i'm sitting here with my baby, skylar, next to me. we got her for my oldest daughter on her 4th birthday (12 years ago, in a month), but we all know she is my dog. we rescued her from a breeder who said she just wasn't 'up to par' as a schih tzu show dog, when she was a year and a half old. they kept her in a crate probably 23 of the 24 hours a day.

she has been a wonderful family dog .. so great with our oldest, and the following 2 children we had in the years later. she went with us everywhere for quite a few years, then as she got older and we had more children, she favored staying at home for some peace and quite. we now have 3 children, 3 dogs (she is the alpha, even though one of the other dogs is a great dane/boxer mix), and a cat. my husband is in the military and is over in iraq til next october and she is the one that sleeps by me every night.

so, now, she is 13 and a half. two weeks ago, i thought she was pretty smelly and was giving her a bath when i noticed a very large knot on her left cheek. i took her into the vet immediately, where they took blood and a biopsy, and found that she has developed quite a heart murmur in the last 6 months. the vet said that the knot was not filled with liquid (the decaying tissue in there is the cause of the smell) and that we really only had 2 options .. could be an infection or could be cancer, so started antibiotics and pain medicine, just in case.

i got a call the next day and the bloodwork did not point to infection. had to wait for the biopsy though. found that out a week ago. the vet said that she must have had a scratch or something and her body did not regulate the white blood cells properly and they had all gathered there, etc .. a kind way of saying that she has stage 3 cancer in her cheek. he said that they would have to remove part of her jaw if they did surgery and she would have to eat out of a tube for awhile .. and that with her heart murmur and her age, she would most likely not survive the operation. he told me what he thought would be the best option for her and i cried all night.

so, i've been staring at my baby for another week. the knot has gotten larger .. the smell worse .. it's affecting her eye and her nose and she can't close her mouth. the pain medicine and the antibiotics have made her perkier though. she has been walking around with her ears perked up, wagging her tail. i have felt so torn. the last 2 days, she has been at my side and cuddling with me (i feel so guilty that her smell gets to me), and i have been putting it off to go back to the vet. this morning, i noticed that she must have seepage or something, because of the staining on her blanket where she lays and tonight, she must have bitten her cheek while she was eating because she started bleeding. i called the vet.

so .. tomorrow is the day. i feel so awful. i've read that 'you just know' and a couple of years ago, that was true with a golden retriever we had that had cancer and stopped eating or drinking and had problems walking. we did know. this, i don't. she looks at me with her perky little ears and her tail up and i feel so guilty for making the decision. i just don't want her to be in a lot of pain and the vet says that it is coming soon.

just needed to talk about it. thank you.

Hi Dani

Thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts about Skylar with us all.

It's frustrating that when our pets get old they, like humans, would not really be able to survive any major operations. When my Bruno was ill recently, I wanted to move mountains to make him better...and if that meant a major operation then so be it...but then I stopped and thought about it. A major operation, for his age (16), would most likely put him through pain and he may not even survive it. I realised, with the gentle words from several vets I saw, that it was his time. You mention that the vet told you what he thought would be the best option for Skylar. Well, three out of the five vets I saw with Bruno suggested the same...that he should be let go before he might endure any pain.

When they told me this I was in denial and kept thinking of possible solutions about how Bruno could be saved. Now Bruno has gone and I've had time to reflect, I realise that those vets who suggested Bruno be let go see hundreds of pets every week. They really do know what they're talking about when they see an animal and feel that it is their time. I don't think any vet would ever want a pet to be let go prematurely...but they also would not want any pet to suffer any pain. I don't think you should be in any doubt about knowing whether it is the right time or not for Skylar to be let go. If the vet has suggested that it is time, then I believe it is the right time.

You are incredibly brave to make the decision to heed the vet's valuable advice to enable Skylar's peaceful passing tomorrow. Despite Skylar's perkiness, please know that she will be forever grateful to you for ensuring she avoids any pain. I would hope that someone would do the same for me if I were to imminently face any pain. Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings with us. There are lots of wonderful good listeners and advice-givers right here.

Stay strong for Skylar tomorrow and remember that you are absolutely doing the right thing for her. You should feel no guilt because you have been a tremendous companion to her for years and years and given her a brilliant life. That is all she, or any of us, could ever ask for. Although you may be releasing her physical presence, Skylar will remain right there with you forever.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Dani. Big hugs. You are very brave for coming on here and sharing your feelings. I hope to hear from you again.

Take care


Peter

Hi Dani,
I am so feeling your pain tonight. I just want to add my support for you. It sounds as if you have no choice but to do what is right for her. As a Hospice nurse of many years I have watched many humans suffer until their bodies stopped on their own. At least Skylar has a mom who now knows that her time with you has come to an end because of a horrible disease. She will be made very comfortable and will no longer be suffering. I hope that you will come back here tomorrow night and tell us how you are doing.
Joanne

peter,

thank you very much for writing last night. i read it before i logged off, but just didn't have it in me to write back then. you did give me strength and insight though.

it was such a difficult day today, as you can guess, but i do feel a bit better about the decision. the vet told me that if i had waited another day, that skylar would not have been able to swallow, or possibly breathe. he said he had never seen such an aggressive or angry cancer and was so amazed by skylar's spirit and strength .. such an amazing amount of heart in such a little dog. i feel better at letting her start her journey to heaven with dignity and love. you are right, if i were faced with the same thing, i would wish to be able to go as peacefully and pain free.

i watched the video you have posted of bruno. he was such a beautiful dog .. so full of energy! i'm sorry for your loss. i can tell how much he was loved and how much he loved you!

thank you, again!

joanne,

thank you

it was so hard to make the decision. i kept doubting myself. even today, when i took her into the vet, i asked him if i should give her more time and if i was making the right choice. skylar walked into the office herself. i decided to let her go collar and leash free, her favorite. luckily, we were the only ones there, so no worries about other animals. her head was high, ears perky, tail wagging. the vet was amazed at how she was doing, spirit-wise. he said that by the looks of the cancer, she shouldn't even be able to eat anymore and the nurse said she could feel her heart murmur just by touching her side. as a hospice nurse, you would know better if this is a common thing or not, but i had no idea.

it was almost as if she knew what was going on and she was at peace. i'm sure the idea of no more nail trimmings, no more baths, no more tangles in her hair, and most importantly, no more pain was something for her to look forward to ... and she had given us her all, had been such a loving and loyal friend for so many years. she was such a brave little dog, right up 'til the very end. i wish that we, as humans, could go as peacefully as i saw her go today.

of course, i cried the whole way home .. and still break down at the drop of a hat, but i feel like a weight has been lifted. she is in heaven and pain-fee tonight.

Dani,

I can really relate to your story with your precious Skylar and I too wish that we as humans could go as peacefully as you saw her go. I felt that way with my beautiful Flossie. Sad... yes. Cry a lot...yes. But also some sense of relief and as you say as if a weight had been lifted.

I had a hard time with the call to make the appointment also.

I think that because they cannot "talk" to us and tell us to please let them go that we often feel we are not able to be positive that we are doing the right thing.

Being a military wife you already have a burden that many do not understand unless they have been there. I have & I do. So many things we wives/Mothers have/had to endure alone. I've had a husband in war zones and have a son currently in a very dangerous area(3 years total now) so I know you are a strong person as you have to be.

This place is and will be very comforting to you as you travel this grief journey.

You did the right thing. Thank-you for not making your Syklar suffer. It's so hard to find that right point- as a friend put it- "where there good times are behind them". You seem to have found that point and your dog will love you for it. It's not easy, but once again- you did the right thing.

Hi Dani

I wish you a peaceful night's rest, secure in the knowledge that you absolutely were brave enough to ensure the most peaceful passing for Skylar. I am proud of you for your courage and thoughtfulness. You and Skylar and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you watching my video of Bruno, I appreciate it.

Keep us updated with how you're getting on. I've been posting since Bruno passed and I find it really helps. So many wonderful compassionate people here.

Take care


Peter

Dani
I could not stop by last night as I was stranded for 12 hours due to a snow storm here. I was thinking of you though. I also have had to make that very difficult decision with my older,sick dog and cats in the past and I can relate how hard it is and also how much I cried. With Zoe it was such a fast and tragic accident 2 1/2 wks ago that there was nothing we could do. I sat in the car last night totally stuck in the snow and cried and cried because I miss her so much.
I am glad you were able to come to this site and write to us here. I have found it very helpful to know there are other people out there who understand the pain and loss we are feeling.
Please keep writing to us about how you are doing.
Joanne

Hi, Dani, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Skylar. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

I am so glad you are feeling more comfortable about easing your precious Skylar's journey home to the angels. Even when we know we have done the absolute best for our precious companions our hearts still break with missing their sweet physical presence with us. This grief journey is one of many ups, downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. Just when we think we have a "grip" on things, we hear a special song or think of a special memory and we can find ourselves dropping to our knees with the crushing pain of grief as though it's the first moment when their physical bodies departed from us. And I know this is an especially difficult time with your husband not being able to come home to be with you - - no emergency leave for the illness or physical loss of a beloved companion.

But please know that we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief journey, Dani, for as long and as often as you need us. And hopefully in time as the deep grief eases you will be able to feel your precious Skylar's sweet Living Spirit forever with you just as she always has been and always will be.

Dani, thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Skylar. Perhaps sometime you may feel up to sharing with us a picture of her and some of your precious memories - - as you feel up to doing it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Dani, and please do let us know how you're doing and how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

flossie's mom,

so nice to meet another military wife here i'm so sorry to hear about your flossie .. and i'll keep your son in my prayers! it's so hard having my husband 'in harm's way' .. i can't even imagine having any of my children there; although, my son (6) has been talking about being an army man like his daddy. i'm sure you are overflowing with pride and fear!

as you know, it is hard on both me and my husband. he feels guilty for not being here, and i put on my brave face for him and tell him we are all doing great and not to worry. the evening i made the decision about skylar, it was because the cancer/swelling had started bleeding. i wasn't sure if it had hemorraged or if she had bitten it, but it really threw me for a loop. it was awful that it was already the middle of the night in the middle east and my husband was in bed. i can only email him and wait til he's able to read emails .. hopefully, the next day. he was able to call the next day after i had taken her. we decided not to video chat. it is so much easier for both of us to keep our 'brave faces' when we aren't looking each other in the eye.

i'd love to hear how you guys coped with things over the years. you must have done really well to inspire your son to follow in his father's footsteps.

thank you for writing and hope to hear from you soon

amber,

thank you! i have looked back through pictures of all our years together and can see what i didn't when i was looking in her little face those last couple weeks. it really was time.

i'm sorry for the loss of your kitty. i read some of your post, and can relate to the emptiness in bed. every night for the past 12 years, i have had skylar cuddled up by (or in between) my legs. was so strange and empty in bed last night .. i had to go grab my daughter's dog and put her in there

peter and joanne, thank you for writing

it is very comforting to have so many people here who have gone through the same kinds of things and can talk to each other. i am so glad i found this site!

joanne .. i don't know about you, but i am so ready to be done with all the snow! it is so difficult to have brighter spirits with all the white and gray out there right now. on a side note ... as the new bit of snow was falling this evening, it covered up the last bit of evidence of skylar outside. out of the 3 dogs, skylar was the one that insisted on peeing on the sidewalk from our front door to our drive. drove me crazy for years .. and i used to have to spend a bit of time making sure all the snow was off the walk in the winter (or getting yellow snow/ice) and washing off anything she left .. summer or winter. just felt a twinge of sadness as i noticed tonight ...

moon beam,

i really appreciate you writing. thank you i've read through a few of your posts. i'm sorry for the loss of you furry loved ones. it sounds like you have been through a lot.

thank you for sharing and helping me, and many others, through these difficult times. i haven't been here long, but i've seen a few people talk about how well you write and capture the feelings held by all of us.

i'll try to post some pictures. i'm not very experienced at posting pictures, so we'll see how i do

thanks again. looking forward to talking to you again.

"i have looked back through pictures of all our years together and can see what i didn't when i was looking in her little face those last couple weeks. it really was time." "as the new bit of snow was falling this evening, it covered up the last bit of evidence of skylar outside."


Hi, Dani, I'm so glad you have had a chance to talk / e-mail your husband and that he is doing okay in his current post. I pray that he will be kept safe.

Yes, it can be helpful to look back through pictures "prior to" the physical decline of our beloved companions. This can help to reassure us that the decisions we made for the health and well being of our precious companions were indeed the best we could - - including when they are to send our precious companions home to the angels.

I know what you mean about losing the traces of our beloved companions. The last two months of Oslo's earthly journey with me we had a lot of rain, and his footprints were in the ground after the rain stopped. Over last winter and the spring and summer and the subsequent seasons of this year his footprints are no longer obvious in the ground. This "physical" loss seems like it "erases" our beloved companion's presence with us, but the GOOD NEWS is that we still have these images in our hearts and memories, and so nothing can ever "erase" our beloved companions' presence with us - - for they are forever with us. Hopefully in time as your deep grief eases, Dani, you will still be able to look outside and still see the physical evidence of your precious Skylar in your heart's memory - - as I still see in my heart's memory my Oslo's footprints in the ground.

Dani, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. There are some very good guidelines about how to post pictures here in the L - S Tech Support section. And if you have any difficulty I know the site administrator will be happy to help. We will look forward to sharing your picture(s) of your precious Skylar and your wonderful memories as you are up to it. Dani, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam