6 days ago today something worse than my worst nightmare came true. I never want to go to sleep again because I keep thinking that when I wake up it will have been a horrible, horrible dream. But it was not, it was real, and it happened to me. I love animals. I have 2 dogs, 2 bunnies and 4 cats… well I had 4 cats, now I have 3. My first cat, the one that is no longer part of my life, meant more to me than words can express.

Honestly I cared for my animals so much that I did have nightmares – a fire at my house, a violent criminal breaking in and leaving doors open, or even worse harming my precious babies. When I told a friend about these dreams she seemed concerned, and it made me think, maybe if I had talked to someone about this before they would have helped me find ways to keep my babies safe to ease my mind.

I never talked to someone; I chalked it up to my extreme love and attachment. People thought I was crazy; my dogs were NEVER off leashe. My cats NEVER went outside. I thought people who let their cats out were crazy, with all the god-awful things that could happen. As someone pointed out in the weary aftermath… “You kept them so protected there was no other way for it to happen.”

What happened was I killed my cat. The love of my life, the precious being I called my soul mate that I swear took me out of a lengthy and desolate depression that lasted over a decade. This cat saved my life and I took his. I don’t want to live my life without him.

I knew he went in the dryer. He liked his private spot, he like being in my clothes, he liked to be snuggly and warm. He was huge, I never for a second imagined that I would not realize he was in there. I had been trying to keep him out of the laundry room as I was watching a friend’s cat, but he kept wanting to go in there. I had been so cautious of not letting him stay too long because I did not want the cats to fight and hurt each other, but I must have forgot he was in there.

I actually did not have many obligations, or places to be that day, but many things to do. I was preparing for a thesis presentation in two days, I was baking a pie for my best friend who was about to give birth and I still needed the ingredients. I put wash in and headed out for the morning to run errands.

The rest of the day is a blur. I can’t remember if I saw him when I came home. I made the pie. I was a mess and I decided to shower quickly again. I thought to myself, let me get a head start on drying that laundry – I knew the heavy rug I had put in would never dry with just one cycle.

I’ll never know if he was in the dryer twice or once, I’ll never know if he was alive or dead when I shut the door and hit the button. When I came home I felt the rug, it was still wet, I had no idea my beloved was in the wash. I put it on and head a loud noise. I thought to myself that rug must really be wet to make all that noise, and I walked away to shower. This I hate more than anything else. I had a warning. I heard him banging around and I IGNORED IT. I though it was the stupid rug. I hate that rug. When I was ready to leave I went to grab a sweatshirt from the dryer – I saw a patch of white fur and immediately thought OH MY GOD IT WAS ON. I repeated oh my god, oh my god, I knew immediately he was gone when I took him from the dryer and felt how hot he has and how limp his body had become. His eyes were closed. I called the vet hysterical and they told me to just bring him in. I had to call my poor friend to tell her I wasn’t coming and she tried to calm me down in the car. It was not a situation a 9-month pregnant woman should have to handle. I rubbed his fur the whole way there, I know it sounds ridiculous but I swear I smelled a fart and though he might be alive. At the vet they took him from me. They put me in a room because I don’t think they wanted the other pet owners to see how hysterical I was. My vet came out and said he was gone and that she was sorry but there was nothing for her to say. I didn’t want to believe her. And then they asked me what I wanted to do – I didn’t know what they meant. I couldn’t even imagine having to do something with his lifeless body. They asked if I wanted time with him and I said yes. I pet his beautiful face and told him I was so sorry. I noticed his little ear was burned and he had a little blood coming from his nose. When the tech came in to take him she had to send the vet back in because I had so many questions. None of the answers made me feel any better. I had killed my cat. The most amazing life I had ever encountered and I didn’t want to live anymore.

I thought about crashing my car on the way home. I did not want to put anyone else in danger. I didn’t want to make my family hurt. We had lost my mother to suicide when I was a child – she left the house when I wasn’t home and I blamed myself for not stopping her for years. I thought that pain was unbearable but I worked though it, I knew it was not my fault, it eventually became ok.

This will never be ok. My baby will always be gone because of me. I have had such trouble showing affection to any of my other animals. My dogs are trying to comfort me but I just want a cat and my other cats don’t show affection. I’ve even thought about where they would go if I were no longer here to care for them.

When I came home from the vet I came inside and fell to the ground. My body was so weak I literally collapsed. I broke down crying and have not really stopped since. I hear the noise of the dryer in the my head and when I shower I keep flashing back, thinking I can suddenly realize and run in and save him. My ex-boyfriend has to do my laundry.

I used to be super excited about becoming a mother, and now I cant imagine caring for a child with these hands. I am a yoga teacher and a vegetarian, I can’t even eat a fish but none of that seems to matter anymore. I used to plan to get a tattoo on my hand that reminded me how powerful out actions are and to always act with a gentle hand. I wonder if I had that reminder if I would have been more cautious.

I buried my baby in my yard, along with my baby blanked. Me and my friends wrote love notes on his box. I keep flowers on his grave and marked it with a heart and his name. I plan to plant flowers and keep a garden there always but nothing seems like enough. I want to dig him up and snuggle his body.

I’ve reached out to a few people on the site and have not gotten any response. I understand what I am going through – after I went though what I did with my mom I decided to devote my life to working with kids who have experienced trauma. I am seeking trauma counseling but I want to connect with people who accidentally took the life of an animal that meant more to them that their own life. I feel like this cat should have been there when I got married, when I was pregnant, to meet my babies. I don’t know how to be excited about these things anymore and I just feel so sorry for what I have done.

I keep thinking ok this has been long enough, someone please wake me up from this horrible nightmare.

This is a tribute I wrote to my cat – his name was Stinky because he loved to just hang out in the litter box as a kitten. I called him my man, my Stink Man and wished he could turn human and marry me.

I know that no one knows what to say, and neither do I, I still can’t believe that he’s really gone… The only thing that helps is to remember the amazing things, I guess is always this way, that you felt like you never expressed enough in life as you wish you had in death. I am pretty sure Stink knew how loved he was, but I don’t know if I could have ever expressed to him how much he meant to me. Stink saved my life. If you know me, you know that I was depressed for a long time. I missed my mom, I had terrible skin that kept me from doing most normal high school/teenage things, I had no passion for school or even life… and then I met my man.

Some of you have heard the story of how we met. There was a kind of crazy couple living behind the store who had taken in a litter of kittens found in the parking lot of the bar across… They did not want to give away the adorable striped or spotted kittens but were willing to give up the black kitten. I’ve neglected to mention that before this time I WAS NOT A CAT PERSON. I did not understand cat people – I liked dogs. Then I saw the tiniest little kittens I had ever seen, baby faces and all. The grey and white striped one walked right up to my feet and started to cry. He did not stop! Then I picked him up, he stared in my eyes and stopped crying. It was love at first sight. I took Stink home that night (and harbored him in my father’s home for months somewhat undercover).

Stink was so playful and loving and wonderful. Sometimes overwhelmingly so, but snuggled in my hair and slept with my each night. He was contented to hide in my bathrobe pocket and I walked around the house… I could not wait to get home from work each day and snuggle his little face. Stink helped me learn how to be happy again. He was with me always – I remember a few weeks when I was fighting with my dad and had no place to stay – Stinkman in my car was all I needed.

As we moved on Stink never had any problems welcoming new animals into our home. I remember a specific time Stewart was crying on top of an upturned mattress (he still can’t find his way down from high places) and I told Stink to go help him find his way down – he walked over, climbed the mattress and slowly backed his way down as Stewart followed suit. Amazing. Even as my attention was inadvertently diverted to a new little puggly life in our home Stink was my man. The puppy sometimes drove me crazy or ate my pretty shoes – no matter what happened in life I could pick up my man and he’d give me a hug, rub his Stinky face in mine and make me feel better. I hope I’ll never forget that feeling.

Please feel free to share your loving stories. If you are not an animal person and think I am crazy for caring so much – well I feel bad for you, you should get a cat.
I miss you Stink, you will always be my man.

Hi, Stinklover, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion Stink. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

Unfortunately guilt is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile in this grief journey, and I am so o sorry that you are enduring this painful reality. For different reasons I can so well understand how you're feeling. Losing a beloved companion is always traumatic. I am not a physician or a professional counselor. However, from personal experience, I can share with you that a very traumatic event can result in PTSD and Survivor's Guilt. How do you cope with these effects?

This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, Stinklover, and some days are going to be much harder than others, particularly during the deep grief. What happened with your precious Stink is a very tragic accident, - - believe me - - I know how much you wish with all your heart that you could turn back the hands of time and relive that day, those hours, those minutes, those seconds. I wish there was some way I could take this painful episode from your heart, Stinklover, but the only thing I can offer you is my heartfelt compassion and attempts to try to comfort your broken, shattered heart.

Stinklover, your precious Stink knows you meant him no harm. He knows because he was watching you rushing him to the vet to try to get him the help he needed. And he knows you love him with all your heart. His sweet Living Spirit is forever with you, Stinklover, and he wants you to cherish the wonderful memories you have of him instead of burdening your heart with consuming guilt.

It is important for you to know you are not alone in this grief journey, Stinklover, and I wish to reassure you that each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Stinklover, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so sorry Jenny for what you are going through. I am not as eloquent with words as Moonbeam, who is a Godsend to this forum, but just know that I am thinking of you. I have been on this forum for over a year and lately just don't post much because I don't feel I can help much, but do know that your words really touched me in your post. It is so obvious how much you cared for Stink, and he loved you so much too. Many hugs on your journey to find peace.

Lovely pic of you and Stink.

Love,
Brutus' Mom

Thank you both for your replies. It has all been so difficult, I kind of skipped Christmas this year, as memories of Stink running up the tree seemed too much to bear. He loved to do that and I kept all soft ornaments so he would never get hurt. I even put safe little balls with bells for him. I miss him so much and can't imagine that I will never hold him in my arms again, pick him up and rub my face in his. He loved to smell the flowers, you can see in the photo - I often wondered where I got the yellow on my face. Many people have told me that maybe he was sick, as he did not normally burrow, and I had seen him atop my clothes in the dryer before. Unfortunately my mind would never allow me to think of what might have been. I have three other cats and have not found any "spray" since he's been gone. I never thought that it was him. This makes me wonder. I know ultimately it does not matter but the guilt is what is most difficult, so these questions have come up. I have dealt with loss before, as a child I lost my mom, and I can easily connect with her spirit but have not been able to do so with stink. I try to picture them together in the heavens, my mom sending him to someone else who needs him now, just as I did when he came into my life. Of course I feel like I need him more than anyone else, but I can't help feeling I would be ok - if it just happened another way. I am in counseling - much, but have resistance to doing things to feel better. My friends and therapist say I am punishing myself for what I did. I can not help it - I can not miss him without thinking it is my fault he is no longer here. This is the most difficult thing I have ever been though, and I appreciate your continued help. Thank you.

Hi, Stinklover, I know exactly how you feel about "feeling better" and because I am in the middle of it too I have nothing to offer other than to let you know you are not alone. I think the guilt would happen no matter what, because we take ultimate control of our pets lives, our family and friends can do things for themselves, but our animals 'need' us so the ultimate betrayal is letting them die.

Like you I don't want to feel better, I don't want time to heal and I absolutely I don't want to move on. I just want my Sassy back.

I would make a pact with the devil (apologies for any religious types) to have her back.

I think we need to be a little more forgiving of oursleves, maybe that is what comes with time?

Take care of yourself and take a moment with your other pets, they are not your "man" but they need your love and you need theirs

Hi, Stinklover, thank you for letting us know how you're doing. You have experienced a very deep, tragic, trauma, and I'm very glad you are receiving professional counseling to help you try to find some peace in your heart. I do so well understand what you mean when you say "I can't help feeling I would be ok - if it just happened another way. " I truly do understand what you mean.

Right now it may be helpful for you to just focus on one day at a time instead of trying to look down the road to even next week, or tomorrow. Try to focus on just each day. This helped me through a very dark journey 25 years ago, with the assistance of a very patient and compassionate professional counselor. What happened with your precious Stink was not a pre-meditated desire in your heart or mind. It was and always will be a very tragic accident.

I wish there were some words I could say that could take this burden from you, but unfortunately I know there aren't any words in any language that make this nightmare disappear. But I hope and pray in some way the words expressed here help you to find comfort, encouragement, support, and hope. You truly are not alone, Stinklover. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Stinklover, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Your story made me cry. I am so sorry this had to happen to you.
I can relate to your story with the love of your cat. I loved my Opie more than anything and he loved me more than anyone ever has. I feel your pain. I wish I could take all the pain away. I wish I had the answers for you. But this is like the blind leading the blind. I can't get over the pain myself, so I am at a loss as to help. Just know we are all here for you and totally understand how you feel.
Stay strong.

God. My heart aches for you. It really does. What a terrible, tragic accident. Yes, ACCIDENT. You did not murder your precious boy. In order to murder another being, you need intent. It is so clear from your post that you love your boy with all your heart and would never INTEND to hurt or harm him in any way. I hope your counselling helps you to eventually feel this way; though I am sure it will be a long and difficult road.

Please know that we are all here for you during this difficult journey. I hope you manage to find some kind of peace.

Sending you hugs, Cheryl xx

Oh, honey. I can only imagine how guilty you must feel. All I can tell you is that I know how much you loved your baby and you never, never would have done anything to hurt him. It was an accident, a tragic accident. It wasn't your fault.

I know about how a cat can save your life. My Eileen saved me when I become disabled by depression. See, she was very skittish and always hid from other people. If I died, she would have no one she trusted to take care of her. I couldn't kill myself because she needed me.

I let her outside on morning and she was hit by a car. I feel guilty for letting her out.

Kelly

Everyone here has guilt. Everyone here is thinking "what if?". The fact that you care enough to be here means you aren't guilty of anything other than loving your pet- in spite of accidents or decisions made- you are still a loving pet owner and always will be.

I keep checking back... I still don't feel better or have any desire to keep moving on... doing things I am obligated to do without feeling excited or passionate about anything. I don't know how I am supposed to "move on" knowing I took away my precious cats life. I wish I had the chance for him to die in my arms, to say goodbye. I wish he had the chance to love a long life and die naturally. I know he will never suffer but I do not find comfort in it. I don't want to take an antidepressant. I don't know how to move on.

Hi, Stinklover, there is no way you can "move on" for this implies "forgetting", and how on earth can you ever be expected to forget your precious Stink. For what is going to feel like "forever" what you are experiencing right now is normal: "doing things I am obligated to do without feeling excited or passionate about anything." I call this functioning on "automatic pilot." This is a survival mechanism that our minds and bodies have to prevent us from being overwhelmed with emotions we are not able to deal with all at once. You have suffered a horrendous tragedy, Stinklover, and it's just going to take time, lots and lots and lots of time, to successfully navigate your grief journey.

Please understand that I am not attempting to pry in to your personal life when I ask: Are you still seeking assistance with a professional counselor? If yes, is he / she suggesting an antidpressant? (You do not have to answer these questions on this forum. Your private life is just that - - private). I do understand your concern about these drugs. However, when taken under the care of a diligent medical professional they can be helpful for some people, and are not always a "permanent" form of treatment. This is a decision only you can make with the assistance of your professional counselor / medical care provider. Whatever you decide, Stinklover, please be assured we are here for you.

Stinklover, I have hesitated in mentioning this before now, but I think I need to mention it now: You are not alone in what happened to your precious Stink. Unfortunately there is an attraction to the dryer for some furkids - - unbeknownst to us they can crawl into both the washing machine and / or dryer and literally blend in - - despite our most diligent efforts to make sure that they are not there. I know this does not comfort you right now, Stinklover, but you are NOT alone in what happened to your precious Stink. And you are NOT a horrible person for what happened to your precious Stink. I do know this is going to take time for you to work through and to try to find some peace in your heart, which is what your precious Stink wants for you. But for whatever it may be worth, for different reasons I do understand what you are going through, Stinklover.

Thank you for stopping by to let us know how things are going for you, Stinklover. I know right now things look very dark and bleak. How I wish I had the power to take this pain away from you, but I don't. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Stinklover, and that I do look forward to knowing how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I know exactly what you are going thru as that happened to me about 4 years ago--Devestated was way beyond what I felt and blamed myself---because I knew too that Missy was doing that---and heard the thump was didn't think anything of it--it still makes me angry and tearful when I think of it----

Hopefully--you will feel better with time and the the pain will not be as bad----

Finding this site in that terrible time was my support system----

Mary