I am new here, I don't really know what I'm doing or if typing a message on the internet is really going to make me feel any better, but here I am.

My cat of 13 years began having seizures out of the blue 3 days ago. Little ones. I didn't even know they were seizures, she was just having accidents - urinating on the floor and she had never, ever done that. I thought she had a bladder infection. I dropped her off at the vet 2 days ago and picked her up later, the vet telling me that she thought it could be seizures and giving me Diazepam just in case. Her exam showed her to be healthy. Her blood work was all perfect, no toxins, no abnormalities.

That night I stayed up all night long, while my cat progressively had seizure after seizure, escalating to grand mal after grand mal. They only lasted 2 minutes each but they were the worst things I have ever seen. My cat, who had been healthy and happy for 13 years, throwing her body in the air and spasming so hard it looked like she would break her own back.

I know nothing about seizures, only that the vet told me to give the Diazepam if it went over 3 minutes. I did what I could, covered her with a towel and tried to keep her body from slamming itself into the floor, talking quietly and trying not to lose my mind. I took copious notes on every seizure, the times they occurred, behaviors, etc. There were brief moments where my normal Pele came out, meowed at me in a recognizable way but she was so exhausted and her seizures were coming every 10 minutes or so.

I took her back in yesterday morning as soon as the clinic opened. I assumed she would be put on medication and she would be fine. That my notes were detailed enough to tell the vet all she needed to know to help Pele. But she called me 2 hours later and told me I had to put her down immediately. I was just grabbing my keys to drive to school to take a midterm exam.

I had to call my professor and beg him to let me take it later, with what has been over used as a bogus excuse for lazy students for years. I don't blame him for sitting there and not saying anything while I tried not to fall apart, having learned minutes before that my cat was going to die. But it wasn't easy when he demanded that I bring in a bill that said "Euthanasia" on it.

I told the vet I wanted to see her before she was put down, so the vet had to sedate her and put her on an IV with Valium. She was awake when the vet brought her in to the room for me to see her. She lasted 30 seconds before she started seizing again. The vet had to sedate her and immediately put her down afterward.

It happened so fast, the vet couldn't even explain how a cat with no history of seizures could, in 48 hours, suddenly have little ones every few hours escalate to grand mal every 10 minutes. She kept saying that her behavior probably changed and we didn't notice it, but it didn't. Nothing she suggested, wandering around aimlessly, hiding in strange places, acting restless... none of that had happened. It makes it harder to accept because I just don't understand it.

Pele was with me my entire adult life. I got her a month after moving into my very first place, when I was 17. She has defined my sense of 'home'. She has been by my side more than any other being, pet or human, in my entire life. Every activity of my day had her involvement, and everything I do now feels empty and lonely. She slept in my arms, she kept watch while I took a shower, she greeted me when I came home (I'd have to pick her up so she could hug me like a monkey before she would stop meowing.), she reminded me to take breaks from studying and snuggled me when I was sad. I don't have children. She was my kid and my friend. Having her in my life was like having a constant hug and now that she's gone I feel completely detached.

My grandmother died 7 weeks ago and although I loved her very much and I was very sad, it was not like this. Pele was like an unattached organ. I'm just not sure how to function without her.

Hi, PeleMom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Pele. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Even if a necropsy (autopsy) was performed there still may be no diagnosis explaining why your precious Pele developed sudden progressive seizures. Certainly some form of toxic exposure could account for this, but I'm sure you already have examined this possibility and concluded that this is not what happened. Age can also be a genetic factor, and unless we have an "ancestry" of our beloved companions' heritage we do not know their "family tree" medical history when we embrace them into our hearts and homes. Although having a definitive medical diagnosis can be helpful - - in the long run - - as we adjust our lives without the physical presence of our beloved companions, the bottom line is that there is nothing that can ever prepare us for the time or circumstances that physically separate us from the very being who is our heart, our purpose for living.

PeleMom, clinical professionals recognize that the loss of a beloved companion is as devastating, if not more so, as the loss of a human family member or friend. The reason for this is because our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation. In our human relationships there are hopes and dreams and expectations - - even in our most deepest commitment relationships. With our beloved companions they don't care what our social status is, what the living accommodations are like, or how financially stable we are. They just want to be loved - - and to having the opporutnity of loving us and sharing our lives.

So, when our beloved companions precede us to the angels, we find ourselves with the nearly impossible task of re-defining our lives without their precious physical presence with us. We are faced with the reality of having to develop a "new normal" - - and this is extremely painful both emotionally and physically. Our beloved companions truly do become a part of us, and when they are no longer physically with us it does feel like a part of us is missing - - the part that belongs only to them. I firmly believe in my "aging" years that our beloved companions do indeed take a part of us with them so that they will have a part of us with them in the company of the angels while they wait patiently for our appropriate time to join them.

PeleMom, there are so many things for you to remember during this grief journey, and one of them is to know that you are not alone. Please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are feeling and going through. I hope and pray with all my heart that you will find encouragement and support here from each of us that will in some way help to comfort you in this time of deepest sorrow.

PeleMom, thank you so much for sharing with us your precious Pele. Perhaps in time you will feel up to sharing picture(s) of him, and to honoring us with some of your cherished memories - - but only as you feel up to doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, PeleMom, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, moon_beam.

It does help to connect with people who understand and have been there themselves. I am in such a confused state right now. I wasn't sure if this forum would be the right thing for me, but it does help.

I find myself overwhelmed with 13 years of habits... check the bed before you move your feet so you don't kick Pele, keep the door slightly open so Pele doesn't get stuck in a room, watch the front door so she doesn't get out, smooth the comforter so she can come and snuggle...

Noises in the house sound like her.

I go through waves, muscles in my body clenching until tears pour out my eyes, then I feel numb and apathetic toward everything around me, then I distract myself- refusing to think about it, until I see side by side in my head the memory of her happy meow and perky face when I came home and the memory of her lying dead on the vet's table, at which point it starts all over again.

I don't feel a desire for anything other than the presence of my husband and to have Pele back. I don't care about anything else. I am trying though, robotically performing tasks and I guess reaching out is some form of positive action. I feel like a two year old. I keep thinking, no. I don't want this. It's not fair. It's not right.

I couldn't tell you if I was hungry or tired but somehow I could tell you that I knew I didn't want Pele's ashes, didn't want to spend time with her dead body when the vet offered to leave me with it. I am surprised when I have certainty about such strange things when I am completely unable to make other decisions. Getting a load of clothes through the wash requires too many decisions.

I am completely torn between wanting/needing that animal affection from any possible source and never wanting to attach myself in such a way again. I read an article that said it's good to consider previous grief experiences in order to see how to deal with the new loss with grace. I don't know what that means, 'with grace'. I try to be very zen and tell myself she's not really gone, she is 'other', that her death leads to new life and all life and death are one. I do believe it on a logical level I suppose but it has no effect on my grief.

Anyway, thank you for listening and taking the time to make such a thoughtful response.

Hi Pele's Mom,

I am so, so sorry for the devastating loss of your beautiful Pele. I was touched by your post and my heart was literally aching for you whilst reading it. I wish there was something that I could do, some magic words that I could offer, to take away your pain. Unfortunately, there isn't. Grief is one of the most difficult things we can experience in our lifetime, and comes with it a whole range of painful and confusing emotions. From the heart-wrenching sobs that you described, to the numbness, the anger, the disbelief... I don't think we ever fully 'get over' something like this; but in time the pain won't feel as raw. All we can hope for is the realization that they never really leave us -- that a part of them will always be with us, forever etched in our hearts and memories, until it is our time to be reunited with them.

Please try to take care of yourself. We are here for you every step of the way.

Hugs, Cheryl x

Thank you Cheryl83...

I keep thinking about Monday night. I had just washed all the bed clothing and was falling asleep when she jumped up next to me in my arms. I was petting her as I was falling asleep and suddenly she had a seizure. I have read that the first thing an animal will do when they are going to have a seizure is to seek out a guardian, and that's what she did. I didn't know it was a seizure, I thought she caught something, like a bug, in her mouth. She went rigid and then hopped down on the ground, hopping forward a few times like she had a mouse. It was then that I realized she had urinated on me. I thought... bladder stones.

I got up and changed the bed clothing again. When I laid down she kept jumping onto the bed and I kept pushing her off because I didn't want her to urinate on the bed again. She was so persistent, jumping into my arms over and over to get pushed off again and again. Finally she jumped up and pushed the length of her whole body against mine. She did it with such insistence that I couldn't push her away. I fell asleep with Pele pushing her body against me. That is the last time she sought my affection and was able to give her own affection to me. Maybe that was her saying goodbye when she could.

She needed me. I realize my own limitations. I know that I could not have helped her or prevented what was to happen. The fact that she trusted me and sought me out for help shows our relationship to have been that much more precious.

I keep thinking about all the people who met Pele and said she was so sweet, so docile and complaisant. I think about the compromises we ask of our pets, to subvert their natural inclinations in order to serve as our companions. If I feel guilt about anything it's that I did not let her go outside to hunt and explore and smell things as she wanted, to lay in the sun like she did when she was younger. But I couldn't. My other cat, Zarzi, ran off on one of his adventures when he was 5 and never came back. Someone in the neighborhood said a cat that looked like him was hit by a car a few miles from my home. I couldn't bear to lose Pele like that. 10 years later I still have dreams about Zarzi, about finding him or he finds me... finding out it wasn't really him that was hit.

Anyway. I know I'm writing a book here. It does help. Thank you to those who have had the patience to read through it all.

I am soo soooo sorry for your loss. I just signed in to mention that this is the one year anniversary of putting my sweet Opie to sleep. He was put to sleep due to seizures also. He was only three years old. I completely understand your pain. I have cried just about everyday since for this last year. Please accept my sincere sympathies. i had another cat that I had from the ages of 27 to 37 and she was with me through so many changes in my life, just as you said. It is a hard adjustment to suddenly make. Please take comfort in knowing that you gave your kitty such a wonderful life. She was so lucky to have found you.

Hi, PeleMom, this grief journey is one of continual "adjustments" - - which is very painful both emotionally and physically. What we "know" on an "intellectual" level takes time - - however long or short that is - - to reconcile with our hearts and spirits. I often refer to the deep grief journey as existing on "automatic pilot." It never ceases to amaze me how things get done, bills get paid, jobs get worked, groceries get bought, meals get fixed - - but completely feeling like we are "outside looking in " - - everything's being done but we are not a part of the "reality." It's our mind's and body's way of safely coping with the enormous shock of not having our beloved companions with us.

Please know that what you are going through is very normal - - incredibly painful - - yet still very normal. When my first canine companion Samson joined the angels in March 1998 I totally believed I would not have another canine companion, but Samson had other plans for me when he entered the Pearly Gates. Nine months later a very handsome man entered my life and we adopted one another in November 1998 - - my Oslo - - who joined the angels in November 2009. I am older now with physical challenges that are not compatible to the proper care of another canine companion. I had been coming to this "reality" several months before Oslo joined the angels, so this is a decision that I am comfortable with. But this is my "reality" and a decision that I know is right for me.

The point of my sharing this with you is that clinical professionals agree that it is best not to make any major decisions - - unless they are absolutely necessary - - when we are experiencing deep stress and deep grief. What you are feeling when you say, "I am completely torn between wanting/needing that animal affection from any possible source and never wanting to attach myself in such a way again" is very normal and right now you need to give yourself the opportunity to allow your heart and body to grieve for your precious Pele. There is plenty of time to "decide" if / when another companion will be a part of your heart and home, and whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.

PeleMom, this grief journey is one of many different emotions, sometimes overwhelming us at the same time. Your precious Pele knows that you love her and would have done anything and everything in your power to help her. I hope and pray with all my heart that someday when the deep grief eases that you will find reassurance in knowing that your precious Pele is forever with you continuing to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, PeleMom, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Missy, thank you. I am sorry for your loss as well and I appreciate your patience and effort in responding. I take comfort knowing I am in the company of people who have the ability to love unreservedly and have chosen to share that love with the knowledge that we all will outlive our companions. As much as it hurts right now, I know I would give that love again.

I am often reminded of this story, about a lioness who adopts a baby antelope. Lioness adopts baby antelope

moon_beam, thank you again. I know you are right, that I need to give it time. It's hard to feel so much and feel helpless to change it. I have considered fostering but I am still torn. I don't want to cover up my grief for Pele with affection from another cat. But I have this need to nurture, all this energy that I had focused on Pele and that now has nowhere to go. It sends me in circles. No one, no pet, no thing can fill the place Pele had in my life. But I am considering whether it would help to focus on assisting another creature's path to a good home. I can't commit to another companion right now. I don't know how long that will take. But, I feel I need an outlet for these mothering, altruistic feelings. I need a direction to go from the feeling of helplessness that arose from Pele's sudden decline in health.

I don't know. My husband says I'm rushing into things. I've never been without an animal companion. If I had a child of my own I would be okay... but I don't.

Hi, PeleMom, I do so understand how painful it is not to have a beloved companion to nurture. It doesn't matter if there are other companions in the household - - or human children to take care of - - the physical loss of a beloved companion is still very painful to experience - - both emotionally and physically. The entire household is affected by this loss, and "new normals" have to be established for every member of the household - - be they human or other beloved companions.

Some folks do very well with fostering - - it helps to be a positive way of nurturing another little soul in need of a home without having to make a deep emotional commitment at a time when you're not up to it -- and I use the word "you're" generally here - - not specifically "you." When is the "right time" to begin fostering - - ?? Only you can answer that question, and the only way you can do that is to begin the process. If you should find that it's "too soon", that's okay. You'll know that you need to give yourself more time to "adjust" to the physical absence of your precious Pele. Just be reassured that whatever you do you will ALWAYS have your precious Pele's sweet Living Spirit with you continuing to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will. And her deepest wish for you is to be HAPPY - - when you think of her and her earthly journey with you, and fulfilling your need to nurture other companions - - be it through fostering - - and if / when you are ready to embrace another beloved companion into your heart and home. Whatever you decide, PeleMom, is okay.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, PeleMom, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello again.

I thought I was doing pretty good... focusing on fostering cats for a rescue shelter. But when they finally called me to say my application went through and they had a male cat that needed a foster home, my husband said he didn't want any animals in the house. It's like I had to go through losing Pele all over again. Now it's all I think about. I've gone to pet stores to visit the animals, just to have some kind of interaction but I have ~~ for luck. Either there's no cats in or the people wont let me visit with them. I feel like I have no where to turn. I can't help being angry with my husband. I'm trying not to hold anything against him but I just don't understand. It hurts so much, to have an empty house... nothing to take care of. I think every 2 minutes I have a thought relative to finding sanctuary or comfort from Pele and then I remember she's gone. I don't even want to be home anymore. I just keep going to the gym or finding other things to do because home isn't home any more.

Don't really know why I'm venting on this forum except I'm really at a loss.

I think he assumes I'll just get used to living without a companion. But it's not my way. My whole life I've been around animals. If I was able to make a time commitment to volunteer for some kind of shelter I would do it. But I can't. And it still wouldn't be enough...

Anyway.

Hi, PeleMom, I am so sorry that your husband is so adamantly opposed to your fostering homeless waifs. There is a policy now among pet stores to not allow the general public to interact with the animals because it is emotionally draining on them - - to have someone come in and pet them only to walk away and not come back. It also protects the animals from exposure to illnesses that people have and can transmit to the animals, particularly very young kittens and puppies and other fur and feathered clients whose immune systems are not fully developed. So, please don't be too upset about this policy.

Have you thought about pet sitting? Do you have a pet sitting service in your area? If so, you might check into that. You would be visiting companion animals in their homes and can stay with them for awhile and enjoy their company, and they, in turn, can enjoy yours. And all of this can happen separate from your husband's objections. It's just a thought.

Eventually perhaps your husband will come to see how hurtful not being able to have a fur child is to you and will graciously change his mind, and decision. Until then, PeleMom, I am so sorry you are having to make this additional adjustment at an already stressful time.

PeleMom, please know we are here for you to share whatever is in your heart and on your mind. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, PeleMom, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, Moonbeam.

Trying my best to stay sane...

Hi Pele's Mom,

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you are doing a bit OK.

Losing a precious pet is so difficult especially when it happens so suddenly and your pet has no history of medical problems. I cried when I read your story, because it reminded me so much of what happened to my baby girl Tsjip 2 months ago. I had had my cat for 12,5 years and over the course of two days she suddenly became very ill and I had to have her euthanized.
I was devastated (still am really). I couldn't stop crying and like you I just didn't know how to function. I just want you to know it does get better. I still miss Tsjip every day and think about her every day. I till cry quite often, but at least I can function again and I know that as time passes it WILL get better (which I did not believe when it had just happened).

Try to think about what a wonderful life your cat had with you and the happy memories you have together (that's what I try, but honestly it makes me even sadder). I hope you will find some peace!

Sara,

Thank you for your message. I am so sorry for your loss of Tsjip and want to thank you for sharing your story, somehow it helps to find people with similar stories. Maybe it makes the terrible things fit into reality a bit better, makes it easier to accept that these things actually happen and life somehow moves on.

I am struggling every day with the overwhelming desire to care for and nurture something. I am so sad and jealous when I see people with their pets. I go to the pet store and try to interact with the cats behind the glass, wiggling the strings on the end of my scarf for them to chase and paw at.

I am at a pretty significant turning point in my life... I am trying to get accepted into a dance program at a University, after a 7 year hiatus from dancing due to a knee injury. I am taking (among other things) improvisation classes and the loss of Pele has had a huge impact on me as a creative person. In many ways I have stopped caring about a lot of things... including what other people think of me. It gives me a sense of freedom in my dancing that I did not have before. However I also am overwhelmed with emotion constantly. I have to be so careful not to emote all over people. Going to a place of impulsive expression puts me right in the danger zone and all I can do is wall off my feelings in order to keep going.

It's not very healthy, I am totally aware of that... I do it not just in dance class but all the time. The bills still have to get paid, right? My friend told me when her cat died she cried every day for a year. I knew the moment she said that, that I would not be able to release my emotions enough to cry every day. I have no doubt that the emotions are there, and will be there for a long time, but I just can't keep that door open. It causes some embarrassing situations when suddenly I can't keep it closed anymore.

Anyway... thank you again...

I mourn your loss as I know too well your pain. Other's have said beautiful helpful things that I can't add much too.

But...

This thing with your husband is bugging me...

I have no intention of implying I think ill of him. I'm sure he's trying to look out for your best interests and has no desire to see you suffer the inevitable loss of another baby (unfortunately the life spans of human and cats doesn't work in our favor...)

But he really needs to understand that your heart is big and has a special place for a furball. You are a team and each team should get a vote. And when there is a stalemate, negotiation needs to happen to address both parties feelings. Your feelings seem very strong and if you want to take in another baby who desperately needs a home and whose presence can fill your heart and make you whole, then it's worth fighting for.

My husband has never been keen on my adopting so many needy cats over the years, but he knows it's important to me and in the end his love for me allows him to let me do it. I mean, it's not like cats are really expensive pets or need a lot of maintenance. And ultimately, he ends up falling in love with them anyway and we suffer their losses together. I catch him so many times when he thinks I'm not looking, cooing in high voice to one of our boys or hoisting one up in hes arms and stuffing his face into the cat in a loving snuggle.

I hope you can resolve this issue with him. Despite the agony of when you lose one, I can't imagine my life without a few furballs around.

Good luck and my thoughts and hugs are with you as you slog through this painful process.

ConnieJ

Hi, PeleMom, dance always provided an emotional outlet for me, as did horseback riding. I took classical ballet in my much younger years, so I can relate to your feeling about dancing and the freedom of expression. I was never Juliard material, but it gave me a discipline that carried me through a very long and intense recovery and rehabilitation. Because of the intensity of my injuries I can no longer dance or ride horses, but I can still appreciate the art of both.

Like Connie I wish there was some way you and your husband could find a mutual consent for your desire to nurture another fur child - - to call your own. Perhaps it's just too soon for him, perhaps his grief is too deep which he feels he cannot let surface - - for whatever reason. Some men do grieve differently from women, but this does not lessen their grief feelings.

PeleMom, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your return to dance will bring a new awareness of your precious Pele to your heart - - knowing that he is watching you and watching over you. Please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam