Hello everyone! I am new here, & while this is a tough forum to be on I am glad I found it. I'm having a hard time reading the threads ---tears tears tears ---but I am getting through them slowly.

We are going to have to put down our beloved 15 year old tabby soon --& it is KILLING me.

Jake & Elwood came to us --litter mates --when they were 7 weeks old. 8 years ago Jake developed diabetes. Many trips to the vet to get him regulated --for about 6 months & then they discontinued his insulin. Had to start over --more trips to the vet (& he is NOT a good traveler!) -- got him regulated somewhat. Then I found a terrific forum for feline diabetes. I learned about testing before each shot. So --to add to the 2 sticks a day of insulin --I started sticking his ear twice a day. All I had to do is say "Come here Jake" & he would come sit on my lap, all ready to be poked. Even purring. So sweet.

He definitely got the short end of the stick. He's had a urinary blockage --- an abscess on his chin --- & last year a liver issue.At that time they suggested putting him down, but I took fluids home & gave him some meds & he totally turned around. Even the vet was shocked that he made a full recovery.

Now he's dwindled from his high 22 lbs to just 8. He's developed neuropathy from the diabetes & can barely see. A few days ago he started not putting his butt all the way down when peeing --- so we bought a mat to put under the box. Now, yesterday, I saw him pee outside of his litter box. He has never ever done that. I think that is my sign. I'm trying to get a urine sample to take to the vet, hoping it's just a bladder infection. But deep down I know this is it. I can't stop crying. I was crying at work all day yesterday --- & we haven't even done it yet. I feel like I can't. These are my first pets ever. I had a dog & 3 cats growing up --but the health issues & decisions were that of my parents. I had a hard time losing my dog --I was only 13 --but all the cats died after I left the house & it just wasn't as hard.

I feel like I am always going to cry. My kids don't know life without Jake. We've never had just one cat. And his poor brother Elwood --he will be lost. Every time he cries for Jake I will lose it. I will never get over losing him.

I lost my dad 8 years ago --just 2 months before Jake developed the diabetes -- at the young age of 57. Of course it was tragic & I had a hard time for a LONG time --& of course I still cry. But I think it's the innocence of animals that I can't cope with --every time Jake looks at me & meows while purring, I feel horrible.

Ok, I am bawling now -- I will wake up with puffy eyes once again tomorrow.

I do look forward to getting to know everyone -- & I'm hoping you all can help me work through the grief that has started before he is even gone

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

Thank you for sharing with us. The pain of knowing that euthanasia is quickly approaching is intense. I went through that with a dog years ago. And I am most familiar with the constant trips to the vet trying to get an animal companion stable.

Letting the tears flow helps to wash away the pain, even thought it may seem endless at this point. Please trust that we will be here for you each step of the way, and try to take it one day at a time for now. My heart shares your pain.

Hope you will continue to let us know how you are doing.
With peace and prayers,
Juturna

Michelle -

My heart goes out to you. If you read my posts you know I I lost my dearest Thomas to diabetes. Like your baby he also had to be checked regularly and was fine for a while. He also had the "going outside the litter box" issues (read my current post) There are members here FAR better qualified than me to offer hope and condolences, but I just wanted to say that I feel your loos and hope that he and my Tom and others meet up on the Rainbow Bridge. Take care.

Dear Michelle,

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. You're experiencing anticipatory grief now and this is every bit as painful and real as the grief that follows. What a lucky boy Jake is to have found you (and vice versa). He has been through a lot; but you have been there for him, caring for him and loving him every step of the way. He is forever grateful for this. Michelle, it has been said that euthanasia is the last gift of love and kindess that we can give our babies. I know it will be so difficult for you, but I truly believe you will know in your heart when the time is right, and you will do the right thing for your precious Jake.

I'm so pleased you have found this forum (though sorry that you've had to). It is important that you don't feel alone. We are all here for you every step of the way.

Please take care of yourself and keep us updated on the situation. I will be thinking of you.

Cheryl xx

Hi, Michelle, please permit me to add my sincerest empathy for the illness of your precious Jake - - which is leading you to the inevitable event of easing his journey to the angels.

Unfortunately there is no easy way through this journey, Michelle. It doesn't matter if it's our first, fifth, tenth, - - or fiftieth - - or thousandth - - the deep grief we feel in our hearts both when we realize that our earthly journey with them is now drawing to a close as well as when they finally precede us to the angels is excruciatingly painful - - both emotionally and physically.

Michelle, please know the goal of this grief journey, both now and later, is one of "adjustment" - - not "getting over" the physical loss of your beloved Jake. "Getting over" implies forgetting, moving on without - - as though your beloved Jake never existed. I assure you, Michelle, that your precious Jake is FOREVER with you, for the love bond you have shared with him during his earthly journey with you is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your precious Jake is forever bonded to you in your heart and memories that even the dimming of the mind with age cannot ever take away from you.

Michelle, as Juturna, Tom's Dad, and Cheryl have already so compassionately shared with you, I add my words of encouragement to you as well: Please know you are not alone in this journey. Each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you with every step you and your precious Jake take in this journey. Some people think that suppressing the tears and the grief helps to make the deep sorrow easier to bear. Clinical studies have proven, though, that suppressed grief and sorrow only intensifies these feelings and can actually inflict both physical and emotional illnesses. So, let the tears flow, Michelle. They are healing tears - - literally, for they cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grief and sorrow. I know it feels now, and will feel later on, as though the tears will never end, but I assure you, Michelle, this deep grief will pass - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

Michelle, thank you so much for sharing your precious Jake with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Today is the day --- I knew when I got up & he was on the floor, pile of poo near him. He couldn't make it. I am in tears. I called in to work & have to take my kids to school then will be calling my vet. Unfortunately my friend the vet, the one that was going to come to our house, is on vacation till Thursday. We definitely can't wait that long.

I am writing this through tears I have never known before.

Hi Michelle,

I am so sorry... my heart sank when I read this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Rhapsedy

Michelle, I'm so sorry, I know this must be so incredibly difficult for you. I believe you know in your heart that it is your precious Jake's time to join the angels, and it is incredibly brave of you to help him in his transition. Give him lot's of kisses, tell him once again that you love him (though he already knows), and tell him that you will see him again when it is your appropriate time to join him with the angels. Until this time comes, I truly believe that he will be watching over you, with you always.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers, Michelle.

Sending you virtual hugs and strength -- Cheryl xx

Hi, Michelle, thank you so much for letting us know that today is Jake's day to join the angels. Like Cheryl and Rhaphsedy have already said, I, too, know how incredibly difficult this day is going to be for you, even though you know in your heart that this is the right decision for Jake.

Please know we are here for you, Michelle, every step of your journey now, for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I have never cried so hard in my life I can't stop -- I feel like I will never stop. It was so hard. My husband & my mom & my aunt were with me --- we had it done at the Humane Society since my aunt has been part of it for years. The director himself did it. He was so nice.

So now I'm home & his fur is on my clothes & the spot where he always slobbered on my laptop is still there --I have to clean up his bed & food bowl & I can't bring myself to do it. I have to go get my kids from school soon, & even though they knew it was happening & they said goodbye ---it will be hard walking in this house with no Jake. I keep hearing his meows. He was so good --- never once flinched when I gave him his insulin shots, even though I wasn't too smooth in the beginning. He came & happily sat on my lap for his blood tests --he was always purring no matter what. I miss him so much already.

They really should give grievance pay for losing a pet. I have no idea how I will face work tomorrow.

Hi, Michelle, this pain in your heart is enormous - - and one of the ways for it to ease is to cry - - as often, as deeply, as loud, as your heart needs for as long as your heart needs it. These are healing tears, Michelle - - literally, so let them flow, and know that each of us here share your tears, each tear drop one by one, with you.

I'm so glad the process of easing Jake's journey to the angels was a smoothe one for you, and for him. And I'm so glad you had the support of your family with you.

I so well understand how you're feeling about going to work tomorrow. I so vividly remember the drives into work and home again - - gut wrenching sobbing, and so very thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could hastily retreat to for a few minutes so that I could regain my composure and go back to my desk to continue working. Then there was the waking up in the middle of the night sobbing - - howling sobbing - - matching the stabbing grieving pain in my heart.

Michelle, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, and during the deep grief more frequently a one moment at a time. Please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you, Michelle, with every step of your journey. and hope in some way you will find comfort and encouragement from both our individual and collective responses to you.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Michelle, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Michelle ~

My heart and deepest sympathy goes out to you at this difficult time. Jake's story really touched me in that it could easily have been Tom's (who lost his battle with diabetes 12/08/2010) From the shaky hands first giving insulin, to the weekly glucose checks at the vet, to the weight loss, etc. and the strong determination to live and beat the illness. I only wished I'd had your courage so that I could have at least said goodbye. The others have all given the best advice there is and I whole heartedly agree. I also feel your pain in trying to get through work. To this day I still have trouble at times. But we are all here for you. I have a feeling Sir Thomas and the others are there for your precious Jake at the Bridge.



PS: It took me a while to figure out why I liked the names Jake and Elwood so much.

Michelle,

I am so sorry for your loss. You did the one last act of love for Jake, it was defintely time for him to leave his earthly journey. There are no words that I can say now that will help you with your pain. I have been there 3 times in the last year and a half and I know how debilitating the pain can be. I thought I was going to lose my job because I spent half of the day in a conference room crying for weeks! I told my supervisor about what I was going thru and thankfully she was very understanding, you may want to tell your supervisor so he or she knows that you are dealing with something very traumatic.

I am going to say an extra special prayer for you, your family, and Jake tonight. Please know that we are all here for you with the love and compassion that you need during this difficult time.

Love and hugs,
Rhapsedy

Well I am home from my first day of work after losing Jake. I cried most of the day. Most people were sympathetic. Some ignored me. You have to be careful who you tell --- I swore if I heard "he was just a cat" I was going to clobber whoever said it.

My boss has a 19 yr old cat so she can relate. She says every day she goes home & waits patiently for the "meow" --she knows one day soon it may not come. She said then she will be crying on my shoulder. She's awesome --totally understood. She said she was in tears listening to my voice mail I left her yesterday.

I couldn't wait to leave work. I am drained. My eyes are puffy. And for what --to come home to just one cat. I can't stand it. Everything will always remind me of Jake. My husband called me at work to ask me what he should do with Jake's stuff --his bed & his towel & such.( I had told him he would have to take care of cleaning it all up because I just couldn't). So of course I started crying when he asked. He didn't mean to make me cry --he was just trying to help. He's not very emotional so he doesn't get it.

I am just so devastated. I don't know if his furry brother realizes he's gone or not. He's sleeping right next to me --I'm sure in time he will start crying for Jake --then I will lose it all over again.

Hi, Michelle, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing today. I'm glad your supervisor has been supportive and sympathetic to your loss of Jake. Today was a "first" in your grief journey - - the first day back to work after losing your precious Jake's physical presence with you.

Some people find it comforting to put their beloved companion's things away immediately after a loss. Some people leave things as they are until they are able to decide what they want to do with them, some folks give their companion's things to shelters and their vet to use or give to someone else who may need the items. There is no "wrong" way - - no "right way" set in concrete - - to travel this grief journey. It is highly recommended, however, that decisions be postponed for awhile - - unless they are absolutely necessary - - until the deep grief has passed and decisions can be made with a clearer perspective. Whatever you and your husband decide will be the "right decision" for you.

The companions who remain in the household also grieve, and their grieving is as different as it is for humans. Elwood may need some extra attention and reassurance that everything will be okay, eventually. It is important to make sure that he is eating properly, drinking enough water to maintain good health, and continuing to take care of his personal needs normally. If you see a change in his behavior that is definitely worrisome, then you may want to take him to the vet for a check up. My little Noah is the sole survivor in a home that used to have three other furkids, two of them being his feline housemates. It has been very hard on him seeing the changes made that now have only one food bowl and one water dish on his feeding table - - a table that used to be shared with Eli, his big adopted kitty brother, and his sibling baby sister Abbygayle. When all the meals were set on the table there was always a moment when each one would look to make sure that everyone had their bowls fixed before starting to eat. Noah still takes that moment to look around first before eating. It was a part of him for 6 years and 10 months, and continues to be a part of him even though he is an only fur child now.

Michelle, I do understand the heartbreak you are going through, and I just want to reassure you that I am here with you, for you, and beside you every step of your grief journey. I know right now there are no words in any language that can soothe the deep searing pain that is in your heart, but I hope in some way you will find comfort and encouragement in the words I have written. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Michelle, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Michelle,

Please accpet my sincerest condolences on the loss of your precious Jake. It sounds as though you had family support and his passing was peaceful, though this does not make the grief journey any less intense.

Going to work after the loss of a precious animal companion is very hard. I was glad to learn that your boss was sympathetic. I certainly remember the pain in going to work with puffy eyes, and share in your grief.

Please know that the tears help to wash away the pain even though they seem endless during deep grief. It helps to take it one day at a time for now. I hope you are able to have a restful peaceful sleep tonight.

With healing thoughts and peace,
Juturna

I am reading all the other posts ----but it is hard to get through them. I pick one a day but I am a blubbering mess by the time I get to the end --IF I get to the end. I am no help to anyone. Please know that you all are in my thoughts!!

It is Saturday & I am so depressed. I don't want to stay home but I don't want to go out. I need to clean this house, but the thought of vacuuming the furry floor has me in tears. I am taking my kids to my mom's but I will probably not stay. Like I said I need to do something constructive --just not sure what that will be. I have no energy. I don't want to talk to anyone. I am behind on everything. I work so I *have* to get some stuff done today. It's such a struggle.

Right now I am feeling lonely & guilty. My husband seems to be "over it" already -- that's the way his family is ---they are just pets, go get another one. I feel so guilty that I knew Jake was going a bit downhill --in the last few weeks he couldn't get his butt down to pee so it was going outside the litter box. I figured it was just his neuropathy getting worse & just kept cleaning it up. Then I started seeing spots OUTSIDE the litter box, on the carpet. I should have taken him to the vet, but I felt like he was too fragile. He was 22 lbs in his prime, just 8 lbs last week. Diabetes is nasty -- I feel like I tried so hard but not hard enough, because I lost him.

I am thankful my kids are healthy --- I've always been grateful that THEY don't have this disease --but Jake was my baby too & I am just flooded with grief. Thank you so much for listening. People have been sympathetic, but no one "gets it".

Hi, Michelle, first up I want to reassure you that each of us here in this forum "get it" - - all of it - - for each of us here know first-hand what you are feeling and going through. Please know that when you are here with us you do not have put on a "public face" - - I assure you we share your tears and your deepest grief sorrow, and we are here with you, for you, and beside you every step of your journey.

I also want to reassure you that you did not fail your precious Jake. Unfortunately our companions' physical bodies are identical to ours: they are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. Their physical bodies are smaller than ours, even the Great Danes and Newfoundlands and St. Bernards - - so when illness or injury happen to them their bodies are more fragile. You did everything that was in your power to give Jake a healthy, happy earthly journey with you. But I know this is little comfort to your broken heart right now. I hope and pray that as your deep grief eases your heart will come to know this, and will be comforted by it.

Micihelle, this grief journey is both physically and emotionally paralyzing. The stress of the grief is extremely energy draining and subdues our immune systems. It is important that you get as much rest as possible and that you keep proper nourishment - - even if it's just soup broth. While you were immersed in taking care of Jake your body was producing a lot of adrenalin so that you could have the energy to handle his physical needs. Part of what you are experiencing is "adrenalin crash" - - your body is no longer producing the intense levels of adrenalin, which is a good thing, but consequently your body is going through a "withdrawal" - - which is part of the reason why your energy levels are feeling so low and part of the reason why are feeling depressed. You must give your body a chance to "equalize" and this is one of the reasons why you must give yourself a chance to get plenty of rest. Generally speaking, everyone who is a caregiver of a chronically / terminally ill companion experiences this, so what you are feeling is normal.

As for your feelings of being "no help to anyone" - - please don't worry about this. Everyone of us have been where you are now - - in the deepest, darkest throes of the deepest sorrow we will know on this side of eternity - - and each of us have had our turn at being "no help to anyone." Although it is written, "It is better to give than to receive," I happen to like Charlie Brown's version better: "It is better to give AND receive." And right now, Michelle, it is your turn to RECEIVE.

Michelle, I wish there were some magic words I could share with you that would take this pain from your heart, but unfortunately there are no words in any language that can do that. Just know that you are not alone in your grief journey, for each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Michelle, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Michelle,

As Moon_bean so eloquently wrote, you did not fail your precious Jake. I believe that when it is time for our animal companions to depart from this life, it is outside of our control. Though I totally understand your guilt, as I too felt that way when my beautiful Victoria's life on earth ended. Whenever we loose an animal companion who had a chronic illness, we wonder what else we could or should have done.

Also, I understand how hard it is for you right now to have the energy to clean or to do anything else. As Moon_beam wrote, the grief journey can be paralyzing and draining. The depression in deep grief is intense and is part of the process. It will not last forever. Please try to be gentle with yourself right now. And know that others on this forum share your pain. You are not alone on this grief journey. I share your tears.

With healing thoughts and peace,
Juturna