In the afternoon of New Years Eve I put my gorgeous boy Tam to sleep. Tam was 13 years and 8 months old and I am so privileged that he chose me to spend his life with - I had no intention of getting a dog at the time we met.....but Tam was besotted from the first time he saw me and his eyes pleaded with me to take him home. After a couple of days contemplation and acceptance of the dramatic changes I would need to make to my lifestyle, I was his....and I never regretted that decision. From that day on Tam always greeted me with sparkling eyes, his happy smile, and that big furry tail curled up. Tam's greetings meant that there was never a bad morning. Rain, hail or shine we went out for a run and every afternoon rain hail or shine he waited by the gate til I got home..... no matter how late I arrived .... any worries or stresses of the day were always eased by his greeting. Tam's non-judgmental, unconditional love - day-in, day-out and his eternal, unflinching trust in me taught me so much. Tam was one in a million in terms of his temperament - never grumpy, no complaints and so very intuitive...... I miss him terribly and I am heartbroken to lose the most devoted and sensitive companion possible but my sadness is tempered by seeing Tam so peaceful at the end and feeling his spirit come back to the house yesterday.

Please only read on if you want to know more details.....

On 3 December 2010 Tam was diagnosed with a tumour in his maxillary sinus, and on 14 December the biopsy results (much slower in animals than humans) showed it was a very aggressive type - the vet and I agreed that given his age and the location of the tumour, it was in Tam's best interests to manage it with steroids and painkillers. Despite his declining health, Tam continued to come out for his usual morning and evening "sessions" with me - I am sure there must have been days when he would have preferred to stay in bed but being such a stoic and loyal boy, he came along just to please me. We had a rough day on Wednesday but on Thursday Tam had his best day in weeks - we spent a fantastic day together - Tam even ran a short distance when we went out in the morning! I had the week off so we were able to spend the whole of Thursday together doing fun things and visiting Tam's favourite places. The vet has now explained to me that our great day was due to an adrenaline surge. Tam was unsettled from early on Friday morning and refused to eat or drink - his sign to me that it was time. When Tam was first diagnosed, I promised him that I would only put him to sleep if he gave me a sign (those who are close to their pets will understand that I truly believe that somehow he understood that promise). Again, I was able to spend the whole of Friday with him and so had a great opportunity to say goodbye. I have attached a photo of my gorgeous boy.

I thank our Creator for the gift of Tam - enjoy your life without any ailments while you wait for me before you cross Rainbow Bridge!

I keep typing and retyping a response. I lost my boy on New Years Morning. My heart goes out to you... everyone keeps telling me that it gets better so I guess they are right.

Thanks for your response Amber .... I am sorry for your loss. I have found that with great support by my dear friends who have listened to me talk about Tam and how I feel, each day has been a little easier. It is night 4 for me right now and I am in bed and pretty confident that for the first time in many nights I will not be crying myself to sleep......hang in there and you might want to either use this forum, or your friends, or both, to talk about your boy and how you are going.....from my past few days, it is not something I could get through easily on my own.....and there's not much I can't get through!

Best wishes

Margie Jane

Dear Margie,

That's ok. I did hunt for the right words to say- but I'm not sure that any words are right now. I'm actually quite surprised that I appear to be functioning reasonably well- thanks to the support of friends and family, and thanks to this site too. It feels like the world should have stopped, but it hasn't. Makes me think of the "stop the clocks" poem... well a version of it...

W. H. Auden


Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Not exactly uplifting, but it made me feel that someone understood...

Hi Amber I like your adaptation! I am an eternal optimist and remain positive in the face of adversity - I always find a silver lining in every cloud so my world has not stopped either. I have so many happy memories of Tam ..... I'm sure you would be the same with your boy. I have just cried/weeped alot ..... I just sing a couple of lines to myself and, funnily enough, they were from "cry me a river" .....
Come on and cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river over you....

In retrospect I think I did a lot of my grieving when Tam was first diagnosed and the time i had sitting on the floor with his head on my lap before going to the vet on Friday gave me plenty of opportunity to be at peace with his death. Also, whilst it may sound weird (depending on your beliefs) i can now feel his spirit is back with me.

I am happy that you are also coping well.....stay positive - i'm sure it is what would have made your boy wag his tail!

Margie

If only I could write like that- not my adaptation- but a different version from the original.

Well I was doing well, but here I am at almost 2am and I'm wide awake. I think I'll have to double my exercise so that I'm tired enough at nights to sleep. Maybe aching muscles will take my mind off that other dull ache that I just can't put my finger on.

I too got a little time before the end to begin the grieving process- although at the time I felt a little guilty because it felt a bit like giving in. Now I can see that it has been very helpful- that I had a chance to say what I needed to say and get my head around things. Of course my head is now completely undone, and I'm double-guessing every decision that I made. I'm told that's normal. I've read the stories of those who came before me to this forum and it seems like something that happens to everyone. That helps some.

I'm amazed that there is such a place for us to come together and comfort each other- and so very grateful. I hope you are doing ok.

Yes, I didn't know that the second-guessing and guilt and replaying the whole scenario in my head were "normal" parts of grieving for a pet. One of the postings on this site led me to an article that explained why pet owners have this experience at www.environmentalgraffiti.com/news-grieving-pet-loss - I also am fortunate that although my own vet was away forth long weekend, of my brothers is a vet (but lives hundreds of kms from me) and I phoned him and talked through alot of my second-guessing and guilt. I also used one of the mindfulness techniques - it's off a cd http://www.actmindfully.com.au/cds_and_boo...dfulnessSkills1

After a couple of 90 minute sleeps, I was wide awake about 2am when I wrote the last post Amber ..... Mindfulness got me to sleep for over 3 hours straight (now 5:45).... I'll now try a short nap before getting ready for my first day back at work. One of my positive thoughts has been that if it had to happen, last week was the best possible week - I had an entire week of all day everyday with Tam and three days 'recovery' without needing to explain anything at work.

I hope you got to sleep. I agree about this site - I have not used a public discussion forum before but I am finding this really helpful - thanks again for responding Amber.

Margie

Hi, Margi, please permit me add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Tam. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

I am so glad you had this dedicated time with your precious Tam to enjoy, Margi. I know these are very special memories you will always treasure in your heart, and a part of the life time of precious memories your Tam is now sharing with the angels.

Margi, this grief journey is filled with so many different emotions, highs and lows, ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds - - sometimes overwhelming us at one time. The adjustment to not having our beloved companions' physical presence with us is a very painful one - - both emotionally and physically, and is not easily done overnight, in a few days, few weeks, or even months. Just please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much, Margi, for sharing your precious Tam with us. He is a handsome lad, and he is blessed to have you for his earthly guardian. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi moon_beam

Thanks for your message - I sense we may have similar beliefs about our role as guardians of God's creatures...... as I said, I was privileged that Tam chose me and I know at a spiritual level he lives on with me although missing his physical presence is what has brought me to this site. I feel so fortunate to have found this site and I am sure to visit....sorry if this is long but I want to share my thoughts before I go home from work......

It was my first day back at work after the Christmas/New Year shutdown - my colleagues loved Tam too and have been great. In the early afternoon I headed out for a couple of hours to pick up friends at the airport including their three beautiful children. They had been away since 20 December - over the years Tam often stayed with them if I was traveling and their home is one of the special places we visited last Thursday as I was watering the garden while they were away. Their three beautiful children loved Tam (and vice versa) - they last spent time with Tam on 12 December and the 5 year old and 7 year old had lots of questions...... I am about to head home from work - the first time in 13 and a half years that Tam will not be there to greet me.

But Koko will....I haven't mentioned him before but Koko joined us (Tam and me) on 25 August 2009. Tam developed a neurological problem in late 2008 (due to dog food but that's another story!) - fortunately at the time I identified the cause early enough to stop it killing Tam but he had persistent hindleg weakness and was inclined to only get up and move when I was around (which meant he didn't move all day when I was at work). I unexpectedly got offered Koko in July 2009 and despite my initial apprehension at introducing a puppy into Tam's life at such a late stage, he was too cute to refuse (see photo). As it turned out, Koko and Tam bonded immediately (the attached photo was taken only a few hours after Koko's arrival and they slept together from then on!). Koko helped Tam recover his strength, and Tam taught Koko so much - althoug Koko's personality is totally different, they became best buddies pretty much straight away (I've attached a photo of them sharing a laugh in the backyard). Obviously Koko is also grieving now but we are helping each other!!

Thanks again moon_beam..... I truly believe Tam chose me and that I am blessed to now have Koko.....we will adjust to our new life....slowly but surely....

Margie

Hi, Margi, thank you soo o much for the wonderful pictures of your precious Tam and Koko. Even when we have other beloved companions with us there is still this huge hole in our homes and lives when one of our family members is no longer physically with us. I'm so glad you have Koko with you - - that you have each other - - for comfort and support.

There were so many foods that were affected by poisonous ingredients, and unfortunately there are still recalls happening. I'm so glad that Tam was able to recover, and how wonderful that Koko was there to offer him "therapeutic" support in his recovery. Your Tam and Koko remind me so much of my Eli and Noah - - our furkids are just phenomenal!!

Margi, even in our "stronger" moments this grief journey can blindside us with deep grief, so please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you and Koko are doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well it's two weeks today since my gorgeous boy lost his battle with cancer. This week I had to travel interstate for work ..... something I do often. You were so right moon_beam, I was blindsided.......

Each time I travel, one of things I look forward to from the moment I leave is getting back and seeing my boys..... the utter excitement of my return would make Tam leap with joy - I knew it would be hard coming home tonight - the first time in more than thirteen and a half years and hundreds of trips that my gorgeous boy Tam would not be here to greet me..... but i had not expected to be so upset when I flew out a few days ago. I suddenly realised on the plane that the anticipation of getting back home to Tam's incredible welcome was something I had from the time I left..... of course as soon as the time of that anticipation came, so did the tears...... I am sure the passenger next to me must have wondered what was up..... I guess this grief journey will have unexpected twists and turns like that....

Coming home tonight was awful - I had to put Koko in kennels because I did not want him home on his own for three nights .... so there was no greeting .... bawled my eyes out...... I really miss my gorgeous old boy.... Tomorrow morning I will pick Koko up from kennels - I know he will be excited to see me and we will spend a great weekend together but tonight my heart aches again.

Hi, Margie, the firsts - - coming home, birthdays, holidays, vacations, anniversaries - - each and all are reminders that the physical presence of someone we love is no longer with us. Another "adjustment" in our life's journey. And Koko is also experiencing a "first" - - being boarded. I feel for both you and Koko, Margie. I know you will be glad to get Koko back home, and I know Koko will be glad to be home with his mom.

Margie, I truly wish there was an easier way through this grief journey, but unfortunately there is no way to fast forward. I wish there were some words I could say that could ease your pain and sorrow, but the only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship and reassurance that you are not alone, even though there are times when you may feel so. I promise you, Margie, there will come a day, perhaps when you least expect it, perhaps when you're on a plane traveling somewhere - - that you will find yourself thinking of your precious Tam and you will find yourself smiling, and then you will know that your precious Tam's sweet Living Spirit is still with you sharing your life just as he always has, and always will. He's no longer having to wait for you to come home to greet him, for he is with you wherever you go and whatever you do - - sharing your travels and all of your daily events with you in real time. It's just going to take awhile for the shadow of deep grief to fade so that your heart will be able to feel this.

Thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Margie. I do know how each step right now in your grief journey is painful. Please know that I am here with you, for you, beside you, along with all the wonderful people in this forum, with every step you take, including when you just need to stop, or when you feel yourself crumbling to your knees in the moments of deepest sorrow, hoping you feel comforted by both our individual and collective support and encouragement.

Margie, please know you and your precious Koko are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I am looking forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam