It's been 1 month, but it's still hard. I feel the strong need to put out there to the world my story and what I'm feeling. I'll try to keep this short, I hope some people will take the time to read this.

About 8 years ago I had a family move out of a house I was renting out. After being vacant for about 3 months I started working on it to re-rent it. While working upstairs I discovered 5 kittens and mother cat living in the attic (inner city and surely street cats). I gathered them up to bring them to the humane society, but they would not take them. So they came home with me, as I tried to figure out what to do with them.

Within a week the mother was very ill, hardly standing on her own, I took her to the vet... Feline Lukemia, brought all the kittens in and only 2 tested not infected. So I had to put down the mother and 3 kittens. I got the 2nd test on the other 2 and they where in the clear. I decided to keep them and committed to myself I would not separate the brother and sister little mates.

They were well cared for indoor cats with lots of attention and love. I named the girl 'Girl' She was the runt of the litter and just a rag doll to carry around and often would fall asleep in my lap. Always sleep on the foot of the bed... She was with me when I had some hard times and lived alone in a big house, these cats helped me keep my sanity at times. When I got married the cats then became family pets... and we all enjoyed their companionship.

Girl was special to me, I nursed her through several illnesses that where close calls for her.. she seemed to be prone to health troubles. Well, here I am today, 8 years latter.. I made the choice to put her down, I can't believe I did it and I feel horrible and guilt like crazy... at 8 years she always cuddled up and slept in my lap, played like a kitten chasing toys around and throwing them around.... never asking for anything, always giving.

I took her to the vet cause she was doing 'what I was told was.. abdomin breathing'. The vet painted a very grim picture and said $300-500 to diagnos her, plus treatment if possible and that was if she survived the testing and x ray time. So I can't believe what I did, put her down without testing My wife was there and she agreed based on what the vet told us. I feel so guilty, indoor well looked after cats can live 14-16 years.... I had alot of time I might have been able to buy her. And the vet pushed us for a decision, we where emotional, lost our sence of logic, afterwords felt that we didn't ask the right questions.

After getting home, after my wife and I spent hours crying on each others shoulder... I spent hours researching the situation, I found that there where several things it could have been that would have been easily fixed (as long as she could make it for the initial treatment) I confirmed this with another vet the next day. So I miss her horribly, the house seems so much emptier for missing such a small 9 lbs cat ...and a part of me is missing as well. I wish I had that hour in the vet hospital to re-live. And I keep questioning if I would have seen signs of a problem sooner, how could I miss something leading up to this. This situation is one of my biggest regrets, what was I thinking?... I wasn't, and now I can never undo whats been done... I'm so sorry to her, her brother (Otto), myself, and our family. And it still hurts like h.....

"I memory of Girl, I miss you like crazy"

To Girls Dad,

You can't do this to yourself, the what if I'd done this, or what if I had done that?

I had a similar experience with my Sassy 3 weeks ago, and while I didn't have her put down I listened to the vet and authorized surgery on her heart, she passed away during surgery.

But we do what we think is best at the time and as someone pointed out, these people are the experts, we listen to them the same way we listen to human doctors, we can’t blame ourselves for the decisions we make, especially when we are trying to ensure the comfort of our friends.

We can’t be this hard on ourselves during this time of loss, blame is a redundant emotion and just adds additional anguish to an already extremely sad situation.

Take some time to sit and close your eyes and think of Girls happier times and if that is too painful, if Otto is up for a hug give him one and talk aloud to Girl, she can hear you tell her how you feel. She loved you unconditionally and the best things about our special friends is they don’t hold grudges, only humans do, so she isn’t sitting back blaming you for anything, she is sending you love.

Take care and spend some time reading some of the posts on this site, when I found Lightning Strikes it was a godsend to know I wasn’t alone in my grief.

feeling with You
do not be sad
love


want to share a photo?!

It is never easy--no matter what--even after doing what was right for some of my cats--you always wondered if there could have been more--we have always been a multi-cat family and have had our share of what you are feeling--

I feel your grief----ride it out---and the day will come when it won't hurt so bad---

Dear Girl's dad, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Girl. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be healed and restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Girl's dad, I can relate to your deep feelings of grief about the brevity of your time together with Girl. My beautiful baby girl Abbygayle (see Abbygayle's Journey if you'd like) will celebrate her one-year anniversary with the angels in March - - she was 6 years and 10 months old when she joined the angels on March 15, 2010. Like you're precious Girl, she is my beautiful little cuddles girl, and like your little Otto, my Noah misses his baby sister greatly as well. He is the sole survivor in a household that used to have 4 furkids. It doesn't matter if it's one day, one month, one year, 10 years, or 50 years - - our earthly journey with our beloved companions is never ever, never ever long enough.

Girl's dad, you and your wife made the best decision for your precious baby Girl with the information you had at the time provided to you by a professional veterinary physician. As with human medicine, veterinarians can disagree on approaches to treatment, but remember - - the veterinarian who gave you a second opinion was doing it based on the information you provided and obtained from your internet research. Had this second veterinarian actually examined your precious Girl with the symptoms she was exhibiting the advice could have been the same as the veterinary physician who counseled you on ending your precious Girl's failing physical body. Unfortunately guilt is an emotion that is part of this grief journey, and is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile. Guilt is a result of hindsight, Girl's dad - - a product of all the "what if's" "why didn't I's" "I should have's" "should not have's" that consume us in our deep grief. Unfortunately we are mere mortals - - we do not possess the privilege of foreknowledge - - only the "wisdom" of hindsight. Your precious Girl knows that you love her with all your heart, soul, and being, Girl's dad. Her little physical body could very well have not been able to endure the tests and treatments, and then how would you have felt to put her through all of that just to have the same result - - to have to decide to give her physical body the eternal freedom it so desperately needed?

So, you see, Girl's dad, the decision you and your wife made for your precious Girl was the very best you could make for her with the truest, deepest love we will know in our lives. And this love continues on even now, Girl's dad - - for love is eternal. Love is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. Your precious Girl's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and memories, and she continues to share your life just as she always has and always will.

Girl's dad, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one minute at a time journey. It is filled with so many highs and lows, ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. It is frequently described as a horror roller coaster ride because we can be overwhelmed by so many different emotions all at once without warning. One of the many important things for you and your wife to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us are here for you for as long and often as you need us. We do understand what you're going through, and we are here for you, with you, and beside you.

Girl's dad, I hope you will find comfort, encouragement, support, and hope from each of us. Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your replies to my post It's nice that you (persons) have taken the time out of your day to respond. Thanks for the encouragement and support and letting me know I'm not the only one out here feeling like this. Of course I'm sorry for all that are experience similar loss.

This is my first pets as an adult, so it might be really hitting me hard, cause I know their lives are 100% my responsibility.... and I've never had that before. I'm sure in time like all loss it will get easier, but it will take awhile and I realize she is one of a kind and can't be replaced. Some people have told me to go out and get another cat... obviously, they have never had a true connection with their pets.

I tend to be a perfectionist, and it makes me feel more responsible.

So, on another note. I realize that in my emotional state I was not thinking clearly while confronted with such horrible news from the vet. I have spoken with some other people that have felt the same way. I would like to do my part to save other families from suffering the guilt and self doubt.

I have contacted our County Humane Society and suggested that I would like to help coordinate an effort to make a 1 page hand out available to people that are at a vets office with a critical choice to make.

So, on that note, I'm drafting up a 1 page document that will have several categories such as: How will my family (parents & kids) react/feel about saving/losing their pet. Pets quality of life and personality changes with/without treatment. How long could the pet benefit from the treatment (life extension). Cost and Risks.

These groupings will have several statements/questions each. With the intention to allow the people making the decision to step back from the emotional burden, and consider some of the things that their emotions are suppressing in the heat of the moment. It may be simply titled... Things to Consider.

The County Humane Society has agreed that they would like to see this in place, and asked 'why hasn't anyone else ever thought about this?'. My intent is to work with the HS who will attempt to coordinate with the County Veterinarian Association to have this (a hand out) to give to customers when they are faced with a tough choice.... Something to aide them in stepping back for a moment, and rethink the situation at hand. So that will be my first goal... my county, if it works out then I can take it to the next level.

I totally understand how you feel. We thought the same about our Reggie, as he was only 9 when he passed away. I don't think any amount of time we have our pets with us is ever long enough.

I am very sorry for your loss and can empathize with how this was your first pet as an adult, so it held much more special place in your heart. I am glad you are using this loss as inspiration to inform others so they can help their pets. That is a great way to honor your sweet Girl.

Guilt is perhaps the most difficult emotion to deal with as you grieve. You always look back thinking you could have or should have done something different. I think we all have done that in some form or fashion after a pet's passing. You have to try your best to redirect your thoughts to one of many pleasant memories you have of Girl. I know it's difficult, trust me, but over time you will be able to manage the guilt component better. It's tough now so please let us know how you are doing.

Hi, Girl's dad, what a wonderful way to honor your precious Girl's life with you by writing up a pamphlet that will help others. You can dedicate this to your precious Girl which will be a tremendous help to others in their time of confusion and deep sorrow. Please let us know how things go with this, Girl's dad.

Girl's dad, perhaps in time you will feel up to sharing picture(s) of your precious Girl with us and sharing some of your memories of her. Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayerst, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Girl's Dad I know it's been a year and I hope your feeling better. The same thing has happened to me recently and I'm devastated. I love your idea of a pamphlet to help people. I was in such a panic at his pain and I cant' help but think something like that would have helped me to pause and make a better choice. One I would have an easier time living with. If you have developed this pamphlet would you mind sharing it with me. I'd love to be able to share information with my area and maybe help someone avoid this horror.