Hello all, I just want to write down everything that has happened in the past 2 days. I'm hoping it will help ease the pain in some way, as a form of catharsis.
I lost my dearest cat Tsjip (weird name, I know, there's a story, but it is difficult to explain... I am Belgian and the name is a form of Dutch dialect) just 39 hours ago. She was the most wonderful cat. I had had her for 12 years, since she was a kitten. She was always a very healthy, active cat and even at 12 she was very playful. I have had her for HALF of my life (thus far) and I was always so scared something would happen to her (or my other 2 cats) and 2 days ago my fear became reality.
It was about midnight as I was getting ready for bed in the bathroom. I heard a strange meow and immediately knew something was wrong. I went out to look and saw Tsjip under a table, with her mouth wide open. At first I thought something was in her throat, so I checked but there was nothing. Then she walked a bit and she was dragging her back legs. After a couple steps she laid down on the floor. I panicked, started to cry and called my vet. I brought her there and he checked her. She was in shock and he thought she either had been hit on the back and had a shifted vertebrae or had gotten a hit to her head and had a concussion. He administered cortisone and something to calm her and she stayed there overnight.
I was worried sick and didn't sleep at all. In the morning he called and was very positive. The cortisone had shrunk down her brain again to normal size and she was walking fine. As I arrived to pick her up I was so happy, because she did indeed seem fine. The vet let her walk on the floor and she was walking normally and when I picked her up and petted her she was purring. I was so happy to see her healthy again. I took her home, but when I let her out of her basket she seemed very weak. She just walked a couple of steps and then went to lay down. She did eat and drink a bit (she also did this at the vet he told me) so I thought she was fine and just needed some time to recover. I kept a very close eye on her though.
That afternoon I noticed her breathing became quite rapid and shallow and her mouth was hanging open. I was very worried so I called the vet to ask if this was normal and if I should bring her in. He said that she was fine when he saw her (and she was indeed) and that it was best for her to recuperate at home. I kept checking on her, but noticed she was getting worse. She was purring, which I knew in this case was a bad sign. She also meowed very loudly and had stepped away from me and just laid there (I know cats want to be alone as they are dying). I was very scared and crying a lot already. At about 11pm I called the vet again. He wanted to help, but was out of town so he gave me the number of a nearby vet. I called the other vet and around midnight we were at the dr with my my cat. The dr. said she was in shock and was worried about her heavy breathing. It sounded like there was a lot of fluid on her lungs. She listened with the stethoscope (my regular vet also did this) but couldn't really hear anything.
We then took an X-ray, but it did not show a lot of fluid on her lungs or around her heart. The dr. was not sure, but she said it was serious and definitely something heart/lung related, maybe a lung embolism. She gave her some cortisone and a diuretic and took her home with her for observation. I was devastated and again did not sleep. At about 7 AM she called me and said things had taken a turn for the worse. Now Tsjip could not even sit up anymore and she thought it was best to euthanize her, given her 12 years of age and the severity of her condition. I asked to see her before it happened. I went down to the vet practice and there I saw her. The image of her lying in the cage, completely weak, heavily breathing and with her mouth a bit blue. She was obviously in distress and I could hardly bear seeing my baby this way. I held her little head and told the dr. I wanted to ease her pain. We first called my vet and he told me if the situation was that bad I needed to let her go.
We put her on the table and I sat next to her. She was on a blanket and covered by another one. I will never forget this. I was petting her and talking to her, I told her it was almost over and how much I loved her. The dr. administered the drug to put her to sleep, but because her circulation was so bad it did nothing. The dr. injected her with three doses, but still she was not asleep. Then the dr. used some anesthetic gas to put her to sleep. I was crying and wailing, seeing my little girl slip away. In a way I was happy when she was asleep, because the three injections had really upset me. Then the dr. gave her the final injection and just a minute later her heartbeat was gone. I remember my tears streaming down my cheeks onto the metal table.
We took her home in a box to bury her in our garden where she loved to sunbathe in the summer. I put her down in the living room and asked my sister (who was at work) if we had to wait for her to bury her. She wanted to be there to say goodbye. That whole day I kept on petting my beloved Tsjip as I tried to accept that it really was her laying there dead before me. I took her lifeless body into my arms the way I always did (she loved being held like you would a newborn, it was amazing. She's the only cat I ever had who did this). As I held her and petted her I just kept on thinking she was going to wake up, but her head just fell limp and her eyes were dead. I wailed and sobbed but she was gone...
Throughout the day I kept going to pet her, even after rigor mortis had set it. I found comfort in the fact that I could still see her and touch her soft fur. My sister got home and was also devastated. Then came the time to bury her before it got dark outside. On the one hand I wanted to bury her, as a ritual of closure. On the other hand I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to see her and touch her any more, but I knew I could not keep her with me. I put her in her favourite blanket and we buried her in our backyard where she loved to chase birds and butterflies and caught many mice.
This loss has been so sudden, filled with panic and chaos. I didn't want her to die this way. She was too young. I wish she could have died in her own house, on her blanket, just in her sleep. Unfortunately we do not get a choice in this matter. I am an emotional wreck. I have done nothing but cry. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus. I can't stop thinking about her and replaying the events in my head. I can't shake the image of her lying on that table at the vet. I can't stop thinking how scared she must have been. She hated being away from her home or in the car and in just 24 hours she was in the car several times, at 2 different vet offices and at the vet's home. she must have been so confused. I feel so guilty because maybe she thought I left her behind. I do think I made the right decision to put her to sleep (as difficult as it still is), because after she had passed a lot of fluid came out of her mouth. This was all the fluid that was building up in her lungs, and she would have never made it at her age.
The pain is so deep, I feel like my tears are endless. I put away some of her stuff, but some of it remains. It doesn't matter any way, EVERYTHING reminds me of her. The window ledge she would sit on, the glass door she would paw on to be let out or in and especially the SILENCE. I have 2 other cats, but none of them are very vocal. Tsjip was very vocal. If you just said her name she would look at you and reply with a meow. Or when you were about to pet her and you first touched her head she would make this little squeaky sound. Every night before I went to bed I would check if she was inside and now I don't have to do that any more. I can't accept the fact that I will never get to feed her, pet her, hold her like a baby any more... I will never get to hear her distinct meow any more (I would recognize hers out of a million meows) and never get to see her play any more. It is so difficult for me to understand that and I just can not accept it. I have cried so much in these past few days, I can"t seem to stop. I know that the pain will subside eventually, I know that the intense sadness will eventually go away. I know grief needs time, but right now I just feel nothing but pain and don't know what to do with myself. For 12 years she was such an important part of my life. Tsjip was an amazing, beautiful, wonderful, funny cat and I miss her so much. I wish something could take the pain away. I have such an intense longing to touch her soft fur again. I've wailed and cried and have pleaded a million times for someone to bring her back to me or to turn back time.... I know I will eventually recover but right now the hurt is just so deep...
I do feel blessed for having had her in my life. We shared wonderful moments and loved each other unconditionally (this is the beauty of having pets). I knew that someday we would have to part but I really hoped that moment would be in a few years. I try very hard to believe in some higher power and try to accept the heartaches life brings, but I am a very emotional and sensitive person. I try to remember the good times, but at this point in my grief that is very difficult. I am thankful for having had her as a cat and I am thankful I still have my 2 other cats to give my love to.
Tsjip, thank you for everything. I hope you had a wonderful life. I want you to know you were (and are) incredibly loved and we all miss you very much. I hope you are now free of any pain or sorrow and are playing in the grass somewhere with your sister (whom we unfortunately lost several years ago, but I was still very young then). I will never forget you, you are always in my heart.
Tsjip Augustus 1st 1998 - January 14th 2011
Full Version: Another Story Of Loss
Hi Sara I'm so sorry to hear about little Tsjip I understand the pain you are feeling right now completely, and why you feel like crying constantly.
As abrupt as Tsjip's passing was, you were very brave for her to ensure that she was let go without having to suffer. The fact that you were rapidly in touch with your vets proves that you loved her so much and wanted the very best for her.
My dog Bruno passed away on 5 January. Like you, I couldn't believe the injustice of him being taken earlier than expected. I always imagined he would live until 21.
Although you are feeling immense sadness right now, just realise that you were totally brave for Tsjip and did absolutely everything you could for her. She will be eternally thankful for your bravery and devotion.
Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Peter
As abrupt as Tsjip's passing was, you were very brave for her to ensure that she was let go without having to suffer. The fact that you were rapidly in touch with your vets proves that you loved her so much and wanted the very best for her.
My dog Bruno passed away on 5 January. Like you, I couldn't believe the injustice of him being taken earlier than expected. I always imagined he would live until 21.
Although you are feeling immense sadness right now, just realise that you were totally brave for Tsjip and did absolutely everything you could for her. She will be eternally thankful for your bravery and devotion.
Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Peter
Sara, I want to add my heartfelt sympathy on your loss of your beloved Tsjip. I lost my cats several years ago and my little girl dog this week. I have also been wailing and crying but finally made myself go out of the house on the 4th day. That did help. You know that the way you feel now if normal and it will get better but I understand how horrible the pain is now.
I hope that knowing there are other people out here who care will help you.
I hope that knowing there are other people out here who care will help you.
Thank you for your kind replies. It really means a lot to me, knowing people care about my grief. A lot of people around me do not understand how I can be so sad over this. Luckily some of my best friends do understand and one of them has been regularly calling me and inviting me over to just talk about it. I went to see her yesterday and just talked about it and she really comforted me.
It's so difficult for me to walk around the house and see every spot where she used to sleep, walk, eat.... then I look out the window and in the garden I see her little grave instead of her playing outside. I used to look out my bedroom window and see her walk down the street (we live in a very quiet cul-de-sac with hardly any cars and a nice little garden in the middle where she used to play) and then I would call her name and she would look up at me and then she would come running to the house and I would let her in. I miss that so much.
When I am in my car driving home I can't help but cry because I know she won't be there waiting for me.
I am trying to spend a lot of time with my other cats, but it is difficult because all I can think is how I want Tsjip to be here as well...
It's so difficult for me to walk around the house and see every spot where she used to sleep, walk, eat.... then I look out the window and in the garden I see her little grave instead of her playing outside. I used to look out my bedroom window and see her walk down the street (we live in a very quiet cul-de-sac with hardly any cars and a nice little garden in the middle where she used to play) and then I would call her name and she would look up at me and then she would come running to the house and I would let her in. I miss that so much.
When I am in my car driving home I can't help but cry because I know she won't be there waiting for me.
I am trying to spend a lot of time with my other cats, but it is difficult because all I can think is how I want Tsjip to be here as well...
Hi, Sarah, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Tsjip. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.
Each beloved companion we are blessed to know during our earthly journey is special. Our relationships with them are as individual as the relationships we have with other people. Even when there are other beloved companions in the home, the physical absence of a very integral part of our family is enormous. Scientific studies have proven that every living being has an "energy," and when this "energy" is no longer physically present, the entire dynamics of the family unit changes. Your family unit, Sarah, has changed in one of the hardest experiences we will know on this side of eternity. Our lives change for the better when our beloved companions come into our lives with their "energy", and they change again when our companions precede us to the angels. This time, however, we are blessed with the presence of their sweet Living Spirit's forever with us in our hearts and our memores, for the bond of love we share with our beloved compainons is eternal, Sarah - - it is not confined to the physical laws of time and space.
This grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions, and it is a very difficult adjustment indeed, particularly during the deep grief. I do vividly remember the gut-wrenching sobbing driving into work and home, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. This grief journey is undeniably very painful, both emotionally and physically. And it is a journey you do not have to travel alone. I am so glad you have some friends who are being a source of comfort and encouragement to you. Please know that each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here, Sarah.
Sarah, thank you so much for sharing your precious Tsjip with us. It is important for you to do what is comforting for you to help yourself through these very difficult days. And it is important that you get as much rest as you possibly can and to try to eat something - - even it's just soup broth for now, for your body is under a lot of stress grieving, and it takes a lot of energy to edure this grief journey.
Sarah, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Each beloved companion we are blessed to know during our earthly journey is special. Our relationships with them are as individual as the relationships we have with other people. Even when there are other beloved companions in the home, the physical absence of a very integral part of our family is enormous. Scientific studies have proven that every living being has an "energy," and when this "energy" is no longer physically present, the entire dynamics of the family unit changes. Your family unit, Sarah, has changed in one of the hardest experiences we will know on this side of eternity. Our lives change for the better when our beloved companions come into our lives with their "energy", and they change again when our companions precede us to the angels. This time, however, we are blessed with the presence of their sweet Living Spirit's forever with us in our hearts and our memores, for the bond of love we share with our beloved compainons is eternal, Sarah - - it is not confined to the physical laws of time and space.
This grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions, and it is a very difficult adjustment indeed, particularly during the deep grief. I do vividly remember the gut-wrenching sobbing driving into work and home, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. This grief journey is undeniably very painful, both emotionally and physically. And it is a journey you do not have to travel alone. I am so glad you have some friends who are being a source of comfort and encouragement to you. Please know that each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here, Sarah.
Sarah, thank you so much for sharing your precious Tsjip with us. It is important for you to do what is comforting for you to help yourself through these very difficult days. And it is important that you get as much rest as you possibly can and to try to eat something - - even it's just soup broth for now, for your body is under a lot of stress grieving, and it takes a lot of energy to edure this grief journey.
Sarah, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Thank you for your heartfelt reply.
Today started out very difficult again. I sat at the table trying to eat something, but I just started crying again seeing the places where my beloved Tsjip was snoozing and playing just a few days ago.
I then had several prior engagements that I could not get out of, so I got out of the house and was with people all day. I had other things on my mind and even though I did think about Tsjip and talked about the past couple of days with some people, I also relaxed a little bit and even laughed quite a bit.
Now I feel so incredibly guilty for enjoying myself so shortly after her passing. I got back home and was overwhelmed by sadness again (although I feel like I am unable to cry any more, even though I maybe want to...) and I feel so bad about myself.
Today started out very difficult again. I sat at the table trying to eat something, but I just started crying again seeing the places where my beloved Tsjip was snoozing and playing just a few days ago.
I then had several prior engagements that I could not get out of, so I got out of the house and was with people all day. I had other things on my mind and even though I did think about Tsjip and talked about the past couple of days with some people, I also relaxed a little bit and even laughed quite a bit.
Now I feel so incredibly guilty for enjoying myself so shortly after her passing. I got back home and was overwhelmed by sadness again (although I feel like I am unable to cry any more, even though I maybe want to...) and I feel so bad about myself.
Hi Sara,
I can relate to what you wrote today. It is my wedding anniversary and my husband and I have been out much of the day. I know that this is what we must do to work through the grief. If I did not have places I have to go then I would not get out of bed because I miss my dog so much.
Guilt is a normal part of the grief process but you must know that whether it was today or another day, you must go out again and live.
I am sending you a hug.
Joanne
I can relate to what you wrote today. It is my wedding anniversary and my husband and I have been out much of the day. I know that this is what we must do to work through the grief. If I did not have places I have to go then I would not get out of bed because I miss my dog so much.
Guilt is a normal part of the grief process but you must know that whether it was today or another day, you must go out again and live.
I am sending you a hug.
Joanne
Hi Sara
I am so sorry to read of your loss. It is so hard to reconcile the paradox of the decision we make to ease the suffering of our beloved pets with the fact that the decision results in this terrible grief. It is good that you are able to go out - I am sure your beloved Tsjip would want you to laugh ..... don't be hard on yourself for enjoying yourself. There is no "right" way to make it through this grief journey - just do what your heart tells you is best. My thoughts and prayers are with you - take care.
Margie
I am so sorry to read of your loss. It is so hard to reconcile the paradox of the decision we make to ease the suffering of our beloved pets with the fact that the decision results in this terrible grief. It is good that you are able to go out - I am sure your beloved Tsjip would want you to laugh ..... don't be hard on yourself for enjoying yourself. There is no "right" way to make it through this grief journey - just do what your heart tells you is best. My thoughts and prayers are with you - take care.
Margie
Thank for your replies. I am so thankful this forum exists.
I cried again today as I went downstairs and looked at all the place where she used to sit. I am just unable to understand that she was sitting and sleeping there just a couple days ago and she was so healthy and playful and now she's just gone and will never be back. I just can't grasp that that is the reality. I don't understand how things happened so quickly. I was not prepared at all for this, I thought we had many years left together, so I am not coping well at all.
I just keep on playing the events from those 36 terrible hours during which it all happened, over and over and over again in my head. I keep on seeing her little face in front of me as she was lying in that cage at the vets right before she died. She looked so miserable and sad. She was so weak, had such trouble breathing, her mouth hanging open and blue... This image just haunts me. I keep on imagining what she must have felt. Those last hours of her life she didn't understand what was going on and that makes me so incredibly sad. I keep on thinking about the moment she stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating. It's like I need to think of that moment over and over again, just to believe that she really is gone.
I just can't understand. It's not fair! I need her to be with me again. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. She was so amazing. I just need her back.
I thought I was doing better yesterday and was starting to accept her death, but today I just don't know what to do with myself and this overwhelming sadness.
I cried again today as I went downstairs and looked at all the place where she used to sit. I am just unable to understand that she was sitting and sleeping there just a couple days ago and she was so healthy and playful and now she's just gone and will never be back. I just can't grasp that that is the reality. I don't understand how things happened so quickly. I was not prepared at all for this, I thought we had many years left together, so I am not coping well at all.
I just keep on playing the events from those 36 terrible hours during which it all happened, over and over and over again in my head. I keep on seeing her little face in front of me as she was lying in that cage at the vets right before she died. She looked so miserable and sad. She was so weak, had such trouble breathing, her mouth hanging open and blue... This image just haunts me. I keep on imagining what she must have felt. Those last hours of her life she didn't understand what was going on and that makes me so incredibly sad. I keep on thinking about the moment she stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating. It's like I need to think of that moment over and over again, just to believe that she really is gone.
I just can't understand. It's not fair! I need her to be with me again. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. She was so amazing. I just need her back.
I thought I was doing better yesterday and was starting to accept her death, but today I just don't know what to do with myself and this overwhelming sadness.
Hi Sara
For what it's worth, whenever the heartbreaking images of my Bruno's final moments come into my mind and refuse to budge, I take deep breaths and try to allow the sights and sounds of Bruno in happier times to drift into my mind.
Recalling his heartbreaking final moments causes me immense pain, but I'm trying to 'train' myself to focus away from those memories in favour of the delightful ones. I'm not denying what's happened to him and how he passed away, but for the sake of my sanity I'm just trying to force myself to think of all his positive memories as much as possible.
Take care
Peter
For what it's worth, whenever the heartbreaking images of my Bruno's final moments come into my mind and refuse to budge, I take deep breaths and try to allow the sights and sounds of Bruno in happier times to drift into my mind.
Recalling his heartbreaking final moments causes me immense pain, but I'm trying to 'train' myself to focus away from those memories in favour of the delightful ones. I'm not denying what's happened to him and how he passed away, but for the sake of my sanity I'm just trying to force myself to think of all his positive memories as much as possible.
Take care
Peter
Hi, Sara, this grief journey is more of "adjustment" than acceptance. I don't think we ever truly accept the physical loss of our loved ones - - whether they be our beloved companions or a human family member or friend. It is a tribute to the love we share with our beloved companions to continue with our earthly journey when they precede us to the angels, as they continue on with us in our hearts and memories. We are adjusting to their physical absence, and this is a very painful adjustment - - both emotionally and physically.
Sara, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey. And just when we think that we have come through the worst part of it, we may hear a favorite song or think of a special memory or a particular special event may come up for celebration and we find ourselves totally engulfed in a moment of grief and deep sorrow - - because we miss having the physical presence of our beloved companions. The problem with having them physically back with us after they have joined the angels is that their precious bodies would once again be subject to the same illnesses and injuries that required their physical departure from us the first time. It doesn't matter if it's one hour, one day, one month, one year, five years, 10 years - - or 50 years - - we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more - - life time with our beloved companions. Our earthly journey with them is never ever long enough.
We live in a physical world based on sight, sound, touch, taste, and hearing. And these five senses are also the basis of our beloved companions' physical life as well. But even though our lives are grounded in the five senses, there is also another dimension that supercedes all of this -- and it is the dimension of unconditional love - - the love bond that totally captivates our hearts and souls with our beloved companions. This love bond is eternal - - and it is not dependent on the physical laws of time and space. Hopefully as your deep grief eases, Sara, you will come to know that your precious Tsjip is forever with you just as she always has been and always will be. She continues to share your life in real time now - - for she is no longer dependent upon you coming home to share with her how your day has been.
But I know how difficult this is to understand when your heart is shattered with the deepest grief you will know on this side of eternity. I can only hope that in time you will find what I have shared with you today to be a source of encouragement, comfort, and hope to you.
Sara, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Sara, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey. And just when we think that we have come through the worst part of it, we may hear a favorite song or think of a special memory or a particular special event may come up for celebration and we find ourselves totally engulfed in a moment of grief and deep sorrow - - because we miss having the physical presence of our beloved companions. The problem with having them physically back with us after they have joined the angels is that their precious bodies would once again be subject to the same illnesses and injuries that required their physical departure from us the first time. It doesn't matter if it's one hour, one day, one month, one year, five years, 10 years - - or 50 years - - we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more - - life time with our beloved companions. Our earthly journey with them is never ever long enough.
We live in a physical world based on sight, sound, touch, taste, and hearing. And these five senses are also the basis of our beloved companions' physical life as well. But even though our lives are grounded in the five senses, there is also another dimension that supercedes all of this -- and it is the dimension of unconditional love - - the love bond that totally captivates our hearts and souls with our beloved companions. This love bond is eternal - - and it is not dependent on the physical laws of time and space. Hopefully as your deep grief eases, Sara, you will come to know that your precious Tsjip is forever with you just as she always has been and always will be. She continues to share your life in real time now - - for she is no longer dependent upon you coming home to share with her how your day has been.
But I know how difficult this is to understand when your heart is shattered with the deepest grief you will know on this side of eternity. I can only hope that in time you will find what I have shared with you today to be a source of encouragement, comfort, and hope to you.
Sara, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Sara,
Just want you to know that I am thinking about you tonight. I am sorry you are still feeling so much pain but your loss wasn't that long ago. At least on the days that I work I am out of the house and not constantly looking at the places Zoe would be if she were still with us. It is when I am on my way home and then in the house that it hits me again. Sounds like you are having the same experience. Are you getting out every day? How is the weather where you are?
We have snow and ice but roads are clear so I was able to get to work today.
Wishing you a good night.
Joanne
Just want you to know that I am thinking about you tonight. I am sorry you are still feeling so much pain but your loss wasn't that long ago. At least on the days that I work I am out of the house and not constantly looking at the places Zoe would be if she were still with us. It is when I am on my way home and then in the house that it hits me again. Sounds like you are having the same experience. Are you getting out every day? How is the weather where you are?
We have snow and ice but roads are clear so I was able to get to work today.
Wishing you a good night.
Joanne
Tomorrow marks one month since Tsjip's death. I'm still devastated over this loss. I miss her so much it hurts. when I look at pictures on my computer I reach out to touch the screen, hoping to feel her soft fur again.
I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms, and the thought that that can never happen is agonizing.
The past month has been the worst of my life. Besides Tsjip's passing, other things also happened, which have left me feeling drained, exhausted, empty and sad.
I hope the rest of 2011 will treat me better and I definitely hope my sadness will fade with each passing day...
I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms, and the thought that that can never happen is agonizing.
The past month has been the worst of my life. Besides Tsjip's passing, other things also happened, which have left me feeling drained, exhausted, empty and sad.
I hope the rest of 2011 will treat me better and I definitely hope my sadness will fade with each passing day...
Hi, Sara, the anniversaries are hard because they are a blatant reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us, and when there are multiple traumatic events it amplifies the loss. I so well understand when you say "I hope the rest of 2011 will treat me better . . " I felt the same way this time last year knowing that my beautiful Abbygayle's earthly journey with Noah and me was quickly declining, and it only being less than 3 months since my Oslo had joined the angels. I didn't care if spring ever arrived, I didn't care about a lot of things. Noah, our home together, and this wonderful forum sustained me through last year - - nothing else mattered. This year, I am finding myself looking forward to spring, and for that I am grateful.
This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, Sara, and yes, each day is one day closer to a time when your deep grief will ease. But I do understand so very well how hard that is to even remotely believe right now. I hope you will feel our individual and collective strength and encouragement reaching out to you across the cyber miles bringing comfort and hope to you. Please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you every step you take, surrounding you to support you when you feel like you just can't do it anymore and need time to just rest.
Thank you so much for sharing your precious Tsjip with us, Sara. I hope you can feel her sweet Living Spirit forever with you in your heart - - she is always a heartbeat close to you, for she is forever a part of you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Sara, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever posisble.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, Sara, and yes, each day is one day closer to a time when your deep grief will ease. But I do understand so very well how hard that is to even remotely believe right now. I hope you will feel our individual and collective strength and encouragement reaching out to you across the cyber miles bringing comfort and hope to you. Please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you every step you take, surrounding you to support you when you feel like you just can't do it anymore and need time to just rest.
Thank you so much for sharing your precious Tsjip with us, Sara. I hope you can feel her sweet Living Spirit forever with you in your heart - - she is always a heartbeat close to you, for she is forever a part of you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Sara, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever posisble.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
I was thinking about you today and wondering how you are. Today is one month since Zoe was killed and I know you and I joined this Forum about the same time,
Have you been able to start sleeping any better? Ae you taking care of yourself. I am a mother hen, you can see that. Grief really does rob us of our strenth and in my case, concentration at time. Do you have people you can talk to about your feelings? I don't so I am happy to be able to come here.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are.
Joanne
Have you been able to start sleeping any better? Ae you taking care of yourself. I am a mother hen, you can see that. Grief really does rob us of our strenth and in my case, concentration at time. Do you have people you can talk to about your feelings? I don't so I am happy to be able to come here.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are.
Joanne
QUOTE (JoanneL @ Feb 10 2011, 09:36 PM) 
I was thinking about you today and wondering how you are. Today is one month since Zoe was killed and I know you and I joined this Forum about the same time,
Have you been able to start sleeping any better? Ae you taking care of yourself. I am a mother hen, you can see that. Grief really does rob us of our strenth and in my case, concentration at time. Do you have people you can talk to about your feelings? I don't so I am happy to be able to come here.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are.
Joanne
Have you been able to start sleeping any better? Ae you taking care of yourself. I am a mother hen, you can see that. Grief really does rob us of our strenth and in my case, concentration at time. Do you have people you can talk to about your feelings? I don't so I am happy to be able to come here.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are.
Joanne
Hi Joanne,
I also remember us joining around the same time. I said it had been one month since Tsjip's passing. It has actually been exactly 4 weeks today, it will be 1 month on Valentine's Day. But today marked an emotional day, because it had been exactly four weeks...I remember that friday so well...It was 7AM when I got the call from my vet that i would have to let her go. This morning I had to be at my work at 7AM and as I was driving there I started thinking about everything that happened 4 weeks ago...
I have had trouble sleeping (because of my grief, but also other things). I am currently taking some herbal pills to help with that, but I feel like they give me very intense dreams, and I don't think that's very good for me right now...
I too am very happy this place exists so I can talk. I don't really have anyone I can talk to, except my mom. I talked to her about Tsjip tonight, about how it had been 4 weeks. she also misses her, but my mom is more rational and was not as close to Tsjip as I was. I was the only one who was there when everything happened, I was the one taking her to the vet, trying to save her....i was there when she was put to sleep. I think because I experienced all of that I am struck more by the grief, because the whole thing haunts me. I keep seeing it all happen, I dream about it, I can't get those terrible images out of my mind.
I hope you are doing well.
xx
Sara
And yesterday my mom wanted to call outside for our other cat to come in, and she accidentally called out Tsjip's name. It was very strange. I have caught myself almost saying Tsjip to our other cats...
Sara, good to hear from you.
I don't really know what to say to you tonight. Monday was 4 weeks for me and it was much harder than the actual date anniversary. I also have dreams some nights and don't sleep well without some small dose of medication. I try not to take anything unless it is a night when I have to get up for work the next morning.
I am glad you are still coming here to talk about how you are feeling. This is a totally safe place where everyone understands what we are going through.
Got to get some sleep as I have work early in the am. Hope you get some rest.
Joanne
I don't really know what to say to you tonight. Monday was 4 weeks for me and it was much harder than the actual date anniversary. I also have dreams some nights and don't sleep well without some small dose of medication. I try not to take anything unless it is a night when I have to get up for work the next morning.
I am glad you are still coming here to talk about how you are feeling. This is a totally safe place where everyone understands what we are going through.
Got to get some sleep as I have work early in the am. Hope you get some rest.
Joanne
"And yesterday my mom wanted to call outside for our other cat to come in, and she accidentally called out Tsjip's name. It was very strange. I have caught myself almost saying Tsjip to our other cats..."
Hi, Sara, I'm finally being able to get caught up on your posts. Thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. It is quite normal for you and your mom to call Tsjip's name. Our beloved companions are always with us, including when they precede us to the angels. There are times when I find myself calling for Noah and Eli's or Abbygayle's name will follow - - or be spoken first. I firmly believe that our angel companions still love to hear their names called from those who love them on this side of eternity - - it is a sweet fragrance lifting upward to their hearts and ears crossing the Bridge, and is one of many ways of our continued communication with them. So, please do not be distressed by this. Instead, think of it as your saying her name and knowing that it is because she is intently thinking of you and speaking her name is a confirmation that you have received her love reaching to you across the Bridge - - for love is eternal, Sara - - it is not bound by the limitations of time and space.
It is normal for the last days, hours, moments of our beloved companions' earthly journey with us to be the memories that are forefront on our minds during the deep grief adjustment. These are very traumatic, intense memories filled with many different emotions. It will take some time for the intensity of these memories to ease. When I was receiving counseling several years ago for a very traumatic event the counselor helped me learn how to re-focus my thoughts when I found myself having a flashback event. Basically it is forcing ourselves to think of something different to distract our minds from the "flashback" to the traumatic event. This takes a LOT of practice, and the more severe the traumatic event the more determination it takes to learn this technique. But it does help. Will these memories ever completely fade away? No, because they are a part of us - - of our experiences on our earthly journey. The good news is that eventually the intensity will ease so that we can focus our thoughts on our GOOD memories, and this is what your precious Tsjip wants for you - - to embrace the GOOD memories you shared during her earthly journey with you so that you can continue to share your earthly journey with her - - for she is forever a part of you, Sara - - it's just that your relationship with her has temporarily transformed to a different dimension.
Sara, I wish there were some way that I could help make the anniversaries easier for you, and our wonderful friends on this forum. Unfortunately I don't have that power. The only thing I can do is to offer you my sincerest friendship hoping that in some way it can bring comfort, encouragement, support, and hope to you as your travel your grief adjustment journey. Please know you are in my thougts and prayers, Sara, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hi, Sara, I'm finally being able to get caught up on your posts. Thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. It is quite normal for you and your mom to call Tsjip's name. Our beloved companions are always with us, including when they precede us to the angels. There are times when I find myself calling for Noah and Eli's or Abbygayle's name will follow - - or be spoken first. I firmly believe that our angel companions still love to hear their names called from those who love them on this side of eternity - - it is a sweet fragrance lifting upward to their hearts and ears crossing the Bridge, and is one of many ways of our continued communication with them. So, please do not be distressed by this. Instead, think of it as your saying her name and knowing that it is because she is intently thinking of you and speaking her name is a confirmation that you have received her love reaching to you across the Bridge - - for love is eternal, Sara - - it is not bound by the limitations of time and space.
It is normal for the last days, hours, moments of our beloved companions' earthly journey with us to be the memories that are forefront on our minds during the deep grief adjustment. These are very traumatic, intense memories filled with many different emotions. It will take some time for the intensity of these memories to ease. When I was receiving counseling several years ago for a very traumatic event the counselor helped me learn how to re-focus my thoughts when I found myself having a flashback event. Basically it is forcing ourselves to think of something different to distract our minds from the "flashback" to the traumatic event. This takes a LOT of practice, and the more severe the traumatic event the more determination it takes to learn this technique. But it does help. Will these memories ever completely fade away? No, because they are a part of us - - of our experiences on our earthly journey. The good news is that eventually the intensity will ease so that we can focus our thoughts on our GOOD memories, and this is what your precious Tsjip wants for you - - to embrace the GOOD memories you shared during her earthly journey with you so that you can continue to share your earthly journey with her - - for she is forever a part of you, Sara - - it's just that your relationship with her has temporarily transformed to a different dimension.
Sara, I wish there were some way that I could help make the anniversaries easier for you, and our wonderful friends on this forum. Unfortunately I don't have that power. The only thing I can do is to offer you my sincerest friendship hoping that in some way it can bring comfort, encouragement, support, and hope to you as your travel your grief adjustment journey. Please know you are in my thougts and prayers, Sara, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Well, on Monday it will have been 2 months since my believed Tsjip passed. It is still so very difficult. Of course not as difficult as those first days when I really believed I would never be able to stop crying.
I'm still very emotional. I don't cry every day any more, but pretty close to that. Whenever I shut down my computer at night I see Tsjip's precious face on my desktop and I can hardly ever contain my tears. I always tell her how sorry I am. I am definitely struggling with guilt. I feel like maybe I didn't do enough, maybe it was the wrong decision to put her to sleep.
I am traumatized by the events of 2 months ago. Those three horrible days when Tsjip got sick so very suddenly and everything was so chaotic and full off panic and which eventually ended in her death. When I drive past (or even just near) the two vets she was at during the last days in her life, I freak out and start crying. I can hardly bear driving past the vet's office where she was eventually put to sleep. I can't believe that is where I last saw her alive. Very often I force myself to go over those events, how I went to the vet, how I saw her lying there, her meowing, when she was given the injections... I don't know why I force myself to think about it. Or maybe I don't really force myself and I just think about it. I don't know, it is very confusing.
Looking at her grave is horrible and surreal. I still can't believe she's gone and buried. The hyacinths I planted are starting to bloom though and my mom also planted forget-me-nots. We also put up a little solar-powered light near her grave. It looks nice, but of course it doesn't really help with the pain.
I'm still very emotional. I don't cry every day any more, but pretty close to that. Whenever I shut down my computer at night I see Tsjip's precious face on my desktop and I can hardly ever contain my tears. I always tell her how sorry I am. I am definitely struggling with guilt. I feel like maybe I didn't do enough, maybe it was the wrong decision to put her to sleep.
I am traumatized by the events of 2 months ago. Those three horrible days when Tsjip got sick so very suddenly and everything was so chaotic and full off panic and which eventually ended in her death. When I drive past (or even just near) the two vets she was at during the last days in her life, I freak out and start crying. I can hardly bear driving past the vet's office where she was eventually put to sleep. I can't believe that is where I last saw her alive. Very often I force myself to go over those events, how I went to the vet, how I saw her lying there, her meowing, when she was given the injections... I don't know why I force myself to think about it. Or maybe I don't really force myself and I just think about it. I don't know, it is very confusing.
Looking at her grave is horrible and surreal. I still can't believe she's gone and buried. The hyacinths I planted are starting to bloom though and my mom also planted forget-me-nots. We also put up a little solar-powered light near her grave. It looks nice, but of course it doesn't really help with the pain.
Hi, Sara, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. The anniversaries are always hard particularly when we are still in deep grief from the physical loss of our beloved companions.
"Very often I force myself to go over those events, how I went to the vet, how I saw her lying there, her meowing, when she was given the injections... I don't know why I force myself to think about it. Or maybe I don't really force myself and I just think about it. I don't know, it is very confusing."
Sara, sometimes we have to force ourselves to re-direct our thoughts to something entirely different to keep ourselves from focusing on traumatic events. I know this is easier said than done - - believe me - - but it does help to re-process our brain's focus to something else. In a traumatic event our brain's focus on the event and it replays over and over like a phonograph needle stuck in the groove of a vinyl record. In order to continue on with the rest of the music, we had to pick up the stylus arm and replace the needle on the vinyl record beyond where the groove was. The same principle applies to our brain when it is having difficulty coping with a traumatic event. Sometimes we have to consciously re-focus our thoughts - - and find alternate activities - - to help our brains cope with the traumatic memory. Perhaps you could find an alternate route that does not take you past the vet hospitals where your precious Tsjip spent her last days, hours. It is important to try to find ways to lessen the continual re-playing of the events that have physically separated you from your precious Tsjip.
Sara, your precious girl is at peace, and peace in your heart is what she wants so much for you. I hope you will be able to come to know in your heart that you did the very right and best thing for your precious Tsjip, and she is eternally thankful to you for releasing her from her painful failing physical body. No greater love is this, Sara, for you sacrificed your happiness for what is best for your precious girl. This kind of love is eternal, Sara, and I hope and pray with all my heart that you can feel your precious Tsjip's sweet Living Spirit forever with you in your heart and memories.
Sara, thank you again so much for letting us know how you're doing. This grief journey is a very painful one - - some days are easier than others, and in our deep grief we must hang onto the encouragement and support of others who truly do understand what we're feeling to comfort us and strengthen us one day at a time. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Sara, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
"Very often I force myself to go over those events, how I went to the vet, how I saw her lying there, her meowing, when she was given the injections... I don't know why I force myself to think about it. Or maybe I don't really force myself and I just think about it. I don't know, it is very confusing."
Sara, sometimes we have to force ourselves to re-direct our thoughts to something entirely different to keep ourselves from focusing on traumatic events. I know this is easier said than done - - believe me - - but it does help to re-process our brain's focus to something else. In a traumatic event our brain's focus on the event and it replays over and over like a phonograph needle stuck in the groove of a vinyl record. In order to continue on with the rest of the music, we had to pick up the stylus arm and replace the needle on the vinyl record beyond where the groove was. The same principle applies to our brain when it is having difficulty coping with a traumatic event. Sometimes we have to consciously re-focus our thoughts - - and find alternate activities - - to help our brains cope with the traumatic memory. Perhaps you could find an alternate route that does not take you past the vet hospitals where your precious Tsjip spent her last days, hours. It is important to try to find ways to lessen the continual re-playing of the events that have physically separated you from your precious Tsjip.
Sara, your precious girl is at peace, and peace in your heart is what she wants so much for you. I hope you will be able to come to know in your heart that you did the very right and best thing for your precious Tsjip, and she is eternally thankful to you for releasing her from her painful failing physical body. No greater love is this, Sara, for you sacrificed your happiness for what is best for your precious girl. This kind of love is eternal, Sara, and I hope and pray with all my heart that you can feel your precious Tsjip's sweet Living Spirit forever with you in your heart and memories.
Sara, thank you again so much for letting us know how you're doing. This grief journey is a very painful one - - some days are easier than others, and in our deep grief we must hang onto the encouragement and support of others who truly do understand what we're feeling to comfort us and strengthen us one day at a time. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Sara, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hi Sara,
So glad you came by to tell us how you are doing. I have been thinking about you. I share some of your feelings about driving past the spot where your darling kitty died. I often have those feelings driving on the street near our house where Zoe was hit by the car. There are places we cannot avoid and I do agree with moon-beam that sometimes we have to force ourselves to redirect our thoughts. I have tried that and it will work for a while. There are just times now when I do not want to deal with the intense pain and I say "stop" and try to think of something else. Have you ever tried that?
Sounds so nice that you are seeing flowers already. We don't have any yet but I am looking forward to Spring. I hope for you that you can find some peace and less guilt. There really are things that we just can't change no matter how much we would like to. I am thinking of you and hope the rest of the weekend is pleasant.
Please come by and let us know how you are-felt like we were losing touch.
So glad you came by to tell us how you are doing. I have been thinking about you. I share some of your feelings about driving past the spot where your darling kitty died. I often have those feelings driving on the street near our house where Zoe was hit by the car. There are places we cannot avoid and I do agree with moon-beam that sometimes we have to force ourselves to redirect our thoughts. I have tried that and it will work for a while. There are just times now when I do not want to deal with the intense pain and I say "stop" and try to think of something else. Have you ever tried that?
Sounds so nice that you are seeing flowers already. We don't have any yet but I am looking forward to Spring. I hope for you that you can find some peace and less guilt. There really are things that we just can't change no matter how much we would like to. I am thinking of you and hope the rest of the weekend is pleasant.
Please come by and let us know how you are-felt like we were losing touch.
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