On Thursday my pal and support, Little Bit, was hit by a car and killed right before me. And worse yet, he was running to me because I called him. Whenever I called his name (he was a cat) he would charge towards me like a dog. He had no fear of cars, so he ran right out in front of the car, I cannot yet forgive myself. had I looked, like I normally do, before calling his name, he would still be with me today.

I miss him when I come home from work charging up to me. I would bend down and swoop him up, his little back legs swinging up into my arms, and I would cradle him and kiss him on his cheek. That is how I picked him up after he got hit.

The crazy thing is, he wasn't even my cat. He came around here as a kitten to neighbors that didn't really care for their animals, and soon he was coming over to my house. Soon, he was my cat. When I came home he would greet me, and then sleep on my patio or window sill, or lay in my backyard, legs spread backwards like a dog, gazing into the pond.

Every time I think about him, I think about how he could have been here if I would have just taken one more step off of my porch before calling to him.

I miss him so much and the fact that I contributed to his death is even more tormenting.

Little Bit..., I'm so sorry I didn't look before I called you. I miss you so, I love you so....

Dear Greenbeagle

I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your dear Little Bit. He knows how much you love him and that there is no way you would ever do anything to harm him. Tragic accidents happen all too often, but you are in no way to blame. We all feel a certain amount of guilt no matter how our precious fur babies leave us. We feel so responsible for them in every way.
Please know that I am thinking of you and your dear Little Bit, and sending my heartfelt sympathy to you.
Please post again and let us know how you are. There are so many great people here who can help you. We can't take away the pain, but we can be a kind ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on , whenever you need one.
Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

Hi, Greenbeagle, please permit me to offer my sincrest sympathies in the loss of your precious Little Bit. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a beloved companion tragically like Little Bit can be even more devastating.

I agree wholeheartedly with Jan - - this was not your fault. There is no way you could have foreseen that car coming down the street just at the time that Little Bit would be crossing the road. Even if you had stepped down further off your porch the car may very well have not been in sight at the time you started calling him.

I am terribly sorry for your loss. You didn't mention if the driver of the car stopped to offer you comfort. I am so sorry if he / she did not. I can only say "shame on the driver" if he / she did not stop.

Greenbeagle, clinical studies show that the mind records events, and in the event of a traumatic episode - - such as witnessing your Little Bit's death - - the mind replays this event over and over - - like a phonograph needle stuck in the groove of a record (I know, I'm ****** myself here). What you are experiencing is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, unfortunately. Hopefully in time your mind will be able to diminish this very tragic scene from the front of your memory so that you can focus your memory on the wonderful times you shared with your precious Little Bit. And this is what Little Bit wants for you - - he does not want you blaming yourself for something that was - - very tragically - -out of your control.

Greenbeagle, this grief journey is filled with so many different emotions, and unfortunately guilt is one of them. It is a normal grief emotion, and is one of the hardest to reconcile. Each of us here knows all too well the "what if's", "why didn't I's", "I should have's", "I shouldn't have's", etc., that go along with the "wisdom" gained through hindsight. Unfortunately, Greenbeagle, none of us have the privilege of foresight - - of knowing what is coming ahead of time - - or even at a specific moment - - until the event occurs. I also personally know all to well how easy it is for someone to say "you should not blame yourself" - - but only the gift of healing can actually help to ease this grief burden from one's heart.

I hope and pray with all my heart, Greenbeagle, that someday you will know that Little Bit does not blame you for what happened to him. I hope and pray with all my heart that someday you will be able to embrace his sweet Living Spirit that continues to be with you at all times and in all circumstances. The special bond you shared with him during his journey with you on this side of eternity continues on because it is no longer bound by the physical laws of time and space. Little Bit chose YOU to share his life with during his journey on this side of eternity. He chose YOU to embrace his memory in your heart for all eternity. None of us knows when we embrace the life of a precious companion how long our journey is going to be together, nor what the circumstances are going to be that will have them precede us from this side of eternity. This is why we must hold fast onto the precious memories we do have our precious companions, and the reassurance that one day, at our appropriate time - - we will be reunited with them in heaven's perfect garden.

As Jan has already encouraged you, please do come back and let us know how you're doing. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no judgments made here, no blame imposed, no fingers of guilt pointed. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Greenbeagle, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Greenbeagle--

There is little I can add that hasn't already been so eloquently said by moon_beam and Jan. I am so very very sorry for your loss of Little Bit.

Obviously, accidents do happen all the time, and, while they are tragic, that is why they are called "accidents." As moon_beam said, you are experiencing PTSD now, which complicates the grieving process considerably, making guilt the outstanding feeling, which is most unfortunate. I am certain that you took GREAT care of LittleBit during his lifetime, and would never have done anything to harm him. He knows that you love him and looked after him as best you could. I could tell you another similar story from my life, but won't, because it was just too sad. Suffice it to say that I know what you are experiencing now.

Again, I am so so sorry for your loss. Keep coming here for support--you'll get plenty, as we all know the grief process intimately.

Big big hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold the Bold

I am so glad you all responded. I went to another site and no one has responded yet, which hurt, for some reason. I guess some people, when they get over their loss, move on.

I am still blaming myself and still missing Little Bit.

Right now I am sitting in my den and I would always look out my window in here and see Little Bit's shadow as he was lying on the window sill. He loved that spot because it was sheltered by a self-made outdoor pen for my inside kitties. And, the lounge chairs outside on my patio are empty now - when he wasn't on the window sill he was back on one of them sprawled out like a king.

I am getting him cremated and bringing him home. I haven't decided what to do with his ashes yet. I always promised him I would take him to Colorado with me whenever I get to retire and move from Florida, but I may sprinkle his ashes on his window sill, on the patio, and out by his pond because these are the places he knew, and loved.

I work midnights (which just enhances the pain when I am driving around at 3 or 4 in the morning, everything looks so dark and lonely) and when I drove home every morning when Little Bit was still here, I cringed as I turned onto my street - fearing that I would see Little Bit's body lying on the road. He just had no fear of cars, and I couldn't teach him that. And quite frankly, I believe I could deal with it better had it happened like that, rather than the way it happened - me calling him into harm's way. Had he been mine from the get-go, he NEVER would have been an outside kitty, but by the time he and I bonded and I told him he was really mine, he would have no part of being inside. Whenever it began to rain (and in Florida there are some horrible storms) I would open the back door and call his name. He would come charging in, I'd snag him and dry him off and bring him back into the den. He would promptly chow down on food I had out for the indoor kitties, and then flop down in one of their beds and fall fast asleep. Before too terribly long he would be at the door. As soon as I opened he would saunter outside.

The funny thing is, he and I bonded much more than any of my indoor kitties.

Hobbes: I got him years ago (2001 or 2002) from a domestic battery call (I am a police officer), and he is special in his own way, he sleeps with me every day when I come home, spooning next to me, or pigging my pillow, eventually pushing me off the pillow. He allows NO OTHER ANIMAL on the bed with us. But he is very moody - although amazingly enough these past few days he has actually been gentle with me, no hissing or growling when he is over me.

Maggie: She was my mother's cat who passed away 5 years ago. At first when I brought Maggie home I was actually trying to have her adopted by someone (trustworthy, of course) because I thought she was so "needy". In fact, she wasn't needy, she was just more affectionate than Hobbes and liked to run in and start rubbing against my legs. Well, eventually I began looking for that affection. I cringe now when I think back about trying to give her away. I am so glad no one took her.

Chowder: I picked her up at the vet's office. They always have a cat out in the lobby they are trying to get adopted. I had taken the other two in for their checkup and curled up under a blanket in the cat cage was a shy little cat that looked like a bowl of New England clam chowder. I began talking with her, and the rest is history. Someone had her totally declawed and then just tossed her outside. Personally, I am against declawing, but to also toss them outside, how more cruel is that. Well, needless to say she is sound asleep in her bed right now, next to me.

I love them all, but the one that was always available to me, even though he was always outside (except during storms) was Little Bit. On my nights off, when I was walking around all hours of the night because I slept during the day, I would walk outside and Little Bit was either on top of my car, legs dangling over the back, sound asleep, or he would come charging up to me from the black of night. He and I were the only ones awake in the entire neighborhood. Now, even the neighborhood is so lonely without him flitting around all over. I guess we bonded more because he acted more like a dog, and I miss having a dog. And, he exhibited such an unbelievable joy for living. Everything he did, he did it with a smile on his face. Whenever I saw him, regardless of the mood I was in, or what hour of the day or night, he gave me a spark of joy.

Well, I could keep writing on and on and on, but I know this is too long. The hardest times are in the middle of the night when no one is around. I even went onto some chat rooms, hoping against hope that SOMEONE would be online..., but the chat lines are always closed at that time of the morning.

I miss him, and the movie of his last few minutes, and the fact that things could be different if I had only..., keep playing over and over and over. Just when I think that I might be accepting this, BOOM, that movie starts going and I keep thinking, "Oh God..., if I had only..." My head knows it wasn't really my fault, but my heart screams something totally different. So far, the heart is winning.

Thank you all again for responding, and I am sorry this is so long, but I think it helps to write these things out - I hope it will anyway..., eventually.

Oh, and I forgot to add..., September is a horrible month for me as well because I lost my two sisters, and my mother in September. It struck me that Little Bit got killed in September, as well. Somehow ironic, incredibly more painful now. I always tell people, if I live through September, I have at least another year to lice.

Hi, Greenbeagle, thank you so o o much for sharing with us about Little Bit and all of your precious companions. Each one is special because of the individual bond we share with them. And this is one of the many reasons why it is so painful - - both physically and emotionally - - when they precede us from this side of eternity into heaven's perfect garden.

Greenbeagle, feel free to write to your heart's content here. There are no limitations on how long or short posts can be. It is very therapeutic to write out what is in one's heart and mind, and we are here to read and share every word.

It sounds like you have at least tentative plans for Little Bit's ashes that will be comforting for you. You may want to save some of his ashes to keep with you if you decide to move - - as a physical remembrance of his life with you. I do understand all too well what you mean about your "it wasn't really my fault, but my heart screams something totally different. So far, the heart is winning." This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, Greenbeagle, and hopefully someday your heart will be able to embrace what your mind knows - - and what we here all know - - is true.

This forum also has a chat room that is open 24 / 7. The difficulty with chat rooms is that sometimes there isn't anybody available. This is one of the reasons why I much prefer the message board because someone somewhere on this planet will get an e-mail notification of a new post and will be able to respond immediately with others, like me, responding as quickly as possible. So, Greenbeagle, please know we are here for you.

Again, Greenbeagle, I am so sorry for your loss of Little Bit. I do understand how empty your home and heart feels even with other precious furkids with you. Scientific studies have proven that every living being has an "energy" and when this "energy" is no longer present - - for whatever reason - - the rest of the houshold members feel a very real physical and emotional loss of this "energy." Even the structure of the house itself seems to feel the loss. You and your other precious companions are now in the process of adjutsting to the physical absence of Little Bit, and this just takes time, Greenbeagle - - one day at a time.

Greenbeagle, please know we are here for you, and please know it matters not how long or short your posts are. Every word will be read. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Greenbeagle, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Write at any length you want to Greenbeagle, we are happy to read your story and that of your feline friends.

I had a dog in Colorado, and I moved both of us back to NJ when she was about 8. I always promised her that we would return to Colorado, and we never did in her lifetime. But I did, alone, and I took some of her ashes back with me and buried them in "The Oddfellows" cemetery up above Central City, Colorado, when it was still just a sweet little town, not a gambling town like it is now... So you could do the same with Little Bit...

Being a police officer, I am sure that you are exposed to all kinds of horror all the time. But nothing is as profound as the horror that we heap upon ourselves when we feel that we have done something "wrong." You did nothing wrong--just the timing was off--and the outcome terrible. But your motives were pure--you wanted Little Bit to come to you. Nothing wrong with that.

Thank you for sharing so much about your kitties with us. This Forum really cares about the people who come here to post--you're finding that out. We know that it's not over when it's over...it's only just beginning for most of us.

Tale care of yourself, please, and do not fret anymore than you have to. Guilt is a killer, though perfectly understandable in this situation.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss--

Hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold the Terrible

Thank you guys so very much for your words. They are so incredibly important to me.

I am about to head into work, which I normally would not have done, I would have called in sick, but the fact is, I live alone (besides my kitties) and through every tragedy in my life, I find it better to go to work. It is difficult right now, especially the hours, but people at work are kind, even though many of them do not share the same passion for animals that I do. And many of them are big, burly guys who wouldn't admit it if they did, but they still relay their condolences. I don't talk about it at work because I don't want to bawl my eyes out, not that crying is bad, but at work, especially if we have to go to a call, it just isn't appropriate. So, if someone ask me what is wrong, I tell them I lost one of my kitties and they understand and let it alone.

I usually go to a corner and sign on to pet support boards. I didn't even realize this one had a 24/7 chat..., perhaps someone will be on one night because they can't sleep. But, the fact is, these message boards are nice because you guys reply so quickly. I hope when I finally get back on my feet again I will hang out here and be a support system to the new hurting people...

I have lost pretty much all interest in everything, eating, fantasy baseball, fantasy football..., even the lottery. I even told God that if he would give me a choice between the lottery (I always ask if He would let me win so I could get off of these horrible work hours) and having Little Bit back, I would take Little Bit, even if He sat down at my kitchen table with the highest lottery win in the world.

Another thing that is eating at me. I have been praying to God (I am a Christian - a pathetic, unfaithful one, but one, nevertheless) to help me change my life. Working these hours have caused me to turn into a different creature because my nights off..., I have no one up (except Little Bit), so I would walk around the house, and outside, and then spend hours playing a computer game - which I care nothing about now), and then I' drink several beers and then eat some fattening foods, fall asleep, wake up and walk around alone again (and again, except for Little Bit). So I prayed, cried out to God to help me change. And every time I prayed I would add the caveat, "But God, please, no cancer, or have anyone else get a dreaded disease or die...", and I'm not trying to be silly, I just know the old saying, "Be careful what you pray for."

Well, I swore each week I would do something different, telling God I would do it, honest, just don't bring tragedy into my life. But each week, with all the best intentions, I would do the same bad habits..., until Thursday, Sept 2, @ around 7:30p, when tragedy did indeed strike. And now, I could care less about food, beer, computer games, lottery - anything. And I fear, was my prayer answered in this way..., because in a strange way it has been answered because I so don't want any of those things and can't imagine doing the same things this upcoming weekend (my weekend, which starts Monday) because I won't have Little Bit to speak with.

I try to keep remembering the Book of Job and what he went through, knowing that God didn't punish him with his tragedy, but still..., the heart is so deceitful to me at this moment.

If I only had a rewind button... Thank you guys for answering so soon and allowing me to express my love and grief for Little Bit...

I am so sorry for your loss, Greenbeagle. I lost my dog Winston when he was hit by a car in July and I know all too well the pain you're going through. I found this board the day after he died and don't know how I'd have gotten through my grief without the incredible support of the people here.

We're all united by a shared love of animals and the shared pain of the loss of an animal. Here you're never going to hear "it was only a cat" or have anyone EVER pass judgment on you for your feelings. We're a family here; a family bonded by the love of our furry companions and the grief of their passing.

Welcome to the family... our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hi, Greenbeagle. first let me say that God did NOT take Little Bit from you to punish you or "make" you change your way of living. What happened with Little Bit is now and always will be a very tragic accident - - of which neither you nor Little Bit - - nor the driver of the car - - had any control over. What happened with Little Bit unfortunately is a consequence of moving machines. In earlier years it was horse driven carriages and wagons. In today's world it is automobiles. So please do NOT even believe that God would be cruel to either you or Little Bit.

It is true that in each experience we encounter we have choices - - which is what the Book of Job is about, among other things. Right now, Greenbeagle, you are very vulnerable both emotionally and spiritually, which makes our minds and hearts and spirits easy prey for guilt and the many ignorant expressions from people who are totally clueless about the bond that God designed to co-exist between all of His creation and humanity. Loss of any kind, but particularly the physical loss of a loved one - - whatever the life form - - does surface a spiritual consciousness which then raises questions about "why did this happen", "why is God punishing me", etc. It also brings home to us our individual physical mortality, and makes us more conscious of what is more important in our lives.

I know that your profession is a very grueling one with working different shifts constantly having to adjust your "body clock" to the demands of the job. I have an e-mail friend who works the graveyard shift at a hospital switchboard and she has many health challenges from this job. Our physical bodies were not designed for 24 / 7 activity. There is a reason why our bodies are created for a day of rest, and why clinical studies show that working night shifts makes our physical bodies more prone to illness and the effects of sleep deprivation.

It is obvious that you feel a need to make some changes in your life's routines. Right now, however, your disinterest in your daily routines is a symptom of your deep grief. It is normal and eventually in time it will pass. When we are in deep grief it is never wise to initiate "major" changes because we simply are not able to clearly "reason through" all the pros and cons and potential consequences of these decisions. Give yourself some time to work through this deep grief before you start any "major" changes. Whatever healthy changes you want to make will become clearer in time and your mind will be able to better process how you can successfully make these changes.

Please let me assure you that what you are feeling is NORMAL. You have experienced a tragic event in your life, and there is no shame in what you are feeling in your heart and soul. Speaking strictly for myself, I know I cannot claim perfection on any level of my life. I am at an age now where looking back there are things I wish with all my heart I could have done differently, and things that I wonder why they turned out so wrong, and things that I wish I could have lived without ever experiencing. There are experiences I have had that still elude "acceptable answers" to me, and experiences that will haunt my heart and soul until I take my last breath.

One of the things that tragedy brings home to us is just how little control we have in what happens, and in what DOESN'T happen. And here we are full circle - - back to choices - - as to how we will TRY to live our lives from that point forward. We can only make decisions at any given time based on the information we have at that moment in time. "Wisdom" can only come from experiencing and learning from the consequences of those decisions - - whatever the consequences may be - - and it is always "hindsight" that provides the insight as to how things could have been better.

Greenbeagle, I hope in some way I have been able to provide you some comfort and insight about this grief journey and the many different emotions that accompany it. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and heart with us. Please know we are always here for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Greenbeagle, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I'm so sorry for your loss of Little Bit. Like everyone else has posted, though tragic...it was out of your control. Guilt is one of the most horrible, horrible emotions that goes with this -journey of grief-. Everyone here knows what you're going through.....we will help you...just keep posting as much as you want...yes, it does help....and you're also helping others..when they read you're story, they can relate. I read you're reply to my thread...thank you. It does "help" to know that people out there are feeling the same way, the world can get pretty lonely when you're going through something as heartbreaking as losing a soul pet. I live alone....when I lost my cat 4 yrs ago...Daisy helped me through it....she was my rock, now I need her more than ever and it hurts that she's not here. One morning (at 3:00) I stood outside of my balcony looking up at the stars sobbing...I told God...I know I've been a stubborn-hard-headed ol' woman all my life, but losing Daisy was the first thing that I have come across in my life that I cannot handle on my own..and I need you're help. Remember GreenBeagle...He already knows what going to happen in our lives....He knew after the loss of our precious furbabies...we would go to Him. We did exactly what we were supposed to do, and He already knew that. Just ask for His help...God will heal the brokenhearted.

I know it's hard right now, and how it feels like someone keeps hitting that replay button over and over for you. When I'm around people I have to keep reminding myself to: smile...and nod your head once in a while when they're talking, pretend like you're paying attention. I feel like I'm in a daze everyday, walking around like a zombie. Every time when I come home...when I put my hand on that door knob...I get that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach...I tell myself - when you open the door....she's not going to be there to greet you...ever again - and it hurts, every darn day....it hurts. It hurts because we love them so much. Not like the love for a human....deeper than that. We never had to keep our guard up with them...only they knew the "true us". And they loved us no matter what.

It's so frustrating when your head and your heart are not on the same page....it does feel like your going crazy. You know how in some movies they say: He/She died of a broken heart. Well now...I believe that can actually happen to someone. One day I will be able to write my story of how Daisy came into my life...but its still too hard for me now. Like alot of people here....they dont post sometimes..because its too hard. I would just sign on to read. So those who are strong enough to post are helping the ones who cannot.

I'm so sorry that this has happen to you...but I'm glad that you are here. I will be praying for you....praying for peace.

Annette

Hi, Greenbeagle, I just read Clay's thread (Winston) and saw your post about adopting a Lab - - Murphy or Jake. I agree 100 percent with Clay. Adopton is a very personal decision. If and when you decide to embrace another companion into your heart and home will NEVER dishonor the life and bond you continue to share with Little Bit. And yes, I mean "continue to share" for he is forever with you in your heart and your memories. NOTHING can ever change that. His sweet Living Spirit is with you now, and wants you to be happy.

I am so glad to see you finding some comfort and happiness in your grief, Greenbeagle. It is written that helping others also helps ourselves - - in reaching out to others in need we find a peace and fulfillment in ourselves. Murphy, Jake, or whomever you share your heart and home with will be very blessed to have you as their earthly guardian.

Greenbeagle, again, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dearest greenbeagle,

I have only just now read through your first three postings, and will confess that I've not yet read any of the responses. But, I will do that. It's just that you need help quick, fast and in a hurry. So, I'll begin now then come back and talk to you more if needed after having read what everyone else has said in their reply posts to you.

Firstly, please allow me to express my deepest condolences on your loss of Little Bit. He sounds like one of the most incredible fur kids I've ever read about. So dear, sweet, and giving of himself to you with such great love. He chose you. The fact that he was hit by a car while running to greet you and that you saw it as it happened is especially tragic. I am so very sorry this happened to you both.

The same thing happened to me with a neighborhood kitty many years ago and I, like you, still keep playing that movie over and over again in my mind. It wasn't my kitty, but I'd always feed him outside on my front door step. He was white and I never named him. Fact is that he didn't die quickly and I'm not about to go into detail of my "movie" unless you really want to hear about it.

Your case is different. Little Bit became your best pal even though you have/had your indoor kitties. Your grief, loneliness and guilt is devastating. Your entire world is shattered! If only we could turn back the hands of time and God would grant us what children refer to as a "do over." Oh, how we wish, pray and beg for that opportunity, that gift, that very strong desire. It doesn't happen. Again, we play that movie over and over and over again in our minds. The next thing I'm going to say is very important. greenbeagle, it is exactly the same to us as it actually happening in real time over and over and over. It is a nightmare from which we cannot awake.

It's a whole lot like Post Traumatic Syndrome ans Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You know about that as a police officer. You can Google yourself if you desire, but here's a brief explanation by The Mayo Clinic:
"Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror.

Many people who are involved in traumatic events have a brief period of difficulty adjusting and coping. But with time and healthy coping methods, such traumatic reactions usually get better. In some cases, though, the symptoms can get worse or last for months or even years. Sometimes they may completely disrupt your life. In these cases, you may have post-traumatic stress disorder.

Getting treatment as soon as possible after post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms develop may prevent PTSD from becoming a long-term condition."

Here's the link to the Website. Please click here.

Here's another Website. Please click here.

The above one is even better with far more information and help to offer you. And make no mistake about it. What you experienced is indeed a catastrophe. To you it may very well have been the same as witnessing a relative or dear friend being run over by a car while running to happily greet you. There's no difference. Not to us.

One last excellent Website is Gateway to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Information. Please click here. Even those who do not have PTSD and have been through what you have would greatly benefit from having these resources for help in trying to cope. And ...

How well I understand and empathize with you due to why I am here which is my loss of Alex in October of 2007. There were so many signs, red flags and sirens screaming to me that it was going to happen. So very obvious to anyone else. I had hours, perhaps a day or more to prevent what happened. Like you, I live alone with my cat Styx (named after the band and not the evil river), my dog Buddy who I rescued from gross neglect and abuse about ten years ago, and a little Green Cheek Conure parrot that I rescued in September of 2009 which apparently escaped from I do not know who. Will chat more about that later. And you think you talk too much? No, dear one. The more you share, the more you spill your guts talking about what happened, how you're feeling, your situation and so on, the better it is for you and everyone who is reading so we know your own individual needs and can support you. Offering the best information and advice as possible which pertains to you. Just to you.

So, write a novel here. Share here and everywhere you can with like minded people who care, who understand, who have either been where you are or who are experiencing some similar loss at this very moment. greenbeagle, only by sharing and caring can we help each other into the Light and find that Healing Path. Not to be redundant, but do talk as much and as often as you're able and feel the need and desire.

Next, I'm going to touch on a few things you've shared and respond to each statement you've made. Please, bear with me because this is going to be very long ...

Your precious Angel Fur Kid Little Bit was hit by a car in front of your eyes while running to greet you. Your grief, loneliness and feelings of guilt are so overwhelming that you may even wish to die. You've prayed to God for a change because your pain at what happened is far too difficult to bear. Not cancer nor a long, lingering type of death. Not cancer or death to anyone else, of course. A quick stroke or something similar would be so very welcomed to someone like myself. But! Only to myself. Like you said, "Be careful what you pray for." Oh so true.

greenbeagle, I do the same thing. Still, I do the same thing. It will be three years this October and still, I wish for the same as yourself. Please know you're not alone. Many of us wish for these types of changes in our lives in order to escape our pain, grief, loneliness and utter devastation. Fact. Please know that you and your Angel Fur Kid Little Bit are in my thoughts and prayers and I'm not just saying that. Ask anyone here who knows me. I'll be lighting candles for you and your beloved Angel Little bit. You can do the same. Here's the direct link for you to a post in the Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles area here at Lightning Strike so you wont have to hunt it down. Please click on the image below ...



I know you can't hear my voice. It's difficult and most times impossible to read the tone of someone's voice when they're speaking to you online. Please know that my voice is soft, kind and concerned when I tell you, "Please, don't do anything stupid. Your other Fur kids need you. What would happen to them without you? I see your terrible anguish. It's all over your face and in your body. I can hear you weep. Still, please don't do anything stupid. I know you won't. It's just that I feel much better telling you. God bless you!" Okay, I pray you didn't take that any other way than I intended. Yes, you're a police officer and see a lot of ... Oh My Gosh! I don't even want to think about that. Ya gotta have a strong stomach and a lot of courage to see and do what your job requires. However, this is a horse of a different color. That's a huge understatement. Yes, the situation you find yourself in now? One such as yourself may rather be in a fight for your life with a hardened murderer while trying to make an arrest ... That or worse ... Anything other than what you're experiencing now ...

Perhaps I'm wrong and attributing my own feelings to you. Yes, that's exactly how I feel. "Dearest God, put me in the line of fire. Take me to the most dangerous war zone or most feared part of any jungle. You name the place, God. Take me there. Just please either give me back my most cherished best friend fur kid or at least help me to cope with this grief, pain and devastation that I'm going through. God, it was my fault. God? Was it really my fault? Please, give me a sign. Please, let my Little Bit fur kid give me a sign that it wasn't my fault or at least that I'm forgiven. Please, dear God. I'm begging you. Amen." And ...

This is one of the stages of grieving the loss of a loved one. It's called bargaining. The stages of grief don't happen in any particular order and can jump from one to three to five then repeat. As a police officer, I feel certain you're trained in knowing about that.

Again, I may very well be wrong and attributing my own behavior to you regarding your behavior and thoughts. It's so true what you said about what God allowed to happen to Job. Whenever things couldn't get any worse? Well, they sure as heck did get worse. Job held on. He did not lose faith in God. Can I do the same as Job? greenbeagle, I hope and pray with all my being that I can and will persevere and get through this. Everyone here has been wonderful! You will find all members and staff here at LS to be the most caring, loving, concerned, helpful and dearest people. Why? Because they know. They truly know. You are in the right place.

Next, I hope you don't mind me touching on something else you've shared. You said: "September is a horrible month for me as well because I lost my two sisters, and my mother in September. It struck me that Little Bit got killed in September, as well. Somehow ironic, incredibly more painful now. I always tell people, if I live through September, I have at least another year to lice." greenbeagle, when deaths such as your fur kid Little Bit happen in the same month as the death of other loved ones, it brings back painful memories. Even if not in the same month. These horrible losses can and do bring back very painful memories and we relive them. When I lost Alex, it was in October and my Mother died on November 13, 1960. Everything came flooding back to me so I wrote more poems, short stories and so on. I made it out to be fictitious and gave the child a different name. It was me. Those who read my horror stories enjoyed them. They don't know. I won't tell them either.

Still, this is something else you can do. No, it won't help you to cope. However, it helps you to work through getting to the bottom of what's going on in your mind, soul and very being. Writing stories or even the facts about those other horrible losses then reading them to yourself and/or getting feed back from others helps you to make the connection. This will get you one step closer to that Healing Path. Does the following strike a chord ...

For example, if your dog died peacefully at the age of 16--a ripe old age for most dogs--the shock and grief you feel may be less than if it died of an unexpected illness at age 2. If your cat is hit by a car or your dog chokes on a bone, however, you will probably feel more guilt than you would if either pet had died of old age. You may feel the absence of a beloved companion more keenly and painfully if it was your only pet than if you shared your love with several animals. You may mourn the death of a particular pet more strongly than you mourned pets in the past, due to some special qualities of that pet or of that particular relationship.

The length of time grief lasts also varies from person to person, and may be affected by the level of attachment one feels to an individual pet. "My personal experience was an intense grieving process that left me emotionally devastated for several weeks," wrote Roanne H. of New Jersey. "I am still surprised by the ongoing feelings of love for the departed pet that I am experiencing. The length of time it takes to begin accepting the loss of your pet will vary."

Perhaps the most vital step in coping with the emotions you will feel upon the loss of your pet is acknowledging them. "Let yourself feel--write down your feelings, cry, be angry, call someone. Know that it is all right to be so upset over losing your pet and that it takes time to heal," wrote Susan K. of New York. To deny and/or repress that sense of loss would be to devalue the love and affection that the pet brought into your life," said Pat H. of Pennsylvania.

Does this strike a chord ...

For pet lovers, the death of a cherished companion can be as painful as the death of a relative or friend. In fact, the death of a pet can affect some of us even more than the death of a relative or friend. All of us have distinctive and unique relationships with every pet that becomes part of our lives. The loss of one might impact us more than the loss of another, but they each shape us in their own way. Grieving for your pet is the same as mourning the death of a human being. The difference lies only in the value that is placed on your pet, or pets overall, by your family and by society in general.

Our pets come to symbolize many things. They can represent a child, perhaps a child that was lost, or one yet to be conceived, or the innocent child in us all. They may reflect the ideal mate or parent, ever faithful, patient, and welcoming, loving us unconditionally. Our pets become our playmates and siblings. They reflect our inner selves, and become the embodiment of many of the qualities, good and bad, that we recognize or lack in ourselves. Every member of your family will have a distinctive relationship with the same pet, and you might even relate to the same pet in a different way through the day. Because your pet means different things to other people in your family or circle of friends, they may not share the same depth of emotion that you do when you grieve for your pet's loss.

Please click on the photo to lead you to another thread in the Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles here at LS. "Your Fur Child Loss Devastation - You Are Not Going Insane - Emotions and Behavior Caused By Pet Loss." Please click on the image ...



Now, I've written a novel and still have so much more to share with you. Please know that you and your Angel Fur Kid Little Bit are in my thoughts and prayers as I wing many loving Angels to soothe and gently guide you through what has to be one of the most gawd awful times in your life. May God hold you close in His Loving Arms and Bless You Most Abundantly.

I wish you Peace.

Many Comforting Hugs to You and Butterfly Kisses to your Angel Fur Kid Little Bit.



Always, Dottie xoxoxox

Dear Greenbeagle

I totally agree with all that Clay and Moonbeam have said. You will see from my threads that I rescued Pixie and I do believe that we saved each other. I had spent 6 months in deep depression since losing Noushka, and I decided to look at Samoyeds on the net. Well there she was, all ragged and ungroomed and so desperately needing a home, and one look at her and I knew we were meant for each other. Pixie is only part Samoyed, maybe crossed with Malamute, or even possibly Akita. She has Noushka's biscuit ears and I just got such a strong feeling that heavenly Fur Angel intervention had directed us to each other.....She was around 1-2, vet put her around 18 months when we brought her home. That was six months ago. I know my fur Angels would have wanted me to have another fur child in my life, and it was definitely the right thing for me to do. I feel that it is in honour of our love for our fur Angels that we go on to adopt or rescue another. No way does it ever detract from the love we will always have for them. They are forever such a big part of us.
I looked at the videos of Murphy and Jake, and they are both so adorable. Their eyes say it all, don't they. The only problem that I can see if you do decide to rescue one is .... which one. I think the deciding factor will be which one gets on better with your dear Kitty's. They are both so gorgeous. The videos were of two different aspects, the one playing in the water and the other a more sedate indoor scene. I think that Murphy maybe looks 'calmer' because he is in a calmer situation. Labs love the water and to play in it, so probably Murphy would also behave in the same way in those conditions. Maybe your Kitty's will have the final say, and also your heart will probably direct you too, along with your darling Little Bit, who will be there guiding you.
Please keep us posted, no matter what you decide. I can tell you that deciding to rescue Pixie, I did go through a roller coaster of emotions, there were doubts and tears at times..... but I'm so glad that we did and we saved a precious life along the way.
Thinking of you.
Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx
Oh I just read the wonderful reply from dear Dottie, our replies must have been posted more or less together. Angelcareone (Dottie) is such a wonderful help to all on this forum, as are many others. Please everyone go back and read Dotties reply, just one before this one. She says some wonderful things and has some very good links. x

I wish I never had a cause to be on this forum, but since I do, I can only thank God that He allowed me to find it.

Dottie...,

Your post is absolutely incredible, at the precise time I needed it.... Thank you so very much. I did click on the picture. I plan to send you an email (I hope that is okay) and will re-read that post - all of them actually in the wee small hours of the morning.


Jan...,

Thank you for taking the time to look at those goofballs and their videos. I keep vacillating about it, not wanting this to be a knee jerk reaction. I know it will be a lot of work, at first, and I don't have any idea how the indoor kitties would react. Hobbes has a very, "This is my place" attitude - won't even allow Chowder to roam around in the living room or kitchen area. Not that Chowder needs to, she has everything, and more, in the back area of the house. I built them an outdoor play area, accessing it through a cat door in my wall, so she and Maggie go out there and hang out, night and day. They are save from predators and their selves, but get to enjoy bushes, grass, lizards, frogs, and snakes (just harmless ones). And sometimes they decide to share them with me - inside. One day I came home from the grocery store and Hobbes was crouched in front of a curled up snake, happy as a lark and beaming with pride. The snake was very much alive (most of the captured critters always are, lizards darting from one foxhole cover to the next, frogs plastering themselves against the living room wall waiting for rescue), so I retrieved a box and saved him from getting stared to death by Hobbes. (Not sure why I just went on about all that..?)

I'm not even sure I can handle a new, young dog in the house. I am physically able (so far, thank God) even though I am getting up there in age (60), so I don't know. I guess that's why I bonded with Little Bit..., he acted like a dog, but the cat part of him took care of his own self outside when I wasn't at home.

I don't know... I have a house with a nice backyard (it butts up against a pond so I would have to make sure if the lab could swim out there (I understand some are afraid of water) I would have to put up a fence. Then the question of me living alone and working 10 hour shifts come into play. I wouldn't allow him access to the backyard when I wasn't home (at least not initially) because I also feed raccoons and opossums, so I wonder if he could "hold it" for 10 hours. I don't want to make an animal suffer. But then again, I don't know..., if I did do this, he may be perfectly find having access to the backyard, or at least the side yard, but again, I worry about the other animals.

I am rambling again, but you guys gave me permission... Sometimes talking about rescuing, helping another precious animal, soothes the pain, or maybe it just diverts my attention from it, I don't know.

This morning when the cremation place called to get payment for Little Bit's cremation the lady (was seemingly very kind) asked if I also wanted a paw impression of Little Bit. She said it would be an extra $25.00, so the total would be $195.00. Now, don't get me wrong..., I was prepared to pay ANY price when I was rushing Little Bit to the hospital, so the money is no issue at all, but through tears I told her to let me think about it. Even though I was bawling, inside I was a tad angry, as well. Angry because "they" are making extra money from my tragedy. I understand they are simply in business, I don't begrudge them for that..., but for some reason I got angry inside about that. I didn't lash out or anything, it just hit me the wrong way, and the money doesn't bother me..., I would give ALL of my savings and as many paychecks of mine it would take if I could have Little Bit back here romping around in the neighborhood and lying all around my house. I don't know why I got angry about that... But, the fact is, I'll probably be getting the paw impression. I have until tomorrow. I don't don't want anymore regrets.

I am still so not into anything... I checked my Fantasy Baseball lineup and I had starting pitchers that were sitting on the bench. If you play Fantasy sports you would understand how "bad" that is for your team, but I don't really care. I haven't checked my Fantasy Football email for trade proposals, etc..., and I wouldn't even think about firing up my World of Warcraft game..., I just don't care. I hope those interests will eventually return, not so much for doing them, but maybe, just maybe, that will mean there is a light at the end of this long, arduous grief tunnel.

I turn the TV on now when I wake up, hoping for SOMETHING to interfere with my thoughts - just for a few moments, at least. But..., it means absolutely nothing to me.

Yesterday(?), or the night before (can't remember), I realized I hadn't eaten for 2 days. In 2 days I drank 2 cans of Slim fast. And I'm fine, I have stored up reserves. But anyway, I thought I'd do a drive-thru at McDonalds and get a fish sandwich (I don't eat any other meat..., can't stand what the animals go through to get to my plate - I hope I don't offend anyone by saying that, but it is more important to me now).... and as I drove up, I actually felt guilty about eating, as if I devalued Little Bit's death.

Good grief you guys, when does this stuff start to subside. I guess, in a way, it has - somewhat, because I am saying more than "I don't know what to do...., I don't know what to do," in between uncontrollable sobs.

Gosh, you guys have NO IDEA what you have done for me on this forum. Actually, you probably do since you all were brought here for the same reason I was brought here.

It is raining outside and when I woke up my first thought was, "I've got to make sure Little Bit is okay..." I have forced myself to quit looking out onto the back patio when I wake up - looking for Little Bit sprawled over everything, and looking on the window sill where he slept every afternoon. A minute ago I walked past my spare bedroom door and would not allow myself to walk back and look at the tree where I last saw him joyfully stretching - probably just chased a squirrel up into the tree. (He never, ever caught one). I don't think I am trying to suppress anything, I just don't want to reinforce habits that have now become painful.

Thanks or listening...again.

Hello Dearest greenbeagle,

Of course you're most welcome to email me any time. My email addy is in my profile, but I'll put it here just in case you've not yet figured out how to navigate since you've only just begun here at LS. It is as follows: MaidenNTheShaden@aol.com ...

This next part is very important. When you do send me an email, please be certain to put something in the subject area so I'll know it is you because I always delete even without opening any email when I do not recognize the email address due to those who intentionally or accidentally send infections just as worms, viruses and other "fiendish thingies" as I refer to them. Please type something like "greeneagle from Lightning Strike," or "About Little Bit from LS," or even "Little Bit Kitty." That way I'll know it's you and won't accidentally delete your email as spam or ... You get the idea.

By the way, I rarely sleep and am still on my PC up to 3 AM and even through to 6 AM EST at times. So, will be checking my email for your letter as I call them. Please know that anything you tell me in confidence will never be repeated. Even though retired, I still will not repeat anything told to me in confidence. Never have and never will. There are two exceptions though which I'll share with you and tell you why. But, not here. I'm certain you'd agree with me that those two exceptions need to be broken to get those people help.

If I don't get back to you immediately, it's because this ancient contraption computer from the Cretaceous period is still giving me fits and keeps booting me off line. No worries though. Since I'm aware of that and do type slowly, I save all I've typed every couple minutes so I'm able to retrieve it and continue where I left off.

I'm taking it slowly with you, Dear One. Little Bit was also the name of my very best friend and coworker's kitty of many years. What a wonderful kitty and I loved Laura so much. What a great team we made iworking in the doctor's offices. Her kitty named Little Bit reminds me a lot of yours. There's no sad story to share about her kitty named Little Bit, so don't fret. greenbeagle, I do have one question: Do you happen to have any photos of your Angel Fur Kid Little Bit? Just asking.

Will talk more in email and, if you wish, we can set up times to meet here in LS Live chat room, or if you have AOL, we can talk in Instant Messages. Again, I do type slowly. In addition, I don't see too well. So, I appreciate your patience, greenbeagle. God Bless You! I'm going to enable you so see Alex at the bottom of this post attired in his best James Bond 007 Secret Agent tuxedo. Remember: "Shaken, not stirred." Ain't he dapper?

More Later, Dear One.

Many Comforting Hugs and I Wish You Peace.



Always, Dottie xoxoxox

Dearest greenbeagle, I just read the above and completely understand. Please know that these people are offering you the paw impression because many people want that to accompany the urn. I recalled a man who posted some time ago so went in search of his thread here. It was his first dog. He and his wife both witnessed their beloved dog Deuce being run over by a car.

I did what I could back then, but have since learned a lot more about creating images. Anyway, Dobermandad and his wife did wish the paw impression along with the urn for Deuce's ashes. Lots of photos on each page and you'll see the very simple paw impression of Deuce on page two. Then go to page three and see how I enhanced the Urn and added golden hieroglyphics Egyptian type borders because Deuce looks so much like Anubis. On page three, you'll see my enhancement of Deuces simple paw impression, too.

Here is the direct link to his initial post and thread.

New Here And About To Lose Our First Dog

Having worked in Animal Rescue and Rehabilitation for around thirty years as well as volunteering time at a Vet Clinic, I get to hear what goes on when you're not around. The techs and Vets discussing your case and what all they can offer you. Not to defend them, but I've seen many tears from Vet techs and a few from the Vets. My own tears, too. Just not in front of those grieving so terribly. They, at least the ones with whom I've associated, are trying their best to offer you all they can to memorialize your cherished Angel Fur Child. I could swear that my own personal Vet Dr. Gabor is St. Francis of Assisi reincarnated.

It's all still so fresh in your soul. It only just happened Thurdsay and your feelings of anger are perfectly normal, Allow yourself you feel. To be angry. I only wanted to let you know all the Vets and tech I've worked with try their best to be as sensitive as possible when telling you all they have to offer in comfort to you. It's just that there is no comfort for you right now. It's all so fresh and raw.

There are many other Websites I have in save: Urns with paw impressions. Very beautiful with some under $30 and some well over $250. Also available are very beautiful lockets with chains to wear as necklaces or on bracelets. The ashes go inside the lockets. They are very reasonably priced. Would you like to see some of what I've mentioned? Just let me know.



I wish you Peace.

Many Comforting Hugs to you and Butterfly Kisses to your Angel Fur Kid Little Bit.

Always, Dottie xoxoxox

Hi Dottie....

I spoke with the lady from the cremation place after I woke up and ordered the paw print. I want every precious thing I can have from Little Bit. When I told one of my friends that I wanted a private cremation so I would only have Little Bit, one of my well-intentioned friends said, "I wonder if they just tell you that." She apologized when she realized what she had said. But, when I spoke with the lady, I specifically asked her about that, and first off she told me she had her own pets and assured me that a private cremation was exactly that. She said it in a longer version and a more compassionate version, but I beliee her 100000%.

I was just speaking with Janika on the chat area. That was soooooooooooo cool. She sure speaks highly of you, by the way.

Anyway, I will probably get Little Bit later this week and bring him home where he belongs. I'll bring him into the den for a while where I sit all of the time, and he can always be with me now. I will be so sad when I get his little box of ashes, but thankfully, if he had to actually die, at least I was able to have his little body.

Since I left to chat online I sort of lost my train of thought here, which is so easy to do right now. I sent you an email and a message and just found out from Janika that a bunch of you guys are on Facebook, which I am as well, so I will be jumping on there today and signing on.

Thanks for being here.... I can't imagine where I would be if you guys weren't here.... This site is straight from God....

Dearest Greenbeagle,

Gotta type fast. Being booted off a lot. Oy.

Please check your PM here at LS and your email address you sent to me. I've responded three times so far.

More to come. Many Comforting Hugs!!!

Always, Dottie xoxoxox

Hi greenbeagle,

I'm sooo sorry about the devastating loss of your precious Little Bit (what a cool name ). I'm so glad you found this forum -- it really is a life-saver. You are about to embark on a rollercoaster journey, of many mixed emotions. We will all be here for you the entire way. "Guilt" is a normal emotion of the grief journey, but I do hope in time you will manage to overcome it. If you look at the wider picture, you have nothing to feel guilty for -- you loved your Little Bit with all your heart and soul and would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. What happened was a very sad, and tragic accident. I hope you continue to visit these forums to write about your feelings, or even to write to Little Bit, it really does help. Hang in there.

Thinking of you.
Cheryl x

Hi, Greenbeagle, it will be comforting to have your Little Bit's ashes and paw print. In my adult years cremation has been the only option for me, and I am ever so grateful to have them. When my Oslo and Abbygayle joined the angels (see the separate posts on Oslo and Abbygayle's Journey if you'd like), I also got their paw prints. I didn't think of it with my Eli - - didn't know anything like that existed until it was way too late after his cremation. Having these physical treasures to hold onto does provide comfort, and I hope you will find this to be true, Greenbeagle.

I also want to thank you for adding me to your "Friends List". I am very honored to be considered your friend. I hope today is being kind to you, Greenbeagle. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Greenbeagle, me again - - I just read through your posts from yesterday after I signed off for the evening, and there is always a good rule of thumb that my mom gave to me when making decisions: When in doubt, wait. I have found that very useful many times, and I hope you will find encouragement for you with regards to adopting a new companion. Some folks find adopting immediately to be very beneficial - - both for themselves as well as for their new companion. Some folks prefer to wait a bit until the deep grief has passed. Some folks while they're still in the "limbo" phase of deciding serve as foster parents to rescues who are awaiting permanent adoption. Some folks find comfort in pet sitting for family and friends. Some folks volunteer at their local humane shelters. So, there are options while you're in the "decision making" phase, Greenbeagle. You will know when it's right for you to embrace another companion - - there will be no doubts in your heart.

It sounds like you have a very lovely home, and your kitty kids sound like they enjoy it immensely. I can so relate to what your "hunters" do - - bring you "presents" of their hunts. My Eli was the herpetologist - he, too, would bring in live Black Snakes and set them loose in the house. He was responsible for helping me to get over my deepest fear of ALL snakes. We also have Rattlers and Copperheads here in Virginia, so I'm very very very thankful it was just Black Snakes he wrangled. I started keeping an old broom by the big basement door so that once he dropped his catch I could just sweep back out into the yard and then close the door quickly so that he couldn't go back out and bring it back in - - immediately. This part he was not too happy about, but I am the "pride leader" here, and sometimes I just have to draw boundaries.

Greenbeagle, just remember - - one day at a time. You can't rush through this grief journey, unfortunately. There is no "fast forward" button to press to magically get through it. Again, I hope today is treating you kindly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks you guys for the latest posts. I struggle through the 7:30p - 8:00p time because it reminds me so much of that traumatic event. I try to "hide" in the back bedroom during this time because the pain is just so intense. I also moved away from my den because I can't hardly stand to look at the window where Little Bit use to be when he wasn't on the patio. Even doing dishes is painful because whenever I turned the water on in the kitchen, which is adjacent to his patio, he would pop up on the kitchen window and mash his little head sideways against the screen and window. Made me laugh every time he did that.

Last night I read and read and read (devotions) and thought I was "doing better", yet today my heart and stomach sinks every time I walk outside, look at the patio, his window, or the tree in my neighbors yard where he was doing his joyful little stretch before the tragedy. When I walk out the back door, I am on his patio - which is immensely empty now, and when I walk out the front door, I am on his porch, which is also immensely empty, and then there are the back and front yards, which are immensely empty. And, this is my weekend and being off from work (which use to be a joy) is now such a hollow feeling. I almost hate being home now. I was lying here a little bit ago and I thought, "This time last week, Little Bit was here."

Of course I think about this constantly and today I thought of all the series of events that happened which contributed to me losing Little Bit. It keeps running over and over in my head, that IF he had been in my backyard, where is always is, and IF I had called to him when I first went outside instead of putting his food down for another cat that walked up, and, of course, IF I hadn't called him.... it goes on and on and on and on. I wish I could turn my brain off.

Last night I had a dream, of course everything was distorted in the presentation, but there were 3 black cats on a patio (mine, but not mine) and Little Bit tried to jump up on the window sill, but couldn't because he was "wounded" from getting hit. I can't remember the rest of it, but it was all just goofy.

I am just amazed at the depth of my grief, of my missing him..., he was an OUTSIDE cat, for pete's sake, and "technically", he wasn't even mine (although he and I changed that). There are other outside cats that I feed, but they eat, and leave...., but it still amazes me how hard this is to get over, to accept.

moon_beam: Yes, I decided to wait. I think me wanting to run out and get another pet was a desperate attempt at getting rid of these horrific feelings, from guilt to intense sorrow. And right now, because I live alone, I am not sure getting a dog would be the wisest thing - I don't have much energy and to bring a dog into this house will take some energy.

I just know that when I can look at the patio, the window, the back yard, and the front yard, without feeling these painful feelings..., then I will know I am starting to heal. And when I can look at dates before Sept 2 and not think, "Little Bit was still here on then...", then I know I am starting to heal.

If I can't hit a rewind button to transport me back before that horrible date, then I wish I could just go to sleep for a few months and wake up. I know my friends are probably thinking I have gotten over this because I am not sobbing and sobbing, but it is before me constantly . They will let me talk about Little Bit, but I think they are just tolerating me.

Darn, I wish I didn't feel so crummy. Actually, I just wish Little Bit was here.

Dear Greenbeagle

Please know that I'm thinking of you. I wish I could say something that would help to ease your pain. There's nothing anyone can say that can do that, unfortunately. You will be going over that fateful evening and thinking out all the 'what if's' and 'if only's, and why oh why's... The dreams at first are strange too, aren't they. Our minds trying to sort things out , and sometimes the dreams can be very distressing. For months now I've had 'good dreams' of Noushka, this time last year it was very different. Your 'good dreams' will come, your Little Bit will let you know that he is there for you, loving you as always, and not wanting you to worry about him.
I hope that you can manage to get some rest and maybe visit with some friends during your days off. They will understand if you need to cry, or to talk about Little Bit. Maybe if they seem to be just 'tolerating' you in your grief, it's because they really don't know what to say to help you. They are probably scared that they might say the wrong thing, because they care about you.
If you don't feel like physical company, I know I didn't this time last year, maybe lose yourself in a good book. I think I must have read a whole library, but it's just a way of giving ourselves a little time out, some escapism, so that our minds can be free from the pain for a while. Easier said than done I know, as it's hard to settle to doing anything.
I'll check in on the chat room now , before bed. It's just gone midnight here in Uk.
But I'll wish you a GoodNight now in case I don't catch you there.
Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie

janika...


Thank you. I went over to chat when I read your post, but must have missed you. Guess it's late over there in England. It's way too early here. Plus, I couldn't sleep last night (I was off) even after taking sleep aids. I kept waking up with a huge hole in my stomach. So, I fell asleep this afternoon, which means I will be up all night...without Little Bit.

I might as well give up on trying to sleep through the night on my nights off because my body doesn't want to sleep because it has become acclimated to working midnights.

I will be so glad when this ache is gone.

Little Bit is home...

I have him next to me now, my hand on the container with his ashes...

It just isn't the same. And I think... "This time last week, he was walking around... If only I wouldn't have....", and it continues on and on.

I hate having him stay inside - he could only do it for so long, he didn't like being inside..., I'd like to place him outside on his lounge chair, or his window sill, but of course I'm not going to do that.

His little paw print looks so precious...

Oh, if I could only turn back time...

Greenbeagle, I read your thread the other day but couldn't think of what to say to comfort you. Your story has played through my mind over and over. I've tried to picture what you must have seen that day. I understand completely about thinking that this time last week he was here or the last time I did this he was here. Those thoughts do subside with time but they'll come back. I know it sounds silly but even the other day I put on a shirt I hadn't worn in awhile and thought, "the last time I wore this all my babies were alive." It's difficult at best to get through all the firsts.
I'm so very sorry for the horrible way your sweet Little Bit passed. I can't imagine your pain. I know what you mean about wishing you could turn off your brain for awhile. I tried to sleep it away for awile but that didn't work. I don't drink but now I understand why some people do - to just turn it off for awhile.
I understand, too, what you mean about his patio, his porch, etc. I feel the same way about our back yard, porch, patio, etc. All those things belonged to our Buck. I don't want another dog because I don't want anyone else "having" those things. I'm still having a relationship with my Buck. I think your decision to wait on getting a dog is wise. One of my bosses asked me shortly after our dog died if we'd get another. I told him not for awhile. He was shocked. Later, I realized my response should have been, "We don't have a dog void in our home, we have a Buck void." I think you probably know what I mean.
Anyway, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm glad that he is back home with you. I hope you will continue to find comfort here. My heart goes out to you.
-Donna

Hi, Greenbeagle, thank you for letting us know that you have your precious Little Bit's ashes home now. I know it isn't the same - - and life isn't the same. Your life was forever changed when Little Bit began to share your heart and home, and it is now changed because you are missing his sweet physical presence with you.

When a living being - - whatever the life form - - goes blind or deaf or loses a limb due to illness or injury - - they must develop their other senses - - or learn to how compensate for their physical loss - - so that they can continue to have a good life. This doesn't happen overnight. It actually becomes a lifetime journey of adjustment one day at a time.

So it is with us who lose the physical presence of our beloved companions. We must learn how to compensate for the physical loss - - while holding fast onto their sweet Living Spirit that is forever with us in our hearts and memories - - that is forever at the core of our very being - - that was and continues to be our life's joy. And so it is with the grief journey - - adjusting to the physical loss of our beloved companions one day at a time.

Again, Greenbeagle, thank you so much for sharing your news with us. I hope in some way what I have shared with you will be a source of comfort and encouragement to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Click to view attachment[quote name='greenbeagle' date='Sep 6 2010, 04:49 AM' post='61025']
Hi Dottie....

I spoke with the lady from the cremation place after I woke up and ordered the paw print. I want every precious thing I can have from Little Bit. When I told one of my friends that I wanted a private cremation so I would only have Little Bit, one of my well-intentioned friends said, "I wonder if they just tell you that." She apologized when she realized what she had said. But, when I spoke with the lady, I specifically asked her about that, and first off she told me she had her own pets and assured me that a private cremation was exactly that. She said it in a longer version and a more compassionate version, but I beliee her 100000%.

I was just speaking with Janika on the chat area. That was soooooooooooo cool. She sure speaks highly of you, by the way.

Anyway, I will probably get Little Bit later this week and bring him home where he belongs. I'll bring him into the den for a while where I sit all of the time, and he can always be with me now. I will be so sad when I get his little box of ashes, but thankfully, if he had to actually die, at least I was able to have his little body.

Since I left to chat online I sort of lost my train of thought here, which is so easy to do right now. I sent you an email and a message and just found out from Janika that a bunch of you guys are on Facebook, which I am as well, so I will be jumping on there today and signing on.

Thanks for being here.... I can't imagine where I would be if you guys weren't here.... This site is straight from God....
I'm also so sorry for your loss, God Bless you, Jorge

Hi, I'm so very sorry for your loss, God BlesClick to view attachments, Jorge