Full Version: I Just Can't Cope
.
Oliva, please, please know that your beloved dog KNOWS that what you did was TOTALLY out of love for her. Second guessing and feeling so terribly guilty on hurts you more than you already are hurting. I know. I have been there myself with my late dog, Rudy. I found the most healing thing I could do is write Rudy an actual letter, telling him how sorry I was, how I loved him, missed him and everything that was in my heart. I was sobbing while writing and had to stop many times, but I finally finished a 4 page letter. Sealed it in an envelope and put it in a very safe place. The next day I had to do the same thing again. Now I have TWO letters. Putting everything on paper relieves your mind and heart of carrying such an awful burden and gives you the chance to slowly heal. And remember all the good you did for her and with her.
You have my deepest sympathy.
Bobbie
You have my deepest sympathy.
Bobbie
Hi, Olivia, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love that we can give to our companions, at great sacrifice to ourselves, so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels. And it is particularly painful when we must make that decision at a time when we are least prepared to understand WHY.
As Bobbie has already shared with you, guilt is a part of this grief journey, and is one of the more difficult emotions to reconcile. Guilt is the product of "looking back" - - going back over all of the little things that didn't quite make sense at the time and are now plaguing us with all the "what ifs", "why didn't I's", "why did I's", "I should haves", - - and on and on and on. All of this can, quite literally, drive us to the point of feeling like we're going insane.
One of the most important things for you to rememnber is that YOU did the VERY BEST you could for your beloved furchild at the time under the circumstances you were faced with the information you were given by a PROFESSIONAL veterinarian. Is 12 years old too old for surgery? It sounds like your precious companion was facing MAJOR INVASIVE surgery. And it sounds like she was already weakened by whatever illness was in her body. Therefore, had your precoius companion undergone the surgery -- she might not have survived the surgery, or she may have succumbed during post-op recovery. No, I am not a veterinarian, nor a licensed vet tech, but I did take courses to be a vet tech, so what I am sharing with you are things that I learned during the courses, as well as from my personal experiences as a furchild mom.
You also have the benefit of the "gut feeling" you had that "something" more serious was wrong with your precious companion, and this is what you based your decision to release your precious furchild from her failing, painful physical body. So, in reality, Olivia, you did the very best by your precious compainon with the deepest love of self-sacrifice. And your precious furchild is eternally grateful to you. She is now totally healed and enjoying the company of the angels in heaven's perfect garden. But I know right now this is little comfort to your broken, shattered, lonely heart.
But please do NOT compare what you did for your precious companion to anyone else's experience. Each of our experiences are unique, and in reality, Olivia, you did the VERY BEST for your precious companion. She knows you would have moved heaven and earth, or walked through roiling hot lava or over hot burning coals to give her a healthy and happy life, which you did for 12 years. Unfortunately, our beloved companions' physical bodies are like ours - - they are not fashioned for immortality on this side of eternity.
This grief journey is filled with so many different emotions that can overwhelm and consume us all at one time. This journey is not one of "accepting" the loss of our beloved companions but rather is one of "adjustment" to the loss of their physical presence. And it is not an easy journey at all, particularly during the deep grief which you are feeling right now. We live in a physical oriented existence of sight, sound, touch, taste, and feel. The good news is that the love bond we have with our beloved companions is ETERNAL - - it continues on even though we experience the most devastating sorrow we will know on this side of eternity - - the physical separation from our precious furkids. Hopefully, in time, you will be able to know that your precious furchild is still very much a part of you, for she is forever in your heart and your memories - - her sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will - - she is always a heartbeat close to you.
Bobbie has given you a very good suggestion about writing your beloved companion a letter. This is helpful in reconciling your doubts, and sharing your eternal love with your precious companion. Some folks find it helpful to keep a journal during their grief journey, and in time, they do notice how their thoughts are changing from deep grief to their precious memories - - recognizing that their earlier fears of "forgetting" their precious companion, and the guilt they were experiencing in their deep grief, were totally unfounded.
And one of the many things for you to remember, Olivia, is that you are NOT alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through and what you are feeling, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. And please no there are no judgments made here - - we are here for you, with you, and beside you with every step you take in your journey.
Olivia, I know right now there are no words in any language that can bring solace to your broken, shattered heart. The only thing we can offer you is our friendship across the cyber miles, reassuring you that you are not alone, and hoping that you will find some comfort and encouragement from our individual and collective responses that will help you to have hope in your heart that one day you will be able to smile again when you think of your precious companion with the reassurance that your love bond continues on. Perhaps sometime you would feel up to posting a picture of your beloved furchild, but only when / if you feel up to it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Olivia, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
As Bobbie has already shared with you, guilt is a part of this grief journey, and is one of the more difficult emotions to reconcile. Guilt is the product of "looking back" - - going back over all of the little things that didn't quite make sense at the time and are now plaguing us with all the "what ifs", "why didn't I's", "why did I's", "I should haves", - - and on and on and on. All of this can, quite literally, drive us to the point of feeling like we're going insane.
One of the most important things for you to rememnber is that YOU did the VERY BEST you could for your beloved furchild at the time under the circumstances you were faced with the information you were given by a PROFESSIONAL veterinarian. Is 12 years old too old for surgery? It sounds like your precious companion was facing MAJOR INVASIVE surgery. And it sounds like she was already weakened by whatever illness was in her body. Therefore, had your precoius companion undergone the surgery -- she might not have survived the surgery, or she may have succumbed during post-op recovery. No, I am not a veterinarian, nor a licensed vet tech, but I did take courses to be a vet tech, so what I am sharing with you are things that I learned during the courses, as well as from my personal experiences as a furchild mom.
You also have the benefit of the "gut feeling" you had that "something" more serious was wrong with your precious companion, and this is what you based your decision to release your precious furchild from her failing, painful physical body. So, in reality, Olivia, you did the very best by your precious compainon with the deepest love of self-sacrifice. And your precious furchild is eternally grateful to you. She is now totally healed and enjoying the company of the angels in heaven's perfect garden. But I know right now this is little comfort to your broken, shattered, lonely heart.
But please do NOT compare what you did for your precious companion to anyone else's experience. Each of our experiences are unique, and in reality, Olivia, you did the VERY BEST for your precious companion. She knows you would have moved heaven and earth, or walked through roiling hot lava or over hot burning coals to give her a healthy and happy life, which you did for 12 years. Unfortunately, our beloved companions' physical bodies are like ours - - they are not fashioned for immortality on this side of eternity.
This grief journey is filled with so many different emotions that can overwhelm and consume us all at one time. This journey is not one of "accepting" the loss of our beloved companions but rather is one of "adjustment" to the loss of their physical presence. And it is not an easy journey at all, particularly during the deep grief which you are feeling right now. We live in a physical oriented existence of sight, sound, touch, taste, and feel. The good news is that the love bond we have with our beloved companions is ETERNAL - - it continues on even though we experience the most devastating sorrow we will know on this side of eternity - - the physical separation from our precious furkids. Hopefully, in time, you will be able to know that your precious furchild is still very much a part of you, for she is forever in your heart and your memories - - her sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will - - she is always a heartbeat close to you.
Bobbie has given you a very good suggestion about writing your beloved companion a letter. This is helpful in reconciling your doubts, and sharing your eternal love with your precious companion. Some folks find it helpful to keep a journal during their grief journey, and in time, they do notice how their thoughts are changing from deep grief to their precious memories - - recognizing that their earlier fears of "forgetting" their precious companion, and the guilt they were experiencing in their deep grief, were totally unfounded.
And one of the many things for you to remember, Olivia, is that you are NOT alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through and what you are feeling, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. And please no there are no judgments made here - - we are here for you, with you, and beside you with every step you take in your journey.
Olivia, I know right now there are no words in any language that can bring solace to your broken, shattered heart. The only thing we can offer you is our friendship across the cyber miles, reassuring you that you are not alone, and hoping that you will find some comfort and encouragement from our individual and collective responses that will help you to have hope in your heart that one day you will be able to smile again when you think of your precious companion with the reassurance that your love bond continues on. Perhaps sometime you would feel up to posting a picture of your beloved furchild, but only when / if you feel up to it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Olivia, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Dear Olivia,
I am so sorry about the passing of your beloved dog. Making the decision to help them pass over is so difficult and is almost always accompanied with guilt. I understand that you're concerned that you may have made a hasty decision but I believe we can usually trust our instincts. In my case, I had been bringing my Peggy (The Dog) into the vet on an almost monthly/weekly basis because I knew something was wrong. They kept giving her a clean bill of health. On her last day here, I rushed her to the vet in the morning because she seemed to be struggling to breath (she was only 8 years old). Once again, she was 'fine' aside from them finding 'a mild case of asthma' which 'shouldn't be a problem'. About 7 hours later, she collapsed on my kitchen floor and I rushed her to the emergency vet, which happens to be a major university hospital. They diagnoised congestive heart failure and had to insert a needle to drain the fluid. A few hours later, they determined she had tumors growing on her heart, and the 'fluid' was blood. I had to make the decision to end her suffering. However, I will tell you this. When she was in my kitchen, struggling to breath and unable to get up, I knew it was over. I could feel it (can't explain it any other way, I just knew she would be leaving that night, I could feel it to the depths of my soul). Had I listened to my instincts and to the way the Dr's gently hinted that the fluid was a very bad sign, I could have saved her from going through 5 hours of fear and pain - they drained her heart sack numerous times in 5 hours. She had to endure that before I could accpet that it was over and allow her to pass peacefully. You, on the other hand recognized that your instinct was telling you it was something serious and life threatening causing the problem and when you had confirmation, you did what was in the best interest of your beloved family member.
It is very difficult and overwhelming to be in the position you faced and you followed your instinct to do what was best for her. I am not aware of a website that will answer questions like that but I have heard that Tufts University and some other training hospitals are often willing to answer general questions. I would suggest that you try calling one of them and asking if you can setup some time to ask them some questions. I can tell you that Tufts was great with me, my family and with Peggy. They were sensitive and willing to speak with me afterward (I just couldn't deal with having to disucss it - at least not yet). It may be worth a shot. But please, don't beat yourself up. There is a good chance the Dr you saw has dealt with a lot of cancer cases and immediately recognized what was causing the problem. I know with my dog, Tufts had a good idea what the problem was before they performed any tests - and they did try to gently warn me before they did much more than take an x-ray. Dr's who have experience in a specific area often know what they're looking at pretty quickly so please try to let go of the guilt. Regarding her age and chance of surviving surgery, yes, some dogs do survive it but others do not. At that age, they are often even more susceptible to infection and bad reactions to the anesthesia. While there are many cases of dogs surviving, there are also many who do not. It depends on the dog, the type of cancer, where it's located in the body and the skill of the Dr's. Also, how well the dog can handle the stress of being in the hospital pre and post surgery. In these situations, there is no 'right' answer. Imagine if you had proceeded with surgery and she had passed. You'd feel guilty for having put her through that during her final days. You can't second guess yourself because you will always end up beating yourself up for not having the ability to foresee the future. All any of us can do is our best in each situation, and you certainally did that. I hope you can release the guilt and treat yourself with the same care and compassion your beloved dog would extend to you. You clearly have a loving heart and only want what's best for those in your life and I am sure your dog knew that.
You will be in my prayer and I hope you're feeling more at peace with your decision in the coming days.
Take care of yourself,
Peggy (the human)
I am so sorry about the passing of your beloved dog. Making the decision to help them pass over is so difficult and is almost always accompanied with guilt. I understand that you're concerned that you may have made a hasty decision but I believe we can usually trust our instincts. In my case, I had been bringing my Peggy (The Dog) into the vet on an almost monthly/weekly basis because I knew something was wrong. They kept giving her a clean bill of health. On her last day here, I rushed her to the vet in the morning because she seemed to be struggling to breath (she was only 8 years old). Once again, she was 'fine' aside from them finding 'a mild case of asthma' which 'shouldn't be a problem'. About 7 hours later, she collapsed on my kitchen floor and I rushed her to the emergency vet, which happens to be a major university hospital. They diagnoised congestive heart failure and had to insert a needle to drain the fluid. A few hours later, they determined she had tumors growing on her heart, and the 'fluid' was blood. I had to make the decision to end her suffering. However, I will tell you this. When she was in my kitchen, struggling to breath and unable to get up, I knew it was over. I could feel it (can't explain it any other way, I just knew she would be leaving that night, I could feel it to the depths of my soul). Had I listened to my instincts and to the way the Dr's gently hinted that the fluid was a very bad sign, I could have saved her from going through 5 hours of fear and pain - they drained her heart sack numerous times in 5 hours. She had to endure that before I could accpet that it was over and allow her to pass peacefully. You, on the other hand recognized that your instinct was telling you it was something serious and life threatening causing the problem and when you had confirmation, you did what was in the best interest of your beloved family member.
It is very difficult and overwhelming to be in the position you faced and you followed your instinct to do what was best for her. I am not aware of a website that will answer questions like that but I have heard that Tufts University and some other training hospitals are often willing to answer general questions. I would suggest that you try calling one of them and asking if you can setup some time to ask them some questions. I can tell you that Tufts was great with me, my family and with Peggy. They were sensitive and willing to speak with me afterward (I just couldn't deal with having to disucss it - at least not yet). It may be worth a shot. But please, don't beat yourself up. There is a good chance the Dr you saw has dealt with a lot of cancer cases and immediately recognized what was causing the problem. I know with my dog, Tufts had a good idea what the problem was before they performed any tests - and they did try to gently warn me before they did much more than take an x-ray. Dr's who have experience in a specific area often know what they're looking at pretty quickly so please try to let go of the guilt. Regarding her age and chance of surviving surgery, yes, some dogs do survive it but others do not. At that age, they are often even more susceptible to infection and bad reactions to the anesthesia. While there are many cases of dogs surviving, there are also many who do not. It depends on the dog, the type of cancer, where it's located in the body and the skill of the Dr's. Also, how well the dog can handle the stress of being in the hospital pre and post surgery. In these situations, there is no 'right' answer. Imagine if you had proceeded with surgery and she had passed. You'd feel guilty for having put her through that during her final days. You can't second guess yourself because you will always end up beating yourself up for not having the ability to foresee the future. All any of us can do is our best in each situation, and you certainally did that. I hope you can release the guilt and treat yourself with the same care and compassion your beloved dog would extend to you. You clearly have a loving heart and only want what's best for those in your life and I am sure your dog knew that.
You will be in my prayer and I hope you're feeling more at peace with your decision in the coming days.
Take care of yourself,
Peggy (the human)
Dear Olivia,
Please accept my sincerest condolences on the loss of your precious canine compaion. I believe you were guided in the direction of euthanasia. I do not think the decision of when our animal kids leave this earth is necessarily ours. We have to trust that we are given guidance in various ways.
I would be surprised if a vet suggested euthanasia unless they were sure the prognosis was poor. I know that they do have an oath to practice by. When I took my beautiful Victoria to the emergency vet on her final day, he suggested tests and IV's, or euthanasia. I did not want her to suffer and choose the later.
As others have said, guilt is a part of this grief journey. Please try to take it one day at a time for now. We will be here for you whenever you need us.
With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna
Please accept my sincerest condolences on the loss of your precious canine compaion. I believe you were guided in the direction of euthanasia. I do not think the decision of when our animal kids leave this earth is necessarily ours. We have to trust that we are given guidance in various ways.
I would be surprised if a vet suggested euthanasia unless they were sure the prognosis was poor. I know that they do have an oath to practice by. When I took my beautiful Victoria to the emergency vet on her final day, he suggested tests and IV's, or euthanasia. I did not want her to suffer and choose the later.
As others have said, guilt is a part of this grief journey. Please try to take it one day at a time for now. We will be here for you whenever you need us.
With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna
Thank you so much for the replies. I'm sorry I haven't written back. Everytime I try to write a response it just comes out a complete mess and I end up deleting it all. But I wanted you to know I'm extremely grateful for all your advice and kind words. They truly mean a lot. This is just so hard....
Hi, Olivia, it is so good to hear from you. Please know we are here for you - - always. Each of us here know the depths of deep grief, and we perfectly understand how difficult this adjustment journey is being for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Olivia, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible, if you would like to.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Dear Olivia,
I am SO sorry about the passing of your beloved dog. Nobody's words can ease the pain right now, but there is some comfort in knowing that there are people out there/here that know almost exactly what you're going through. (Nobody can know someone else's experience exactly, I think.)
Your story is so much like mine with my Gretta, a 12.5 year old chocolate lab rescue dog who chose me at an adoption event when she was 9 and was my "mistress" until she passed. Gretta had the best vet in this city (and maybe beyond). He took care of her when the rescue organization first brought her in from the streets where she was living. He took the best care of her. He loved her almost as much as I do :). Gretta began limping about a year ago. The vet thought she might have should cancer, but took X-rays and they were clean. She got along on pain and joint meds until about two months before she went home. We could only go an around-the-block walks. She crashed in one day. By 3 PM she could only stand but not walk. i took her to the U of MN Vet School clinic (it was a Saturday) where they examined her and said she was in neck and back pain and (I knew) hadn't urinated all day. I was afraid. I was afraid I couldn't take care of her that night. She weighed 65 pounds and we live 5 steps above the street. No urination for that long was not a good sign. I feel like a chickenm but I asked them if they could keep her overnight. She slept there that night and the next morning the senior vet called me saying Gretta had many pain points, still hadn't urinated, and started talking about MRI, surgery, etc. Like you, I said no. My beautiful, kind Gretta was NOT going to go through the pain and risk of major surgery - just like your dog. I asked the vet if it was time and she indirectly said it was. Like you, I made that decision running on the fumes of love for Gretta. I went to the vet school, saw her, wesaid our last wrods to each other on this side, and I told the vet to insert the catheter. After a few more words and tears, I said it was time. Two deep breaths and she relaxed into my arms. I was the one who siad, "She's gone."
Like you, I have guilt and remorse over having left beautiful Gretta all alone in a strange - and painful - place on what was to be her last night on this earth. Who would do that knowingly? Not me, not you, not anyone who has ever loved and been loved by a soul-dog, one sent from heaven especially for you. We know, we FEEL, what is right. ANd we can do this because of the bond of love between us - which never goes away. Remember the times your dog did something to make you say, "Yup, dogs are smarter than people"? Well, they're STILL smarter than we are. As Bobbie said, they KNOW and they are SURE that everything - I mean everything - we did for them was done out of pure unadulterated love. You did the absolutely right thing. Olivia. Your dog knows this even though you are feeling so bad about what happened and what you think you did wrong. Trust me, trust everyone who has known the love of a dog, trust your dog even now - you did the absolutely right thing.
I write a diary to Gretta every day - what happened that day, how much I miss her, how much I love her and how deeply grateful I am for her choice of me - out of everyone in the world - to bestow her love and kindness on. It a blessing. If it weren't we surely wouldn't feel so bad now.
Please let us know how you are doing. Peggy Mom helped me post two pictures of Gretta. Someone can help you if you want to post pictures. I'm sure we'd all be blown away by them.
Something just occured to me: this site isn't just for pet loss and grieving. It's made up of people who have met, lived with, loved and been loved by their soul-pets. We're together in this.
Gretta's mom
I am SO sorry about the passing of your beloved dog. Nobody's words can ease the pain right now, but there is some comfort in knowing that there are people out there/here that know almost exactly what you're going through. (Nobody can know someone else's experience exactly, I think.)
Your story is so much like mine with my Gretta, a 12.5 year old chocolate lab rescue dog who chose me at an adoption event when she was 9 and was my "mistress" until she passed. Gretta had the best vet in this city (and maybe beyond). He took care of her when the rescue organization first brought her in from the streets where she was living. He took the best care of her. He loved her almost as much as I do :). Gretta began limping about a year ago. The vet thought she might have should cancer, but took X-rays and they were clean. She got along on pain and joint meds until about two months before she went home. We could only go an around-the-block walks. She crashed in one day. By 3 PM she could only stand but not walk. i took her to the U of MN Vet School clinic (it was a Saturday) where they examined her and said she was in neck and back pain and (I knew) hadn't urinated all day. I was afraid. I was afraid I couldn't take care of her that night. She weighed 65 pounds and we live 5 steps above the street. No urination for that long was not a good sign. I feel like a chickenm but I asked them if they could keep her overnight. She slept there that night and the next morning the senior vet called me saying Gretta had many pain points, still hadn't urinated, and started talking about MRI, surgery, etc. Like you, I said no. My beautiful, kind Gretta was NOT going to go through the pain and risk of major surgery - just like your dog. I asked the vet if it was time and she indirectly said it was. Like you, I made that decision running on the fumes of love for Gretta. I went to the vet school, saw her, wesaid our last wrods to each other on this side, and I told the vet to insert the catheter. After a few more words and tears, I said it was time. Two deep breaths and she relaxed into my arms. I was the one who siad, "She's gone."
Like you, I have guilt and remorse over having left beautiful Gretta all alone in a strange - and painful - place on what was to be her last night on this earth. Who would do that knowingly? Not me, not you, not anyone who has ever loved and been loved by a soul-dog, one sent from heaven especially for you. We know, we FEEL, what is right. ANd we can do this because of the bond of love between us - which never goes away. Remember the times your dog did something to make you say, "Yup, dogs are smarter than people"? Well, they're STILL smarter than we are. As Bobbie said, they KNOW and they are SURE that everything - I mean everything - we did for them was done out of pure unadulterated love. You did the absolutely right thing. Olivia. Your dog knows this even though you are feeling so bad about what happened and what you think you did wrong. Trust me, trust everyone who has known the love of a dog, trust your dog even now - you did the absolutely right thing.
I write a diary to Gretta every day - what happened that day, how much I miss her, how much I love her and how deeply grateful I am for her choice of me - out of everyone in the world - to bestow her love and kindness on. It a blessing. If it weren't we surely wouldn't feel so bad now.
Please let us know how you are doing. Peggy Mom helped me post two pictures of Gretta. Someone can help you if you want to post pictures. I'm sure we'd all be blown away by them.
Something just occured to me: this site isn't just for pet loss and grieving. It's made up of people who have met, lived with, loved and been loved by their soul-pets. We're together in this.
Gretta's mom
Hi, I'm sorry I haven't replied to the responses people gave. Every single time I've tried I just end up collapsing in tears in front of my computer. People have been very kind, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself for what happened. Thank you though for trying to help.
Hi, Olivia, this grief journey is very hard to deal with. Your precious beloved companion does not want you entrenched in sorrow, grief, and guilt. Please know we are here for you - - there is no "expiration date" here. We will ALWAYS want to know how you're doing, Olivia, and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hello Olivia
I know what you mean when you say you burst into tears every time you try to write something. It's been 6 weeks since my Gretta left this world - and i still cry every time I read or write on this site. Your soul-mate knows, KNOWS that every single thing you did, thought or said was done out of 100% love. These soul-mate animals know far better than we do about love. I think it's part of why they search us out in this world until they find us - out of all the perople in the world. Please be kind to yourself - you're a wonderful person. I know that. Your beautiful heart comes through in what you write. And we WILL be together with our better halves in the Perfect World to which they have made it and from which they continue to watch over us and teach us and love us and, once in a while, send us a tiny sign that we're doing the right things.
In care,
Gretta's mom
I know what you mean when you say you burst into tears every time you try to write something. It's been 6 weeks since my Gretta left this world - and i still cry every time I read or write on this site. Your soul-mate knows, KNOWS that every single thing you did, thought or said was done out of 100% love. These soul-mate animals know far better than we do about love. I think it's part of why they search us out in this world until they find us - out of all the perople in the world. Please be kind to yourself - you're a wonderful person. I know that. Your beautiful heart comes through in what you write. And we WILL be together with our better halves in the Perfect World to which they have made it and from which they continue to watch over us and teach us and love us and, once in a while, send us a tiny sign that we're doing the right things.
In care,
Gretta's mom
Dear Olivia,
I am so sorry that your heart is still buried in guilt and pain. I swear to you, you did nothing wrong. Please, please try to convince your heart of the truth I’m telling you. There are only 2 courses of logic that can apply here. There are really 2 types of vets/Drs in this world. The first is a competent and honorable Dr who is truly trying to do the right thing. Those Dr’s do NOT suggest euthanasia lightly. They ONLY suggest that as an option when they KNOW THERE IS NO HOPE and only SUFFERING for the animal if it’s not done. The second type has 2 sub-sets, the incompetents and the unscrupulous. BOTH of those would try to convince you to grasp at straws and pay for some procedure that’s a long shot at best and definitely going to enrich their bottom line, regardless of the outcome for the animal. Incompetent and greedy vets usually ‘give themselves away’ by trying to ‘up sell’ treatments for pets. They play on our emotions and convince you that the situation isn’t hopeless so you agree to treatments that are expensive and prolong the poor animals agony. Since that IS NOT what happened here, the Dr HAD NO DOUBT ABOUT THE CORRECT COURSE OF ACTION (!) so the evidence strongly points to you having a very good Dr (who just should have taken some time with you, to explain everything)!! Please forgive my upper case words but I am desperate to have your heart hear what I’m saying. I have dealt with all types of vets over the past 40 years and I have NEVER had any of them suggest euthanasia unless there really and truly was no other logical option for the animal. A small handful of Dr’s were incompetent/greedy (as further research uncovered, after the fact) and they ALWAYS wanted me to spring thousands of dollars on ‘testing’. They were usually the ones who would outright reject the idea of euthanasia if I asked (out of fear) if they thought that’s where we were eventually heading. They would usually assure me that they didn’t think it would come to that, we just needed to do a lot of testing to figure out the best course of action. With one of my dogs, I just didn’t get a good feeling from the situation and my gut was telling me the dog was in pain and something big and really bad was wrong. When I brought him to another vet, he told me after walking in that he had an idea of what was wrong but didn’t want to say anything until he ran a very specific test (my dog was only 5 years old). It took less that 1 day and $100 for him to tell me my dog had cancer and it appeared to have metastasized to his lungs. HE recommended euthanasia, and rightly so. Even though this was years ago, I was very fortunate to have a Dr who explained everything to me so I understood the gravity of the situation.
I vividly remember your story (I think of you often and had been wondering how you were doing) and I am still convinced that you did the right thing. You KNEW intuitively that your beloved dog was in critical condition and you did what was necessary to spare him any additional pain. Sweet Olivia, that is the ultimate act of selflessness and love. I understand your grieving and that you’re missing your dear friend. And considering how gentle your heart is, I understand that you’re having trouble with your decision. However, you MUST love and trust yourself enough to accept that you did the right thing and you did it for the right reasons. Making the decision to euthanize is one of the most difficult, heart wrenching decisions we can be called upon to make. I know many people who say they love animals but are unable to make that decision and force the animal to endure needless suffering. You, gentle Olivia, acted immediately to alleviate the suffering of your beloved dog. That act and your ability to see beyond what you want and having the courage to do what is needed is to be commended, not condemned. Not even by you, sweet Olivia with the gentle heart.
Olivia, I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could find the right words to help you release the guilt. Guilt does serve a purpose in the right situation. BUT THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE SITUATIONS! It helps us to critically view our actions so we can identify areas were we should have behaved differently, gives us an opportunity to learn from our mistakes and hopefully, we don’t repeat those mistakes the next time we encounter that kind of situation. In this case, waiting would only have served to prolong the pain and suffering for your dog. Had you insisted on thousands of dollars of testing and they had come back 4 days later, telling you he was riddled with cancer and was in agony all the time, you’d be dealing with the guilt of not following your instincts to act immediately when your gut told you it was time to release him. And you’d be feeling guilty for forcing him to endure those additional days. With life and death, we just can’t escape the guilt. It’s part and parcel of that decision making process and all we can do is make the best decision we can when faced with it. I personally, follow my instincts with these decisions, as do you, and it’s the best any of us can do. I do believe we have an unseen connection with our animals and even when we’re ‘not sure’ in our own heads about whether or not it’s ‘time’, on some level, we are sure it’s time for them to go or we wouldn’t be able to form the decision and inform the Dr. I honestly think they’re communicating to us that it’s time, THEY KNOW. If it truly wasn’t time for your dog to go, your instinct would have prevented you from making the decision. You would have been too conflicted to make any decision. In those situations, it’s so much easier to say NO than to say yes, please proceed with the procedure. As humans, our natural instinct is to forestall death for ourselves and our loved ones as long as possible. It is only when we realize our loved ones are in agony that we are desperate to help them escape the pain. That is exactly what you described in your original post. You knew your dog was suffering and you were desperate to help him escape the pain. IT WAS TIME. He must have been mentally begging you to help release him and God love you for having the strength, courage and love to do just that.
Olivia, please know that you are in my and Mom’s thoughts and prayers. We are both praying that your heart is able to release the pain and guilt you’ve been carrying. You are a loving and sweet soul with a very gentle and fragile heart and my greatest wish is that you’ll find a way to extend some compassion toward yourself. You deserve to be treated kindly, with consideration and trust and I hope you are able to recognize that you deserve to be commended those traits and know that you deserve to be free of pain.
I send you a big, comforting cyber-hug and pray your gentle heart eases soon.
Please take care of yourself and forgive me for this excessively long e-mail. I truly care about you and am desperately trying to find the words that will resonate with your poor injured heart.
Peggy (the human)
I am so sorry that your heart is still buried in guilt and pain. I swear to you, you did nothing wrong. Please, please try to convince your heart of the truth I’m telling you. There are only 2 courses of logic that can apply here. There are really 2 types of vets/Drs in this world. The first is a competent and honorable Dr who is truly trying to do the right thing. Those Dr’s do NOT suggest euthanasia lightly. They ONLY suggest that as an option when they KNOW THERE IS NO HOPE and only SUFFERING for the animal if it’s not done. The second type has 2 sub-sets, the incompetents and the unscrupulous. BOTH of those would try to convince you to grasp at straws and pay for some procedure that’s a long shot at best and definitely going to enrich their bottom line, regardless of the outcome for the animal. Incompetent and greedy vets usually ‘give themselves away’ by trying to ‘up sell’ treatments for pets. They play on our emotions and convince you that the situation isn’t hopeless so you agree to treatments that are expensive and prolong the poor animals agony. Since that IS NOT what happened here, the Dr HAD NO DOUBT ABOUT THE CORRECT COURSE OF ACTION (!) so the evidence strongly points to you having a very good Dr (who just should have taken some time with you, to explain everything)!! Please forgive my upper case words but I am desperate to have your heart hear what I’m saying. I have dealt with all types of vets over the past 40 years and I have NEVER had any of them suggest euthanasia unless there really and truly was no other logical option for the animal. A small handful of Dr’s were incompetent/greedy (as further research uncovered, after the fact) and they ALWAYS wanted me to spring thousands of dollars on ‘testing’. They were usually the ones who would outright reject the idea of euthanasia if I asked (out of fear) if they thought that’s where we were eventually heading. They would usually assure me that they didn’t think it would come to that, we just needed to do a lot of testing to figure out the best course of action. With one of my dogs, I just didn’t get a good feeling from the situation and my gut was telling me the dog was in pain and something big and really bad was wrong. When I brought him to another vet, he told me after walking in that he had an idea of what was wrong but didn’t want to say anything until he ran a very specific test (my dog was only 5 years old). It took less that 1 day and $100 for him to tell me my dog had cancer and it appeared to have metastasized to his lungs. HE recommended euthanasia, and rightly so. Even though this was years ago, I was very fortunate to have a Dr who explained everything to me so I understood the gravity of the situation.
I vividly remember your story (I think of you often and had been wondering how you were doing) and I am still convinced that you did the right thing. You KNEW intuitively that your beloved dog was in critical condition and you did what was necessary to spare him any additional pain. Sweet Olivia, that is the ultimate act of selflessness and love. I understand your grieving and that you’re missing your dear friend. And considering how gentle your heart is, I understand that you’re having trouble with your decision. However, you MUST love and trust yourself enough to accept that you did the right thing and you did it for the right reasons. Making the decision to euthanize is one of the most difficult, heart wrenching decisions we can be called upon to make. I know many people who say they love animals but are unable to make that decision and force the animal to endure needless suffering. You, gentle Olivia, acted immediately to alleviate the suffering of your beloved dog. That act and your ability to see beyond what you want and having the courage to do what is needed is to be commended, not condemned. Not even by you, sweet Olivia with the gentle heart.
Olivia, I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could find the right words to help you release the guilt. Guilt does serve a purpose in the right situation. BUT THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE SITUATIONS! It helps us to critically view our actions so we can identify areas were we should have behaved differently, gives us an opportunity to learn from our mistakes and hopefully, we don’t repeat those mistakes the next time we encounter that kind of situation. In this case, waiting would only have served to prolong the pain and suffering for your dog. Had you insisted on thousands of dollars of testing and they had come back 4 days later, telling you he was riddled with cancer and was in agony all the time, you’d be dealing with the guilt of not following your instincts to act immediately when your gut told you it was time to release him. And you’d be feeling guilty for forcing him to endure those additional days. With life and death, we just can’t escape the guilt. It’s part and parcel of that decision making process and all we can do is make the best decision we can when faced with it. I personally, follow my instincts with these decisions, as do you, and it’s the best any of us can do. I do believe we have an unseen connection with our animals and even when we’re ‘not sure’ in our own heads about whether or not it’s ‘time’, on some level, we are sure it’s time for them to go or we wouldn’t be able to form the decision and inform the Dr. I honestly think they’re communicating to us that it’s time, THEY KNOW. If it truly wasn’t time for your dog to go, your instinct would have prevented you from making the decision. You would have been too conflicted to make any decision. In those situations, it’s so much easier to say NO than to say yes, please proceed with the procedure. As humans, our natural instinct is to forestall death for ourselves and our loved ones as long as possible. It is only when we realize our loved ones are in agony that we are desperate to help them escape the pain. That is exactly what you described in your original post. You knew your dog was suffering and you were desperate to help him escape the pain. IT WAS TIME. He must have been mentally begging you to help release him and God love you for having the strength, courage and love to do just that.
Olivia, please know that you are in my and Mom’s thoughts and prayers. We are both praying that your heart is able to release the pain and guilt you’ve been carrying. You are a loving and sweet soul with a very gentle and fragile heart and my greatest wish is that you’ll find a way to extend some compassion toward yourself. You deserve to be treated kindly, with consideration and trust and I hope you are able to recognize that you deserve to be commended those traits and know that you deserve to be free of pain.
I send you a big, comforting cyber-hug and pray your gentle heart eases soon.
Please take care of yourself and forgive me for this excessively long e-mail. I truly care about you and am desperately trying to find the words that will resonate with your poor injured heart.
Peggy (the human)
Dearest Olivia,
Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping the pain in your heart has lightened. There is no need to respond to any of my posts, unless you feel you want to. I totally understand if you're too overwhelmed to take on the additional stress of replying to posts, it can be emotional and exhausting. Please do whatever you need to help yourself move forward and release the pain and any remaining guilt. Just know that there are many of us out on the web who are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers and who truly care about you.
Big cyber-hug to you, my friend.
Peggy
Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping the pain in your heart has lightened. There is no need to respond to any of my posts, unless you feel you want to. I totally understand if you're too overwhelmed to take on the additional stress of replying to posts, it can be emotional and exhausting. Please do whatever you need to help yourself move forward and release the pain and any remaining guilt. Just know that there are many of us out on the web who are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers and who truly care about you.
Big cyber-hug to you, my friend.
Peggy
Dear Olivia,
I am so very sorry that the huge monster known as Guilt is torturing you so much. Please know, from all of us on this site, that we are here to help you carry anything that is or seems too much to bear alone. Any time and every time. One thing I have learned about guilt and forgiveness is that the former can be conquered and the latter embraced. Sometimes only tiny steps work, like thinking of just one happy moment with your beloved companion. Maybe that memory is the only one you can focus on, but it's enough. Until the next moment arrives with a different little memory. Now there are two. One day there will be three good memories. Another time there will be four. Sometimes we have to make ourselves think of something "happy", but every single memory is there in your heart, aching to come out.
Another way to conquer the monster is by reading and rereading the messages you have received, on this site, perhaps other sites and everything you received on paper. These, surely, validate that the final gift you gave to the love of your life was the absolute pinnacle of love for him/her. It doesn't come easy at first, but it WILL come. It may even surprise you, probably will. But it is coming. And the Spirit that is sending the validation is the one you are missing the most right now.
You don't have to forgive yourself because there is nothing to forgive. You gave of your complete self in the most loving, compassionate, selfless act there is: releasing your buddy from pain, fear, suffering, lingering into a world of peace, love, health, freedom and joy. What better gift can any of us give to another living creature (human and otherwise)?
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Try a bit of tenderness on yourself.
Blessings.......
Bobbie
I am so very sorry that the huge monster known as Guilt is torturing you so much. Please know, from all of us on this site, that we are here to help you carry anything that is or seems too much to bear alone. Any time and every time. One thing I have learned about guilt and forgiveness is that the former can be conquered and the latter embraced. Sometimes only tiny steps work, like thinking of just one happy moment with your beloved companion. Maybe that memory is the only one you can focus on, but it's enough. Until the next moment arrives with a different little memory. Now there are two. One day there will be three good memories. Another time there will be four. Sometimes we have to make ourselves think of something "happy", but every single memory is there in your heart, aching to come out.
Another way to conquer the monster is by reading and rereading the messages you have received, on this site, perhaps other sites and everything you received on paper. These, surely, validate that the final gift you gave to the love of your life was the absolute pinnacle of love for him/her. It doesn't come easy at first, but it WILL come. It may even surprise you, probably will. But it is coming. And the Spirit that is sending the validation is the one you are missing the most right now.
You don't have to forgive yourself because there is nothing to forgive. You gave of your complete self in the most loving, compassionate, selfless act there is: releasing your buddy from pain, fear, suffering, lingering into a world of peace, love, health, freedom and joy. What better gift can any of us give to another living creature (human and otherwise)?
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Try a bit of tenderness on yourself.
Blessings.......
Bobbie
Hi Olivia!
I have to tell you, right away, that your name - Olivia - is such a beautiful name. It's also the name of our 3 year old granddaughter! Her name is Olivia Lauren. Isn't that sweet? I just had to share that with you. Thanks!
I hope that you are feeling a bit better today. Daylight seems to give me extra hope, reassurance and courage. This time of year is so good, too, because I hear so many robins singing all day long. Don't they get sore throats? I am thinking of you all day and hope that you are finding bits and pieces of hope. I know that your wonderful little girl-dog is also thinking of you with such love that she is almost bursting at the seams.
Please know that the images I describe are not meant to be silly or "funny" to make you feel better. I truly believe that all God's creatures have a place, probably completely spiritual, where they expeience all the joys, love, health and welfare that they so richly deserve. And I also firmly believe that we will be reunited with our buddies ater we pass on. I have 7 dogs and 2 canaries waiting for me and I know I will be with them again, forever. After all, spell
D-O-G backwards and that's all I need to know.
Olivia, I am here for you, as is everyone else, in anything that you need or want. Nothing is stupid or dumb or "wrong". We are people who have experienced the deepest pain(s) imaginable and, somehow, came through to another side. I know you will do that, too. And that's why I want to be here for you!
Have a peaceful night with some good sleep.
Blessings..............
Bobbie
I have to tell you, right away, that your name - Olivia - is such a beautiful name. It's also the name of our 3 year old granddaughter! Her name is Olivia Lauren. Isn't that sweet? I just had to share that with you. Thanks!
I hope that you are feeling a bit better today. Daylight seems to give me extra hope, reassurance and courage. This time of year is so good, too, because I hear so many robins singing all day long. Don't they get sore throats? I am thinking of you all day and hope that you are finding bits and pieces of hope. I know that your wonderful little girl-dog is also thinking of you with such love that she is almost bursting at the seams.
Please know that the images I describe are not meant to be silly or "funny" to make you feel better. I truly believe that all God's creatures have a place, probably completely spiritual, where they expeience all the joys, love, health and welfare that they so richly deserve. And I also firmly believe that we will be reunited with our buddies ater we pass on. I have 7 dogs and 2 canaries waiting for me and I know I will be with them again, forever. After all, spell
D-O-G backwards and that's all I need to know.
Olivia, I am here for you, as is everyone else, in anything that you need or want. Nothing is stupid or dumb or "wrong". We are people who have experienced the deepest pain(s) imaginable and, somehow, came through to another side. I know you will do that, too. And that's why I want to be here for you!
Have a peaceful night with some good sleep.
Blessings..............
Bobbie
Dear Olivia,
I hope that you are finding some peace now. I am very worried about you and hope that you are OK. I know that the pain and agony that you are experiencing doesn't make it "OK", but I hope that you are at least physically OK.
Would you mind leaving a little signal for me? I miss you.
Love,
Bobbie & Trevor
I hope that you are finding some peace now. I am very worried about you and hope that you are OK. I know that the pain and agony that you are experiencing doesn't make it "OK", but I hope that you are at least physically OK.
Would you mind leaving a little signal for me? I miss you.
Love,
Bobbie & Trevor
Hello Olivia
My heart is with you on another day you have to walk with just your footsteps to accompany you. I'll take some of your heartache today, Olivia. I'm further along this journey and have just a little strength to spare. So send some my way whenever you need to and I'll get under the load with you. If only this didn't hurt so much, but in our heart of hearts we know that we hurt because we loved them and, more importantly, they loved us SO much more. Breathe a little easier today, Olivia.
peace and deep breaths
Gretta's mom
My heart is with you on another day you have to walk with just your footsteps to accompany you. I'll take some of your heartache today, Olivia. I'm further along this journey and have just a little strength to spare. So send some my way whenever you need to and I'll get under the load with you. If only this didn't hurt so much, but in our heart of hearts we know that we hurt because we loved them and, more importantly, they loved us SO much more. Breathe a little easier today, Olivia.
peace and deep breaths
Gretta's mom
Olivia,
I am with Gretta's mom in offering my strength to help carry your tremendous burden. You are very important and need all the help we can muster, so here we are and forward we go!
Blessings.......................
Bobbie
I am with Gretta's mom in offering my strength to help carry your tremendous burden. You are very important and need all the help we can muster, so here we are and forward we go!
Blessings.......................
Bobbie
Hi, thank you so very much for the extra replies, I didn't think there would be any so didn't check again 'til now. It honestly means a lot, especially knowing that everyone is struggling with their own losses, that people take the time to post.
I know deep down that what everyone says makes sense and thank you for all that you've said.
I know I shouldn't dwell on all my guilty feelings, I think it's because of how it all just happened so fast, I just can't help going over and over everything. My dog meant the absolute WORLD to me and I always knew that one day the end would come but it was always a theoretical day far off in the future. I never in my worst nightmares thought it could happen in the way that it did - just a few short weeks of her appearing slightly unwell and the vets not really taking much notice and saying she was fine and then one awful morning being put on the spot at an emergency vets over whether to go for surgery or let her go peacefully..
And it's all the speculation afterwards. The fact that I never actually got to talk to the vet that we'd been seeing, that no tests were every actually carried out, the fact that I can never actually say for definite what was wrong with her... it just seems so insane, I always tried so hard to look after her, truth is there were probably times when I was a little overprotective of her, and it feels as if when she actually needed me to look out for her the most, is when I didn't. How can I not have ONE piece of evidence of what was wrong with her?! I'm haunted by remembering conversations with the vets where I asked for a blood test and was told that he didn't think it necessary, and two weeks later she's gone and I'm left with no concrete answers...
A lot of my guilt also has to do with the fact our last day together wasn't what it should have been. I actually hardly spent any time at all with her that day and when I did, I was telling her off for SILLY little things, - my God, if I had known.....!!! I look back at how normal she was and how stressed out I was dealing with other insignificant things and STUPIDLY not paying enough attention to her and think 'and that was our last day together?!' - she wasn't entirely herself but if someone had said 'you'll be putting her to sleep tommorrow' I would have thought they were CRAZY!!
Thank you again for all the support you've given.
I know deep down that what everyone says makes sense and thank you for all that you've said.
I know I shouldn't dwell on all my guilty feelings, I think it's because of how it all just happened so fast, I just can't help going over and over everything. My dog meant the absolute WORLD to me and I always knew that one day the end would come but it was always a theoretical day far off in the future. I never in my worst nightmares thought it could happen in the way that it did - just a few short weeks of her appearing slightly unwell and the vets not really taking much notice and saying she was fine and then one awful morning being put on the spot at an emergency vets over whether to go for surgery or let her go peacefully..
And it's all the speculation afterwards. The fact that I never actually got to talk to the vet that we'd been seeing, that no tests were every actually carried out, the fact that I can never actually say for definite what was wrong with her... it just seems so insane, I always tried so hard to look after her, truth is there were probably times when I was a little overprotective of her, and it feels as if when she actually needed me to look out for her the most, is when I didn't. How can I not have ONE piece of evidence of what was wrong with her?! I'm haunted by remembering conversations with the vets where I asked for a blood test and was told that he didn't think it necessary, and two weeks later she's gone and I'm left with no concrete answers...
A lot of my guilt also has to do with the fact our last day together wasn't what it should have been. I actually hardly spent any time at all with her that day and when I did, I was telling her off for SILLY little things, - my God, if I had known.....!!! I look back at how normal she was and how stressed out I was dealing with other insignificant things and STUPIDLY not paying enough attention to her and think 'and that was our last day together?!' - she wasn't entirely herself but if someone had said 'you'll be putting her to sleep tommorrow' I would have thought they were CRAZY!!
Thank you again for all the support you've given.
Hi Olivia!
I am so glad that you are OK. And I totally understand where you are coming from with all your questions and unknowns. That is incredibly hard when you are also trying to deal with the loss of your wonderful dog in the first place. I can relate to your questions about what was actually wrong with her and not ever knowing. The same thing happened with our last dog, Rudy. He stopped eating and we went to so many vets both here and at Unniversity of Pennsylvania Animal Hospital. He had surgery, was force fed (which I will never, ever do again), had bad teeth removed, etc. but nothing would work for more than one day. We did not have to make the sudden decision that you all had to make, but the end did come quickly. When Rudy got down to 18 pounds and could not stand by himself on our kitchen floor (we found him splayed out there one evening after coming home). We then made the decision and called our vet the next morning. Rudy passed away at home on 12/23/2009 with a very kind vet sending him on his way. To this day we have no idea what was wrong and why Rudy stopped eating everything.
I think the only answer, at least for me, is that there IS no answer. Once I could accept that things became a lot easier. The frustration I read in your post had to have been enormous and I can understand your anger for that. But please don't be angry at yourself because you did ask for tests, you did ask for lab work, you did what you could do and your buddy knows that and loves you for all that you did.
Along that same line, you know that hindsight is 20/20. It is perfect and it is so dangerous. Try to work out of the "if only" or "what if...." or "I should have done......". That is beating yourself up again. If anything, use the things you learned from caring for your amazing friend to someday help another animal, be it yours or someone else's. That will be a real gift, not only to yourself and your dog, but it brings a positive result to this whole sad event.
Olivia, what you are doing is so normal. I think we have all "been there, done that" and we understand what you are going through. Time is on your side and is the best healer. Give yourself time to take care of yourself and to build the fond memories you will always have. I am praying for you and thinking of you every day. Keep me up to date on how you are doing and how things are going. And, when you feel ready, please share with everyone the wonderful stories and name of your terrific dog.
Blessings......................
Bobbie
I am so glad that you are OK. And I totally understand where you are coming from with all your questions and unknowns. That is incredibly hard when you are also trying to deal with the loss of your wonderful dog in the first place. I can relate to your questions about what was actually wrong with her and not ever knowing. The same thing happened with our last dog, Rudy. He stopped eating and we went to so many vets both here and at Unniversity of Pennsylvania Animal Hospital. He had surgery, was force fed (which I will never, ever do again), had bad teeth removed, etc. but nothing would work for more than one day. We did not have to make the sudden decision that you all had to make, but the end did come quickly. When Rudy got down to 18 pounds and could not stand by himself on our kitchen floor (we found him splayed out there one evening after coming home). We then made the decision and called our vet the next morning. Rudy passed away at home on 12/23/2009 with a very kind vet sending him on his way. To this day we have no idea what was wrong and why Rudy stopped eating everything.
I think the only answer, at least for me, is that there IS no answer. Once I could accept that things became a lot easier. The frustration I read in your post had to have been enormous and I can understand your anger for that. But please don't be angry at yourself because you did ask for tests, you did ask for lab work, you did what you could do and your buddy knows that and loves you for all that you did.
Along that same line, you know that hindsight is 20/20. It is perfect and it is so dangerous. Try to work out of the "if only" or "what if...." or "I should have done......". That is beating yourself up again. If anything, use the things you learned from caring for your amazing friend to someday help another animal, be it yours or someone else's. That will be a real gift, not only to yourself and your dog, but it brings a positive result to this whole sad event.
Olivia, what you are doing is so normal. I think we have all "been there, done that" and we understand what you are going through. Time is on your side and is the best healer. Give yourself time to take care of yourself and to build the fond memories you will always have. I am praying for you and thinking of you every day. Keep me up to date on how you are doing and how things are going. And, when you feel ready, please share with everyone the wonderful stories and name of your terrific dog.
Blessings......................
Bobbie
Hi, Olivia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Our forum friend Bobbie has so compassionately shared with you everything in my heart, and so I wish to echo her words of wisdom to you. This grief adjustment journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one minute at a time journey. During the deep grief we can begin to wonder if we will EVER feel "alive" again. I assure you, Olivia, one day, perhaps when you least expect it, you WILL begin to feel alive again - - the seering pain that is in your heart now will lessen, and you will begin to be able to remember your precious companion with a happy heart. But this just takes time, Olivia, healing time - - which can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time.
AND knowing each step of your journey that you are NOT alone - - not ever. Each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you, Olivia, with every step you take in your journey.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Olivia, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
AND knowing each step of your journey that you are NOT alone - - not ever. Each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you, Olivia, with every step you take in your journey.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Olivia, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hello Olivia
Just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you today and every day. I hope your heart has eased a tiny bit, even if it's only 1/10000 of a percent. Remember one thing: we are here for you - forever. You're part of our Lightning Strike family. Don't feel like there is some obligation or expectation about posting. Some of us do a lot of writing on the site - because we have things - like tears - in our hearts and it helps us to try to help others. Some of us just can't write because, like you, they dissolve into tears. But no one gets lost. We're your Lightning Strike gang and you're stuck with us ( :) ).
Your story about your last day together really pierced my heart. I was so like Gretta and my last day. She'd been slowing down for some time (no joke - at 13) and starting to limp on a troublesome right front shoulder. Denial is powerful, so I was kind of irritated when a woman we see every morning said, "Oh, you're limping like me." Right away my heart said, no she's not! We went around our usual two blocks and 5 AM and went back to sleep. At 10 AM (it was a Saturday) we walked around just one block and she was just barely walking - ever so slowly. By 3 PM she coldn't walk at all - just stand. I had a neighbor help me get her into the car and sped off to the U of MN Vet School - didn't want to go to one of those storefront e-vets. They examined her and said she has some kind of cervical spine problem and a bunch of other things I can't remember (thankfully). I was too scared to take her home - I knew I couldn't cope with her pain and semi-paralysis so, chicken that I am, I asked if they could keep her overnight. How could I know that that would be our last day together? And I hadn't done a thing special for her. Then I'd turned around and left her alone, in pain, in a hospital. That's still very hard to think about. They did some x-rays and gave her some neuro meds but she didn't improve. Mid morning the next day the senior vet called and told me that and told me that she hadn't voided yet. I knew that was a life-threatening symptom. The vet talked about a MRI and surgery and at that instant I knew it was time. Gretta was most DEFINITELY not going to have surgery! I asked the vet if she thought it was time. She, discreetly, said that was a possibility (which means yes in Minnesota nice). I raced over to the vet school and they were going to put her to sleep in a cubicle. I said no, there had to be a room, at least an exam room for that. They did then put us into the "comfort room" and lifted Gretta into my arms. I did what everyone who has been loved by their soulmate - held her, told her I loved her, sobbed my guts out and finally told the doctor to go ahead. She breathed twice in my arms and then went peacefully away. After they' put her in the wagon and covered her, I asked to see her face one more time. It's going to be a long time before that image goes away! Letting my best friend spend her last night alone and in pain - great mom, eh?
Half of my mind tells me that I did the best I could. Surely they weren't about to let me sleep in an animal hospital and I'm just going to have to face the fact that I lacked the courage to bring her home. Our spirit-animals know WAY more than we do and arrange things in a particular way both coming and going. Like Gretta crashing in one day - on a weekend, when I was in town - sparing me the experience of wondering "Is today the right day?" and "Did I do the right thing?" (Like any day is the right day, eh?)
I've told you my story to help both you and me. Me, because there are still so many tears inside me that need to come out. You, in that as the Good Book says, we never know the day or the hour. If we did, wouldn't we go out and buy a lottery ticket b/c for sure it would be the winning one if we could tell the future?
My best good thoughts and prayers and cyber-hugs are coming your way today, Olivia. Breathe deeply and see if you can catch them.
Your new friend,
Gretta's mom
Just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you today and every day. I hope your heart has eased a tiny bit, even if it's only 1/10000 of a percent. Remember one thing: we are here for you - forever. You're part of our Lightning Strike family. Don't feel like there is some obligation or expectation about posting. Some of us do a lot of writing on the site - because we have things - like tears - in our hearts and it helps us to try to help others. Some of us just can't write because, like you, they dissolve into tears. But no one gets lost. We're your Lightning Strike gang and you're stuck with us ( :) ).
Your story about your last day together really pierced my heart. I was so like Gretta and my last day. She'd been slowing down for some time (no joke - at 13) and starting to limp on a troublesome right front shoulder. Denial is powerful, so I was kind of irritated when a woman we see every morning said, "Oh, you're limping like me." Right away my heart said, no she's not! We went around our usual two blocks and 5 AM and went back to sleep. At 10 AM (it was a Saturday) we walked around just one block and she was just barely walking - ever so slowly. By 3 PM she coldn't walk at all - just stand. I had a neighbor help me get her into the car and sped off to the U of MN Vet School - didn't want to go to one of those storefront e-vets. They examined her and said she has some kind of cervical spine problem and a bunch of other things I can't remember (thankfully). I was too scared to take her home - I knew I couldn't cope with her pain and semi-paralysis so, chicken that I am, I asked if they could keep her overnight. How could I know that that would be our last day together? And I hadn't done a thing special for her. Then I'd turned around and left her alone, in pain, in a hospital. That's still very hard to think about. They did some x-rays and gave her some neuro meds but she didn't improve. Mid morning the next day the senior vet called and told me that and told me that she hadn't voided yet. I knew that was a life-threatening symptom. The vet talked about a MRI and surgery and at that instant I knew it was time. Gretta was most DEFINITELY not going to have surgery! I asked the vet if she thought it was time. She, discreetly, said that was a possibility (which means yes in Minnesota nice). I raced over to the vet school and they were going to put her to sleep in a cubicle. I said no, there had to be a room, at least an exam room for that. They did then put us into the "comfort room" and lifted Gretta into my arms. I did what everyone who has been loved by their soulmate - held her, told her I loved her, sobbed my guts out and finally told the doctor to go ahead. She breathed twice in my arms and then went peacefully away. After they' put her in the wagon and covered her, I asked to see her face one more time. It's going to be a long time before that image goes away! Letting my best friend spend her last night alone and in pain - great mom, eh?
Half of my mind tells me that I did the best I could. Surely they weren't about to let me sleep in an animal hospital and I'm just going to have to face the fact that I lacked the courage to bring her home. Our spirit-animals know WAY more than we do and arrange things in a particular way both coming and going. Like Gretta crashing in one day - on a weekend, when I was in town - sparing me the experience of wondering "Is today the right day?" and "Did I do the right thing?" (Like any day is the right day, eh?)
I've told you my story to help both you and me. Me, because there are still so many tears inside me that need to come out. You, in that as the Good Book says, we never know the day or the hour. If we did, wouldn't we go out and buy a lottery ticket b/c for sure it would be the winning one if we could tell the future?
My best good thoughts and prayers and cyber-hugs are coming your way today, Olivia. Breathe deeply and see if you can catch them.
Your new friend,
Gretta's mom
hello olivia
I have only been on this site a few days but felt I had to post to let you know I am thinking of you. I too am going through a terrible time at the moment and keep forgetting that there are other wonderful people in this world who are going through the same as me. I am so wrapped up in myself at the moment that I thought I would think of someone else and that is why i am posting,.
Please read the posts on here espcially from moonbeam , gretta mum and peggys mum and all the other wonderful kind people. Even though they cannot take the pain away , they and I are all here for you. I'm afraid i am not as elequont with my words as the others but i appreciate what everyone is saying.
I am sending you cyber hugs from england
denise
******
I have only been on this site a few days but felt I had to post to let you know I am thinking of you. I too am going through a terrible time at the moment and keep forgetting that there are other wonderful people in this world who are going through the same as me. I am so wrapped up in myself at the moment that I thought I would think of someone else and that is why i am posting,.
Please read the posts on here espcially from moonbeam , gretta mum and peggys mum and all the other wonderful kind people. Even though they cannot take the pain away , they and I are all here for you. I'm afraid i am not as elequont with my words as the others but i appreciate what everyone is saying.
I am sending you cyber hugs from england
denise
******
sorry, I just read it all back and it's such an incoherent mess!
Hi, Olivia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. As the angel-versaries approach it is very normal for the grief of not having our beloved companions physically with us - - of not having your beloved companion physically with you - - to once again raise questions and profound sadness that continue on in our hearts.
It is perfectly natural - - and necessary -- for us to have trust in the veterinary physicians who are taking care of our furkids. It sounds to me that the veterinary practitioners profoundly betrayed this trust, and you made decisions on behalf of your beloved companion based on the information, and the lack thereof, that was given to you. Each of these practitioners have "moved on" in their professional careers, but YOU are still having to cope through the consequences of THEIR inconsistent treatment.
I am not a veterinarian or a vet tech, but from what you describe when you took her to the ER hospital, it is highly suspicious that some form of cancer - - and a highly invasive and aggressive one at that - - was involved. The option of removing her spleen MIGHT HAVE given her some temporary relief and offered the both of you a little more time together, or she MIGHT HAVE succumbed during the surgery. When there is bleeding in the abdomen, and an abdominal tap is the fastest and very accurate way to diagnosis hemorrhaging, the diagnosis is very grim. And when it comes to hemorrhaging a decision needs to be made quickly. You took into consideration your beloved companion's age and everything that she had gone through just to get to the point she was at that specific time, and you made the most loving decision you could to spare her further pain and suffering by compassionately easing her journey homeward to the angels.
It is obvious beyond all shadow of a doubt that you love your beloved companion with all your heart, mind, soul, and body, and did everything in your power to ensure that she received proper treatment and good nutrition to have a happy and healthy life. Unfortunately it does seem that cancer appears "suddenly out of nowhere" with our beloved companions because they are master artists at disguising how badly they are feeling until they just can't do that anymore. And by that time, the tumor(s) are appearing and the treatment options - - depending on the type of cancer - - become very limited. I have lots of experience with this very sad reality.
"I want to just be grateful for all the love and happiness we shared, but even when I think of that, the thought of 'and you just threw all that away in twenty minutes...' keeps intruding."
Olivia, this is the grief guilt that is tormenting your heart and mind. YOU DID NOT THROW YOUR BELOVED COMPANION AWAY at the ER hospital. If anything, as hard as it is for you to understand with all the confusion you and your beloved companion went through the preceding weeks, you probably made the only and very best decision for your beloved companion - - to release her from her physically failing body. You DID NOT abandon her. Of course the uncertainty of everything still has you very confused and upset - - and rightfully so.
So, how can you begin the process of getting at least some of your questions answered. First and foremost you are entitled to have a copy of your companion's records. So, I would like to encourage you to get a copy of them with the DETAILED NOTES of both the veterinarian and vet tech. Since everything is stored on computers now there shouldn't be any problem. You are also entitled to place an inquiry with your local / State veternary licensing association about the treatment your beloved companion did and did not receive - - and this goes for the ER vet as well if you wish to include her. Try to get the records from the ER hospital as well. There is a Statute of Limitations involved with legal issues, so you may want to check into this by visiting your State's website to find out the procedures for placing an inquiry.
It is YOUR right to have your questions answered. You may need to seek the advice of a Veterinary Forensic Pathologist to try to get answers, if this is the route you would want to go. And if need be, you can seek the advice of an attorney. Most attorney's allow one free consultation.
Of course none of this will change what happened to your beloved companion, BUT she does know how upset you have been with the questions, and wants you to try to find some peace in your heart and mind about what happened. If having your beloved companion's medical records reviewed can help do this, then I encourage you to follow through with getting this as best as possible.
I need to caution you about what you read on the internet. Yes, the internet is filled with LOTS of good information and helpful advice - - BUT - - life does not always permit the scenarios "recommended". Some of what you are reading are "best case scenarios" - - which, sadly, you and your beloved companion were NOT having access to - - and MAY NOT HAVE changed the outcome. So, please don't compare the circumstances you and your beloved companion experienced with what you read on the internet.
"My family and friends think it ludicrous that I'm still thinking about it, that I should have long gotten over it by now, but they just don't understand."
Olivia, I truly wish there were some words I could offer you that would take this seering pain from your heart and soul, but I know there are no adequate words in any language that can do this. Please do not worry about what "others" may think - - what is important is what YOU think and how YOU feel. Unfortunately most people, even those who are physically closest to us, do not understand the eternal love bond that is formed with our beloved companions, and their insensitivity and impatience only adds to our burden of grief. I assure you, Olivia, that each of us here DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.
Olivia, I hope and pray that you will find some comfort, encouragement, and support in the words I have written to you, and in what our forum friends will write as well. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
It is perfectly natural - - and necessary -- for us to have trust in the veterinary physicians who are taking care of our furkids. It sounds to me that the veterinary practitioners profoundly betrayed this trust, and you made decisions on behalf of your beloved companion based on the information, and the lack thereof, that was given to you. Each of these practitioners have "moved on" in their professional careers, but YOU are still having to cope through the consequences of THEIR inconsistent treatment.
I am not a veterinarian or a vet tech, but from what you describe when you took her to the ER hospital, it is highly suspicious that some form of cancer - - and a highly invasive and aggressive one at that - - was involved. The option of removing her spleen MIGHT HAVE given her some temporary relief and offered the both of you a little more time together, or she MIGHT HAVE succumbed during the surgery. When there is bleeding in the abdomen, and an abdominal tap is the fastest and very accurate way to diagnosis hemorrhaging, the diagnosis is very grim. And when it comes to hemorrhaging a decision needs to be made quickly. You took into consideration your beloved companion's age and everything that she had gone through just to get to the point she was at that specific time, and you made the most loving decision you could to spare her further pain and suffering by compassionately easing her journey homeward to the angels.
It is obvious beyond all shadow of a doubt that you love your beloved companion with all your heart, mind, soul, and body, and did everything in your power to ensure that she received proper treatment and good nutrition to have a happy and healthy life. Unfortunately it does seem that cancer appears "suddenly out of nowhere" with our beloved companions because they are master artists at disguising how badly they are feeling until they just can't do that anymore. And by that time, the tumor(s) are appearing and the treatment options - - depending on the type of cancer - - become very limited. I have lots of experience with this very sad reality.
"I want to just be grateful for all the love and happiness we shared, but even when I think of that, the thought of 'and you just threw all that away in twenty minutes...' keeps intruding."
Olivia, this is the grief guilt that is tormenting your heart and mind. YOU DID NOT THROW YOUR BELOVED COMPANION AWAY at the ER hospital. If anything, as hard as it is for you to understand with all the confusion you and your beloved companion went through the preceding weeks, you probably made the only and very best decision for your beloved companion - - to release her from her physically failing body. You DID NOT abandon her. Of course the uncertainty of everything still has you very confused and upset - - and rightfully so.
So, how can you begin the process of getting at least some of your questions answered. First and foremost you are entitled to have a copy of your companion's records. So, I would like to encourage you to get a copy of them with the DETAILED NOTES of both the veterinarian and vet tech. Since everything is stored on computers now there shouldn't be any problem. You are also entitled to place an inquiry with your local / State veternary licensing association about the treatment your beloved companion did and did not receive - - and this goes for the ER vet as well if you wish to include her. Try to get the records from the ER hospital as well. There is a Statute of Limitations involved with legal issues, so you may want to check into this by visiting your State's website to find out the procedures for placing an inquiry.
It is YOUR right to have your questions answered. You may need to seek the advice of a Veterinary Forensic Pathologist to try to get answers, if this is the route you would want to go. And if need be, you can seek the advice of an attorney. Most attorney's allow one free consultation.
Of course none of this will change what happened to your beloved companion, BUT she does know how upset you have been with the questions, and wants you to try to find some peace in your heart and mind about what happened. If having your beloved companion's medical records reviewed can help do this, then I encourage you to follow through with getting this as best as possible.
I need to caution you about what you read on the internet. Yes, the internet is filled with LOTS of good information and helpful advice - - BUT - - life does not always permit the scenarios "recommended". Some of what you are reading are "best case scenarios" - - which, sadly, you and your beloved companion were NOT having access to - - and MAY NOT HAVE changed the outcome. So, please don't compare the circumstances you and your beloved companion experienced with what you read on the internet.
"My family and friends think it ludicrous that I'm still thinking about it, that I should have long gotten over it by now, but they just don't understand."
Olivia, I truly wish there were some words I could offer you that would take this seering pain from your heart and soul, but I know there are no adequate words in any language that can do this. Please do not worry about what "others" may think - - what is important is what YOU think and how YOU feel. Unfortunately most people, even those who are physically closest to us, do not understand the eternal love bond that is formed with our beloved companions, and their insensitivity and impatience only adds to our burden of grief. I assure you, Olivia, that each of us here DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.
Olivia, I hope and pray that you will find some comfort, encouragement, and support in the words I have written to you, and in what our forum friends will write as well. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Thank you very much for your reply moon_beam, it means alot that someone else understands and that you don't just dimiss my feelings. I am unable to reply properly at the moment, but just wanted to thank you for your post.
Hello Olivia
Something Moonbeam quoted from one of your posts (I can't find it but that doeesn't matter) ripped my heart in two. It was your question, Why did I throw her (all that) away in twenty minutes?
Oh, dear Olivia, you most definitely did NOT throw her away!! You did everything you could and more for her. As Moonbeam and others have said, animals are experts at hiding sickness and pain. It's a holdover from ancient times when only the well survived. We humans interpret thair actions as if it were a person who had the symptoms. Malaise, lack of appetite for a day or two -- it's a passing, almost nothing, thing in humans. By the time animals show there signs, they're SICK!! When a medical emergeency develops suddenly and you have to deal with your heart shrieking "No, This can't be happeneing. Please just make her well", and the professionals, no matter how good they are, are using technical language (or else language so simple it's content-free) and you have only a split second to decide - instinct DOES take over. And the instinct of one who has been found and loved by her soul's other half - like you and your doggie - is ALWAYS made of pure love. Nobody threw anybody away. You made the hardest decision you may ever have to make in your life - you chose to take on the unknowable heartbreak of physical separation for YOURSELF so that you soul-animal could be free from suffering and sickness. Olivia, she's "made it" to the Perfect World. My vet said about my Gretta, "She's in a safe place now." (Even after almost five months these words still break my heart.) We're doing the suffering now. No, not physical, but heartwise. One author put it that animals who have passed are only a breath away - and I think that's true. They can see us even if we can't see them (and that's what hurts A LOT!!). They're guiding us and watching out for us - so that our steps don't go astray - and loving us and being loved by us - exactly as when they were on earth. I just know that our two doggies are up in that Perfect World stretching out, yawning, and telling stories about their wonderful "moms".
With love and care,
Gretta's mom
Something Moonbeam quoted from one of your posts (I can't find it but that doeesn't matter) ripped my heart in two. It was your question, Why did I throw her (all that) away in twenty minutes?
Oh, dear Olivia, you most definitely did NOT throw her away!! You did everything you could and more for her. As Moonbeam and others have said, animals are experts at hiding sickness and pain. It's a holdover from ancient times when only the well survived. We humans interpret thair actions as if it were a person who had the symptoms. Malaise, lack of appetite for a day or two -- it's a passing, almost nothing, thing in humans. By the time animals show there signs, they're SICK!! When a medical emergeency develops suddenly and you have to deal with your heart shrieking "No, This can't be happeneing. Please just make her well", and the professionals, no matter how good they are, are using technical language (or else language so simple it's content-free) and you have only a split second to decide - instinct DOES take over. And the instinct of one who has been found and loved by her soul's other half - like you and your doggie - is ALWAYS made of pure love. Nobody threw anybody away. You made the hardest decision you may ever have to make in your life - you chose to take on the unknowable heartbreak of physical separation for YOURSELF so that you soul-animal could be free from suffering and sickness. Olivia, she's "made it" to the Perfect World. My vet said about my Gretta, "She's in a safe place now." (Even after almost five months these words still break my heart.) We're doing the suffering now. No, not physical, but heartwise. One author put it that animals who have passed are only a breath away - and I think that's true. They can see us even if we can't see them (and that's what hurts A LOT!!). They're guiding us and watching out for us - so that our steps don't go astray - and loving us and being loved by us - exactly as when they were on earth. I just know that our two doggies are up in that Perfect World stretching out, yawning, and telling stories about their wonderful "moms".
With love and care,
Gretta's mom
QUOTE (olivia @ Aug 21 2011, 06:20 AM) 
Hi, thank you moon_beam and Gretta's mom for your replies. They truly are like lifelines at this moment in time.
I just feel sooo emotionally exhausted all the time. I have moments when I still truly can't believe she's gone. I can't believe what happened. All I want is to reverse time and do everything differently. She was the absolute LIGHT of my life and I miss her so, so much! I know I was the luckiest person on earth to have known her, and sometimes I tell myself out loud 'don't be selfish!' when I'm crying and fuming in my head about 'what I should have done, should not have done', because at the end of the day, all that matters is HER.
If that was TRULY how it was supposed to end, if it was really her time to leave - I could maybe learn to accept it. But it's the constant doubt and guilt that it wasn't, that it was all preventable and that she is actually supposed to still be here now, that I robbed us both of time spent together... it just seemed to come out of nowhere - I feel like what was the point of me taking her to the vets for a month when they never actually did their job and find out what was wrong with her, and then the way they didn't even seem to care afterwards just felt like they were digging the knife in...and to realise that I had misunderstood the emergency vet, that what she was saying was just theoretical....
It's as if there's this divide within me. My heart just misses her and just wants to know that she's okay and my brain is just OBSESSED with trying to work out what happened - wanting to know the facts of it, which I can't do because it's too late now. I know that I was not prepared to lose her so suddenly, but if she was ready to go, then it would all be alright. But the fact that all the information is so contradictory and constantly reading how euthanasia should be a decision thought about carefully and with all the facts... I didn't even SAY anything to her when she... - I was so distraught and in shock.
More than anything in the world, I just want to have done right by her. I just want her to be alright.... I used to be quite a spiritual person, but since all this happened, I find myself questioning everything... I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, I want to believe she's in a better place and that my actions didn't harm her, but... I just don't know anymore.
Her very essence was one of love and loyalty and it's just so hard not to feel as if I betrayed her through my ignorance and lack of foresight. I feel so responsible for her death, when I was the one who was supposed to take care of her! I ask every day out loud for her to be happy and at peace, because that's all I want...
I just feel sooo emotionally exhausted all the time. I have moments when I still truly can't believe she's gone. I can't believe what happened. All I want is to reverse time and do everything differently. She was the absolute LIGHT of my life and I miss her so, so much! I know I was the luckiest person on earth to have known her, and sometimes I tell myself out loud 'don't be selfish!' when I'm crying and fuming in my head about 'what I should have done, should not have done', because at the end of the day, all that matters is HER.
If that was TRULY how it was supposed to end, if it was really her time to leave - I could maybe learn to accept it. But it's the constant doubt and guilt that it wasn't, that it was all preventable and that she is actually supposed to still be here now, that I robbed us both of time spent together... it just seemed to come out of nowhere - I feel like what was the point of me taking her to the vets for a month when they never actually did their job and find out what was wrong with her, and then the way they didn't even seem to care afterwards just felt like they were digging the knife in...and to realise that I had misunderstood the emergency vet, that what she was saying was just theoretical....
It's as if there's this divide within me. My heart just misses her and just wants to know that she's okay and my brain is just OBSESSED with trying to work out what happened - wanting to know the facts of it, which I can't do because it's too late now. I know that I was not prepared to lose her so suddenly, but if she was ready to go, then it would all be alright. But the fact that all the information is so contradictory and constantly reading how euthanasia should be a decision thought about carefully and with all the facts... I didn't even SAY anything to her when she... - I was so distraught and in shock.
More than anything in the world, I just want to have done right by her. I just want her to be alright.... I used to be quite a spiritual person, but since all this happened, I find myself questioning everything... I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, I want to believe she's in a better place and that my actions didn't harm her, but... I just don't know anymore.
Her very essence was one of love and loyalty and it's just so hard not to feel as if I betrayed her through my ignorance and lack of foresight. I feel so responsible for her death, when I was the one who was supposed to take care of her! I ask every day out loud for her to be happy and at peace, because that's all I want...
QUOTE (olivia @ Aug 21 2011, 06:20 AM)
Hi, thank you moon_beam and Gretta's mom for your replies. They truly are like lifelines at this moment in time.
I just feel sooo emotionally exhausted all the time. I have moments when I still truly can't believe she's gone. I can't believe what happened. All I want is to reverse time and do everything differently. She was the absolute LIGHT of my life and I miss her so, so much! I know I was the luckiest person on earth to have known her, and sometimes I tell myself out loud 'don't be selfish!' when I'm crying and fuming in my head about 'what I should have done, should not have done', because at the end of the day, all that matters is HER.
If that was TRULY how it was supposed to end, if it was really her time to leave - I could maybe learn to accept it. But it's the constant doubt and guilt that it wasn't, that it was all preventable and that she is actually supposed to still be here now, that I robbed us both of time spent together... it just seemed to come out of nowhere - I feel like what was the point of me taking her to the vets for a month when they never actually did their job and find out what was wrong with her, and then the way they didn't even seem to care afterwards just felt like they were digging the knife in...and to realise that I had misunderstood the emergency vet, that what she was saying was just theoretical....
It's as if there's this divide within me. My heart just misses her and just wants to know that she's okay and my brain is just OBSESSED with trying to work out what happened - wanting to know the facts of it, which I can't do because it's too late now. I know that I was not prepared to lose her so suddenly, but if she was ready to go, then it would all be alright. But the fact that all the information is so contradictory and constantly reading how euthanasia should be a decision thought about carefully and with all the facts... I didn't even SAY anything to her when she... - I was so distraught and in shock.
More than anything in the world, I just want to have done right by her. I just want her to be alright.... I used to be quite a spiritual person, but since all this happened, I find myself questioning everything... I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, I want to believe she's in a better place and that my actions didn't harm her, but... I just don't know anymore.
Her very essence was one of love and loyalty and it's just so hard not to feel as if I betrayed her through my ignorance and lack of foresight. I feel so responsible for her death, when I was the one who was supposed to take care of her! I ask every day out loud for her to be happy and at peace, because that's all I want...
I just feel sooo emotionally exhausted all the time. I have moments when I still truly can't believe she's gone. I can't believe what happened. All I want is to reverse time and do everything differently. She was the absolute LIGHT of my life and I miss her so, so much! I know I was the luckiest person on earth to have known her, and sometimes I tell myself out loud 'don't be selfish!' when I'm crying and fuming in my head about 'what I should have done, should not have done', because at the end of the day, all that matters is HER.
If that was TRULY how it was supposed to end, if it was really her time to leave - I could maybe learn to accept it. But it's the constant doubt and guilt that it wasn't, that it was all preventable and that she is actually supposed to still be here now, that I robbed us both of time spent together... it just seemed to come out of nowhere - I feel like what was the point of me taking her to the vets for a month when they never actually did their job and find out what was wrong with her, and then the way they didn't even seem to care afterwards just felt like they were digging the knife in...and to realise that I had misunderstood the emergency vet, that what she was saying was just theoretical....
It's as if there's this divide within me. My heart just misses her and just wants to know that she's okay and my brain is just OBSESSED with trying to work out what happened - wanting to know the facts of it, which I can't do because it's too late now. I know that I was not prepared to lose her so suddenly, but if she was ready to go, then it would all be alright. But the fact that all the information is so contradictory and constantly reading how euthanasia should be a decision thought about carefully and with all the facts... I didn't even SAY anything to her when she... - I was so distraught and in shock.
More than anything in the world, I just want to have done right by her. I just want her to be alright.... I used to be quite a spiritual person, but since all this happened, I find myself questioning everything... I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, I want to believe she's in a better place and that my actions didn't harm her, but... I just don't know anymore.
Her very essence was one of love and loyalty and it's just so hard not to feel as if I betrayed her through my ignorance and lack of foresight. I feel so responsible for her death, when I was the one who was supposed to take care of her! I ask every day out loud for her to be happy and at peace, because that's all I want...
So sorry about your loss. I seem to know what you are feeling. Years ago I lost my first wife to suicide and I seemed
to muster up the fortitude to heal and move on. Just Friday afternoon my 15 year-old male cat suddenly had trouble breathing and just died. I was so close to him all his years. I am devastated and cannot stop crying every hour or two.
The feeling of not being able to talk to him or tell him I love him just makes me feel lost. I guess with people we understand our fate and we understand about those we leave behind. But with these innocent creatures there is no certainty of what they can grasp. We just hope that there is a good God whose love for them is infinitely greater than ours and that our beloved creature truly is in a heavenly place. I just hope I can be with him again some day. Until then there is a large void. I am thankful for every single moment I had with him because he gave me so much.
QUOTE (milani @ Aug 21 2011, 12:09 PM)
So sorry about your loss. I seem to know what you are feeling. Years ago I lost my first wife to suicide and I seemed
to muster up the fortitude to heal and move on. Just Friday afternoon my 15 year-old male cat suddenly had trouble breathing and just died. I was so close to him all his years. I am devastated and cannot stop crying every hour or two.
The feeling of not being able to talk to him or tell him I love him just makes me feel lost.
to muster up the fortitude to heal and move on. Just Friday afternoon my 15 year-old male cat suddenly had trouble breathing and just died. I was so close to him all his years. I am devastated and cannot stop crying every hour or two.
The feeling of not being able to talk to him or tell him I love him just makes me feel lost.
I'm sorry for your losses too milani.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.