Hello,

My name is Lana. I'm a 20-year-old student living in her mother's home.

On April 12th, my cat of 14 years passed away. She suddenly threw a blood clot one night, paralyzing her back legs, and because of the lateness of the hour there was no vet we could really take her to. We tried to make her comfortable and as safe as possible, but she was clearly frightened and in pain. We waited till morning, about 8:00 am, and took her to the vet. I wrapped her in a blanket and held her so we wouldn't have to force her into a carrier. The vet told us that the clot was the result of a very silent heart condition common in older cats. Hobbes, up until it happened, showed no symptoms or signs of distress. She was always affectionate, energetic and happy. Just like a kitten. The vet told us that there's nothing we could do to dissolve the clot and to try would only serve to torment my poor Hobbes. So we had no other choice but to put her down. It was the hardest day of my life. My birthday was four days later....

Ever since, I have gone from being hysterical, to angry, to depressed. I have questioned my sense of spirituality: I'm atheistic/agnostic, but I need to believe that she exists somewhere out there, safe and happy. It's the only way I can calm myself. I try to be happy in the face of family and friends whom I can't talk to about this, and I try to keep myself level. But sometimes it gets really hard and all I want to do is break down.

What's become especially difficult is simply being at my house. For nearly two weeks afterward I stayed with my boyfriend because being at home was too hard. But slowly I've started sleeping at home more often. It's so isolating. I feel like I'm trapped -even when I can get away for a few days I always have to come back. I feel constantly bombarded by memories and when I forget, even for a minute, I expect to see my cat, or think I hear her. And then I remember she's not there and I get really depressed again. It's terrifying. I've had trouble sleeping. The past two nights I haven't gotten to sleep until well past 6:00 am (tonight, thankfully, I'm sleeping at my boyfriend's again). I cry for what seems to be no reason when an image or memory suddenly hits me. I can be fine, and then all of a sudden, I can't stop sobbing. I wish I had the money to get my own place but I really don't yet.

One of the hardest things to deal with has been finding comfort in other people. My boyfriend was been great, really supportive. But since it happened I can't even be intimate with him beyond hugs and kisses. He's been really patient and allows me to express myself, but I can tell it's beginning to wear on him. And since he's never grieved from pet loss I think he's running out of things to say to me. Some friends have been comforting, but some have hit me with the kind of empty sentiment that someone uses when they want you to shut up. "Sh%t happens", "Don't worry, be happy", "Don't let it get to you", "Look on the bright side", etc...They don't seem to understand that I've lost my best friend, and everyday I feel more alienated and more embittered. I feel like my feelings are being belittled, and that I'm pathetic or worthless because I can't just deal with it. I feel like the world is telling me to stop whining. Worst in all this has been communication with my mother, who beyond casual fare I have always had speaking seriously with. I can barely broach the subject without bursting into tears with her. I feel like I can't show her how I feel, and the last time I told her I was feeling depressed she gave me the usual "well it isn't going to change so just get over it." I feel like everyone in my immediate family has just suppressed it or moved on and I'm left alone. I feel like I'm alienating myself from a world that wants me to move on faster than I can. And I feel isolated because I have to pretend I have while still being stuck with these memories and feelings.

I was 6 when I got my cat. I've had her almost all my life. She was my best friend, loved me unconditionally and was there for me in my darkest moments. She was a truer friend to me than many of my human friends. I feel like a little part of me has died and I simply don't know who to talk to but people who understand this feeling. I've never lost anyone or anything this close to me and I can't just forget about it. I really appreciate any support and kind words you might have and I want to express my own condolences to all of you. I understand how deep something like this cuts and I do believe that our feelings are valid and that our griefs are real.

Attached is a picture of my beautiful Hobbes.

-Lana P.

Dear Lana

I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your beloved Hobbes. I wish that I could help to take away some of the pain and desperation you are feeling right now, but please know that here at this wonderful forum, you are among people who truly understand. We have all come here for the very same or similar reasons, and many of us have been 'helped' by sharing our stories and emotions.
The crying is very normal, and please don't feel bad about it. If people around you have trouble dealing with your tears and sadness, then that is their problem, and certainly not yours. Crying is a way of release, and it's best not to hold back.
Your dear Hobbes is such a big part of your life and you certainly can't be expected to just ' Get over' this physical loss of a very special and beloved friend. In time you will be able to think of her with 'happy' memories and thoughts, but right now I know that you will feel as though you have a big, gaping hole in your heart. I know I felt actual physical pain, like a great lump in my chest. Others on here have described that same awful feeling.
Lana, your Hobbes, will not want to be the cause of pain and sadness in your life. She is a positive, beautiful part of your growing up, and she will have helped to shape, just who you are, which is obviously a loving and caring person. You must grieve in whatever way you need to, but I truly believe that our pet companions never truly leave us. They remain in our hearts and souls forever, and are never far away. I'm not alone in knowing that if I close my eyes I can clearly see my ' Angels'. It always brings me comfort, no matter what causes me to see them.
Please come back here, whenever you feel able. We would love to hear more about your darling Hobbes, and to know how you are.
I send a big HUG x
Love
Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Thank you so much for your kind words Janika.

I'm really glad I've found a place where people understand how I'm feeling.

I realize that in my previous post I said I had attached an image but I don't think I uploaded it correctly. Here's another attachment that hopefully works.

I really do hope that eventually I can remember Hobbes fondly without falling into despair. You're right: she would not want me to be this unhappy. With help, I'm hoping I can find a way to cope and accept what happened. She will always be a part of my life and will always be my very first pet and best friend.

Hi, Lana, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Hobbes. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Lana, our good friend Jan has said so many comforting things to you that are in my heart as well, so please read her response to you often. I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that take away the pain that is in your heart. But hopefully somehow you will know from the words we share with you in this forum that you are truly among friends here who do understand first hand what you are feeling and are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There is no need for a "public face" here, Lana - - this is a safe haven for you to share what is in your heart and on your mind. We are here for you, with you, and beside you with every step you take in your grief journey.

This grief journey is not one of "acceptance" - for how can we ever "accept" the physical loss of our beloved companion? It is rather one of "adjustment" to the change of not having their sweet physical presence with us to feeling their sweet Living Spirit with us forever in our hearts and memories. You see, Lana, the love bond we share with our beloved companions is eternal - - it is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. And it doesn't matter how much time passes during our continued earthly journey - - our beloved companions are always a heartbeat close to us, and they continue to share our earthly journey with us just as they always have and always will.

The loss of a beloved companion can raise a lot of questions, doubts, emotions that we may previously had not thought to be important. Even those who have a strong spiritual faith can find themselves sorely tested during the intensity of the deepest sorrow we will know on this side of eternity. Please believe me when I tell you your precious Hobbes IS with the angels. Try to think in your mind's eye of what the most beautiful, peaceful, most joy filled place would be like, then hold onto this vision and know that your precious Hobbes is there - - and she is safely in the company of all of our beloved companions while she patiently waits for your appropriate time to join her in eternal joy. And she is eternally grateful to you, Lana, for releasing her from her failing, painful physical body so that her sweet Living Spirit can be free to once again hop and skip and dance and play freely and joyfully - - and most importantly - - to eternally be a part of your heart and life and memories.

Lana, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride and we can find ourselves seriously wondering when / if we will ever be able to be happy again. The answer is yes - - eventually - - and when we least expect it. Just please remember you are not alone in your grief journey - - we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Lana, thank you so much for sharing your precious Hobbes with us, and for sharing her wonderful picture. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lana, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you very much for your sympathy.
It's nice to think that Hobbes is ok somewhere.
And it's nice not to feel so alone.

Dear Lana,

Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your precious Hobbes. She was a beautiful girl and I can see why you loved her so much.

Jan and Moon Beam have given you some of the best words of comfort, sympathy and support. I can only add that I believe that all our buddies are in a place, sort of like the Rainbow Bridge, but much better, where they are once again, healthy, happy, free of all pain and infirmities. Here they are once again playing, romping, sleeping in the sun, barking and purring with the greatest of contentment AND telling each other all about their Humans who have nt yet had the chance to join them. I believe each of our pets are waiting for us to join them and then we will (all) go off together to be in the most wonderful, loving, peaceful place that even our most vivid imagination cannot fathom. And there we will be for all eternity. Each of us calls this place whatever fits them best.

Lana, keep coming here for the support and understanding that you need. We are always here, even if we don't write anything. As for your boyfriend, he really doesn't have to say anything. He is there for you and with you, providing a safe refuge at this time. We don't always have to say words to speak volumes. As for the others, they have no clue and you don't have to use what strength you have to deal with their responses. You will find others along the way that will understand what you are going through.

You are quite a young woman as evidenced by your deep devotion to and love for Hobbes. She was one lucky cat. Please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. And that goes for Hobbes, too.

Love,
Bobbie

Dear Lana

What you're going through is a sure sign that Hobbes and you had a soul-connection. She was more than your cat, more than your best friend ... she and you were sisters-in-the-soul. And as the others have said, this site is definitely a place for you - where others who were befriended, owned, loved, realy LOVED by a dear animal, who has now passed from sight. All of us are or have been where you are now. And, as the others have already said, what you're going through is absolutely normal - for our special situation.

Only those of us who HAVE been priveleged enough to have been given this kind of gift can truly understand the body-blow it is (not to mention the alsmot-killing heartache) the passing of our friend, teacher, one-who-loved-us-best-no-matter-what, one WE loved best no matter what .... and a million other things. Most of the rest of the local world see things another way because they have never experienced the beautiful true two-way love with a soul-animal. It's like asking them (or us) to be able to read, say, Chinese on sight. We're good people, but that's an impossibility. Same with those around us right know - except here, of course. To most of those around us, a pet is a possession, like a car. And they react to the loss as though a good car of theirs has been totaled - regret, a little anger ... then move on.

It's not like that for us. Some researchers think that we specially-bonded grieve for our soul-pets as much as or even more than we do for the loss of a person. So the rest of the world thinks that's crazy or even pathological? Let them. They're dealing with the reality they know. We're dealing with a totally different reality - and it's just as real. We experience the paralysis, the million-tears crying, sometimes a hint of the presence of our soul-animal, the heavy sandbags around our hearts and minds. And we're here for each other. The sometimes trite saying 'everybody grives in their own way" really MEANS that to Lightning Strike people. (For example, I'm sleeping on my dog's bed [it was the BEST in the Smith and Foster catalog so it almost fits] four weeks after my beloved Gretta Girl passed - and no one on this site has told me they think I'm nuts or should get professional help. I even found another person who was doing that.)

So Lana we are your friends and we are here for and with you. Each of us would fall individually but together we hold each other up when times are rough and rejoice that we have all been so blessed as to be owned by and loved by a truly extra-extra special friend. In the depths of my heart, I believe that our friends are in a "perfect world" and that when we get there we'll recognize each other and live in happiness forever.

Please take care, Lana, and keep letting us know how you're doing - and, when the time is right, let us know some things about your Hobbes. Peace to you today.

Grettas mom

What a very pretty girl Hobbes was. My sincere sympathy on your loss, Lana. I wish you great peace and comfort in your sorrow.

Thank you all very much.

Bobbie: I like to believe that she's happy somewhere too. I'm not a very spiritual person but even the thought of her consciousness still existing in some form gives me comfort. My boyfriend really has been great about it. He's never had a pet, but he knows how much I love Hobbes and has been very understanding. But I can tell it worries him to see me so sad. After all, he's the only person I know that I feel comfortable being really intimate with, so he's one of few people who knows how I really feel.

Gretta's Mom: Thank you, and I understand. When I do sleep at my house, I always sleep with the blanket I wrapped Hobbes in in my arms or nearby. I don't feel comfortable without it and that blanket now has special status for me. I certainly would like to share happier stories about Hobbes eventually. I already feel better just having a place to talk about this.

Nicole's Mom: Thank you for your sympathy. Hobbes was beautiful, and I think she knew it too .

Dear Lana,

Please accept my deepest condolences on the passing of your beloved Hobbes. What a beautiful girl she was, very photogenic! The pic you included captures her gentle spirit and a sweetness that must have been even more pronounced when she was awake. Thank you for so much for sharing. I know how difficult it is to deal with the grief of loosing a beloved pet that was an integral part of your life. It’s a painful journey and sometimes it seems like the pain will never leave us. However, in time, that deep, intense pain you’re feeling will subside. You will eventually reach a point where you’ll be able to remember her without the wrenching pain and tears – but it takes time.

In your post you stated: Some friends have been comforting, but some have hit me with the kind of empty sentiment that someone uses when they want you to shut up. "Sh%t happens", "Don't worry, be happy", "Don't let it get to you", "Look on the bright side", etc...They don't seem to understand that I've lost my best friend, and everyday I feel more alienated and more embittered.
Please do not allow anyone to decide for you what the ‘appropriate’ amount of time is for you to travel this painful road. For each of us, the time needed differs and is tied to our life experience, the depth of our relationship with the other soul and the level of support we receive from others. Sometimes well meaning (and not so well meaning) people will try to ‘help’ by dictating exactly how long they think the mourning period should be. In my experience, the only ones who do that fall into 1 of 2 camps. First, there are the people who have never had to deal with the loss of someone close to them. And I’m speaking about the loss of someone emotionally close to them. I’ve met people who have lost a parent and feel this gives them the right to act as an authority on how to deal with the loss of someone close to you. But upon closer inspection, I’ve found they actually did not have a close emotional bond with their parent – so they’re really clueless about surviving a deep personal loss. The second group has no concept of developing a deep bond with an animal (and a sub-set of this group is people who are incapable of developing a deep emotional bond with other people). They see animals only as ‘property’ and easily replaced by another of its kind. My advice in both cases is to ignore these people and do not look to them for advice or support. They will just make it more difficult for you. Do you know the expression ‘consider the source’? That’s what you need to do with these types of people. The best thing to do is identify who these people are and write off their insensitive comments as lack of experience, lack of empathy or lack of the ability to understand. They are approaching life on a very superficial level, which is part of maturing. I think many of them are just young and lack the life experience to have the necessary compassion to try to help you through this difficult time. You clearly have the ability to love very deeply. That is a wonderful trait to have – do not allow anyone to tell you differently.

Regarding where Hobbes may be now. I respect your belief system and do not want to possibly offend with my personal opinion or push my beliefs on you so please allow me to offer a scientific perspective for you to consider. All living beings are comprised of energy and the body is just a vessel for that energy. Energy can not be destroyed but the organics which comprise the body will eventually return to their basic state. Since energy can’t be destroyed, it must go somewhere, once the organic is no longer an acceptable vessel. That being the case, Hobbes still exists, just not in a state we can see or recognize while we’re still in the physical world. I realize this doesn’t help much since there is a physical need for contact to help sooth the pain but I promise you, Hobbes does still exist and carries the love you shared.

Lana, you and your sweet Hobbes will be in my thoughts (and prayers, if you don’t mind) and I truly hope the pain in your heart eases.

Please take care of yourself,

Peggy (the human)

Dear Peggy,

Thank you for your advice and well wishes. It really helps. Don't worry if you think you've offended me: you haven't .
Honestly, you've articulated exactly what I wish to believe about Hobbes: that not only is her energy still intact in some way, be it returned to the earth or floating in space, but her consciousness may still exist too, since brainwaves are made up of a bunch of electrical impulses. Of course, without the temperament of an organic body and the emotional impulses of a nervous system, her consciousness may not be recognizable to me. But who knows what it carries: 14 years of Earth-bound conditioning might allow her to remember how loved she was, who I am, and what that means. I believe there is some form of her still out there. It gives me comfort. But I think what's most important is the little piece of her that resides in me.

I don't mean to sound trite or cheesy, but she was a big part of my life. We grew up together. She was a toddler when I got her. I was just a very young child myself. We each taught each other so much, as friends do. And we did so without the convenience of human communication skills. You're right when you mention her gentleness, but she also had such incredible valiance, energy, affection, loyalty and good-heartedness in her. But she could also be fun and goofy. She could be brave, wimpy, surprisingly intelligent and endearingly silly. But more than anything she was a lovebug who lived for comfort. She knew who her family was, who she loved, and let them know it. She was intimate with very few, and I got to be one of those people (the other was my sister and to a limited extent my mother). She was becoming more comfortable around my boyfriend, as long as I was there. I'm sorry he didn't get to experience how loving she could be. She took her friendships seriously, as she was a nervous cat. I had found her as a stray kitten in a stray forest near my house. She was being threatened by an angry Doberman who was being held back on a leash. After we took her in, she learned to love us. And only us. What she taught me about love, friendship, affection, gentleness, bravery and intimacy will always be with me. I will always carry a part of her with me, and I eventually hope to be able to live my life in a happy and positive way. I believe she lives through me; I am her organic link to the world. Therefore, if I am to do right by her, I must live to value love, friendship, intimacy, fun and comfort. I must live to bring these things to others. If I remain miserable -then so does her memory. And that is no honor to who she was -and who she is. But for the moment, I am working through my grief; the anguish of her absence. I'm learning to deal with it, with help .

You're also right about some of the friends I keep. While some have been exceptionally sympathetic and compassionate, either because they understand what I'm going through and/or they are just feeling, compassionate people who care about me and can be empathetic to the feeling of loss (my boyfriend mostly fits into the second group), others have been somewhat unfair. You're right: I should not focus on those people. It's just one of the things that convinced me to come here: to speak to people who know how I feel, because I was lacking that empathy from many around me. It frightens me that there are people who can't understand a bond between a human and another species, because of how they are likely to treat other people as well. But that's beside the point. I think most of the people I refer to just don't know how to talk about grief and loss. I don't think they're bad people.

Finally, although I follow a personal belief system, I am not offended by anyone's spirituality. There is no disproving a religious belief. It cannot be done, by science math or logic. And this is as much as it cannot be proved. This is because metaphysics are largely non-falsifiable. That's not a bad thing: it simply means that you can't find a clear-cut answer to the question of religion one way or the other. There is no solution to it. That means, for all I know, Hobbes may be in some kind of Heaven, or plane of existence we cannot perceive. We live in a universe (possibly, even a multiverse) of infinite numbers and renewable energy (when you take into account things like multiple generations of universes). I hold my beliefs simply because I am as right, or as wrong, as anyone else. But either way, there is a boundlessness to the universe within and without us, as The Beatles would say, and we are all so small in the face of that infinity. Therefore I think it is entirely possible that Hobbes is out there somewhere, renewed and happy. As you can see, this tragedy has got me thinking a lot about mortality. At first I was terrified of it. But now that I think about it more, I'm starting to think that in the face of an infinite void, the best thing I can do with my small and mortal life is to live it the best I can. I only get one, and the universe isn't particularly worried about it, so I have to make the best of it myself. Hobbes sought out happiness and comfort; she was independent and self-determined as much as she was loving and intimate. She was strong. I hope to live by her example.

Thank you so much again for your kind words, Peggy.

-Lana

"I will always carry a part of her with me, and I eventually hope to be able to live my life in a happy and positive way. I believe she lives through me; I am her organic link to the world. Therefore, if I am to do right by her, I must live to value love, friendship, intimacy, fun and comfort. I must live to bring these things to others. If I remain miserable -then so does her memory. And that is no honor to who she was -and who she is. But for the moment, I am working through my grief; the anguish of her absence. I'm learning to deal with it, with help ."

Hi, Lana, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing with us your love-filled life with Hobbes. Love is eternal, Lana - - it is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. And indeed your precious Hobbes continues to live on through you, and continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will. In time, your own time, perhaps when you least expect it, you will find your heart smiling once again and you will know that your deep grief journey has eased. Please know each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your journey, Lana.

Lana, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Lana,

You have been very much on my mind this week, just limited time to post and I wanted to properly respond to your earlier response. Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to do that and respond to some of the other, newer people on the site but I did want to check in and let you know I've been thinking of you and your beloved Hobbs. Maybe we doing this piecemeal, instead of one long post is the way to go.. so here goes!

You pose the chicken and egg question (which came first?). Does consciousness direct the body or would the body have same basic characteristics, regardless of whose consciousness were embodied in that vessel (based on the chemistry of organic matter)? In my opinion, the consciousness directs the body - which is why you can have siblings or even twins who have the same DNA and same basic environment but have very different personalities and outlooks. There have actually been cases of one twin being a violent offender and the other being one of the most compassionate, non-violent people around. I think the essence of who we are comes through in the physical world and that essence is who we really are – and doesn’t change just because we step out of the body. If you’re an angry person, you probably carry that angry mind-set with you even when you pass. If you’re a kind, compassionate and loving person, that is what you carry to the other side. Consciousness is what would keep the collective assembly of energy together after passing. And I don’t buy into the argument that animals don’t have the real consciousness or self-awareness. If that were true, they would have no concept of death and they certainly fight to stay alive when they feel their life is threatened. Anyway, that’s my theory so going by that, Hobbes’ essence is still the same collective assembly of energy, he knows exactly who you are and his love for you is still alive. I completely respect your opinion if it differs, I’m just postulating my own theory.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and that the pain in your heart is lightening.

You remain in my thoughts (and prayers!).

Take care and I hope school is going well,

Peggy

Hi Lana,

I am so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your loving best friend Hobbes. Like you, I lost my best friend of 16 1/2 years on 5/4/11 and I can totally relate to thy way you're feeling and believe me, it's not weird and it certainly doesn't come from a place of weakness. It takes a lot of strength to endure a loss of this nature and it also takes some time. Losing my precious little Abby was practically like losing an apendage. I struggle with the immense sense of loss everyday but I can tell you it does get better.

One of the hardest things has been being at home without my baby Abby. I live alone, so the house is very empty without her. So, I understand how you are feeling. Just continue to allow your family and friends to be there for you. Talk to your parents and let them know how you're feeling too (if you haven't already). I'll tell you, even at my age (way more than 20 LOL), talking to my mom everyday has helped me greatly.

I assure you that your beloved Hobbes is out there, loving you, missing you but she's in a place that is free from pain or illness. I truly believe you will be reunited again, just as I will with my Abby. In the meantime, please know that Hobbes is with you, in everything that you do and in every memory that you have of her. Though it may be painfull to remember now, it won't always be that way. One day, out of the blue you'll think about something she did or a fun time that you both had together and you'll smile.

Oh and what a beautiful cat! Goodness she looked so happy, content and loved in that picture. She knew how very much you loved her.

You and Hobbes are in my thoughts,
Abby's Mom

Hi Lana,
Hobbes was such a beautiful kitty. And I love her name, being a huge fan of the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes.
I too grew up with a kitty named Timothy the Tiger who was born when I was about 3. He was a big old red tabby barn cat, with huge feet six toes, but he was very sweet and friendly, and though he did spend a lot of his time hunting outside, he loved to be around me and spent most of his nights curled up in my bed. He moved to Arizona with us and lived to the ripe old age of 18. I was living abroad at the time he passed, so it wasn't as hard as it could have been, though I cried my eyes out when my mom told me she had to have him put to sleep.
You know what, after almost 20 years, Timothy still visits me in my dreams. It's like he has been watching over me all these years. I always feel so happy and comforted when he stops by to say hello. He's definitely with me.
Hugs,
Suzanne

Thank you everyone. Your words mean a lot to me.

I realize I have taken my time in responding. I've been partially distracted with work and partially having ups and downs. Sometimes I feel functional. Other times I feel unbearably depressed and hopeless. But at the moment I feel like I can communicate.

Dear Peggy: I want to start off by saying thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I also want to say that I also think Hobbes may be out there somewhere, intact. I just can't say for sure how or where (but I wish I could). I believe Hobbes might exist in some form, and her consciousness may still exist. I only wondered how. It's definitely true that living things -especially more intelligent creatures, like many mammals and birds-are a product of both biological hard-wiring and nurture, which gives credence to your statement that consciousness may precede worldly experience, albeit in a more mechanistic kind of way. And I definitely believe that most animals are sentient and self-aware, at least to a certain extent. I know that Hobbes had a sense of self and others. It may not be exactly the same for all animals: but it's there. I know Hobbes was present on at least a little more than a basic level of perception, but it was different. It was still powerful and beautiful and she was still an individual. She was more than just a pile of instincts, that's for sure. In short, I agree with a great deal of what you say, and I know it comes from a compassionate, thoughtful and sympathetic place. I believe that our buddies were more than just furry machines. They were alive, sentient and intelligent. They loved us as we love them. And they may still exist, looking over us, happy, comfortable and free. And we carry their memories and their lessons with us, all our lives, and at the very least we can immortalize them in this way.

Dear Abby's Mom: Thank you so much for your kindness and insights. It's nice to know that the pain does lessen. I'm going through, I guess, episodes at the moment. At times I feel somewhat relieved, and then some memory triggers or I have a dream and it all comes flooding back. It's been hard on my boyfriend: I'm pretty much holed up at his house until I can stomach going home. Every time I've tried going home, I end up feeling incredibly deflated at the end of two days. And I get claustrophobic, too, even in my own bedroom. He's suggested us trying to get student bursaries so we can maybe move out, get our own apartment, and raise our own little kitty by ourselves. He's also looking at convincing his mom to get a kitten which I would look after a lot since I'm at his house so often. Don't misunderstand, he's not trying to replace Hobbes to quick fix my recovery. He's just trying to alleviate some of my pain by helping me look to the future. And as much as I know Hobbes lived a good life up until her sudden passing, the fact that it was SO sudden makes me feel like I missed something. Like I could have helped beforehand if I had only been more attentive. And the fact that she was 14...I know that isn't young but if she were healthy she could've maybe lived another 6 years...I guess insecurity and doubt are part of this whole thing....Thank you so much for empathizing with me. It actually means a lot to hear that it's really possible for me to deal with this. And I'm so sorry for your loss too. At least we can keep them alive and try to preserve them in a positive way. It's something I keep telling myself, and I thank you for reminding me. Sometimes it's hard to remember. And thank you for the compliment (I guess, I'm thanking you on behalf of Hobbes). She really was a beauty, inside and out. Really cuddly and patient. She could start purring like a motor just being in the same room as someone she really loved (and they were few). She acted like a kitten even in old age, and looked like one too. Always loved to play. I guess I never noticed her heart failing because she was so young inside. And when she tired out, she was old and fixed, so I thought it was just her age catching up with her. But even then she was alert, even if she loved nothing more than to be curled up and comfortable. She liked to sit on my chest if I was working on my laptop or reading -and she had a weird thing for corners. She used to rub her face on the corner of my laptop and couldn't get enough of it. It was impossible to stop her....hmm, just reminiscing as I write this I sort of feel better.

Dear Suzanne64: Thank you for your story. Timothy the Tiger seems like he was a gentle old soul. When my kitty was little, we used to let her hunt in the backyard, although she didn't have as much space. She'd leave us little presents on the patio...gruesome, but her intentions were good . Hobbes also visits me in my dreams sometimes. But I'm not prepared to deal with it yet. In one where I vividly spent time with her, even spoke to her, I felt like I was with her again. Then waking up and having to remember that with her not there...I tried sleeping all day just to have that dream again. But it didn't come back. I guess she was busy . But I know what your talking about. I can sometimes feel her with me. I was there at the vet when we had to put Hobbes down. It was heartbreaking. My sister, who nursed my cat when we were all younger (I was 6 and she was a teen), was in another country when it happened. I'm sure she was no less upset than I was, but I don't know. And actually, it was my sister who named Hobbes after the strip. I was too young to be that creative. My sister and I had a special relationship with Hobbes. We really did feel like siblings. In a kind of weird way I guess.

Thanks so much to everyone for your kindness. You've really given me some comforting words and some things to think about. I feel better that I don't have to do this alone.

Hi Lana,

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hoping you're doing well. I know all too well about the ups and downs of this journey and want to assure you that you never need to apologize for not posting. We all know how difficult and emotional this time is and completely understand. I hope work is going well for you and whenever you have time and feel up to it, would love to hear how you're doing (even if it's a month from now!).

Please take care of yourself.

Peggy