In February I found this forum while grieving my lost cat, Finn. I ended up writing a much too long essay, detailing the first seven days of this horrid journey of loss and anger and grief and (fill in the blank with your own feelings..I felt them all).
In that essay I gave some insights into my life with my four cats. I now have two. I lost Finn on Feb 21 and then my boy Linc was taken from me by a coyote on April 4. I had posted a lot about Finn because I was going insane with grief. By April I was doing better and only a few days before Linc died, I told the forum that I needed a break from posting not only about my own grief, but that I needed to focus on myself--I found myself wanting to help others so I offered posts to try and help, if only to let others know they weren't alone. It was draining.
Shortly after I wrote that I would be taking a break, Linc was taken from me--two beloved friends in a six week timeframe. The day Linc was taken, I actually wrote a very angry ranting post here. My anger wasn't directed at this forum, mind you, but at the Fates, the gods, the !$!$%! crappy luck ...and all the why again why Linc (who had really started filling the void that Finn left). It was so angry and I was crying and frustrated and frankly full of hate (hate at who or what I didn't know)... I was just so angry that it happened again. I deleted it after a few minutes of thought..knowing that my angry rant would not be constructive to those who didn't know of me and who may have just lost their own furball. I haven't posted since.
The two deaths were very different. Both were stolen from me...one a car accident, one a coyote. But the relationships I had with the two were different. With Finn I had (and still have) inconsolable grief. He was my child. With Linc, he was my friend..my little friend that became my new garden cat, that always wanted to be near me to get pets and slept with me on my legs every night. One made me grieve. One more made me want to give up on life because it's so unfair.
I don't know what I am writing here..or why.. I'm just finding myself sitting here as yet another wave of grief hits me. I find myself trying to give them 'equal time' but I can't help but miss Finn more. But then I feel guility about Linc because I so loved him too.
I'm okay. I really am. There are just these days sometimes now that just hit me so hard and my heart feels like it's pouring out of my chest, I'm so sad. I miss my boys. I miss my babies. I want them back now!
Thank god I have my other two, who I love deeply. But now I live in constant fear of which one will be taken from me next. This is just horrid.
I feed my cats treats every day at around 4pm. A couple weeks before Finn died, I broke on of their dishes. A week before Linc died, I broke another. Both were silly accidents. Yesterday as I was drying one of the last two of the four matching dishes, it slipped out of my hands. One dish left. This has put me in a tailspin.
Connie
Full Version: Still Grieving Finn And Now Linc
and to just be more narcissitic...
I need to confess.
I never let my cats outside until the coyotes have bedded down. I let Linc out at 9:30 am, a safe time. But....
The day he was taken, I was sitting in the living room. I heard some little noise outside. I looked outside to make sure Linc was okay and I saw him by the van and he was running away like he was chasing a critter, like he does. He was okay so I went back to my computer. I forgot the fact that my husband left a smoking pork shoulder in the smoker all night.
Linc didn't come in like he does after about 15 min. I walked around the yard looking for him because it was cold out and he usually came in every 10 min or so to warm up. No Linc.
A hour later our neighbor texted my husband saying he saw a coyote with a black cat in his mouth heading for the woods. So....we attracted that coyote with our pork shoulder, and what I thought was Linc chasing a critter, was him, probably running for his life. This will haunt me till the end of my days. I should have gotten off my lazy ass when I heard that 'noise' and investigated. I could have saved him. Oh why didn't he run to the door instead of the back lot. I hate myself over and over again for all these errors.
Since they both died, I've dreamed a lot. Finn shows up a lot in my dreams and in them I know he is gone and I tell myself he is gone but I pet him and love him and know I'm saying goodbye. Linc shows up too. It's so weird that in my dreams I know both are gone so I just pet them both a lot and enjoy the moments I have... it feels so real. I wonder if others are visited by their furballs in sleep in this way.
I need to confess.
I never let my cats outside until the coyotes have bedded down. I let Linc out at 9:30 am, a safe time. But....
The day he was taken, I was sitting in the living room. I heard some little noise outside. I looked outside to make sure Linc was okay and I saw him by the van and he was running away like he was chasing a critter, like he does. He was okay so I went back to my computer. I forgot the fact that my husband left a smoking pork shoulder in the smoker all night.
Linc didn't come in like he does after about 15 min. I walked around the yard looking for him because it was cold out and he usually came in every 10 min or so to warm up. No Linc.
A hour later our neighbor texted my husband saying he saw a coyote with a black cat in his mouth heading for the woods. So....we attracted that coyote with our pork shoulder, and what I thought was Linc chasing a critter, was him, probably running for his life. This will haunt me till the end of my days. I should have gotten off my lazy ass when I heard that 'noise' and investigated. I could have saved him. Oh why didn't he run to the door instead of the back lot. I hate myself over and over again for all these errors.
Since they both died, I've dreamed a lot. Finn shows up a lot in my dreams and in them I know he is gone and I tell myself he is gone but I pet him and love him and know I'm saying goodbye. Linc shows up too. It's so weird that in my dreams I know both are gone so I just pet them both a lot and enjoy the moments I have... it feels so real. I wonder if others are visited by their furballs in sleep in this way.
Hi, Connie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief journey is often referred to as a horror roller coaster ride, very unpredictable. Just when you think you're past the really hard stuff, something comes along that can send us to our knees as though it's the first minute of realization that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us.
Connie, if the coyote was on your property - - if your precious Linc was running from the coyote - - the LAST thing you could have done - - should have done - - was confront that coyote. Even if it didn't already have Linc, your interference could very well have ended up with YOU as his target. Linc may have gotten away - - temporarily - - but not for very long, and YOU would have ended up with - - ????? So please try to release the guilt you have about not "investigating" further. Unless you were able to kill that coyote on sight your interference would have met with a fierce fight - - and not a "happy" ending.
It is not unusual to have dreams of our beloved companions once they have joined the angels. I firmly believe it is one of their ways of letting us know they are okay and that their love for us is no longer bound by the physical laws of time and space. I hope you find these dreams comforting, Connie.
Connie, losing two beloved companions in a very short period of time and to tragic events is very traumatic. I'm not sure there is a significance about your breaking another dish, although I can certainly relate to your fear about "which one will be taken from me next." I only have Noah now as my sole survivor of a household that used to have four furkids. He is now 8 years old - - he has 'beat" the 6-year old death sentence which his adopted big kitty brother Eli and his sibling baby sister Abbygayle did not escape. Still I find myself wondering if he will still be with me this time next year - - as each month comes and goes - - I feel it is a "victory" of still having him with me.
Connie, we are not given the privilege of foreknowlege as to "what will happen" -- so this is why we must treasure every moment of every hour of every day that we have with our beloved companions. It is not narcissitic to reflect on events that have happened, that have resulted in very tragic losses. It is normal grieving, deep grief, heart breaking grief, that makes us reflect on everything and makes us wonder "what if".
Connie, I am so glad you have shared with us how you're doing. Please know you are not alone in your grief journey, and there are no judgments made here. I hope somehow you will find comfort and encouragement in the words I have written to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Connie, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Connie, if the coyote was on your property - - if your precious Linc was running from the coyote - - the LAST thing you could have done - - should have done - - was confront that coyote. Even if it didn't already have Linc, your interference could very well have ended up with YOU as his target. Linc may have gotten away - - temporarily - - but not for very long, and YOU would have ended up with - - ????? So please try to release the guilt you have about not "investigating" further. Unless you were able to kill that coyote on sight your interference would have met with a fierce fight - - and not a "happy" ending.
It is not unusual to have dreams of our beloved companions once they have joined the angels. I firmly believe it is one of their ways of letting us know they are okay and that their love for us is no longer bound by the physical laws of time and space. I hope you find these dreams comforting, Connie.
Connie, losing two beloved companions in a very short period of time and to tragic events is very traumatic. I'm not sure there is a significance about your breaking another dish, although I can certainly relate to your fear about "which one will be taken from me next." I only have Noah now as my sole survivor of a household that used to have four furkids. He is now 8 years old - - he has 'beat" the 6-year old death sentence which his adopted big kitty brother Eli and his sibling baby sister Abbygayle did not escape. Still I find myself wondering if he will still be with me this time next year - - as each month comes and goes - - I feel it is a "victory" of still having him with me.
Connie, we are not given the privilege of foreknowlege as to "what will happen" -- so this is why we must treasure every moment of every hour of every day that we have with our beloved companions. It is not narcissitic to reflect on events that have happened, that have resulted in very tragic losses. It is normal grieving, deep grief, heart breaking grief, that makes us reflect on everything and makes us wonder "what if".
Connie, I am so glad you have shared with us how you're doing. Please know you are not alone in your grief journey, and there are no judgments made here. I hope somehow you will find comfort and encouragement in the words I have written to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Connie, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Dear Connie,
My heart absolutely aches for you after hearing of the loss of Linc, so close after your precious Finn. Please, do not, feel guilty about what you're feeling. It's okay to be angry at the world, at God, at life -- it's okay to rant, to scream, to pound the walls. You have every right to feel these things. You're going through Hell right now, and none of it makes sense, and none of it is fair. It's important that whatever it is you're feeling, you let it all out. If you try to keep it all inside it will fester and make things a hundred times worse.
We're here for you, Connie. Whatever you need to say, or whatever you need to 'rant' about, we're here to listen -- and we won't judge you. Instead, we'll hurt with you and for you. It's important that you understand that you're not alone.
Again, you shouldn't feel guilty for 'missing Finn more'. We love all our companions equally for their own unique qualities, but some of them we connect with on a whole other level. These are our 'soul animals'. This is nothing to feel shame, or guilt over, it's beyond our control. Another thing we cannot control is when it's our companions time to join the angels. We can always wreck our heads with thoughts of, "If only I'd have done this..." but we can't control everything our companions do and we can't watch them 24/7. We certaintly can't go back in time and change the past. All we can do is love them with all our heart and soul. And this you did.
I do believe that Finn and Linc have been visiting you in dreams to reassure you that they are still with you. They will always be with you, Connie. Nothing or nobody can take away the memories and the love. They are yours to keep and to cherish until it's your appropriate time to be reunited with your boys.
Please know that you're in my thoughts and I hope you can find the strength to return and let us know how you're doing.
Take care of yourself,
Cheryl xx
My heart absolutely aches for you after hearing of the loss of Linc, so close after your precious Finn. Please, do not, feel guilty about what you're feeling. It's okay to be angry at the world, at God, at life -- it's okay to rant, to scream, to pound the walls. You have every right to feel these things. You're going through Hell right now, and none of it makes sense, and none of it is fair. It's important that whatever it is you're feeling, you let it all out. If you try to keep it all inside it will fester and make things a hundred times worse.
We're here for you, Connie. Whatever you need to say, or whatever you need to 'rant' about, we're here to listen -- and we won't judge you. Instead, we'll hurt with you and for you. It's important that you understand that you're not alone.
Again, you shouldn't feel guilty for 'missing Finn more'. We love all our companions equally for their own unique qualities, but some of them we connect with on a whole other level. These are our 'soul animals'. This is nothing to feel shame, or guilt over, it's beyond our control. Another thing we cannot control is when it's our companions time to join the angels. We can always wreck our heads with thoughts of, "If only I'd have done this..." but we can't control everything our companions do and we can't watch them 24/7. We certaintly can't go back in time and change the past. All we can do is love them with all our heart and soul. And this you did.
I do believe that Finn and Linc have been visiting you in dreams to reassure you that they are still with you. They will always be with you, Connie. Nothing or nobody can take away the memories and the love. They are yours to keep and to cherish until it's your appropriate time to be reunited with your boys.
Please know that you're in my thoughts and I hope you can find the strength to return and let us know how you're doing.
Take care of yourself,
Cheryl xx
Dear Connie,
Please accept my deepest, heartfelt condolences on the loss of Linc. I am stunned to read of yet another tragedy befalling you and your precious animals, and in so short a period of time. I sit here in tears and a heart that is breaking for your pain. I echo everything our sweet and compassionate Moon_Beam and Cheryl said to you. Please try to release any guilt you have about your feelings. Animals, like people, have their own personalities and we bond in different ways with each of them. I know the relationship I had with my Peggy was different than any I had ever experienced before. I loved all my (former) pets but Peggy was special. You should not feel guilty because you were so in-synch with Finn that you developed a deeper emotional bond. Please know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending you mental hugs of comfort. I truly wish there were a way I could undo the events that have so injured your poor heart.
I hesitate to suggest this but if you don’t mind, I would like to suggest a possible scenario that may have taken place. We also have coyotes where I live and I’ve seen them on the prowl. I think it’s possible that when you looked out the window and saw Linc running, he may well have been hunting and not running from the coyote. His hunting exercise may have actually placed him in a position where the coyote was able to ambush him, because he was so focused on his target that he didn’t realize there was a predator in the area. Cats are usually pretty wise about using trees and jumping to high perches to escape predators like dogs and coyotes. It’s not often that I’ve seen a cat rely entirely on his speed to escape a dog. Usually, they have a burst of speed and head directly toward the nearest tree (or highest perch they can jump up to). The coyotes know this and usually rely on the element of ambush/surprise when they decide they want to hunt a cat. The instances I know of where cats were killed by coyotes are when they were somehow cornered or ambushed. That time of day, it’s a little unusual (at least around my way) for a coyote to be willing to come into the open, especially so near a house and spend more than a few seconds chasing another animal. From what I’ve seen, they can be very aggressive but often their preference is to lay-in-wait and then take advantage of an opportunity when it comes along. I do think that if a coyote had been hot on Linc’s heels, you would have seen something. Since you didn’t, I suspect Linc was in hunting mode and accidentally ran into harms way. I don’t think you’re the type to not notice a fast moving object behind one of your cats. And it only takes a fraction of a second to see 2 animals if one is chasing the other. If the coyote was chasing him at that point and was so far behind that you didn’t see him, Linc had enough time to make it up a tree (there would have been a good amount of distance between them). Since he didn’t go up a tree, it sounds like there was no obvious coyote presence at that point. I may be overly simplifying the situation but based on what you told us, I feel this is a possible scenario and I’m hoping it rings true for you. You have more than your share of grief and pain right now and don’t need guilt of any kind on your plate. I honestly don’t think you missed anything when you looked out the window. I think you saw exactly what was there at that point and shortly after, Linc somehow encountered the coyote. You had no way to prevent this and had no way of knowing a coyote was close by. Please try to not beat yourself up about that. You poor little thing, you have enough pain to contend with right now. I just don’t want to see your extreme pain compounded by guilt.
Connie, please know you will remain in my thoughts (and prayers, if you don’t mind). I wish I could say something to help but there are just no words….. I am so, so sorry.
Please take care of yourself,
Peggy (the human)
P.S. I agree 100% with what Cheryl said about writing anything you want or need to write in order to help get out some of your pain. We understand and we’re here for you.
Please accept my deepest, heartfelt condolences on the loss of Linc. I am stunned to read of yet another tragedy befalling you and your precious animals, and in so short a period of time. I sit here in tears and a heart that is breaking for your pain. I echo everything our sweet and compassionate Moon_Beam and Cheryl said to you. Please try to release any guilt you have about your feelings. Animals, like people, have their own personalities and we bond in different ways with each of them. I know the relationship I had with my Peggy was different than any I had ever experienced before. I loved all my (former) pets but Peggy was special. You should not feel guilty because you were so in-synch with Finn that you developed a deeper emotional bond. Please know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending you mental hugs of comfort. I truly wish there were a way I could undo the events that have so injured your poor heart.
I hesitate to suggest this but if you don’t mind, I would like to suggest a possible scenario that may have taken place. We also have coyotes where I live and I’ve seen them on the prowl. I think it’s possible that when you looked out the window and saw Linc running, he may well have been hunting and not running from the coyote. His hunting exercise may have actually placed him in a position where the coyote was able to ambush him, because he was so focused on his target that he didn’t realize there was a predator in the area. Cats are usually pretty wise about using trees and jumping to high perches to escape predators like dogs and coyotes. It’s not often that I’ve seen a cat rely entirely on his speed to escape a dog. Usually, they have a burst of speed and head directly toward the nearest tree (or highest perch they can jump up to). The coyotes know this and usually rely on the element of ambush/surprise when they decide they want to hunt a cat. The instances I know of where cats were killed by coyotes are when they were somehow cornered or ambushed. That time of day, it’s a little unusual (at least around my way) for a coyote to be willing to come into the open, especially so near a house and spend more than a few seconds chasing another animal. From what I’ve seen, they can be very aggressive but often their preference is to lay-in-wait and then take advantage of an opportunity when it comes along. I do think that if a coyote had been hot on Linc’s heels, you would have seen something. Since you didn’t, I suspect Linc was in hunting mode and accidentally ran into harms way. I don’t think you’re the type to not notice a fast moving object behind one of your cats. And it only takes a fraction of a second to see 2 animals if one is chasing the other. If the coyote was chasing him at that point and was so far behind that you didn’t see him, Linc had enough time to make it up a tree (there would have been a good amount of distance between them). Since he didn’t go up a tree, it sounds like there was no obvious coyote presence at that point. I may be overly simplifying the situation but based on what you told us, I feel this is a possible scenario and I’m hoping it rings true for you. You have more than your share of grief and pain right now and don’t need guilt of any kind on your plate. I honestly don’t think you missed anything when you looked out the window. I think you saw exactly what was there at that point and shortly after, Linc somehow encountered the coyote. You had no way to prevent this and had no way of knowing a coyote was close by. Please try to not beat yourself up about that. You poor little thing, you have enough pain to contend with right now. I just don’t want to see your extreme pain compounded by guilt.
Connie, please know you will remain in my thoughts (and prayers, if you don’t mind). I wish I could say something to help but there are just no words….. I am so, so sorry.
Please take care of yourself,
Peggy (the human)
P.S. I agree 100% with what Cheryl said about writing anything you want or need to write in order to help get out some of your pain. We understand and we’re here for you.
I can't believe how much comfort you two have given me. When I was here in Feb/Mar, I was sorta comforted but the grief was so strong I seriously could not be comforted. Then, what I received was a 'hug', a place to take the grief out of my head and put it to paper and mostly, a shared understanding of what we are all going or have gone through. I couldn't have gotten through Finn without this forum.
Your two replies this time have given me much needed and felt comfort. I feel relief.
I didn't post about Linc until now (it's been about 6 weeks) because this time my grief was filled with anger...no, rage. It's very strange to experience two types pet of grief so close in time. One can't help but compare. It's rather surreal. I was too angry to post about Linc. I was too angry to do anything. My poor husband..it was like PMS for a month times 100 in his eyes. I don't know why exactly Linc's death made me so angry. Maybe I hate the coyote. Maybe I hate god because he took two from me. I hated the weather. I'm glad I didn't post during that time. Some things should not be put to paper. Now that the rage is gone, I can move on through the waves that have become all too familiar.
There is one more thing I want to mention. There may be some who have read my plight may wonder why I let my cats out when there are these very risks in doing so. It's a valid question. I would prefer they stay in and cuddle with me all day long. But all of my cats came to me feral, wild and they all love the outdoors. Linc and Finn in particular really enjoyed their lives outside. They would play together, play with our squirrels (and yes they played with squirrels with nests in our yard and the squirrels would literally play with them--they all loved each other--I should dig out a video of them I took a while back to share).
I was as careful as I could be. I would not let them out until late morning. They would come in for their snack at 4pm and stayed in after that. I work at home so I would monitor them as much as I could which was easy because they never went far. I could almost always see them through our big picture windows that surround our living room and they came in every ten minutes for pets--they didn't tom cat around out of sight for hours on end.
I had to make a choice between imprisoning them inside forever or to let them live the fun adventurous life they wanted. I would still make the same choice and the millions of memories I have of them would not be nearly as rich and vibrant as those of them playing in our yard, 'helping' me work in the garden or little Finn with bee bites on his nose all summer because he just loved to catch bees, if I'd chosen imprisonment.
Thankfully, my two remaining cats Joey and Sean don't like to go outside much. Joey is fat and lazy and Sean is getting old. And Now, when I do let them out I am out with them watching them, stalking them like a shadow. They never run from me, especially Sean who either just eats grass or sits in a camp share in the sun. If I'm out with them they stay with me.
So I just needed to get that off my chest.
Thanks again for your words and thoughts, especially from you two. You both helped me greatly in the past and now again. I just wish I could find a way to repay you. I treasure the feeling of not having to deal with this all alone anymore.
Your two replies this time have given me much needed and felt comfort. I feel relief.
I didn't post about Linc until now (it's been about 6 weeks) because this time my grief was filled with anger...no, rage. It's very strange to experience two types pet of grief so close in time. One can't help but compare. It's rather surreal. I was too angry to post about Linc. I was too angry to do anything. My poor husband..it was like PMS for a month times 100 in his eyes. I don't know why exactly Linc's death made me so angry. Maybe I hate the coyote. Maybe I hate god because he took two from me. I hated the weather. I'm glad I didn't post during that time. Some things should not be put to paper. Now that the rage is gone, I can move on through the waves that have become all too familiar.
There is one more thing I want to mention. There may be some who have read my plight may wonder why I let my cats out when there are these very risks in doing so. It's a valid question. I would prefer they stay in and cuddle with me all day long. But all of my cats came to me feral, wild and they all love the outdoors. Linc and Finn in particular really enjoyed their lives outside. They would play together, play with our squirrels (and yes they played with squirrels with nests in our yard and the squirrels would literally play with them--they all loved each other--I should dig out a video of them I took a while back to share).
I was as careful as I could be. I would not let them out until late morning. They would come in for their snack at 4pm and stayed in after that. I work at home so I would monitor them as much as I could which was easy because they never went far. I could almost always see them through our big picture windows that surround our living room and they came in every ten minutes for pets--they didn't tom cat around out of sight for hours on end.
I had to make a choice between imprisoning them inside forever or to let them live the fun adventurous life they wanted. I would still make the same choice and the millions of memories I have of them would not be nearly as rich and vibrant as those of them playing in our yard, 'helping' me work in the garden or little Finn with bee bites on his nose all summer because he just loved to catch bees, if I'd chosen imprisonment.
Thankfully, my two remaining cats Joey and Sean don't like to go outside much. Joey is fat and lazy and Sean is getting old. And Now, when I do let them out I am out with them watching them, stalking them like a shadow. They never run from me, especially Sean who either just eats grass or sits in a camp share in the sun. If I'm out with them they stay with me.
So I just needed to get that off my chest.
Thanks again for your words and thoughts, especially from you two. You both helped me greatly in the past and now again. I just wish I could find a way to repay you. I treasure the feeling of not having to deal with this all alone anymore.
HI Peggy,
It seems we were writing at the same time. The end of my post referred to moonbeam and Cheryl. I hadn't seen your post yet.
Your insights about the coyote are welcome and valid. I too think that as I remember, Linc DIDN'T seem terrified. But he was still running and he was running away from the smoker. I know I know...I'm just going crazy with all the second guessing and you are very correct. Coyotes have evolved to be expert hunters and for whatever reason it was still awake and in a relatively residential area AND poor Linc just got unlucky. I just thank the gods I didn't actually see the coyote with Linc in his mouth. I'm still haunted by the memory of picking up little Finn off the street. I'm also grateful to my neighbor for letting me know what he saw so I don't have to wonder or half expect Linc to return some day. I'm the kind of person that needs facts, not hope, so I can grieve and move on. What really sucks is that Linc was really coming into his own here after losing Finn. He took up Finn's mantle and both my husband and I were really loving and cherishing him more. He was more interactive with us, more playful... Without Finn, he was the top dog and thoroughly enjoyed it. He was a sweet gentle creature that made constant eye contact with you and always wanted pets.
I really appreciated your post, and if you see mine I just posted, it's nice to have another person here who lives in these conditions and understands the environment. I hope you are doing better in your journey as well. As I recall, we lost both of our babies within a very short time of each other. We're in this together, baby!
Connie
It seems we were writing at the same time. The end of my post referred to moonbeam and Cheryl. I hadn't seen your post yet.
Your insights about the coyote are welcome and valid. I too think that as I remember, Linc DIDN'T seem terrified. But he was still running and he was running away from the smoker. I know I know...I'm just going crazy with all the second guessing and you are very correct. Coyotes have evolved to be expert hunters and for whatever reason it was still awake and in a relatively residential area AND poor Linc just got unlucky. I just thank the gods I didn't actually see the coyote with Linc in his mouth. I'm still haunted by the memory of picking up little Finn off the street. I'm also grateful to my neighbor for letting me know what he saw so I don't have to wonder or half expect Linc to return some day. I'm the kind of person that needs facts, not hope, so I can grieve and move on. What really sucks is that Linc was really coming into his own here after losing Finn. He took up Finn's mantle and both my husband and I were really loving and cherishing him more. He was more interactive with us, more playful... Without Finn, he was the top dog and thoroughly enjoyed it. He was a sweet gentle creature that made constant eye contact with you and always wanted pets.
I really appreciated your post, and if you see mine I just posted, it's nice to have another person here who lives in these conditions and understands the environment. I hope you are doing better in your journey as well. As I recall, we lost both of our babies within a very short time of each other. We're in this together, baby!
Connie
QUOTE (ConnieJ @ May 17 2011, 09:48 PM) 
Since they both died, I've dreamed a lot. Finn shows up a lot in my dreams and in them I know he is gone and I tell myself he is gone but I pet him and love him and know I'm saying goodbye. Linc shows up too. It's so weird that in my dreams I know both are gone so I just pet them both a lot and enjoy the moments I have... it feels so real. I wonder if others are visited by their furballs in sleep in this way.
Connie, my heart breaks for you reading your story. To lose two furkids suddenly and in such a traumatic way, I can barely imagine how hard it must be.
My childhood cat Timothy, was born when I was 3 and died at 18 in 1985, still visits me in my dreams from time to time - I feel like he is watching over me. I think your dream may be a way for them to let you know they are at peace, and at the same time remind you to just love your other two and cherish your time together.
Hugs,
Suzanne
Hi Connie,
I couldn't post yesterday but you were very much on my mind. I understand everything you're saying, including allowing the cats to go outside. Most of the cats in my life have started as strays/feral and there is no way on God's green earth they are going to let you turn them into house cats. The best you can do is keep them as safe as possible and then hope for the best. You have to accept that even if something happens, they probably lived longer and easier lives than they would have, if you had not taken them in. In my area (which isn't really country at this point), the cats all know there are coyotees, fox and fishercats around. I've watched the neighbors cat watch the coyotte. The cat seemed pretty sure of himself so I kind of wondered what the history was between him and the coyot (the coyot looked at him and then ignored like he didn't care in the least).
Once again, I am so very, very sorry about Linc and Finn. I can't even imagine how you're dealing with both. I would like to write more but honestly, I'm exhausted and need to get some sleep. Been a long week and it's coming up on 2 am.
Please know you're in my thoughts and I'm hoping the pain in your heart is lightening.
Take care of yourself
Peggy
I couldn't post yesterday but you were very much on my mind. I understand everything you're saying, including allowing the cats to go outside. Most of the cats in my life have started as strays/feral and there is no way on God's green earth they are going to let you turn them into house cats. The best you can do is keep them as safe as possible and then hope for the best. You have to accept that even if something happens, they probably lived longer and easier lives than they would have, if you had not taken them in. In my area (which isn't really country at this point), the cats all know there are coyotees, fox and fishercats around. I've watched the neighbors cat watch the coyotte. The cat seemed pretty sure of himself so I kind of wondered what the history was between him and the coyot (the coyot looked at him and then ignored like he didn't care in the least).
Once again, I am so very, very sorry about Linc and Finn. I can't even imagine how you're dealing with both. I would like to write more but honestly, I'm exhausted and need to get some sleep. Been a long week and it's coming up on 2 am.
Please know you're in my thoughts and I'm hoping the pain in your heart is lightening.
Take care of yourself
Peggy
Been having a bad week... ebbs and flows.
I don't know for some reason I'm just getting hit hard with the Finn loss. I can't think quite straight. I really did think I was over the hump.
right now.. It's chilly here..unseasonably so.. I made a fire in our fireplace. I have the the litte stone monument our vet clinic sent us on our hearth.. My husband and I have not set the time to place it over his grave...
Sean (my oldest furbaby of all) is waiting for me to put the blanket down in front of the fire.....
It just keeps hittting me this week..these moments.....when I make fire, Finn should be there all over the wood, the kindling...getting in my way all the time being excited and making a nuisance of himself...and then finally...he naps by his best bud Sean on their blankets in front of the fire...
dammit im so !#!#$^!%$% sad.... I miss him so much.. it hurts ..I'm a 46 yr old professional woman with an engineering degree. I'm supposed to be smart. I'm supposed to be able to keep it all together. He died on Feb 21...my god... shouldn't I feel better now????
I'm a !^$#6 dam wreck. What the @#^! is happening to me? I can't believe I can't get over this, or deal with this or manage my life with this???? I feel like I'm going insane.... How can one little cat do this to a person?
dammit I just want my Little Man back... weeping now... I'd cut off both my legs to have him back...
when does the pain ease??? EVER??? please tell me it does....please
I don't know for some reason I'm just getting hit hard with the Finn loss. I can't think quite straight. I really did think I was over the hump.
right now.. It's chilly here..unseasonably so.. I made a fire in our fireplace. I have the the litte stone monument our vet clinic sent us on our hearth.. My husband and I have not set the time to place it over his grave...
Sean (my oldest furbaby of all) is waiting for me to put the blanket down in front of the fire.....
It just keeps hittting me this week..these moments.....when I make fire, Finn should be there all over the wood, the kindling...getting in my way all the time being excited and making a nuisance of himself...and then finally...he naps by his best bud Sean on their blankets in front of the fire...
dammit im so !#!#$^!%$% sad.... I miss him so much.. it hurts ..I'm a 46 yr old professional woman with an engineering degree. I'm supposed to be smart. I'm supposed to be able to keep it all together. He died on Feb 21...my god... shouldn't I feel better now????
I'm a !^$#6 dam wreck. What the @#^! is happening to me? I can't believe I can't get over this, or deal with this or manage my life with this???? I feel like I'm going insane.... How can one little cat do this to a person?
dammit I just want my Little Man back... weeping now... I'd cut off both my legs to have him back...
when does the pain ease??? EVER??? please tell me it does....please
Hi, Connie, it has barely been three months since your precious Finn joined the angels. This is far too soon to expect to be "over with" or "adjusted to" this incredible painful grief of loss. Clinical professionals recognize that the first year of loss is very critical in enduring the grief adjustment journey. Yes, - - year. This grief journey is a process -- - like getting your degree in engineering. You had at least four years of college to obtain all the basic skills and knowledge you needed to have gainful employment in your chosen profession. So it is with this grief journey - - it's a process that cannot be "fast forwarded". Each day of this grief journey is an "education" in our gaining the skills we need in order to continue in our earthly journey as our beloved companions want us to - - in a way that will honor their living memory - -which is up to us to carry on in our hearts and our memories. And just as some of your college courses were challenges, so this grief journey is one of the hardest challenges we will know on this side of eternity - - for the stakes are higher than a college degree - - the stakes of enduring this grief journey are putting back together a shattered grief stricken heart - - of trying to find peace to circumstances that have changed our lives.
And it takes enduring every day of these "firsts" to develop the skills we need to develop a "new normal" in our daily routines and activities. Each grief journey for every individual is unique, but we all endure the same process. It is so vitally important that you allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for your precious Finn, and this includes working through the incredible anger that can be a part of the many grief emotions we can feel during this painful grief journey. This grief journey is often compared to a horror roller coaster ride. As Cheryl's topic so appropriately reads, "Just when I think I'm through the worst . . " we can find ourselves slammed to our knees overwhelmed in consuming deep grief as though it were the first moment we are confronted with not having the physical presence of our beloved companion with us anymore. This grief journey is very unpredictable, particularly in the beginning.
But I promise you, Connie, eventually you will begin to notice an improvement. Eventually you will begin to notice your deep grief easing, eventually you will begin to notice that you have more "good" days, eventually you will begin to feel a peace once again in your heart. It just takes time, Connie - - one day at a time - - each day a process of developing new skills toward a "new normal" that will also enable you to feel comforted and cheered with your precious Finn's sweet Living Spirit in your heart and your memories.
Connie, I truly wish there were an easier way through this grief journey. If there were I would most certainly share it. The only thing we can do is "go with the flow" - - let out the anger, shed the healing tears, refuse the guilt. Eventually, perhaps when you least expect it, you will once again be able to feel warmth in your heart and smile again. And this is what your precious Finn wants for you - - and it will happen - - but only when your heart has healed from the deep grief of not having your precious Finn physically with you.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Connie, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
And it takes enduring every day of these "firsts" to develop the skills we need to develop a "new normal" in our daily routines and activities. Each grief journey for every individual is unique, but we all endure the same process. It is so vitally important that you allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for your precious Finn, and this includes working through the incredible anger that can be a part of the many grief emotions we can feel during this painful grief journey. This grief journey is often compared to a horror roller coaster ride. As Cheryl's topic so appropriately reads, "Just when I think I'm through the worst . . " we can find ourselves slammed to our knees overwhelmed in consuming deep grief as though it were the first moment we are confronted with not having the physical presence of our beloved companion with us anymore. This grief journey is very unpredictable, particularly in the beginning.
But I promise you, Connie, eventually you will begin to notice an improvement. Eventually you will begin to notice your deep grief easing, eventually you will begin to notice that you have more "good" days, eventually you will begin to feel a peace once again in your heart. It just takes time, Connie - - one day at a time - - each day a process of developing new skills toward a "new normal" that will also enable you to feel comforted and cheered with your precious Finn's sweet Living Spirit in your heart and your memories.
Connie, I truly wish there were an easier way through this grief journey. If there were I would most certainly share it. The only thing we can do is "go with the flow" - - let out the anger, shed the healing tears, refuse the guilt. Eventually, perhaps when you least expect it, you will once again be able to feel warmth in your heart and smile again. And this is what your precious Finn wants for you - - and it will happen - - but only when your heart has healed from the deep grief of not having your precious Finn physically with you.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Connie, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Moonbeam,
I hear your words. I remember when I first found this place. I read so many stories. Some of the threads lasted months or even over a year. People 'still' grieving after so long a time..
I told myself then that I was in for a long slog...
I thought by being armed with this knowledge I would perhaps be better able to deal with these feelings as time dragged on. I guess it doesn't work that way. You're right with what you said ... the roller coaster ride ...the new normals (god what I would give for the 'old' normals). There are no short cuts..no easy fix.. Thank you for reminding me of this. Intellectually I 'know' these things. But my heart isn't getting the memo.
When I read about the month's on end journeys of others and their incessant pain I never judged. I understood. I felt compassion and deep empathy. However with myself, I judge..I should be able to move on more quickly and blah blah blah ...type A personality issue I guess.
I guess the Love these creatures bring to our lives is something we can't intellectually or rationally explain away when we try and cope with their loss. I admit I have suppressed a lot of thoughts in the last month or so. When he would pop into my mind I would shove it away. I was so busy with work I couldn't afford to go to that place. Now that the stressors of work have ebbed, I think all those thoughts, rememberings and painful loss are forcing their way to the surface again. Suppression I've realized is not a good thing to do. It simply delays the process and builds up, and makes the day of reckoning more acute and sharp and unbearable.
I think going forward I will embrace the memories, the pain, ...the happy thoughts too...when I laugh out loud when I remember some thing Finn did at this time of year ..I will not try and force them away regardless of my work or anything else. Spring, when I'm outside doing yard things and he would just insinuate himself in every activity. I knew spring was going to be a difficult transition to this new 'normal'... He's everywhere in every thing I do out there. It's very different now... so very empty and so very joyless.
I'm rambling...stream of consciousness.
Thank you for hanging in there with me. Your posts are so well thought out and expressed so eloquently. Your like the lighthouse as I am a ship struggling in a storm.
Connie
I hear your words. I remember when I first found this place. I read so many stories. Some of the threads lasted months or even over a year. People 'still' grieving after so long a time..
I told myself then that I was in for a long slog...
I thought by being armed with this knowledge I would perhaps be better able to deal with these feelings as time dragged on. I guess it doesn't work that way. You're right with what you said ... the roller coaster ride ...the new normals (god what I would give for the 'old' normals). There are no short cuts..no easy fix.. Thank you for reminding me of this. Intellectually I 'know' these things. But my heart isn't getting the memo.
When I read about the month's on end journeys of others and their incessant pain I never judged. I understood. I felt compassion and deep empathy. However with myself, I judge..I should be able to move on more quickly and blah blah blah ...type A personality issue I guess.
I guess the Love these creatures bring to our lives is something we can't intellectually or rationally explain away when we try and cope with their loss. I admit I have suppressed a lot of thoughts in the last month or so. When he would pop into my mind I would shove it away. I was so busy with work I couldn't afford to go to that place. Now that the stressors of work have ebbed, I think all those thoughts, rememberings and painful loss are forcing their way to the surface again. Suppression I've realized is not a good thing to do. It simply delays the process and builds up, and makes the day of reckoning more acute and sharp and unbearable.
I think going forward I will embrace the memories, the pain, ...the happy thoughts too...when I laugh out loud when I remember some thing Finn did at this time of year ..I will not try and force them away regardless of my work or anything else. Spring, when I'm outside doing yard things and he would just insinuate himself in every activity. I knew spring was going to be a difficult transition to this new 'normal'... He's everywhere in every thing I do out there. It's very different now... so very empty and so very joyless.
I'm rambling...stream of consciousness.
Thank you for hanging in there with me. Your posts are so well thought out and expressed so eloquently. Your like the lighthouse as I am a ship struggling in a storm.
Connie
Dearest Connie,
Your words are so familiar I could have written most of your posts myself. I'm a type A personality who tends to be very logical and will often try to intellectualize pain in an effort to help me push through it as quickly as possible (while not judging others while they find their own way through the pain). If I can understand the how’s and why’s of something, I can usually force myself to reshape/redirect the emotions associated with an event, accept the situation and move forward without getting stuck in the emotions. It sounds like a good plan but it certainly didn’t work when we lost Peggy. And it’s not working now, either. In the beginning, I thought it was the shock from the suddenness of the event. After a few days, I realized that suddenly losing her did play a small part but it was the loss of a soul I loved so deeply and who was such an integral part of my life and happiness that had injured my very soul.
As humans, in subtle and not so subtle ways we are conditioned to devalue animals, especially in relation to humans. We grow up hearing ‘it’s only a dog’ or ‘it’s only a cat’. Regardless of species, the word ‘only’ is always associated with the dismissive comment, unless it’s a human being referenced. I never heard those words uttered from my parents or siblings to dismiss/invalidate grief in my own home growing up (or as an adult) but have heard them countless times when others were talking about the loss of an animal. Even I had some confusion about the depths of my grief for Peggy and actually said, ‘how can I be in this much pain over a dog??? Yes, I loved her but she was a dog!’. And I’m one of those people who ALWAYS believed that animals should have the right of protection under the law, to be treated with dignity, respect, kindness and love. I do not feel I deserve to be treated better than an animal just because I happen to be a human animal.
It took some time considering it from all angles before I realized, I was mouthing what I had been conditioned to believe, by society. That truly deep emotional bonds could only be developed with other humans. I did (and do not ) believe that any other bond is inconsequential and can easily be replaced but on some level, I was buying into the theory that humans should not be so deeply effected by the loss of a pet. I believe this conditioned view is the basis for our ‘confusion’ when we experience such profound grief after losing a beloved pet, especially one with whom we shared a special bond. We have been conditioned (and the conditioning is reinforced over the years) that it’s ‘silly’ to think an animal is worthy of our love on anything more than a superficial level or that they return the emotion in kind. After all, ‘they’re just dumb animals’. Those of us who have been blessed with furry family members know differently but on some level, we also know we’re not ‘supposed’ to feel the same kind or depth of love or grief upon their loss, as we should when a human companion passes. I have finally come to understand that ‘love is love’ and telling your heart to differentiate between a human and an animal is a load of carp (reverse the a and r in that word).
Dearest Connie, in your case, you’ve lost 2 family members in very sudden and traumatic circumstances. You are trying desperately to work through your grief and like the rest of us, have constant reminders of your missing loved ones. I know you feel you should be able to intellectually muscle your way through the pain but take it from another Type A, logical personality, it just isn’t possible when dealing with such deep emotion. The loss of most of my other furry family members was a paper cut when compared to the bond and grief associated with Peggy. And please don’t misunderstand, I truly loved them all. But with Peggy, we connected on every level and were joined at the hip. Peggy touched a part of my heart I didn’t even realize was there, she’s the one who discovered it. It’s not like I had an ‘emptiness’ I was looking to fill when she came to us. She came into my life and filled my heart in a way that no other soul could even begin to approach. I now need to learn how to live without the soul with whom I was in perfect sympathy. You are struggling to find your way on this same road. I believe you shared that same kind of bond with Finn. It’s not that you didn’t/don’t love Linc, it’s just that Finn touched a part of your heart that only his essence could reach. Losing Finn was like having a huge piece of your heart ripped out and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. You just have to wait for time to begin healing that shattered hole so the pain can subside to something manageable. And then, just when you might have begun healing from that devastating loss, poor Linc meets with a tragic event. And the fragile healing that may have been underway is torn asunder and you are once again back to square one in the grief process.
Dear, sweet Connie, to the depths of my soul I wish I could find a way to comfort you and ease your pain. I swear to you, time will help ease the intense pain and despair you feel. Since I’m only 12 weeks out from Peggy passing, I can’t tell you how this ultimately turns out but I do suspect that we will always feel some degree of sadness and longing for our beloved animals. However, I do think that given some time to heal, you will eventually be able to remember your precious Linc and Finn with more smiles and less tears. You just need some time to pass with no tragic losses or other events that effect your healing heart.
Please know you remain in my thoughts and prayers and my deepest hope is that your poor injured heart is able to heal enough to release the worst of the pain very soon. And remember, we are always here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on or even just to vent your frustration at the fates that caused these events.
Big cyber-hug to you, my friend.
Peggy
Your words are so familiar I could have written most of your posts myself. I'm a type A personality who tends to be very logical and will often try to intellectualize pain in an effort to help me push through it as quickly as possible (while not judging others while they find their own way through the pain). If I can understand the how’s and why’s of something, I can usually force myself to reshape/redirect the emotions associated with an event, accept the situation and move forward without getting stuck in the emotions. It sounds like a good plan but it certainly didn’t work when we lost Peggy. And it’s not working now, either. In the beginning, I thought it was the shock from the suddenness of the event. After a few days, I realized that suddenly losing her did play a small part but it was the loss of a soul I loved so deeply and who was such an integral part of my life and happiness that had injured my very soul.
As humans, in subtle and not so subtle ways we are conditioned to devalue animals, especially in relation to humans. We grow up hearing ‘it’s only a dog’ or ‘it’s only a cat’. Regardless of species, the word ‘only’ is always associated with the dismissive comment, unless it’s a human being referenced. I never heard those words uttered from my parents or siblings to dismiss/invalidate grief in my own home growing up (or as an adult) but have heard them countless times when others were talking about the loss of an animal. Even I had some confusion about the depths of my grief for Peggy and actually said, ‘how can I be in this much pain over a dog??? Yes, I loved her but she was a dog!’. And I’m one of those people who ALWAYS believed that animals should have the right of protection under the law, to be treated with dignity, respect, kindness and love. I do not feel I deserve to be treated better than an animal just because I happen to be a human animal.
It took some time considering it from all angles before I realized, I was mouthing what I had been conditioned to believe, by society. That truly deep emotional bonds could only be developed with other humans. I did (and do not ) believe that any other bond is inconsequential and can easily be replaced but on some level, I was buying into the theory that humans should not be so deeply effected by the loss of a pet. I believe this conditioned view is the basis for our ‘confusion’ when we experience such profound grief after losing a beloved pet, especially one with whom we shared a special bond. We have been conditioned (and the conditioning is reinforced over the years) that it’s ‘silly’ to think an animal is worthy of our love on anything more than a superficial level or that they return the emotion in kind. After all, ‘they’re just dumb animals’. Those of us who have been blessed with furry family members know differently but on some level, we also know we’re not ‘supposed’ to feel the same kind or depth of love or grief upon their loss, as we should when a human companion passes. I have finally come to understand that ‘love is love’ and telling your heart to differentiate between a human and an animal is a load of carp (reverse the a and r in that word).
Dearest Connie, in your case, you’ve lost 2 family members in very sudden and traumatic circumstances. You are trying desperately to work through your grief and like the rest of us, have constant reminders of your missing loved ones. I know you feel you should be able to intellectually muscle your way through the pain but take it from another Type A, logical personality, it just isn’t possible when dealing with such deep emotion. The loss of most of my other furry family members was a paper cut when compared to the bond and grief associated with Peggy. And please don’t misunderstand, I truly loved them all. But with Peggy, we connected on every level and were joined at the hip. Peggy touched a part of my heart I didn’t even realize was there, she’s the one who discovered it. It’s not like I had an ‘emptiness’ I was looking to fill when she came to us. She came into my life and filled my heart in a way that no other soul could even begin to approach. I now need to learn how to live without the soul with whom I was in perfect sympathy. You are struggling to find your way on this same road. I believe you shared that same kind of bond with Finn. It’s not that you didn’t/don’t love Linc, it’s just that Finn touched a part of your heart that only his essence could reach. Losing Finn was like having a huge piece of your heart ripped out and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. You just have to wait for time to begin healing that shattered hole so the pain can subside to something manageable. And then, just when you might have begun healing from that devastating loss, poor Linc meets with a tragic event. And the fragile healing that may have been underway is torn asunder and you are once again back to square one in the grief process.
Dear, sweet Connie, to the depths of my soul I wish I could find a way to comfort you and ease your pain. I swear to you, time will help ease the intense pain and despair you feel. Since I’m only 12 weeks out from Peggy passing, I can’t tell you how this ultimately turns out but I do suspect that we will always feel some degree of sadness and longing for our beloved animals. However, I do think that given some time to heal, you will eventually be able to remember your precious Linc and Finn with more smiles and less tears. You just need some time to pass with no tragic losses or other events that effect your healing heart.
Please know you remain in my thoughts and prayers and my deepest hope is that your poor injured heart is able to heal enough to release the worst of the pain very soon. And remember, we are always here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on or even just to vent your frustration at the fates that caused these events.
Big cyber-hug to you, my friend.
Peggy
Hi, Connie, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. I'm smiling at your comment: "Intellectually I 'know' these things. But my heart isn't getting the memo." This is precisely one of the many facets of this grief journey. Grief is NOT an "intellectual" journey but one of the heart, and in order for us to be able to piece our lives back together and establish "new normals" our hearts need the opportunity to grieve the deepest sorrow that we can know on this side of eternity - - the physical loss of our beloved companions. And this just takes time, dear Connie, one day at a time.
"Your like the lighthouse as I am a ship struggling in a storm." Connie, one of our forum friends described this grief journey like being out on a stormy ocean in a leaking boat with toothpicks for oars. Just when they thought that they were getting closer to shore, another wave would swamp the boat and carry them back out into the middle of the storm. Think "Perfect Storm" proportions here. This is another very real &%^ogy of what this grief journey is like, particularly during the deep grief. It is a deep and sincere honor to try to be a "beacon of light" in the midst of darkness for others. If whatever I have experienced in my life journey can be of comfort and encouragement to others, to you, then my experiences have purpose.
". . . the new normals (god what I would give for the 'old' normals)." Connie, I so do understand. Coming to terms with the reality that the "old normals" no longer exist is one of the most incrediby painful aspects of this grief adjustment journey. Every day is a battle fighting with the "what is" and "what used to be." Every moment of every hour of every day is spent asking ourselves "NOW what do I do? At this time I would do this for . . . . At this time I would do that for .. . . But he /she no longer NEEDS me. NOW what do I do????!!!!" Our beloved companions are so totally dependent on us for their care - - their meals, their baths, their doctor visits, their medications, their toys, and on and on and on. When they "grow up" they don't get driver's licenses to take themselves to the grocery store to get their food, they don't drive themselves to the doctor for their check ups, they don't drive themselves to the pharmacy for their medications. They continue to be totally dependent upon us for their care and their every need. So, when they precede us to the angels there is a HUGE hole - - not only in our hearts but also in our daily routines - - and we are faced with re-defining our lives "without" - - and this is incredibly painful both emotionally and physically. And we find ourselves screaming, at least in our hearts "WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE GO AWAY???"
The answer to that question, Connie, is - - one day at a time - - one season at a time. I do so understand what you mean when you say, "It's very different now... so very empty and so very joyless." As painful as it is, Connie, it is part of the healing process. It's part of the process of putting back together your shattered heart "without" your precious Finn's physical presence with you. It's a process of re-directing your relationship with Finn, and Linc, to embracing their sweet Living Spirits and believing that they are still with you wherever you go and whatever you do. Their presence with you is now in "real time" as opposed to having to wait for you to return home from work or shopping or vacation or visiting friends / family - - for they are with you NOW - - this very moment in time - - they are no longer constrained by the physical laws of time and space to share every moment of every hour of every day with you. But it takes time for us to make this transition - - for our hearts to embrace this "new normal", "new reality" - - because we desperately want them PHYSICALLY with us. We live in a physically oriented world - - sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Our arms ache to hold our beloved companions, we ache to see them, to hear them. This is part of the "adjustment" - - and it is incredibly painful - - both emotionally and physically.
Our lives are changed for the better when our beloved companions come into our hearts and home, and they change again when they precede us to the angels. The good news is that we are blessed with the gift of having our cherished memories of their earthly journey, to be blessed to have the honor of having been their earthly caregivers, and the blessed gift of their eternal love to treasure in our hearts. These are precious gifts that NOTHING and NO ONE can ever take away from us, Connie. We know when our hearts are mending when we can remember our beloved companions with a happy heart - - as they want us to. Does this mean that we will NEVER shed another tear at missing them? No, it simply means that the deepest ache that is in your heart right now, Connie, will ease, and you will be able to smile again even if there is a mist that comes to your eyes. I promise you, Connie, you will be able to find a peace in your heart again - - in your own time as your grief lessens.
This is why it is so important for you to remember all through this process that you are NOT alone - - NEVER EVER - - alone - - even when it feels like your boat is being swamped with waves that seem to reach the sky, each of us are with you, for you, and beside you - - we will NOT let your boat sink. We will see you safely to shore where the waters are calm, the sun is shining again, and your heart has found a peace.
Connie, each day is a step forward in your journey, and I thank you so much for honoring us by sharing your journey with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
"Your like the lighthouse as I am a ship struggling in a storm." Connie, one of our forum friends described this grief journey like being out on a stormy ocean in a leaking boat with toothpicks for oars. Just when they thought that they were getting closer to shore, another wave would swamp the boat and carry them back out into the middle of the storm. Think "Perfect Storm" proportions here. This is another very real &%^ogy of what this grief journey is like, particularly during the deep grief. It is a deep and sincere honor to try to be a "beacon of light" in the midst of darkness for others. If whatever I have experienced in my life journey can be of comfort and encouragement to others, to you, then my experiences have purpose.
". . . the new normals (god what I would give for the 'old' normals)." Connie, I so do understand. Coming to terms with the reality that the "old normals" no longer exist is one of the most incrediby painful aspects of this grief adjustment journey. Every day is a battle fighting with the "what is" and "what used to be." Every moment of every hour of every day is spent asking ourselves "NOW what do I do? At this time I would do this for . . . . At this time I would do that for .. . . But he /she no longer NEEDS me. NOW what do I do????!!!!" Our beloved companions are so totally dependent on us for their care - - their meals, their baths, their doctor visits, their medications, their toys, and on and on and on. When they "grow up" they don't get driver's licenses to take themselves to the grocery store to get their food, they don't drive themselves to the doctor for their check ups, they don't drive themselves to the pharmacy for their medications. They continue to be totally dependent upon us for their care and their every need. So, when they precede us to the angels there is a HUGE hole - - not only in our hearts but also in our daily routines - - and we are faced with re-defining our lives "without" - - and this is incredibly painful both emotionally and physically. And we find ourselves screaming, at least in our hearts "WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE GO AWAY???"
The answer to that question, Connie, is - - one day at a time - - one season at a time. I do so understand what you mean when you say, "It's very different now... so very empty and so very joyless." As painful as it is, Connie, it is part of the healing process. It's part of the process of putting back together your shattered heart "without" your precious Finn's physical presence with you. It's a process of re-directing your relationship with Finn, and Linc, to embracing their sweet Living Spirits and believing that they are still with you wherever you go and whatever you do. Their presence with you is now in "real time" as opposed to having to wait for you to return home from work or shopping or vacation or visiting friends / family - - for they are with you NOW - - this very moment in time - - they are no longer constrained by the physical laws of time and space to share every moment of every hour of every day with you. But it takes time for us to make this transition - - for our hearts to embrace this "new normal", "new reality" - - because we desperately want them PHYSICALLY with us. We live in a physically oriented world - - sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Our arms ache to hold our beloved companions, we ache to see them, to hear them. This is part of the "adjustment" - - and it is incredibly painful - - both emotionally and physically.
Our lives are changed for the better when our beloved companions come into our hearts and home, and they change again when they precede us to the angels. The good news is that we are blessed with the gift of having our cherished memories of their earthly journey, to be blessed to have the honor of having been their earthly caregivers, and the blessed gift of their eternal love to treasure in our hearts. These are precious gifts that NOTHING and NO ONE can ever take away from us, Connie. We know when our hearts are mending when we can remember our beloved companions with a happy heart - - as they want us to. Does this mean that we will NEVER shed another tear at missing them? No, it simply means that the deepest ache that is in your heart right now, Connie, will ease, and you will be able to smile again even if there is a mist that comes to your eyes. I promise you, Connie, you will be able to find a peace in your heart again - - in your own time as your grief lessens.
This is why it is so important for you to remember all through this process that you are NOT alone - - NEVER EVER - - alone - - even when it feels like your boat is being swamped with waves that seem to reach the sky, each of us are with you, for you, and beside you - - we will NOT let your boat sink. We will see you safely to shore where the waters are calm, the sun is shining again, and your heart has found a peace.
Connie, each day is a step forward in your journey, and I thank you so much for honoring us by sharing your journey with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
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