Eight years ago after a devastating loss of my beloved pet "Fang" I called the number of a breeder in the city inquiring about a puppy. As I talked to the breeder she also told me about a 3 year old that she had as a stud. She said that this dog should be someone’s pet, he was so loving and gentle and craved attention. We took the hours drive with our then 4 year old Pomeranian, Buddy. When we got there we went into the room where she kept the dogs and looked at the cute puppies, but I asked to see the little dog she had earlier told me about. She walked over to the cages and opened the door to Jaspers cage. He was beautiful and I knew right then and there he was ours!!
On the drive home he sat on my lap and didn't move a muscle. When I tried to look at him or talked to him, he would look away quietly. Once we got him home we lavished him with love and attention and soon he learned what it was like to have a family and to be loved and he began to give his love too. Living three years in a cage he didn't know what it was like to be a pampered pooch.
He learned tricks, played with our other dog, ran and played and thrived in his new home. I always felt that he needed us but I knew I needed him too. Two years after he became a part of our family he started having seizures. After many months of meds we finally got them under control. Then during a routine blood test we found out that his thyroid was out of whack so more meds for him. Two years ago he developed a peri-&%^ tumor, (non cancerous) We were told in his condition he wouldn't survive surgery and if he did he would probably be incontinent. This didn't seem to bother him a bit. I think all of his medical problems made me love him even more. He was my baby and I protected him at all costs. Trust me, he gave me more than I ever gave him. My love for him was and is endless!
He loved playing with "buddy" and couldn't wait for daddy to get home for hours of endless scratching and petting. He loved to go camping, go "bye-bye" and loved the outdoors and the sunshine. He loved his bed and burrowing under pillows was a favorite pastime of Jaspers. Everyone loved him and he was the best natured Chihuahua there was. Every vet that ever saw him would say what nice dog he was, ( I guess they can be nasty) He had the most adorable tipped back ears you ever saw! He loved his treats and Mommy was bad about giving them to him because he loved them so much............He loved all his people and never had a bad day in his life until Friday morning when I went to get both of my dogs out of bed. Normally Jasper is the first one out the door and ready to start the day but he lagged behind and once we got to the door I knew there was something terribly wrong with my baby.
I took him to the emergency vet, laboring for breath. They did numerous tests and consulted with two other specialist and the verdict was that he had probable lung lesions (cancer) with secondary pneumonia. I spent all day with him Friday, cuddling him, telling him what a good boy he was and how much I loved him. I had to leave him there at the pet hospital in an oxygen box and IV's.
We went to see him that night. He seemed to be a bit better, we carried him out the the grass to potty, talked to him and gave him lots of kisses before they put him back in the box. He looked at me like "why Mommy are you putting me back here?"
I called yesterday morning and they said that we was doing a little better. They told me to call back at noon and when I did the Dr told me that they had consulted with yet another Dr and it was the same. We went to see him at 1:00. We had decided that we were going to give him at least one more day before making any decisions. When we got

there his condition had deteriorated. We took him out of the box and his gums were "bluish" he seemed to hardly recognize us. We took him out to the grassy area and he would only stand there, struggling for breath. I cried to my husband that I thought he was suffering, he agreed. We talked for a few minutes and some of the vet staff came over to help us, we told them we were thinking, that we should end his suffering, they agreed. Jasper gave it his all to wag his tail the littlest bit, it broke my heart!
We decided to send our baby to the rainbow bridge. They gave him a sedative and then administer the "shot" he was gone!!! We took him home. My husband made a beautiful box. We placed his bed in it, along with treats, covered him with a blanket and placed him in the garden in the sunniest spot where I can keep my eye on him. He SO loved the sun!
I miss my baby so bad and I know that this hurt will last forever. I wonder if I did the right thing for Jasper? Were the vets right? Maybe there was more that I could have done to save him? After all there was no biopsy, maybe it was just pneumonia and he would have gotten better? The vet told us that we were doing the "right thing" he said that he was suffering and I KNEW he was, but I still have that lingering regret. I would spend any amount of money for that dog, it wasn't about that, but I didn't want him to suffer either. I am struggling so badly with this. I loved that dog with all my heart and soul. I feel like I will never be the same without him. He got me through so many bad times, like losing my dad. I just hope I did the right thing. I hope I did everything I could have done. I know I gave him a good life and I loved him so very dearly. It's hard for me to see how he could be fine one day and not the next!!! I am struggling so hard with this and the fact that he is not here with me anymore!! I love you baby Jasper and Mommy will love you forever!

Dear Jaspersmommy

I send my heartfelt condolences for the physical loss of your beautiful little boy, Jasper. As you say so wonderfully, your love for him, was and always is, endless. Please take comfort in that. He will always be in your heart and soul, and he would not want his beloved Mommy to suffer. The heartache I know is unbearable, but try and remember the happy times and all that you have shared and the joy will come back into your heart, eventually. Just give yourself time, and grieve as you must. This forum was a godsend to me, and I am sure that the great people on here will give you all the help and support possible.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

Dear Jaspersmommy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Jasper. This grief journey is not easy, but it does gradually get a little better and we start dwelling on the funny and cute things our soulmates did. But I still get tears every day.

Yes, you did the right thing for little Jasper, he was suffering. My little Mickey died of heart failure 3 months ago. His heart meds had stopped working and his little tongue was bluish color. I knew he wasn't getting enough oxygen the day he had a seizure and his little heart stopped. He was having a pretty good day that day so I was surprised that he went so soon. But the vet said that was normal to have a bad day and then a good day.

We buried him like you did little Jasper. We put him in his little soft bed in a heavy duty plastic container, covered him with a little quilt and put in his favorite things. He is in our flower garden where we can look out the kitchen window and look at it.

Jaspersmommy, again I am so sorry for your loss. Jasper is such a handsome and cute dog. My thoughts and prayers are with you always...God Bless you and your family.

LoveMyMickey

Hello Jasper's mom

I'd like to join my voice to the lovely people who have wished you sincere condolences on the passing of your Jasper. You did EXACTLY the right thing. Just standing in one place, not able to move, and gasping for breath - you KNEW - and it was right. My Gretta crashed in one day, too. I held her in my arms and then she was gone.

You did the bravest and most loving this there is - you released Baby Jasper from his suffering. YOu made the ultimate sacrifice because you love him. He's in a perfect world - warm, well-fed, lots of fresh air, fun, many companions AND he can still see and hear you. He guided you while he was on earth here and he's guiding you now.

While you're making and carrying out the decision, you run on adrenaline - what else, when your heart is screaming? The the heart-shredding grief hits you like a freight train, followed by all those "firsts without." I was almost knocked to my knees the first time I opened the door and didn't see Gretta's face. Even now I cry when I write about her. But as our lovely forum friend Moonbeam says, the hole in your heart will never go away completely because they have taken a piece with them - and left a piece of theirs with us.

No words can console you right now, but we are always here for you. We know and we care. Rest, breathe, sleep, clean. or curl up in a ball and weep ... what ever feels right to you IS right. If you find yourself doing things other people woudl think were a sure sign of craziness, don't worry. Go ahead as do them. For as long as they help.

My heart is with you, Jasper's mom. Blessing are coming your way.

Gretta's mom

Hi, Jaspersmommy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Jasper. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be released from their failing, painful physical bodies and be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Our dear forum friends Jan, LoveMyMickey, and Gretta have offered you the most comforting words that I could ever hope to say, so please read them frequently. I know right now there are no words in any language that can soothe the seering pain in your heart. Just please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are feeling and are going through, and we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief journey for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Jasper with us, and for the wonderful pictures of him. Hopefully in time as your deep grief eases your heart will "know" beyond all shadow of a doubt that you did the very best thing for your precious Jasper. "Second guessing" is a part of this grief journey, unfortunately - - particularly during the deep grief. It's part of the process of adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions, and it is a painful process both physically and emotionally. I assure you, Jaspersmommy, that your precious Jasper is eternally grateful to you for releasing him from his physical body so that his Living Spirit can now forever continue to be a part of your earthly journey - - for he is always with you wherever you go and whatever you do - - he is always a heartbeat close to you.

Jaspersmommy, I hope today is being kind to you, and that you will have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Jaspersmommy,

Your words broke my heart and brought me to tears. Your story is so similar to my Abby's. I lost her on May 4th and though she passed away in my arms at home, I was going to have her put down that very day (she went naturally and peacefully on her own early that morning). My heart has been ripped from my body ever since and I have also had many moments when I wondered if I'd done enough. We'd been to the vet a week earlier and knew it was bad but she wasn't in pain and at 16 1/2 years old, I decided to treat her symptons at the vet's urging. They were very subtle but now I see they were urging me to allow nature to take its course. Though I didn't know it at the time, I really DID know it was the end. I drove her 14 hours to my mom's house since I'd planned a week down there for my b-day. I thank God to this day that it happened the way it did because I needed my mom so much those first couple of days. On her last night with me I put her in in my bed on top of her little bed (because she was very prone to accidents) and she put her little head on my shoulder just as she'd always done when she slept with me and I held her like that all night. About 730am she woke me, and together we spent our last 15 minutes together. She went peacefully and in my arms and it was the most gut-wrenching thing that I have ever endured.

This Wednesday will be one month and though I'm still pretty far into the deep grief cycle, I'm finding a way to cope with this new reality. It actually does get a little easier everyday and this site is a big reason for that.

Your pics of Jasper are so darn cute. I can soooo see how easy he was to love and can only imagine all the love he gave you in return. Like you, my Abby helped me through some dark days, like losing my father.

You'll never get over this loss but you will find a way to exist and find peace and happiness again. We're all here for you and my heart sends you much love and the hope that you'll find some peace very soon.

Take care,
Abby's Mom

Hello Jasper's mommy

What a great little dog! He does have pointy ears. In the picture he looks like he's the captain of a ship that's sailing into the wind. Amazing!

How are you doing? Your Jasper is watching over you just like before. Isn't it amazing how much love can be bundled into a small package. his heart is a big as the universe. In proportion as we love them - and millions of time more than that, as they love us, our hearts are now crushed by not being able to see or hear or touch them - but it's only for a time.

Jasper is in the perfect world - where he's safe, warm, well-fed and happy. Love is forever - and that MEANS forever. Your special soul-animal is here, nearby. You just can't see him. Moonbeam once wrote that the hole in our hearts never goes away because they took a small part of it with them and left a piece of theirs with us.

I hope in these sad days, you can find moments of relief, maybe even peace. That's what your Jasper wants for you - and he's the boss, remember? :)

Here and caring,

Gretta's mom

Good morning Jasper's mom

Here's a not just to tell you I'm thinking about you and sending some care your way. "He gave me more than I ever gave him. My love for him was and is endless!" Such an accurate description of those rare people who have been found, accepted, loved and been loved by their special spirit animal. It's a rare experience, full of joy and blessing and then full of pain and sorrow. Never forget that love IS endless - that means forever. Your love for each other will go on intul the end of time. It can't be otherwise because you are two parts of the same being. One thing I do to remind myself of that is try not to use the past tense (like "loved") when I think or talk about me Gretta-girl. Just a silly thing but it helps a little. It reminds me that Gretta and your Jasper ARE still somewhere even though we can't see them. And one day we two halves will come together again, this time never to be parted.

"Every vet that ever saw him would say what nice dog he was." That's a testament to Jasper's soul. Many people who saw Gretta said she was kind. Like "nice", kind is something you usually have to DO to demonstrate. Gretts and Jasper's brilliant qualities shone so brightly that people could see them just by looking at them. What a great little dog, your Jasper.

Here's ane-hug to you and a wish for at least some moments of relief today.

Gretta's mom

Dear Jaspersmom,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. How I wish I could do something to ease it for you. I can only imagine what a big, gaping hole that precious little dog's absence has made in your world. They seem like such little creatures, but then when they are gone, we realize that they were actually giants, filling the place up in a million ways that we mostly didn't notice! And so we hurt in a million ways when they aren't with us anymore.
The description of the journey through (and with) the grief as a roller-coaster is so very apt. My recent loss has miraculously (it feels) been turned back into presence (thank God), but I know from losing my Katie-Bell, and old Rama years ago that you keep feeling, over and over again, the bitter rawness of the pain, the wrenching in the gut, and the hopelessness that life will ever be okay again. And just when you think you feel the tiniest bit better, sort of, maybe.... in it rushes again. And it is 'normal' for it to be this way, but how could it possibly be normal when it is so terrible.
Know that you aren't alone in your grief; you really aren't. So many know the feeling and care deeply, and are thinking of you and loving Jasper with you, even, because he was obviously very special (still is!) and it is all our delight to enjoy loving these wonderful creatures that exist with us. Thanks for sharing about Jasper - your description brought more than a few smiles (through tears) as I caught a glimpse of what a little character he was!
You are in my prayers today,
Hol

Good morning, Jaspers mom,

Another little good wish for you today. And today please give me some of your burden - I'm farther along this grief road than you are and I have a little (not much, but a little) strength to spare so please let me carry a little of the load for you today. Think of Jasper when you have a tiny moment of relief and peace - even if it's through tears, 'cuz tears don't always hurt like a knife, sometimes they're sad and remind-ful at the same time.

Jasper is a very special spirit animal - you can tell that by looking at his picture. What a tremendous soul packed into that little body. He loves you and is watching over you today and every day - and it's hard, hard, hard for us still on earth not begin able to see, hear or touch our babies. But we WILL make it - by sticking together and lifting each other up.

Have a peaceful day.

Gretta's mom