Hi all,

I am relieved to have found this site, my best friend Sassy died on the 13th Dec 2010 and I find myself inconsolable. To know that there are others who understand what I am going through is bitter sweet, because I am sure if any of you are like me, you would give up every worldly belonging to have your friend back with you.

It's 4am and after waking I found myself in the same position I find myself in nightly, hating the fact that I don't have my permanent "lump" snuggled up behind my knees, instead I have a soft bag with the last blanket and t-shirt she slept on in the hospital, I hold it a squeeze it willing her to come back.

It's then that the events of that weekend begin to play in my head.

We woke up and were heading to work as usual, my husband noticed Sassy was a little off, we took her outside to get some air and she was all wobbly and couldn't walk, it was early in the morning, I called the vet, none of the vets would be there until 9am, I went down anyway and waited.

It came about that her liver was failing and we found amass on her heart, so we rushed her to the emergency hospital where they have an intensive care unit, it was hear that we were given in extreme detail the extent of her condition.

She had a 7cm mass on her heart and her liver was distressed, from scans they thought it might have been lymphoma. So she went on the drip and I slept with her all weekend, at this stage the plan was get her liver back on track, get results back from liver biopsy and then address the heart mass.

You need to realize here, neither her or I knew the meaning of give up, both of us have been through tougher times than this, my girl had a knee and hip replacement due to arthritis so we were getting through this!

Saturday afternoon we get the great news that it wasn't cancer, her stats were coming back, and by Sunday night her liver was virtually normal, but she still looked groggy and her breathing seemed labored, I asked the vet and they put it down to tiredness after such a big trauma, it made sense.

Monday morning I head back in to see her there she was, wagging her tail and wiggling (her trademark) I spoke with the vet, he said he wanted to do a scan on her heart now just to get a better look at this mass, so I agree to scan and decided that maybe I would pop into work, as I turn to look through a window I can see her being 'dragged' away by the vet nurse, she looks back at me through the door as if to say "please don't go" but I did, I left her.

I get a call and hour or so later telling me that they have found some fluid around her heart (hence the grogginess and labored breathing) and that to give her some relief he would need to go in, the vet said it was a short op, and while all surgery came with risk, this was low.

I was outside my office with a friend when he called to discuss the surgery, I just wanted her to be healthy, so relief made sense, so I consented. he said he would call back in an hour or so.

3 hours later I was out of my mind, I couldn't think, but I couldn't call either, my husband and I agreed to go home ,get changed then call or go straight to the vets.

As I was sitting on the end of my bed I hear my husband talking to someone then I hear this scream that I will never forget, I have never heard my husband so distraught and I knew immediately that she was gone, I was in shock screaming and crying, I was dry retching my world had just ended and I wanted my own heart to stop.

She had died in surgery, that I had authorized and I hadn't got to say goodbye, she would have been so scared by herself before going under, she was alone and I left her, that guilt is with me every moment of every day, the last face I see is hers being pulled away by a vet nurse begging me not to leave, I will never forgive myself.

So here I am, 2 weeks on and nothing has moved on really, my world is sad and empty, I still can't accept that she has gone, even though we bought her ashes home Christmas eve. I can't seem to overcome my grief, it's so visceral that I have trouble breathing some days.

People tell me that time will heal, well I don't want it to heal, I am fearful that if I heal I will forget her and if I not feeling her loss then I am not honoring her existence, her passing deserves a life of mourning.

If you have read this far, thank you.

I don't know what to do, I'm wracked with guilt and I am sad, so so sad without her.

Cryss:

Though each of us experiences the loss of our beloved pets differently and individually, we all share the experience of having had a profound mutual love and respect for them. I can only tell you from my own experience that, as you suffer through this immense grief, and heal from it, your memory of Sassy will never go away and your love for Sassy will never diminish. You honored her existence by loving her, and I am sure she repaid you many times over with love and honesty.
It hurts; I know it does. I am 2 months out from the death of "my buddy for life", Frank, and I think of him daily. I miss him immensely, but the pain subsides. It does return periodically and I believe this is normal. I also know, confidently, that I will never forget him.

I'll bet Sassy had a great life and gave one back in return.

Michael

Thank you so much for reading and replying.

To know that someone else out there knows and understands why I stay awake at night and why I would carry a small white box of ashes from one room to another "so she was sitting with us" and to know that you wouldn't think I was crazy, is unbeliveably generous.

Thank you again

Oh Cryss

I read your post with tears in my eyes. It's more or less what happened to my darling, beloved Noushka 16 months ago. Even down to the carrying her pretty little box around with me, the one with her mortal remains. I too left my darling at the vets for treatment as they said she had Pneumonia. She was on a drip and having tests which came back quite hopeful, as not cancer. The vet told us to go home and call in the morning, but at 8 the next morning I had that terrible, terrible, call, telling me that my sweet girl had gone. I hated myself for leaving her on her own. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I send my heartfelt sympathy to you and your husband.
I truly believe that our fur Angels are with us for ever. This brings me so much comfort.

I am sending hugs and prayers to help you through this time. Please come back and let us know how you are, whenever you can, and maybe tell us some more about your dear Sassy.

Love Jan and my Angels and Pixie

Dearest Sassys Mummy,

I am so very sorry for you. I have lost my Baby too on the 10th Dec and like you would give the world for more time with her, if only we could do something, anything, but we know we cant. We are only able to love them and do what we feel is best at the time as you did. I didnt take my Baby to the vets as she wasnt in pain, just very tired. She was 13 yrs old. I was with her watching her breathing becoming more laboured until she finally went to sleep, but like you I can still see her little face and the tears are never ending. I so feel for you in your pain. We always wish we had done things differently and think if only? if only? But you cant help these things happening however it occurs or whatever we do.
I have had a tearful day today and can hardly see to write this to you. I have my Baby buried in the garden in her coat and new collar and lead and her favourite toy right outside my front door as near to in the house as could be. We can only hope and pray that our little treasures are happy now and playing and wagging away and that we will be with them one day, but until then we keep them safe and close in our hearts forever.

Lots of love to you and while you are crying just think we are out here crying with you and for you.

LOVE GLORIA

Hi, Cryss, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Sassy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Unfortunately we are not blessed with the gift of foresight - - the knowledge of "what will happen if". Guilt, unfortunately, is one of the hardest emotions in this grief journey to reconcile. We can only make decisions based on the information that we have at any given time, and the decision you made was intended to bring relief and comfort to your precious Sassy as recommended by your vet. Even with human patients there are circumstances that arise during surgery - - even the so-called simplest procedures - - that end with tragic results -- including when everything is done right. But I know this is little comfort to your broken and shattered heart.

Cryss, please believe me when I tell you that you will never ever forget your precious Sassy. She is forever in your heart and memories, and not even the dimming of our minds with age can change this. I promise you. And Sassy wants you to remember her with a happy heart, Cryss, although right now it feels like this impossible. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will be able to feel your Sassy's sweet Living Spirit ever present with you, just as she always has been during her earthly journey with you and as she always will be. For you see, Cryss, the love bond we share with our beloved companions is eternal - - it is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. Our lives change for the better when our beloved companions join us in our earthly journey, and they change again when they precede us to the angels. The difference is that we have the blessing of their love and memories in our hearts to cherish, and nothing can ever take this away from us.

It is very important for you to know that you are not alone in your grief journey, Cryss. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I hope and pray that you will find comfort, encouragement, support, and hope through each of our responses to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cryss, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Let me first share my condolences with you and your husband on the loss of your Sassy. Rest assured you are at a place where others can truly empathize with your loss. It's a very difficult and traumatic thing to deal with, we all know how you feel. But you should not have to deal with this alone and you don't have to now.

If it helps you at all, my wife and I went through something very similar to you with our Reggie kitty. He developed hepatic lipidosis (fatty liver) in late October and after considerable treatment and 9 days at the intensive care unit, he took a turn for the worst just a few days after coming home. Just as you experienced, he went from bad to good to bad again and that was incredibly painful to deal with. But we never for one second thought anything more than how we would bring him home and nurse him back to health. We talked about how we would take vacation so someone was at home for the next few weeks and how we would cancel our vacation in December if we needed to. He and our other cat are our lives as if they were our children. It was by far the most difficult thing my wife and I have experience together since being married, the second most difficult thing being the passing of her cat Lodi in 2002. There is no easy or fast way to heal, but I can tell you that this site has been a blessing for me and indirectly for my wife. She is not on here but I share with her the words of wisdom and healing that others give me. Telling stories and sharing pictures has helped me, as it helps knowing these stories and pictures make other smile. The good news is that you do slowly heal from the loss, although we all heal at different speeds.

The first few weeks or even months are going to be nothing more than going through the motions. The fact that you are dealing with this loss during the holidays makes it even more difficult. I can tell you loved your Sassy with all your heart and did all you could to end her pain. You have to always remember that you gave Sassy the best possible LIFE she could have ever had and you should be proud of that. You are far better because of your time with Sassy than without. This pain we feel is because we love a thousand times more. I know I won't hurt for the same amount of time as I loved Reggie, and I think you will come to find the same with your Sassy.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your baby. Your post made me cry really hard.

I am not sure what to say right now, but I want to you to honour her with good memories. She would want you to be happy and not sad all the time. Honour her life with photos and happy memories.

My sincere sympathy to you and your husband on the loss of your beloved Sassy.

Dearest Sassys Mummy and Daddy,

Thankyou so much for your response re my Baby. I do so hope your sorrow and pain are subsiding. I know exactly how you feel and how hard it is to make it through each day with your thoughts and yearnings for your darling little Sassy. How i wish there was some way to speed up the healing process and make you feel better but i know it takes time for the heartache to lessen. I, like you, am still very much in the thick of it and bursting in to tears every time i think for a second or two, down comes the rain. I try to take my mind of it by watching telly or something but its a waste of time.
Oh Cryss, it really makes you wonder why we have to suffer so much in life when we lose our precious ones doesnt it ? I am really pleased you found our Baby's story nice, she would be really proud to know that she has touched the hearts of people on the other side of the world by her life story.

Thankyou so very much and i do hope you will feel better soon. Your little Sassy has touched my family too, God bless her little heart
Lets just hope they are running about together playing. Just a note makes me wonder if they squabble on rainbow bridge you know what terriers are like?

Love Gloria ***

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious, Sassy. It broke my heart to read your post. I, too, lost my baby girl during surgery. I, too, was sat on the bed when my fiance received the 'dreaded phone call'. I, too, will never forget that moment, or how my whole world fell apart. I'm 7 months on now though, and I can tell you that it does get easier to deal with. Not easy, but easier. You will never stop missing her. You will never stop loving her. But a part of you will accept what has happened, and accept that your girl is now with the angels, but is still with you, watching over you, always.

Please let us know how you're getting on.

Take care of yourself, and take each day as it comes.

Cheryl xx

Hello Cheryl,

Thank you for taking the time to write on my post, I read other peoples stories and am overwhelmed by the pain and sadness, I'm not in a good enough place at the moment to offer support to anyone however as I can barely get out of bed and I make it through the day numb, going through the motions, so while each and every story I read is heart wrenching I find myself at a loss when I come to post a response.

You and I have more in common than you think, I was born and bred in Liverpool and we moved to Australia in the late 70’s (probably before you were born) it’s times like this that I miss my family.

I just read your thread and can’t help but see a pattern, like you I know she has gone, my constant companion for over 12 years, my confidant, the little girl who knew all my secrets, the one that would look so deep in to my soul with those deep brown eyes, she knew me better than anyone, however in the midst of all of this I just want her back, I want this huge hole in my heart to be filled with her love again, I don’t want to “get over her” I don’t want to “move on” I sometimes don’t even want it “to get easier”, because by it getting easier I feel that if I am not mourning then I am not doing her passing away justice, her passing deserves a lifetime of mourning.

I just want her back, back in my bed, back on the settee with me at night, where I sat on 25% and her little body had the rest, I want her at the gate when I come home doing her happy dance I want her running to the kitchen when she hears a plastic bag because she thinks it has chicken in it, I want her barking at me when I turn the music up and start dancing but most of all I want her to be here with me enjoying the sunny spot she had found on the floor in front of our window, sleeping while I pottered around.

I just want her back, nothing else matters.

Awww, I know that feeling all too well During the first few months of grief, nothing else does matter. You will probably find that all the things that you enjoyed doing 'before' become meaningless. This slowly phases itself out -- although it does take time, and lots of ups and downs. Grief is a rollercoaster, and as the title of my thread states, just when you think you're doing well... BAM, you find yourself right back at the beginning. Just know that you are not alone throughout this journey; we are all here for you every step of the way.

That's strange that you're from Liverpool and moved to Australia in the 70s. My nan is always telling me that a lot of our family emigrated to Australia around that time. Who knows, maybe we're distant relatives!?

Take care of yourself.
Cheryl x

Gloria, I was washing my face earlier and was thinking of Sass, mainly because she was my shadow, if I went to the loo, the kitchen, the bedroom, the garden, the laundry ...... she was there, so 3 weeks ago if I was washing my face, she would have been there, anyway I was thinking about the sad loss of human friends and family and the unbearable loss of a special friend, I wondered why am I so devastated over losing Sassy and while extremely saddened by the loss of family members over the years, losing Sassy makes them pale to insignificance.

I also questioned the short amount of time they are with us, I always hated the "dog year" calculation, call it blissful ignorance, but I hated the arbitrary assignment of age, Sassy was full of life and beans right up until 11pm on the Thursday night, she wasn't 87 years old, she was 12 and she was my friend. As awful as it sounds there are murderers and horrible, evil people allowed to roam this earth but beautiful souls are taken well before their time, I don’t see the fairness in that, the “higher being” has got it all wrong, there is a gamble here, because we could all go one of two ways, either we move through this and our lives become meaningful again OR we just say what the heck and give up, with the latter, we lose two not just one not to mention the ripple effect to our families and friends. I just don’t get it, something is wrong with this.

We went on a drive today to pick up some deckchairs, the place we went to was near somewhere we have been before with the dogs, so we thought it would be a nice day out with them, only thing was ... I had to take her, so I carried her ashes around with me in my satchel, when we drove in the car she was on the dashboard and when we stopped for lunch she was on a chair, I am in the sitting room now and she is her and when I got to bed .... she will be next to me.

Am I going crazy? I have a lit candle 24 hours a day in a window and I have bought a wind chime for the garden to create some noise, the house is so silent without her in it, she might have been the oldest, but she was obviously the most outspoken.

My world will never be the same, this aching hole in my heart can never be filled.

Here is a snap of The Hounds of Love - Sassy, Jedi and Evie

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but over time you will be able to heal from this loss. Nobody know how long it will take, as some heal faster than others. But the grief you are feeling is something we all know too well and is a "necessary evil" in order to heal. Some people try to keep the grief bottled up and they do themselves a dis-service.

The first few weeks after we lost Reggie was the most painful time in my life. You just go through the motions to pass the time during those first few weeks (or more). Two months have passed since Reggie left us and our state of mind now is different than it was after just two weeks. I am not saying you need to be on some specific time frame, but that you have to take this journey one day at a time and try and live the best you can. I am sure if your Sassy could have said something to you before she left, it would have been to live your life and celebrate her life the best you can. How you choose to do that is up to you, as there are many ways to achieve that. After two weeks my mind was filled with nothing but sadness and guilt. I hate even thinking back at how I was after two weeks as it was a painful time. So I know how you feel. But I am better now than I was then, which hopefully gives you some comfort that things will get better. It just takes time.

Hi, Cryss, I wish to assure you that you are not losing your mind. Keeping your Sassy's ashes close to you is normal. It's part of the way to fill the physical void in our lives, and it's part of the healing process.

You ask, "I wondered why am I so devastated over losing Sassy and while extremely saddened by the loss of family members over the years, losing Sassy makes them pale to insignificance." Our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves completely to them without reservation. Our relationships with human family members and friends are not like this. Why? Because with human relationships there are expectations and physical and emotional needs, and commitments are not always on the same level, even in the best and most loving relationships. With our beloved companions, they don't care what we look like, where we live, what our social status is, what clothes we wear, what our political "correctness" is, etc.. They accept us for who we are and all they ask is that we love them and provide for them as best we can according to our means. This is one of the many reasons why, when we lose their physical presence, the physical and emotional adjustment is so very painful.

"My world will never be the same, this aching hole in my heart can never be filled." Cryss, our lives change for the better when our beloved companions come into them, and they change again when they precede us to the angels. The difference is that we are blessed with their precious memories and their sweet Living Spirit that is forever in our hearts. And they do take the better part of us that belongs only to them with them so that they will have this part of our hearts with them until it is our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. Then we will be whole again, and we will never be separated from them. Until then, we continue our earthly journey living each day in a way that will honor their love and their precious sweet Living Spirit that is forever with us wherever we go and whatever we do.

Cryss, I wish to add my sincerest hope to Aaron's that you will find comfort, encouragement, support, and hope from each of us here. This grief journey can feel like it will last forever - - there will never be a reason to smile again. Hopefully in time, perhaps when you least expect it, you will be thinking of your precious Sassy and you will find yourself smiling. When this happens, Cryss, I hope you will know beyond all shadow of a doubt that your precious Sassy is forever a part of you, and that regardless of the passage of time she is always in your heart and memories, and nothing can ever take this away from you. I can promise you this, Cryss, for even at my senior age I can still remember my beloved companions from my childhood.

Cryss, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

So true, so true Moonbeam, this is the realisation I have had, the love I recived from Sassy was unconditional and it was mine, I knew that it didn't matter that if everyone on the planet left me or treated me badly, I always had Sassy and she always had me. we defined each other, people knew we were pals, best pals.



Moonbean - how do we continue living each day? when all I want to do is curl up and go to sleep, I slept with Sassy the night she came home, she looked so peacful, asleep on a rug, I layed in the window with her, closed my eyes and prayed to go to sleep, my prayers like all others were not answered. I don't know how to continue ... I'm not functioning at all, I can't see a way forward, I can't see a future without Sassy in it, and if I can see one it's not worth having.



Moonbeam, your words are unbelievably supportive, they come over me like a warm blanket and while for the majority of the time I am unable to respond in any manner that is deserving of your kind words know but please know that I read them over and over. Thank you for helping not only me but all the other members on the site through the most painful days and months of their lives.

You are a wonderfully generous human being, thank you.

Nice pics of the three amigos. Late New Year's Eve, or early new year's day. Can't sleep. Just wanted to say hi and let you know that everything you feel is real, even the unreal feeling of having to live life now, as it is. I'll write more. Sorry that Sassy left you and your husband. The cycle of life.

Dennis
"Some wounds go to deep,
Some hurts never heal"
--Frodo--

Hi, Cryss, this grief journey is one of the worst experiences we will endure on our earthly journey for it reaches down to the very core of our being, to the very essence of our existence. It truly does feel like our purpose for living no longer exists, and this is very extremely painful both physically and emotionally.

Oh how well I do understand the wanting to curl up in a ball and just wanting to go to sleep and not wake up on this side of eternity - - ever again. And the horrible disappointment when I did - - the overwhelming dread of having to face yet another day feeling emptiness - - truly a member of the "living dead" - - and definitely not science fiction --but horrible reality. Having to put on the "public face" to get through the day at work, and the gut wrenching sobbing during the drives into work and back home, waking up in the night several times sobbing uncontrollably and screaming "why am I still here?"

Unfortunately, this is a part of this "adjustment" deep grief journey to re-defining our lives without the physical presence of our beloved companions. And we cannot endure it alone, which is why each of us are here for you, Cryss, to help you through your journey - - including when you feel you just can't go on anymore, when you feel there is nothing left of you to try anymore. Unfortunately we cannot physically be with you to wrap our arms around you when you so desperately need to feel the physical touch of comforting arms around you, a shoulder that you can bury yourself into and just cry all the while having someone hold you tightly until you're strong enough to have us let go. But we are here for you just the same reaching out to you across the cyber miles offering you our individual and collective strength, encouragement, and support. And hopefully, with each day, one day at a time, you can find one more reason to keep trying, one more day a victory to share with your precious Sassy, and eventually - - another reason to smile because this is what your Sassy wants for you, with all her heart as she reaches out to you across the Bridge.

So, please hang in here with us, Cryss. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam