I need help. I feel like I am drowning here. I can actually feel the pain in my heart and on my chest. Two days ago I made the decision to have our cat "Bill" ( a female.. don't ask! ) of 14 years Euthanized. Now I spend every second doubting my decision, reliving every second of the past month and questioning how sick she was, and whether or not I did the right thing. Here is the story.

Several months ago we noticed that Bill's breathing had become noticably loud. She sounded a bit like Darth Vader.. to give you an idea. When Bill would sneeze, she sneezed blood everywhere. I thought it was maybe allergies ( we had a horrible season) but when it persisted.. we took her to the vet one month ago.
The vet said that Bill most likely had a tumor in her sinus cavity. The vet visit was frustrating.. I thought we would go in.. and have blood tests and xrays .. .something.. ANYthing...
but the vet explained that blood tests only show blood cancers.. so the type of cancer probably afflicting Bill would not show on the blood tests. No xrays.. because a cat's sinus cavity is so small, that they would have to be in the exact right position at the exact right second to even show a tumor. She did say that she could refer us to an oncologist if we wanted, but really that we should go home and enjoy Bill while we could. I asked how long.. Months? Years? All she said was that it wouldnt be years.
I struggled with that vet visit.. unsure if the vet was blowing us off .. or if she was trying to save us money.. which is what I ended up accepting as truth.
The vet's office gave us a 14 day dosage of Clavamox, in order to attempt to reduce the swelling around the presumed tumor, and make Bill's breathing easier. The Clavamox worked like a miracle. Bill's breathing noise stopped and she seemed to be 100% "healed." I went so far as to ask if Bill would be able to STAY on the meds.. but was told no.. because it can cause diareah if taken long term.
Bill completed her two weeks on the meds and then stopped.
About ten days later... the breathing noises returned. No bloody sneezes this time, more of a wheeze.. sounded like she was trying to suck air in through a pinhole. It was worse at times and better at times. There was a night on the couch that we cringed everytime she took a breath.. listening to her wheze and squeak. Then there were mornings she seemed better.. the breathing still noticable but not horrid. ( This was all in a period of a week or so after the noises resumed)
Wednesday night the Vet's office agreed to give us more clavamox.. Said that Bill could have one week on the meds.. followed by one week off.. to see if it helped. I was so relieved to go pick it up. The miracle pill.
Wednesday night Bill took her pill..and then lay with us on the couch sounding horrendous.. puffing out her cheeks when she breathed.. squeaking air in and out.
Thursday morning Bill took her pill.. and then followed my daughter and I to the door when we left.. sitting in the hallway staring at us.. something she had never done. My 11 yr old said it seemed like Bill was saying goodbye.
Thursday evening Bill refused to take her pill.. ( we had been placing it in a pill pocket that she loved) She also refused ( initially ) her wet cat food.
Later that evening we were able to get her to take the pill and eat some food.. but the breathing was once again bad. Bill would climb on and off my lap... an overwhelming desire to be pet.. but she would go off and on my lap..several times in a period of a minute.. as if she couldnt decide if she wanted to be pet or if she felt to bad...
Listening to her breathe, and watching the expression on her face Wednesday and Thursday .. my daughter and I decided that she was in pain.. and that we needed to make "the decision."
Friday morning Bill lay on a kitchen chair.. wheezing...
I called the vet and made an Euthanasia appointment for 10am.
Friday morning Bill actually wanted to eat... she wanted her treats... although she seemed to not be able to smell them and it took her a while to decide to actually eat them.
Bill lay on my lap here at my laptop friday morning while I just sat and cried.
We took her to the vet...and she was wheezing, yet active and alert - jumping on and off the table in the exam room.. trying to get out.
I kept telling people.. I wish she would be SICKER.. I wish she would be lethargic in the corner.. so the decision would be more clear to me. She had some awful nights.. and then some ok days.. where the symptoms didnt disappear.. but they were not as bad. I wish there was some consistencey. How do I know if it's time or not?
We at with Bill and stroked her, hugged and kissed her, and explained what a great cat she had been as she died.
Since Friday I am overwhelmed with guilt and questions.
I go back and forth..
some hours I believe I did the right thing.. she was not well.. she was not treatable.. she was starting to not smell.. starting to refuse food off and on..
and then some hours.. I feel like I as hasty.. was the breathing as bad as I remember it...? ( my daughter confirms this.. but is she only trying to make me feel better? )
I can't stand that I am the only adult in this house..
I made the decision to have her killed..
I took her away from my child..
and from our dog of 14 years that grew up with Bill from puppyhood..
I look for her everywhere I go in this house..
I feel like I can actually feel her in my lap..
I feel like I am losing my mind.
Should I have waited..?
I was petrified to wait... in case she progressed over the weekend ( emergency care was not an option saturday and sunday )
Someone tell me PLEASE that this gets better. I feel like I am dying.

Dear Christine, after reading your story I agree 100% with your decision, despite your consistent efforts to ease Bill's suffering, she was still suffering and what other decision could any real animal lover make. You may not see it now, but I do, I see you as an unselfish person who made the right decision for her beloved cat, you put her welfare before the feelings of great loss that you knew you would feel with her passing. What a beautiful and relaxed darling she was, she deserved to go peacefully.
The guilt trip is something we all go through no matter what decision we make, it is part of being human it seems. I don't think there is one person here who hasn't mentioned the guilt they feel for the decisions they've made, me included.
I know first hand the hell you are going through at this moment and you have my deepest sympathy. In the present time you can't see past your grief and it takes time to come to terms with such a great loss. In time things start to become clearer and you start to rationalise things in your mind and then you will see that the decision you made was the right one.
You hang in there Christine, please know that I am thinking of you and sending my love xx

madi xx

PS, I have a niece with a female cat called "Gary" so you're not too strange xx

Hi Christine,

As you've already viewed my post about Sugar, you must realize that I have made the wrong choice of waiting too long before euthanizing Sugar. I was actually hoping that Sugar would go on her own so I wouldn't have to decide for her but if I had put her best interest first then I would have gone to the vet at least a day early to end her suffering.

I sincerely believe now that if you know that your pet is suffering from an incurable disease and that they're not getting better from treatment then it would probably be wise to end their suffering sooner rather than later, so long as you're there to comfort them through the process.

Like you I'm also feeling an emptiness in me that I've never felt before. I miss being able to pet Sugar and run my hand down her back and I also miss how she hated being neglected while I was typing away on my laptop that sometimes she would come over and laid down on top of the keyboard (the thought of that still puts a smile on my face). I was looking for anything of hers today that still had her scent.

I think what I'm going to do with Sugar's ashes is that I'm going to store it inside a cushion/pillow (saw that product on Lightning-Strike website) so I can still imagine hugging Sugar even though she's no longer with me. I think I really need to have something tangible to touch and feel and a pillow is probably the next best thing...

I am so very sorry for your loss.
Everyone here who has put their animal to sleep has gone through the same emotions. Guilt is something we all deal with. Even though, we did the right thing, guilt sneaks up on us as part of our grieving process.

Your kitty Bill was at an advanced age and was very ill. He started to suffer and you helped end his suffering. What you did was a kind gesture. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it was. Your love for Bill was so strong that you wanted to end her suffering, which in turn would cause you to suffer with her loss. You put the cat first. You were thinking of her comfort and you wanted her to be at peace. Please do not doubt this. I too had to make the same decision as you. I asked myself at the vets office "Are you sure you want to do this, OPie will be gone forever...are you sure?" And I said yes. I couldn't bare to see him suffer. He meant way too much to me. He was too special of a cat to ever have to suffer. But the guilt pops up. We all have it here. It's natural. I wish you peace.

Hi Christine. I was here a month ago. I feel your pain and I'm sorry for your loss. There's moments I too, can't breathe. You loved her. Don't doubt yourself. You're among friends.
-Di

I am so sorry to read your sad story about the great loss of your dear kitty, Bill.

You are trying to find some sort of way to believe that Bill's time hadn't come, you are trying to bargain in a situation where you had no control and could only release your sweet friend from pain and suffering. Please find the same sort of release that you lovingly gave to Bill within your own heart for yourself. You acted out of compassion for a suffering and beloved animal.

You are hurting now because of such a deep and devastating loss. That pain is an expression of love for your friend, don't turn it on yourself, remember how much she shared with you and how much she cared for you. Treasure the loving presence that remains within you, her little spirit is still very close.

Jan

Today was the first workday morning in 14 years that Bill wasn't waiting for me at 5am when the coffee pot went off. I'm not sure how I will get through this. I want to thank you guys.. I am finding great comfort in your replies. Thank you so much

It does get better, I promise... it will take time, and how long that time will be is different from person to person. When my dog Winston died in July within about a week before I truly felt like I was healing, but I process grief rather quickly, it seems.

The best answer anyone here can give you is it will take as long as it takes. Just remember to not repress your emotions. If you have to cry, cry. If you have to scream, scream. Don't keep the emotions bottled up where they'll just gnaw at you; they need to be expressed to be processed.

Any of us that has ever had to let a pet go as you did has dealt with the "what if" questions and concerns that we didn't do more, but no one knew Bill like you knew Bill... you knew when she was feeling too sick or too much discomfort to do what she enjoyed doing, and when you made the decision to let her go you knew the time was right. Bill passed away while his family pet him, loved him and told him what a good cat he was... he wasn't scared, he wasn't afraid. He was at peace.

I'm so sorry you've lost her... she sounds as though she was a very special cat. Please let us know how you're doing; we're all here for you. And when you feel up to it we'd all absolutely love to hear how your female cat received a male name.

-Clay

Firstly, let me say how sorry I am for your loss and that I know the pain you are feeling now, as we all do. Otherwise we would not be here I know it does not seem like it now, but it does get better over time. We lost our Reggie on Oct 29 and that was without a doubt one of the most difficult days I have experienced in my life and certainly the most difficult since I married my wife. Not only my own pain but seeing the pain in others who knew and loved Reggie, especially my wife. As others have told me, grief is a roller coaster that sometimes you cannot control, so you have to ride it out. You will encounter many "firsts" without Bill and that is part of the grieving process. I have found that focusing on the special moments and sharing these stories with others has helped me.

I know you want to blame yourself for the passing of Bill, but you cannot allow yourself to do that. Guilt is a normal part of the grieving process and you want to blame someone or something for Bill's passing. You will find ways to navigate this guilt, such as sharing stories and pictures with us and others. Try to celebrate Bill's LIFE and know that she is happy and healthy where she is now.

We all know this is a very difficult time and in order to heal, you have to allow yourself to grieve. We'll be here for you as others have been here for me.

Hi, Christine, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion Bill. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Christine, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences we will have during our journey on this side of eternity. Sometimes it does feel like we are literally losing our minds, particularly in the deep grief. I wish to assure you that what you are feeling is very normal. It is very common, and comforting, to be able to feel your beloved Bill in your lap, rubbing up against you, talking to you, etc.. Your precious Bill's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you just as she always has been, and even though you can't physically see her, you will forever feel her close to you.

As other wonderful folks on this forum have said, I totally agree that you did the very best for your precious Bill at all times with the information you had at the time, including the decision to release her physically failing body to the care of the angels. I get the impression from your post that your vet was not as compassionate as perhaps he / she could have been, and if this is an accurate impression, I am very sorry you had that experience. However, I do believe the assessment that was made was accurate. Unfortuately, our beloved companions are artists at hiding and disguising their aches and pains until they are no longer able to do so. By the time the symptoms become noticeable and consistent, the medical situation is usually at an advanced stage. Please believe me, I have been through this many times in my life, including very recent years - - 2006 with my number one kitty son Eli, and 2009 with my handsome Black Lab Oslo and my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle (see my posts on Oslo and Abbygayle's Journey if you'd like).

It is heartbreaking when the news we receive is not what our hearts want and need to hear, long to hear, would move heaven and earth to hear. There is nothing that can take away the shock and despair of hearing the words "terminal" when it comes to our beloved companions. And there are no adequate words that can soothe a breaking heart when we are faced with the blatant reality that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us. Indeed it does feel like a part of us is dying, because when we our beloved companions precede us to the angels they take the part of us that belongs only to them with them. It is their way of keeping us with them until it is our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. And although it is very hard for us while we adjust to their physical absence in our lives, knowing that they have a part of us with them in the company of the angels is an honor to the eternal love bond we have with them - - that we are blessed to have through all eternity.

It is very important for you to remember, among many things, that you are not alone in this grief journey. Each of us do understand what you're feeling and what you're going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Hopefully in time as the deep grief passes you will be able to remember your precious Bill and smile. When this happens, Christine, your heart will be able to embrace your precious Bill's sweet Living Spirit, and be filled with her presence in your heart and memories. You see, Christine, the love bond that we share with our beloved companions is eternal, for love is not confined to the physical laws of time and space.

Christine, I hope in some way what I have shared with you will help you through the minutes, hours, days, weeks through your grief journey. Thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Bill and sharing a picture of her with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Christine, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I genuinely and truly can not even express how much this helps me. I log on about once an hour.. ( yes that is how frequent I need it ! ) and read your replies and sit and cry.. BUT I feel reassured.. and I feel like I am not alone. As a single mom with no family, I really did not know where to turn - and I certainly can't turn too much to my little girl, who is already crying herself to sleep at night. I am so fortunate that I found this site.. and people willing to listen to me. I have no idea how I would have even begun to cope.
I am attaching my favorite picture of Bill..
Christine

Please remember that, through the pain and guilt you may be experiencing now, it may help you to realize that you gave Bill the most wonderful lifetime gift; that of love. And I am sure Bill returned that love every day. It is the memory of the love that will last forever.

You are most definitely not alone... everyone here has gone through what you're going through and knows how much pain you're in. We also all know that you do eventually heal. As I mentioned, it takes time, but it does happen.

In the meantime, know we're all here for you. We're all a family here, and our arms are always welcome to new members.

-Clay

Dear Christine35,

I would first like to say that I send you my condolences on your recent loss of your lovely cat Bill. I know how you are feeling because I too was faced with having to make the decision of euthanizing my dog Lukas that I played over in my head for so long if it was the right choice. I strongly believe that you have made the right choice as I had to because this is the least that we could of done for them; to relieve them from any further pain and suffering. Dealing with a loss of a pet surfaces many mixed emotions, “ups and downs”, “why’s”,” what if I did this” or “why did I not do that”. I know the pain you are feeling, I understand the sorrow and how you are missing your loving cat Bill because I too feel this pain from having lost my dog. Please know that Bill is always with you in spirit and our pets know that we truly loved them and always will.
My prayers are with you during this hard time.
Please take care.

Hi, Christine, think of us as your life preserver right now, and for as long as you need to. One of our correspondents recently described her grief as being like in a row boat paddling with toothpicks while being swamped with overwhelming waves. Oh how I can relate to this description. And so, Christine, we are your life preserver in this time of stormy seas for you and your daughter. And we are here for you even when the stormy seas of grief begin to subside and you begin to feel the beautiful sunrise once again in your heart.

Clinical professionals are now recognizing that children grieve differently from adults, and I can relate to this, as I, too, lost a beloved companion when I was 8 years old. At that time, however, many of eons of years ago, there were no resources specifically designed to help children through a devastating experience which is usually their first introduction to physical death, and can be the foundation of how they view physical loss of loved ones - - whatever the life form - - throughout the rest of their lives. Just for your information - - for whatever it is worth - - there are some excellent books and resources on how to help a child cope with the physical loss of a beloved companion, and you might want to check them out to see if they would be helpful for your daughter. I'm just mentioning it beause this might help take some stress from you in trying to find ways to help your daughter - - you might find some helpful ideas through these resources.

Christine, it is an honor to be here for you, and your daughter, and sincerely hope and pray that you find the comfort and encouragement and support that you need through your grief journey. Please know you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you and your daughter are doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Nothing hurts more than to see a child in pain from losing a pet. While it's no cake walk for us adults, children don't have as much ability to understand the fragility of life. This is not to underestimate the ability of children to heal from such loss, as children as as perceptive as adults (sometimes more). But it's never easy to see any child hurt from the loss of a pet.