Hi all, this is my first post.
I lost my cat Nim to CRF a week ago today. He was 20, maybe 21, and I had him for 15 years. I rescued him as a 5 or 6 year old, someone had dumped him in the woods.

Okay, so even though I know I loved him sooooooo much, (I am grieving harder for my boy than I did for my own father), I rescued Nim, gave him the best food, gave him shelter, safety, health care, beds, toys, love---why do I feel guilty??? The last 6 months or more of his life, the CRF really started to catch up with him. He got very thin. He lost control of his first his bowels, then his bladder. I put newspapers all over my house for him to pee and poop on. I fed him his special renal wet food twice a day, warmed with water. We gave him our futon and lined it with blankets and pillows and gave him a heating pad when he seemed chilled. I had a groomer come out to the house few times to clip him when he stopped grooming himself.

I feel guilty because, a few times, I got impatient and said some things I didn't mean. One time, I pushed him away from a salad plate that he found and helped himself to lapping up the vinegar and hot pepper---my god, what would that have done to him in his weakened state??? I felt bad about pushing him. I felt bad about saying "this is getting to be too much" and "my goodness, Nim, when is it your time?" I countered it by apologizing and saying I would miss him when he went. I feel so bad that I got so frustrated and said those things. Nim was a warrior. He didn't want to go. He loved living with us.

My husband and I kept our promise to him, and we released him when he no longer found joy. For his last few hours, I offered him his fave chicken, held him, told how much I loved him and how sorry I was for the times I got impatient with cleaning up his poop and pee. I told him I didn't mean it; mommy was just frustrated and tired. He looked up at me and I saw love. I know he knows I didn't mean it, but I am so pissed at myself for not being more patient. How can I let this go? The guilt is slowly melting away, but sometimes I get hit with it and I start crying.

However, I feel little guilt over putting him to sleep and giving him a painless, peaceful death with mommy and daddy at his side. It was time and I had a promise to keep. For the last few months, as I watched my poor cat get thinner and thinner (even though he ate like a horse), I told him he could go gently in his sleep. but he didn't--I truly believe he wanted me and his daddy with him as he passed. And we were there for him...moments before he slipped away, I had been holding him and kissing his sweet head.

Oh wow, I really, really miss him. I get up in the morning as he's not there demanding me to hurry up and clean up after him and feed him. I never moved fast enough! I miss his demanding voice. I miss seeing the newspapers around my house. It means he is truly gone.

Thank you for listening.

Hi,

I am very, very sorry for your loss.

I don't really have any answers, or even the right words to console you. I can tell you that you have found a safe place to share on this forum. I have had many kind words and much support from those who came before me here, and I'm sure they will be able to help you too.

I think we all feel guilt- it seems to come up on every thread I've read. Guilt for things we did, guilt for things we didn't do, guilt for what we are feeling or not feeling. I know that anyone who has found their way to this forum truly loved their pets- and well that's all we can really do isn't it?

- Amber

thank you, Amber. Guilt is a biggie in grief.... I know I should put the stick down and stop beating myself up.

i want one more minute to hold him and pet him and tell him how much I love him. I still see him everywhere...Thanks again for your reply Amber. Your words are comforting.

if it helps we can chat here- you don't need a password-you jut go the main page and select chat... i'll pop on there and wait for you if you like...

thank you for the chat, Amber. I look forward to some chicken recipes.

Your story is so amazing ... 20 years and 15 with you what an amazing life you must have had together, stories you could tell us all.

The guilt you are feeling is not necessary though, our friends don’t think like humans, they don’t remember that you complained, said something mean and then hold it against you.

Nim loved you as you are and unconditionally and Nim never though ill of you.

Take each moment as it comes, your pain and grief is equal to the love you have for Nim.

Take care of each other …

thank you Cryss, so much. This forum is great. So much comfort.
I know my Nim doesn't want his mommy to be sad. I am trying to be strong for him.

You feel guilty because you are human and that's how we usually feel in a situation like that. Really.

I used to work for hospice. I saw family members of people that were dying go through the same thing. They loved their husband, father, son, brother, whomever, very much. But they got tired. Tired of changing diapers, of being awake caring for him all night, tired of the sadness and grief and stress and guilt, tired of the financial worries, all of it. Sometimes they wanted it to hurry up and be over. Not because they were bad people. Because they were human. And sometimes they were impatient, sometimes they were less than perfectly compassionate and patient and kind. Not because they did not love they person that was dying. Because they were human. We all get tired and lose patience sometimes.

The truth is, we all get cross with people we love sometimes. It does not mean we don't love them. You loved your kitty. I don't see how you could have loved him better. You are just human, though. Don't beat yourself up for that.

Magdalene

Hi, catworship, please permit me add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Nim. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be healed and restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Unfortunately guilt is part of this grief journey, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile. Guilt comes from the hindsight - - of looking back - - and wishing "if only" "why didn't I" "why did I" and on and on and on. As each of the wonderful responses have already offered, so I wish to affirm their comforting words to you: Your precious Nim knows you love him - - yes, knows, present tense - - and he knows you would have moved heaven and earth or walked through roiling lava or over hot burning coals to give him a healthy, happy life. Unfortunately our beloved companions' physical bodies are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity, and so as illness or injuries take their toll their physical bodies decline very much like ours do. Being their caregivers there are so many emotions that we have to deal with, and because we are imperfect humans we say things and do things sometimes that are less than what we want to be, less than what we normally are.

Because our beloved companions are filled with unconditional love for us, they fully understand our "humaness" and are forever overlooknig our frailities and foibles. And this is one of the many reasons why losing their physical presence with us is so very painful - - both emotionally and physically. The good news is that we always have their sweet Living Spirit with us in our hearts and our memories, and nothing can ever take this away from us. The love bond we share with our beloved companions is eternal - - it is not confined to the physical laws of time and space. Hopefully, as the deep grief lessens, catworship, you will be comforted by Nim's sweet Living Spirit, and will know that he continues to be with you just as he always has been and always will be.

Catworship, this grief journey is a one day at a time, sometimes a one moment at a time journey. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds that can overwhelm us all at one time. One of the many things to remember is that you are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, catworship, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you so much, magdalene. your experience and insight brought me great comfort tonight.

moonbeam, thank you. Your words made me picture Nim kind of laughing at me for getting all flustered. And that made me smile.
Nim and I would 'bicker' sometimes--he'd tell me to hurry up and, since I had just woken up usually, I would sigh heavily and say "give me a minute! Jeez!" But he would still demand that I get a move on. He was so funny. What a lovely, humorous, beautiful, sunshine soul he was. He brought me such light and laughter.
I miss him so much.

Anytime...

To fill everyone else in... both Catworship and I had cats who loved roast chicken. I told her in chat that as a way of remembering my baby I have friends or family over each Friday night (Friday being the last night I had with my baby) for a roast chicken dinner- just like the one that I cooked to tempt my boy on that last night. Catworship has decided to do something similar. Anyone else is welcome to do similar, in fact the idea that my Baby's memorial dinner is being kind of replicated overseas makes me smile

Hi catworship I am so sorry to hear of your loss of little Nim. It's great to read that you and Amber have chatted and will be making memorial roast chicken dinners. What a really nice idea!

Take it as easy as possible. You are in my thoughts an prayers.

Hugs

Peter