Hi, dear friends--

I just wanted to post a few words and explain why, after being around here so much for eight months, I've suddenly more or less disappeared.

There are two main reasons: one is that my Internet connection got severely disturbed by a big storm a few weeks ago, and I'm only online a small part of the time now.

But the second reason is more compelling to me: I find that I just don't want to be around so much grief and pain right now. While first Poppers, and then Ladywolf, were sick and dying, I needed to be here all the time. I really needed to both give and receive the support that all you wonderful people had to offer me. This site saved my life, and prevented me from going into incapacitating depression around the loss of both of my girls in six months, especially the loss of Ladywolf. Without you folks, I have no doubt that I might have been hospitalized over Ladywolf's death, as I have that kind of history.

But, after learning all that I learned here about grieving for beloved pets, I was able to use my knowledge to uplift myself and keep myself out of the pits of despair. Instead, I was able to see the lives of both of them as journeys, with natural beginnings and conclusions. Please know that I am talking about MY experience and process, and not in any way judging your's! I was very lucky--both of my girls passed relatively peacefully at home. I know that many of you have not been so lucky...

Now I find that I just don't have the "room" for a lot of pain--that I don't know what to say anymore to try to comfort people, that I want to move on to enjoying my life with my new fur-friend Leopold. So I just can't be here that much for now, and I hope that you understand.

I'm not posting because I think that I am so all-fired important around here, but because I know that some of the others of you may feel the same way that I do, and I want to affirm and confirm that that is all right too. There is a time for grieving and a time for not dwelling in the intense pain of loss, and that is the space I am in right now. I love you all a lot, I thank you forever for your support and wisdom and good company, and I WILL check in from time to time. And who knows when I will need to return for comfort--though I hope that that isn't too soon. (That's one nice thing about having a healthy young kitten--I am not on death-watch for now.)

Big big thanks to all of you, keep the faith, and I'll see you soon!!

Big hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, Lady Popper's, and Sweet Pea's memories, and Leopold the Boldest Cat on Earth

Dearest Margi,

I know and understand exactly what you're saying. The sorrow and devastation here had me crying buckets to the point where I was no longer able to offer comfort to anyone and felt the need to run, and boy did I run fast, far staying away for weeks and months at a time. So much pain that it became unbearable for me.

When I read what you shared in your message to us, of course a song came to mind. Really, two songs. If you want to see and hear the video to one of them, please turn up your volume and click the following: "Happy Happy Joy Joy Song" Yes, that's exactly how I feel about your happiness and moving forward. I only wish my words would serve me better.

However, next is the song that popped into my head at the exact same moment. I had to find the perfect video though. Yes, it's sung in English by Fleetwood Mac, but the words describing each slide are in a different language. Not to fret. You'll be able to decipher all quite easily. It's beautiful with the perfect message I want to tell you. So, please click on the link below to hear and view.

Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow

"Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow"
By: Fleetwood Mac

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day.
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow.
Don't stop. It'll soon be here.
It'll be here better than before,
Yesterday's gone. Yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done.
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow.
Don't stop. It'll soon be here.
It'll be here better than before.
Yesterday's gone. Yesterday's gone.

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while.
I know you may not believe that it's true,
They never meant any harm to you.

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow.
Don't stop. It'll soon be here.
It'll be here better than before.
Yesterday's gone. Yesterday's gone.

Don't you look back ...
Don't you look back ...
Don't you look back.

Margi, one of my poems which I composed a few short years ago came to my mind straight away, too. It also expresses what I wish to share with you now. I chose and enhanced the images and have shared it with one other person here. And, at this time, it truly fits you, Dear One. I titled it: "Living in the Now" and here it is ...

Some days are bright and some days are black.
Some days we spend and can never get back.

Traveling times past has proven most futile
Even when memories are sometimes so brutal.

I've found that it's best to live in the now.
Yesterday's gone; Tomorrow's a vow.

A vow is a promise that's easily broken.
Too many live for their wish that's unspoken.

To live in the now. That is what all ought strive.
Just remember right now you are truly alive!









Sweet Margi, I Wish You Joy ... And so much more ... And so much more ...

Many Bright Blessings of Love and Light! Namaste.

Always, Dottie xoxoxox

Margi... you have typed everything I feel. I tried to come on here everyday but I found that it was making me more depressed and I couldn't find the right words to help anyone else. I was feeling so guilty because this forum saved my life and I feel like I should be giving back to the people that are hurting so badly but I just don't have the strength at the moment. I hope that once I have completely accepted my loses that I can come back and be supportive to others but right now I think I need a break.

Yesterday was the one year mark for Callaway and that brought me down a few notches on the grieving scale. I learned that I still have some guilty feelings that I need to work on.

Thank you so much Margi for your words, I am grateful that you typed them and feel comforted in knowing that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

To everyone that has helped me... thank you so much, you all really did save my life. To the new people that have joined the forum... I am so sorry that you are going thru so much pain but you have found the right place to come and start to heal.

Love to all,
Rhapsedy

Dear Margi,

I think everyone here understands. We all miss you tons though - miss your friendship and inspiration - but we do understand. I just want to thank you for all the support you've given me over the last few months after the loss of my Daisy. If it wasn't for you, and a few other members here, I would still be at a really dark place right now. So, thank you again. And I hope you do drop in every now and again just to let us know how you're doing.

Take care of yourself.
Cheryl and my angel Daisy xx

Oh, I so understand. I, too, have a difficult time coming on here. I am always confronted with my initial post, and of course, others incredible pain and grief. I am still at the stage when I see an email I received, I think..., "Wow, Little Bit was still alive when I sent/received that email...," so I had to delete ALL my emails prior to that horrific day of 9/2.

I am far from over the loss of Little Bit..., the sobbing has stopped, the hole in my stomach is not as deep, but it is still there. Every time I look or walk outside, it still feels incredibly empty. I still dread (but not as much) driving home from work every morning because I know Little Bit won't be charging at me like a maniac, and my days off are still rough (not as rough) because Little Bit isn't around to keep me company while the whole world is asleep. And of course, I still deal with the guilt of calling Little Bit to me, which resulted in the horrific accident.

So, all that to say, I so understand. I come here to check on everyone and how they are doing, but not as often. And it is for the same reason as you explained.

I wish there was another forum we could all post on, separate from the "Death and Dying Pet Support" so we could track each other and what is going on. For instance, I want to keep checking on Clay and his new puppy Scout..., but it is still painful to have to log onto this particular forum and be confronted with my initial post.

But, I understand exactly what you are saying...

Margi, thank you thank you thank you. I was feeling so guilty for not spending time here. I think at some point we have to move away from this site a little. I miss talking to you and Moonbeam and everyone else but I find I can't keep up with the new entries. I want so badly to give the new people what was given to me but I have to take care of me too. It sounds so selfish but I think we just get to that stage of the process.
I want to keep in touch as well. I'm running from this site these days too because my anxiety is getting the best of me. I saw my dr. yesterday and there was something suspicious on my EKG so I'm having to go for further tests. If there is something wrong, there is a possibility that it is stress-related so I'm having to retreat to take better care of myself. She recommended medication and therapy as I'm not processing everything as well as maybe I should. There's been so much more than just losing my boys that I can't go into. So, because of that, I think I will be off the site for a little while. I'm so grateful to you for posting what is difficult to say. I wish you the very best while you're away. I will miss you.
-Donna

Dear Friends

I will miss all of you who feel that you need to move on now and are not able to post right now, but I do understand how you all feel. I have been there many times myself, but a year on for me now and I feel so connected to the members, new and old on this forum, that I am not ready to let go. I can cope now and I am over my depression, but I hope that I can be of some help to others who haven't reached that stage yet..... I know it does take time. My Angels are always in my thoughts, I will never forget them, but I can think of them now and just remember how much happiness they brought to my life, and they still do, as I feel them with me.
I would like to thank you all for being there for me , and I do hope that you will pop back now and again, when you can, just to let us know how you are.
I wish you all the very best.

Hugs Jan and my Angels and Pixie

The "Cybershoulder" section of the forum is supposed to be for just that. It doesn't get used very often though. Maybe we should try posting in there more

Take care,
Cheryl xx

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for affirming what I feel myself, and for expressing love and good wishes. I miss all of you too--my computer problems really ARE a part of me never being in chat, anymore, for example...

Maybe we should start one new thread in Death and Dying Support, or the Administrative Section, called "How I am Doing," where everyone can just check in, old friends and new, and not have to read painful threads if we don't want to. That could be way for all of us to keep in touch no matter where we are in our process.

Thanks again, everyone!!!

Big big hugs from Margi, the Spirit Dogs, and Leopold the Boomerang

Hello, Dearest Margi!

I'm so glad I just popped in and read what I've quoted you above. There is a place here to do just that. Please, go to the "CyberShoulder Room" at the very bottom of the front of this forum. Pinned at the top, the fourth row down at this time, is a topic titled: "Getting To Know Each Other" filled with all kinds of fun gossip as well as sharing lots of other things which are not related to our losses. Please, let me give you the direct link. Simply click Here. There are several pages, I was the last to post and am kinda disappointed that no one has commented about my very first horse ride as a tiny kid.

Hey, when you read it and see the pictures I posted, you'll know why I put that big grin there. Actually, I'm laughing.
I'll be waiting for you, Dear One.

Big Hugs and Lotsa Love to you, your Angel Fur Kids and Leopold the Bold!

Always, Dottie xoxoxox

I can't say that I can relate because I'm only at the beginning of this journey. It has to be hard when you're finally at the point of healing to read the terrible losses that new posters have experienced. Please know that I understand. To those that are able to continue to give support, you're a Godsend.

All the best Margi, hopefully your new journey with Leopold with be a long and happy one. You sure deserve some peace and happiness my girl. Catch you one day xx


madi xx

Thanks to all who have responded so kindly, and I sure wish you well on your journeys.

The Cyber-Shoulder Room doesn't get used very much, so I'll go on posting here occasionally. By now, Leopold the Strange and I are deeply bonded; I need never have worried about the fact that I didn't feel like I loved him "enough" when I first got him. He has wormed his way into my heart with his bizarro personality and his unique Bengal beauty. All the visiting dogs are gone from the neighborhood now, which gives Leo his chance to be truly "Top Dog" in the neighborhood, even though he is a cat. He is definitely in charge of law and order around here, especially in my house.

I'm starting to take him on car trips now that it's cooler and I can have the windows rolled up. He is gradually getting with the program and hardly yowls at all anymore. He roams loose through the car and just generally does his own thing--at all times, in all ways. He is extra-ordinary!!

I'm doing okay. Still underemployed and bored, but November may change all of that.

Big hugs to everyone, and kisses to your fur friends!!

Margi, Spiritwolf, Popper's Spirit, and Leopold the King of the World

Margi,

I'm glad that you stopped by today. I'm so happy that you and Leopold have deeply bonded. I'll bet he's gorgeous!

Take care!
Sandy

Click to view attachmentClick to view attachment
Great to see you Margi

I'm so happy that Leo the Loved is bringing you so much 'joy'. Ladywolf will have made sure he has plenty of 'character' to keep you amused and busy. Angel sent I'm sure. TRy and post a pic if you can sometime Margi, I bet he's really like a tiger now.
Pixie is still sort of Pony sized , as against 'horse' sized. I think you'll get some idea of her size from the 'sticky beaking' pic. She certainly has grown some more, which makes us think that Anna was probably spot on with her first birthday in early February.

I do miss our late night/early morning chats though, even though we did go off at tangents somewhat. I still have my little (sssh.... you know what) and it always makes me think of you and gives me a laugh !

I send love and hugs to you and your Leopold.
Hope to see you in Cyber shoulder again soon.

Jan and my Angels and Pixie the Ponydog xx
Click to view attachment Pixie

Ooh, that's my gorgeous God daughter Pixie!! How's it going Jan?

madi xx

Hi, Margi, it's so o o o good to see you still with us from time to time. I'm glad to know Sir Leopold is doing well, and that you both are enjoying each other's company. Please know you and your precious "king" are frequently in my thoughts and prayers every day, and look forward to hearing from you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I understand, I have been feeling the same way, but regardless, I will miss you and our chats.....hope you enjoyed them as much as I did. Hope things get better for you. Miss you and Jan in chat, but hope to run into you one of these days!

Diane

I miss chatting with you too Jan. Hope to run into you one of these days. What beautiful Pixie pics.

Diane

Hey, Margi. Good to hear from you. Thanks for checking in. I, too, would love to see some recent pics of Leo when you have the chance.

Sending you hugs -- Cheryl xx

Hi Margi,

Not sure if you'll read this or not, but just wanted to stop by on the off-chance that you do, and say hello. I hope things are going well for you? We all understand your reasons for not being around here much, but I'm sure I can speak on behalf of others by saying that we're all anxious to know how you're getting on, as well as an update on your 'little' terror, Leo! Would love to see some recent pictures of him to see how much he's grown. If it's too difficult for you to post in the "death" section maybe you should give Leo his own thread in the "new beginnings" section - since he's definately been a new beginning for you.

Well, I hope you're well, and just want you to know that I think of you and Leopold often.

Hugs, Cheryl xx

Hi Margi

I echo all that Cheryl just said. It would be lovely to hear how you and Leo are getting on. I miss our 'chats'. Pixie is doing fine and I think she is still growing. You would be very impressed.
I send love and hope to hear from you soon.

Jan xx

Hey Margi,

Stopping by on this site for the first time in a couple of months. Just wanted to say hello. I'll drop you a line at your message box or email

Dennis

Hi , lovely to see you back Dennis, I am in chat , will wait for a while

Hi, all you lovely people!

Hope you had great Thankgivings. I did--I celebrated those I loved whom I have lost, and those I love whom I have gained...

Yes, it's been a long time since I've dropped by, and I do apologize. I've been in the throes of getting hired for a new part-time job, which I have now. I am womaning a remote office of the local community college, right smack dab in the middle of a hoity-toity retirement community full of mostly stuck-up snobs. I basically hate it, between the people I have to deal with and the fact that, aside from dealing with those people very occasionally, I have absolutely nothing to do. I've never been so bored on a job in my life--which is why I haven't HAD a job, other than substitute-teaching, since 1983! (I've been self-employed for all those years, and now I remember why!)

Anyway, the process of getting hired and starting to work has preoccupied me for awhile. I shouldn't complain, I suppose, as I was lucky to get hired for any kind of job at all at the ripe old age of 60, and it IS only part-time, and I will somehow learn to cope with the empty hours. It's a paycheck. Not much of one, but enough to pay the basic bills (rent and utilities) if I am very very frugal. And it's only three days a week, so, Margi....stop bitching! I'm still also doing freelance writing and editing, which I love, when I manage to land jobs...

Leopold is...Leopold. Still the Terrible, but not QUITE as terrible as he was as a kitten. I look back now with horror and realize that he was a truly OBNOXIOUS kitten!!! He attacked me so much that it seemed like I was bleeding most of the time, he wouldn't leave ANYTHING alone, he would never shut up--he was a total handful.

I know everyone thought I was being cute and funny when I told tales about how awful he was, but he truly was almost unmanageable. Thank GOD those days are over now! Somehow, we managed to stick it out together, and I am mighty glad that we did--but as recently as just a month or two ago, I still had random thoughts about returning him to the Bengal breeder...

He just got altered about three weeks ago, thanks to the deep generosity of one of L-S's most devout and loving members, and I'm expecting, or hoping at least, that he will calm down even more now. He has a steady girlfriend named Ginger who was dumped on my neighbor Mark's door, who's about the same age as Leo. They are totally in love with each other, which means that they fight viciously all the time but never hurt each other. I'm so glad that they have each other, because it takes a lot of the heat off me. Leopold eats all of Ginger's food and she eats all of his--and they might as well be married. Ginger hasn't been altered yet because Mark has no money either. This disturbs me a lot, but at least we won't be having any little Gingerpolds wandering around looking for homes.

I don't have any recent pictures--I can barely get Leo to hold still long enough for me to take any, and I've gotten lazy about it. He is big now, and still growing (he's eight months old), and I do think that I may end up with an unusually large feline (kind of Pixie-sized, Jan. My GOD, is Pixie large, judging from your wonderful pictures!!)

I missed Ladywolf and Poppers a lot on Thanksgiving morning, when I went rock-hunting with the friend that I always used to spend the holidays with. We always either went up to the river if the weather was warm, or rock-hunting if it was cold, and we ALWAYS had Lady and Poppers with us! But the missing was kind of bittersweet rather than intensely painful, and it was quite bearable.

I've been spending a lot of time on a site devoted to people like me with depression and/or bi-polar disorder, enjoying their company and support, and also using my skills as a counselor, sometimes to talk someone out of suicide! We have a very lively chatroom, unlike this site's room--there are ALWAYS people there to talk to. I do really miss my conversations with people like you, Diane, and Jan, and Dennis--but I just had to find a site where I could find other people to talk to at any time of day or night.

Oh, yes, I finally got the last nine of my teeth pulled out (in one sitting!--ARG!!), and got dentures a few weeks ago. Cosmetically, they are beautiful, but I'm having a lot of trouble getting used to them. I guess it takes most people some time. I went to my "coming-out" party on Thanksgiving, in the sense of coming out with my beautiful new teeth. I got all dressed up and wore red lipstick and danced my ass off (well, I wish that I COULD have danced my ass off!!) A lot of people don't quite recognize what is new about me. They know that it's SOMETHING...maybe a new haircut?

Well, I've been overdue on reporting in to all you great folks who have written to me, both here and privately. Life is good, though poverty still sucks and always will. For example, I can't substitute teach anymore at all, because I would earn "too much money"--which means, over $850 a month--and lose my state medical insurance, which I can't afford to lose. (So where is the incentive to work hard, I ask you?) Anyway, be that as it may, I think about you folks a lot and I thank you so much for trying to track me when I am silent. I find that it's still best for me not to be immersed in pain and loss right now, but to be focusing on new beginnings!

Much love and Big Hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, Popper's memory, and Leopold the Psychotic One

Hi, Margi, thank you so much for sharing with us how life is going for you and your precious Leopold. I'm sorry you can't substitute teach - - are you sure you wouldn't rather do that than the "office slug" job? Of course, substitute teaching isn't "steady" employment. There's something very wrong in our society where a person has to choose between having health care coverage and earning a paycheck. I do not understand why people have to be in poverty in order to be eligible for assistance. It doesn't take much these days for someone to get into poverty existence.

I'm glad the forum for folks who are having depression and other challenges is rewarding for you. With being a professional counselor this must be very rewarding for you.

Margi, I'm so glad you are feeling the sweet Living Spirits of your precious Ladywolf and Poppers with you, even though it isn't the same has having their precious physical bodies walking beside you, jumping into the ponds, chasing the squirrels, and dancing for the joy of the day. I'm glad you had a peaceful Thanksgiving, Margi.

Thank you so much for stopping by and saying "hello." We do miss you, Margi, - - you're always close in thought and prayer. May life be kind to you and your precious Leopold always. Look forward to hearing from you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi All-

I'm missing my dogs terribly over the holidays--these are the first without them--but thought you'd like to see Leopold, who DOES make a big difference in my life!

Here's...Leo!

Wow! He is quite a wild cat isn't he? I am so happy he is bringing joy to your life

Leo is so gorgeous Margi. Thanks for posting the photos of him.
Thinking of you, especially at this holiday time.

Love Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

What a gorgeous cat! I love the eyes especially.

Hi Margi,

Oh, my, what a beautiful, handsome boy. And he knows it too -- you can tell by the 'royal' expression on his face.

Thank you so much for stopping by to say hello, and to share those wonderful pictures. Thinking of you.

Big hugs, Cheryl xx

Hi, Margi, oh what a handsome fellow!! Of course Ginger is smitten with him. Have you sung him the lyric: Leopold and Ginger sittin' in a tree - - k i s s i n g!!

Thank you so much for sharing these wonderful pictures of your precious Leopold. Yes, I can very understand how Ladywolf and Poppers are on your mind these days. I hope the coming days will be peaceful for you and Sir Leopold, and Lady Ginger. May you be blessed with the presence of Ladywolf's and Poppers' sweet Living Spirit, and please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Margi,

I see Leo is growing up...I guess we should take a lesson from him. Just wishing you some peace of mind over the holdidays and upcoming years.

Dennis

Wow-Leopold has gotten so big and handsome! They grow up SO fast! I have not been around much myself lately either but glad to see you stopped by. I know you miss your dogs so much but happy that Leo is providing you with his companionship and love. Merry Christmas to everyone!

Thank you all for the compliments on my handsome boy. Here is one more pick of him, in a resting, peaceful state...

I missed Christmas by sleeping all through it, but I hope you other folks had a joyful time, and I wish you a Happy New Year!!

Hugs--Margi and Leopold and Spiritwolf and Poppers' Spirit too

Hi, Margi, thank you so o o o much for this wonderful picture of Sir Leopold, in one of his more quieter moments. Your stories of him remind so much of "The Little Rascals" - - which I often thought of with my Eli.

I hope you're doing okay, my friend. Please know you and your precious Leopold are frequently in my thoughts and prayers every day, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Just look at that beautiful fur!!! I just want to reach out and stroke it!! He really is gorgeous, Margi.

Wishing you all the best for 2011.

Hugs, Cheryl xx