I went to my psychologist last night and it didn't go well. I was telling her how I feel guilty about letting Barney use the doggie door even after he was sick and she said or kind of yelled really, "well yah, you should have crated him!" I just looked at her with my mouth hanging open, I couldn't believe what she blurted out. I feel just awful! I was wrong to let him go out the doggie door because who knows what he got into! I am just sick to my stomach and back to day one with the way I felt when Barney died. I know you guys have to be sick of my pathetic cries for help but I really needed to tell someone this. I didn't think he would get into anything because he wasn't eating food and maybe he didn't get into anything, but maybe he did. I was totally irresponsible and will never forgive myself for being so careless.

Rhapsedy, guilt is just one of those things we have to go through, I think it's the toughest part of the awful journey to healing. Everyone has some measure of guilt when it comes to their beloved pet. However, I do think your counselor is full of dookie! She had no right to say that in my opinion....is she a vet? I highly doubt it. Do not let her words throw you backwards...perhaps she is trying some new approach? I don't know but I think it was wrong for her to say that. You were a great Mom to Barney and don't let anyone tell you any different!

Many hugs and take care of yourself,
Love,
Sonya

Dearest Rhapsedy,

I sit here yelling NO, NO, NO at the computer screen through my tears. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND SHE IS NOT QUALIFIED TO HELP ANYONE! First, your psychologist is in the wrong line of work - by a LOT and you need to find someone who knows that counseling is about helping a person through their difficult times - NOT helping them beat themselves up for not being psychic. I'm no expert in psychology and I am not a practicing psychologist but I am in mid-life, have been a natural observer of human behavior my entire life and WAS an over-acheiving Clinical Psychology Major and I will tell you 2 things right now. First, some of the most screwed up people I've ever met in my life where the Psych Professors. Many of them were incapable of connecting on a 'normal' level and wouldn't miss a chance to take a cheap shot at someone. One used humiliation in the classroom as a 'learning tool'. and she was a flipping Psychiatrist, not just a Psychologist. I was in my late 20's when I went back to school so I had the wisdom and experience to watch their dysfunctional behavior and evaluate it with a level of perspective most younger students didn't have. I will tell you right now, the expression 'those who can do, those who can't teach' came into my head on a regular basis. Some of the LEAST empathetic and MOST harsh and judgemental people I have ever met are in that field. And you, my gentle hearted, sweet friend seems to have found one of them.

Second, short of being one of the best psychics to ever hit the planet, there is no way you could have anticipated what was going to happen. I beg you, please take what I'm saying to heart. I know that she, as the 'expert' has a level of credibility those of us out in cyberspace don't possess but I swear to you, I know what I'm speaking of. Even if life experinece weren't enough, my grades were more than high enough for me to have easily gotten work in that field if that was what I wanted, so I am well aware of the various counseling methods. What she said to you is wrong, unprofessional and just plain cruel. This is not a case where you're a narcissistic personality who deliberatly hurts others and needs to learn different behavior (people with that disorer rarely go for counseling). That would be one of the rare times a counseler would help them point the finger towards themselves in an effort to help them to see what they're doing. However, in a case like this, that would STILL BE WRONG. This is a case where you simply didn't have the ability of second site to prevent the tragedy. Please, please think about what she said and recognize the cruelty behind that superior, judgemental, unreasonable statement. Seriously, what decent human being says something like that? She is clearly not in touch with what you're feeling (her failing, it's her job to connect) or if she was, she deliberatly kicked you again when you were already down and going to her for help. Both cruel and unprofessinal. She needs counseling herself to determine why her hostility is being directed at a vunerable person. Her job and alleged training is to help, not to inflict further damage with cruel and unfair judgements. She abused the trust you placed in her. That is her failing, not yours. Her behavior is unacceptable and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

There are times when it's necessary to help a person take responsibility in order for them to move forward. This is not the situation you have going on here, there is nothing for you to assume responsibility for. I personally don't agree that you should have automatically crated Barney because he wasn't feeling well. I don't know how he handled the crate but I can tell you that Peggy was held in a cage for years and was abused and neglected by the first people she lived with. She was never crated again after she came to me. For her, crating was torture and it reinforced all her fears. Going by what your counseler said, I should have been crating her for (almost) 6 years to protect her every time there was potential danger or I thought she was unwell. In her case, that would have been almost every day. Think of it this way, if you have kids, do you force them to stay in bed every time they get the sniffles? I don't have kids but I don't know 1 person who does that because it's not reasonable. Is it possible the sniffles can turn into something much more serious? Of course but it's rare and someone is not a bad parent for allowing their child to get out of bed and play when they're a little under the weather. Same thing with Barney. If he felt too sick to go out, he would have stayed in the house. Animals are often much better than people at recognizing when they should lay low for a while. Had you held him in the crate, he may have been stressed and that would had added to his situation. And here's something I just realized, his intestines were impacted so I'm sure walking helped his condition. Laying down is usually not the best thing to do when the intestines are trying to move something out. So, you actually did what was best for him, allowed him to move around.

Rhapsedy, you deserve much better care than you've gotten from your counseler. You may want to consider finding one who is capable of empathy or at the very least, one who keeps their unresonable and judgemental opinions to themselves. My wish for you is that you can find a counseler who has the same gentle, compassionate heart you possess. You deserve no less. I strongly recommend you re-evaluate the counseler you are currently seeing and determine if she's truly helping you. She inflicted pain and apparently was not astute enough to recognize that your dropped jaw was a good indicator that she had hurt you and that she should try to fix what she had done. Or maybe she did and she's just an unfeeling, cruel person deep down inside. This event has my Irish/American blood boiling. I have no tolerance for people who deliberatly hurt others (human or animal) and if you unintentionally hurt someone, you need to be paying enought attention to notice that and try to fix the damage you've inflicted. Her treating you in such a callous manner has me enraged. You need someone who can help you move forward and release the guilt. I swear to you, you did nothing wrong. Please try to let go of what that unfeeling person said and remember that because of you, Barney had a joy filled life - that is evident in the picture of him. He loved you, was loved in return and received the best care you could find for him. If we could all just find someone who would treat us as well as you treated Barney, what a wonderful life we would all have.

My Mom popped by my home office (aka, the dining room) a few minutes ago and wants you to know you will be in her prayers, which she's starting right this minute. She was also a psych major and completely agrees with my assessment of your counseler. She said to send you her love and blessings and she's going to pray for your heart to be lightened. I will add my prayers and wishes as well.

big cyber-hug to you (actually, take your hands off the keyboard, close your eyes, wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze). That's a comforting hug from both Mom and I.

Take care and please let me know how you're doing.

Peggy (the human)

[quote name='Brutus' date='Mar 17 2011, 09:17 AM' post='63992']
Rhapsedy, guilt is just one of those things we have to go through, I think it's the toughest part of the awful journey to healing. Everyone has some measure of guilt when it comes to their beloved pet. However, I do think your counselor is full of dookie! She had no right to say that in my opinion....is she a vet? I highly doubt it. Do not let her words throw you backwards...perhaps she is trying some new approach? I don't know but I think it was wrong for her to say that. You were a great Mom to Barney and don't let anyone tell you any different!

Hi Sonya,

I think you just captured the perfect phrase for what the counselor said 'I do think your counselor is full of dookie!'
That statement is perfection.

Take care,

Peggy

I could not agree with this more! I'm studying Criminology, but as part of my degree, I have to also study Psychology. Every so-called 'Psychologist' I've had contact with during my studies has been an absolute disgrace. They have no idea how to communicate to their students in a proper manner; and from my experience are the moodiest people I've ever met. If one of our Psych Professors is having a bad day; then we sure as hell know about it.

Rhapsedy, my point is, this psychologist was probably having a bad day. She was probably feeling crappy, so decided to use her position to, in turn, make you feel crappy. She had no right to say what she did. 1.) Because it's just plain rude and unprofessional. And, 2.) What she said is WRONG!

It's not your fault. You had no way of knowing what would happen. Dogs will be dogs. If what she said was true, then the only way people could prevent an accident from happening, is by wrapping their dog's up in cotton wool, and watching them 24/7. Not only is this impossible, but it's not fair on the dog. Unfortunately, both animals and humans are at risk every single day, and there is nothing we can do about it. It's just life.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Please print out these replies and stick them on your 'fridge door. And repeat after me: "I love Barney. I would never have done anything to intentionally put him in harms way. Therefore, what happened is NOT my fault."

Cheryl xx

Hi, Rhapsedy, all I can do is nod my head in total agreement with everything that Sonya, Peggy, and Cheryl have already said. In fact, I can't think of anything else to add except this: When I was going through a total emotional breakdown 25 years ago as the result of a very tragic traumatic event, I went through one psychologist and one psychiatrist - - who added to my already existing trauma - - BEFORE I was referred to a WONDERFUL compassionate professional counselor. He truly truly truly helped me through the very desperate and dark road I was thrust upon. To this day when I find myself struggling really hard through the PTSD and Survivor's Guilt, I think of him and his kindness and remember the encouragement he gave me, and eventually I can feel hope once again. He was always professional with me, but I carry his kindness and compassion with me in my heart to this day.

So, don't settle for what this totally offbase unprofessional has said to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please DO let us know how things are going for you. We are here for you, with you, and beside you, Rhapsedy.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi everyone,

I'm meeting with my therapist tonight to discuss what happened at our last meeting. I have seen her for the last year and half (I started going to her after Callaway died), and she has been a very compassionate person. I left her a message asking if I could meet with her tonight and she called me back and left this message, "I can definitely see you tonight. I'm so glad you called, in our last meeting I think we had what you call an impass and I think it can be fixed." Not sure what an impass is but I'm going to let her do the talking first and we will go from there. If I'm not happy with our session tonight I will not see her again and start looking for another therapist.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this website and to all the wonderful people on here! Without your support I don't know how I could make it thru, and honestly, I don't think I would. Love to all of you!

Hi, Rhapsedy, you might want to take a print out of your post here and all of our responses with you - - or perhaps jot down some notes - - just in case you need "back up" during your meeting tonight. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that you are NOT alone.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Rhapsedy,

I'll keep my fingers crossed that she wants to apoligize and spends the first 5 minutes eating some of the 'dookie she threw your way the other night. I wish she had been the one reaching out to you to discuss/resolve the 'impass' (?? don't understand her us of that word in this context). Oh well, hopefully she takes the time and effort to apologize.

Sonya - thanks again for that word. 'Dookie' is just a perfect fit.

Still in our thoughts and prayers, Rhapsedy!!

Peggy

Hope it all works out Rhapsedy. I must say, I remember a while back she said something else that I though was "questionable and unprofessional" in my opinion. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I do remember I was questioning her ability at the time and now months later I still remember she said something that I thought was out of line. I'm glad to hear she is compassionate and helpful, it's important that you two get through this "impass" as she calls it.

Not sure I'd take a printout out of everything that was said on this thread....she may be offended by the dookie comments

Peggy, I'm still not sure this woman is not full of dookie, the jury is still out.

Anyhow, I don't want to say anything negative anymore about her for now, she is the expert, and she has helped you in the past so that's all that's important right now.

Keep us updated and many hugs,
Love,
Sonya

Hi, Rhapsedy, just checking in with you to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and hoping that your meeting last night with your counselor went okay. Sometimes each of us find ourselves asking ourselves, "did I really say that", and hope you and your counselor have been able to get back on the same track. But I want you to know that you can print out whatever I share with you and keep it posted your computer or your mirror or your desk - - or wherever - - so that you can read it frequently if it gives you hope and comfort and encouragement. And - - you can even share with others what I have shared with you.

Rhapsedy, I hope today is a decent one for you, and that you know you are not alone with whatever happened last night with your counselor. I, along with the other wonderful people on this forum, are here for you, with you, and beside you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rhapsedy,

Wondering how your meeting went with your therapist. Her telling you what you should have done was shaming and hurtful. You are very courageous going back and talking with her about it. Hope it is helpful to you.

You gave your beloved Barney a wonderful life. Unfortuantely, the grief journey always includes guilt, which is most difficult. Please be gently with yourself as that is what Barney would want.

With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna

Moon_Beam, Peggy, Sonya, and Juturna,

When I met with my therapist on Friday evening I let her do the talking first. After about 10 minutes of her not bringing up the elephant in the room I did. I told her that her statement that she made dropped me right back down to day one and that I questioned myself even more. She said that right after she made the cage statement that she said, "but I know you wouldn't have done that because you would feel bad for him being stuck in a cage." It sounds like we had a communication issue going on, but the more I think about it she shouldn't have even brought up a another possible scenario. I also told her that I wasn't mad at her for making the statement and she made some remark like I don't feel the need to apologize for what I said, I can't remember exactly what she said but it was something like that.

I think about the cage statement and I have tried to cage Barney before and when I let him out he is very aggressive. Another thing I thought was that I could have taken him to my mom's during the day, but that would have put my mom in jeopardy of being bit, she had been bit several times in the past.

I don't know, this process is so hard, the guilt is so overwhelming at times. I made a list of all the things I did for him and I can't figure out why I can't focus on those things and not what I should have done, maybe things went the way they were supposed to. The one thing I can say for a fact is that I loved Barney with all my heart, gave him a wonderful home, and would do anything to have him back.

I am going to schedule an appointment with a hypnotherapist, I think I'm just desperate to try and "fix" myself. I have read a lot about regression therapy and I'm very interested in trying that out. Have any of you ever tried regression therapy?

Love and hugs,
Rhapsedy

Hi, Rhapsedy, thank you so much for letting us know how your meeting with your counselor went on Friday. Yeah, I would say there was a definite "communication issue" going on with your previous meeting with her.

Rhapsedy, this grief journey, unfortuately, involves "guilt" reconciliation - - it's part of the grief emotions and is one of the hardest parts of this journey to reconcile. We go through a period of "looking back" and thinking about all of the "why didn't I" "I should have" "should not have" - - . In reality, we are struggling to reconcile the physical loss of our beloved companions and the deep pain - - both emotional and physical - - caused by the physical separation. What you have shared with us shows to us that you have done everything that is in your human - - and humane - - power to give your precious Barney the best life he possibly could have had during his earthly journey. Because each of us go through a period of guilt reconciliation, this is why we desperately need to hold on fast to the encouragment and "independent" assessments we receive from others who know what it is like to care for beloved companions under several different circumstances, - - and specifically, the encouragement we receive on this wonderful forum.

From what you have shared with us from your follow up visit to your counselor I'm wondering if your counselor is trained to assist people in their grief from the loss of a beloved companion. This is a relatively new aspect of the counseling field, and not every counselor has been trained in this specialized grief counseling. Why is it specialized? Because the counselor has to recognize in his or her mind that the loss of a beloved companion, and the issues surrounding the loss, is not of the mentality that "it's only a" (dog, cat, bird, hamster, - - whatever). Beloved companions are not "expendable" family members. They are, in fact, similar to having a perpetual 2 year old human child who cannot tell us what they need or what they want or how we can better help them. We are constantly having to try to "read" their behaviors and their responses to provide them a healthy quality of life, and consequently, there is a LOT of second guessing of our decisions, particularly when they precede us to the angels. We rely heavily on their veterinary practitioners and trainers, etc., to help us "sort through" issues that require serious decisions which only we can make as their legal guardians.

Rhapsedy, it is of course up to you if you wish to seek the services of a hypnotherapist. As to your attempting to "fix yourself," my friend - - the "guilt reconciliation" of this grief journey does take time for your heart to reconcile what you already know in your mind: " The one thing I can say for a fact is that I loved Barney with all my heart, gave him a wonderful home, and would do anything to have him back." This is what we ALL feel with all our hearts, particularly when we are experiencing the deep grief of losing a beloved companion, so what you are feeling is PERFECTLY NORMAL. So, there truly is no reason to try to "fix yourself." Unfortunately, the "guilt reconciliation" takes time which cannot be rushed. The very best thing you can do is to stay focused on all the good things you did for your precious Barney, because this is what your precious Barney wants you to do, and what I hope and pray with all my heart that you will be able to do. Keep this list with you, close by to you. Tack it up next to your computer - - hang it on the bathroom mirror - - put it in places where you will have eye contact with it so that you can "brainwash" yourself to focus on all the wonderful things you did for and with your precious Barney - - particularly when you find yourself grappling with all of the "why didn't I's" etc that are a normal part of this grief journey.

And again, Rhapsedy, feel free to print out whatever responses I write to you, if they are helpful to you, to have close by to you to read and hold onto for encouragement and reassurance. I promise you, Rhapsedy, you truly did everything you could for your precious Barney, - - and I hope and pray that you will be able to know this is true in your heart.

I hope and pray that you will find encouragement, support, and comfort in what I have written to you, Rhapsedy. Again, it is your decision if you feel the need to seek the services of a hypnotherapist if you think it will be helpful for you. Whatever you decide, Rhapsedy, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rhapsedy,

Thank you for sharing with us how your session went with your therapist. I'm amazed that she did not apologize.

As Moon_bean so eloquently wrote, guilt is a very painful part of the grief journey that takes time. I totally understand how overwhelming it feels. The struggle for guilt reconciliation is part of the mourning process. It is not something that needs to be fixed, though it may benefit from suportive gentle guiding to facilitate healing.

As someone who works in the counseling field, I'm not a huge fan of hypnotherapy, and would be hesitant to try regression during deep grief. Would you consider seeing a grief counselor who is skilled in dealing with animal companion losses? The veterinary schools may be able to refer you.

You were a wonderful guardian for precious Barney and gave him the gift of a loving life. Please remember that when it is time for our animal companions to leave this life, it is ususally outside of our control and sometimes the reason is cloudy. I hope you will be gentle with yourself as Barney would want that, and try to take it one day at a time for now.

With healing hugs and peace,
Juturna

Rhapsedy,

Moonbeam and Juturna said everything I wanted to (but much better). You know those "what if's" will drive you crazy. As they said, it's up to you if you want to seek out hypnotherapy. I for one see nothing that needs "fixing".....you are NOT broken, just grieving. You will get through this...we never get over it, but we get through it.

Many hugs and much Love,
Sonya

Rhapsedy.

I am so saddened to read about your meeting with your therapist. I had something like that happen to me once where a therapist told me (when I was depressed to the point of suicide) "I don't know how you even get up every day your life is so awful." It was like a slap in the face. No one, deserves to be treated that way by a medical professional. I am also sad that they did not apologize to you. :-( I agree with Moonbeam, some therapists may not be able to help with the loss of a pet. It takes a very special person to understand the grief that we all feel and the guilt that can go along with it. I sincerely hope that you are able to find the right person to help you.

Having personally lived with an aggressive dog and spent years trying to micromanage the problem to the point where it consumed my entire life, I can tell you that you in no way shape or form did ANYTHING WRONG. It is so easy for people outside your situation to judge you and any choices you make. But until they have lived even a day in your situation they are not qualified to make you question any choice you made or to make you feel guilty about it.

You are a good hearted person to deal with your situation for as long as you did. It shows that you truly loved Barney. Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad!

As for coping each day, well, that's so hard too. I try to remember my Sophie when she was at her best, not her worst, and I hope every single day that she is happy now. Maybe she and Barney are together. I would like to hope that all dogs play together happily over the Rainbow Bridge.

Hugs.

Chessielover.