them. If they can't think of anyone, here's how to get to the social worker at the U of MN Vet School in Saint Paul, MN. It might be far away from where you live, but she could probably recommend someone in your area.
Google "University of Minnesota Vet School"
The select Emergency Clinic (they're open 24/7) and ask to speak to the social worker. her name is Janine Moga. I talked to her yesterday and I'm sure she'd be helpful.
Erin, maybe what you're feeling as it being soon that you'll be reunited with Zoe is Zoe's spirit hovering around you. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, but it seems likely. Gretta came to me in a dream (as a golden retriever, not a chocolate lab) once, and called my name once (I know, on earth here dogs don't talk - let alone in English!). Zoe loves you the same as always. Love is forever. It's only the outward form that changes. She knows your heart and how much you are suffering. She cares. Oh yes ... she does. You're in the deep grief that feels like someone has shot you in the heart - and you're holding up ... out of love for Zoe and for yourself. I applaud you, because I know the H^&(*&^ you're going through and that nothing anyone can say can make it go away.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for staying with us. As individuals, we break like twigs. Together we're strong enough to hold each other up. Have the best day you can and try to find a tiny few seconds of relief.
Your concerned friend,
Gretta's mom
Hi Erin,
It's good to hear from you. I, too, worry about you. I don't Know what I can say to you that won't sound like useless platitudes, but please know that you are among some of the most caring people I have ever "met" here on this site.
That being said, I think speaking to the social worker is a great idea. I have been speaking to a counselor for 2 weeks now and it has helped immensely. I tried my pastor first but I confess I got sick of the "its in God's hands" I know that but I needed help dealing while here on earth! I have no plans to leave it anytime soon, June 24 I will be a one year cervical cancer survivor! Sorry if that's tmi.
Anyway, please know you're not alone and I mean KNOW that deep down. Please be good to yourself.
Shelby (kaylasmom)
It's good to hear from you. I, too, worry about you. I don't Know what I can say to you that won't sound like useless platitudes, but please know that you are among some of the most caring people I have ever "met" here on this site.
That being said, I think speaking to the social worker is a great idea. I have been speaking to a counselor for 2 weeks now and it has helped immensely. I tried my pastor first but I confess I got sick of the "its in God's hands" I know that but I needed help dealing while here on earth! I have no plans to leave it anytime soon, June 24 I will be a one year cervical cancer survivor! Sorry if that's tmi.
Anyway, please know you're not alone and I mean KNOW that deep down. Please be good to yourself.
Shelby (kaylasmom)
Hi, Erin, thank you so very much for sharing your beautiful memorial to your precious Zoe with us. When we are in deep grief it is natural for our thoughts to be focused on being with our beloved companions. This is not morbid, and it isn't even a death wish. It's our mind's and body's and heart's way of coping with the horrendous adjustment to not having our beloved companion's physical presence with us. In deep grief the physical and emotional ache to be with our beloved companions is overwhelming. Your thoughts and dreams of your reunion with your precious Zoe are normal, Erin, - - and yes, when you see her again - - at your appropriate time - - she will be jumping and skipping and hopping with joy. It's okay to hold onto those images in your heart, Erin - - as long as you remember that it's okay - - and necessary - - for you to continue your earthly journey with a happy heart in honor of the eternal love bond you and your precious Zoe share.
It just takes time, Erin - - healing time - - one day at a time - - enduring the not so good days, allowing yourself to enjoy the better days, and knowing you are NEVER alone - - for we are here for you, with you, and beside you with every step you take in your journey, Erin.
Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
It just takes time, Erin - - healing time - - one day at a time - - enduring the not so good days, allowing yourself to enjoy the better days, and knowing you are NEVER alone - - for we are here for you, with you, and beside you with every step you take in your journey, Erin.
Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
It makes me happy that you're a cancer survivor! My aunt is a breast cancer survivor.
Thank you all again for talking to me, I wish I could give you all hugs because you mean so much to me right now. I've decided to see a therapist. My sister came into my room tonight and said she liked Zoe's altar, and of course we started crying. She told me she was telling my mom how worried she was about me because when she walks in here to do laundry (I made the laundry room into a bedroom so the washer and dryer are in here), she feels nothing but sadness. She says it's like when you can feel tension walking into a room, she feels sadness when she enters mine. She asked how I was doing and I told her everything, even about how much you guys on here help me. She told me her friend goes to therapy every week and she's going to get me a number and ask her how much it is.
A new guilt I feel is about how I stressed her out when I was upset. I feel like it may have contributed to her heart problem. My poor baby girl. I can't apologize enough to her.
Thank you all again for talking to me, I wish I could give you all hugs because you mean so much to me right now. I've decided to see a therapist. My sister came into my room tonight and said she liked Zoe's altar, and of course we started crying. She told me she was telling my mom how worried she was about me because when she walks in here to do laundry (I made the laundry room into a bedroom so the washer and dryer are in here), she feels nothing but sadness. She says it's like when you can feel tension walking into a room, she feels sadness when she enters mine. She asked how I was doing and I told her everything, even about how much you guys on here help me. She told me her friend goes to therapy every week and she's going to get me a number and ask her how much it is.
A new guilt I feel is about how I stressed her out when I was upset. I feel like it may have contributed to her heart problem. My poor baby girl. I can't apologize enough to her.
Dear Erin
Thank you, thank you, thank you for stepping out and connecting with a therapist. They're not perfect, and sometimes even they don't understand as fully as you'd like them to, but they're a connection and can help you think a little more clearly during this awful period.
Of course there is sadness and tension in your altar room. You're in deep, agonizing grief. That's what the spirit of the room WOULD be. Also your sister is probably picking up on YOUR feelings, not any that the room is giving off. And of course you most definitely DID NOT contribute to Zoe's heart condition by being stressed while around her. That's what these spirit dogs are for - it's their job to comfort us when our souls are troubled. The more stressed we feel, the more they sidle up to us and try to get us to put our hands or faces on their soft coats. They understand and they are fully able to give care and love during their "human's" rough times without taking any of it on themselves. It's like when you help someone else and get more out of it yourself than they did.
Good friend, thank you for taking this step. Zoe is right behind you, whispering in your ear, giving you the courage you need to reach out for an earthly lifeline. They're pricey, pricey, PRICEY, but on of the things I did that helped me the most was to get one of the soft pillows that are advertised on this site. You don't have to use them for ashes. In fact, I think they would be more comforting if you just used them as a soft warm pillow. Before mine came - right after Gretta passed - I was so sad that I took two of her showsuits (which she hated!) and velcroed them together into a sort of pillow and slept with that every night. Here's something I don't tell just everyone - I was so sad that I slept on Gretta's dog bed (it's a big, orthopedic one) for a couple of weeks. I'm a solo, so there is no one around to comment.
You've turned a very healthy corner, Ms Erin. It doesn't hurt any less but your words are full of health now instead of anguished desperation. We're all giving you a big hug and will keep that up until you're strong again - or until forever, whichever comes first.
Catch that tiny moment of relief today and keep breathing in and out - sometimes that feel like all we can manage!
Keep in touch.
Gretta's mom
Thank you, thank you, thank you for stepping out and connecting with a therapist. They're not perfect, and sometimes even they don't understand as fully as you'd like them to, but they're a connection and can help you think a little more clearly during this awful period.
Of course there is sadness and tension in your altar room. You're in deep, agonizing grief. That's what the spirit of the room WOULD be. Also your sister is probably picking up on YOUR feelings, not any that the room is giving off. And of course you most definitely DID NOT contribute to Zoe's heart condition by being stressed while around her. That's what these spirit dogs are for - it's their job to comfort us when our souls are troubled. The more stressed we feel, the more they sidle up to us and try to get us to put our hands or faces on their soft coats. They understand and they are fully able to give care and love during their "human's" rough times without taking any of it on themselves. It's like when you help someone else and get more out of it yourself than they did.
Good friend, thank you for taking this step. Zoe is right behind you, whispering in your ear, giving you the courage you need to reach out for an earthly lifeline. They're pricey, pricey, PRICEY, but on of the things I did that helped me the most was to get one of the soft pillows that are advertised on this site. You don't have to use them for ashes. In fact, I think they would be more comforting if you just used them as a soft warm pillow. Before mine came - right after Gretta passed - I was so sad that I took two of her showsuits (which she hated!) and velcroed them together into a sort of pillow and slept with that every night. Here's something I don't tell just everyone - I was so sad that I slept on Gretta's dog bed (it's a big, orthopedic one) for a couple of weeks. I'm a solo, so there is no one around to comment.
You've turned a very healthy corner, Ms Erin. It doesn't hurt any less but your words are full of health now instead of anguished desperation. We're all giving you a big hug and will keep that up until you're strong again - or until forever, whichever comes first.
Catch that tiny moment of relief today and keep breathing in and out - sometimes that feel like all we can manage!
Keep in touch.
Gretta's mom
Hi, Erin. I am new here and not very good at offering comfort or advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I read your story and am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I really understand how you feel. And Gretta's Mom is right - you are to be totally commended for having the courage and strength to reach out to a therapist. Being able to recognize the need for help with something this life-changing is definitely a sign of strength, not weakness. I would be a complete basket case were it not for the help and encouragement of others right now.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girl. I know no one can say anything to make her absence any less painful, but please know that many people understand what you're going through and care about you. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Love,
Terri
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girl. I know no one can say anything to make her absence any less painful, but please know that many people understand what you're going through and care about you. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Love,
Terri
Thank you all so much. I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't have you to talk to. It's really very hard. My sister said I could talk to her whenever I wanted but my family doesn't really understand that I can't help the bad thoughts I have. They say things like "you can't think that way", it's not as easy as just telling myself "don't think that way" when they're the only thoughts in my head. I can't help what I think.
I watched a movie today, Avatar, I had never seen it before. I had stopped reading and watching movies. I guess you can say I have a crazy imagination and get sucked into things. Normally I like the fact that I can get lost in a book or a really good movie but I'm not sure I like it so much, because then I have to remember why I feel so horrible when I get sucked back into reality. Anyway the movie was beautiful and I hope my baby girl is in a beautiful place like that.
I found a person who had the same thing happen to their dog. After a month of researching. First time I've found anything. I'm going to try to contact this person to see if their vet said anything as to what it may have been. I don't know if this will help me or not but I guess I'll see. I also found out that my insurance covers therapy so that's good news.
I watched a movie today, Avatar, I had never seen it before. I had stopped reading and watching movies. I guess you can say I have a crazy imagination and get sucked into things. Normally I like the fact that I can get lost in a book or a really good movie but I'm not sure I like it so much, because then I have to remember why I feel so horrible when I get sucked back into reality. Anyway the movie was beautiful and I hope my baby girl is in a beautiful place like that.
I found a person who had the same thing happen to their dog. After a month of researching. First time I've found anything. I'm going to try to contact this person to see if their vet said anything as to what it may have been. I don't know if this will help me or not but I guess I'll see. I also found out that my insurance covers therapy so that's good news.
Way to go, Erin! Will write more later!
You go, girl! I know its a tough road you're on. I'm at 5 weeks and 3 days almost to the minute since Kayla passed. There have been many ups and downs emotionally but all in all I'm doing ok. And that's all anyone can ask of me. I like to think of counseling as sort of a gps on life's highway, you don't always know the route you're gonna take, as long as you know where you'd like to be, and there's no shame in needing directions.
Be good to yourself.
Shelby (kaylasmom)
Be good to yourself.
Shelby (kaylasmom)
I'm really scared. What if the therapist is mean to me or makes me feel stupid. I'm really nervous.
Hey Erin, Hope you are doing okay, don't be nervous about seeing a counsellor, a good one should let you offload everything you need to without judgement, take care of yourself
Erin
If the therapist makes you feel stupid or guilty or in any way you're uncomfortable with him or her, just find another one. Sometimes you have to go through several before you find one who "clicks" with you. Don't give up ... but don't settle, either.
We're here and rooting for you!
Gretta's mom
If the therapist makes you feel stupid or guilty or in any way you're uncomfortable with him or her, just find another one. Sometimes you have to go through several before you find one who "clicks" with you. Don't give up ... but don't settle, either.
We're here and rooting for you!
Gretta's mom
Ok so, my deductible is really high so I won't be able to go see a therapist. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet.
Erin,
I'm so sorry for the loss and all the pain you are going through. I was totally crazy for the first month....crying hour after hour. I still cry a lot now but for not as long, and I have managed a whole day without doing it.
Have you ever been bereaved before? I ask this because the first time is the worst because you don't expect all the "guilty feelings" and the anger and the depression. I am still heartbroken, but it is less frightening than the first time.
lots of love to you,
Lizzie
I'm so sorry for the loss and all the pain you are going through. I was totally crazy for the first month....crying hour after hour. I still cry a lot now but for not as long, and I have managed a whole day without doing it.
Have you ever been bereaved before? I ask this because the first time is the worst because you don't expect all the "guilty feelings" and the anger and the depression. I am still heartbroken, but it is less frightening than the first time.
lots of love to you,
Lizzie
Hi, Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how things are going for you. Have you spoken with a counselor yet? Sometimes they will offer one free consult which is really focused on what you're feeling and a therapist can help you lay a foundation for addressing your feelings. Also, even though you have insurance, sometimes a counselor will adjust their rates to accommodate the financial challenges of a client.
So, please do not give up yet. You may also want to talk to your doctor. He / she may be able to suggest a local support group which are usually conducted a licensed counselor. Have you checked with your local humane society? Sometmies they have support groups also conducted by a licensed counselor. So, there are options - - (I hope) - - in your area.
But whatever happens, Erin, please, please, please know we are here for you. It really doesn't matter if it's our first experience with a loss of a beloved companion or our fiftieth, or thousandth. Each grief journey is uniquely painful because each of our relationships with our beloved companions are individually unique. Please know you are among friends here, Erin, and we are with you, beside you, and for you with every step you take in your grief adjustment journey.
I hope life is being kind to you today, Erin. Please know you are in my thougths and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
So, please do not give up yet. You may also want to talk to your doctor. He / she may be able to suggest a local support group which are usually conducted a licensed counselor. Have you checked with your local humane society? Sometmies they have support groups also conducted by a licensed counselor. So, there are options - - (I hope) - - in your area.
But whatever happens, Erin, please, please, please know we are here for you. It really doesn't matter if it's our first experience with a loss of a beloved companion or our fiftieth, or thousandth. Each grief journey is uniquely painful because each of our relationships with our beloved companions are individually unique. Please know you are among friends here, Erin, and we are with you, beside you, and for you with every step you take in your grief adjustment journey.
I hope life is being kind to you today, Erin. Please know you are in my thougths and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Oh Erin, How disappointing about your insurance making it impossible to see a therapist. One thing you could try is to see if there is a local humane society in your area. Often they have pet loss support groups. Like therapists, some of these groups are good and some are not so much, but at least you get to sit with people who understand EXACTLY what you're going through.
You're a courageous and strong woman, Erin. Don't give up trying to get the ear you need.
Gretta's mom
You're a courageous and strong woman, Erin. Don't give up trying to get the ear you need.
Gretta's mom
I'll have to stop by the hospital one of these days. It's where Zoe passed so I've been putting it off.
Last night I was sitting next to Guinness and crying. I was just petting him and crying because I missed Zoe. He loved Zoe so much. He was so good to his big sister. He was on the couch and I was sitting on the floor, all of a sudden he put his paw on my shoulder and pushed a little. He did that every time I let out a sob. It made me feel better knowing he was okay because he was trying to cheer me up. I just wanted to share that with you all.
Last night I was sitting next to Guinness and crying. I was just petting him and crying because I missed Zoe. He loved Zoe so much. He was so good to his big sister. He was on the couch and I was sitting on the floor, all of a sudden he put his paw on my shoulder and pushed a little. He did that every time I let out a sob. It made me feel better knowing he was okay because he was trying to cheer me up. I just wanted to share that with you all.
Hi Erin,
Does your company offer an Employee Assistance program? Sometimes called EAP programs, they're separate from your other benefits, and most of those programs offer short term problem focus therapy for free. Thats the route I went, my plan offered 6 visits. The H.R. office can give you the phone number to the plan. You call the administrator, tell them what you need and they refer your to someone in your area. It's kept confidential from your employer, too. I don't know if all companies offer the program but its worth looking into.
Your vets office or the local humane society might also have support groups, I think GM may have already mentioned that.
Take care of yourself.
Your LS friend,
Shelby
Does your company offer an Employee Assistance program? Sometimes called EAP programs, they're separate from your other benefits, and most of those programs offer short term problem focus therapy for free. Thats the route I went, my plan offered 6 visits. The H.R. office can give you the phone number to the plan. You call the administrator, tell them what you need and they refer your to someone in your area. It's kept confidential from your employer, too. I don't know if all companies offer the program but its worth looking into.
Your vets office or the local humane society might also have support groups, I think GM may have already mentioned that.
Take care of yourself.
Your LS friend,
Shelby
We do have an EAP program and there's a phone number. I could try and call that. I'm not sure what to say though.
Hi Erin,
All companies may be different. When I called all I told them was I needed to find a therapist. They gave me a bunch of names and phone numbers and also how many visits I was eligible for. At that point you have to call the offices yourself to find one near you and make your appointment. That's it! Of course, the receptionist at your chosen therapist office will need to know more info about you and your particular reason for needing to be seen but believe me I'm sure they have heard every problem imaginable and will be kind and respectfull to you.
Good luck and please keep us posted.
Shelby
All companies may be different. When I called all I told them was I needed to find a therapist. They gave me a bunch of names and phone numbers and also how many visits I was eligible for. At that point you have to call the offices yourself to find one near you and make your appointment. That's it! Of course, the receptionist at your chosen therapist office will need to know more info about you and your particular reason for needing to be seen but believe me I'm sure they have heard every problem imaginable and will be kind and respectfull to you.
Good luck and please keep us posted.
Shelby
Good morning Erin
The EAP program ... how could I have forgotten about that! Thanks, Lightning Strikers - another helping hand. Erin, your story about Guiness pawing you when you cry reminds me of my dog Rufus (the dog Gretta sent me about a month after she went to the Perfect World). I think he's psychic! Every time I'm on Lighting Strike or writing to Gretta or doing something else sad on the computer and start to cry, Rufus (a 102# lab-Newfie) gets up and comes over to me and sticks his nose between me and the computer and doesn't give up until I stop typing! My sister - who has always had malek C-O-C-K-E-R spaniels, says that's the boy-dog way - clumsy but effective. Sounds like Guiness is psychic, too.
Have the best day you can and please let us know how the EAP thing turns out. I'm sorry this is taking so long, but it's worth it.
Bye for now,
Gretta's Mom
The EAP program ... how could I have forgotten about that! Thanks, Lightning Strikers - another helping hand. Erin, your story about Guiness pawing you when you cry reminds me of my dog Rufus (the dog Gretta sent me about a month after she went to the Perfect World). I think he's psychic! Every time I'm on Lighting Strike or writing to Gretta or doing something else sad on the computer and start to cry, Rufus (a 102# lab-Newfie) gets up and comes over to me and sticks his nose between me and the computer and doesn't give up until I stop typing! My sister - who has always had malek C-O-C-K-E-R spaniels, says that's the boy-dog way - clumsy but effective. Sounds like Guiness is psychic, too.
Have the best day you can and please let us know how the EAP thing turns out. I'm sorry this is taking so long, but it's worth it.
Bye for now,
Gretta's Mom
Hi, Erin, just stopping by to say hello and to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope life is treating you kindly, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hello guys. Life has been pretty hectic for me. I definitely need to go back on my anti depressant because I've been going crazy. I keep thinking that every time Zoe is not in my thoughts I'm forgetting about her.
Hey Erin, Hope you are okay - i don't know if it will help but petloss.com has a page listing pet loss phone counselling, the link is in the main menu and they seem to have people all over the place, take care of yourself
I forgot to say I don't know if you've looked at the pinned topics on this forum but the second one (I think it's called Can This be Added To Important Topics) has some fantastic words from Rhapsedy that have really helped me in the last week, you should have a look - I hope they will help you too.
Hi, Erin. Just wanted to say that I hope you're doing okay and that we're all thinking of you. I don't think you're forgetting Zoe at all - I think our brains actually force us to think about other things sometimes to protect us from what would happen if we constantly thought of nothing but our babies (at least that seems to be true in my case).
Hang in there, Erin, and please let us know if there's anything we can do. Hugs to you!
Love,
Terri
Hang in there, Erin, and please let us know if there's anything we can do. Hugs to you!
Love,
Terri
Hi, Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I think you are making a very wise decision about resuming your medication. Grieving can literally change the chemical balance in our brains, which intensifies the grieving and other not so positive thoughts.
And as Terri has already shared with you in her response, so I wish to affirm her wise words: You will NEVER forget your precious Zoe. It is IMPOSSIBLE. Zoe may not always be forefront in your thoughts as your earthly journey continues, BUT I GUARANTEE she will ALWAYS be a part of you - - for she is always in your heart and your memories - - she is ALWAYS a heartbeat close to you.
Erin, I hope today is treating you kindly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
And as Terri has already shared with you in her response, so I wish to affirm her wise words: You will NEVER forget your precious Zoe. It is IMPOSSIBLE. Zoe may not always be forefront in your thoughts as your earthly journey continues, BUT I GUARANTEE she will ALWAYS be a part of you - - for she is always in your heart and your memories - - she is ALWAYS a heartbeat close to you.
Erin, I hope today is treating you kindly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
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