First time here, coping with the death of a loved friend again. Some may consider it crazy but I had four cats. Two at fourteen years old Sebastian and Tilley. We had since they were both tiny kittens. The other two we have had for seven years, a mother cat and kitten Mishka and Bindy, we rescued from a storm drain where they lived quite wild.

Last September three weeks before i was due to have my first child my beloved fourteen year old cat Sebastian went into kidney failure. I nursed him for almost two weeks until I had to take him to the vet to give him peace. Although with no time to grieve as my daughter was born soon after. I had had him since he was 3 weeks old and felt so close to him, he had the personality of a faithful dog. This March his fourteen year companion Tilley became ill very quickly. She was diagnosed with Feline Aids and Toxoplasmosis. Now with my six month old daughter and quite exhausted from a lack of sleep I cared for Tilley and made her comfortable at home. She slipt away quietly without pain after almost two weeks of feeding her all her favourite things and keeping her warm and peaceful.

The thing I have found about being a new mum is that no matter what happens your baby has to come first. Although by now my heart had been so crushed by the loss of my two old friends. Life had to continue and my daughter is now a beautiful lively and bubbly eight months old. She even has her own distinct baby word for cat.

Now the unthinkable has happened again. I am in shock and completely shattered. My beautiful brave and loving mother cat Mishka has been hit by a car this past weekend. Leaving her adult kitten crying continuously and spending her days searching for her mother. I am unable to deal with this loss as I did with my other two cats. I feel a constant tightness in my chest and cry at the drop of a hat. I think that there must be a limit of how much loss and grief I can cope with. It just seems so cruel, she was such a healthy beautiful and good natured creature. She had overcome such a harsh start to life as a wild cat raising her kittens in a drain. To become a most gentle and lovely house cat who truly apreciated the life she had with us.

I am not sure exactly how to help Bindy through this time of loss or even how long a cat grieves for. It hurts so much to hear her crying at night, I am finding myself staying up at night to comfort her just to help her to get some sleep. I have thought that she would need a companion eventually but I cant bring myself to think about another cat at this point. Bindy has been raised with her mother always close and the two other cats in the house. I'm not sure if she is able to adjust to being a single cat in the house. Although I'm not sure if I can go through this grief again.

In grief, Tosh

Hi, Tosh, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in your losses of Sebastian, Tilley, and Mishka. Multiple losses, regardless of the circumstances, are particularly devastating. I am so very sorry.

Tosh, what you are experiencing is very normal for multiple losses in a short period of time. Not only are you having to endure the grief journey of your precious three companions - - which is physically and emotionally exhausting all by itself - - but you are also going through a tremendous adjustment in being a mum to your precious daughter - - which can also be physically and emotionally exhausting. Added to this you have a grieving cat who is used to having other fur family members for comfort and support. I do understand how painful it is for you to hear your little Bindy crying for her mother and other adopted siblings. My Noah is a "sole survivor" in a household that used to have four furkids, and it has been tremendously painful for me to watch him go through the painful adjustment of just having me now as his family.

Yes, cats do grieve. When my number one kitty son Eli joined the angels in December 2006 my little Noah grieved openly for almost 2.5 years. There are times when he still goes upstairs and calls for Eli just as he used to when Eli was physically with us. Noah slept on Eli's comforter for close to 2.5 years before he finally "abandoned" it. And I waited several weeks longer to make sure he no longer returned to Eli's comforter before I finally washed it. It has only been close to 1.5 years since his big doggy brother Oslo joined the angels, and a little over 14 months since his sibling sister Abbygayle joined the angels. The transition to being an "only furchild" has been hard for my little Noah. As long as your little Bindy is eating her food okay and is taking care of her personal needs properly, the only thing you can do for her is try to give her some extra love and attention and reassurance that she is loved and that everything will be okay. And you may notice that as you're comforting your little Bindy you will also feel some comfort as well. Noah was never a cuddles boy with me while he had his other fur family members, but now Noah and I are closer than ever, and he is now my little cuddles - - which I deeply cherish.

Tosh, this is a very traumatic experience you are going through, and what you are feeling is very normal. Sometimes it helps just to know that what we are feeling is normal - - that we really aren't losing our minds. One of the things that is helpful in processing the stress of grief is sharing what is in your heart with others who truly understand what you are going through. And I am so very glad you have honored us with sharing the grief you are feeling in your losses of Sebastian, Tilley, and Mishka. Perhaps sometime you would feel up to sharing pictures of your precious companions - - if you would like to do so.

Tosh, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, and it is particularly hard to grieve when you have a very active daughter and family to take care of. Others need your care and attention, and finding the time to allow your heart to grieve the losses of your beloved furkids is very hard, if not impossible. But I urge you to try to find some "down" time so that you can let your heart grieve. It's important for your health to do this, for grief when it is suppressed can sometimes lead to other health challenges.

One of the many things to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Tosh, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Tosh,

I am so heartbroken for you as I read your post through tears. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious cats.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.....God Bless you and your family.


LoveMyMickey

Dear Tosh,

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the conflicting emotions and pain you must be going through. It's not weird at all that you had 4 cats. From your story you sound like a really compassionate person and you saved two cats from abjection and despair.

A new daughter and grieving pet are a lot to deal with, and moon_beam is right, you also need to grieve yourself. I don't want to tell you what to do or sound condescending (I'm still figuring out how to cope with grief myself) but at least I can say this: your daughter and even Bindy represent the future, and you (and Bindy) carry with you all the love, memories and lessons of your departed loved ones. While the grieving process is difficult and imprecise, there is a way forward -and you have so much love to give. In a way, focusing your love and attention on your daughter and helping Bindy are ways to honor your furry friends' memories. And Sebastian, Tilley and Mishka will be looking down on you, happy and blessed, helping you every step of the way. In the meantime, you are not alone. We understand the pain you feel, and we will all be here to help you whenever you need it.

My deepest symathies,

-Lana

Moon_beam, LoveMyMickey and Lana,
Thankyou from my heart, I cried out loud reading your words but I know that I need to. I have come to realise that I am not feeling more for my most recently lost friend Mishka but that I am finally going through the loss of all three of my friends at once. As previously I had not allowed myself, I felt that I had to be stronger and push it aside to care for my baby. Which is probably true as that took all my strength in itself.
Bindy has started coming home to check in with me today instead of spending all day out searching for her mum. Moon_beam, like Noah she was never a cuddles cat. This was partly due to her being born and raised wild as a young cat and partly because she always had her mum for cuddles and reasurance. She now comes in and meows to me as she comes to me for some comfort even though she still spends most of her time searching for Mishka.

Thankyou for your caring and support. I will be taking this one moment at a time and although I cant yet see the end to this pain. I know that I have to make room for it as I sit here and watch my daughter trying to crawl.

Being able to share my grief on this board is of great comfort to me. Knowing that you understand and have all been through this and are still going through this pain really helps me feel less alone in all of this.

Thankyou for your kindness.
tosh

Tosh,

I can see why you feel shattered...so many losses in such a short time. This would be a lot, even without the exhaustion of caring for a baby. So much to process so quickly. So many emotions wrapped up together with all of the little ones you love, both your cats and your baby. You sound like such a nurturing person. I imagine it is hard to hear Bindy crying for her mother without her allowing your comfort to fully soothe her. I know it would be for me.

I think you are wise to try to make room for the pain, even as you can't see the end of it yet. At the advice of many wise friends, this is exactly what I am trying to do at this time too as I just put our dog of 12 years down on Saturday. Allowing myself to completely feel the impact of the loss is brutal at times, but I think there is wisdom here.

You are not alone.

Michelle

Hi, Tosh, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. "Being able to share my grief on this board is of great comfort to me. Knowing that you understand and have all been through this and are still going through this pain really helps me feel less alone in all of this."

Tosh, we are here for each other. Here in this forum we can share what is in our hearts, the deepest grief that consumes our hearts and has no place else to allow the pain to be expressed. Here in this form there is no need for a "public face", and there are no judgments. Here in this forum we are among friends. Even though we do not "know" each other through face to face introductions, we share the deepest friendship we can ever know through our beloved companions - - and when we meet each other at our appropriate times standing beside our beloved companions in heaven's perfect garden there will be no need for introductions - - for we will truly already know each other - - for our hearts have already met here in this wonderful forum.

Tosh, as you watch your precious daughter grow and your furchild Bindy reaches out to you for comfort and encouragement and reassurance that she is loved and safe, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Tosh,

Please accept my deepest condolences on you losses over the past months. You poor little thing. You've had a lot of major life events transpiring in a very short period of time. And please accept my heartfelt congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter! Tosh, it's no wonder you're in such a state. Anyone would be, just from all the losses you've had to endure in such a short period of time. Add on the hormonal changes from pregnancy and childbirth and for good measure, take away most of your sleep, which is normal during a child's first year, and you've got a person who's being pushed to their absolute limits. You've had to endure more loss than anyone should have to contend with in such a short period of time, you don't have the luxury of grieving becasue your main focus must be on your new daughter. It's a wonder you're able to stay pulled together at all and I give you all the credit in the world for doing so well.

I am sorry that you have not had the luxury to grieve for your losses and for having to release so many loved ones so quickly. I know your heart must be broken and I wish I could find words that would help ease your pain. If you don't mind a suggestion? Is it possible to have someone take your daughter for the weekend, or even just 1 night so you can catch up a little on your sleep and have the time to grieve a little, without having to feel guilty about taking a little time for yourself? I know from experience that sleep deprivation only makes things more difficult and the grief is even more overwhelming (if that's even possible).

Please know that you and your family (human and animal) are in my prayers. I hope the pain in your heart eases soon and I hope you are able to get a little time in which to allow the tears to fall and release some of your grief. Please know that we are here for you whenever you need a shoulder to lean or cry on or just someoen to listen and offer support.

Big hug to you and again, congratulations on the birth of your daughter!

Peggy (the human)

Thanks Peggy,
I found that by being able to comfort and care for my cats daughter Bindy, I didn't feel so helpless. The pain of losing her mother, Mishka is still so raw for both of us. She still spends alot of time crying and searching. I take some strength from having to not only focus on looking after my baby daughter but my cats grieving daughter too.

I however am left wondering how much the universe has decided to throw at me this month as both my baby daughter and I have now come down with chicken pox. Just when I thought I had reached my limit. Or is it just a way of forcing me to focus elsewhere and not stay in that painful place too long.

Either way we all have a very painfull journey to go through. I find it amazing how life seems to kick me in the behind having no sympathy for my broken heart. Just to tell me that I will have to feel my loss but also need to look beyond the grief at the same time and keep on going.

I hope you are well and the sun is shining where you are, thankyou for caring.
tosh

Dear Tosh,

I guess we are in the same horrible boat. Crushing pain and horrible empty lost, and pain for what your other cat is going through. And caring for a baby. So terrible, I'm so, so sorry. They were with you for so long, Sebastian and Tilley. My MIttens is the one who is gone, and she left her sister behind, whose name is Tilly. Strange, huh? Both my other cats, Tilly and MIssy, seem just as much at a loss as me, so I can imagine how horrible it is to watch your kitten grieve on top of your own pain. It's too much, isn't it. I'm so sorry.

It sounds like you are a wonderful cat-mom, your cats were very lucky to have you, and Bindy is fortunate to have someone realize that he is hurting, too. Don't underestimate how effective your comforting of Bindy is. He soaks it up and he will heal, too, as time passes. Bless his little heart.

I'm taking one minute at a time, literally. You probably already know how to do that, though. You must have done it successfully when your other kitties passed away, and maybe that is the very thing he can't seem to do again. My heart aches for you - that is too much pain. Thank goodness for your beautiful baby who can at least distract you a little bit and bring you some small smiles. What is her little word for cat? Is it spellable?

I will pray for you, too, as I pray for myself and the others. Hang in there, and I will, too, even though it seems pointless when the pain is so deep. Talk to you later...

Hol

Hello Tosh

I am SO sorry for the passing of your three beautiful cats. You truly have had too much to bear during the past year. From your writing I can tell that you are a born mom. To your cat-child as well as your human child. How else could you so correctly interpret her crying as crying and her searching as searching. No one else but a soul-mate could do that. And lucky kitty ... she has two moms ... one in the Perfect World and one here on earth. You are a wise woman, too, to realize that no matter how searing the pain, it has to be made room for ... or it will make room for itself when you're least prepared. I think you're a mother-soul ... a mother throught the ages, since the beginning and will be a mother until the world ends. Only a mother realizes the infinite joy that is ... and the deep sorrow. You are on brave woman. Please accept a cyber-hug from .... Gretta's mom

Thankyou for your kind words Grettas Mom.
My focus was thrown a curve ball again two days ago when Bindy dissapeared. She always stays in the house at night and lately after spending the day outside has returned around dinner time each night. As it is below 0 here at night at the moment she has been coming in fairly early . So when she didn't come home I knew that something was wrong and feared the worse. Mostly because she has been spending so much time out doors searching for her mother. I just refused to believe that life could be that cruel. Though, as the next day went by and into the next night I began to resign myself to what must have happened. I searched all the roads in my area and asked all the neighbours, but nothing. Then to my shear joy as bold as anything in she came late this evening as though all was just fine. I don't know where she got to but I am so glad that she is home again.

Your Gretta sounded like a true kindred friend to you, what a wonderful bond to have shared. My old friend of 18 years, Kai 'the wonder dog' passed on three years ago. I had to make the hardest decision of my life in taking her in to the vet that last time. I am still unable to look at her photos and will miss her forever. I was there as she was born and at the end. I find some help in remembering her happy days like after unwapping christmas gifts every year. It had become family tradition to make a pile of wrapping paper in the middle of the room and then to put Kai right in the middle. There she would go into a joyfilled frenzy of tearing each piece of paper into tiny pieces. If she found one larger than a post it note she would continue until her recycling job was complete. I loved seeing that joy in her.

I truly feel your pain with lovely Gretta. It gives me a little warmth to imagine Kai where ever she is with her body young and healthy again with absolute joy still tearing up wrapping paper and fetching endless tennis balls with the biggest food bowl that is perpetually full. I must stop here as my emotions and tears are still raw, but I am glad that for a moment I am able to smile and think of her.

Feel the sun on your back and remember the joy and love that your Gretta had with you.
tosh

Hi, Tosh, so glad to know that your precious Bindy is back home safe and sound. It is very distressing when our furkids go "exploring" and don't leave us a note to let us know where they're going. They can't carry cell phones to check in with us or call us to come get them because their friends have been drinking and can't drive them home. Hmm, wonder if there are GPS chips - - - like ID chips - - or tags - - available for furkids.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tosh. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam