Five years ago today, I lost my beloved half golden/half lab mix at only 8 years old. She was always a very healthy dog but started doing a weird "snort" sound during the summer of 2005. Originally my vet said it was something known as a "backward sneeze". It continued, and occasionally her nose would bleed. She never acted sick at that point. She started having very loud breathing at night but still seemed fine during the day. On Saturday, September 3rd, I awoke at 6:00 a.m to find my entire bedroom covered in blood. She had sneezed and there was blood everywhere....huge clots on the walls, the drapes, the bed. Her nose was bleeding, and yet she still didn't act sick. I got ahold of my vet at 7:00 a.m.; luckily there was someone there on a Saturday that early. They told me they didn't have the capabilities of doing the necessary scope and made arrangements for me to drive 3 hours to an emergency vet out of town. They had me stop at their office first to see if they could stop the bleeding, which by that point was just a steady drip. I took her in immediately and headed for the emergency vet. Her nose was bleeding all the way there, but when we arrived she was just as happy and perky as ever. You'd never have known she was even sick. They examined her and told me I would have to leave her there so that the scope could be done on Monday morning, and that they would need a $1,000 deposit and that the total bill would run around $3,000. They suspected either some kind of blockage or nasal cancer. I whipped out that credit card so fast it would have made your head spin. I left her, got in my car and called my husband, who was out of town and told him what was happening and that I had spent the money. How could I not? I would have given them my right arm if they had required it. Luckily Kevin was flying into an airport only 1/2 hour from the vet on that Monday, so he was able to pick her up. Unfortunately, early on Monday I had already gotten the news that I dreaded so much. My darling Shannie had cancer. They said it wasn't really a curable thing, although if I wanted I could do chemo and radiation and maybe keep her going for a year. If not, they didn't have a clue how long she would live. I wasn't going to put her through the misery of traveling 4 hours to do treatments for something that at best would prolong her life for a year. We took her home, and they gave us pain pills just in case she needed them, but she never had any pain. She spent the next almost two months completely fine and happy during the day, but breathed very noisily at night. She ate, played and was just like she always was. Finally, on October 24th, she stopped eating and just looked sad, and we knew it was time to let her go. We scheduled it for that Friday at the animal shelter. My daughter and I stayed up all night with her that Thursday just to spend the time with her. My husband bought her McDonald's french fries, which were her favorite thing but wasn't really allowed to have. Kevin and I brought her early in the morning. She was so excited to ride in the car and just was still acting normal. It would have been easier if she seemed sick during the day; but it had gotten so bad at night that I just couldn't let her do that anymore. The worst part is, they wouldn't let me be with her at the end, and the jackass that was doing it actually came out and said how happy and strong she seemed. I wanted to kill him. I have never been so hysterical as I was that last few months. My boss and other people who knew me thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

Now today, it's 5 years. She truly was the most perfect dog I've ever known. I bought Baylee, my lab, only 2 weeks later, and while I love her, to this day I look at her and think "you're not Shannie". I feel guilty for letting her go and for not being with her at the end, as I had thought I would be able to. To this day I will only get a new phone if they can transfer the picture of her as my screen saver, and I've told Kevin if we ever have to move, he's going to have to find a way to bring her with us.

Now I have Tinlee, and she is such a joy and helping me through. It's obvious I was not in a good state of mind to get Baylee, and it's totally different with Tinlee.

I know I should be over the grief by now, but for some reason I just cannot move on from her loss.

Sorry for the rambling, but she is so on my mind all throughout the fall, and my heart is still broken, especially on this day.

Dear Simmi5

We never, ever get over losing our precious darling fur baby soul mates , do we. I can so understand how you are feeling. It's 5 years next February since my Tasha had to be helped on her way to join the Angels. She was 14 and had had diabetes for 7 years. She was blind and she also had nasal problems which couldn't really be treated. Like you say with your dear Shannie, apart from the bleeding and sneezing, Tasha didn't seem to be suffering , until the last few days when I knew we had to release her from any more suffering. Luckily the vet came to our home and she passed peacefully, but I still wondered if I'd done the right thing. With my Noushka who we lost just over a year ago, it was completely different. She just suddenly went off her food and didn't seem herself. We had to leave her with the vet for tests overnight, and bless her, she didn't even make it through the night. She was alone and at the vets and like you I felt so dreadful that I wasn't with her. In a way maybe fate made it happen the way it did for our darlings sake. They hate to see us upset and hurting, they know how much we love them. I do feel that we never really lose them, but not being able to 'touch' them and see them in a physical way is so hard to bear.
We now have Pixie who we rescued about 8 months ago. She is a darling and she has brought back so much joy. She will never replace my Angel girls, Tasha and Noushka, but she has made me see that our hearts have room for new fur babies, and we can grow to love them.
Please know that I am thinking of you and sending a hug.

Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

I am so sorry for your loss... I'm absolutely stunned that they wouldn't allow you to be with her during her final moments; that just sounds so wrong to me. If I had to hazard a guess I'd saw that the reason you still may be having issues with the loss of Shannie is because you were denied that final moment and, as I said, I am shocked they denied you that. I hope that if you ever are forced to release one of your fur babies that you find a different place to do it.

Grieving for the loss of a pet and the decision to get a new one is an intensely personal decision... when we lost Winston in July the sharp, biting grief abated for me about a week later and we decided when the time was right we would find a dog who needed us as much as he did, and to that end we brought Scout home last month. I find myself looking at her from time to time and thinking "You're not Winston" but then I remind myself that of course she's not; she's Scout. Nothing will ever replace Winston and to expect Scout to wouldn't be fair to her or to us... she's her own unique personality, just as Bailey is her own personality. She'll never replace Shannie, but she's not meant to... she's meant to be her own personality and bring her own uniqueness to your family.

I'm so sorry that you're still hurting... the anniversary of the loss of a pet is always tough, but whether it's 5 days, 5 years or 50 years after the loss you'll always find support, compassion and understanding here.

You're in my thoughts today, and please let us know how you're doing; if you're ever able and willing, we'd love to see some pictures of Shannie and your two fur babies.

-Clay

Jan,

You have no idea how much what you said and that virtual hug means to me. It seems like nobody in my family can understand why I still carry this with me constantly. I still cry almost weekly because I miss her so much. As I'm sure you know, people seem to think it's "just a dog"; get over it already! Maybe it's terrible to say, but I actually miss her more than I miss my daddy, who has been gone almost 11 years. My sis-in-law is the only one who understands that part. She just lost her very first dog in July, and he was only 2. We loved our dads, but it's my dog who was there for me every single day. My hubby is a pilot and is gone a lot, so Shannie was "home" to me. Coming home to that empty, quiet house was torture, which is why I got Baylee so quickly. I feel guilty for that, too, because I should have given myself more time.

My heart hurts for your losses, too. Amazing how important our pets are in our lives. They're such a blessing but are often gone way too soon.

Hugs back to you from me, Baylee-Butters, Tinlee-Stotch and my darling Shannie who awaits me at the Bridge.

Hi, Simmi, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Shannie. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. And it doesn't matter if it's been one hour, one day, one week, one month - - or fifty years - - there is always a place in our hearts that ache from the physical absence of our beloved companions. And sometimes this ache is more intense than at others.

As Jan has so comfortingly shared, we never "get over" the loss of our beloved companions. How on earth can we "get over" the perfect love bond we shared during our beloved companions' earthly journey with us? In my senior years I have come to understand, at least for me, that the goal of the grief journey is never to "get over" or "let go" of those who we love with all our hearts. I think the more appropriate word is "adjust" to the physical absence - - which is so very hard all by itself both physically and emotionally. It's actually a life time of "adjustment" of not having the loving, comforting, mischievous physical presence of our beloved companions, for during their earthly journey with us life seemed so "perfect" and "complete". When they precede us to the angels our lives take on a different dimension - - the reality that someone we love with all our hearts is no longer physically with us.

But the beauty of our love bond is that it is eternal. This love bond is not confined to the physical laws of time and space. Our beloved companoins' sweet Living Spirits are forever with us wherever we go and whatever we do. They are forever in our hearts and memories which nothing, not even the dimming of our minds with age, can ever take away from us. Even new companions in our lives and homes, as precious as they are in their own right, will never take the place of our loved ones who are with the angels. They will, instead, find their own special place in our hearts and lives that we will cherish forever.

Simmie, thank you so o o o much for sharing with us about your precious Shanni. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to posting a picture of her, as well sharing some of your memories with us. And I am so glad you are here with us, Simmie, and hope that you know you are among friends here. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Simmie, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I've been lurking on here for quite awhile now and had already joined the Facebook part as well as recommending it to my sister-in-law.

I appreciate the many words of comfort from all of you, those that have been given to me, and the ones I've seen given to others. You are truly a wonderful group of furbaby lovers.

I will try to post pictures of my Shannon (Shannie Poo-Poo, as we usually called her), as well as pics of my 5 year old lab Baylee, and my 5 month old Golden, Tinlee.

I've read some beautiful things here today; I can't stress enough how much it means to find people who understand how I'm feeling.

Thank you so very, very much.
Diane

Hi Diane,

I'm sorry you're still hurting so much. I think moon_beam said it perfectly when she said we never truly "get over" the loss of our precious fur-babies, especially the special ones that we had that "soul connection" with. We will never truly be whole again, for a part of us went with them the day they died. I think the only way we can experience some kind of peace is to try and think of it as a transition rather than a loss. They're still with us - they are energy and love, which cannot die - all around us at all times. I know we still miss the feel of them, the smell of them, the cuddles... but at least they are free from any pain or discomfort they may have been in. I hope you manage to find some kind of peace in your heart.

Thinking of you, Cheryl x