4 days ago, we lost our 12 year old baby, Tony Linux. I don't even know what to write here, i have so many thoughts racing though my head.

We had a fenced area for him, and the neighbours Dog (a german shepard) was able to get in, and at that point, the fence became a trap for the poor guy. I've sat out there, and thought about how the whole thing happened, over and over again. The worse part about this is, I didn't know any of it happened... it was raining out, there were obvious large dog prints all over the place (i noticed the next day). Tony was only actually bitten a few time in the hind quarters, and it really hurts me to think he may have laid out there in the freezing cold and rain, not able to move for several hours before maybe freezing to death. I look back and think I may have heard him coughing, but I don't recall hearing any meows.. I woke up in the middle of the night and for some reason I thought, "Where are the cats", only to look and not find Tony. We have a sliding door that connnects to the fenced area for the cat. I had closed that door because it was so cold, not even knowing the cat was out there. I called for him all night when i realised he was missing.... I figured he had gotten out of the fence or ran out the front door, since I didnt' see him anywhere. Well, i found him the next morning when i went looking for him. He was in the fenced part that wrapped around the house...

I'm not going to blather on about all 100s of ways I think i could have done something different; I'm terribly guilt stricken. I've been in a deep depression for years. It may have started when we lost Tony's brother Rittie to heart cancer about 2 years ago. These were our children. My wife and I got them (both pound cats) around the time we got married, and these have been our only "kids".... We couldn't bear the idea of getting another cat after loosing rittie, and while it took over 2 years, about 4 months ago we found a kitten that has the best personality, and have been very happy to have him (Henry)... Tony accepted him better than we thought he would, although he was frequently annoyed by requests for play from his new brother.

My mind keeps running thought "what-ifs"... my neighbour feels bad about the whole thing, and has said he will look into getting rid of the dog ASAP, and keeping it absolutely leased until then. I'm not an eye for an eye person... I just want my Tony back, and this senseless murder to have not occurred....

Here's some pictures:
The brown eyed British short hair is Tony and Rittie is the odd-eye one (we believed him to be at least part Manx).. The cross eye'd kitten at the bottom is the new guy... Henry

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cshym74/sets/72157594181650985/

Finally, thank you for naming your forum "Lightening Strike", the name alone brings some comfort....

Dear Whitecats

Please let me offer my sincere condolences for the tragic loss of your precious Tony. My heart goes out to you and your wife as I know you must be suffering terribly. Sadly some things are just beyond our control, and what happened, could happen to anyone with fur babies. Please try not to be too hard on yourself, as Tony will no way want you to be hurting so. He knows how much he is loved and cherished.
The photos are so beautiful. What wonderful companions and as you say 'fur children'. I do hope that your little new guy, Henry, is helping you with lots of cuddles and comfort. He will probably need it too, bless him.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful kitty. I'm also sorry that you're feeling guilt - it is a 'normal' part of the grieving process but I hope you realise that you have nothing to feel guility over. It is clear that you loved your kitty with all your heart and it's obvious from the photo's how well-loved and cared for he was. I hope you start to feel some healing soon. Just take it one day at a time. Thank you for sharing your story and those beautiful photographs.

Take care,
Cheryl x

Hi, Whitecats, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Tony. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

As Jan has so compassionately shared, so I wish to echo her words: What happend with Tony can happen to any of us who have beloved companions, and that some situations are out of our control. In fact, the older I get the more I realize how little control we have over most aspects of what happens and when it happens. Unfortunately, guilt is one of the many emotions that accompanies this grief journey and is one of the hardest to reconcile. But to echo Cheryl's wise words you did the very best you could for your precious Tony at all times and in all circumstances. Tony knows he is loved with all your heart, Whitecats, and he knows beyond all shadow of a doubt that you would have rescued him if you had known he was in trouble. None of us are gifted with the knowledge of foresight, Whitecats - - only the "wisdom" that comes from the hinsight of experience. Still, this is little consolation to a heart that is breaking with deep sorrow and grief.

Whitecats, I wish there were some words that I could write that would take the pain from your heart, but unfortunately there are no adequate words in any language that can do this. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest empathy and promise to be with you and for you as you travel your grief journey. One thing to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us here understand first hand what you are feeling, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for honoring us with sharing the wonderful pictures of your precious companions. Each of our beloved companions have their own special place in our hearts and lives, and the love bond we share with them is eternal, for love is not confined to the physical laws of time and space. I hope and pray you feel your precious Tony's sweet Living Spirit with you continuing to share your life's earthly journey wherever you go and whatever you do.

Whitecats, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It is a sad way to lose your Tony, I really feel for you. I lost my adored Ulriich last year, my husband found him dead on the road in the early hours of the morning, same thing, he didn't come in that one night. He was a happy and much loved 3yr old. Please don't feel guilty, you are only human and us humans do the best we can, but some things are just out of our control sometimes. Mind you, it took me a long time to think like this, I went through enormous feelings of guilt that nearly drove me insane before I got to the stage I am now at. I know what it's like to want them back and that craving to just hold them one more time and it takes time to get passed these feelings of great loss. It took me 12 months and it was only really when I got a rescue cat that I really started to be happy again.
Your photos are beautiful, your cats look so happy in them and so well cared for and loved, you gave your best and Tony will love you forever for it. God bless you and you hang in there dear one.xx


madi xx

I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful replies. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply, i had forgotten my password, and every time I come here it makes me incredibly sad... It's like I'm trying to avoid anything that will make me think about Tony... I've got my crying down to less than twice a day, most days... It hurts to breath. I was pretty down on my luck and seriously depressed before this event occurred. See, I started a business to bring Broadband to rural people about 5 years ago, and worked for free trying to build it for years, spending every cent I had only to cave to salaries and bills that I could no longer afford. I then moved all the way across the country, hoping for a fresh start... Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, and my house is getting messy since I don't want to do anything. I know i really need to go see a doctor about this (and knew that before Tony died). Unfortunately, I have no health insurance and I've yet to even find a local doctor that will take someone with "no insurance", even if I could afford to pay much.... I feel like that homeless guy in the beginning of a clockwork orange, down on the ground, getting beaten...

I don't mean to make this a pitty party, I'm just trying to keep on everyday... If it wasn't for my wife and my kitties, I doubt I'd even be on this earth any more.. This song helps me.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sA8PaIw5gcE

I'm just trying to swim and keep my head above the tide.... I can't believe it's already been 2 weeks since he passed...

Thanks for read this, and I hope everyone feels better than me :,(

Swim by Jack's Mannequin

You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

Whitecats, I want to tell you how sorry I am for you and your wife's loss. One thing is for certain, you are around others who can truly empathize with your loss. So don't be afraid to let us know how you are doing as we are all here to help one another. Guilt is perhaps the most difficult emotion to overcome when we grieve for the loss of a friend or family member, we all know that feeling all too well. We are all good at second guessing our actions after the fact. I did it after we lost our Reggie and at times still do it, but have gotten better at redirecting my thoughts to one of the countless positive memories when my mind takes me back to those last traumatic days. We all encounter feelings of guilt after a loss like yours and there is no easy way to heal, although sharing stories and pictures of your Tony might be one way to help.

My wife and I recently lost our all white cat Reggie to illness, so seeing pictures of your Tony and Rittie really strikes home for me. They were both so beautiful and looked like they were full of life and personality. Try to remember how these animals have enriched your life and how you and your wife are better because of it.

Hi, Whitecats, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. When life is already dragging us down into a dark abyss the physical loss of a beloved companion can certainly be the "last straw" that pushes us over the edge. I am so sorry that your business didn't take flight. I know what it's like to put blood, sweat, and tears into a project for several years only to have it blown away like dust in the wind. It's very depressing emotionally, and your body is going through an adrenalin withdrawal because of all the adrenalin that was being pumped into your system working on your business - - your physical body is now "crashing" from adrenalin "withdrawal." So, what you're going through, Whitecats, is normal - - difficult, depressing, and debiltating - - but normal.

Does your town or city have a free clinic? If so you might try getting an appointment there. Of course this is just a thought, - - I'm sure you have already tried that avenue, perhaps without success? If that is the case, Whitecats, I'm very, very sorry. I do hope and pray that you can find a doctor who will provide you the assistance you feel you need and who already has enough "paying" customers to cover his luxury car payments.

Particularly during the deep grief we do lose a perspective of time - - I call it being on "automatic pilot." Things get done that need to get done, but it seems as if we're on the "outside looking in" - - self-preservation in action. During the deep grief nothing seems "real" or meaningful - - except the painful reality that our beloved companion is physically absent. This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, Whitecats, and I am so glad you are here with us. I hope and pray you find comfort and encouragement and hope as you read each of our notes to you, Whitecats.

Whitecats, I hope the coming days will be peaceful for you, and please do let us know how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam